Saturday, January 21, 2012

Life... through me...!!!


Life is becoming complicated by the day. I wonder what exactly I am still doing here. Yet somehow I drag on and I try my best to keep my head held high. But these days I feel so restless and irritated with myself that I can give no logical explanation for it. Seems like logic has lost its importance in my life. I remember being the confident girl who had every eye on her, criticizing her, taunting her, embarrassing her, yet she was strong enough to bear it all. But now I think that girl is lost somewhere. No matter how much I try to put the mask up, someway or the other I keep on losing out on it.

Some days back we had actually had a conversation while fighting. A lot of things which were unsaid finally came out of their wraps. And I was, for a change relieved because those things had eaten up my mind for such a long time. Seems like mom and dad too had forgotten about them, but no one knew how badly I was shaken and affected when actually I had to go through all of it. But as some poet had said, I can’t remember who, our best songs are of our saddest emotions. And I so clearly remember one of my compositions, I AM UGLY. Well it might not be a very fantastic piece of work, but for me it says the best of my emotions. And I love myself inside out and every part of me is vital to me. Only I am aware of things which I have experienced and no words can actually express it. But I try hard to express myself because I know keeping things inside me is not the best way to live through life. And the position I am right now in, it feels so frustrating to see how well I could have dealt with it, and how helpless I feel right now.

I remember always being the friendly one, the chirpy one, as many would describe, happy go lucky girl. But then there has always been a part of me which was hidden from the rest. No matter how much my expressions give away my feelings, what truly lies beneath me, stays underneath forever. And yes I did made a mistake of sharing my deepest thoughts with this someone special, with whom I thought things would turn out to be the best. But look at my over confidence and my ego, I never ever can accept that the fault lies in me. I never tried to stop it from happening. No matter how much I was scared about the future, I now know that I should expect nothing of it. From where I stand today it seems like there is no hope at all. My sleepless nights are driving me crazy. My crazy dreams are making me irritated and scared all the more. The smile I wear on my face everyday is starting to wear off. I seriously have no idea how I will deal with things anymore.

Yesterday while returning from my bro’s place, I was as always cribbing about my life. Well frankly I have no idea what I am really up to and what I am trying to do with my life. As clueless as ever, I feel like walking towards something I have neither idea about nor even the intention to walk any further. But something keeps me from giving up and yet I keep on walking. It is actually senseless of me to expect anything out of my life at all. The days I have gone through, only I know how I have survived through them. The pains stabs like a death wound. Anyways so as I was saying, dad told me that my life has only begun and that I need not worry about things because somehow or the other they will work out for the best. But how should I tell him or make him understand that things are quite different that what he perceives it to be. I know he has seen life in a much better way than I have, yet I have lost hope. And the positive me is just lost somewhere these days.

None the less I am here writing out everything. Well for a change I decided to keep my blog updated. It’s been such a long time that I have been writing for and I want to continue to do so. Writing is something which makes me feel happy and satisfied about myself and my life. It’s an absolute pleasure to see and perceive things and then to decorate them with the few words I have in my vocabulary. I know I am no award winning writer or something, but someday I hope that I will be known for my writings. After all they are an eternal part of me and who I am.

I need a distraction badly. And I know not where I will find such a distraction. Well things are very much different now. You know what I had this weird dream about this guy, one amongst the many; I have a stupid crush on. Actually it is not a crush; it’s just a liking from the far. Well anyways as I was saying, in this weird dream of mine, he came up to me and hugged me so tightly. In fact I want a hug pretty badly these days and there is absolutely no one to understand that need of mine nor am I able to make anyone understand about it. And also weirdly enough I was crying and the moment I felt the hugged, I was enveloped in these warm arms which seemed to protect me from the outside world. I felt safe and secure in those arms. I don’t really know what my dream was trying to tell me, but one thing is for sure, my dream made it pretty clear to me that am virtually depressed from the inside. The people around me fail to see it nor have I the intentions of making it clear to anyone of them.

Hey in office, I have met a few very good people and I have really happy to interact with them each day. The stupid jokes we crack and when we pull each other’s leg. It is all too much funny. I wish each of them great lives to come.

More on my stupid little useless and hopeless life later. Take care till then…

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Random ramblings....!!!


Somehow life is getting a little more difficult for me to live. I am so absolutely clueless about things around me. And the worst part I absolutely have no control over anything at all. Trying my best to keep my good spirits up, I fail to understand that there are powers much greater than me at work. Not only metaphorically but it’s a reality. And frankly I am out of words today and am even more confused about my feelings right at this moment, or how I should be feeling right now.

By the way have stopped reading for some weird reason. But I am sure to resume my small adventure back real soon, because I badly need the distraction again soon. Taylor has been a blessing for me indeed. That guy has no clue, but he has been such a big help and support for me all this while. Bless you Taylor Lautner. And also I think I must confess, that keeping up the pretense of liking Lautner, has made me actually like him now. So after the super duper roller coaster crush and love and loss of Hugh Jackman, my hopes have revived in the form of Taylor Lautner. How ironical it is indeed. In both the scenarios, I am well aware that I am an over-reacher and yet I have so very many hopes of these rendezvous’ of mine. Nonetheless I must admit that both Hugh and Taylor have been a great source of support, inspiration, admiration and most of all distraction for me. And no matter what I shall always remember you guys for this.

Well something happened lately of which I don’t know much of comment or say about. But I absolutely hate it when people have to suffer because of me. I am not aware of how things will be in the future, nor have I the desire to hopelessly predict it, I just want everyone to be happy around me and also I don’t want to cause trouble for everyone. And believe me when I say everyone, I mean everyone.

I did my advance birthday shopping, and I haven’t ever spent so very much on shopping. :P and now me thinking why did I had to spend so much. I will have to keep a track of my spending. I don’t want to end up spending more than what I earn.

Also I met a lot of good people indeed. And believe me when I say this, we go crazy together… and it is like actual crazy, talking about everything crappy possible on earth and yet each one of us has the ability to laugh with others as well as to laugh at ourselves. Well I hope both of these creatures I am talking about have a great future and a super awesome life to look forward to.

As already known I am in a very weird phase of a break-up where I and Ron still are unable to keep away from each other and end up talking over the phone and sharing stuff. I am also going through this weird crush phase, where I am having random crushes on these guys around me. Well to be exact the count now is… 7. And stupid I am thinking now it is not enough. Back in college days we used to have such random crushes which would crash every other minute or two. Anyways this reminds me about those crazy days when I had a Nature Boy in my life… :P Those days were fun. Wow! How much I wish I was back in school or college, not university of course. :D

I heard Prof.CG lef t CU. Well I wish the man best of everything and I will miss him for his absolutely outstanding classes for Christabel. I remember being apprehensive at the beginning of the year, when I came to know that one of my favorite poets, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, was to be taught by anyone else except Prof.BD. Oh! How can I forget those classes of Kubla Khan, when I would literally hang on the words spoken by my very own Greek God? He was flawless and just perfect. Prof. BD had created such a high level of expectations within me that I found it hard to believe that anyone has the capability to reach that level. But it was Prof. CG who proved me so very wrong. Those days of Christabel shall always be in my mind. Thanks to both of my professors. I am seriously going to miss some great days and moments of my life.

I just realized that I have written quite a lot. Hopefully will be able to update certain cool things or maybe a poem or two soon. Just waiting for the right kind of inspiration. By the way my last poem about the Angel Face was written when I went to visit the Doctor for Mom. :P Anyways more updates later… got to go now.!!!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

An Angel Face...


It was one of those many days,
When I felt like going all away
And yet I was here, waiting for my turn,
Looking around faces unknown, just for some fun.
It was then that something bright caught me by surprise
Right around the room, at one corner he stood and smiled.
A face so sweet and so innocent
I could feel his happiness and it was so pleasant.
His perfect smile so subtle and angelic,
His eyes sparkled when he looked towards me.
It was surprising to see how he kept on smiling
Disappointed, just to realize that it wasn’t for me.
The smile so special and so very precious
Went across me to someone he truly treasured.
It was his life which he had smiled upon
It was his wife who was standing around.
His child slept peacefully in her arms
I am sure he too will have his father’s smile so warm.
So this is how an angel face came alive
Just to add to my sweet memory of a sweet smile.