Burnt

Well even though not physically, but mentally I indeed am BURNT!

Never did I think life would be so unjust and so very unfair. I know I have always been standing by my Bhagwanji, but looking all the suffering, the pain and the hurt, I wonder where did I go wrong, where did each one of them go wrong to deserve such a pathetic life.

One good thing happens and it is ruined by a million bad things. How the hell is that even possible. It makes me only wonder why only ME. I am done saying - Why Not Me. Because it seems like Bhagwanji has taken that statement very personally and has planned to throw everything at me, every damn thing. And I am losing patience, losing hope and most importantly I am losing myself.

I know not what I should do, cannot even run away. Somehow I am very angry on Chaiji today. After her leaving us, life has become worst. She was our Guardian Angel and I miss her a lot. I just don't know why she was in such a hurry to leave. If only you were here Chaiji. MISS YOU A LOT.

I am seriously not able to type today. Somehow I feel I should stop. I don't want to end up saying things which may hurt anyone for that matter.

Over and out for now.

Still BURNT!

Flightless Bird...!!!

Words stolen from a song featured in the movie - Twilight.

Nonetheless a lot of what I am going to share if a lot what I feel and the words say it exactly.

So it was just a normal day and I was finishing off my household chores when this thought came to my mind. And it actually shook me bad and I have started thinking, deliberating and a hell lot more.

Back to the point, as a kid I was always told I was special and that I would get whatever I want. But as we grow, I have realized those tales have no importance. Chaiji was lucky in that way, and I doubt if my luck is that great. Can't even wear clothes as per my choice, how will I manage the rest. I cannot even keep my last name, have to give up on everything. And I am not that girl who would agree to everything. And here I am obeying orders. I have to do everything and who knows may even have to sacrifice on my career. What a gamble.

I wasn't this girl ever. The way I have been bought up, girls are at par with boys and it is no shame to clean our own undergarments and looking for places to dry them off. Boys also help in the kitchen, they help the girls. But this is not what I chose for myself. I chose something I have always laughed at, something which I have always hated and I will continue hating for the rest of my life.

All this while living for parents, and then would be living for someone else. In the long run, I will completely forget myself and maybe even not bother about myself. I know it hurts now, but I will have to get used to this hurt and then avoid it completely or living would be the greatest difficulty for me.

All what I ever stood for, all I ever supported and belived it, is all going to become a hollow sham. I am no good than the street urchin, lying, begging, stealing for the sake of his food. And I am hopeless, seriously suddenly I feel my entire body is drained out. I just want to sleep for sometime and not think of my difficult future.

All the best to me. 

The Search

It all started in the month of May
Lilacs, roses and me, all in dismay.
The search was peaceful in the month of June
No affections to display and everything in tune.
And then came the colorful month of July
With colors and fragrance all alike.
The magic in the voice was all I felt,
A warmth, sincerity and all the care.
We connected all over, felt the closest
And yet physically we were to tend.
Those endless chats, calls, and promises anew
It was the month of August, our sweet rendezvous.
And then came a marvelous September
A random walk on a cozy Sunday.
Those stolen kisses, and the hug so tight
The hands together, and the naughty little smile.
And here I sit and go through the thread
Of precious moments intertwined.
That is how long I took to find
To trust you and to walk beside.

Search ends,
A lifetime begins...


[September 5: On route to Bangalore from Mumbai, a comparatively empty flight, with no good company, I end up writing this. To be frank, the original version was not that good, a rough sketch of what I had in mind. So this is the edited version, much pleasant to the eyes and the ears and somehow I managed to get the words right. Well all thanks to my Muse. Ya, finally my Muse has been replaced and has inspired me to write after really a long time. I look forward to being inspired, to being loved, to being cared for, so that I can write more. Too much pressure on my Muse. But little does he know that I feel inspired around him, that I feel alive once again. A dedication to my SuperMan, my Muse.]

New Feelings

And to always think of one's own self is what we humans tend to do. But being with someone, understanding someone, respecting that someone at times may prove different and at times difficult. From the very childhood we are bought up with our parents, our siblings, cousins. And so over time we respect, understand each other. Suddenly one day someone comes across and becomes even more important than all those who have been by your side all this while. And how do we react then? How do we cope with this sudden change, with the affections and loyalties changing.

Well I am obviously talking about a Life Partner we chose (most of the times) for ourselves. Suddenly he/she becomes the most important of them all, but it takes a little time to understand and to share a part of yourself with them.

I always screw up big time when it comes to this. I become protective of my family, of myself, of everything I have and I hate sharing it. I know it is difficult, but somehow my feelings and emotions stay within myself. And I just can't share myself with anyone. I somehow have these trust issues lately which I am slowly and steadily realizing and somehow I just can't stand anyone standing up for me. I have seen so many standing up and throwing me down, that now I find it difficult to even acknowledge anyone can ever be good to me without having any purpose to fulfill.

This made me realize why I have not had too many friends in Bangalore also. But somehow life is peaceful that way. We humans (including myself very much) are selfish and this essential nature leads to the Darwin's theory of Survival of the Fittest. So many of it is interlinked with each other that I wonder where I stand. A small speck in the world full of nothing.

But I have to open up. Its time to acknowledge other's feelings also, take into consideration that 2 people can share their lives together and be good to each other. Hurt is a part of the process, but it is not the process as a whole. I am learning each day, and believe me no matter how weird or strange I may feel, I am trying my best. A lot is to be achieved. I am way far than what I thought I had reached. But I am trying my best to reach there. Fingers crossed.

At times it is necessary also, to be upset with each other, to have mood swings, It only helps to grow and makes you stronger in the process. Let's see how all of this turns out for me. All the very best to me. This new phase of life...

The Tulips...

I didn’t want any flowers, I only wanted 

To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty. 

How free it is, you have no idea how free—— 

The peacefulness is so big it dazes you, 

And it asks nothing ...

These amazing lines from Sylvia Plath's famous poem - TULIPS have been haunting me for quite sometime now and I thought it is time for me to write about them. 

As a school kid, I would always be fascinated with any names beginning with the alphabet T. Well in all honesty, I love myself, my name and what I am. And since my name begins with the alphabet T, it was only but natural for me to look for names beginning with the same alphabet. And amongst the many names I heard, one name appealed to me the most. I know it is a mere coincidence, but somehow the name Tulip stayed with me. And I love the sound of it. The mere word being associated with a flower, made it all the more special. And here I was in High School, reading a poem about the same name I loved so much. But this is no happy poem. Let me not go any deeper to the mood and current situation of the writer. But the above mentioned lines, they somehow stir something inside of me and make me feel so at peace and yet so uncomfortable at the same time. And here I am trying to understand what these lines mean to me in particular.

Living in an eternal state of nothingness would be such an boon. I wish I personified in this very nothingness. Away from all the shams and falseness of the people and the world around me. Maybe an invisible beam, who sees all, perceives all but feels nothing. Slowly but steadily I am moving towards this very state. Let's hope and pray I achieve this state as soon as possible. I am done with everything and everyone around me. I feel like exploring a new city, exploring myself a little more and not having to make anymore friends. I want to give up on the very social norm of having to meet people and having to greet them, put on this fake smile and pretend everything is fine when nothing ever is. I hate people with no depth, no backbone and no common sense. I am so irritated with everyone around me, that lately I have not been able to think straight. But it is time, I change that and I come back to being myself. Definitely not in office, but away and out from that cursed place, I know I enjoy my company and I love spending time with myself. Why waste time and money on those who don't even care. I know for sure I love myself.

I guess I said a lot more than I was supposed to. Some of it would have made sense, most of it would have been just words with no meaning at all.

To the time we meet again.

A Few Good Humans...

Well I do realize I have changed the title as per the need of the hour. It is better to generalize than to take sides of either of the sexes. All I want now is to find a few good Human Beings who can understand and not just fake it.

To begin with, I used to think only Punjabis are shallow minded when it comes to the skin tone or complexion of their daughter-in-laws. But the more I travel, the more I learn. It is a human mentality to think that the complexion of the daughter-in-law will inevitably be bestowed upon the future generations. Hence the reason for a fairer looking Daughter-in-law, even though the son may look like a Chimpanzee. Well I should not be generalizing, but over these past few years, I have come across such shallow and pointless notions. But I did not understand the gravity of it, till the time I had to face the ordeal for myself. And damn, that did hurt.

I wonder how shallow our society has become, running after color, caste, creed and religion. Even in such modern times, we are still stuck with the stupid notions of the Cave Days. But somehow I believe life in a Cave would have been much more simpler than living in this modern day reality, the concrete jungle.

I know I am discussing something very personal to me, but I thought if I am facing this, I am sure there will be many more women who must be going through the same everyday and maybe my experience may help them in someway. I know I am just an ordinary person, but there have been people in my life who made this ordinary person feel so very extra ordinary. And even though some may not be here with me right now, I know their prayers and good wishes will always be with me.

Well from a very young age, my distant relatives have had this question mark in their mind. Not because of anything serious or political or economical, but because of my skin tone, or my complexion. There is a major chunk of my family who is not aware of the polio drops incident and I would rather leave it there. So from the day I gained consciousness, there has been this sense of unease and discomfort around those relatives. As time passed, I have even come across people who have not hesitated in telling me on my face that I am ugly looking. Every time they end up comparing me with my sister, little realizing that we are 2 very different people. Nonetheless as a kid, believe me I gave a damn to such comments. And I so wish I could have been that carefree kid again. But once when I got to see the real world around me, when I got to understand how this pitiful society works, I realized that no matter how good, or considerate I may be, even if I am a Topper, as long as my complexion is dark, I cannot be associated with anything good.

And here comes the most important person of my life, my friend, my mentor, my guide, my motivator, my inspiration, my everything, my sweet dear Grandmother, my Chaiji. Oh, how I miss her each day. I know no one is perfect in this world, and I am sure Chaiji may have had her shares of  ups and downs. But for me, she is and she will always be PERFECTION. How well has she managed the entire clan and her own kids. Among-st the first convent educated females in India, and a First Class holder, she was so down to earth and such a genuine human being. Mere words cannot describe how and what I feel for her even today that she is no longer with us. Chaiji was married to this handsome, fair looking man, my Grandfather, my Daddyji. And how Chaiji used to say, color doesn't matter. Her father-in-law saw the simplicity in her and choose her for his first born (the handsomest of his sons). And Daddyji never once let Chaiji think she is not as good looking as he is. And that is the kind of relationship I wanted (tough luck). And so every time I would be down and worried about my complexion, well I obviously discussed everything with her, all she would say is, that I have a beautiful heart and a pure soul. I used to get angry saying, no one can see that so how can they judge me. And she would just smile and say, someday someone will. How much I miss that woman in my life. She used to lift my spirit up just with her smile. I remember when I got my tattoo done, everyone in the house were angry but Chaiji supported me and smiling said even she has one. But yes if I was wrong, she would always be the first person to scold me and she ensured that I make amends. With her around life was so peaceful and smooth and just so happy and positive. I miss you Chaiji and I miss you Daddyji. ALWAYS!

But somehow I ended up with the same age old controversy of having a dark complexion and hence a dark soul and hence dark kids in the future. I wonder if all these people have some special powers to visual what will happen in the future. And yet they will always speculate.

I have given up on humanity and I have given up on people. They will be nice to you as long as you serve their purpose and the moment you are useless to them, you are dead. I do miss the friend circle I had back in Kolkata. I miss the friendly hugs and the friendly gestures from people around me. I miss feeling good about myself. Here in Bangalore, if I smile everyone will try and find ways and means to ensure my smile doesn't spread and rather I sit back and cry. But this too is a phase of life, which will pass eventually. Even though I desperately want this phase to get over with, but I know gradually it will be gone.

I guess for this lifetime, I have met my quota of good humans. Cheers to another life. Hopefully I would not be such a disappointment to all and I would not get disappointed by all.

Dedicated to a Few Good Humans...

A Few Good Men...

What a beginning I had in mind and what a beginning I am going to give it.

No Good Men at all or should I say very few good men left.

I had never thought that I would use the title of this movie, but here I am writing about the few men I have in my life currently and how my life seems to revolve around them.

To begin with Kumar, the sweet boy from a small town, struggling in a metro city to make a name for himself. No doubts he is a great dancer and I absolutely respect and admire him for all the efforts he puts day in and day out. But lately life has been tough to him, all I can hope for is a good and peaceful life and lots of success.

Rahul, I call him the crazy one because he is indeed crazy. We are related in no way and yet we shared so much. I feel like I am the elder sister and I do feel responsible for him. Give him the health he deserves, let him live his life as well.

I did initially think, I would speak about a couple more, but then I don't want to jinx it again. Whosoever I have spoken about in this blog has eventually left and gone. Let's see how long it takes for these to leave.

But few good men are left on earth it seems. Rest all want to just be there, make a move, irritate, irate and stare. Who stops at stares, reports of rape, molestation is only common happening these days. So will it be wrong to say that a girl needs to protect herself all alone. Even when I was in a relationship, it was strange how I never felt secured when others stared at me. Others would push me by and yet there was no reaction. Makes me realize how right Papa were and Papa still is. I miss him and I miss home.

I miss the feeling of being around people I can be myself with. Well to be frank and honest, I always wanted to be in a city where no one knows me and where I can have an identity of my own. I do not regret being here but I miss the warmth of people around me. Everyone is selfish and everyone seems to be friends for a purpose. Purpose solved, friendship dissolved. Very convenient it sounds. Men or women, all alike and I am in the middle of all this confusion. The worst part, they don't even realize, they hurt and move on.

A few good men are lost in this world and I find no other way to find them. 

Frankly speaking I was working on this piece for a long time in my mind and I never thought it would come out so negative. But that is exactly how I am feeling right now. This was going to be a positive note. But everything happens for a reason and now I know the reason - there should be no HOPE. Hope is DEAD! and Dead she is.

NPSSBS

So here are the 3 years of my Junior High (8,9 and 10). I changed schools, obviously I had to. I was forced to. I remember hating the very thought of having the leave the known classes, the known teachers, the known faces and having to adapt to a new environment, but I realize now it was for my very own good.

On the recommendation of my Mom's friend, Mom made me join this school in Class 8 itself. Oh, how much I hated being a part of the new place.The uniform color was weird. It was a Co-Ed School, I have always been Co-ed School, so boys was no big deal. The problem here was that no one knew me. I had to make friends on my own. And the very first week, I had no one talking to besides the Teachers and my Classmate - Ritu. Later came Payel and Moumita. But I remember clearly it being Ritu.

However the reason for me remembering the school is nothing much, then the freedom I had to travel up and down in Public Bus while I was in Class 9 and 10. According to Dad, it was one direct bus and it was time for me to become street smart. So me, along with one of my friend, Priyanka, each day after school, we used to walk back to the bus stop and wait for the bus. Some days she would get a bus before me and other days I would get a bus before her. It was right here in the bus stop another school bus would also come and there was this guy, I am quite sure he was my Senior, who used to stare at us. For obvious reasons, I knew he was staring at Priyanka. She was not only fair and tall, but was beautiful and had these amazingly big and appealing eyes. And me on the other hand, tall, with short hair, an absolute tomboy. So the first couple of times, I thought he was obviously eyeing Priyanka, I hardly ever paid attention. Until the day I saw him board the same public bus as me. I don't know when or how he got to know, but he would always board the same bus as me.

Well travelling back home for me was exciting task as I would end up meeting one of my neighbors and they would inevitably pay for my bus tickets and I would end up saving my pocket money. But I started looking out for this guy too. He was taller than me, he was fair and had an athletic built. However I reckon he ever played sports, he looked more of a nerd than of a sportsperson. And above all, his smile was so very cute and he got dimples every time he would smile at me. I know had it been any other girl, I am sure she would have proposed to him. But as it was me, poor guy must have suffered a lot.

During those days, I hated boys. I just could not stand the boys in my class and I was in general of the opinion that all guys are stupid and hence should be avoided. But I would look forward to the time when I would board the bus for my specs guy. See, there I begin the unprecedented attraction I have for guys in specs (later it was obviously Chasmish from HSBC).

I clearly remember this one time, when 2 buses were trying to overtake each other and I out of my laziness avoided boarding either of the buses. I waited almost 10-15 minutes to board another bus. And to my surprise, he too waited and he boarded the same exact bus as me. I was shocked, but he just smiled. Oh! how stupid of me never ever to speak to him. And coincidentally we sat together. But all I could do was look outside the window and he kept staring at me. Now I realize how very stupid I had been as a child. Not exactly stupid, but innocent. At that point, I was very virtuous and also naive, and for me I believed in love, but it should be love till the end, no time pass for me. He could have been my first boyfriend, but I had to wait till University to get my heart broken. By then I would have been a pro or who knows, if he was the one guy I would have got married to.

Nonetheless, I seem to have deviated to the wonderland again. Back to reality. Our bus rides went on for almost a year. I told you he was a senior and I am sure once he finished his High School, he moved on. And I never got to see him again. But I did miss him. I would never admit it to my friend, Priyanka, my only friend who knew about him. But I did miss him. And I miss him still. Somehow I miss a person looking out for me. I miss the person who ensures I am safe. I miss the smile which lightens up my mood and brightens up my day. A face of a stranger who appears to be like my very own. Who knows, he may have been my soulmate. The one year, us travelling together, not so many coincidences could have been possible. But I missed my chance.

I know I am all strong and so very independent, that I intimidate people and especially the guys around me. But I am yet to find a guy who can look me in the eye and know who I really am. The people I relied on, the people I thought would be a friend for life, those were the ones to show their back and run off at the first instance. So my search continues, soulmate or no soulmate, a life partner awaits for me. And I hope the poor guy has enough warning before he gets to be by my side.

Thank You Bhagwanji for showing such amazing days. And I am Sorry for not being able to realize about them earlier. I am grateful to You for everything. Keep Smiling and Keep Loving Me (I know You always do). Love You!

Football...

Weird are the ways of Bhagwanji. Last night I cried myself to sleep, only to be waken up by the ringtone of my phone. It was my friend, asking me about what I have been up-to. Initially I thought it is an official call and she wanted help from me, but I realized she is out and wants me to join her. I was deep in sleep, at least now I am able to sleep. And believe me last night, when I was writing the blog, I did think of her and was just contemplating on how people are. To her all I have ever been is nice and have always been by her side. But for me, she has never been. Even when I shared the news of my break up, she was normal and never bothered to even ask me again if I am doing alright. I remember when I lost my wallet in Bangalore, then also she was not there by my side. So I had accepted the fact, that I am just a colleague for her, not even a friend.

But today she called me and asked me to join her in the football field. My first instinct was to say no. But then I remember reading this piece on life, where we should do couple of things and have no regrets later. So I accepted the invitation. Well I have been in Bangalore for over an year now, but they only bothered to call me now. I know now why. Because I now single and I have none by my side. I am actually surprised how people think.

Well to be honest, I know for sure when I was in a relationship, I would hardly ever be invited out was because others wanted what I had and they never wanted me to be a part of their miserable single life (to be frank, the miserable does not apply to all). I was never invited out and I knew the reason why. But today surprisingly they called.

So I went, and she was there cheering and supporting her bestie. This reminded me of my college days. watching Nature Boy play in the football field.

Nonetheless I met the guys. Sat there, laughed at the stupid and the silliest jokes possible. And now I am back home.

I know not how to react to all this. I know I should not be expecting anything from anyone. When Ruchi mentioned how she and her friends tried to cheer this friend of hers who had broken up. I missed having friends around me. Maybe something is indeed wrong with me that I could never be a friend for anyone.

But Bhagwanji has been nice to me, so no complaints. He knows, I only complain to Him. And I am sure by now, He is only so very used to it. After all He has been the only true witness of my entire life story. Bhagwanji I owe you my entire life, You have every right to mess with me, to make it happy and whatever You feel like. Thank you for being their for me, and thank You for  keeping me alive all this while.

To the day we meet again...

My Missing Eddie...

FYI, Eddie is the name of the character played by Hugh Jackman in the Movie 'Someone Like You'.

So to begin with the beginnings. Technically speaking this is my 3rd break up, but logically this is my 2nd break up. Well having dated the same person, and breaking up for the 2nd time,can be a third in the list but actually it is the 2nd. Nonetheless, break up! In my life, I have been in 2 serious relationships and both bitter-sweet. The reason I am omitting the mention of a certain part of my life, where I dated an opportunist is because that can never considered to be love, that could only be considered me being a stupid and he being an asshole. Again, I deviated. Well back to my break-up.

Somehow I appear so calm and quiet about this break-up. Maybe because -
1. I am done with my share of crying (alone of course)
2. I am a stronger person compared to what I was earlier
3. I don't have the luxury to fall apart and break down (because there is none to push me back up)

So as per the above listed reasons, I have accepted my fate and I have learnt to live with it. It still hurts though but all I think about it -
If we cannot laugh at the same joke again and again, why cry about the same thing again and again.

I am the best I have left with. And I am only growing stronger by the day. I know I scare hell lot of people but I also know I am not bad. I am a strong personality but I had to be, who else I can be weak with. The ones I have shared my tears, my emotions and my fears with, have inevitably left me. So why should I be vulnerable in front of those who have only bothered to pass judgement on me all this while. It is indeed tough being this strong and always being on guard., but unfortunately that is what life is for me.

Sometimes my sister's words echo in my ears still and irritates me to the core - "Yeh akelapan tune apne aap hi laya hai, and tu kabhi kisi ke saath khush nahi reh sakti, tu akeli hi rahegi hamesha". Harsh words, but now they make more sense. Well for the English translation - "You have inflicted this loneliness upon you, you can never be happy with anyone, you will be alone forever".

I so wanted to prove her and the world wrong. I have and I continue to prove how others have been wrong about me. But I guess this one time I failed. From getting admission to ACS, to being a part of SXC, from topping in my Class 12, to finding a job on my own and doing good. I have proved every person wrong. But when it comes to love, or finding one true love, I fail miserably. At least by now I know, I am not perfect (shit! all delusions shattered).

Nonetheless as it is established I have no shoulder to cry on, or maybe I have self-inflicted this loneliness, I have to find refuge in movies and books. And I remember I went gaga over the character of Jacob during my 1st break up (I have to get the books back to Bangalore, it was so therapeutic). Today I ended up watching the movie 'Someone Like You', and one of my many favorite actors (to be fair, they are fabulous) Hugh Jackman played the role of Eddie. Initially he appears to be a womanizer, but later we get to see the good side of him. And he is this caring friend, this sensible and logical adviser, this perfect shoulder to cry on, and he ends up being the only right person. I miss having Eddie in my life. I miss having just a friend in my life.

I know I am good with studies, with work, with keeping everyone around me happy. But I am bad at sharing myself with others. And somehow through the blog, lately I have started saying so very much. The people I expect would be near me, would be around me, are the first ones to desert me. But I miss human touch, I miss a voice saying to me it will be alright. I miss the smile I see on a face when they see me. I miss the warmth in human beings around me.

I know I have been hated a lot, but how can I give me on the love I received from others. How can I think ill of others. How can I be mean. All I can do is be on my own, face this world and its harsh realities alone. But I miss having my Eddie, my shoulder to cry on, my friend to advise me to move on. I miss someone hugging me and telling me they are there. I don't want anymore false promises, I don't want any more disappointments. Somehow I don't have that much energy left in me. And yet my heart says it will fall in love again. And you know what, I feel like tearing it out of my body and throwing it away. My brain tells me I am strong and I can face anything. But then why my eyes refuse to shut, why the tears won't stop flowing when I am alone. For the past 2 weeks or so, sleep has escaped me. And I know now why. I have been taking sleeping pills but to no use. Work Life also has its ups and downs.

People ask me to start flirting, to start feeling. But then what about the feeling that I will eventually end up hurting myself. At this juncture of my life, I am looking for a Life Partner and not just a person to hang out with. I have also accepted the fact that it is time for me to get married. The message has been conveyed to the entire family as well. And its time to settle, to adjust, to find a person I can be home with.

Also to accept the truth, there is someone who inevitably brings a smile on my face. Enka, he is little stupid, crazy, but a decent person. With him around, I have managed to smile, I have managed to share myself and I have felt comfortable. But then I am glad he knows nothing about this. And somehow I want to keep it that way. Remember in SXC - Nature Boy, HSBC - Chashmish and now Enka. They have only provided sweet distractions in my life and have helped me get my mind off so many things.

But I still miss having Eddie around me.

I feel now at peace with myself. I feel like I have grown up and matured now. And now its time for me to give my parents what they truly deserve. Mumma, Papa - Soon...!!!!


Thank you Bhagwanji for making me the way I am, for keeping me alive and most importantly for being by my side. Help me be a stronger and a happier person.

For all the travels I was alone...

My journey through life has led me through both light and dark places, and it's because of those experiences that I have learned how to work through my character defects and to help others do the same. - Jessie Pavelka

But my entry is not the journey of life, rather the many journeys I have undertaken through my life. It is about the many paths I walked alone and walked with people beside me. I shall begin from the very beginning, that is if I can remember the old sequence of events.

Dating back to when I was this little kid, crazy about outdoors, hated baths, loved the sun, loved nature and  hated being home. Well somehow I had the privilege of being always out of the house. Being the ugly one among the sisters, was an advantage for me. Where my sister was (and still is) breath-taking beautiful, I was just a Tomboy roaming around in my shorts, with bob-cut hair and a dark complexion. Well as a kid, I somehow used to be happy about it and pray to the Almighty for bestowing such good luck on me, that I could roam freely. But then I had a great group of friends - Rishi (dude I don't know how to find you on FB or anywhere), Megha, Tony, Bujhu, Badi Babli, Choti Babli, Swarnali, Joy and so on. We used to play, run in the sun, get ourselves dirty and what not. And obviously I was the leader of our pack. I think back then, my Dad realized my potential and helped me build myself stronger and braver. I am grateful to him in every manner. By the way, my Dad spoiled me like anything. Wherever he would go, I would inevitably tag along with him. This specific time I remember, well my mom and dad remember in a much better way. As always Dad was going out on his scooter and he asked me to go along with him. But then Mom denied saying I need to finish my homework. I very excitedly said, Dad asked me to, I cannot say No to Dad. But to my surprise, my Dad also denied this time saying I should study. And guess what I could have said to Dad, "Joru ka Ghulam". I may have been 5/6/7, I don't remember, but yes I was very young to even know what that meant but I said it. Threw my slippers up in the air and ran to my room. Mom and Dad still make fun of me, saying how smart I was to use the term at the very appropriate moment. God, I wish I was that I was the small kid once again.

I come from a house where I had working parents, but it would always turn out to my benefit. This one time, Dad was pissed on me and Di, I don't remember what or why. But I remember him being angry. And giving a lecture to Di, maybe a slap or two, that I don't remember. Now when it was my turn to get the scoldings, I crack a stupid joke (obviously I don't remember the joke) but the moment Dad laughed, I knew no beatings, no scoldings for me. I knew I was Dad's favorite. And somehow I feel no shame in accepting the fact that I have been pampered so very much by Dad. He has always been by my side, he has been there when I made mistakes and helped me make them right. I love him till Death and beyond. I could have never asked for better parents.

Daddyji, my grandfather, was a very handsome looking inspiration figure in my life. His presence in our family ensured that everything happens in a prim and proper manner. He inspired me to use spoon and not to use hands while eating. And you know what, from Class 3, I have not had rice using my hands, it is always with the help of a spoon. Friends have obviously made fun of me while I do this, but then who cares. It was and is a good habit I learnt from him and I am willing to continue. Daddyji was this dynamic figure. Timsi di (the eldest of our generation) is obviously his favorite, but I was not far behind. I knew that he always pestered me if I slept for long on school days. He would visit us weekends and bring Chocolate cookies just for me. How can I forget all of it. How can I ever forget his cooking. My favorite being the Chicken Rice, whose taste lingers in my mouth but I also know, I can never ever get to eat anything like that ever again. He introduced us to mushrooms as a delicacy. Daddyji I miss you so very much and I wish you were here to see how your grandkids are doing. But I also know you are always there, helping us, guiding us through the tough times. Love you Daddyji.

Chaiji, my grandmother, the warmest person on this earth. A dedicated wife, a perfect mother, an amazing grandmother and above all a perfect human being. She was among the 1st Metric Pass during her days and that too 1st Class. We have her certificates still and also the newspaper cutting. She got married early or else she was offered sponsorship for higher studies, but her father had other plans. In a way I am glad, or else I would have never had Chaiji in my life. Chaiji's visit means Allu-Gobi Paranthas, namkeen chawal, aam ka aachar. I think my childhood would have an absolute waste had her food not been there. I miss you Chaiji the most. I remember watching Jism (A rated movie) with her, without any hesitation. You are and always be my best friend. Always encouraging, always helping and always that smile. I don't remember how many vacations I have spent over at your house and felt like being at home. When I started working, you were so proud of me. And I can only hope and wish that I am making you proud still. Always complimenting on how beautiful I am. But I also remember, growing up she was a little skeptical about me being so dark on complexion when compared to my sisters. But her fears were soon overcome with the many things I have accomplished over the years. I indeed miss having you around in my life. And I still miss the fact, that I was not able to say my last goodbye. I shall regret this till the last breath of my life. But I am happy and grateful that God choose me to be your granddaughter. You have taught me the meaning of love, forgiveness, compassion, being tolerant, being patient and yet standing up for myself. I love you for everything. And I miss you every moment of my life. The other day when I had done planchette with Mam, I knew it was you and I knew you are there somewhere around us. I miss you and I miss you the most. You were my best friend. You supported me through Ron and you supported me through T. You were my story teller granny. You used to take me around. I miss you Chaiji. I miss our outings together, me shopping for you, going out for movies (remember Jodha Akbar, just 2 days before my semesters). Remember Saari shopping for Bhaiya's wedding. Shoe shopping, bag shopping, everything. I miss you so very much, I think words are not enough to describe what you have been and what you are in my life. Love you Chaiji and thank you for everything. 

I guess I deviated a bit (a lot I guess) from the many travels I was supposed to describe. But I will be back with my travel accounts. Today I am just happy and I want it to be that way. 

Thank you Bhagwanji for bringing me to the famous Goswami family, with the many twists and turns in our lives and yet the strong ones. 

A visit back to College

I have had the privilege of being a part of one of the top colleges of Kolkata - St. Xavier's College and that too was blessed to be part of the 1st ever Autonomous batch.

So anyways, after almost 7 years, we visited college once again and it was only possible because of my good friend. At-least she has been consistent (till yet) to meet me every time I visit the city and is there to take me around and relive college days.

So on 8th of February 2016, we went to college. She had her old ID Card and got an entry to college easily. As for me, I had to wait for Prof. AB's letter to get an entry to college. Surely the security has tighten a bit. And the college building too has renovated so much. It was fun to be back in college. Just looking at the college, so very many memories rushed through me. It was the best feeling of the world.

I got to meet almost all the professors and not just that we clicked pictures too.
Prof. AB
Prof. SB
Prof. CM
Prof. PM
Prof. BD
Hindi Mam, Bengali Mam. Even got to meet the equipment manager for Mass communication department, unfortunately had missed out on meeting Prof, as by the time I reached, Mam had left.

It was fun walking down the same old corridors again. To see the classrooms we were once a part of. SXC has always been special to me and I can never forget the days spent in college. I feel blessed and privileged to be a part of such an amazing institute.

Lastly a day well spent in College. Even though empty stomach for half of the day, I felt I was full and satisfied. You know as they say -
Once a Xaverian, always a Xaverian.

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My Ex's Marriage

Well a self explanatory title indeed. My Ex is married indeed and I know not where to begin from. But nonetheless I will. Somehow this year I want to write and write things which have hurt me and may also hurt a lot of people. But as we all know in due course the hurt will subside and if my feelings were not considered should I consider about these so called others who left? Whether wrong or right, good or bad, here I am talking about my so called Ex.

Many of you may not even know his name, but to tell you the truth he was my very first relationship. Being the stubborn girl with high ideals and virtues, I choose to stay single till after my college and finally while doing my Masters I said yes to this wonderful guy. Well he used to be wonderful, I know not anymore. The reason for me getting so late into a relationship was because I always thought myself to be a serious kind of person, a one-man woman kind of person. So even though I did get proposals from quite a few guys, I would always rejected them ruthlessly without even considering about their feelings, so maybe the same thing happened exactly with me. Nevertheless, he is happily married today (well at least I hope so) and here I am living my life and enjoying the many opportunities I otherwise would have missed had he been in my life. Thank you for leaving me. It did hurt and somehow it hurts even today, but thank you for the valuable lesson of my life.

So very recently something happened and I thought of looking for my Ex on Facebook and I realize he is married and it has definitely been more than 6 months that he has been married for. Well now I remember the reason for searching for him, he had messaged me on GTalk and I replied back stating we should not bother each other anymore. I would have never said that, had our last interaction not been so ugly. I wish I could share what actually did happen but then who cares, I can share. He called me one fine day, infact I was sleeping so I could not answer his calls. Anyhow he kept trying to contact me and when finally we did end up speaking with each other, he send me a link to an adult video claiming the video features Me. To my utter shock, hate, disgust, and what not, I tried to calm myself down and opened the Link just to find some random people sharing their intimate moment in public. For a moment I thought maybe my face was morphed or what, but then it wasn't me. I knew I am not that kind of a person, and even though I was going through a very ugly phase of my present relationship, I knew there was nothing like that to be shared out in public. And that was the day when all I love, respect, my feelings were shattered and destroyed for him and all I was left - anger, disgust, pain and hurt. Yet somehow when I saw his picture with his wife, tears fell from my eyes. I felt somewhere what stupidity had I done, how easily had I trusted a person who betrayed me and proved me wrong every other time. This was the man I had so blindly trusted on and had also introduced to my parents.

All my ideals, my virtue went down to the ditches. The pride I had went away just in a second. How wrong did I prove myself to be. One man woman - a complete joke I have made out of myself. And yet you know, even after so much has passed, I feel proud of myself. I feel independent, I feel successful and above all I feel Loved. Isn't that the greatest joy of all. Isn't that what we strive for each day, a little harder, a little more.

I hope unlike me, you do not hurt your wife. Your promise that you will never get married, even if your parents force, obviously was a sham the same way your promise to be by my side in good or bad days, to love me till the end, and to marry me. Everything a mere sham. And I like a fool believed it all. But thanks for the lesson, a much needed one.

All the best my Ex with your future EXperiences. You are now Past and will remain so. And please do not try and come near me anymore to betray your wife. Stay with her, be happy with her, and watch adult videos with her, but then don't go looking for me in the videos, don't see my face in the malls you roam around with her, don't feel my presence in the movie hall when you are with her. Belong to her and her only. And I am sure I don't need to elaborate so much, you are mature enough to handle things yourself, the way you had handled the entire situation about me with your family. Just get rid of the problem - the most effective and easy solution possible on earth.

Thanks a lot for every single thing you failed to do for me.

Well but then it is my Ex's marriage, one should not be sad, one should rejoice at one's happiness. Be happy and stay happy. God Bless.

A Memorable Flight back Home

Well I do realize that it has been quite sometime that I have shared anything with all. Maybe because I didn't have anything good to share or maybe I had someone I can share things with or maybe also because it was never very interesting. Whatever be the reason, I have every reason to be here and share something good and exciting with you all. Something which actually happened with me, something so real that I feel special.

So I have been traveling quite a lot back and forth and was never really all excited about the journey because inevitably either I would be dumped beside snoring uncles, loud speaker aunties, crazy nasty kids. So as always I prefer my own company or I rest my eyes. But this time something happened, it maybe small for you but for me something happened and now I believe in miracles again, and I believe that I too am special, no need to be special for others but for myself too. Here I narrate the day.

6th Feb 2016, I am all set to board my flight from Bengaluru Airport. Doing the late EST hour shift, I decided to skip on my sleep and also I was yet to pack for the coming week. With the sleepy eyes I managed to catch hold of season 4 episode 1 of Walking Dead which did not leave much impression on me. So anyways I was ready and since last night in office people had complimented so much about the newly acquired electric blue jacket, I decided to wear the same for the journey. The journey towards the airport was unimpressive. It was short (for a change) and I reached well before I could have anticipated. This of course was a good thing keeping in mind the long queues we have to stand and wait for the boarding and baggage. But I gave that a miss and went for Self Check in and also helped a couple of the travelers with the same, nothing much to boost about but it always feels nice to help the people around you. While waiting in the self check in queue, I noticed a huge queue of guys running towards boarding and all wearing the same tees. The first thought which came to my mind was that college students maybe going for a match. But then I noticed that many stickers on their baggage claiming - Delhi Dabbangs. So here was my big celebrity moment of getting to see the Pro-kabbadi Team - Delhi Dabbangs. And you know how much I am biased towards the city. At once my heart felt happy but then I thought maybe the guys are travelling home. In my mind I gave them my good wishes, obviously I was ignorant of their disastrous performance this series as I am not a kabbadi fan at all. But somewhere I thought someday I will indeed watch them play. So after finishing the check-in I rushed towards security from the escalator right on the left corner because I knew it is closest for ladies security check. As I rushed (you do know how fast I walk when alone) I noticed from the corner of my eyes that some of the Dabbangs guys were waiting and sitting in the couch and as I ran across them this one particular guy stood up and was staring at me. The stupid that I am, I can never assume that anyone can even bother to notice me, I ran away and made my way towards the security. But I did make a phone call home and let mom know of the celebrities I just passed across.

Since I was way to early, I made my way and sat near the gate from where we were supposed to board the flight. Met a Bengali family as always and helped the realize that boarding is going on for a different flight and ours will be the next one. But not liking the view of the place I was sitting at and moreover with the intention of boarding the flight first, I inevitably changed my seat to something absolutely near. I seriously wanted to be the first to board. Then something happened. I noticed the place I was sitting at and there was the Dabbang guys sitting and chit chatting. I noticed a couple of them and saw a few whom I found attractive. I was still under the impression that they are traveling back home. I noticed people jumping around them, clicking pictures, shaking hands and so on. A celebrity feeling indeed. I felt happy for the boys, life has offered them with an opportunity to enjoy one of the blessings which so many die for. Then I also noticed a guy with mustache being taken around here and there for the pictures. I did feel a little sorry for him, and realized how greedy with people are, trying to rub off the success of others and end up hurting them. Among them I noticed a comparatively good looking guy, smart eyes, strong build and a decent height. He had earphones plugged in and was strolling around. And you know what I thought he looked at me and smiled a couple of times. But as always since I am never sure, I did not return his advances, then was he actually interested in me when I was in Bangalore airport among-st a crowd of good looking females. I obviously thought NOT. So anyways I was glued to my seat looking here and there , checking the people who were taking pictures of the guys and at times I would end up laughing looking at how weird people behaved around them. And you know he caught me laughing once and as if out of habit, smiled right back at me. I could feel the warmth of that smile, but then typical Tripti, it can never be for me so I proactively look around to see if anyone smiled at him. And believe me there was none and so I turned my gaze directly at him and he smiled at me again. Shaking my head I turned towards the clock realizing boarding is already 10 minutes late and these buggers haven't done anything about it. That very minute I realized sleep taking over me and automatically my eyes were shut for a couple of minutes. I realized I am gone and I may end up missing the flight. I fought back the feeling and stood up and called Dad. He suggested I should take a stroll around just to be awake. I called a friend but he was too sleepy to give me a company. So following dad's advise I stood up, kept my bag down and started walking here and there waiting for the boarding to start. And to add to my misery as soon as they announce boarding they also announce that only seats 20-30 should board first. My shit luck, I was in seat 4E. Well the seat too has a story. While doing the self check-in, I wanted to select an aisle seat but my good luck I had the option of either 4E or 27 E. So I was like why take the back seat, front will be comfortable and easily accessible. On finally boarding the flight, I realized so many of the seats were vacant and I was surprised because it has been long that I have got vacant seats in a flight. This made me happy. For your information I was seated in the middle with an uncle on one side and an Aunty on the other. No good looking guy as always and so it was the right time for me to shut my eyes and fall asleep. Also for this journey I had already saved quite a number of Saturday Night Live episodes just in case to keep me entertained. But then someone entered and I was in complete shock. He was wearing the same electric blue jersey as my jacket and he was from the Pro-Kabbadi team - Delhi Dabbangs. My jaw half opened and I was like are these guys flying too with us. Then slowly the entire team started coming in. There were those guys whom I was staring at, then the second coach who was staring at me and finally entered the guy who had smiled at me. And my good luck or bad he sat behind me diagonally and I could feel his eyes constantly at me. And every time I turn I notice some guy or the other staring. Well I know had it been any other girl in my place, she would definitely be excited and feel overwhelmed but I, the great Tripti felt AWKWARD and UNCOMFORTABLE. Also I knew my plans to sleep in the flight were down to ditches.

So the flight started and suddenly I feel a tap on my left shoulder and the next question I hear is - Kolkata mein dekhne layak jagah kaun kaunsi hai. The brown eyes directly looked into my eyes and spoke to me. And I was like, shit why me. That of course I didn't say to him but I thought to myself. And me like a dumb said nothing at first then said Victoria Memorial, a church (forgot the name obviously), Ganga Ghat and that's about it. Then he asked how long will I be in Kolkata and where I am from and what I do, etc etc etc. Well obviously I was flattered by the attention and was on the top of the world, literally too cause I was flying as well. Then had a little chit chat with him.

Then the uncle beside me also started talking with me. And he said something which only a heart of a romantic or an English major would understand. He said Carpe diem - seize the moment. And added at times getting out from your everyday routine, meeting new people can refresh your mind and can help you gaze at things in a better perspective. He said let go of yourself and talk to these chaps, you can always get a free ticket to the game and end up uploading so many pictures on FB.

For a change I did let go. I spoke to them. I interacted and even exchanged numbers. I smiled at them, laughed with them, even sang with them. Believe it was too much fun. But I didn't click any pictures, maybe out of the fear that I would hate my mundane life here forth or because I hardly had time to even look into my cellphone. We all know when a guy is too friendly with a girl, he may have some hidden motive or agenda. But for me it was an opportunity for a lifetime, to see how guys who can't speak proper English have achieved so much. There was so much to learn from this chance interaction for me. They taught me self respect, confidence, Independence, they made me realize there is nothing to be ashamed of even when we don't know English. They made me laugh, they made me smile and most of all they made me realize what life is. I know the team isn't doing too good but Delhi Dabbangs you all will hold a special position in my life always. Keep rocking boys.

A Memorable Flight indeed. You know this entire journey has sketched in my mind and I can always go back to the happy place. Well at times people do check me out, I too can feel special and I too can feel the magic in me and around me.

Lastly, I would like to thank the Almighty, my sweet Bhagwanji for being there for me, for ensuring I smile each day I wake up, for the strength which keeps me charged up and motivated always. This is all for You, I hope You enjoy when You see me. Love You always!!!!


Signing out for now and not to forget - an advance Happy birthday to me...!!!