Sunday, July 31, 2016

The Tulips...

I didn’t want any flowers, I only wanted 
To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty. 
How free it is, you have no idea how free—— 
The peacefulness is so big it dazes you, 
And it asks nothing ...

These amazing lines from Sylvia Plath's famous poem - TULIPS have been haunting me for quite sometime now and I thought it is time for me to write about them. 

As a school kid, I would always be fascinated with any names beginning with the alphabet T. Well in all honesty, I love myself, my name and what I am. And since my name begins with the alphabet T, it was only but natural for me to look for names beginning with the same alphabet. And amongst the many names I heard, one name appealed to me the most. I know it is a mere coincidence, but somehow the name Tulip stayed with me. And I love the sound of it. The mere word being associated with a flower, made it all the more special. And here I was in High School, reading a poem about the same name I loved so much. But this is no happy poem. Let me not go any deeper to the mood and current situation of the writer. But the above mentioned lines, they somehow stir something inside of me and make me feel so at peace and yet so uncomfortable at the same time. And here I am trying to understand what these lines mean to me in particular.

Living in an eternal state of nothingness would be such an boon. I wish I personified in this very nothingness. Away from all the shams and falseness of the people and the world around me. Maybe an invisible beam, who sees all, perceives all but feels nothing. Slowly but steadily I am moving towards this very state. Let's hope and pray I achieve this state as soon as possible. I am done with everything and everyone around me. I feel like exploring a new city, exploring myself a little more and not having to make anymore friends. I want to give up on the very social norm of having to meet people and having to greet them, put on this fake smile and pretend everything is fine when nothing ever is. I hate people with no depth, no backbone and no common sense. I am so irritated with everyone around me, that lately I have not been able to think straight. But it is time, I change that and I come back to being myself. Definitely not in office, but away and out from that cursed place, I know I enjoy my company and I love spending time with myself. Why waste time and money on those who don't even care. I know for sure I love myself.

I guess I said a lot more than I was supposed to. Some of it would have made sense, most of it would have been just words with no meaning at all.

To the time we meet again.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

A Few Good Humans...

Well I do realize I have changed the title as per the need of the hour. It is better to generalize than to take sides of either of the sexes. All I want now is to find a few good Human Beings who can understand and not just fake it.

To begin with, I used to think only Punjabis are shallow minded when it comes to the skin tone or complexion of their daughter-in-laws. But the more I travel, the more I learn. It is a human mentality to think that the complexion of the daughter-in-law will inevitably be bestowed upon the future generations. Hence the reason for a fairer looking Daughter-in-law, even though the son may look like a Chimpanzee. Well I should not be generalizing, but over these past few years, I have come across such shallow and pointless notions. But I did not understand the gravity of it, till the time I had to face the ordeal for myself. And damn, that did hurt.

I wonder how shallow our society has become, running after color, caste, creed and religion. Even in such modern times, we are still stuck with the stupid notions of the Cave Days. But somehow I believe life in a Cave would have been much more simpler than living in this modern day reality, the concrete jungle.

I know I am discussing something very personal to me, but I thought if I am facing this, I am sure there will be many more women who must be going through the same everyday and maybe my experience may help them in someway. I know I am just an ordinary person, but there have been people in my life who made this ordinary person feel so very extra ordinary. And even though some may not be here with me right now, I know their prayers and good wishes will always be with me.

Well from a very young age, my distant relatives have had this question mark in their mind. Not because of anything serious or political or economical, but because of my skin tone, or my complexion. There is a major chunk of my family who is not aware of the polio drops incident and I would rather leave it there. So from the day I gained consciousness, there has been this sense of unease and discomfort around those relatives. As time passed, I have even come across people who have not hesitated in telling me on my face that I am ugly looking. Every time they end up comparing me with my sister, little realizing that we are 2 very different people. Nonetheless as a kid, believe me I gave a damn to such comments. And I so wish I could have been that carefree kid again. But once when I got to see the real world around me, when I got to understand how this pitiful society works, I realized that no matter how good, or considerate I may be, even if I am a Topper, as long as my complexion is dark, I cannot be associated with anything good.

And here comes the most important person of my life, my friend, my mentor, my guide, my motivator, my inspiration, my everything, my sweet dear Grandmother, my Chaiji. Oh, how I miss her each day. I know no one is perfect in this world, and I am sure Chaiji may have had her shares of  ups and downs. But for me, she is and she will always be PERFECTION. How well has she managed the entire clan and her own kids. Among-st the first convent educated females in India, and a First Class holder, she was so down to earth and such a genuine human being. Mere words cannot describe how and what I feel for her even today that she is no longer with us. Chaiji was married to this handsome, fair looking man, my Grandfather, my Daddyji. And how Chaiji used to say, color doesn't matter. Her father-in-law saw the simplicity in her and choose her for his first born (the handsomest of his sons). And Daddyji never once let Chaiji think she is not as good looking as he is. And that is the kind of relationship I wanted (tough luck). And so every time I would be down and worried about my complexion, well I obviously discussed everything with her, all she would say is, that I have a beautiful heart and a pure soul. I used to get angry saying, no one can see that so how can they judge me. And she would just smile and say, someday someone will. How much I miss that woman in my life. She used to lift my spirit up just with her smile. I remember when I got my tattoo done, everyone in the house were angry but Chaiji supported me and smiling said even she has one. But yes if I was wrong, she would always be the first person to scold me and she ensured that I make amends. With her around life was so peaceful and smooth and just so happy and positive. I miss you Chaiji and I miss you Daddyji. ALWAYS!

But somehow I ended up with the same age old controversy of having a dark complexion and hence a dark soul and hence dark kids in the future. I wonder if all these people have some special powers to visual what will happen in the future. And yet they will always speculate.

I have given up on humanity and I have given up on people. They will be nice to you as long as you serve their purpose and the moment you are useless to them, you are dead. I do miss the friend circle I had back in Kolkata. I miss the friendly hugs and the friendly gestures from people around me. I miss feeling good about myself. Here in Bangalore, if I smile everyone will try and find ways and means to ensure my smile doesn't spread and rather I sit back and cry. But this too is a phase of life, which will pass eventually. Even though I desperately want this phase to get over with, but I know gradually it will be gone.

I guess for this lifetime, I have met my quota of good humans. Cheers to another life. Hopefully I would not be such a disappointment to all and I would not get disappointed by all.

Dedicated to a Few Good Humans...

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

A Few Good Men...

What a beginning I had in mind and what a beginning I am going to give it.

No Good Men at all or should I say very few good men left.

I had never thought that I would use the title of this movie, but here I am writing about the few men I have in my life currently and how my life seems to revolve around them.

To begin with Kumar, the sweet boy from a small town, struggling in a metro city to make a name for himself. No doubts he is a great dancer and I absolutely respect and admire him for all the efforts he puts day in and day out. But lately life has been tough to him, all I can hope for is a good and peaceful life and lots of success.

Rahul, I call him the crazy one because he is indeed crazy. We are related in no way and yet we shared so much. I feel like I am the elder sister and I do feel responsible for him. Give him the health he deserves, let him live his life as well.

I did initially think, I would speak about a couple more, but then I don't want to jinx it again. Whosoever I have spoken about in this blog has eventually left and gone. Let's see how long it takes for these to leave.

But few good men are left on earth it seems. Rest all want to just be there, make a move, irritate, irate and stare. Who stops at stares, reports of rape, molestation is only common happening these days. So will it be wrong to say that a girl needs to protect herself all alone. Even when I was in a relationship, it was strange how I never felt secured when others stared at me. Others would push me by and yet there was no reaction. Makes me realize how right Papa were and Papa still is. I miss him and I miss home.

I miss the feeling of being around people I can be myself with. Well to be frank and honest, I always wanted to be in a city where no one knows me and where I can have an identity of my own. I do not regret being here but I miss the warmth of people around me. Everyone is selfish and everyone seems to be friends for a purpose. Purpose solved, friendship dissolved. Very convenient it sounds. Men or women, all alike and I am in the middle of all this confusion. The worst part, they don't even realize, they hurt and move on.

A few good men are lost in this world and I find no other way to find them. 

Frankly speaking I was working on this piece for a long time in my mind and I never thought it would come out so negative. But that is exactly how I am feeling right now. This was going to be a positive note. But everything happens for a reason and now I know the reason - there should be no HOPE. Hope is DEAD! and Dead she is.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

NPSSBS

So here are the 3 years of my Junior High (8,9 and 10). I changed schools, obviously I had to. I was forced to. I remember hating the very thought of having the leave the known classes, the known teachers, the known faces and having to adapt to a new environment, but I realize now it was for my very own good.

On the recommendation of my Mom's friend, Mom made me join this school in Class 8 itself. Oh, how much I hated being a part of the new place.The uniform color was weird. It was a Co-Ed School, I have always been Co-ed School, so boys was no big deal. The problem here was that no one knew me. I had to make friends on my own. And the very first week, I had no one talking to besides the Teachers and my Classmate - Ritu. Later came Payel and Moumita. But I remember clearly it being Ritu.

However the reason for me remembering the school is nothing much, then the freedom I had to travel up and down in Public Bus while I was in Class 9 and 10. According to Dad, it was one direct bus and it was time for me to become street smart. So me, along with one of my friend, Priyanka, each day after school, we used to walk back to the bus stop and wait for the bus. Some days she would get a bus before me and other days I would get a bus before her. It was right here in the bus stop another school bus would also come and there was this guy, I am quite sure he was my Senior, who used to stare at us. For obvious reasons, I knew he was staring at Priyanka. She was not only fair and tall, but was beautiful and had these amazingly big and appealing eyes. And me on the other hand, tall, with short hair, an absolute tomboy. So the first couple of times, I thought he was obviously eyeing Priyanka, I hardly ever paid attention. Until the day I saw him board the same public bus as me. I don't know when or how he got to know, but he would always board the same bus as me.

Well travelling back home for me was exciting task as I would end up meeting one of my neighbors and they would inevitably pay for my bus tickets and I would end up saving my pocket money. But I started looking out for this guy too. He was taller than me, he was fair and had an athletic built. However I reckon he ever played sports, he looked more of a nerd than of a sportsperson. And above all, his smile was so very cute and he got dimples every time he would smile at me. I know had it been any other girl, I am sure she would have proposed to him. But as it was me, poor guy must have suffered a lot.

During those days, I hated boys. I just could not stand the boys in my class and I was in general of the opinion that all guys are stupid and hence should be avoided. But I would look forward to the time when I would board the bus for my specs guy. See, there I begin the unprecedented attraction I have for guys in specs (later it was obviously Chasmish from HSBC).

I clearly remember this one time, when 2 buses were trying to overtake each other and I out of my laziness avoided boarding either of the buses. I waited almost 10-15 minutes to board another bus. And to my surprise, he too waited and he boarded the same exact bus as me. I was shocked, but he just smiled. Oh! how stupid of me never ever to speak to him. And coincidentally we sat together. But all I could do was look outside the window and he kept staring at me. Now I realize how very stupid I had been as a child. Not exactly stupid, but innocent. At that point, I was very virtuous and also naive, and for me I believed in love, but it should be love till the end, no time pass for me. He could have been my first boyfriend, but I had to wait till University to get my heart broken. By then I would have been a pro or who knows, if he was the one guy I would have got married to.

Nonetheless, I seem to have deviated to the wonderland again. Back to reality. Our bus rides went on for almost a year. I told you he was a senior and I am sure once he finished his High School, he moved on. And I never got to see him again. But I did miss him. I would never admit it to my friend, Priyanka, my only friend who knew about him. But I did miss him. And I miss him still. Somehow I miss a person looking out for me. I miss the person who ensures I am safe. I miss the smile which lightens up my mood and brightens up my day. A face of a stranger who appears to be like my very own. Who knows, he may have been my soulmate. The one year, us travelling together, not so many coincidences could have been possible. But I missed my chance.

I know I am all strong and so very independent, that I intimidate people and especially the guys around me. But I am yet to find a guy who can look me in the eye and know who I really am. The people I relied on, the people I thought would be a friend for life, those were the ones to show their back and run off at the first instance. So my search continues, soulmate or no soulmate, a life partner awaits for me. And I hope the poor guy has enough warning before he gets to be by my side.

Thank You Bhagwanji for showing such amazing days. And I am Sorry for not being able to realize about them earlier. I am grateful to You for everything. Keep Smiling and Keep Loving Me (I know You always do). Love You!

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Football...

Weird are the ways of Bhagwanji. Last night I cried myself to sleep, only to be waken up by the ringtone of my phone. It was my friend, asking me about what I have been up-to. Initially I thought it is an official call and she wanted help from me, but I realized she is out and wants me to join her. I was deep in sleep, at least now I am able to sleep. And believe me last night, when I was writing the blog, I did think of her and was just contemplating on how people are. To her all I have ever been is nice and have always been by her side. But for me, she has never been. Even when I shared the news of my break up, she was normal and never bothered to even ask me again if I am doing alright. I remember when I lost my wallet in Bangalore, then also she was not there by my side. So I had accepted the fact, that I am just a colleague for her, not even a friend.

But today she called me and asked me to join her in the football field. My first instinct was to say no. But then I remember reading this piece on life, where we should do couple of things and have no regrets later. So I accepted the invitation. Well I have been in Bangalore for over an year now, but they only bothered to call me now. I know now why. Because I now single and I have none by my side. I am actually surprised how people think.

Well to be honest, I know for sure when I was in a relationship, I would hardly ever be invited out was because others wanted what I had and they never wanted me to be a part of their miserable single life (to be frank, the miserable does not apply to all). I was never invited out and I knew the reason why. But today surprisingly they called.

So I went, and she was there cheering and supporting her bestie. This reminded me of my college days. watching Nature Boy play in the football field.

Nonetheless I met the guys. Sat there, laughed at the stupid and the silliest jokes possible. And now I am back home.

I know not how to react to all this. I know I should not be expecting anything from anyone. When Ruchi mentioned how she and her friends tried to cheer this friend of hers who had broken up. I missed having friends around me. Maybe something is indeed wrong with me that I could never be a friend for anyone.

But Bhagwanji has been nice to me, so no complaints. He knows, I only complain to Him. And I am sure by now, He is only so very used to it. After all He has been the only true witness of my entire life story. Bhagwanji I owe you my entire life, You have every right to mess with me, to make it happy and whatever You feel like. Thank you for being their for me, and thank You for  keeping me alive all this while.

To the day we meet again...

My Missing Eddie...

FYI, Eddie is the name of the character played by Hugh Jackman in the Movie 'Someone Like You'.

So to begin with the beginnings. Technically speaking this is my 3rd break up, but logically this is my 2nd break up. Well having dated the same person, and breaking up for the 2nd time,can be a third in the list but actually it is the 2nd. Nonetheless, break up! In my life, I have been in 2 serious relationships and both bitter-sweet. The reason I am omitting the mention of a certain part of my life, where I dated an opportunist is because that can never considered to be love, that could only be considered me being a stupid and he being an asshole. Again, I deviated. Well back to my break-up.

Somehow I appear so calm and quiet about this break-up. Maybe because -
1. I am done with my share of crying (alone of course)
2. I am a stronger person compared to what I was earlier
3. I don't have the luxury to fall apart and break down (because there is none to push me back up)

So as per the above listed reasons, I have accepted my fate and I have learnt to live with it. It still hurts though but all I think about it -
If we cannot laugh at the same joke again and again, why cry about the same thing again and again.

I am the best I have left with. And I am only growing stronger by the day. I know I scare hell lot of people but I also know I am not bad. I am a strong personality but I had to be, who else I can be weak with. The ones I have shared my tears, my emotions and my fears with, have inevitably left me. So why should I be vulnerable in front of those who have only bothered to pass judgement on me all this while. It is indeed tough being this strong and always being on guard., but unfortunately that is what life is for me.

Sometimes my sister's words echo in my ears still and irritates me to the core - "Yeh akelapan tune apne aap hi laya hai, and tu kabhi kisi ke saath khush nahi reh sakti, tu akeli hi rahegi hamesha". Harsh words, but now they make more sense. Well for the English translation - "You have inflicted this loneliness upon you, you can never be happy with anyone, you will be alone forever".

I so wanted to prove her and the world wrong. I have and I continue to prove how others have been wrong about me. But I guess this one time I failed. From getting admission to ACS, to being a part of SXC, from topping in my Class 12, to finding a job on my own and doing good. I have proved every person wrong. But when it comes to love, or finding one true love, I fail miserably. At least by now I know, I am not perfect (shit! all delusions shattered).

Nonetheless as it is established I have no shoulder to cry on, or maybe I have self-inflicted this loneliness, I have to find refuge in movies and books. And I remember I went gaga over the character of Jacob during my 1st break up (I have to get the books back to Bangalore, it was so therapeutic). Today I ended up watching the movie 'Someone Like You', and one of my many favorite actors (to be fair, they are fabulous) Hugh Jackman played the role of Eddie. Initially he appears to be a womanizer, but later we get to see the good side of him. And he is this caring friend, this sensible and logical adviser, this perfect shoulder to cry on, and he ends up being the only right person. I miss having Eddie in my life. I miss having just a friend in my life.

I know I am good with studies, with work, with keeping everyone around me happy. But I am bad at sharing myself with others. And somehow through the blog, lately I have started saying so very much. The people I expect would be near me, would be around me, are the first ones to desert me. But I miss human touch, I miss a voice saying to me it will be alright. I miss the smile I see on a face when they see me. I miss the warmth in human beings around me.

I know I have been hated a lot, but how can I give me on the love I received from others. How can I think ill of others. How can I be mean. All I can do is be on my own, face this world and its harsh realities alone. But I miss having my Eddie, my shoulder to cry on, my friend to advise me to move on. I miss someone hugging me and telling me they are there. I don't want anymore false promises, I don't want any more disappointments. Somehow I don't have that much energy left in me. And yet my heart says it will fall in love again. And you know what, I feel like tearing it out of my body and throwing it away. My brain tells me I am strong and I can face anything. But then why my eyes refuse to shut, why the tears won't stop flowing when I am alone. For the past 2 weeks or so, sleep has escaped me. And I know now why. I have been taking sleeping pills but to no use. Work Life also has its ups and downs.

People ask me to start flirting, to start feeling. But then what about the feeling that I will eventually end up hurting myself. At this juncture of my life, I am looking for a Life Partner and not just a person to hang out with. I have also accepted the fact that it is time for me to get married. The message has been conveyed to the entire family as well. And its time to settle, to adjust, to find a person I can be home with.

Also to accept the truth, there is someone who inevitably brings a smile on my face. Enka, he is little stupid, crazy, but a decent person. With him around, I have managed to smile, I have managed to share myself and I have felt comfortable. But then I am glad he knows nothing about this. And somehow I want to keep it that way. Remember in SXC - Nature Boy, HSBC - Chashmish and now Enka. They have only provided sweet distractions in my life and have helped me get my mind off so many things.

But I still miss having Eddie around me.

I feel now at peace with myself. I feel like I have grown up and matured now. And now its time for me to give my parents what they truly deserve. Mumma, Papa - Soon...!!!!


Thank you Bhagwanji for making me the way I am, for keeping me alive and most importantly for being by my side. Help me be a stronger and a happier person.