If only...

It is really pathetic to see people go away so easily. I seriously can’t believe it is actually happening to people. First he and now she, two of my friends, we may not have been very good friends or that close to each other, but yes we were friends, committed suicide. It is really shocking and I don’t know why I am typing this down. Maybe since there is no one to talk to actually. And I can understand a bit of what they must have gone through.

The pressure of so many expectations, the pressure of your very own dreams, and the pressure of trying hard to achieve something, can drive the sanest of creatures insane. Can make people do things unthinkable of. Can make lives and can easily break them too. That is what has lead me thinking about things I never dared to even think about. It’s strange to see how strong my friends must have been to commit suicide, the purpose and the reason behind such an act must have been strong, very strong for the to take such a drastic step. And all I can do now is pray for them. But oh! How jealous I am of them now. Ufff!! And irritated too. I seriously have no words to describe the feeling I am having right now.

I wish I could talk to someone but then I can’t, even if I can, I know no one will be bothered to understand me. I know people can laugh at others easily and frankly speaking until now I have met only 5% of people who are genuine and who are true. And somehow I have left all of them behind me and somehow I don’t know whether I can talk to them or not. There was a very good friend of mine whose girlfriend thinks I will steal him away from her. But the fact was that he and I were best of friends and could have never been anything more than that. Well I don’t want to come between boyfriend and girlfriend. And you won’t believe my stupid luck; another of my good friend was lost the same way. When he had to make a choice, I never asked him to choose me over her, but when that coward asked me to make the choice for him since he was too confused; I lost the trust I had in him. Had he made his own choice, perhaps I would have respected him still. Even they he has broken up with her, but I shall never forget the moment he backed out on me and rather was trying to put the blame on me. Then again there are my very good friends who are with me only when they need me, only when their other friends don’t have time for them, is the time they are reminded of me. Even I have done things like this in the past, but as I look ahead now, I don’t see any friends whom I can openly share things with. There has been such a time lapse between our lives, that somehow the familiarity is dead and gone. And even when I speak my mind, I don’t know how but they think of it as bizarre and weird.

Yes, I have changed a lot. Times have changed me and I too have changed myself. But then remains the same quotient of loneliness. I had received a message from a friend, which fits my situation well. It goes something like this: “The worst disadvantage of being strong is that… Nobody cares even when you are hurt.”

You know, from my very early days, I have tried to prove that I am the strongest, the mature one. But lately it has become such an inevitable part of my system that I cannot even dare to share my problems and worries with others, because I am supposed to handle everything well and be strong and tough. How sick I am of these two words, strong and tough!!!

I feel like stitching my mouth up. It’s so difficult to have a proper conversation with anyone these days. And with the social networking sites, it’s more like you are typing rather than speaking. My vocal chords are hardly made proper use of. At times I feel I am going crazy and mad. But then it is a feeling which has been coming in my mind from the day I was born. So it doesn’t matters anymore. What matters is I am still alive and as Zindagi naa miLegi dobara… I am trying my best to make use of the life I have now.

:)

Hope, faith, trust, loyalty, love, friendship… I want to be over all these feelings. Somehow I want to feel like what Sylvia Plath had written in the poem “Tulips”

“I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted

To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.

How free it is, you have no idea how free -

The peacefulness is so big it dazes you,

And it asks nothing, a name tag, a few trinkets.

It is what the dead close on, finally; I imagine them

Shutting their mouths on it, like a Communion tablet.”

If only…