Free bird!!!

Its so good to see that noone is bothered about your existence
It feels nice to know that the day you are gone,you will be a no one


That is how it should always be, that is how it is meant to be
The day I die, I don't want a single tear, that is the day you will be free...

Dear ones!!!

doи't kиow ιƒ you wєяє thє oиє ι should hαvє мιssєd
doи't kиow ιƒ lιƒє would hαvє ьєєи shoяtєи wιthout thє lιst?
ьut whαt ιs thє ρoιиt oƒ thιиgs whιсh go uиwяιttєи
Why to wєιgh αиd мєαsuяє soмє thιиgs whιсh αяє wιthιи?

You kиow ι мιss you мoяє thαи thє lιsts сαи сlαιм
You kиow ιt ιs ƒαя ьєttєя thαи lιsts whιсh αsk us to ьє tαмє
Hαd мιssєd you yєstєяdαy, wαs мιssιиg you todαy αиd
ιt would αlso ьє thє sαмє єvєи toмoяяow, сαusє you я мy oиly ƒяιєиd.




While surfing through the net, I came up with these lines... Was missing my dear friends- Rohan and Rohil... both mean a lot to me and its because of you my dear ones that life has become so beautiful and so lovely. Thanks for being there with me always. In your own ways, you both have made me realize the importance of being happy in any situation and be the best of what I am supposed to be. Thanks my dear ones... Thanks once again :)

My homage to Sorrow.

Life is funny. Everyday you get to see something new happening around you. Every time you feel you have full control of it, you fail to realize that you don’t. One may not know what lies ahead of this moment. No one knows what a new day may bring for him/her. It is funny to see how each day progresses and how we feel that we are achieving something, but how little do we realize that this progress is towards our very own end. Hardly do we realize that things can end too. We have stupid fights over stupid immaterial things. We hurt each other, we hate this and we hate that, we hate ourselves, and we follow rules just to break a few, everyday we look at the mirror just to ensure that everything is alright. But is everything ever going to be alright once when you have the gift called “Life”.

Strange as it may sound, a positive girl like me speaking about death in such a way. But yesterday itself I had an encounter with death, a peaceful death, in a moment which I don't really know how well to describe. But what seemed funny to me was the fact that after this encounter with death I had to attend a birthday party, celebrations of someone who is happy to be alive[no offence meant]. Such a contradiction in a day itself made me wonder what really I am supposed to do with all of it. I still don’t have an answer to this question and so I sit here and type this all out. Type the supposed story of a “living dead”.

A normal day it was. I was sitting idly on the bench, hardly paying attention to what the person on the dice was speaking about. Perhaps the class was on how Gulliver tried to communicate with the lilliputs, on whose island he had accidentally landed. And that person on the dice was trying to show how Gulliver kept on contradicting himself, saying something and doing completely the opposite of it. Contradictions are an inevitable part of human life. That is what I have learnt after so many days of my survival here. So there I was sitting and staring at my copy, little realizing what exactly might happen in the next moment. I was eagerly waiting for the evening celebrations with my friends, it was one of my friend’s birthday and I was to go there and join her and indulge in the festivity. After this class, I was to leave for the party. I was giving blank looks to my copy and waiting for the class to end soon. But then there was a sound which distracted all of us, including the man on the pedestal. And then a scream was heard. Sitting on the third bench I hardly had a proper view of what exactly had gone wrong which made the girl scream so badly. And then my friend told me that a sparrow had hit itself in the fan which was moving and was supposedly hurt. But the scream I had heard seconds ago had told me a different story. Something wasn’t right and it made my stomach turn inside. There were small feathers flying in the air of that room, a spacious and yet so congested room, over crowded with people who hardly have a purpose of being there.
We had to find out what had happened. That is when this guy stood up to inspect what had happened, we call him “Carpenter” [cause he looks like one and is always ready to mend things even when they don’t need mending]. So he stood up and went forward smiling as always [and I hate that irritating smile of his, its so very God knows what]. He turned to tell his friends that the sparrow was dead and as he said “broken into two”. Did the sparrow had a life or was it a non-living entity? I was confused. But what he did further was more irritating. He took the body of the sparrow [mind you all, without the head] and threw it out of the big window [I wish I could have pushed him from there as well, but I didn’t cause I do have some feelings left] and then he was like- “What should I do now?” I so badly wanted to scream- “go join the dead”. And then he walked a little further and he took the head and threw it out of the window and smilingly [a little annoyingly now] he asked for permission to leave so that he can “wash it off”, “it”…
“Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this blood clean from my hand?”

“All the perfumes in Arabia will not sweeten this little hand. …cleansing blood to wash away that damned spot” [Macbeth]


Irritating and disgusting his act was. This doesn’t means that I expected people to give a proper burial to the small bird but a little respect would have harmed none. Do you expect people to throw you away once you are dead? Well inevitably they will do so, throw you away from their life and your memories, but would you still want it to happen?

The bird must have been a great creature, of that I am sure. Flying high in the air, feeling the breeze in the wings surely would have given the bird [let’s call the bird- Sorrow], a great sense of freedom. Away from all the trivialities of life, not bothering about how it looks or how to best impress others and lie a little more, Sorrow surely must have had a life better than all of ours. And the moment before Sorrow left us all with our own sorrows to look after, I know it was on its peak of success, enjoying its flight when the stupid blades of the very old, dingy and dirty fan hit it, just a small sound and the plight ended in a peaceful death, without any hassles, no pain, no crying, no nothing. There was no voice heard except that of the girl sitting on the first bench who must have screamed because of the brutality of the death, but I am sure she must have not known the peaceful pain of Sorrow, who is by now flying high in the sky, and we can’t see anymore the beautiful flight of the dead bird. It is gone now, with no proper flowers to offer, with no burial, with not a single tear shed on its departure, but only with harsh reality that once you are gone, you are gone forever, even from the lives of the others. Forever…

As a privileged section of animals we enjoy so many things in our lives. From the moment we are born till the moment we die and at times even after our death, we are a lucky lot of beings. We need flowers, and proper burials, people come to pay their last respects [no matter how bad one must have been, the dead are always forgiven and we cry in their loss]. All rubbish, everything is so unreal. Life is so dead...

Well on the same day, I attended a birthday party. A celebration of life, smiling youthful faces made me forget about the little, not so significant incident of the day, and I too was having a good time.


Life is so unpredictable. Live it while we still can, once gone it won’t come back.


By the way the bird supposedly [according to me] died a peaceful death. It happened in a fraction of seconds, no pain, without any troubles. I want to die like that. Reminds me of “Ode to a Nightingale”

“I have been half in love with easeful Death,
…
Now more than ever seems it rich to die,
To cease upon the midnight with no pain,…” [John Keats]

I bid thee adieu oh dear Sorrow. I too was unaware of your presence amongst us until yesterday. You taught me an important lesson, the hard lesson called “Life”. I shall respect it more and shall live it everyday.
Thanks Sorrow for all you stood for and shall always stand for. You have been my inspiration to die, an inspiration to live and love my life until I die.
I shall miss you.

**May your soul rests in peace**

The girl who came here to stay...

The empty streets call her today.
The missing beggar at the corner of the street,
The street lights dim in the month of May.
Will she ever walk again this day?
Will they see her face in dismay?

Those sign boards on those closed doors,
Those voiceless hawkers screaming some more.
Far across this deserted street, she stands,
All alone, not ready yet to cross over
But something calls her out once again.

In a trance shed walks past the empty bar.
She forgets to stay and pay her regards
And walks straight, across the yard.
She walks with little hopes in her heart,
Then why does she stop? Stop so far?

Can she go any further with such a pace?
Can she tell the time with a tickless clock?
She knows what she does, or can she not?
There she goes again, without tears now
But why does the voice still call out to her so loud?

What a lovely moment...

I thought of buying something for you
But what to buy, I had no clue.
I thought of getting some flowers with petals
But my thoughts just won't settle,
And I couldn't find anything admiringly special
Which could show how much you mean to me
So this is what I can afford to give from my heart
A simple promise that I would never let you fall...

Can't get enough

I don’t remember exactly how cultivated the habit of walking. I guess it is in human nature to start walking on their two feet as soon as they learn to know how their body can slide and glide and move with a certain rhythm in it. My mother tells me as a child I had broken three baby-walkers, this itself must tell you all how eager I was about walking and moving here and there. From the very early days of my life I was known as an avid walker. I couldn’t sit for long, I had to walk here and there, to eager not to stop or rest. Walking, running, hopping, jumping comprised the main activities of my life. It was fun and it still is fun.


I remember once during puja holidays in school I went to stay at my uncle’s place with my elder sister. It used to be fun back then when my grandfather was alive and grandmother and us. It was so cool just to be with them. Anyways, so uncle, aunty, us and my cousins decided to go pandal hopping. Known for his misery attitude everyone knew that uncle would make everyone walk. :-P Everyone was soon tired off because of the walk and moreover the stamping crowd. But I remember being able to walk so comfortably. This is one of my long walks which I remember. It was fun to watch others walk past you, you walking past a few. And looking at others, being looked at, it was so different. Then I remember the long evening walks we used to have in our first house. It was the best place on earth, if given a choice I would love to go back there and live the rest of my life. In the evenings after dad and mom would return from their work and we would finish off our homework and early dinner, we all would lock the front doors and leave for our evening walks together. I don’t remember Goldie [our first dog] much in the walks but when I look back at those memories I can see myself running around with Tuffy [our second dog].It was so fun, both of us, me and Tuffy would run here and there, race with each other and as soon as some stupid street dog would come to attack him he would run towards me and I, hardly in class 2 or 3 would run for his protection. And I still remember beating up these pair of dogs who were successful in attacking my dear hero. I still miss him, he was my best friend. I don’t remember ever being alone back then. Tuffy was always there with me. And I remember how we would play hide and seek and whenever there was waterlog in front of our house, both of us would go crazy. He would run here and there and I would run after him, even my elder sister would join us in. it was so much fun. And then when in class 3 I guess I started going to school on my own, it wasn’t far, and would come back home, he would jump over me and our celebrations wouldn’t end ever. It was fun back then.
And then there was those early morning walks when dad would wake us all up and take us to the park before sunrise. And all four of us along with Tuffy would watch the sun rise and I would go crazy in the small rides, and especially the slide where I and Tuffy would jump in together and he would actually slide down. Then at times there were lonely walks as well. I would go out on my own and walk about here and there. I would even go out in the market all alone. It was all so much fun for me. The place we used to live in was blessed with nature’s bounty and it was so green and pure and quiet and serene. I remember the inner peace we all had there and how much we all used to walk.

Then there were those days when I would walk to follow. Those were also fun. My grandfather walking in front of me and me running behind him trying to keep up with his pace. He would go to a thousand places in a single day and he was the only person who could tire me off of walking. I still remember whenever he used to come to our place on weekends, he would get those chocolate cookies for me and I would go crazy after them. Then he would get me stationary stuff as well and those scented pens and smart note books and all. Gosh, I miss him.

Then there was a time when I was again walking alone. Those walk where from the bus-stop to my school. Three years of lonesome walks made me a lot stronger than what I was earlier. A lot of things changed in me since my first walk. The hazy pictures were clearing now and there were different and new avenues to be explored within my own self. The next two years I didn’t walk much, didn’t had to because there was always someone beside me walking or holding my hand. Great years they were.

Then college life. Was really scared of walking all alone once again. I knew things are never going to be the same. Oh by the way, I had lost Tuffy by now and there was no hero in my life. In fact I believe that there cannot be another hero for me. He was the best and he is an inspiration for me. A dog and an inspiration is a little weird but he is always with me. Anyways in my first year, I did most of my walking all alone. I was scared but strong enough never to give in. these days were nice also, cause even in my loneliness my thoughts always gave me company. Then the second year and came in people who never left my side. Even in third year there were people around me walking with me always. Miss you all dear. By the first year came Dodo[our 3rd dog], my birthday gift, and we never got get along. Guess I was scared if he would take Tuffy's place in my life. In 2nd year DJ [our 4th dog] came into our lives. He is awesome, my baby and my sweetheart, I just love to pamper him. :D

For my birthday treat we all had gone to Forum that was one of the most happening days of my life. My parents were supposed to pick me up in the evening from outside of the college gate so we had to return from Forum back to the car. The walk from Forum till the college in the evening was awesome. I got such great friends. My first walk in college with friends who are still there with me. Since then I had a lot of walks with A, G and P. it was fun, it felt like I too have people with me who care. :-) thanks guys. Love you all. I remember the day I had to stay back in college for this union meeting and it was really getting late. Jon and Aubhi were there with me. And the walk back with Jon where both of us were literally running was awesome. That was the day when I and Jon connected and I came to know some great things about the guy and actually me we both realized how well we understand each other. Miss you too mate. Then came new friends in third year with whom I went for lots of shopping. There was always Pallavi with me from the first year and then came more friends. Pallavi and I used to have a blast together. We were just together walking, talking, and having a great time. Miss you too dear >:D<
Walk with Neel is also memorable. Walks with Arpita was fun and interesting, got to learn a lot of abuses from her. :D

I miss my walks these days… but I haven’t given up still…



There are more walks still left to be undertaken. There are still streets left for me to cover. There are lots of people I still haven’t had a chance to walk with. I am ready for the walks. I am ready for the new changes. I am ready to walk some more.

Jaane tu mera kya hai???

It is so strange that at times I wonder how life turns out to be, how we meet people and how special they become suddenly and in a flash of a moment you realize how wonderful life is with them. And by God’s grace I too have found such special people in my life. And they are all wonderful… believe me; life is wonderful with them around me.

This blog out here is a special dedication to all such people in my life. I thoughtI would not take any names,still I mention a few. But must also tell everyone how lucky I feel with such awesome and superb people around me. They not just are there with me, but understand me, my needs, my likes and my dislikes so well. They not just give a hand to me when I am sad or alone but they never leave my hand even when I am on the top of the world. I am simply lucky to have so many people who care so much for me…

Each one of you are so very special to me… its wonderful to have you all.
And what’s best is that I don’t have to be something I am not in front of them. I am the small child I always want to be, laughing, crying, going crazy, doing what I do best- be myself. :-)

And seriously each one of you is special to me and I shall treasure you guys forever in my heart.


Handsome [Fishy Guy]
Superkool [ Nahor]


Ruja[Teddy]
Nurav [Nura]
H MMMMM.......



You guys have always been there with me… its awesome to have people like you in my life. We might not have met but someday I seriously hope that we do. Till then the hope is always there that someday our paths might cross.



Samster
Amit
Pallu
Aunty
GG
Auchi
Jon
Neel
Poulo
Sharmi
Ajju
Kartikeya
Torsa
Soumana
Moinak
Kunal
Shibz
Aatreyee
[sorry if I miss out on names and the names are in no serial order]

I have so many names to mention… but I don’t know how well to thank you guys for what you all have done for me at one point of time. Its great, seriously to be with you all.

There were times when I cried, there were times when I was hurt and I am sure it was the same with you guys, but I can never forget and thank you all enough for whatever you all have done for me. You have been a pillar for support, a hand to guide me, the light in my darkness. I just don't have enough words to describe any of it. And no matter where we stand today, each one of you is special to me for so many reasons. I seriously have been blessed with some of the best people in the world.


And your memories shall always be cherished, those moments shall always be remembered.


Take care my friends.
Love you all

:*
:*
:*
>:D<

I'm dreaming...

The heart of gold,
With those sparkling eyes.
A dimple which makes up for my smile,
He is my frn...
Not for a day but for a lifetime.

:|

Bruised, battered and tired almost
All alone in the crowd.
I wish someone would call out to me
Call out a little loud...

TWO SONGS FOR HEDLI ANDERSONin
Selected Poems of W.H. Auden
by W. H. Auden
Vintage



I
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public
doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.


He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.


The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.



II
O the valley in the summer where I and my John
Beside the deep river would walk on and on
While the flowers at our feet and the birds up above
Argued so sweetly on reciprocal love,
And I leaned on his shoulder; 'O Johnny, let's play':
But he frowned like thunder and he went away.


O that Friday near Christmas as I well recall
When we went to the Charity Matinee Ball,
The floor was so smooth and the band was so loud
And Johnny so handsome I felt so proud;
'Squeeze me tighter, dear Johnny, let's dance till it's day':
But he frowned like thunder and he went away.


Shall I ever forget at the Grand Opera
When music poured out of each wonderful star?
Diamonds and pearls they hung dazzling down
Over each silver and golden silk gown;
'O John I'm in heaven,' I whispered to say:
But he frowned like thunder and he went away.


O but he was fair as a garden in flower,
As slender and tall as the great Eiffel Tower,
When the waltz throbbed out on the long promenade
O his eyes and his smile they went straight to my heart;
'O marry me, Johnny, I'll love and obey':
But he frowned like thunder and he went away.


O last night I dreamed of you, Johnny, my lover,
You'd the sun on one arm and the moon on the other,
The sea it was blue and the grass it was green,
Every star rattled a round tambourine;
Ten thousand miles deep in a pit there I lay:
But you frowned like thunder and you went away.




Such beautiful lines...made me cry when I first heard them in the movie-- "Four Weddings and a Funeral". Lovely...so simple, so true, so lovely... so peaceful

MISSING MY FRIEND...

Some one recently questioned about this person in my life, I didn’t know how best to give him a reply, I wasn’t sure if the other person would understand the relationship I share. But anyways I loved the reply I came up with…and it all happened near about five minutes ago. And here is my reply… these lines are meant for a dear friend, who is busy with his life, his career, earning money, working hard and still he is the reason why I smile now and then… , even though he is a million miles away… these lines are meant only for you my friend….


“A friend, philosopher, a guide.
I don’t want any feelings to hide.
He is a ray of hope
The other end of this friendship’s rope.
A beam of light
When nothing seems right.
Someone who never said too much.
But is a friend as such,
Who will walk with me till the end of time,
All I know HE is a friend of mine.”




Because of my shitty server, I have to post it now :(
But this friend of mine, well he is back, a little tired and exhausted and a little worried. But he is back and I am sure everything will be alright once he is back. Take care buddy… I missed you a lot and I am sure everything is going to be alright. :-)

I'm the new change...

They told me to start over again
They always have.
I remember the first step I took
Those new steps with the new look.
Change has always been constant
And so I was changing too.
Changed my school, changed my friends,
Changed the uniform I used to wear.
Changed the way I used to think
Challenged new thoughts, doubts and feelings.
Made all the efforts to move ahead
Made the efforts to become the “bestest of the best”.


I made another effort for a new beginning
They said… was it possible?
I made sure it was never impossible
For I achieved this thing.
They all said they loved
And so we became friends
But at the end of the day
Only three of us stood together.
So special were those days
When I learnt something new.
They all were so encouraging and supportive
I respect them more every way.

Then came the best change of all
I grew so proud and tall.
‘Tis the best bargain of all.
And yet it made us all … fall.
Made three years worth living
All the love worth giving
I got my share of love too
Along with came the dear hate.
But I felt it was not too late
for a better turn from the worst
those feelings seize to exist
they have finally turned to dust.

Today, I stand here all cold and lonely
Even though things are working somehow
I am no more happy.
I am disgusted, the way system works.
And now I want to change it all the more.
Seems I’m losing energy though
And want to give up with time,
And give up this fight of mine.



BUT …
It’s time to change again …
Let me see what happens this time,
I am ready for all the rains.
Let me be prepared to be slaughtered,
I will enjoy the killing and the new bloodshed.
Let me be prepared to be the new excavation,
I am prepared to be the new … ME …

The day that never comes...

What two great days I had? I still can’t believe that all this happened with me. So many emotions in such little amount of time seems really strange to me. I am moody indeed, but my emotions changing with my mood in fraction of seconds were like wow!!! I seriously don’t know what to do, how well to write down my feelings today. Is it a blessing or a boon in disguise? Is this a warning? I don’t know what to expect of things anymore… I know none of this was expected three years back when I was super excited and felt super lucky with the way things were going on.

So many good things have happened over the three years but the past 3 days have made them all seem so small. So many times have I cried and for whom? Not for myself, for sure but I have and it hurts each time I realize how I am to continue living leaving behind old things and old friends and believe me none of it is worth leaving behind. I feel that somewhere down I have been unable to do things properly. I wish I had the power to set things right, to make things happen, to make people smile and for once see deserving people wining. Why did it have to happen? Why things are going the other way? I fucking cried when I heard about it.
They had said that Adam has to work till he sweats his brows, but here Eves are sweating badly each day for their works to be done. What rubbish is going on? And what’s worse, the blame is shared by one and all, even me, but none is ready to accept the fact. And so I accept my faults and I am sorry that I caused so much trouble to my own self.

I had thought I would write this and I would write that, but don’t know why I am not writing anything out. Tomorrow I am at home, hopefully when I feel it right, I am able to type more and give vent to my feelings. Till then see you all soon. :-)



The saddest part of my day
When you have to leave, and you walk away.
:|

My Friend....

It’s come to this now
I want to say so much for once.
But words won’t come out
Though its time to voice my thoughts.

Those days of endless fights,
When both of us wouldn’t stop.
Those nautankis we both did,
Making the other one sulk.

But today things are not the same
And now I want to say
I will make my words speak
I will speak out for a change.

A smile you brought onto my face
A pat on the back, without a trace.
I knew I found a true friend
Whose friendship shall never efface.

I love fighting with you all the while
The arguments without any rhyme
The stupidity we couldn’t guard ourselves from
I must say that was our best time.

But who said that we have to part?
We are yet to meet each other
And we are miles apart
But you are here, in my heart. <3

Today I apologize for my silly mistakes
And acknowledge your patience being always so considerate.
You are someone who inspires me always
Teaches me to be myself on any given date.

I love you for who you are
I love you for who you are to me
I love you for not just being such a great friend
But also for being the best of my R**i.

Faith by Faith

With those heavy eyes and the dizzy feeling I looked around myself. Everything was a blur. I thought that I had lost my sight. Immediately my instinct was to rub my eyes and try and look around myself once again, just to make sure that my eyes were alright. As soon as I did so, everything was clear in front of my eyes, I could see, my sight wasn’t lost and that was a big relief. But then where was I? This wasn’t my room, the surroundings were different and yet not unfamiliar. It took some time for me to realize that I was in my parent’s room. But as the time was passing by my head grew heavier. It must hardly have been a few minutes and yet again I was feeling dizzy. My head, it felt as if someone was constantly banging a stick on it, and I couldn’t do anything about it. So I cried out,

“Mother… mother, where are you mother?”


My cry seemed spontaneous to me but I waited for a while for an answer. She must reply to me. I have called out for her.


“No one is here dear, but you are alright. Doctor says you are alright.”


I soon recognized the voice; it was that of Nora, my sister. But then why was she answering today? My instincts told me that something wasn’t right after all. I wanted my mother to be my side and she was nowhere to be found. But these bangs on my head kept me from moving even an inch from the bed and go look for her. Once again I was falling asleep, my eyes were closing and I was lost in my sleep.






These memories date back to those days when I was too small to even realize what exactly was going on around me. But the memories of that accident are not clear yet. I try hard to recall, but fail miserably each time. Well it surely was a long time ago. But nothing much has changed since then. I still crave and I still cry and these days the headaches kill me. My questions are not even answered these days. I love being a part of the crowd and yet I have become a kind of a loner. I hardly speak anymore about what I actually want to say. I wear a smile on my face as I see no other way of hiding myself from others.

Hey you know what they say about me? Promise me you won’t laugh. Nevertheless, they say Faith is a lucky girl, so confident, so full of energy; she doesn’t need to hide anything. She is always smiling, always so cheerful. They say Faith has everything in her to be a winner, they say they love her, and all their prayers are with her. But what they don’t know is that Faith has her existence in faith itself. She isn’t the person people think she is. Nonetheless undoubtedly Faith is faith. :-)

But Faith is a scared creature. She hates voicing her opinions, her feelings, and her emotions. She hides her pains and sorrows, even from her loved ones. She is afraid and scared. Is this the Faith people had known all this while? No one knows and she is afraid to tell them even.


It was Sports day and Annual Meet in my school, my final year in school. I had worked hard, really hard for it. My teachers were all happy and appreciated my efforts. But I felt incomplete, I felt something was missing. It was her presence; she was missing from the scene. She wasn’t here to witness what I had achieved in school all this while and how much I was loved and appreciated by all. I remember missing my cousin’s engagement for a competition. But I returned for the wedding and you know what, they didn’t even know me anymore. I wasn’t a part of the family as if. But I thought she would stand by me, make me a part of the family who had somehow forgotten about me. I wanted her to be by my side… she wasn’t there. I still wait for her. I want her to look at me and see, but she doesn’t and I still live by faith.

I am a big girl now in fact a lady… elegant, graceful, charming, just as a lady is supposed to be. But why do I wear my hair so clumsily? Why do I dress up so badly? Only for her to notice me once and correct my ways and manners, to make me into that girl again who is missing for a long time now. But I still am waiting for her look. She hasn’t turned around yet. I still wait for her. I still live by faith.

But now it is time, my hour of departure. I am once again all alone, sitting and staring at those vacant walls of my room. Diagnosed with last stage of cancer, they say I will leave soon. They have lost faith now, and even Faith has lost faith which was her only cause for survival. Though I still wait for her and she is nowhere to be seen. I will close my eyes soon, so they tell me, forever. But for once I want my cries to be answered by no one else, only her. Will she reply if I cry out loud this one time? Will she come back to me? Will you mother?

“Mother… mother, where are you mother?”





“I am here my child, right beside you dear, I am here.”


It was her voice, I know it was hers. She finally did reply to me. She is here, is she? I can’t wait any longer and so I turn around and yes she is here. Draped in white, the angelic face, I thought I wouldn’t recognize her. But here she was, right beside me, her hands stretched out towards me. I ran, ran a little closer and there was a slight pain in my heart but now I am with her. We are together, Faith and her mother. My holy hour has come, my faith has been answered. She is calling for me, and maybe she had always done so. But I in my blindness, in my ignorance must have mistaken it to be something else. I know she could not have forgotten about me. I finally get to see her, to feel her touch, she is my mother. The only person I lived for. Maybe she was not here all this while, to make me feel how much others too care about me, maybe to love me a little more when things weren’t all that right, to show that even though she was gone, I was not alone. I want to cry out today, cry a little louder but my tears won’t just fall from my eyes. I clear my blurred vision only to realize we both have transcended our homely abodes and now we are together… forever. Faith’s faith has survived the test of times, the test of life and death. Her faith is reawakened, by her being dead. She lives by it, it is her only existence. I love you mother, Faith loves you mother. I loved you all this while and shall love you till the end of our new lives. Faith is alive being dead…once again… Faith lives by faith. :)

Nostalgia....

Another day and yet another hurdle I face all on my own. At times I wish I just wasn't this strong but now I know God choose me to be so. I love the wait, the challenges, the uncertainity called LIFE. I am ready now, ready for more.

By the way, being blessed with some of the greatest people as friends, I know my luck is changing for the best. :)

Dead n Gone

When I took a step further...I realized I took two steps backwards...I progressed in pace I didn't know how to cope with. But they tell me this is life and this is how life progresses. I guess I am ready for it now :) ALL READY!!!!

The world is not a perfect place to be free...

When the lights go off,
When Life goes on,
When I sit here alone
And you came along.

With you came the breeze,
Which touched you and me.
With you came the smile,
The smile I waited for all this while.

With you came that love
Came that look, came the touch.
I waited for you all this time
And now I know,you are all mine.

When the lights go off
And when life goes on
And I sit here with you,
I am no more alone. :-)

I still have a desire

ιt dιsgusts мє to sєє thαt
ι αм stιll αlιvє.
ιt dιsgusts мє to sєє thαt
ι αм yєt to dιє.
мy hαиds, мy lєgs, мy ƒαсє, мy αямs,
мy ьlood, мy ьoиєs, мy hєαяt, ιts сhαям
αll sєєм to shout ιи vαιи, αs
Thєy αll wαиt to ƒєєl soмє ραιи
αиd so
ι hαvє α dєsιяє
To sєє мy owи ьody
ьuяи oи thє ƒuиєяαl ρyяє.

єvєяy ιисh ιиsιdє oƒ мє
Sєємs to sсяєαм αиd shout.
єvєяy ιисh ιиsιdє oƒ мє
Shouts out α lιttlє loud.
Thєy αll kиow thαt
ι wιll gιvє uρ too sooи.
Thєy αll gяow ιмραtιєиt
To мєєt thιs dooм.
αиd so
ι hαvє α dєsιяє
To sєє мy owи sєlƒ
ьuяи oи thє ƒuиєяαl ρyяє.





It disgusts me to see that
I am still alive.
It disgusts me to see that
I am yet to die.
My hands, my legs, my face, my arms,
My blood, my bones, my heart, its charm
All seem to shout in vain, as
They all want to feel some pain
And so
I have a desire
To see my own body
Burn on the funeral pyre.

Every inch inside of me
Seems to scream and shout.
Every inch inside of me
Shouts out a little loud.
They all know that
I will give up too soon.
They all grow impatient
To meet this doom.
And so
I have a desire
To see my own self
Burn on the funeral pyre.

Your song...

เ รเ† ђэяэ †๏иเφђ†
ลร เ ωลเ† ƒ๏я †ђэ รµиℓเφђ†
เ รเ† ђэяэ †ђเикเиφ
ωเℓℓ เ э√эя ¢ล†¢ђ ý๏µ รเφђ†?
ωเℓℓ ý๏µ э√эя ¢๏мэ вล¢к †๏ мэ
๏я ωเℓℓ เ נµร† вэ ลℓяเφђ†?


I sit here tonight
As I wait for the sunlight
I sit here thinking
Will I ever catch your sight?
Will you ever come back to me
Or will I just be alright?

I've just seen a face

I always want to write so much but then I fear the fact that others might just get to know about me a little too much. But then I guess its time I write some things. Well I recently this wonderful novel- I TOO HAD A LOVE STORY, which somehow made me feel good and also made me feel bad. There were things which reminded me a lot about myself and there were things which have not happened to me personally and yet I could feel them. Nonetheless it was worth all the effort, even though I completed reading it within a night. :-P
Then there are a hell lot of things going on in my life as well. Some are coming in and some are going away. Some will just stare and some will stay. I like the laziness I am surrounded with. I like the people around me (even though not many people are there) but it is good.
By the way I am a little upset as well and waiting for him. He was supposed to come this week but he hasn’t yet arrived. :-( That is so not accepted. But I will wait, wait for him.

And I don’t have much to say. So let’s hope the next time I sit to write I actually have something worth sharing with others. ;-) Till then let LIFE be the stupid tale which the idiot narrates and yet it signifies nothing. :-)

Baby just say yes

Ðøи't kиøw whË®Ë tø §tÅ®t ƒ®øм ÅиÐ whË®Ë tø ËиÐ ît tøÐÅy?
Ðøи't kиøw høw ƒÅ® ø® høw løиg Å®Ë yøµ hË®Ë tø §tÅy?
î §ît hË®Ë wîth ©lø§ËÐ Ëy˧ ÅиÐ î §ît hË®Ë tø ρ®Åy
ρ®Åy tø ©hË®î§h Åll thË мøмËиt§ wË §hÅ®ËÐ hË®Ë tøgthË®
î Åм hÅρρy thÅt yøµ Å®Ë hË®Ë tø §tÅy, иøw ÅиÐ ƒø®ËvË®
ÅиÐ î Åм §µ®Ë wË wîll мÅkË ît hÅρρËи...hÅρρËи §øмËÐÅy


Don't know where to start from and where to end today?
Don't know how far or how long are you here to stay?
I sit here with closed eyes and I sit here to pray
Pray to cherish all the moments we shared here togther
I am happy that you are here to stay,now and forever
And I am sure we will make it happen...happen someday

Right round....

God knows what is wrong in here? It’s kind of difficult to see myself like this. Haven’t felt much since the day things changed from bad to worse. But then somehow I carried on, without stopping or stooping ever. Some smiled, and some laughed. Some helped and some loved, so many things happened all together and it seems like a lifetime but I realize it has only been three years. Three long years and now when I go back to the first day of college I can clearly remember the energy and vitality we all possessed. The small traces of innocence still in our smiles and that gleam of love in our eyes. A lot has been lost since then and a lot has been gained as well. What is lost is long gone and should not be taken into account. What matters now are the things we gained during these wonderful three years? Those special moments, those days when things would somehow turn out to be right and even those days when nothing seemed right. Those walk back from college, those early morning waiting for each other, the greeting and the sharing, the meals we had together, those lovely rooms where we sat together and enjoyed each of the lectures in our own ways, those pens which stopped working in the middle of some note, those pages which were filled by them, those books we all strived to read and finish as soon as possible, those assignments, those observations we were always asked to put forward, those bunking of classes either for a movie or even just for chilling with friends. Everything holds a really special position today. Today when I look back and see those thousand images flashing in front of my eyes I feel like am lost once again. Lost in the crowd where I don’t see those same smiles and there isn’t any safe hands to catch hold of me if I fall. How can I forget all these? How can I forget what this place has given to me? how can I forget that now I am stronger than before, I feel more now, I see through things more clearly now. I have gained a lot from this place and I hope I have been able to give a lot back as well in my own small efforts towards the institution.
Friends have been an integral part in this lovely journey and I respect each one of my friends and feel whether for good or for bad we all came together, saw the best and worst of each other and accepted only those who we felt were right for us. No problems with anyone and yes if we ever meet…I promise to be the same. the same crazy girl! Lets hope that we all do well in our respective fields and frankly speaking I guess, in fact I am sure I AM GONNA MISS YOU ALL!!!!!!!
Leaving might be a compulsion for each one of us but I guess we won’t leave each other so soon…stay in touch and most importantly STAY AHEAD AND STAY AWARE!!!


LOVE YOU ALL

Mwaaaaaaaaaaahhhhzzzzzz!!!!!!

~~~~~~Tripti

I will never forget...

Did I ever expect that this can happen to me? I had denied this for so long but now I must admit that I will miss college a lot. Others will be surprised to listen to this as all they ever got to know from my college is that I HATE IT and today I agree that I will miss it bad. My friends, those benches, those classes, the blackboard, the chalk. Shit I don’t want to leave it all behind me. how can I forget those rooms where we had all those great moments? How can I forget that I met some of my very dear friends in this institution? How can I forget the best of days I spent here? How can I forget it? How can you even think that I will forget it?
Stupidly enough I have tears in my eyes while I type this all out but then I will miss college a lot. The early morning greetings, those gossips, those canteen addas, those meeting of friends, waiting for them till there class gets over…I will miss college a lot.

Love you all…seriously whether for good or for bad I am glad that I came here and got to know myself. May these moments stay with us forever and may each one of us do well in life.

Amen

When will I be able to sleep again???

So many times I want to cry, but I just can’t. At times I wish tears would just roll out of my eyes and nothing could stop them. But then there it stands my image, me as the super strong female who can never be shaken. And by now even I feel that I emerge rock solid in most of the crisis situations I find myself in. And that helps me a lot getting to know something new and special about myself everyday.
Life is surely funny and lovely at the same time. At times I laugh and the very next moment… I love everything about my life. Every step as if is like a hurdle I seem to cross over and stand victorious on this mortal ground.

“PERCHANCE he for whom this bell tolls may be so ill, as that he
knows not it tolls for him; and perchance I may think myself so
much better than I am, as that they who are about me, and see my
state, may have caused it to toll for me, and I know not that.”
[John Donne]

Great things have I encountered lately. Great desire have cropped up in my heart about those days which are still to come. But somehow life is going on, somehow everything is just about fine and I am still alive. :-)


Holy Sonnet III: O Might Those Sighs And Tears Return Again

O might those sighs and tears return again
Into my breast and eyes, which I have spent,
That I might in this holy discontent
Mourn with some fruit, as I have mourned in vain;
In mine Idolatry what showers of rain
Mine eyes did waste! what griefs my heart did rent!
That sufferance was my sin; now I repent;
'Cause I did suffer I must suffer pain.
Th' hydropic drunkard, and night-scouting thief,
The itchy lecher, and self-tickling proud
Have the remembrance of past joys for relief
Of comming ills. To (poor) me is allowed
No ease; for long, yet vehement grief hath been
Th' effect and cause, the punishment and sin. >
[John Donne ]

Time has come for me to say my goodbyes. Soon my route will change, soon the turn will compel me to walk alone once again and yet I am supposed to pretend as if nothing ever happened and that life has been fun living out here with all of you. Though it has made me cry and laugh, I cherish all those moments which made me smile. :-)

Love Comes Again...

It wasn’t one of my very good days. I didn’t know why people tend to get angry on me so easily and most of the times it’s not even me whom they are angry at. Anyway, the bottom line is that no matter what somehow or the other, when I start thinking that things are changing for the better, life gets more complicated. The knot feels tighter around my neck and I know not how to react or whom to turn towards to. And even though it has happened a few days earlier, this Monday to be precise, and it is Friday already and I still haven’t been able to forget it. What great memory I posses or should I say how easily people affect me always. Gosh, it goes above the top half the times. Half the times I wait for a smile and yet get none, half the times I have to take attitude which is so uncalled for. But then I guess that is all I deserve and can get at the moment. :-D

So finally I said what I had to and yet there are still so many things which go unmentioned. So many dreams which are trampled upon, so many hopes crushed under the blender called life, so many smiles rolling out like tears from the eyes.

But in the middle of all this chaos when a stranger smiles at you, gives the warmth you so look forward to. A small greeting and life seems worth a million years. The above mentioned incident had made not just my days a nightmare but even my internals. I don’t really want to talk about them. So whatever, on the day of my last internals, I had to meet this senior of mine. And after we met, I noticed two tall and damn smart looking foreigners in one of the shops, but didn’t bother much. The taller foreigner did attract my attention because he must have been more than 6feet tall. :D so not bothering about either of them I carried on with my conversation with my senior and then they came beside us to walk past us and we were supposedly blocking their way, so I moved away then the taller one looked at me, me giving my peculiar high-eye-browed expression, and said “Namastey” and then even bothered to look back after obviously crossing us and then that smile. That was a very strange smile. Such a smile which seemed to refresh me. A smile, which others crave for. And … Perhaps I am over-assuming out here but then at the moment I felt like even I am alive and I am no piece of crap.

Anyways thanks to those two strangers who made my day and now even though I become a punch-bag, I won’t care to care about those who don’t care to care about me.

:D :D

Leave...right now!!!!!!!!!!!

Why the fucking hell can’t these creatures live their own fucking lives? They can never ever be fucking happy with what they have and can’t see others being happy with their own lives. I do what I feel like. And I give a damn to what others think or have to say about me. They can fuck rot with their own fucking lives. I know where I stand and how much ground I hold under my feet and I don’t need others…especially a special few telling me what to do or what not to do when they themselves don’t know a fucking shit about life. Anyways…life is far better than bothering about these few shitty heads who know not a bit about me and I rather not bother to show them the real me…cause they deserve far worse things in life. :-D


Anyways had to blabber out a few things which I just did. It pertains to no one specific…

Lattooo......

It was a Monday…and I always look forward to it. Obviously two days without the God is just too much. So as always the ambience is very important. Let me try and build it up a bit.
The bright morning star was shinning. And still the cold wind seemed to interrupt my thoughts and churn me out of my day dreaming. I so wanted to close the other window but don’t know how it just wouldn’t shut on its own and so I had to do the honors. And I came too too sat on my seat and there again, why cant for a change others not shout my name out loud in the middle of all this crapping? At times I wish I was deaf and dumb but even that wouldn’t have helped because I definitely would have been much better than everyone else in the room as always. :-) So anyways I turn back to see why my name was shouted out so loud and then God appeared. The divine apparition…the sweetest memory…the sweetest sin on Earth :D That was my God there…my muse…my magic. And I was sitting right there where I always sit to worship. And today the white had a natural glow of its own. He speaks really well and he spoke well that day even. But suddenly I saw the window was closed. Who had closed it? How come suddenly out of the black it was closed? And there sitting He gave a look none of us had seen before. He was getting old indeed and soon it will be time for a new member to join in and I was shattered thinking how life would be without any of it. But that is how things are. Some things come and some things go. Some stay back forever even we might not know why? But I was sure things will change soon. I didn’t wanted reality to creep in so fast. And the God was lost in the brightness that day. And I saw the face perhaps the first time. The dull old face was losing its vigor and patience. There was never a glow there. There was never the inspiration here. I was not even alive for him. I, who worshipped…who loved to see him here and there, now and nowhere. It was painful but it was cool so as to say. I still love to love my God thinking that He actually existed…and now even though I know I was in an illusion I don’t mind going back to my world now and then.

LOVE AT FIRST NIGHT

Preface to “Love at first night”

Inspired by one of my greatest nightmares, I sit to write this out. I have changed the names of the real-life characters I saw in my incomplete nightmare and have tried to give it some kind of an end. And being a part of my subconscious mind and my conscious mind this piece of fiction bears no resemblance to anyone living or dead. Any resemblance is purely co-incidental and unintentional. But nonetheless today I sit after almost one and a half months to share it with everyone.

LOVE AT FIRST NIGHT

It was a lazy day for me and so I decided to switch on the television set and let myself loose in the cheap entertainment we so rely upon these days. Nothing good was being aired on the TV as always. It was a hot day for all of us and sitting indoors under the fan was a far better option than being out. The hall was not invaded by any one except me until now. But then I heard footsteps. I turned back to see him standing there. Somehow I had completely forgotten about him. It had been a day of him, living with us, for the 5-days long vacation.
Cody’s mom and my mom were real close friends though I was completely unaware of the fact that he was Kitty Aunt’s son. Born and brought up with his grandparents, Cody had little resemblance with any of his own immediate parents. And now he was studying in my college. This was his first year at college and I was on the verge of leaving the college.
Anyways back to where I was. I had totally forgotten about Cody and now he was definitely looking for some company. Alice, my elder sis, was on the computer, “time-passing” away to glory. So I couldn’t really ask Cody to sit on the computer. The only other option was to hand over the TV remote to him and I was not ready to part with such a precious possession to someone I hardly knew. So I asked him which room he wants to settle for the coming days. And to my utter misery he chose my room. I was completely devastated to realize that I have to get my possessions out of my own precious little room. Though it was a deal between me, di and mom, to let the guy chose his room and stay out of our lives; I had decorated the guest room so nicely. :-( This was so unfair and hard on me. I felt warm tears touching my cheeks. But then he didn’t seem to notice. Thank God for that.
With a mournful and pensive mood I went to my room to take my precious things when the telephone rang. I wished and prayed for Kitty Aunty to call us up and say that she needs Cody to go back to her for the vacation. But adding to my miseries it was my Granny who announced her visit to our place for the next whole week. Gosh now that was a bigger pain… And Oh No! I don’t even get the guest room to myself.
I went back to my room and saw Cody sitting on my bed. I casually asked him what he was up to and all he said was: “You know you are so lucky. You have such a beautiful and cozy room. I wish I could stay here like forever”.
“Huh? Are you serious? Do you even know that because of you I now have no place to sleep in the house?” My anger puked out on his face. And shit, I went red. But he didn’t say a word to me. Good for him or else I was planning to bash him up and throw him away to some garbage yard. :D
Later in the evening when Alice left the computer I politely asked Cody to go and enjoy the pleasures offered by the virtual world. I was sure he never had a girl friend in his life, for he was definitely not the mixing type. Rather I expected him to have a virtual love relationship. Gosh, some still believe in that crap. None of my business though. So he sat on the computer and my Granny arrived with her seven big brown bags, (I guess she needs one bag per day to make herself going. :P )
We had our dinner and Cody said that he wasn’t hungry. Who is concerned? Well for sure mom is. After eating the delicious meal prepared especially for the monkey (Cody) on the computer I was happy that at least I was getting a wholesome meal for a change at our home. “Mom, that surely was a great meal”. After this I seriously wanted to lie down for a while and go into the darker and deeper aspects of life…not death but sleep when one can forget all the stupid events of the day and rest for a while only to wake up in a world full of realities which hurt. I still was angry about my room. :-(
Unable to find a place to rest I went inside Alice’s room to sleep for a while. I noticed that Cody was still on the computer. Now all my doubts are cleared. The loser lives practically in the virtual world and definitely lacks a real life. Anyways that is none of my concern.
“Hey Cody, I am sleeping here for a while. When Alice comes, just wake me up and yeah, do carry on with whatever you doing”. Eh! He turns red whenever I say anything to him. Strange creature!!! After saying so I turned my back to the computer and closed my eyes.
Oh!! What peace. My shoulders were a little tensed and I was thinking of getting myself a massage the very next day. Oh no! I don’t want another day with the creep moving around in the house and my room. Why God why???
Suddenly something happened to me…all I could feel was warm inside me. What was wrong? Hey what was that on my lips? Why did it feel so warm and so sweet? So true, pure and absolutely blissful…what was it? I haven’t felt like this ever and my lips were getting wet as well. There was something sweet about it. Sweeter than all the chocolates I run after. Hey, IT WAS MY FIRST KISS.
Who the fuck is it? I have kissed people [as in guys also] earlier but never on the lips. Who dared do that to me suddenly? I got out of the bed to find that Cody wasn’t on the computer and rather there was different wallpaper on my desktop. It stated: “No matter whether you get to know or not…no matter if you see or not…You must always know that I know you, I see you and would do so till my senses and eyes and my life give up on me”.
What sweet lines were they… While reading them I sat on the computer to find a folder named after me “Tara”. And I am Tara. :-)
I was so excited now. I opened the contents of the folder and to my utter surprise I found my pictures which I didn’t even know existed. And was that me? So pretty…How was that even possible?
I changed the wallpaper and moved the folder to a safe place where no one could see. But he was two years younger to me. Can all this be possible or am I just imagining things? Is this a prank of some kind? God, what is it all about? All kinds of stupid things were now coming to my mind and I had to go up to my room.
Granny, “Tara dear, come here for a while. Can you help me out? I can’t find my slippers and I am dead tired now”.
“Not now Granny”, I wanted to shout so badly but instead I ran here and there frantically searching for her slippers. Why the hell does all this have to happen now? And there it was. I gave her the slippers and send her off to sleep in the guest room. And I was climbing the stairs when mom called me.
“Tara, I guess you have to share the room tonight with Cody. Dear, I know how much you love your privacy but don’t worry I have set another bed there as well and I am sure you will be alright”.
“Okay mom, as if I have options”. I hid my excitement there. :D
I remember when I would go out with the whole gang, we guys and girls would be in the same room and we managed pretty well because we were best of friends. Anyways, finally I climbed the stairs to my room. He was sitting on the bed mom had made beside the window. He was looking out of the window, his back, towards me as I entered the room,
“Tara, you might be surprised but I have loved you since the day your mom mailed some of your family pictures to us. I kept on looking at those pictures for hours and hours and I couldn’t understand how someone could be so happy? Though I saw, there was something missing in your eyes. Some pictures had a lovely glow in them and the recent ones missed them. I wondered what was wrong. Then I clicked some of my own pictures and noticed I never had that glow in me. I googled your name and got to know as much as I could. Somehow I even got hold of your own personal blog and it made me wonder how I will ever reach for the stars. I wanted to reach to you, to touch you, to tell you that even I am here with you, to love you even though you might not know me. I was in the 12th standard, when I decided to join your college. I wanted to see you, and what I saw was more beautiful than I had pictured. I wanted to reach out to you when you were waiting alone in the canteen the other day for your union meeting. I waited in the canteen till you had not left for the meeting. When Saki introduced me to you, I purposely didn’t say anything about my mom. I noticed you ever since I came to college. I am sorry to interrupt in your life but I couldn’t help but see how good you were to others, even to me when you offered the chloromint and stupidly enough, I refused. I could have taken it and kept it with me for like, forever, but I refused. How could I ever say no to you? And today when you were sleeping peacefully, I couldn’t control myself. I am sorry to have offended you like this and I never thought that we would have to sleep in the same room. All I ever want you to know is that you have kept me going for long. When I didn’t have someone to talk to, I would talk to you. It is more than a year now that I have loved you day in and out, without you knowing. And even if you say no to me I would not mind because what matters to me the most is that you are happy and safe.”
I was speechless; I didn’t know what to do? I closed the door behind me, locking the two lost creatures inside the room and went up to him and hugged him. He didn’t touch me that night after the kiss saying that it was a big mistake. I don’t know why but I felt it was my first kiss that made me fall in love with Cody…
And today when I look back it was just like yesterday. But the fact is we are married now for ten long years and when I look at our 7 year old Zack, I feel I am the luckiest person alive. Mom and Dad had initially protested to both of us but gradually they understood what mattered was not age but understanding between the two. Cody is still so loving and caring and I still feel the warmth in his kiss, it still is so sweet and yes I found the word…heavenly. And it still feels like the first day, like the first kiss. We have been each others first and last love and as I am getting ready to close my eyes into the darker and deeper world of the dead I want everyone to know how very special Cody is to me. How the magic happened between us…and how cruel can God’s plans be. He never cries in front of me despite knowing that I am leaving him forever… And I don’t know what will happen next but I am sure he will do great without me. He is my best buddy, my first and last love, my life, my husband and I couldn’t be anything without him. He knows how much I love him and he knows I cry myself to sleep these days and yet he greets me with a smile every morning. Oh! How badly I want it to be like our first night together… in my room… when we sat… and saw the starry night turn into day…how the rays of the sun warmed us both together and how we promised to be stand by each other forever. I am not going to be with him any longer... I am leaving sooner than anticipated… but… IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST NIGHT… it was MAGICAL… and how I wish this magic could last a little long. :-)