Sunday, July 31, 2011

If only...


It is really pathetic to see people go away so easily. I seriously can’t believe it is actually happening to people. First he and now she, two of my friends, we may not have been very good friends or that close to each other, but yes we were friends, committed suicide. It is really shocking and I don’t know why I am typing this down. Maybe since there is no one to talk to actually. And I can understand a bit of what they must have gone through.

The pressure of so many expectations, the pressure of your very own dreams, and the pressure of trying hard to achieve something, can drive the sanest of creatures insane. Can make people do things unthinkable of. Can make lives and can easily break them too. That is what has lead me thinking about things I never dared to even think about. It’s strange to see how strong my friends must have been to commit suicide, the purpose and the reason behind such an act must have been strong, very strong for the to take such a drastic step. And all I can do now is pray for them. But oh! How jealous I am of them now. Ufff!! And irritated too. I seriously have no words to describe the feeling I am having right now.

I wish I could talk to someone but then I can’t, even if I can, I know no one will be bothered to understand me. I know people can laugh at others easily and frankly speaking until now I have met only 5% of people who are genuine and who are true. And somehow I have left all of them behind me and somehow I don’t know whether I can talk to them or not. There was a very good friend of mine whose girlfriend thinks I will steal him away from her. But the fact was that he and I were best of friends and could have never been anything more than that. Well I don’t want to come between boyfriend and girlfriend. And you won’t believe my stupid luck; another of my good friend was lost the same way. When he had to make a choice, I never asked him to choose me over her, but when that coward asked me to make the choice for him since he was too confused; I lost the trust I had in him. Had he made his own choice, perhaps I would have respected him still. Even they he has broken up with her, but I shall never forget the moment he backed out on me and rather was trying to put the blame on me. Then again there are my very good friends who are with me only when they need me, only when their other friends don’t have time for them, is the time they are reminded of me. Even I have done things like this in the past, but as I look ahead now, I don’t see any friends whom I can openly share things with. There has been such a time lapse between our lives, that somehow the familiarity is dead and gone. And even when I speak my mind, I don’t know how but they think of it as bizarre and weird.

Yes, I have changed a lot. Times have changed me and I too have changed myself. But then remains the same quotient of loneliness. I had received a message from a friend, which fits my situation well. It goes something like this: “The worst disadvantage of being strong is that… Nobody cares even when you are hurt.”

You know, from my very early days, I have tried to prove that I am the strongest, the mature one. But lately it has become such an inevitable part of my system that I cannot even dare to share my problems and worries with others, because I am supposed to handle everything well and be strong and tough. How sick I am of these two words, strong and tough!!!

I feel like stitching my mouth up. It’s so difficult to have a proper conversation with anyone these days. And with the social networking sites, it’s more like you are typing rather than speaking. My vocal chords are hardly made proper use of. At times I feel I am going crazy and mad. But then it is a feeling which has been coming in my mind from the day I was born. So it doesn’t matters anymore. What matters is I am still alive and as Zindagi naa miLegi dobara… I am trying my best to make use of the life I have now.

:)

Hope, faith, trust, loyalty, love, friendship… I want to be over all these feelings. Somehow I want to feel like what Sylvia Plath had written in the poem “Tulips”

“I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted
To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.
How free it is, you have no idea how free -
The peacefulness is so big it dazes you,
And it asks nothing, a name tag, a few trinkets.
It is what the dead close on, finally; I imagine them
Shutting their mouths on it, like a Communion tablet.”

If only…


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

My Prince Charming


It was really fun to go through my personal diary which I used to maintain few years back. To read my thoughts, to read about the days which are gone yet have somehow managed to stay in my memory, has made me smile, laugh and even cry a bit. However these few lines caught my attention. Written in the eve of 11th of April, 2009, I didn’t quite knew about the elaborate plans God had for me. And today looking back at the pages made me realize how well God has listened to each of my prayers and not just that He has send the answers as well. Love You Bhagwanji for everything You have done for me. It has been so great to realize that You are there with me no matter what happens. These lines here are a dedication to my love, Ron. I hope you enjoy the stupid lines I had written two years back.

I want someone who can look after me
Who will ask me to stay when it is time to leave.

I dream of a Prince Charming by my side
Who will see the sadness behind my smiles,
Who will patiently listen to me when I want to cry,
Who will be absolutely and purely divine.

Someone for whom my heart can shine.
Someone for whom I can create stupid rhymes.
Someone who doesn’t have to be a silly hero
Someone for whom my eyes can glow.

I want someone special in my life
Someone for whom I can also die.


Love you my dear. You are special indeed and I know that there can be no one like you ever in my life. I cherish each day, each moment spent with you. I cherish the smiles and the eyes which seem to make me blush every now and then. You are the one. I love you now and forever. :)


MuShKiL Ho ChuKa hAi...


DooRiyAn kO MiTanA MuShKiL Ho ChuKa hAi
Ab iNn AddATTon Ko MiTANa MusHKiL ho ChuKa hAi
TaNhA Tum Bhi Ho, TANhA KuCh HuM Bhi hAiN
PaR iSs gAm Ko ChuPanA MushKiL Ho ChuKa Hai.

KehteiN ToH BahUt KuCH hAi FIr Bhi
BiN kAhE SaMjh jAna MushKiL Ho ChuKa hAi.
uNN aanSuOn Ko ChuPANa AuR FiR MuKaD JaNa,
YuNHi haStE HaSTe GuM Ko BhuLANa MuSHKiL Ho ChuKa hAi...

RaAhEin EK NAi, Par EK Hi maAnZiL Ko paANa
YuN BiN HuMSaFAr Ke MusHKiL Ho ChuKa hAi.
Ab TOh tArAS GayE uSS EK sAAth K LiyE
JiS bIn MaRJaNa Bhi MushKiL Ho ChuKa hAi...


Missing you my dear... Love u my dear...
Love u Ron!!!
<3

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

My Last Letter

My dear Best Friend,
(handsome, re, fg)

This is the last letter I ever address to you. Well, I hope you are happy sailing around and will be busy with your work as usual. I also know this that as soon as you return your gf will tell you a hell lot of things. I just wish and pray everything is fine. Well the reason I write this letter is that your sweet gf, well actually she is sweet and loving and caring towards you, she had deleted me from your profile. It doesn't matters if I am no longer in her friend list, what actually bothers me is the fact that she deleted me from yours. I know I have already caused lot of troubles in your love life, but believe me I had no such intentions. And definitely she is your gf now and you must stick up to her. :)

Well I clearly remember you had said that she must never know what had passed between us, our past was gone and it should never be mentioned. And believe me my dear, I did exactly what you said. But unfortunately she had your password and she checked out all your chats. :) And she questioned me, things I denied and made her understand and believe me I had no intentions of coming between you guys. The day you had said that there is a girl who likes you a lot in your life, was the day actually when I had made my decision. I know the feeling of being loved and taken care for. But whatever maybe, it is long gone now and holds no importance in our lives.

I wanted to send this mail out to you today itself but I know she has the password and will do her best to remove me from your life. I too am someone's gf and I can understand her actions well. I'm here not to blame you or your gf or anyone. The fact remains that I am glad we crossed our paths and that we met. I cherish all our memories together, I even cherish the fact that Ron still feels a little jealous of you, but I am sure once he hears about this whole thing, he will be very happy. :)

That is what life is all about after all. It is all about keeping your loved ones happy. And I know you will do this well. Your brother, your sister-in-law, mother and father all love you a lot and so does she. So cherish and respect their love for you. As for our friendship, I had told you, it won't be the same once we both have our commitments towards our partners. :) But always remember, whenever you need a friend I am here for you, always.

I know you won't read this and on second thoughts, perhaps I will also not mail you. :) Just be happy in your life and I hope someday we may cross each others' path and that we may meet someday, a little more older and a lot more maturer. Best of luck with your career, love and life. My best wishes shall always be with you two, no matter what. :) By the way, a little secret I had initially planned to take a revenge on her, but then I thought it will only hurt you more, and I can't hurt my friend purposely. After all you were the reason of my smiles and happiness at one point of my life, and I love you and respect you for that.

Just be yourself, be the same sweet buddy I remember and shall always remember you as. I guess my letter is getting a bit longer, so I should end it here. Still a lot remains to be said and heard, but what can we do, our journey together ends here. Wish you the best of everything.

Your stupid, silly, crazy friend...
(beautiful)