Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Somebody that I used to know...


Stupid and weird dreams I am having lately. I don’t really know what to do about them, or what exactly to make out of them, but nonetheless they are a part of my sub conscious mind, so I try to enjoy the dream as much as I can in the dream and yeah most importantly move on. Yesterday had this silly little dream where I saw so many known faces, faces I have liked, faces I admire, and all the faces were somewhat happy to see me. But only one face caught my attention, and how very filmy it was to watch the face while background score of “Pehli Mazar Mein” from RACE was playing. Like how stupid can my dreams actually be? It’s really funny to wake up and try to remember what I had dreamt about. But it is totally worth it. To realize that my stupid heart still cherishes certain memories and still hopes against hope that yes someday love will take over me and make all my stupid hopes come true.

At times I seriously wish I was in a movie. But then the drama which goes on in my life, that is no less than a typical bollywood movie.

Recently I have come across these people whom I think can actually understand me. And that is the best part of life. No matter what happens, how stupidly insane one might feel, you will always find the right kind of friends who will stand by you. And that is exactly my case. I have found friends I never thought would exist. Thank You Bhagwanji, You know You are the best.!!!

I am listening to so many songs these days, trying to seriously move on in life. Cannot always be the stupid old fool in love. I need to find my own way. Even though my cheese is moved from life, I am now ready to find some new cheese and make the most out of my life. Lets hope this time the cheese is worth it.

Till then some other time, needed to share a few bits and pieces of life here and there. Next will update when another stupid dream of mine shall bug me out of my sleep. 

Monday, April 9, 2012

Bound to Forget...!!!


It has been such a long time that I don’t feel his hug anymore; I seem to have forgotten his touch and the feel that he is around me. And I am shit scared to forget him. How can I when I know I still love him with all my heart and soul? How can I forget him when he was the only one who was so close? Why am I still so stupid to wait for someone I know will never ever even show me his face again?

I am behaving like a love lost puppy, but I know no better way to behave myself. Whoever tries to come close to me, I scare them away. But the fact is I am scared of hurting myself once again. But who is to understand what I am going through? Who is there to stand by my side when I feel weak and want to quit? He and only he has seen the real me, the real me who too can be scared of the dark, who too can be the perfectly smiling girl. I wish the days would be back but then I don’t wish to see him hurt once again. I wish a hell lot of things to come true but then at the end of the day I realize that wishes are all those things one misses in life. So it is fine. I am trying my best to fight against all odds and to come out strong once again.

Oh! How much I hate the word “strong”? I want to meet the person who thought of such a word and made a hell out of my life. It’s like everyone who meets me has to say the same shitty thing--- “be strong”. Bloody hell, it’s easier to say than to do. Had they been in my position I doubt they could have managed even one day out of their precious life. The worst part of life is that no one understands what I am going through. Everyone is ready to give their own opinions and advices, but what about me? What about that which still survives inside me? What about the stupid little hopeless hope that things will be alright? What about my voice, my thoughts and my opinions? Don’t they get a say in my life. This is the only reason why I hate talking too much with anyone, because I know very well no one will look the way I am looking. At best they will confuse me all the more with my life which I don’t want.

The worst part of all this is I have somehow forgotten myself. The crazy girl with crazy dreams, high ambitions in life, so many desires, somewhere she is lost and forgotten. And what I fear the most is losing her, I mean losing myself in this chaos. As long as I will breathe I will ensure that I don’t die. I will stay alive with all the best possible reasons in life. I don’t know what is in future, but no matter what I won’t give up on myself. No matter what others think about me, whether beautiful or not, slim or not, sweet or not, at the end of the day, I AM WHAT I AM AND WHAT I WAS MEANT TO BE… and nothing or no one can change that. All might be forgotten but not me… never ME…!!!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

I dream never to dream again...


It was around 2 days ago that I had a weird dream. Not that I don’t have weird dreams every now and then, but the weird part was I was happy in my dream. Oh! How much I wish my dream would come true, at least the part where I have someone who can take care of me, hug me and make me feel come alive once again.

I don’t know how but I do remember the details of this dream real well and that is what surprises me. Hardly has such dreams left a big impression in my memory but seems like it doesn’t wants to leave my mind. Or should I say I just can’t part with the very idea of it being a dream. It was so freaking real that I still can feel the hug and the smile spread over my face. Oh! What will I give up to get myself back, if ever.

So after all the hype about my weird dream, let me go ahead and narrate it, as simply as possible. Because after a point it becomes scandalous and even in that scandal I remember each breathe, every move and every step I took. Strange, really strange!

First of all, I dreamt about me and this guy we are together as a happy couple. As for this guy let’s call him Illusion, because at one point of time I could have sworn my life and love for him but he hurt me bad, hurt me a lot and I just can’t forget the pain he caused me. I try my best not to be so rude to him but I just can’t help it. I end up being so irritated towards him that we mostly end a conversation with silence. So now the narration of my weird dream continues… details shall be revealed later on.

It was a casual evening. I was lying on the bed watching TV and flipping between channels trying to find something sensible as well as watch able. And as I try my best to flip between channels, this hand comes from behind me and hugs me tightly and I can hear someone say in my ears, “You know I would never let you go”.

Well yes, mostly in my dreams I see people conversing in English; even I tend to think in English these days. So don’t mind the dialogues thinking that it will sound so cheesy in Hindi, but actually whatever was in Hindi will be duly translated in Hindi and will be credited as well.

I am surprised to hear the voice, because somehow I don’t recognize it, yet it sounds familiar. I can feel the touch and the warmth of the arms around me, I feel secure and protected, yet I don’t know who is hugging me. So finally I turn around and I find Illusion there. To my utter surprise he is smiling and looking so happy and moreover he is saying that he loves me. Well, yes of course I did imagine a time that he would confess his love to me, but that never ever happened and this shouldn’t have been happening either. But I can see him clearly, listen to what he is saying, and feel his emotions and that bright smile which even I seem to share with him. And in a very filmy way he says, “aisi hi hasti raha kar, tujhe haste dekh bahut sukun milta hai”. English translation; keep smiling like this always, seeing you smile gives me peace of mind. As in coming from him seems so surprising and so shocking that in the dream I think that I am dreaming and that he must be joking, when he kisses me slightly on my forehead. And I felt that he has kissed me a million times. It didn’t feel weird or something new to me. And that is what was more dangerous for me.

Later mom called us out of the room, then he gave a sweet smile and let go off me so that I could go out and help mom with something. The next I see is that my niece is not going off to sleep and I have been given the responsibility to make her fall asleep. I try to make her fall asleep when someone comes and hugs me tightly from behind. And you won’t believe it was Illusion again. And to this hug I reply, “tumhe pata hai naa abhi tak tumhare weight k addat nahi hui hai mujhe, thoda aaram se hug kia karo”. English translation: You know that I am still not used to your weight (not that he was fat or anything, just that suddenly when weight falls on you, you feel weird), so please hug me a little slowly and not so tightly. And he sweetly smiled and said, “bahut jald aadat padd jayegi…” English translation: Soon you will get used to it. And guess what I do next, I hug him back more tightly and this time I say, “You know, I will never ever let you go”. And I am editing the scandalous bit, stating only that we ended up kissing very very passionately.

This dream of hardly 5-6 minutes made me scream out of my bed. Yes, you read it right, I did scream. It is all I can think of for the past couple of days. And why the scream? Well as it is evident, emotionally at this point I am not in a very good state, and this dream reminded me of everything I ever dreamt of with Ron (somehow I just call him my ex because he is very much a part of me). I shared my dream with a friend and she said this is only because right now I am looking for someone who can look after me and since no one is able to fill the void in me; my subconscious is treating me to such fantasies.

Well I feel so too now. But somehow I was happy and smiling in my dream. And it was the genuine smile which is missing in me for such a long time. Oh! How much I want myself to be back to me. I want to be the real me, the happy me. But there is nothing good happening around me to make me happy. I am faking every smile, and now it seems even my breathing has become fake. Every night and day I cry. I fail to share my insecurities. I have never done that ever in my life and the one person I shared my life with; we just can’t share our future together. I am having such weird thoughts lately. Feel like running away from everything and everyone. Today itself I thought why not register on a matrimony website, and get married and get away from everything in life. I don’t want to stay in India anymore. I don’t want to be around my friends and family anymore. I want to be invisible in the crowd, don’t want to be recognized for a change. Don’t want to be loved or missed for a change. I just want to run away. And it’s been enough; I seriously can’t take it anymore. Soon I will give in and I will go away forever. I don’t have the strength in me to take this loneliness, to be practical and to move on. No one will realize what Ron meant to me and still means to me. I pray and wish he gets the best of the best and is happy forever. But for myself I want a deep sleep, yes a sleep without any stupid or weird dreams, a sleep where my whole body goes numb, I close my eyes and the only time I open them is to find myself in my own paradise, away from everything and everyone.

I have become so negative and yet I can’t help myself anymore. I just want to run away. And there is no one who can help me out. I want to sleep now; hopefully I can rest my head. And hopefully I never ever come back…