Living Dead

Its really been long that I have shared my feelings with anyone. Friends have slowly and steadily been going away from me and that too no fault of mine. The worst part I have no one to turn to, who can hug me and hear me out cry. Why Cry? Well to begin with from the middle of this year things have been going haywire. I have been accused, been called names (trust me names which I would not even dare to use for even my enemies), and all this happened in front of my parents. My very dear and lovely parents who would have never ever dream in their worst nightmares, that they would have to face anything like this. My respect and reputation in my office has been lost long back but in front of my parents and my family, that was something I had never anticipated. If only I had been a little more clever enough and heard my parents and never ever indulged in any kind of relationship. I hardly mix my professional life with my personal life. But such turn of events have caused much turmoil in both my professional and my personal life. Thanks to my dearest parents who have stood by me since day one and still have faith and trust in me. I know it is very difficult for them, yet they are here for me and I will always be grateful to God for sending me to such great parents. I love them a lot.

Amidst all this rubbishness I have lost a lot of my friends. Well its a price I pay for believing and trusting someone blindly, I have never been fooled this well in my life. Anyways so friends have been leaving my side and I cannot really say anything to them. At best each day I pray for their well being and I hope everyone does great in their own lives.

Now for the worst news of all, I lost my dearest Grandmother, my Chaiji this year. O! how I wish she would not have suffered like this. I know she is happy wherever she is, but her pain and suffering, I could not stand it. And I realized that at the end of the day we all are alone in our pain and our sufferings. I will always miss her and I wish her a happy journey.
I could not cry you know, I had no one to turn towards and cry. I had to be strong for my family, for my father who did everything he could, for my mother because she was so close to Chaiji and had dedicated her life for her. I could not cry because then it would have hurt my Chaiji who knows I am very strong. Every day before going to office, she would ensure to look at me and compliment me, will definitely say that I am looking good and that I have grown up so much, so soon. I am about to join back office and I seriously don't feel like looking good anymore because besides her hardly has anyone noticed me. But I know she is observing me from every nook and corner. I may not have been her favorite grandchild nor have I cried the most on her last farewell, but I know she understands and wants me to be strong, for my parents, for my family, to keep them busy and happy.
I want such a tight hug now and I don't even know who I can turn towards to. Because frankly none of my friends understand, nor do they have the inclination to stand by my side to see through me.

Now is the time when I change a little more. Things will be different from here on. I will not be the same. I know I cannot be the same anymore. I have so much to do and so little time left with me. Wish me great luck Bhagwanji, I need it this time. Please be by my side the way you have always been. Here is to life, with all of its ups and downs.

A SiMpLe WiSh

The soothing wind
The thoughts within
The troubles, the care
The worries, the stare
The endless search
For a peaceful fare...
WELL...!!!

It is YOU...!!!

And the thought
Of us together
Is out, forever
From this mind.

But this stupid heart,
Happy and grateful
For each of those parts
Of life which you made beautiful.

No promises in return
No expectations set
And yet, I know
Somehow you will be there.

Can never call you my life
'Cause I still somehow survive
Without you
And I still manage to smile.

Cannot even tag you a friend
I have seen friendship too ends
You are more than
Words can ever mend.

Thanks for your presence
Thanks for making me write again
Thanks for all those moments
Which shall last till the very end.is


DISCLAIMER : Some of my friends assumed that this poem here is for my Ex, but guys just to make clear this poem here is for someone really very special to me. We may always be friends, but then that is the best relationship anyone could ever have defined for the human race. Please any assumptions and presumptions regarding who this man could be or any speculations... kindly clear your doubts with me and do not indulge in idle conversations. Thank You!

Reach Out...?!?!?!?!!!!

It has been so long that I have stared and admired you from far. It has been so long that now I wonder that I even exist for you. It is great to just see you around and that I actually smile to myself... that is kind of being childish but yet feels great. Feels good. You have been admired and adored by so many that my existence would not matter. But when you poke back and whenever you look at me and smile or even a Hi, that is something I cannot describe in words. Some things are better left unsaid but somehow I want to reach out but I am shit scared. I can't even speak properly with you around, how else do you expect me to behave?

Well cheers to me for being courageous enough to stand up for myself and speak a bit of my mind. Cheers to you for the happiness you have given me even though you don't even know about it. But that is the beauty of it. Some day I will look back at these stupid childish days of mine and will still get to smile. Thanks for everything...!!!

From the diary of a dreamer...!!!!

DAMN YEARS...!!!

Another damn year of my life is gone

Another damn year is here to dawn

Another damn year to fake the smiles

Oh! Can I handle another year of all these lies?

Another year to walk down the same filthy street

Another year of me, my life, and its hopeless treats

Another year of expectations to fulfill.

Another year to disappoint, I know I will.

A year filled of warm greetings so fake

Another year to give and it is for them to take.

Another damn year of my life is gone

And here I am, contemplating about it alone

Another year of wishes, of happiness which fade

Another year to cry, to remember what is dead.

Another year I think I have to survive

Oh! How I wish I just could have died.

No more of the years can I let go by

No more of it is in me that I can afford to rise

Another year of poor me to survive

Oh! And I remember, a year closer to my last ride.

Written a day after my birthday (11th of Feb), I am always filled with sad and pensive thoughts. Not to discourage someone or something, but unfortunately it is a part of me which I cannot do away with. And many a times this part of me is the strength in me to face all the things people fear to face alone.

Timepass....

Just imagine, one whole month without me blogging about anything. How very lazy of me? Anyways not much to share about. Just that I got myself a cell phone and a laptop and also have this big plans of getting myself a watch. Believe me the watch is made for me and no doubts about that.

Oh by the way, I would be fasting now. And I guess I am losing weight which is obviously a good thing. And you know out of utter disgust and anger I cut my hair and I regret that every damn day because now my hair looks pathetic and believe me more than my hair, I am in a bigger mess and I don't know how to get out of it. But somehow I am managing to survive it every day.

The worst part I noticed about myself recently is that I am avoiding talking to myself. Even when I am all alone and you know spending time with myself, I am so not talking with myself. I don't know what to do with myself and my stupid thoughts. At times I believe there will be this stupid magic wand which will turn my life around and will bring all the happiness in the world for me. But the very next moment I realize my life is not a stupid Bollywood movie which will have a happy ending. I know things are going to get messier. Just that I am avoiding confrontation right now. I don't know how I am struck in a Bella-kind of situation. At least she was clear about Edward, but it seems like my love for Jacob is proving to be very strong. Oh how I wish Taylor Lautner was all mine and that I get married to him.

Silly of me to even think of such things in such an age. When I should be all mature and wise, I am cooking up these silly plans in my mind. Well the fact remains, all my life all I have been is mature and wise, listening to others, doing things which others like, which is for the others, and being someone I never was. But that doesn't cause sadness, it just shows how easily I can do things for others and be what others want me to be. I always believed there would be someone who would realize what I want for a change and take care of me for a change. But all I ever do is take care of others. I will have to, if I don't want to lose them.

Anyways enough of nonsense. I will have to sit and write sometime real soon. Till then adios amigos....!!!

Cross my heart & hope to die....

So here I am once again speaking after ages about I, me and myself. Well life is so damn funny, you can never predict what is going to be the next situation life is going to throw at you and all you can do is catch it and sustain it and survive it. Anyways philosophy can be left for other days. Here to share a few things which have been in my mind for quite sometime now.

One is already married and the other one is on the verge of getting married. It seems like I am the only one who is left to dwell on her own. Well it wasn’t like I was so very dependent on them that I will not be able to survive on my own but just that without them I don’t know who else to fall back on. People say when you are in a relationship, friends drift away. I have been in a relationship for quite sometime now and have tried my best to keep a balance between my love and my friends. And luckily enough all of my friends have a liking towards my love and prove the very fact that love and friends can survive together. A good combination indeed, as some would like to describe, best of both worlds. But at times you actually will need a friend to share everything with and I am right now missing that the most. Friends have always been an essential part of my being and without friends I kind of feel incomplete. It is true that I go and retrieve to my shell whenever I don’t have my friends around but there are times when I want to be heard and understood and not always be misunderstood. With both my pillars gone, it is kind of tough for me. And frankly speaking no one, and mark me on this, absolutely no one can take the position of my dearos. I will love you guys and cherish every moment spent till the end of life. And I wish you both the best of health, love and life.

Then comes this very dear friend of mine, who, I came to know about today only, deleted me from her facebook friend list. Now I know facebook is not the end of the world or anything. But it is like, she has every other person, people she doesn’t even talk to, in her friend list and choose to delete me. Well I agree I have never been too good a friend for her, but what about the days when I stood up for her, when I fought for her and tried to do things the way she would like it and that she would be happy. Well it is not like I am asking her to give the love I gave her in return of my friendship. I am just kind of hurt and disappointed because I thought we are above all of that. But now it seems like I am not even her friend anymore so why should I mourn and cry, why should I feel hurt when in the true sense of the term, I had never ever been her friend. Well to put it in a better way I treated her like a friend to me, tried to help her in the best of her interests, stood by her whenever she needed a friend and now it has come to this. Anyways it is gone and all the memories which I was so very fond of, will now seem like regret. If only I could know what I had done to deserve such a cold shoulder. And a funny observation, whenever I write a poem about someone, that someone is bound to leave me and not just leave me, hurt me, push me, bruise me, scratch me, and then leave. I guess I should just stop everything; frankly speaking I should just stop living. Is that even possible? Please Bhagwanji for once prove me right and do the possible for me. And believe me that would be the end of me, as you know it.

 Anyways I am way too hurt, disappointed and sad today to even think things right. I so wish I was the kid who is lost now. Why life had to be so very tough? If only….

Cheers to ME...!!!!

Contemplating about the past only seems to reduce the importance of the present, the very presence of things in front of us right here, right now. And presuming about the future only makes us neglect the very presence of things and people who are living with us in the very present.

Well to tell the absolute truth it is our own self who wants to do what it actually feels like. Marveling at the gone and worrying about the coming is what keeps us from enjoying what we have in this very present. But then you can never forget those glorious days of your life when you thought you had championed the very art of living and in the very present you were shattered and scattered that the only relief you get is from living in the past. But is this the right direction one should head towards? Is it the right path to dwell and make living in the present a lot easier? Isn’t it just a means to escape from whatever is going around now? But then doesn’t it give you strength enough to endure the present and hope that soon your glorious past will be championed once again and that you shall once again be the winner you used to be?

So many questions and so many more questions left to be asked and to be answered, in that sequence essentially. And yet we somehow manage to live and survive in this hell hole, hoping and praying (not always though) that someday everything will be as we desire it  to be, that we can be happy with whatever we have and that we can gain a lot more, and hell lot more out of it. But then isn’t that just an illusion, a dream we dream of so often that it has become like a memory now which shall never happen again?

Fearing the coming is so very common in most of the human species that at times we tend to even lose our basic senses thinking about something which is yet to happen. And most of the times (let’s say 99% out of 100%) whatever happens is just the opposite of what we had been dreading all the while. Reminiscing the past and hoping for a better future is one of the most sort after part time hobby of Homo sapiens. And that is exactly what I am indulging into at this very moment and well I can’t seem to help myself from realizing the fact that my past was way better than what I am facing at this present moment (and by that I don’t mean my lappy’s screen….on a lighter note). And yes I dread whatever is waiting in the future for me because I am unsure of the security of my future and I don’t know whether I will be able to endure being a loser for such a long time. My strength already has started giving up on me; I am unsure whether or not I will be able to hold onto it any longer. Will I be strong enough to face the future with a smile on my face and act as if nothing affects me, as if I am super strong that even the hurts and the pain would just bypass me?

Many of my fears are hidden (for some it might be all see-through) in the lines above. Some of my worst secrets have been revealed which I know has always been unnoticed by those around me and yet I manage to stand strong on my feet, all alone and yet full of I, me and myself.

Here’s me hoping for a better 2013 where self realization doesn’t lets me down and when I can choose what is good for me and not what is good for others. This is the year to selfish and to bypass the fears and live life to its fullest. All the very best to me…

Cheers….!!!!!!!

The Luckiest Me....

What does a girl want in her life? A prince charming, a fairy tale wedding, a loving family, a caring husband. What else can a girl dream of? Luckily the thought processes of people have undergone a change and these days girls want more.

With the rubbish example of Delhi gang rape case at least girls have come out of their shells asking for more, more than just a sham of a marriage. Marriage can never promise security for a woman. Can you vouch for the person whom you are getting married to. Anyways the point I want to make is not about the social sham of marriage but the stupid notion of girls being the weaker section of the society.

Why do we look down on girls who wear hot pants and short tops? Why do we tend to stare at a girl if she wears swimming costume in a beach? Have we even dared to raise a question when guys come out of their houses in short pants and at times even in their boxer shorts? Have we looked down upon guys who walk bare body around beaches for that matter? Frankly wherever I look all I see is discrimination, all I see are girls being looked down upon. It is beyond my comprehension as to how to deal with this in a country like India, where people still pretend to moral values and virtues.

At best what I can think of is one should not have the bad luck in being born in a society like India. I have had the misfortune of being here but frankly I wish I was not a part of such a hollow society. I too want to live my life, enjoy my freedom without being pressurized with the stupid unwritten rules of the society. Anyways all we girls can do these days is protest and being looked down upon. But recently something happened in my life and I realized no matter how men wish to stamp and walk over girls, there will always be a man in my life who will never ever do that. And that man is my Father. I see him running like crazy making my dreams of the romantic notion coming true. He has time and again proved to me that no matter what he will always be by my side, like a true Father protecting his daughter and being there with her when she needs him the most. I don’t know about India or our society, but I know this much as long as I have my Father I need not need anyone else ever in my life. He is a strong pillar of support for me, making me feel special each time I have been disregarded by humans, and for that matter even my own family. I cannot thank my stars enough to bless me with such a father. People want fairy tale ending and a happily ever after life. But for me, having such a dear father fulfills all my dreams. That is all I need from him. His smile, his hug, his hand on my shoulders to let me know that I am not alone. Love you Dad, love you now and always. You are the best Man any woman would want to have in her life. And not to forget my dear Mom. No matter how many times you hug me tightly to irritate me, you and Dad make the perfect couple. You inspire and instill love around us. It is because of you two that I believe so much in love. Mom thank you for being there every time I wanted to walk away. Thank you for making me the way I am. Love you guys. And I am grateful to both of you for accepting me at my worst, for bearing my unnecessary screams and shouts. For being there for me no matter what.

Girls, more than the society cherish your family. And I am sure if families start accepting girls the way my parents have we will not need to change the society at large. It will automatically understand the importance of a girl.

Here’s the luckiest me signing off, hoping for a better tomorrow, a brighter sun to touch our lives. But lastly would love to mention again, thanks Mom and Dad, love you now and forever…!!!!

2013... already?!?!?!

Wow... what a realization I just had. It is 2013 already and I haven't finished my story nor have I bothered to update any blogs in the past month. How very typical of me?

Anyways I have started this year with a lot of hopes but by the pass of each day my hopes drop off one by one. And today is just the 4th of Jan'13. Forget it.

Nothing can come out of nothing...

So here I am wishing myself a Good and Decent 2013 ahead...
Try and stay alive for me...!!!!