Rejoice... it is the Selfish Me!!!

My habit of writing and reading is slowly going away. I don’t know why but it has. Hopefully one of these days I get back the energy to hit the novels and read them up. I was so much into them but don’t really know what happened to me.

Perhaps because I saw my friend hiding these super costly novels from me in her house so that I don’t borrow them from her. Well it definitely did hurt, but it hurt the most because I clearly remember her destroying the one novel I hold dear to my heart when I had lend it to her. Well the world is full of selfish people and I am no less.

How to define my selfishness?!?!

It is kind of difficult. But yes I am a human being and I am entitled to try and to things to the best of my capability.

This goes back to the days when I was in C.A.E.H.S and I was really getting horrible grades and was unable to keep up my grades, especially in maths  [K.S.Nag (author of the maths book) I still hate you]. So my parents got to know of this tutor who would come and teach me all the subjects. Not only this, the tutor was well known all over the colony. So my parents hire him to teach me and you know what I do? I go up to my friends and tell them I got hold of this very famous tutor and not only this I invite them to take tuitions from the same guy with me at my house. Well you will be thinking this isn’t a selfish act at all. But you will be surprised to know that one of my friends was already taking tuitions from this guy but never really bothered to tell us and when I shared the news, I got a scolding from this esteemed friend of mine for making it public.

It was after I gave my Class-VII exams, that my parents shifted me to this another school, N.P.S.S.B.S, a C.B.S.E board. By the way I forgot to mention, my previous school was of state board where English was not at all given any priority and also they were following the syllabus of my grand mom’s days. And now I was thrown to this entirely new and advanced set up, where we had facilities like the computers, library and many more. For the entire first week in the new school I had no friends. I don’t recall how exactly I passed my days there, but by the second week I did had friends and I am so grateful to each one of them. Well so in this new school, I always used to speak in English, even though my English was pathetic, but English has been my favorite subject since time immemorial. And the other students were not at all comfortable at it. So they usually avoided my company. Anyways by the end of the year we had to attend this NCC camp for which we were asked to sit for your exams before the others and then leave for the camp. I gave the exams and didn’t know what happened once I left school. When I returned I got to know that I did really well in English and that was the time when the other students opened up to me and started talking to me. It was like now I too am worthy of their company. Nonetheless there were a hell lot of things the school taught me, and I am really happy that my parents decided to change my school.

After my boards I wanted to go to ACS, ISC board. For which I sat for an entrance exam and gave an interview as well. To be honest I don’t remember how all of it went, but after a week when the results were announced I was taken in and this was the moment of joy for all. Mom and Dad had been trying their best to get me into this school for a long time now. But due to a thing or two I would never get the admission. But finally I did and it was great. Being a total girl’s school, I saw so many things and learnt so much about girls.

I was always among the top three in class and I seriously don’t know how I managed to do that. Then my name came in the merit list of SXC, and I was the only one to get through the college. And you know what I did; I came out of the college and on our way back home cried for my friends as I knew they had all applied and none got through. And in the evening I get call from these very friends of mine accusing me of the fact that I never said I was applying in the college or else they wouldn’t have wasted money of filling the form for the college.

After SXC, some of us had a real tough time getting into a college for our masters degree. CU reserved only 2 damn seats for students from SXC and then also deducted our total percentage at the very last moment. Because of this many couldn’t get through and the day I got to know of this, I was returning home with dad in the scooter and I cried. And seriously I did. I was so irritated at all of this and you know what one of my friends asked me, whether or not I bribed the people there.

This is the price I paid for my selfishness over the years. The times I have been mean and selfish I got a punch directly on my face, and no one had to do that. Life itself has punished me so very many ways. And still the punches hurt. But why do friends forget all the good things or life and remember the bitter things. Only perhaps it wasn’t expected out of those people you trust the most. And often you trust someone else so much that their fiction seems more real than reality and the truth becomes one of the many lies which you rather do away with than face.

Cheers to Selfishness and to selfish me!!!

Run-Away!!!

My friends always ask me why I seem to run away from them whenever I have problems or whenever something negative happens around me. Most of the times I seriously am out of words to tell them the reasons for doing so, and seriously I myself am so freaking confused all the time about sharing my personal stuff with them.

Well frankly speaking half the friends are not at all bothered at all, and the few of those who are little bit bothered, have no time or interest as such. I mean it gets so difficult to choose one thing over the other. It’s like to choose between getting ignored or going away from those who ignore you? It is a difficult choice I must say, but one has to choose.

To look at the bigger picture, somehow or the other the equation between me and my friends has never really worked out. Well for one among the many reasons, we are two completely different individuals with different approaches towards life. Over time I have come across so many people with different needs and wants and each special and unique, at times irritating and stupid in their very own ways. But I have loved and still love each one of them. It is just the simple fact that at times I like to be left alone, before I can figure out something about my life. Frankly I had such great dreams and elaborate plans about myself that it hurts to see them crumble. Moreover everyone has seen me strong and believe me when I say this. I have always been like this superwoman for whom everything has been possible, who is tough and strong and solid. Well to be frank at times I do feel like a rock, been thrown over from this side of the lane to the other now and then. Anyways the basic thing is unless and until I prove myself to myself; I rather keep things to myself.

Well also to add to my situation there are a host of things going so very against me. It’s like my mind is divided in so many bits and pieces that I have these stupid fits of losing my conscious and being what can only be described as mad. Some of my friends think it is one of those very phases where lovers have a fight, but how should I tell them that there are so very many things my boyfriend himself is unaware of. Luckily I have someone in my life who is so supportive and I burst out to him now and then. But that is so very unfair on my part. So I am trying my best to refrain myself from saying anything which might hurt anyone.

There have been times when I have been let down by my friends and especially those days when I needed someone the most. Somehow the feeling of being left out and loneliness has left a bitter taste on my tongue. And lately has turned so sour that I just don’t want to go on with it anymore. I so wish for my childhood days to return but I don’t have a lamp to rub on it and order a genie to make things better. Rather as my destiny states, I will work hard, toil day and night to set things right, right for all my loved ones. Oh! How I wish some things would work out like in a snap of a finger. But then they will never and I know it very well.

Even thought my elaborate plans are going to the ditches very effectively, I still try and hold my ground, with frankly speaking only my God and no one else. It is difficult to see my loved ones suffer each day and I feel so helpless most of the times.

Friends, family members and my dear ones, if ever you get to read this, remember no matter what each one of you make me what I am today. I love you all no matter what. Just want to apologize for all the days I couldn’t make the sun shine on you and made you sad. If I could have my way I would take back all those days. But I am only a mortal and be rest assured I won‘t live long.

Thanks for everything you guys have done for me. I can never in a million years repay it back to any one of you. Thank You!!!