The revelations of a stupidly proud and egotistical girlfriend…

The life of illusion and the romantic notions which are fed to our minds right from the very beginning of our lives, it just makes us all the more hopeless and stupid. Based on my own personal experiences have I decided to finally reveal the revelations, some of which I realized myself and some of which was made to dawn on me. Here I am today accepting all what I have done and the only regret I will have for the rest of my life is that I was stupid enough to believe the notions others had created to distract us and to keep us away from the painful truth of reality.

As a happy-go-lucky child, I was really never bothered about how others perceived of me. Changing schools and being alone in a crowd was something I was already getting used to. Everyone knew I was friendly but no one knew that even I needed friends to be myself. As I grew up, watching hopelessly stupid and romantic movies, I thought I too will have a prince charming in my life. Perhaps not as perfect as the ones who are shown in the movies, but someone who would know me inside out and love me all the same. When I joined this school, all such notions came to an end, because I hated boys by now. They always thought of me as a guy amongst them, even when I would never talk with them, and would be always intimidated by my strength. It also gave me pleasure in so many ways to see that none of the guys could ever stand up to me.

When I entered college I realized that love was an eternal part of many living beings. I too wished to be loved by now but as expected I was never the right person for love. But somewhere deep inside my heart and my mind I truly believed that someday I too will find love because after all I am made of love, and I too will be loved and cared for. It was in college that one of my very good guy friends told me that I am a marriage material and not exactly a girlfriend type. Back then I really didn’t understand whether to take it as a compliment or to be irritated by it. But whatever it was, I was fine. I always thought that the guy who will have the guts to propose me will actually make me not just his girlfriend but also his wife. My pride was too big to see anything else otherwise. So many people told me on my face that I was ugly, but my ego kept on believing that someday I will be the prettiest of all girls for someone special. No matter how many times people teased me about being so tom boyish, I always knew and truly believed that with my prince charming I will be the epitome of womanhood and not just this, I will be his perfect girlfriend, his best friend and his lover. Little had I realized back then how hollow my thought process and my opinions were for my own self? I should have listened to all what others had to say about me. I was a girl everyone can be scared of, a girl who is strong enough to be by herself and is never meant to be loved or taken care of.

Most of the times guys don’t realize that even girls need to be taken care after. It is not always the girl whose responsibility is to look after everyone at home, but the guy’s responsibility as well. But then back to where I was. After college, life was very dull and boring and actually depressing for me. I was disconnected with everything around me, trying to find a place for myself, figuring out what I should be doing.

During this phase I met him, he became my best friend. The first person I opened up to and discussed the most secret of my fears. I am frankly not the kind of person who would love to talk about her own self all day and night long. But yes at times I too need someone who could hear me out. And my pride made me believe that yes there too will be someone who will be able to fulfill this desire of mine. After becoming friends, we got to know each other so very well that by now I had told almost everything about my life. I also tried to probe into his life, but he didn’t open up instantly, he took his own sweet time to discuss matters with me, and I respected that. I was in love and you know what, I still am hopelessly in love with him.

Technically we have spent only 6 days together. And I seriously can live 6 lifetimes for those 6 days. But then I got to know of some things I had never ever realized before. Up till a few days ago I considered myself to be a good girl friend. In fact he always agreed to it, that he could never find someone like me ever in my life. And now I know that it was never out of love that he used to say so, but rather it was the truth which he felt, only I was stupid enough to believe all that.

Today I realize that actually I am not worth being someone’s girlfriend, let alone someone’s life partner. There have been guys who have told me time and again that I am scary and you know what when you hear something spoken to you again and again, you actually start believing it. Well fine, I accept today that I am scary. And I also accept it is far better to be alone and lonely than to have someone who lies to your face. When I was in a relationship, I hardly had any friends left around me. Even on my birthday, there hardly was anyone who was interested in wishing me. But then you blamed me that I pushed you away from your friends. I guess you are right; I never gave you, your personal space. I forced you into meeting my friends, my family; I forced you in committing with me. I am such a bitch. I feel so cheated right now. But don’t worry; I won’t blame you or anyone else for that matter. I solely am responsible for this current situation. Had I not forced my life upon you, this would have never happened. I am sure you too are glad that it has come to an end. Frankly I never had to intention to interfere in your or anyone else’s life. All I ever tried to do was love you the way I knew you should be loved. And today I feel that all my endeavors were a waste, because you never really understood me and were looking for every stupid reason to break up with me.

Oh how much I wish I could speak my mind out completely. But my stupid pride and ego still stands in the way. I am no longer a girlfriend but yes I am still stupid, proud and full of ego.

These lines from Katy Perry’s song :

“In another life

I would be your girl

We'd keep all our promises

Be us against the world

In another life

I would make you stay

So I don't have to say

You were the one that got away

The one that got away.”

Well I thought of these lines again and again, and all I could think of was you and me. But from today onwards I will pray that we are never together again. I don’t want to come between you and your friends. And no matter how much your friends embaras me and make me feel uncomfortable, I shall never be a reason for your embarrassment in front of your friends. You are free to live your life your way. Your family, your friends, your thoughts, your opinions, is all you should be bothered about. Rest is none of your concern. And also from today I have decided that I will not even call you. I don’t need even a friend in my life. I have done great being alone and I will do great being alone always. I don’t need anyone anymore in my life. Thanks for all you have ever done for me. I don’t regret a single second spent with you, but yes I do regret the fact that even though you told me I was your best friend, you were never honest with me. You never ever gave me the chance to be your best friend. And I like a stupid told you everything about me and my life. I thought finally I had found someone who could listen to me. But I never thought that while listening to me, you yourself will stop speaking your mind. Today I am glad it is over, or else I would have been responsible for ruining your life and taking you away from your friends and family.

Once again I don’t regret the time we spent together, I just regret the fact that I was never worth being your best friend. Thanks for your time, your love, your patient hearing, your patience and everything else. But yes thanks for making me realize that I actually am a stupidly proud and egotistical girlfriend, someone who can never ever be anyone’s love or even a friend for that matter.

Thanks…!!!

My Stupid Crush...

A stupid guy I have a crush on

Who appears to be an absolute moron.

No offence meant to his intelligence

But then he does lack common sense.

His hair is always untidy

And he talks so very rudely.

His smile, so very irritating

And the way he speaks is so demeaning.

He thinks he is a super stud

But someone should tell him, he is a dud

I see his face in every damn Bollywood movie

What is so very wrong with me???

Here I am judging his every move

And then I see myself falling in love???

Out of question is the very context

How could I fall for such a pretext?

By the end of this short tragedy

I will surely get over him. :P

But then he shall be remembered

As my stupid crush in my memory.

Thank you for the distraction you provided

I wish it was not this much misguided.

Now is my turn to look around myself

And find a sweet target to mock him as well.

All I need is a hug...

Little had I known

That I would be this alone

To not even being able

To walk a stone…

Dad had promised me no heart breaks.

He made me smile when I was awake

We made a secret pact that we shall be

Always the best of buddies…

But then a huge time gap came

We were together yet we became

The strangers who would talk less

And often smile at each other.

But oh Dad, how badly do I miss those days

When you would come to me

And hug me always.

There were those stupid evenings

When I would rush out on hearing

You arrive. Hug you tightly

And proudly say, you are all mine.

Now you hugged me only when

You knew I had a heart break

And stood by me

When everyone else just stared.

He came like a wind

He left like a storm

He made me unwind

Myself and made me strong.

The best part, dad, you accepted him

Without a question or two,

And I knew everything was so true.

Yet it has come to this

You, who made me realize the true essence

Of being hugged, left me in the mist.

And today I woke up realizing late

That I could never hug like that again.

Now I wish I could hug myself

Because it’s a gesture of

Being loved and being cared.

I could hug dad again

I could hug everyone today

Yet little will anyone of them know

How badly I need a hug this day.

Strong arms around me

Unspoken promise of eternity

Secure and protected from the

Rest of the mean world.

Oh! How much I can give

For a hug like that.

And so I jump off my bed

Rush to the bedroom

And hug my family,

The greatest gift of my life.

I hug my grandma, insomniac she is.

I hug my dogs, lovely babies.

I will hug everyone who comes around

Love this day and spread love always.

BirThDay BuMpS...!!!

So here I am once again rambling about a life whose existence doesn’t really matter much. Anyways it matters to me, and that is what is most important right now for me. So it was my birthday yesterday. And you know how much I love and hate my birthdays. But yeah had done my shopping and my bit of excitement for my birthday.

At office I was warned things will never be the way I would want them to be. So I was kind of prepared and yet so not prepared. A whole cake all over my face. Just imagine, poor me. Thank God, no one clicked pictures. Anyways it was fun also. And the best part, I got chocolate from someone I had not expected to get, yet I did. And to add to it, he bought my favorite chocolate. Thanks buddy… it was a very very pleasant surprise… then my AMO also got me a chocolate, yippee…!!! I was feeling like a kid who’s up for some surprise. And also, this new hate-love-hate crush also wished me. And I realized the only reason I have had a crush on him, is because of his sweet childish face, nothing else to recommend as of yet. So the crush is gone by now, cause you know me so well, my crushes don’t last for long. And this crush also made me realize that I am done with the height phenomenon. Remember Nature Boy back in college. I used to adore his height, oh… how much fun have I had on his expense. But my hate-love-hate crush also has a great height, but the magic never happened and good for me. Even though I accept I need distraction in life, I don’t want it from someone I have to see every day. Taylor Lautner is the best option I can opt for. There are a bunch of options in office itself which seems interesting, but as I always say, things look much better from far away and that is so very freaking true.

Back at home, I was planning for a quite dinner for a long long time indeed. And you know what dad met with an accident. I was so freaking irritated with my own self. Why did it ever happen? I was so angry on God, but then I realized that God gave me the best gift of all. All this while I was looking for a man on whom I can rely upon, who could be there to protect me and take care for me, and I just didn’t realize that one man is my dad and no one, never ever can understand me better than him. And God saved him for me, what else can I ask for. Dad you are and you will always be the best man I have ever known in my life and you know what I love you the most. All my thanks and gratitude to my Almighty, who listens to me every day crib and cry and yet takes care of me and my Guardian Angels.

And you can expect my mood to go haywire but thankfully a very old friend called me up and I felt so much at ease. After talking to him I came back to my senses and celebrated my dad’s recovery with my birthday. There was no birthday cake, but there were lots of colorful balloons, and the people I love the most in my life. Had a good spread of food and my strong dad peacefully snoring away in his sleep. That is what is more important to me than any birthday party I could have celebrated ever.

And while the weekend is here, I know dad would want me to be happy and celebrate it. Because he was more happy than I was today. Love you dad. Always…

Life... through me...!!!

Life is becoming complicated by the day. I wonder what exactly I am still doing here. Yet somehow I drag on and I try my best to keep my head held high. But these days I feel so restless and irritated with myself that I can give no logical explanation for it. Seems like logic has lost its importance in my life. I remember being the confident girl who had every eye on her, criticizing her, taunting her, embarrassing her, yet she was strong enough to bear it all. But now I think that girl is lost somewhere. No matter how much I try to put the mask up, someway or the other I keep on losing out on it.

Some days back we had actually had a conversation while fighting. A lot of things which were unsaid finally came out of their wraps. And I was, for a change relieved because those things had eaten up my mind for such a long time. Seems like mom and dad too had forgotten about them, but no one knew how badly I was shaken and affected when actually I had to go through all of it. But as some poet had said, I can’t remember who, our best songs are of our saddest emotions. And I so clearly remember one of my compositions, I AM UGLY. Well it might not be a very fantastic piece of work, but for me it says the best of my emotions. And I love myself inside out and every part of me is vital to me. Only I am aware of things which I have experienced and no words can actually express it. But I try hard to express myself because I know keeping things inside me is not the best way to live through life. And the position I am right now in, it feels so frustrating to see how well I could have dealt with it, and how helpless I feel right now.

I remember always being the friendly one, the chirpy one, as many would describe, happy go lucky girl. But then there has always been a part of me which was hidden from the rest. No matter how much my expressions give away my feelings, what truly lies beneath me, stays underneath forever. And yes I did made a mistake of sharing my deepest thoughts with this someone special, with whom I thought things would turn out to be the best. But look at my over confidence and my ego, I never ever can accept that the fault lies in me. I never tried to stop it from happening. No matter how much I was scared about the future, I now know that I should expect nothing of it. From where I stand today it seems like there is no hope at all. My sleepless nights are driving me crazy. My crazy dreams are making me irritated and scared all the more. The smile I wear on my face everyday is starting to wear off. I seriously have no idea how I will deal with things anymore.

Yesterday while returning from my bro’s place, I was as always cribbing about my life. Well frankly I have no idea what I am really up to and what I am trying to do with my life. As clueless as ever, I feel like walking towards something I have neither idea about nor even the intention to walk any further. But something keeps me from giving up and yet I keep on walking. It is actually senseless of me to expect anything out of my life at all. The days I have gone through, only I know how I have survived through them. The pains stabs like a death wound. Anyways so as I was saying, dad told me that my life has only begun and that I need not worry about things because somehow or the other they will work out for the best. But how should I tell him or make him understand that things are quite different that what he perceives it to be. I know he has seen life in a much better way than I have, yet I have lost hope. And the positive me is just lost somewhere these days.

None the less I am here writing out everything. Well for a change I decided to keep my blog updated. It’s been such a long time that I have been writing for and I want to continue to do so. Writing is something which makes me feel happy and satisfied about myself and my life. It’s an absolute pleasure to see and perceive things and then to decorate them with the few words I have in my vocabulary. I know I am no award winning writer or something, but someday I hope that I will be known for my writings. After all they are an eternal part of me and who I am.

I need a distraction badly. And I know not where I will find such a distraction. Well things are very much different now. You know what I had this weird dream about this guy, one amongst the many; I have a stupid crush on. Actually it is not a crush; it’s just a liking from the far. Well anyways as I was saying, in this weird dream of mine, he came up to me and hugged me so tightly. In fact I want a hug pretty badly these days and there is absolutely no one to understand that need of mine nor am I able to make anyone understand about it. And also weirdly enough I was crying and the moment I felt the hugged, I was enveloped in these warm arms which seemed to protect me from the outside world. I felt safe and secure in those arms. I don’t really know what my dream was trying to tell me, but one thing is for sure, my dream made it pretty clear to me that am virtually depressed from the inside. The people around me fail to see it nor have I the intentions of making it clear to anyone of them.

Hey in office, I have met a few very good people and I have really happy to interact with them each day. The stupid jokes we crack and when we pull each other’s leg. It is all too much funny. I wish each of them great lives to come.

More on my stupid little useless and hopeless life later. Take care till then…

Random ramblings....!!!

Somehow life is getting a little more difficult for me to live. I am so absolutely clueless about things around me. And the worst part I absolutely have no control over anything at all. Trying my best to keep my good spirits up, I fail to understand that there are powers much greater than me at work. Not only metaphorically but it’s a reality. And frankly I am out of words today and am even more confused about my feelings right at this moment, or how I should be feeling right now.

By the way have stopped reading for some weird reason. But I am sure to resume my small adventure back real soon, because I badly need the distraction again soon. Taylor has been a blessing for me indeed. That guy has no clue, but he has been such a big help and support for me all this while. Bless you Taylor Lautner. And also I think I must confess, that keeping up the pretense of liking Lautner, has made me actually like him now. So after the super duper roller coaster crush and love and loss of Hugh Jackman, my hopes have revived in the form of Taylor Lautner. How ironical it is indeed. In both the scenarios, I am well aware that I am an over-reacher and yet I have so very many hopes of these rendezvous’ of mine. Nonetheless I must admit that both Hugh and Taylor have been a great source of support, inspiration, admiration and most of all distraction for me. And no matter what I shall always remember you guys for this.

Well something happened lately of which I don’t know much of comment or say about. But I absolutely hate it when people have to suffer because of me. I am not aware of how things will be in the future, nor have I the desire to hopelessly predict it, I just want everyone to be happy around me and also I don’t want to cause trouble for everyone. And believe me when I say everyone, I mean everyone.

I did my advance birthday shopping, and I haven’t ever spent so very much on shopping. :P and now me thinking why did I had to spend so much. I will have to keep a track of my spending. I don’t want to end up spending more than what I earn.

Also I met a lot of good people indeed. And believe me when I say this, we go crazy together… and it is like actual crazy, talking about everything crappy possible on earth and yet each one of us has the ability to laugh with others as well as to laugh at ourselves. Well I hope both of these creatures I am talking about have a great future and a super awesome life to look forward to.

As already known I am in a very weird phase of a break-up where I and Ron still are unable to keep away from each other and end up talking over the phone and sharing stuff. I am also going through this weird crush phase, where I am having random crushes on these guys around me. Well to be exact the count now is… 7. And stupid I am thinking now it is not enough. Back in college days we used to have such random crushes which would crash every other minute or two. Anyways this reminds me about those crazy days when I had a Nature Boy in my life… :P Those days were fun. Wow! How much I wish I was back in school or college, not university of course. :D

I heard Prof.CG lef t CU. Well I wish the man best of everything and I will miss him for his absolutely outstanding classes for Christabel. I remember being apprehensive at the beginning of the year, when I came to know that one of my favorite poets, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, was to be taught by anyone else except Prof.BD. Oh! How can I forget those classes of Kubla Khan, when I would literally hang on the words spoken by my very own Greek God? He was flawless and just perfect. Prof. BD had created such a high level of expectations within me that I found it hard to believe that anyone has the capability to reach that level. But it was Prof. CG who proved me so very wrong. Those days of Christabel shall always be in my mind. Thanks to both of my professors. I am seriously going to miss some great days and moments of my life.

I just realized that I have written quite a lot. Hopefully will be able to update certain cool things or maybe a poem or two soon. Just waiting for the right kind of inspiration. By the way my last poem about the Angel Face was written when I went to visit the Doctor for Mom. :P Anyways more updates later… got to go now.!!!