And it Happens... DAY 2

So finally I am able to convince Sudhir to go out with us for a morning show in the multiplex just near our college. By the way I and Anchita have to bunk college today so as to be able to hang out with Sudhir. Well it is simple as it sounds, he is in morning shift and we are in the day shift. So after college if he will have to wait for 4-5 hours, it is kind of pointless and moreover I had so many questions in my head, Anchita was going to get the answers for me today. So I feel after all it is a good enough bargain, for me at least. Oh! What should I say? I am just so very impatient today.

By the way last night I dreamt about me and Sudhir. He was coming towards me, giving his sweet smile, when suddenly someone comes in front of me and blocks my view. It was so difficult to view past the person that unwillingly I give up looking at Sudhir only to realize that Sudhir was not coming towards me but was coming towards someone else, perhaps the shadow in front of me is the only reason why he smiles so much. I know my dream was disheartening, but I have a plan. Others say if one shares there dream with others, the dream will never come true. So I simply share my stupid dream with Anchita who seems to be having stomach ache hearing my 5-minute dream. How mean of her! Yet I don’t mind it, as long as the dream doesn’t come true, my purpose is solved. Well I can be a little clever at times as well.

But it is Anchita who chides me for being so naïve. According to her I should at least be looking a little different, a little special for Sudhir. But then if you go to see it my way, how will Sudhir react if he sees that I am trying to be something I am not. And if there are any chances for this guy to like me, I would prefer if he likes me the way I am and not because of any sham or any artificial reason. Anyways this makes me wonder why Anchita has taken so many pains to look so different and refreshingly fresh today. Seems like the girl has a mission in mind and I hope that mission is to help me in everyway possible. I wish her luck and success.

So finally inside the hall, I feel like I am a step closer towards something I was so badly clinging onto. Well I did not let Sudhir pay for all the tickets. It is unfair if you ask me. The guy himself is studying, and not even working, nor is he a very good friend of ours (as of yet) that we should ask him to pay on our behalf. So it is better to share and pay for our own shares. So initially I decided I should be the one sitting between both of my friends, but Anchita suggested we should let Sudhir sit in the middle, this will help us gaze into his intentions more clearly. Well I must say for a girl like Anchita who is always into books and studies, she seems to be quite smart as well.

It was in the interval when I realized some of my other friends from college have also come to watch the movie and since the hall was practically empty at this hour in the morning, all my friends insisted that I should sit with them. So I took Anchita aside and asked her if it was a good idea if I leave them alone so that they can talk amongst themselves and if she can get to know any better of him. Anchita readily agreed and that is the best part about her, she never says no to me for anything. I hug her tight and leave her to sit with Sudhir while I nervously go to sit with my friends, all the time my fingers crossed so that something positive works out. And then instead of the drama in front of my eyes, I end up with my 5-minute dream.

His smile makes me feel so shy and I just don’t know why. I so wish he could come near me so I can hug him tightly. But his friends keep him so busy and all we do is exchange glances, me blushing and he giving me his radiant smile which seems to affect me so badly that my friends wonder if I have gone mad or something. I so wish they could see and feel what I was feeling right now. Stupid girls, I pray to God they get to feel the same way I am as soon as possible. Let these hopeless nerdies fall in love too God. Oh yes, it does feel like I am in love. So very much in love.

And it Happens... DAY 1

I know it has really been a long time since I sat to write about my days in college. It is not that I don’t like writing about my day, but somehow you know, I just don’t feel like it anymore. But today I will go ahead and share an incident which should have taught me an important lesson in life, but look at the stupid me, the stubborn me, won’t ever learn from my mistakes.

Standing near the canteen, I was wondering how exactly would Sudhir look and would he like me too. Over the past few days we had been exchanging quite some messages. Initially we met on our college’s website and started talking instantly. He is a year senior to me and as you know, I have hardly noticed him in college, but seems like he has. And so we kind of exchanged numbers and became friends. Today is the first day we will be facing each other for the very first time. I am kind of excited because over the past five days I guess, I think I have started liking Sudhir. No doubts he is sweet, charming and friendly but it actually depends on a lot of things. Anyways my cell phone beeps interrupting my thoughts and he messages – “Why are you looking so lost? Did you not like what you saw? Should we not meet?”

Woo! Where did he get it from? And most importantly where was he? I did not see him and so frantically I start looking around, just to realize that he was standing in front of me, just across the corridor, confused and staring. Well I give him my very big, super big as some say, smile and it seems to warm him up. I walk towards him and the next thing you know he starts talking. Its fun to be with someone senior. You get to know so much about the place you have been. His perception about the college, the professors seems so much different from a month old student like me. Yet it is fun to spend time with him. Finally he agrees that I am not that scary as others thought me to be. Well a positive something for me to take back home and dream about. Maybe my 5-minute dream. It is fun to realize how stupidly and innocently I can start dreaming about anything and everything.

After I meet him, I tell Anchita about how lucky I felt to have finally found a good friend in the college. Anchita and I met on the very first day of our admissions and since then it seems like we are inseparable. Well to tell you the truth, we both are kind of scared of leaving each other’s company, scared of getting teased by our seniors. But I knew, knowing Sudhir would definitely give us an edge above others. Anchita so can see through me at times. Hardly known each other for a month and she already laughs at my childish smiles while I day dream to glory.

Anchita smiles with me and conspires that one day all 3 of us would go out and she would ensure that Sudhir gets to know all about my good points and that she will try and measure if the guy in question is also interested in me. Wow! Seems like a good plan to me. But the problem lies in the very fact what if Sudhir says a No. Oh! I can’t bear that thought. This stupid thought just broke my 5-minute dream with him. But I won’t lose hope this time. Life should surprise me for a change and I am so ready for it.

Jab Tak Hai Jaan....A Review!

Jab Tak Hai Jaan, marks the end of a great director Yash Chopra whose movies have been celebrated for more than three decades now. But the fact remains that JTHJ isn’t one of his greatest works. The movie borders on cliché Bollywood SRK stereotype movie, which is a big disappointment.

The so-called King Khan makes an entry in a bike and diffuses a bomb without wearing any safety gear, and in the very beginning he is claimed to be The Man Who Cannot Die. Well it is really strange to see a man who is not at all versed in English, trying his best to survive with his not at all funny English in the city of London. As always the locale continue to mesmerize and hard to miss out on. But there is an irritating SRK, who makes Katrina live life in its true spirit. Gosh, so Kal Ho Na Ho. Only this time he gets more and more irritating and pathetic. The first half, where the story of their love is being narrated, is full of songs. And SRK’s dance sees it’s worse ever. Kat manages to shake a little, but Ishq-Musk seems to be a breather for many. I have a very pertinent question. How can a person not able to speak in proper English get a work Visa and live in the city of London, return back to India, join the army and within 10 years become a Major for Indian Bomb Diffusion Squad, when it was clearly shown that he was not a degree holder or nothing. And if after coming back to India if he did manage to complete his grads, can a person in 7 years become a Major and that too for the Indian Bomb Diffusion Squad. By the way a bit of the movie is inspired by Ghajni as well, when SRK seems to forget about his present and can only remember whatever happened 10 years before. Surely one can start yawning by now.

Katrina, dear please don’t work with SRK again. You guys don’t look good onscreen. Kat manages to dance and run here and there a bit, but seems to be like her own character in the movie, Namaste London, remember Jazz?!?!?! Well hello Meera, you are so alike. SRK tries to add the desi tarka to her life, but fails miserably. In the second half she was more like the silent Jaya Bachchan of Sholay. Nothing much to say about your acting. Just never again do the mistake of working with srk.

Anushka Sharma, God bless you girl for being in the movie. You help bring the pace in the movie in most of the dull moments. Her character reminds one of Ranvir Kapoor in Saawariya. If you have seen both movies then only can you draw the conclusion. Infact Sawaariya seems to be the Anushka version of JTHJ. The cheerful and bubbly Anushka adds color, joy, rhythm and pace to a slow dragging movie. But just like Karishma Kapoor in Dil Toh Pagal Hai, she has to give up on the love of her life in the movie, whereas srk gets to go with his love.

The ending seems to be too dragging. Could have avoided a lot of unnecessary bits. Rishi and Neetu Kapoor come on the screen, but when you expect there will be something, their part is done with. A character like Anupam Kher has no work in the movie. Sagarika is seen after a long time and she does her bit well. There should have been an explosion in the end where srk and Kat could have shown to be together instead of the usual ending, reminds me of Dil Se. Songs are bearable, not a very good work done by A.R.Rahman. Vaibhavi’s dance numbers could have been peppier as she has managed to do in the past, here she hasn’t given her very best. All in all a typical Yash Chopra-srk love triangle movie. My verdict: a one time watch if you have three and a half hours to spare or else indulge in any other activity.  

That's about it...

You know what its really been a long time that I properly sat to write something down. So many things have happened, so many days gone by and here I am still the same old me. Well to tell you frankly I do love myself and wish that I don’t change at all but somehow something or the other keeps on changing in me each day.

To begin with, well I have done it, I have dared to love life again. I have dared to fall head over heels in love once again. No doubts it was a tough call for me after what had happened but you know what this relationship seems to be a lot more difficult and stranger. Not that I don’t love him or something but to love him means to accept and not to expect so very many things. I know it will take time and I will learn in due course, but somehow losing out on my patience isn’t the best option for present. But yes I am surviving, taking my chances one by one and trying to out-do myself. Whatever that is supposed to mean.

Contemplating on what has changed or not, a lot of friends have gone so far away. Not that I am not happy for them just that I miss the fun we had together. But what is the point of regretting the loss, its better to rejoice because I could a chance to live those moments with special people and I hope they remember it too.

That’s about it from my side. I had thought I would write a lot more, but just don’t feel like anymore. Maybe some other time. Till then take care and enjoy…

Kuch to abhi baaki hai...!!!!

Off lately I have been intending to write a lot of stuff but just did not had the right words and also wasn’t in the right frame of mind to write things properly. I did not want to write stuff which will mess up things for me. Already I feel like I am in the quick sand, no matter what I do I drown deep inside. But I feel even this is a phase of life which I will get over with and believe me if I can sail through these days I will be a mature person indeed. And frankly I want to be that mature person who is loved by all. Don’t know how it will be possible but I will try and try my best, for sure.

To tell you the truth I don’t want to talk about whatever happened. Bad memories are something I always want to escape from. And so I should try and talk about the positives. The one positive thing is that I am positive that everything will work out. I know Bhagwanji has His own ways of testing me and I know I will surely succeed this time. Bhagwanji, please be by my side all the time and do not leave me alone ever. You are the only one I can trust on at this dark hour.

At this point, I can only remember Barney Stinson’s dialogue from ‘How I Met Your Mother?’

            “When I feel sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead…!!!! TRUE STORY”

That is about almost I want to say at this point. I shall speak more when the right time comes. Till then all the very best to me… May Bhagwanji give me enough courage and maturity to face things in the right frame of mind.

Dumie and me?!?!?!?

There is nothing new I will be typing today. It will be the same old cribbing about life, the same old unmet expectations, and the same old me with the same old sad song of life. Well you know what let’s just laugh at me for today and also look for a sad song for myself if possible.

No matter how many times I am hurt, battered and bruised by people, I will still have the same level of expectations from each one of them. This is seriously annoying as well as dumb of me because firstly, no two people are alike, secondly, expectations are meant to be broken, and thirdly, who the hell gave me a right to expect things from others? This is the basics, and yet it seems like I need to be reminded about them time and again. Well as they say, old habits die hard. But by the end of the day I will ensure than either these habits die or else, well, someone should die no matter what.

I haven’t come up with a song as of yet… still thinking on it.

How dumb and stupid a person can be, especially a person who thinks of herself as amongst the smart ones. It’s all just a sham. Just to appear cool and funny in front of others, one has to pretend to be strong. But then it actually goes with my image, so can’t argue on that. Who cares if I gave up on some of my choices in life, who cares if I am sick and don’t feel like doing something, just because I won’t speak up and make the other person realize, it’s all useless. Show off and exaggeration should be a trait one should follow rigorously in life not just for the survival of the fittest, but also be one amongst the best-est for your boss/ friends/ love and at times family too. I can’t forget it ever how family melts towards that child of the house who seems to always be unwell. But when genuinely the other, stronger child is unwell, the house does not even realize it. I hate being the strong child of the house; it gives one the undue disadvantage of being neglected all the time. But I guess that is how life is always meant to be unfair, biased towards the fair ones, and literally the fair color people seem to get off with anything and everything. Its time I get a plastic surgery done on myself to change my color and be more acceptable amongst others.

Heart, no matter how hard it beats, should always be broken. It doesn’t matter if you feel for someone, what should matter is that you are alive because of the stupid heart which beats. I wish someone can take the life out of me and let me live in void, in the silence and the calm. I believe death would be something like it, but how should I know, I am still alive.

Somehow I am reminded of the song, “Who let the dogs out?” I will have to check for its lyrics to determine if it can be the sad song of my life. I know it by no means sounds sad, but it’s the truth, we keep on asking “Who let the dogs out?” when we ourselves have unleashed the dogs.

Many a times my heart and brain fight over petty issues. Frankly I do not know whether I am a heart person or a brain person. It seems like both the organs are working fine and are always ready to counter each other. Like two celebrities fighting over a pending decision in a reality show. Wow, image heart and brain fighting like over a piece of chicken tikka. Heart, don’t eat it, the poor chicken must have gone through a lot; Brain, Wow, it looks yummy, a little spicy, yet who cares, have it…!!! But no matter what my heart and brain are like those stupid judges who will fight about anything and everything possible on earth. And that is one of the major reasons why I end up being confused about life and things around me. Well as if I was the sanest amongst all. It’s better to be as far away from sanity as possible, it at least keeps you alive.

“Who let the dogs out?” is a good song no doubts, but it cannot be my sad song, because it is more about boning than about anything else. I will have to look for another song. I guess “Lonely is the night” will be a good selection. It is a good song indeed and goes well with me. It’s a song between my heart and brain, I with me.

That is all the fun for today. Some other day, some other time, will laugh on my stupidities one again. Till then take care and get well soon dumie, it is starting to take a toll on your health now. :)

This is all I can take...

For a change I wish life was simple. All these complications, the miscommunications, everything seems to get on my nerves. If someone is talking loudly beside me it feels like someone’s stabbing me with a sharp knife slowly, very very slowly. I don’t know why but it seems like I am running out of escapes these days. No matter how much I try and keep myself calm, things somehow are just not working right.

I am losing my mind literally. I don’t know who I can talk to and discuss because no matter what people will think I have gone crazy. And right now I am feeling nothing less than super crazy. I just cannot keep my mind occupied with anything. I am losing interest on just about everything. I guess I have been successful in confusing Bhagwanji Himself that even now He has no solution left for me and so I am left on my own to perish on my own. This was going to happen someday or the other and I guess the time has come finally.

I know whatever I right now will make no sense. But frankly that is how I am feeling right now, senseless…

See you all later then, when I am successful in gaining my senses back. Till then live and perish in craziness.

I have this Life...

A happy thought, a cheerful smile

The longest roads, we walk for a while

The morning sky and bright sunshine

And then I know I have this life.

The saddest thoughts with tears in eyes

My favorite book, blank inside

My favorite song, I hear no cry

And then I know I have this life.

The strangers I meet everyday besides

The conversations, all so very high

The smiles I fake and all those lies

And then I know I have this life.

A new friendship to accept with a smile

To get used to a face just in time

The next thing I need is You

And then I know I have this life.

The chubby cheeks and a smile so wide

The looks I get with those naughty eyes

A smell so sweet, makes me wonder inside

What would I do, without you in my life?!?!?!

What should I do?!?!?!

A lot has happened over the past few days. Well definitely it was just a few days of my life which passed by me but frankly it seems like I have aged over these few days and grown older and somehow more pathetic. A lot has happened over these past few days, somethings good, somethings bad, somethings worth remembering, somethings only hurting, nonetheless each something has left behind a memory, perhaps a smile or a tear to cheer back at. But now as I look back to these past few days I wonder how did I even manage to face such days all alone. It is not that I was abandoned by my friends and family, but it was the phase of the life when I prefer to stay inside my cocoon and somehow I survived, and ironically I am still the caterpillar and not the butterfly.

Nonetheless today is his birthday and frankly I should only be concentrating about the good things today. Strangely enough when I sat to write him a poem, I just could not come up with words. It is like I have a block in my head and somehow I am short of the appropriate words to frame into proper sentences which would make even the most commonest of senses. Here I go blabbering again.

Well all I want is for him to be happy and to get the best of what he truly deserves, all the good things, mind it. Right now I am not the best of my moods or I am sure I would have come up with some really nice words to match my feeling. So here I end my short evaluation about what I should be doing. Yet more is to come and more is to be decided about what I need to be doing. As of now I need to rest my head and go off to sleep. So good night to me and good luck to everyone.


P.S. I miss being myself...!!! Wish you and I could share some more memories together. :)

Bits and pieces...

Lost in the wilderness so bright

Laughing at things, am I alright?

Thinking about things which do not exist

Learning to fight it out with a fist

How should I be myself when

Others don’t seem to care?

How should I be myself when

What others do is take me away?

Lost in the wilderness so thick

Walking alone, even without a stick.

Contemplating about things, still unsure

Laughing at the hopeless prospects of my future.

How should I be able to laugh when

Everyone wants to see me cry?

How should I be able to look happy

When sadness is all by my side?

Lost in the wilderness so green

Laughing at being myself unseen

I know not how to get this right

I know not how well can I fight.

All I do is laugh at myself

Crib and cry, all within myself

Losing my mind seems like a fair deal

Losing myself is as easy as it seems.

And yet this wilderness hears me cry

Tears and stupid thoughts, all mixed inside.

Lost in the chains of my own mind.

Lost in the crowd, I know not why?

I wish to get some sound sleep

A sweet place, perhaps some place to hide

A little pain and a lot of relief

That is all I wish to strive…

Never be away...

A little pinch of salt
Lots of love from all
Certain wounds which hurt
Some wounds healed above.

Those scripts I use each day
The smiles which I am so used to fake
Those little nods here and there,
Are they enough? Are they fair?

A small touch has lots to say
A sweet hug to keep me awake
That one special smile to say
That you will never be away...

<3

Here is my friend--> ShaRon...

And here I was
Looking at those big eyes
Who would have known
She is a devil in disguise...

She has a long pony tail
Dare you compare it with a broom
I tried to hide and run away
But somehow she reached too soon...

And now we are friends
Human flaw with devilish smile
A sweet little friendship
Full of truth and a bit of lies...

That sweet chirpy voice
The silky hair falling over the eyes
How could I call her a devil
When she is a true person inside?!!?

Rowdy ME...!!!

It has indeed been a long time since I have written down anything. Frankly I do have so much to share yet somehow was restraining myself from speaking my mind. That is just so typical of me. Anyways now it is time to reveal details of stuff I haven’t even discussed with so many people. I have fallen in love, taken a chance once again and failing in it badly too.

It has not even been a month and already he is having second thoughts about me. That is just so typical of my life. All the time the guy keeps on saying that it will be me who will break up but in reality the guy breaks my heart ruthlessly and leaves. Nonetheless somehow I am trying to find peace with my destiny. There are so many couples who have so many more problems and yet they have the strength to endure the tough times together. But I guess that strength in me is going away. I am losing myself in order to be with someone. All my life I have done this and all my life, I have lost myself little by little. I have been broken everyday and yet all I am supposed to do is smile.

When I try to voice my opinion it is always my ego which speaks because somehow I lack a heart. I am not a human being anymore. I seriously don’t know what to do with myself. All I wish to do is run away and hide from everyone. Be on my own for a while. It feels strange indeed. Seriously do I deserve all this? All I ever want my life is to be loved and I guess everyone has a right to be loved. But somehow I am not. All I am meant to do is compromise, adjust and smile. I am the mannequin with no desires, no emotions, a plastic smile is all I am supposed to wear. And fine, let me go ahead and do that as well. Let me for a change listen to what others have to say. Stay quiet, don’t voice opinions, smile all the time and never ever complain, because I get all the basic necessities of life and that is enough for my survival. I never thought I would surrender but I am tired of fighting everyone and everything around me. For a change I wanted someone to take care of me, to understand me. But I guess that was never meant to happen and so I duly resign to my fate and accept all what is coming my way. No matter how sad and broken I may be from the inside, the outside should always have a smile. Forget about my own needs and concentrate on what others expect of me. Prove to others that I too can be good. And hate myself each passing day.

Nonetheless I am over exaggerating things as always. It is time to resign and refrain myself from doing anything stupid. 

A new beginning...

Lonely, lost and hurt,

Bruised and battered,

Looking back at the days

When all my dreams were shattered.

The shadows of the past

Haunting my dreams,

Even breathing had become difficult

And not so easy at it seemed.

Running from the truth,

Hiding from all that hurts,

Trying my very best

To control the tears and not to burst.

All hopes lost and gone

All I am was left alone

What mattered now did not exist,

What existed was all forlorn,

What had become of me?

What did I ever do to see?

All this in my life with

The dejected feelings.

The long lost feelings were now back

The rejection was all I had.

And then one fine day

A smile came my way,

Lift up my spirits

And swept me away.

The sun was suddenly so bright

The clouds parted their ways

There was a shadow haunting my past

But the present had a better promise today.

At times a smile is all you need

A hug is all you can feel

A pat on the back to motivate

A friend to never let you leave.

I remember not when I felt like this,

Your smile, the hug and your kiss,

Your touch, the warmth and I remember

Those soft and steady heart beats.

All this remind me of how I had forgotten,

To live my life and to believe.

You give me a reason to feel

Your love and your care

And makes life a lot more simpler

Just to be myself and to live.

I know not how to thank

Confused about the logical trend

Yet I believe in what has begun

And I hope it never sees an end.

Memoirs of a not-so-adventurous traveler…

21^st April’12

Another train journey all alone, but this time I seriously am not much sure about the destination. Quite frankly I won’t remember much about this journey…

The last time I was traveling alone like this was when I was returning back from Pune. That was quite a difficult time I had, having to say goodbye. I knew not what to do. Anyways what’s past is gone forever; all I have left is those wonderful memories which always seem to bring tears in my eyes. Sometimes I wish I had someone who could look right through me and sometimes I wish I was always this alone. Well to contemplate, actually I am all alone with myself, traveling to a place where I have never been to. And frankly this isolation and this desolation is not bothering me much because for a change I get to be quiet, all with my own self, not pretending to smile, to crack stupid jokes, to make others feel happy. I am what and where I am supposed to be. If this is where I should be, I am glad and happy about it. Life is freaking unpredictable and when it is throwing lemons at me; I try my best to make lemonade, no matter how bitter or sweet, out of it. What a cliché? Anyways it has been quite sometime since I wrote anything down (I am just typing out the words I had written during my visit to Nasik and Mumbai). And frankly I do not like my handwriting much because of being out of practice. I remember back in school and college days how obsessed I was with my handwriting. Now I am losing it. I guess I should be writing more than just typing. Even though my typing speed is good, my handwriting is losing its charm. Yesterday I was thinking what it would be like to be back at home and especially to be back to office. But I shouldn’t use this time thinking about all what irritates me and makes me all the more weird. What I need right now is a distraction. Perhaps a book should serve the purpose. So I guess I should be back to my old love for Jeffrey Archer and start reading the book I had bought such a long time ago. By the way the train journey has been fairly well as of yet, let’s see what the rest of the journey has in store for me. Till then adieus amigos!

Later that evening…

Just got off the phone with Anu. Another survey, another one in the bottom. As it is life is punishing me badly, I don’t really know what is expected of me. I know Mom and Dad have so many expectations from me and I am trying my best to fulfill those, but with all these set backs I really don’t know for how long I will be able to carry on. And the worst bit I can’t really share what I have in mind. My friends say give others a chance, who knows I might actually find someone who is all worth it. But then every time I give someone a chance, it seems like I open up a new avenue to disappoint myself. It is tough moving on when you realize you are all alone in this. No doubts I am trying my best to put up my brave face in front of everyone. No doubts I try to smile and joke with everyone every now and then. But it turns out that actually I am not worth anything. What is the use of all this love, truth, understanding, friendship, being nice to others, never being wicked to others, because at the end of the day I am the one who is hurt bad. Battered and bruised, somehow I still manage to smile, and even I don’t know how I manage to do that. I seriously don’t know what will be the end of this journey, but I do know one thing for sure, by the time I reach the end, nothing would matter anymore. Somehow I wish I am met with an accident or better yet if I could die. That would be such an easy escape from such a miserable life. But then I don’t really have many complaints, because life has awarded me with so many good things every now and then. So what if it had stopped doing that now? Does that mean I too should stop living? But then I have no reason to live and enjoy my life. For a change I want to live for myself. And frankly I don’t think it will ever be possible.

23^rd April’12

Had a good and peaceful time in Shirdi. Well, frankly speaking I don’t remember much of it. So many of my questions have gone unanswered and so many things need a change. Was just contemplating about what has gone by in the past few months and seems like I have not retained much in my memory. Some of the things which we had planned together did happen in my life, just that he was not there and seriously I did miss him. Somehow I miss him in every breath I take. It is really difficult living a life which seems like impossible. Others might think I am happy and all, but only I and only I know what is inside my mind. So many friends around, so many family members to take care of me, but somehow it seems like I am the loneliest of all. I guess it was always meant to happen like this. No matter how much I pray to God each day, at the end of it, I will get what I truly deserve. Life is crazy at present, screwed up in office, friends not bothered and I desperately try to hang on to someone, anyone somehow. I know I have never been like this, but life has never been this crazy before. Just waiting for an end to all this. I don’t know how all of it is going to come to an end; I just want it to be over and done with.

25^th April’12

Yes, I have wasted 9,000 bucks on a flight back home. When will I learn from my mistakes? When I should be supporting Mom and Dad, I am the one who is contributing to the lavish expenditures each month. Anyways stay at Mumbai was bearable. I have realized that no matter which state one is in, as long as one is happy, it doesn’t really matters. By the way the purpose of writing today is the fact that I seriously am feeling left out and alone. I need a person in life who can love me and care for me. I too wish there was someone to look after me, to click my pictures for a change, to look at me and to love me the way I am. But I guess I am not destined for all these things. I am looking for a positive change in life, but whatever is happening seems to pull me down two steps backwards. I know I am not a beauty queen, and I obviously don’t want such a treatment in life, but what I want is something positive, motivating to keep me going on with a smile on my face. And somehow the possibility of it seems to be going down the ditches by the day. Ever since we were planning for this trip, I had no clue as to what I was looking for. I had so many questions in my mind which mostly went unanswered. But as of now I have realized what exactly I am looking for, it is true companionship, someone I can be myself with, someone I can trust inside out and sadly enough I know that there never was such a someone meant for me. No matter how much I miss his presence in my life, no matter how much I crib or cry; at the end of the day I know I will have to face the world all alone. Seriously I wish I could run away from life and be all alone, on my own, but that too is never meant to happen to me. I wish, pray and cry, that this phase of life comes to an end as soon as possible. I believe I too should be getting married but then I myself don’t know if there also is a better half meant to be for me, someone who can take care of me and to love me inside out. Bhagwanji if at all you are listening to me, please send a Super Man or a Super Hero for me. For a change I guess I do deserve someone who can take care of me and love me. Bhagwanji please grant this small wish of mine. Life actually will become a lot easier to live if a life partner is caring, understanding and loving.

Lastly, Bhagwanji, Thank You for giving me the opportunity to express myself. Love You always.

And that is all from the memoirs of a not-so-adventurous traveler.

Somebody that I used to know...

Stupid and weird dreams I am having lately. I don’t really know what to do about them, or what exactly to make out of them, but nonetheless they are a part of my sub conscious mind, so I try to enjoy the dream as much as I can in the dream and yeah most importantly move on. Yesterday had this silly little dream where I saw so many known faces, faces I have liked, faces I admire, and all the faces were somewhat happy to see me. But only one face caught my attention, and how very filmy it was to watch the face while background score of “Pehli Mazar Mein” from RACE was playing. Like how stupid can my dreams actually be? It’s really funny to wake up and try to remember what I had dreamt about. But it is totally worth it. To realize that my stupid heart still cherishes certain memories and still hopes against hope that yes someday love will take over me and make all my stupid hopes come true.

At times I seriously wish I was in a movie. But then the drama which goes on in my life, that is no less than a typical bollywood movie.

Recently I have come across these people whom I think can actually understand me. And that is the best part of life. No matter what happens, how stupidly insane one might feel, you will always find the right kind of friends who will stand by you. And that is exactly my case. I have found friends I never thought would exist. Thank You Bhagwanji, You know You are the best.!!!

I am listening to so many songs these days, trying to seriously move on in life. Cannot always be the stupid old fool in love. I need to find my own way. Even though my cheese is moved from life, I am now ready to find some new cheese and make the most out of my life. Lets hope this time the cheese is worth it.

Till then some other time, needed to share a few bits and pieces of life here and there. Next will update when another stupid dream of mine shall bug me out of my sleep. 

Bound to Forget...!!!

It has been such a long time that I don’t feel his hug anymore; I seem to have forgotten his touch and the feel that he is around me. And I am shit scared to forget him. How can I when I know I still love him with all my heart and soul? How can I forget him when he was the only one who was so close? Why am I still so stupid to wait for someone I know will never ever even show me his face again?

I am behaving like a love lost puppy, but I know no better way to behave myself. Whoever tries to come close to me, I scare them away. But the fact is I am scared of hurting myself once again. But who is to understand what I am going through? Who is there to stand by my side when I feel weak and want to quit? He and only he has seen the real me, the real me who too can be scared of the dark, who too can be the perfectly smiling girl. I wish the days would be back but then I don’t wish to see him hurt once again. I wish a hell lot of things to come true but then at the end of the day I realize that wishes are all those things one misses in life. So it is fine. I am trying my best to fight against all odds and to come out strong once again.

Oh! How much I hate the word “strong”? I want to meet the person who thought of such a word and made a hell out of my life. It’s like everyone who meets me has to say the same shitty thing--- “be strong”. Bloody hell, it’s easier to say than to do. Had they been in my position I doubt they could have managed even one day out of their precious life. The worst part of life is that no one understands what I am going through. Everyone is ready to give their own opinions and advices, but what about me? What about that which still survives inside me? What about the stupid little hopeless hope that things will be alright? What about my voice, my thoughts and my opinions? Don’t they get a say in my life. This is the only reason why I hate talking too much with anyone, because I know very well no one will look the way I am looking. At best they will confuse me all the more with my life which I don’t want.

The worst part of all this is I have somehow forgotten myself. The crazy girl with crazy dreams, high ambitions in life, so many desires, somewhere she is lost and forgotten. And what I fear the most is losing her, I mean losing myself in this chaos. As long as I will breathe I will ensure that I don’t die. I will stay alive with all the best possible reasons in life. I don’t know what is in future, but no matter what I won’t give up on myself. No matter what others think about me, whether beautiful or not, slim or not, sweet or not, at the end of the day, I AM WHAT I AM AND WHAT I WAS MEANT TO BE… and nothing or no one can change that. All might be forgotten but not me… never ME…!!!

I dream never to dream again...

It was around 2 days ago that I had a weird dream. Not that I don’t have weird dreams every now and then, but the weird part was I was happy in my dream. Oh! How much I wish my dream would come true, at least the part where I have someone who can take care of me, hug me and make me feel come alive once again.

I don’t know how but I do remember the details of this dream real well and that is what surprises me. Hardly has such dreams left a big impression in my memory but seems like it doesn’t wants to leave my mind. Or should I say I just can’t part with the very idea of it being a dream. It was so freaking real that I still can feel the hug and the smile spread over my face. Oh! What will I give up to get myself back, if ever.

So after all the hype about my weird dream, let me go ahead and narrate it, as simply as possible. Because after a point it becomes scandalous and even in that scandal I remember each breathe, every move and every step I took. Strange, really strange!

First of all, I dreamt about me and this guy we are together as a happy couple. As for this guy let’s call him Illusion, because at one point of time I could have sworn my life and love for him but he hurt me bad, hurt me a lot and I just can’t forget the pain he caused me. I try my best not to be so rude to him but I just can’t help it. I end up being so irritated towards him that we mostly end a conversation with silence. So now the narration of my weird dream continues… details shall be revealed later on.

It was a casual evening. I was lying on the bed watching TV and flipping between channels trying to find something sensible as well as watch able. And as I try my best to flip between channels, this hand comes from behind me and hugs me tightly and I can hear someone say in my ears, “You know I would never let you go”.

Well yes, mostly in my dreams I see people conversing in English; even I tend to think in English these days. So don’t mind the dialogues thinking that it will sound so cheesy in Hindi, but actually whatever was in Hindi will be duly translated in Hindi and will be credited as well.

I am surprised to hear the voice, because somehow I don’t recognize it, yet it sounds familiar. I can feel the touch and the warmth of the arms around me, I feel secure and protected, yet I don’t know who is hugging me. So finally I turn around and I find Illusion there. To my utter surprise he is smiling and looking so happy and moreover he is saying that he loves me. Well, yes of course I did imagine a time that he would confess his love to me, but that never ever happened and this shouldn’t have been happening either. But I can see him clearly, listen to what he is saying, and feel his emotions and that bright smile which even I seem to share with him. And in a very filmy way he says, “aisi hi hasti raha kar, tujhe haste dekh bahut sukun milta hai”. English translation; keep smiling like this always, seeing you smile gives me peace of mind. As in coming from him seems so surprising and so shocking that in the dream I think that I am dreaming and that he must be joking, when he kisses me slightly on my forehead. And I felt that he has kissed me a million times. It didn’t feel weird or something new to me. And that is what was more dangerous for me.

Later mom called us out of the room, then he gave a sweet smile and let go off me so that I could go out and help mom with something. The next I see is that my niece is not going off to sleep and I have been given the responsibility to make her fall asleep. I try to make her fall asleep when someone comes and hugs me tightly from behind. And you won’t believe it was Illusion again. And to this hug I reply, “tumhe pata hai naa abhi tak tumhare weight k addat nahi hui hai mujhe, thoda aaram se hug kia karo”. English translation: You know that I am still not used to your weight (not that he was fat or anything, just that suddenly when weight falls on you, you feel weird), so please hug me a little slowly and not so tightly. And he sweetly smiled and said, “bahut jald aadat padd jayegi…” English translation: Soon you will get used to it. And guess what I do next, I hug him back more tightly and this time I say, “You know, I will never ever let you go”. And I am editing the scandalous bit, stating only that we ended up kissing very very passionately.

This dream of hardly 5-6 minutes made me scream out of my bed. Yes, you read it right, I did scream. It is all I can think of for the past couple of days. And why the scream? Well as it is evident, emotionally at this point I am not in a very good state, and this dream reminded me of everything I ever dreamt of with Ron (somehow I just call him my ex because he is very much a part of me). I shared my dream with a friend and she said this is only because right now I am looking for someone who can look after me and since no one is able to fill the void in me; my subconscious is treating me to such fantasies.

Well I feel so too now. But somehow I was happy and smiling in my dream. And it was the genuine smile which is missing in me for such a long time. Oh! How much I want myself to be back to me. I want to be the real me, the happy me. But there is nothing good happening around me to make me happy. I am faking every smile, and now it seems even my breathing has become fake. Every night and day I cry. I fail to share my insecurities. I have never done that ever in my life and the one person I shared my life with; we just can’t share our future together. I am having such weird thoughts lately. Feel like running away from everything and everyone. Today itself I thought why not register on a matrimony website, and get married and get away from everything in life. I don’t want to stay in India anymore. I don’t want to be around my friends and family anymore. I want to be invisible in the crowd, don’t want to be recognized for a change. Don’t want to be loved or missed for a change. I just want to run away. And it’s been enough; I seriously can’t take it anymore. Soon I will give in and I will go away forever. I don’t have the strength in me to take this loneliness, to be practical and to move on. No one will realize what Ron meant to me and still means to me. I pray and wish he gets the best of the best and is happy forever. But for myself I want a deep sleep, yes a sleep without any stupid or weird dreams, a sleep where my whole body goes numb, I close my eyes and the only time I open them is to find myself in my own paradise, away from everything and everyone.

I have become so negative and yet I can’t help myself anymore. I just want to run away. And there is no one who can help me out. I want to sleep now; hopefully I can rest my head. And hopefully I never ever come back…

An Angel in disguise...

I had seen her face before

With a perfect smile, those bright big eyes

Like a fairy from a folklore.

I had heard a lot about her,

The endless pranks and those smiles she spread

Making her so very popular with others.

Finally I met the angel in disguise,

Battered and bruised by the troubles of life

And yet I could feel her magical smile.

She welcomed me in an unwanted world,

Hugged me when I felt alone.

Her smile and her warmth made it all worth.

I don’t know all what goes in her mind

But I do know she is always concerned

About those around, and she wants to find

A solution for the problems which are not hers.

Concerned about others more than herself

Makes her all the more precious.

She has the strength in her to make you stand

When you want to fall and give up your hands.

She knows how to create magic even without a wand.

So many look up to her,

So many want to be by her side

But I am the lucky one who knows her.

An angel in disguise, a fairy without wings

A sweet heart with the best of smiles

A perfect friend, perfect to the core indeed...

Life as I see it today...

Life as I see it today...

Dark grey clouds pouring down rain,

A filthy street with no escape,

The stench of blood causing severe headache.

Life as I see it today...

Fake smiles and so many masquerades,

Promises of eternal love so fake,

Friends and enemies all equal today.

Life as I can see it, running away.

The dead rose on the altar,

The tree without any shelter,

The poor dog howls and cries all day,

And all I can hear is the cruel laughter.

Life has changed over and over again.

Losing consciousness, there is no gain,

From telling the truth, we all refrain

A sunny sky with heavy rains.

Life as I see it today...

The dirt and the dust put away

Sweeping the floors all through the day

Dusting the rugged carpet, cleaning all the way,

But at the end, all the stains remain.

Life as I see it today

Hopeless and lost I stand to fall once again.

The color of distraction...

Aint finding the right words to say,

How I felt when you looked my way?

Your perfect smile and the positive vibe,

Made my day happy again.

The color of love was all you had

The color so pure, made you look so fab.

I wish you too could have known

How much I admired you today in your new image.

Tall, broad and handsome, should I call you

A figure of absolute perfection?

I don't mean to scare you away

But somehow I admire you today.

Another day coming to an end

Another distraction making its way

Upto my stupid life but tomorrow

Everything, even your memory will be washed away.

But not to worry, you shall always be

A perfect part of my happy memory.

Your picture perfect day shall always be remembered

In these words I just stole away.

Thank you for being what you are

A perfect creature in this not so perfect world

A great smile and a happy life

A sweet distraction in my boring life.

Music to the ears....?!?!?!

I agree it’s been quite sometime that I have updated anything. But frankly even though I had quite a few things in mind, I just didn’t have the right time to express them or even the words to do so. But finally I gain the courage, which is right, courage, to type down some of the emotions I have felt in the past few days.

Well for a change my family had decided to go on a vacation to Vishakapatnam. I readily agreed to the idea because I needed a change and moreover I wanted to get away from some of the things which have been going on in my life for the past few months. And in Vizak I had my first ever instance of being approached by a guy. It was on our first day of travel that we went to Kailashgiri. Being a hot and humid day, we all were actually stressed out and drained out as well. So have found a place under a tree, we all took chairs to sit down, order food and to relax and revive our spirits. It was then that I and mom were left alone when this guy approaches our place and seems to be giving all kinds of vibes that men usually give to women when they are interested in them. I had always seen it happen not only in movies, but also with my friends. But it was the first time for me and so I was kind of surprised and yet was eager to see how actually it happens with me. The first thing the guy said was, “So hot, Aunty?!?!?!” I am sure it was a question, but we later joked about it, calling mom hot. :P then the guy tried to make a decent conversation but I never divulged the right information to him. According to some, well to be specific, according to this one person, the guy had only approached me because of my attire. I was wearing a skirt and also a hat, all the more reason for the guy so as not to being able to see my face properly. Well no matter what the reason might have been, it was my first time ever to be approached by a guy. And frankly I was flattered, any girl would have been. But the poor guy, he should have gone for someone much smarter than me. I won’t be too harsh on him, but dude thanks for the experience you gave me. You shall always be remembered as the first guy who approached me in my life.

Even while in vacation, somehow I was unable to get him out of my head. Everything around me is turning to be irritating. Seriously I am losing my patience now and I know not what I should be doing or expecting of others. Somehow I wish things could have been a lot simpler. And somehow I wish I never had my heart broken. But look at the irony of things, I still am proud and egoistic enough to expect that things will be good someday for me and actually there will be a guy who will genuinely like me and love me the way I am and will have no qualms in accepting me in his life. How very hypocritical of me!?!?! When will I ever start to learn my lessons in life? Grow up girl, its time you changed for your own good.

All the best with that…!!!

The revelations of a stupidly proud and egotistical girlfriend…

The life of illusion and the romantic notions which are fed to our minds right from the very beginning of our lives, it just makes us all the more hopeless and stupid. Based on my own personal experiences have I decided to finally reveal the revelations, some of which I realized myself and some of which was made to dawn on me. Here I am today accepting all what I have done and the only regret I will have for the rest of my life is that I was stupid enough to believe the notions others had created to distract us and to keep us away from the painful truth of reality.

As a happy-go-lucky child, I was really never bothered about how others perceived of me. Changing schools and being alone in a crowd was something I was already getting used to. Everyone knew I was friendly but no one knew that even I needed friends to be myself. As I grew up, watching hopelessly stupid and romantic movies, I thought I too will have a prince charming in my life. Perhaps not as perfect as the ones who are shown in the movies, but someone who would know me inside out and love me all the same. When I joined this school, all such notions came to an end, because I hated boys by now. They always thought of me as a guy amongst them, even when I would never talk with them, and would be always intimidated by my strength. It also gave me pleasure in so many ways to see that none of the guys could ever stand up to me.

When I entered college I realized that love was an eternal part of many living beings. I too wished to be loved by now but as expected I was never the right person for love. But somewhere deep inside my heart and my mind I truly believed that someday I too will find love because after all I am made of love, and I too will be loved and cared for. It was in college that one of my very good guy friends told me that I am a marriage material and not exactly a girlfriend type. Back then I really didn’t understand whether to take it as a compliment or to be irritated by it. But whatever it was, I was fine. I always thought that the guy who will have the guts to propose me will actually make me not just his girlfriend but also his wife. My pride was too big to see anything else otherwise. So many people told me on my face that I was ugly, but my ego kept on believing that someday I will be the prettiest of all girls for someone special. No matter how many times people teased me about being so tom boyish, I always knew and truly believed that with my prince charming I will be the epitome of womanhood and not just this, I will be his perfect girlfriend, his best friend and his lover. Little had I realized back then how hollow my thought process and my opinions were for my own self? I should have listened to all what others had to say about me. I was a girl everyone can be scared of, a girl who is strong enough to be by herself and is never meant to be loved or taken care of.

Most of the times guys don’t realize that even girls need to be taken care after. It is not always the girl whose responsibility is to look after everyone at home, but the guy’s responsibility as well. But then back to where I was. After college, life was very dull and boring and actually depressing for me. I was disconnected with everything around me, trying to find a place for myself, figuring out what I should be doing.

During this phase I met him, he became my best friend. The first person I opened up to and discussed the most secret of my fears. I am frankly not the kind of person who would love to talk about her own self all day and night long. But yes at times I too need someone who could hear me out. And my pride made me believe that yes there too will be someone who will be able to fulfill this desire of mine. After becoming friends, we got to know each other so very well that by now I had told almost everything about my life. I also tried to probe into his life, but he didn’t open up instantly, he took his own sweet time to discuss matters with me, and I respected that. I was in love and you know what, I still am hopelessly in love with him.

Technically we have spent only 6 days together. And I seriously can live 6 lifetimes for those 6 days. But then I got to know of some things I had never ever realized before. Up till a few days ago I considered myself to be a good girl friend. In fact he always agreed to it, that he could never find someone like me ever in my life. And now I know that it was never out of love that he used to say so, but rather it was the truth which he felt, only I was stupid enough to believe all that.

Today I realize that actually I am not worth being someone’s girlfriend, let alone someone’s life partner. There have been guys who have told me time and again that I am scary and you know what when you hear something spoken to you again and again, you actually start believing it. Well fine, I accept today that I am scary. And I also accept it is far better to be alone and lonely than to have someone who lies to your face. When I was in a relationship, I hardly had any friends left around me. Even on my birthday, there hardly was anyone who was interested in wishing me. But then you blamed me that I pushed you away from your friends. I guess you are right; I never gave you, your personal space. I forced you into meeting my friends, my family; I forced you in committing with me. I am such a bitch. I feel so cheated right now. But don’t worry; I won’t blame you or anyone else for that matter. I solely am responsible for this current situation. Had I not forced my life upon you, this would have never happened. I am sure you too are glad that it has come to an end. Frankly I never had to intention to interfere in your or anyone else’s life. All I ever tried to do was love you the way I knew you should be loved. And today I feel that all my endeavors were a waste, because you never really understood me and were looking for every stupid reason to break up with me.

Oh how much I wish I could speak my mind out completely. But my stupid pride and ego still stands in the way. I am no longer a girlfriend but yes I am still stupid, proud and full of ego.

These lines from Katy Perry’s song :

“In another life

I would be your girl

We'd keep all our promises

Be us against the world

In another life

I would make you stay

So I don't have to say

You were the one that got away

The one that got away.”

Well I thought of these lines again and again, and all I could think of was you and me. But from today onwards I will pray that we are never together again. I don’t want to come between you and your friends. And no matter how much your friends embaras me and make me feel uncomfortable, I shall never be a reason for your embarrassment in front of your friends. You are free to live your life your way. Your family, your friends, your thoughts, your opinions, is all you should be bothered about. Rest is none of your concern. And also from today I have decided that I will not even call you. I don’t need even a friend in my life. I have done great being alone and I will do great being alone always. I don’t need anyone anymore in my life. Thanks for all you have ever done for me. I don’t regret a single second spent with you, but yes I do regret the fact that even though you told me I was your best friend, you were never honest with me. You never ever gave me the chance to be your best friend. And I like a stupid told you everything about me and my life. I thought finally I had found someone who could listen to me. But I never thought that while listening to me, you yourself will stop speaking your mind. Today I am glad it is over, or else I would have been responsible for ruining your life and taking you away from your friends and family.

Once again I don’t regret the time we spent together, I just regret the fact that I was never worth being your best friend. Thanks for your time, your love, your patient hearing, your patience and everything else. But yes thanks for making me realize that I actually am a stupidly proud and egotistical girlfriend, someone who can never ever be anyone’s love or even a friend for that matter.

Thanks…!!!

My Stupid Crush...

A stupid guy I have a crush on

Who appears to be an absolute moron.

No offence meant to his intelligence

But then he does lack common sense.

His hair is always untidy

And he talks so very rudely.

His smile, so very irritating

And the way he speaks is so demeaning.

He thinks he is a super stud

But someone should tell him, he is a dud

I see his face in every damn Bollywood movie

What is so very wrong with me???

Here I am judging his every move

And then I see myself falling in love???

Out of question is the very context

How could I fall for such a pretext?

By the end of this short tragedy

I will surely get over him. :P

But then he shall be remembered

As my stupid crush in my memory.

Thank you for the distraction you provided

I wish it was not this much misguided.

Now is my turn to look around myself

And find a sweet target to mock him as well.

All I need is a hug...

Little had I known

That I would be this alone

To not even being able

To walk a stone…

Dad had promised me no heart breaks.

He made me smile when I was awake

We made a secret pact that we shall be

Always the best of buddies…

But then a huge time gap came

We were together yet we became

The strangers who would talk less

And often smile at each other.

But oh Dad, how badly do I miss those days

When you would come to me

And hug me always.

There were those stupid evenings

When I would rush out on hearing

You arrive. Hug you tightly

And proudly say, you are all mine.

Now you hugged me only when

You knew I had a heart break

And stood by me

When everyone else just stared.

He came like a wind

He left like a storm

He made me unwind

Myself and made me strong.

The best part, dad, you accepted him

Without a question or two,

And I knew everything was so true.

Yet it has come to this

You, who made me realize the true essence

Of being hugged, left me in the mist.

And today I woke up realizing late

That I could never hug like that again.

Now I wish I could hug myself

Because it’s a gesture of

Being loved and being cared.

I could hug dad again

I could hug everyone today

Yet little will anyone of them know

How badly I need a hug this day.

Strong arms around me

Unspoken promise of eternity

Secure and protected from the

Rest of the mean world.

Oh! How much I can give

For a hug like that.

And so I jump off my bed

Rush to the bedroom

And hug my family,

The greatest gift of my life.

I hug my grandma, insomniac she is.

I hug my dogs, lovely babies.

I will hug everyone who comes around

Love this day and spread love always.

BirThDay BuMpS...!!!

So here I am once again rambling about a life whose existence doesn’t really matter much. Anyways it matters to me, and that is what is most important right now for me. So it was my birthday yesterday. And you know how much I love and hate my birthdays. But yeah had done my shopping and my bit of excitement for my birthday.

At office I was warned things will never be the way I would want them to be. So I was kind of prepared and yet so not prepared. A whole cake all over my face. Just imagine, poor me. Thank God, no one clicked pictures. Anyways it was fun also. And the best part, I got chocolate from someone I had not expected to get, yet I did. And to add to it, he bought my favorite chocolate. Thanks buddy… it was a very very pleasant surprise… then my AMO also got me a chocolate, yippee…!!! I was feeling like a kid who’s up for some surprise. And also, this new hate-love-hate crush also wished me. And I realized the only reason I have had a crush on him, is because of his sweet childish face, nothing else to recommend as of yet. So the crush is gone by now, cause you know me so well, my crushes don’t last for long. And this crush also made me realize that I am done with the height phenomenon. Remember Nature Boy back in college. I used to adore his height, oh… how much fun have I had on his expense. But my hate-love-hate crush also has a great height, but the magic never happened and good for me. Even though I accept I need distraction in life, I don’t want it from someone I have to see every day. Taylor Lautner is the best option I can opt for. There are a bunch of options in office itself which seems interesting, but as I always say, things look much better from far away and that is so very freaking true.

Back at home, I was planning for a quite dinner for a long long time indeed. And you know what dad met with an accident. I was so freaking irritated with my own self. Why did it ever happen? I was so angry on God, but then I realized that God gave me the best gift of all. All this while I was looking for a man on whom I can rely upon, who could be there to protect me and take care for me, and I just didn’t realize that one man is my dad and no one, never ever can understand me better than him. And God saved him for me, what else can I ask for. Dad you are and you will always be the best man I have ever known in my life and you know what I love you the most. All my thanks and gratitude to my Almighty, who listens to me every day crib and cry and yet takes care of me and my Guardian Angels.

And you can expect my mood to go haywire but thankfully a very old friend called me up and I felt so much at ease. After talking to him I came back to my senses and celebrated my dad’s recovery with my birthday. There was no birthday cake, but there were lots of colorful balloons, and the people I love the most in my life. Had a good spread of food and my strong dad peacefully snoring away in his sleep. That is what is more important to me than any birthday party I could have celebrated ever.

And while the weekend is here, I know dad would want me to be happy and celebrate it. Because he was more happy than I was today. Love you dad. Always…

Life... through me...!!!

Life is becoming complicated by the day. I wonder what exactly I am still doing here. Yet somehow I drag on and I try my best to keep my head held high. But these days I feel so restless and irritated with myself that I can give no logical explanation for it. Seems like logic has lost its importance in my life. I remember being the confident girl who had every eye on her, criticizing her, taunting her, embarrassing her, yet she was strong enough to bear it all. But now I think that girl is lost somewhere. No matter how much I try to put the mask up, someway or the other I keep on losing out on it.

Some days back we had actually had a conversation while fighting. A lot of things which were unsaid finally came out of their wraps. And I was, for a change relieved because those things had eaten up my mind for such a long time. Seems like mom and dad too had forgotten about them, but no one knew how badly I was shaken and affected when actually I had to go through all of it. But as some poet had said, I can’t remember who, our best songs are of our saddest emotions. And I so clearly remember one of my compositions, I AM UGLY. Well it might not be a very fantastic piece of work, but for me it says the best of my emotions. And I love myself inside out and every part of me is vital to me. Only I am aware of things which I have experienced and no words can actually express it. But I try hard to express myself because I know keeping things inside me is not the best way to live through life. And the position I am right now in, it feels so frustrating to see how well I could have dealt with it, and how helpless I feel right now.

I remember always being the friendly one, the chirpy one, as many would describe, happy go lucky girl. But then there has always been a part of me which was hidden from the rest. No matter how much my expressions give away my feelings, what truly lies beneath me, stays underneath forever. And yes I did made a mistake of sharing my deepest thoughts with this someone special, with whom I thought things would turn out to be the best. But look at my over confidence and my ego, I never ever can accept that the fault lies in me. I never tried to stop it from happening. No matter how much I was scared about the future, I now know that I should expect nothing of it. From where I stand today it seems like there is no hope at all. My sleepless nights are driving me crazy. My crazy dreams are making me irritated and scared all the more. The smile I wear on my face everyday is starting to wear off. I seriously have no idea how I will deal with things anymore.

Yesterday while returning from my bro’s place, I was as always cribbing about my life. Well frankly I have no idea what I am really up to and what I am trying to do with my life. As clueless as ever, I feel like walking towards something I have neither idea about nor even the intention to walk any further. But something keeps me from giving up and yet I keep on walking. It is actually senseless of me to expect anything out of my life at all. The days I have gone through, only I know how I have survived through them. The pains stabs like a death wound. Anyways so as I was saying, dad told me that my life has only begun and that I need not worry about things because somehow or the other they will work out for the best. But how should I tell him or make him understand that things are quite different that what he perceives it to be. I know he has seen life in a much better way than I have, yet I have lost hope. And the positive me is just lost somewhere these days.

None the less I am here writing out everything. Well for a change I decided to keep my blog updated. It’s been such a long time that I have been writing for and I want to continue to do so. Writing is something which makes me feel happy and satisfied about myself and my life. It’s an absolute pleasure to see and perceive things and then to decorate them with the few words I have in my vocabulary. I know I am no award winning writer or something, but someday I hope that I will be known for my writings. After all they are an eternal part of me and who I am.

I need a distraction badly. And I know not where I will find such a distraction. Well things are very much different now. You know what I had this weird dream about this guy, one amongst the many; I have a stupid crush on. Actually it is not a crush; it’s just a liking from the far. Well anyways as I was saying, in this weird dream of mine, he came up to me and hugged me so tightly. In fact I want a hug pretty badly these days and there is absolutely no one to understand that need of mine nor am I able to make anyone understand about it. And also weirdly enough I was crying and the moment I felt the hugged, I was enveloped in these warm arms which seemed to protect me from the outside world. I felt safe and secure in those arms. I don’t really know what my dream was trying to tell me, but one thing is for sure, my dream made it pretty clear to me that am virtually depressed from the inside. The people around me fail to see it nor have I the intentions of making it clear to anyone of them.

Hey in office, I have met a few very good people and I have really happy to interact with them each day. The stupid jokes we crack and when we pull each other’s leg. It is all too much funny. I wish each of them great lives to come.

More on my stupid little useless and hopeless life later. Take care till then…

Random ramblings....!!!

Somehow life is getting a little more difficult for me to live. I am so absolutely clueless about things around me. And the worst part I absolutely have no control over anything at all. Trying my best to keep my good spirits up, I fail to understand that there are powers much greater than me at work. Not only metaphorically but it’s a reality. And frankly I am out of words today and am even more confused about my feelings right at this moment, or how I should be feeling right now.

By the way have stopped reading for some weird reason. But I am sure to resume my small adventure back real soon, because I badly need the distraction again soon. Taylor has been a blessing for me indeed. That guy has no clue, but he has been such a big help and support for me all this while. Bless you Taylor Lautner. And also I think I must confess, that keeping up the pretense of liking Lautner, has made me actually like him now. So after the super duper roller coaster crush and love and loss of Hugh Jackman, my hopes have revived in the form of Taylor Lautner. How ironical it is indeed. In both the scenarios, I am well aware that I am an over-reacher and yet I have so very many hopes of these rendezvous’ of mine. Nonetheless I must admit that both Hugh and Taylor have been a great source of support, inspiration, admiration and most of all distraction for me. And no matter what I shall always remember you guys for this.

Well something happened lately of which I don’t know much of comment or say about. But I absolutely hate it when people have to suffer because of me. I am not aware of how things will be in the future, nor have I the desire to hopelessly predict it, I just want everyone to be happy around me and also I don’t want to cause trouble for everyone. And believe me when I say everyone, I mean everyone.

I did my advance birthday shopping, and I haven’t ever spent so very much on shopping. :P and now me thinking why did I had to spend so much. I will have to keep a track of my spending. I don’t want to end up spending more than what I earn.

Also I met a lot of good people indeed. And believe me when I say this, we go crazy together… and it is like actual crazy, talking about everything crappy possible on earth and yet each one of us has the ability to laugh with others as well as to laugh at ourselves. Well I hope both of these creatures I am talking about have a great future and a super awesome life to look forward to.

As already known I am in a very weird phase of a break-up where I and Ron still are unable to keep away from each other and end up talking over the phone and sharing stuff. I am also going through this weird crush phase, where I am having random crushes on these guys around me. Well to be exact the count now is… 7. And stupid I am thinking now it is not enough. Back in college days we used to have such random crushes which would crash every other minute or two. Anyways this reminds me about those crazy days when I had a Nature Boy in my life… :P Those days were fun. Wow! How much I wish I was back in school or college, not university of course. :D

I heard Prof.CG lef t CU. Well I wish the man best of everything and I will miss him for his absolutely outstanding classes for Christabel. I remember being apprehensive at the beginning of the year, when I came to know that one of my favorite poets, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, was to be taught by anyone else except Prof.BD. Oh! How can I forget those classes of Kubla Khan, when I would literally hang on the words spoken by my very own Greek God? He was flawless and just perfect. Prof. BD had created such a high level of expectations within me that I found it hard to believe that anyone has the capability to reach that level. But it was Prof. CG who proved me so very wrong. Those days of Christabel shall always be in my mind. Thanks to both of my professors. I am seriously going to miss some great days and moments of my life.

I just realized that I have written quite a lot. Hopefully will be able to update certain cool things or maybe a poem or two soon. Just waiting for the right kind of inspiration. By the way my last poem about the Angel Face was written when I went to visit the Doctor for Mom. :P Anyways more updates later… got to go now.!!!