It has been so long that I have stared and admired you from far. It has been so long that now I wonder that I even exist for you. It is great to just see you around and that I actually smile to myself... that is kind of being childish but yet feels great. Feels good. You have been admired and adored by so many that my existence would not matter. But when you poke back and whenever you look at me and smile or even a Hi, that is something I cannot describe in words. Some things are better left unsaid but somehow I want to reach out but I am shit scared. I can't even speak properly with you around, how else do you expect me to behave?
Well cheers to me for being courageous enough to stand up for myself and speak a bit of my mind. Cheers to you for the happiness you have given me even though you don't even know about it. But that is the beauty of it. Some day I will look back at these stupid childish days of mine and will still get to smile. Thanks for everything...!!!
Another year of me, my life, and its hopeless treats
Another year of expectations to fulfill.
Another year to disappoint, I know I will.
A year filled of warm greetings so fake
Another year to give and it is for them to take.
Another damn year of my life is gone
And here I am, contemplating about it alone
Another year of wishes, of happiness which fade
Another year to cry, to remember what is dead.
Another year I think I have to survive
Oh! How I wish I just could have died.
No more of the years can I let go by
No more of it is in me that I can afford to rise
Another year of poor me to survive
Oh! And I remember, a year closer to my last ride.
Written a day after my birthday (11th of Feb), I am always filled with sad
and pensive thoughts. Not to discourage someone or something, but unfortunately
it is a part of me which I cannot do away with. And many a times this part of
me is the strength in me to face all the things people fear to face alone.
Just imagine, one whole month without me blogging about anything. How very lazy of me? Anyways not much to share about. Just that I got myself a cell phone and a laptop and also have this big plans of getting myself a watch. Believe me the watch is made for me and no doubts about that.
Oh by the way, I would be fasting now. And I guess I am losing weight which is obviously a good thing. And you know out of utter disgust and anger I cut my hair and I regret that every damn day because now my hair looks pathetic and believe me more than my hair, I am in a bigger mess and I don't know how to get out of it. But somehow I am managing to survive it every day.
The worst part I noticed about myself recently is that I am avoiding talking to myself. Even when I am all alone and you know spending time with myself, I am so not talking with myself. I don't know what to do with myself and my stupid thoughts. At times I believe there will be this stupid magic wand which will turn my life around and will bring all the happiness in the world for me. But the very next moment I realize my life is not a stupid Bollywood movie which will have a happy ending. I know things are going to get messier. Just that I am avoiding confrontation right now. I don't know how I am struck in a Bella-kind of situation. At least she was clear about Edward, but it seems like my love for Jacob is proving to be very strong. Oh how I wish Taylor Lautner was all mine and that I get married to him.
Silly of me to even think of such things in such an age. When I should be all mature and wise, I am cooking up these silly plans in my mind. Well the fact remains, all my life all I have been is mature and wise, listening to others, doing things which others like, which is for the others, and being someone I never was. But that doesn't cause sadness, it just shows how easily I can do things for others and be what others want me to be. I always believed there would be someone who would realize what I want for a change and take care of me for a change. But all I ever do is take care of others. I will have to, if I don't want to lose them.
Anyways enough of nonsense. I will have to sit and write sometime real soon. Till then adios amigos....!!!
So here I am once again speaking after ages about I, me and
myself. Well life is so damn funny, you can never predict what is going to be
the next situation life is going to throw at you and all you can do is catch it
and sustain it and survive it. Anyways philosophy can be left for other days. Here
to share a few things which have been in my mind for quite sometime now.
One is already married and the other one is on the verge of getting
married. It seems like I am the only one who is left to dwell on her own. Well it
wasn’t like I was so very dependent on them that I will not be able to survive
on my own but just that without them I don’t know who else to fall back on. People
say when you are in a relationship, friends drift away. I have been in a
relationship for quite sometime now and have tried my best to keep a balance
between my love and my friends. And luckily enough all of my friends have a
liking towards my love and prove the very fact that love and friends can
survive together. A good combination indeed, as some would like to describe,
best of both worlds. But at times you actually will need a friend to share
everything with and I am right now missing that the most. Friends have always
been an essential part of my being and without friends I kind of feel
incomplete. It is true that I go and retrieve to my shell whenever I don’t have
my friends around but there are times when I want to be heard and understood
and not always be misunderstood. With both my pillars gone, it is kind of tough
for me. And frankly speaking no one, and mark me on this, absolutely no one can
take the position of my dearos. I will love you guys and cherish every moment
spent till the end of life. And I wish you both the best of health, love and
Then comes this very dear friend of mine, who, I came to
know about today only, deleted me from her facebook friend list. Now I know
facebook is not the end of the world or anything. But it is like, she has every
other person, people she doesn’t even talk to, in her friend list and choose to
delete me. Well I agree I have never been too good a friend for her, but what
about the days when I stood up for her, when I fought for her and tried to do
things the way she would like it and that she would be happy. Well it is not
like I am asking her to give the love I gave her in return of my friendship. I am
just kind of hurt and disappointed because I thought we are above all of that. But
now it seems like I am not even her friend anymore so why should I mourn and
cry, why should I feel hurt when in the true sense of the term, I had never
ever been her friend. Well to put it in a better way I treated her like a
friend to me, tried to help her in the best of her interests, stood by her
whenever she needed a friend and now it has come to this. Anyways it is gone
and all the memories which I was so very fond of, will now seem like regret. If
only I could know what I had done to deserve such a cold shoulder. And a funny
observation, whenever I write a poem about someone, that someone is bound to
leave me and not just leave me, hurt me, push me, bruise me, scratch me, and
then leave. I guess I should just stop everything; frankly speaking I should
just stop living. Is that even possible? Please Bhagwanji for once prove me
right and do the possible for me. And believe me that would be the end of me,
as you know it.
Anyways I am way too
hurt, disappointed and sad today to even think things right. I so wish I was
the kid who is lost now. Why life had to be so very tough? If only….