For quite some time now I had wanted to write something but I don’t exactly know why but I stopped myself every time. Maybe because I didn’t want to hurt myself anymore. But today I want to speak; I want myself to hear me out. I don’t want to avoid this feeling; I just want to speak up.
When we love someone or when we assume that we love someone, what can be our limits of that love or likeness? Well this is no distance and time question that we can measure it but I am sure there must be some boundaries, some limits where we should know that it is time for us to stop. I don’t seriously know what I am made of because I seem to love and like a hell lot of things and people around me and believe it or not I end up doing so much that I don’t even realize that I should have stopped. I give people the opportunity to take me for granted because by then they know that no matter what this stupid silly girl will be with them.
I don’t know but why I always get hurt. Am I supposed to be selfish when it comes to loving someone or liking a person? Strangely enough I never followed any such rules in life and I got hit, bad and that too every time. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I just go to office work, think of my stats, come back home and worry about my family and that is all I have left for me.
I don’t exactly know whether there will be an end to this trend I follow since the day I gained consciousness. But I got to be stronger and smarter now. It shouldn’t be the mantra of my entire life. Because then I would absolutely go bonkers. Wow… The word “bonkers” used it after a long time and believe it bought a smile, it sounds silly yet so me. I am bonkers most of the times but I want a happy ending for a change. I cannot always hide from what I feel inside. I feel like that character in ‘(by Danielle Steele) who dies, she is a writer, not the protagonist, but the late wife of the male lead whom he knows and yet he accepts that there was a part of her he could never reach out to, a part she kept to herself no matter how much she loved him, she hid that part away from him. Was it her dark side or was it a part of her who believed in loving others and did mistakes one after the other? Was it a part of her she was ashamed of because she was vulnerable or was she too proud to show that part which once fell?
Well frankly speaking I have to read the book again but somehow I feel that there can be no one person who will know and understand the complete me. This doesn’t mean I am some alien, I just am different. Hopefully someone someday will realize it and maybe things will be a lot different then.
#Hopeful #Thank #You #Bhagwanji #for #everything