Tuesday, May 10, 2016

NPSSBS

So here are the 3 years of my Junior High (8,9 and 10). I changed schools, obviously I had to. I was forced to. I remember hating the very thought of having the leave the known classes, the known teachers, the known faces and having to adapt to a new environment, but I realize now it was for my very own good.

On the recommendation of my Mom's friend, Mom made me join this school in Class 8 itself. Oh, how much I hated being a part of the new place.The uniform color was weird. It was a Co-Ed School, I have always been Co-ed School, so boys was no big deal. The problem here was that no one knew me. I had to make friends on my own. And the very first week, I had no one talking to besides the Teachers and my Classmate - Ritu. Later came Payel and Moumita. But I remember clearly it being Ritu.

However the reason for me remembering the school is nothing much, then the freedom I had to travel up and down in Public Bus while I was in Class 9 and 10. According to Dad, it was one direct bus and it was time for me to become street smart. So me, along with one of my friend, Priyanka, each day after school, we used to walk back to the bus stop and wait for the bus. Some days she would get a bus before me and other days I would get a bus before her. It was right here in the bus stop another school bus would also come and there was this guy, I am quite sure he was my Senior, who used to stare at us. For obvious reasons, I knew he was staring at Priyanka. She was not only fair and tall, but was beautiful and had these amazingly big and appealing eyes. And me on the other hand, tall, with short hair, an absolute tomboy. So the first couple of times, I thought he was obviously eyeing Priyanka, I hardly ever paid attention. Until the day I saw him board the same public bus as me. I don't know when or how he got to know, but he would always board the same bus as me.

Well travelling back home for me was exciting task as I would end up meeting one of my neighbors and they would inevitably pay for my bus tickets and I would end up saving my pocket money. But I started looking out for this guy too. He was taller than me, he was fair and had an athletic built. However I reckon he ever played sports, he looked more of a nerd than of a sportsperson. And above all, his smile was so very cute and he got dimples every time he would smile at me. I know had it been any other girl, I am sure she would have proposed to him. But as it was me, poor guy must have suffered a lot.

During those days, I hated boys. I just could not stand the boys in my class and I was in general of the opinion that all guys are stupid and hence should be avoided. But I would look forward to the time when I would board the bus for my specs guy. See, there I begin the unprecedented attraction I have for guys in specs (later it was obviously Chasmish from HSBC).

I clearly remember this one time, when 2 buses were trying to overtake each other and I out of my laziness avoided boarding either of the buses. I waited almost 10-15 minutes to board another bus. And to my surprise, he too waited and he boarded the same exact bus as me. I was shocked, but he just smiled. Oh! how stupid of me never ever to speak to him. And coincidentally we sat together. But all I could do was look outside the window and he kept staring at me. Now I realize how very stupid I had been as a child. Not exactly stupid, but innocent. At that point, I was very virtuous and also naive, and for me I believed in love, but it should be love till the end, no time pass for me. He could have been my first boyfriend, but I had to wait till University to get my heart broken. By then I would have been a pro or who knows, if he was the one guy I would have got married to.

Nonetheless, I seem to have deviated to the wonderland again. Back to reality. Our bus rides went on for almost a year. I told you he was a senior and I am sure once he finished his High School, he moved on. And I never got to see him again. But I did miss him. I would never admit it to my friend, Priyanka, my only friend who knew about him. But I did miss him. And I miss him still. Somehow I miss a person looking out for me. I miss the person who ensures I am safe. I miss the smile which lightens up my mood and brightens up my day. A face of a stranger who appears to be like my very own. Who knows, he may have been my soulmate. The one year, us travelling together, not so many coincidences could have been possible. But I missed my chance.

I know I am all strong and so very independent, that I intimidate people and especially the guys around me. But I am yet to find a guy who can look me in the eye and know who I really am. The people I relied on, the people I thought would be a friend for life, those were the ones to show their back and run off at the first instance. So my search continues, soulmate or no soulmate, a life partner awaits for me. And I hope the poor guy has enough warning before he gets to be by my side.

Thank You Bhagwanji for showing such amazing days. And I am Sorry for not being able to realize about them earlier. I am grateful to You for everything. Keep Smiling and Keep Loving Me (I know You always do). Love You!

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Football...

Weird are the ways of Bhagwanji. Last night I cried myself to sleep, only to be waken up by the ringtone of my phone. It was my friend, asking me about what I have been up-to. Initially I thought it is an official call and she wanted help from me, but I realized she is out and wants me to join her. I was deep in sleep, at least now I am able to sleep. And believe me last night, when I was writing the blog, I did think of her and was just contemplating on how people are. To her all I have ever been is nice and have always been by her side. But for me, she has never been. Even when I shared the news of my break up, she was normal and never bothered to even ask me again if I am doing alright. I remember when I lost my wallet in Bangalore, then also she was not there by my side. So I had accepted the fact, that I am just a colleague for her, not even a friend.

But today she called me and asked me to join her in the football field. My first instinct was to say no. But then I remember reading this piece on life, where we should do couple of things and have no regrets later. So I accepted the invitation. Well I have been in Bangalore for over an year now, but they only bothered to call me now. I know now why. Because I now single and I have none by my side. I am actually surprised how people think.

Well to be honest, I know for sure when I was in a relationship, I would hardly ever be invited out was because others wanted what I had and they never wanted me to be a part of their miserable single life (to be frank, the miserable does not apply to all). I was never invited out and I knew the reason why. But today surprisingly they called.

So I went, and she was there cheering and supporting her bestie. This reminded me of my college days. watching Nature Boy play in the football field.

Nonetheless I met the guys. Sat there, laughed at the stupid and the silliest jokes possible. And now I am back home.

I know not how to react to all this. I know I should not be expecting anything from anyone. When Ruchi mentioned how she and her friends tried to cheer this friend of hers who had broken up. I missed having friends around me. Maybe something is indeed wrong with me that I could never be a friend for anyone.

But Bhagwanji has been nice to me, so no complaints. He knows, I only complain to Him. And I am sure by now, He is only so very used to it. After all He has been the only true witness of my entire life story. Bhagwanji I owe you my entire life, You have every right to mess with me, to make it happy and whatever You feel like. Thank you for being their for me, and thank You for  keeping me alive all this while.

To the day we meet again...

My Missing Eddie...

FYI, Eddie is the name of the character played by Hugh Jackman in the Movie 'Someone Like You'.

So to begin with the beginnings. Technically speaking this is my 3rd break up, but logically this is my 2nd break up. Well having dated the same person, and breaking up for the 2nd time,can be a third in the list but actually it is the 2nd. Nonetheless, break up! In my life, I have been in 2 serious relationships and both bitter-sweet. The reason I am omitting the mention of a certain part of my life, where I dated an opportunist is because that can never considered to be love, that could only be considered me being a stupid and he being an asshole. Again, I deviated. Well back to my break-up.

Somehow I appear so calm and quiet about this break-up. Maybe because -
1. I am done with my share of crying (alone of course)
2. I am a stronger person compared to what I was earlier
3. I don't have the luxury to fall apart and break down (because there is none to push me back up)

So as per the above listed reasons, I have accepted my fate and I have learnt to live with it. It still hurts though but all I think about it -
If we cannot laugh at the same joke again and again, why cry about the same thing again and again.

I am the best I have left with. And I am only growing stronger by the day. I know I scare hell lot of people but I also know I am not bad. I am a strong personality but I had to be, who else I can be weak with. The ones I have shared my tears, my emotions and my fears with, have inevitably left me. So why should I be vulnerable in front of those who have only bothered to pass judgement on me all this while. It is indeed tough being this strong and always being on guard., but unfortunately that is what life is for me.

Sometimes my sister's words echo in my ears still and irritates me to the core - "Yeh akelapan tune apne aap hi laya hai, and tu kabhi kisi ke saath khush nahi reh sakti, tu akeli hi rahegi hamesha". Harsh words, but now they make more sense. Well for the English translation - "You have inflicted this loneliness upon you, you can never be happy with anyone, you will be alone forever".

I so wanted to prove her and the world wrong. I have and I continue to prove how others have been wrong about me. But I guess this one time I failed. From getting admission to ACS, to being a part of SXC, from topping in my Class 12, to finding a job on my own and doing good. I have proved every person wrong. But when it comes to love, or finding one true love, I fail miserably. At least by now I know, I am not perfect (shit! all delusions shattered).

Nonetheless as it is established I have no shoulder to cry on, or maybe I have self-inflicted this loneliness, I have to find refuge in movies and books. And I remember I went gaga over the character of Jacob during my 1st break up (I have to get the books back to Bangalore, it was so therapeutic). Today I ended up watching the movie 'Someone Like You', and one of my many favorite actors (to be fair, they are fabulous) Hugh Jackman played the role of Eddie. Initially he appears to be a womanizer, but later we get to see the good side of him. And he is this caring friend, this sensible and logical adviser, this perfect shoulder to cry on, and he ends up being the only right person. I miss having Eddie in my life. I miss having just a friend in my life.

I know I am good with studies, with work, with keeping everyone around me happy. But I am bad at sharing myself with others. And somehow through the blog, lately I have started saying so very much. The people I expect would be near me, would be around me, are the first ones to desert me. But I miss human touch, I miss a voice saying to me it will be alright. I miss the smile I see on a face when they see me. I miss the warmth in human beings around me.

I know I have been hated a lot, but how can I give me on the love I received from others. How can I think ill of others. How can I be mean. All I can do is be on my own, face this world and its harsh realities alone. But I miss having my Eddie, my shoulder to cry on, my friend to advise me to move on. I miss someone hugging me and telling me they are there. I don't want anymore false promises, I don't want any more disappointments. Somehow I don't have that much energy left in me. And yet my heart says it will fall in love again. And you know what, I feel like tearing it out of my body and throwing it away. My brain tells me I am strong and I can face anything. But then why my eyes refuse to shut, why the tears won't stop flowing when I am alone. For the past 2 weeks or so, sleep has escaped me. And I know now why. I have been taking sleeping pills but to no use. Work Life also has its ups and downs.

People ask me to start flirting, to start feeling. But then what about the feeling that I will eventually end up hurting myself. At this juncture of my life, I am looking for a Life Partner and not just a person to hang out with. I have also accepted the fact that it is time for me to get married. The message has been conveyed to the entire family as well. And its time to settle, to adjust, to find a person I can be home with.

Also to accept the truth, there is someone who inevitably brings a smile on my face. Enka, he is little stupid, crazy, but a decent person. With him around, I have managed to smile, I have managed to share myself and I have felt comfortable. But then I am glad he knows nothing about this. And somehow I want to keep it that way. Remember in SXC - Nature Boy, HSBC - Chashmish and now Enka. They have only provided sweet distractions in my life and have helped me get my mind off so many things.

But I still miss having Eddie around me.

I feel now at peace with myself. I feel like I have grown up and matured now. And now its time for me to give my parents what they truly deserve. Mumma, Papa - Soon...!!!!


Thank you Bhagwanji for making me the way I am, for keeping me alive and most importantly for being by my side. Help me be a stronger and a happier person.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

For all the travels I was alone...

My journey through life has led me through both light and dark places, and it's because of those experiences that I have learned how to work through my character defects and to help others do the same. - Jessie Pavelka

But my entry is not the journey of life, rather the many journeys I have undertaken through my life. It is about the many paths I walked alone and walked with people beside me. I shall begin from the very beginning, that is if I can remember the old sequence of events.

Dating back to when I was this little kid, crazy about outdoors, hated baths, loved the sun, loved nature and  hated being home. Well somehow I had the privilege of being always out of the house. Being the ugly one among the sisters, was an advantage for me. Where my sister was (and still is) breath-taking beautiful, I was just a Tomboy roaming around in my shorts, with bob-cut hair and a dark complexion. Well as a kid, I somehow used to be happy about it and pray to the Almighty for bestowing such good luck on me, that I could roam freely. But then I had a great group of friends - Rishi (dude I don't know how to find you on FB or anywhere), Megha, Tony, Bujhu, Badi Babli, Choti Babli, Swarnali, Joy and so on. We used to play, run in the sun, get ourselves dirty and what not. And obviously I was the leader of our pack. I think back then, my Dad realized my potential and helped me build myself stronger and braver. I am grateful to him in every manner. By the way, my Dad spoiled me like anything. Wherever he would go, I would inevitably tag along with him. This specific time I remember, well my mom and dad remember in a much better way. As always Dad was going out on his scooter and he asked me to go along with him. But then Mom denied saying I need to finish my homework. I very excitedly said, Dad asked me to, I cannot say No to Dad. But to my surprise, my Dad also denied this time saying I should study. And guess what I could have said to Dad, "Joru ka Ghulam". I may have been 5/6/7, I don't remember, but yes I was very young to even know what that meant but I said it. Threw my slippers up in the air and ran to my room. Mom and Dad still make fun of me, saying how smart I was to use the term at the very appropriate moment. God, I wish I was that I was the small kid once again.

I come from a house where I had working parents, but it would always turn out to my benefit. This one time, Dad was pissed on me and Di, I don't remember what or why. But I remember him being angry. And giving a lecture to Di, maybe a slap or two, that I don't remember. Now when it was my turn to get the scoldings, I crack a stupid joke (obviously I don't remember the joke) but the moment Dad laughed, I knew no beatings, no scoldings for me. I knew I was Dad's favorite. And somehow I feel no shame in accepting the fact that I have been pampered so very much by Dad. He has always been by my side, he has been there when I made mistakes and helped me make them right. I love him till Death and beyond. I could have never asked for better parents.

Daddyji, my grandfather, was a very handsome looking inspiration figure in my life. His presence in our family ensured that everything happens in a prim and proper manner. He inspired me to use spoon and not to use hands while eating. And you know what, from Class 3, I have not had rice using my hands, it is always with the help of a spoon. Friends have obviously made fun of me while I do this, but then who cares. It was and is a good habit I learnt from him and I am willing to continue. Daddyji was this dynamic figure. Timsi di (the eldest of our generation) is obviously his favorite, but I was not far behind. I knew that he always pestered me if I slept for long on school days. He would visit us weekends and bring Chocolate cookies just for me. How can I forget all of it. How can I ever forget his cooking. My favorite being the Chicken Rice, whose taste lingers in my mouth but I also know, I can never ever get to eat anything like that ever again. He introduced us to mushrooms as a delicacy. Daddyji I miss you so very much and I wish you were here to see how your grandkids are doing. But I also know you are always there, helping us, guiding us through the tough times. Love you Daddyji.

Chaiji, my grandmother, the warmest person on this earth. A dedicated wife, a perfect mother, an amazing grandmother and above all a perfect human being. She was among the 1st Metric Pass during her days and that too 1st Class. We have her certificates still and also the newspaper cutting. She got married early or else she was offered sponsorship for higher studies, but her father had other plans. In a way I am glad, or else I would have never had Chaiji in my life. Chaiji's visit means Allu-Gobi Paranthas, namkeen chawal, aam ka aachar. I think my childhood would have an absolute waste had her food not been there. I miss you Chaiji the most. I remember watching Jism (A rated movie) with her, without any hesitation. You are and always be my best friend. Always encouraging, always helping and always that smile. I don't remember how many vacations I have spent over at your house and felt like being at home. When I started working, you were so proud of me. And I can only hope and wish that I am making you proud still. Always complimenting on how beautiful I am. But I also remember, growing up she was a little skeptical about me being so dark on complexion when compared to my sisters. But her fears were soon overcome with the many things I have accomplished over the years. I indeed miss having you around in my life. And I still miss the fact, that I was not able to say my last goodbye. I shall regret this till the last breath of my life. But I am happy and grateful that God choose me to be your granddaughter. You have taught me the meaning of love, forgiveness, compassion, being tolerant, being patient and yet standing up for myself. I love you for everything. And I miss you every moment of my life. The other day when I had done planchette with Mam, I knew it was you and I knew you are there somewhere around us. I miss you and I miss you the most. You were my best friend. You supported me through Ron and you supported me through T. You were my story teller granny. You used to take me around. I miss you Chaiji. I miss our outings together, me shopping for you, going out for movies (remember Jodha Akbar, just 2 days before my semesters). Remember Saari shopping for Bhaiya's wedding. Shoe shopping, bag shopping, everything. I miss you so very much, I think words are not enough to describe what you have been and what you are in my life. Love you Chaiji and thank you for everything. 

I guess I deviated a bit (a lot I guess) from the many travels I was supposed to describe. But I will be back with my travel accounts. Today I am just happy and I want it to be that way. 

Thank you Bhagwanji for bringing me to the famous Goswami family, with the many twists and turns in our lives and yet the strong ones. 

Sunday, February 21, 2016

A visit back to College

I have had the privilege of being a part of one of the top colleges of Kolkata - St. Xavier's College and that too was blessed to be part of the 1st ever Autonomous batch.

So anyways, after almost 7 years, we visited college once again and it was only possible because of my good friend. At-least she has been consistent (till yet) to meet me every time I visit the city and is there to take me around and relive college days.

So on 8th of February 2016, we went to college. She had her old ID Card and got an entry to college easily. As for me, I had to wait for Prof. AB's letter to get an entry to college. Surely the security has tighten a bit. And the college building too has renovated so much. It was fun to be back in college. Just looking at the college, so very many memories rushed through me. It was the best feeling of the world.

I got to meet almost all the professors and not just that we clicked pictures too.
Prof. AB
Prof. SB
Prof. CM
Prof. PM
Prof. BD
Hindi Mam, Bengali Mam. Even got to meet the equipment manager for Mass communication department, unfortunately had missed out on meeting Prof, as by the time I reached, Mam had left.

It was fun walking down the same old corridors again. To see the classrooms we were once a part of. SXC has always been special to me and I can never forget the days spent in college. I feel blessed and privileged to be a part of such an amazing institute.

Lastly a day well spent in College. Even though empty stomach for half of the day, I felt I was full and satisfied. You know as they say -
Once a Xaverian, always a Xaverian.

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Monday, February 15, 2016

My Ex's Marriage

Well a self explanatory title indeed. My Ex is married indeed and I know not where to begin from. But nonetheless I will. Somehow this year I want to write and write things which have hurt me and may also hurt a lot of people. But as we all know in due course the hurt will subside and if my feelings were not considered should I consider about these so called others who left? Whether wrong or right, good or bad, here I am talking about my so called Ex.

Many of you may not even know his name, but to tell you the truth he was my very first relationship. Being the stubborn girl with high ideals and virtues, I choose to stay single till after my college and finally while doing my Masters I said yes to this wonderful guy. Well he used to be wonderful, I know not anymore. The reason for me getting so late into a relationship was because I always thought myself to be a serious kind of person, a one-man woman kind of person. So even though I did get proposals from quite a few guys, I would always rejected them ruthlessly without even considering about their feelings, so maybe the same thing happened exactly with me. Nevertheless, he is happily married today (well at least I hope so) and here I am living my life and enjoying the many opportunities I otherwise would have missed had he been in my life. Thank you for leaving me. It did hurt and somehow it hurts even today, but thank you for the valuable lesson of my life.

So very recently something happened and I thought of looking for my Ex on Facebook and I realize he is married and it has definitely been more than 6 months that he has been married for. Well now I remember the reason for searching for him, he had messaged me on GTalk and I replied back stating we should not bother each other anymore. I would have never said that, had our last interaction not been so ugly. I wish I could share what actually did happen but then who cares, I can share. He called me one fine day, infact I was sleeping so I could not answer his calls. Anyhow he kept trying to contact me and when finally we did end up speaking with each other, he send me a link to an adult video claiming the video features Me. To my utter shock, hate, disgust, and what not, I tried to calm myself down and opened the Link just to find some random people sharing their intimate moment in public. For a moment I thought maybe my face was morphed or what, but then it wasn't me. I knew I am not that kind of a person, and even though I was going through a very ugly phase of my present relationship, I knew there was nothing like that to be shared out in public. And that was the day when all I love, respect, my feelings were shattered and destroyed for him and all I was left - anger, disgust, pain and hurt. Yet somehow when I saw his picture with his wife, tears fell from my eyes. I felt somewhere what stupidity had I done, how easily had I trusted a person who betrayed me and proved me wrong every other time. This was the man I had so blindly trusted on and had also introduced to my parents.

All my ideals, my virtue went down to the ditches. The pride I had went away just in a second. How wrong did I prove myself to be. One man woman - a complete joke I have made out of myself. And yet you know, even after so much has passed, I feel proud of myself. I feel independent, I feel successful and above all I feel Loved. Isn't that the greatest joy of all. Isn't that what we strive for each day, a little harder, a little more.

I hope unlike me, you do not hurt your wife. Your promise that you will never get married, even if your parents force, obviously was a sham the same way your promise to be by my side in good or bad days, to love me till the end, and to marry me. Everything a mere sham. And I like a fool believed it all. But thanks for the lesson, a much needed one.

All the best my Ex with your future EXperiences. You are now Past and will remain so. And please do not try and come near me anymore to betray your wife. Stay with her, be happy with her, and watch adult videos with her, but then don't go looking for me in the videos, don't see my face in the malls you roam around with her, don't feel my presence in the movie hall when you are with her. Belong to her and her only. And I am sure I don't need to elaborate so much, you are mature enough to handle things yourself, the way you had handled the entire situation about me with your family. Just get rid of the problem - the most effective and easy solution possible on earth.

Thanks a lot for every single thing you failed to do for me.

Well but then it is my Ex's marriage, one should not be sad, one should rejoice at one's happiness. Be happy and stay happy. God Bless.