FYI, Eddie is the name of the character played by Hugh Jackman in the Movie 'Someone Like You'.
So to begin with the beginnings. Technically speaking this is my 3rd break up, but logically this is my 2nd break up. Well having dated the same person, and breaking up for the 2nd time,can be a third in the list but actually it is the 2nd. Nonetheless, break up! In my life, I have been in 2 serious relationships and both bitter-sweet. The reason I am omitting the mention of a certain part of my life, where I dated an opportunist is because that can never considered to be love, that could only be considered me being a stupid and he being an asshole. Again, I deviated. Well back to my break-up.
Somehow I appear so calm and quiet about this break-up. Maybe because -
1. I am done with my share of crying (alone of course)
2. I am a stronger person compared to what I was earlier
3. I don't have the luxury to fall apart and break down (because there is none to push me back up)
So as per the above listed reasons, I have accepted my fate and I have learnt to live with it. It still hurts though but all I think about it -
If we cannot laugh at the same joke again and again, why cry about the same thing again and again.
I am the best I have left with. And I am only growing stronger by the day. I know I scare hell lot of people but I also know I am not bad. I am a strong personality but I had to be, who else I can be weak with. The ones I have shared my tears, my emotions and my fears with, have inevitably left me. So why should I be vulnerable in front of those who have only bothered to pass judgement on me all this while. It is indeed tough being this strong and always being on guard., but unfortunately that is what life is for me.
Sometimes my sister's words echo in my ears still and irritates me to the core - "Yeh akelapan tune apne aap hi laya hai, and tu kabhi kisi ke saath khush nahi reh sakti, tu akeli hi rahegi hamesha". Harsh words, but now they make more sense. Well for the English translation - "You have inflicted this loneliness upon you, you can never be happy with anyone, you will be alone forever".
I so wanted to prove her and the world wrong. I have and I continue to prove how others have been wrong about me. But I guess this one time I failed. From getting admission to ACS, to being a part of SXC, from topping in my Class 12, to finding a job on my own and doing good. I have proved every person wrong. But when it comes to love, or finding one true love, I fail miserably. At least by now I know, I am not perfect (shit! all delusions shattered).
Nonetheless as it is established I have no shoulder to cry on, or maybe I have self-inflicted this loneliness, I have to find refuge in movies and books. And I remember I went gaga over the character of Jacob during my 1st break up (I have to get the books back to Bangalore, it was so therapeutic). Today I ended up watching the movie 'Someone Like You', and one of my many favorite actors (to be fair, they are fabulous) Hugh Jackman played the role of Eddie. Initially he appears to be a womanizer, but later we get to see the good side of him. And he is this caring friend, this sensible and logical adviser, this perfect shoulder to cry on, and he ends up being the only right person. I miss having Eddie in my life. I miss having just a friend in my life.
I know I am good with studies, with work, with keeping everyone around me happy. But I am bad at sharing myself with others. And somehow through the blog, lately I have started saying so very much. The people I expect would be near me, would be around me, are the first ones to desert me. But I miss human touch, I miss a voice saying to me it will be alright. I miss the smile I see on a face when they see me. I miss the warmth in human beings around me.
I know I have been hated a lot, but how can I give me on the love I received from others. How can I think ill of others. How can I be mean. All I can do is be on my own, face this world and its harsh realities alone. But I miss having my Eddie, my shoulder to cry on, my friend to advise me to move on. I miss someone hugging me and telling me they are there. I don't want anymore false promises, I don't want any more disappointments. Somehow I don't have that much energy left in me. And yet my heart says it will fall in love again. And you know what, I feel like tearing it out of my body and throwing it away. My brain tells me I am strong and I can face anything. But then why my eyes refuse to shut, why the tears won't stop flowing when I am alone. For the past 2 weeks or so, sleep has escaped me. And I know now why. I have been taking sleeping pills but to no use. Work Life also has its ups and downs.
People ask me to start flirting, to start feeling. But then what about the feeling that I will eventually end up hurting myself. At this juncture of my life, I am looking for a Life Partner and not just a person to hang out with. I have also accepted the fact that it is time for me to get married. The message has been conveyed to the entire family as well. And its time to settle, to adjust, to find a person I can be home with.
Also to accept the truth, there is someone who inevitably brings a smile on my face. Enka, he is little stupid, crazy, but a decent person. With him around, I have managed to smile, I have managed to share myself and I have felt comfortable. But then I am glad he knows nothing about this. And somehow I want to keep it that way. Remember in SXC - Nature Boy, HSBC - Chashmish and now Enka. They have only provided sweet distractions in my life and have helped me get my mind off so many things.
But I still miss having Eddie around me.
I feel now at peace with myself. I feel like I have grown up and matured now. And now its time for me to give my parents what they truly deserve. Mumma, Papa - Soon...!!!!
Thank you Bhagwanji for making me the way I am, for keeping me alive and most importantly for being by my side. Help me be a stronger and a happier person.
So to begin with the beginnings. Technically speaking this is my 3rd break up, but logically this is my 2nd break up. Well having dated the same person, and breaking up for the 2nd time,can be a third in the list but actually it is the 2nd. Nonetheless, break up! In my life, I have been in 2 serious relationships and both bitter-sweet. The reason I am omitting the mention of a certain part of my life, where I dated an opportunist is because that can never considered to be love, that could only be considered me being a stupid and he being an asshole. Again, I deviated. Well back to my break-up.
Somehow I appear so calm and quiet about this break-up. Maybe because -
1. I am done with my share of crying (alone of course)
2. I am a stronger person compared to what I was earlier
3. I don't have the luxury to fall apart and break down (because there is none to push me back up)
So as per the above listed reasons, I have accepted my fate and I have learnt to live with it. It still hurts though but all I think about it -
If we cannot laugh at the same joke again and again, why cry about the same thing again and again.
I am the best I have left with. And I am only growing stronger by the day. I know I scare hell lot of people but I also know I am not bad. I am a strong personality but I had to be, who else I can be weak with. The ones I have shared my tears, my emotions and my fears with, have inevitably left me. So why should I be vulnerable in front of those who have only bothered to pass judgement on me all this while. It is indeed tough being this strong and always being on guard., but unfortunately that is what life is for me.
Sometimes my sister's words echo in my ears still and irritates me to the core - "Yeh akelapan tune apne aap hi laya hai, and tu kabhi kisi ke saath khush nahi reh sakti, tu akeli hi rahegi hamesha". Harsh words, but now they make more sense. Well for the English translation - "You have inflicted this loneliness upon you, you can never be happy with anyone, you will be alone forever".
I so wanted to prove her and the world wrong. I have and I continue to prove how others have been wrong about me. But I guess this one time I failed. From getting admission to ACS, to being a part of SXC, from topping in my Class 12, to finding a job on my own and doing good. I have proved every person wrong. But when it comes to love, or finding one true love, I fail miserably. At least by now I know, I am not perfect (shit! all delusions shattered).
Nonetheless as it is established I have no shoulder to cry on, or maybe I have self-inflicted this loneliness, I have to find refuge in movies and books. And I remember I went gaga over the character of Jacob during my 1st break up (I have to get the books back to Bangalore, it was so therapeutic). Today I ended up watching the movie 'Someone Like You', and one of my many favorite actors (to be fair, they are fabulous) Hugh Jackman played the role of Eddie. Initially he appears to be a womanizer, but later we get to see the good side of him. And he is this caring friend, this sensible and logical adviser, this perfect shoulder to cry on, and he ends up being the only right person. I miss having Eddie in my life. I miss having just a friend in my life.
I know I am good with studies, with work, with keeping everyone around me happy. But I am bad at sharing myself with others. And somehow through the blog, lately I have started saying so very much. The people I expect would be near me, would be around me, are the first ones to desert me. But I miss human touch, I miss a voice saying to me it will be alright. I miss the smile I see on a face when they see me. I miss the warmth in human beings around me.
I know I have been hated a lot, but how can I give me on the love I received from others. How can I think ill of others. How can I be mean. All I can do is be on my own, face this world and its harsh realities alone. But I miss having my Eddie, my shoulder to cry on, my friend to advise me to move on. I miss someone hugging me and telling me they are there. I don't want anymore false promises, I don't want any more disappointments. Somehow I don't have that much energy left in me. And yet my heart says it will fall in love again. And you know what, I feel like tearing it out of my body and throwing it away. My brain tells me I am strong and I can face anything. But then why my eyes refuse to shut, why the tears won't stop flowing when I am alone. For the past 2 weeks or so, sleep has escaped me. And I know now why. I have been taking sleeping pills but to no use. Work Life also has its ups and downs.
People ask me to start flirting, to start feeling. But then what about the feeling that I will eventually end up hurting myself. At this juncture of my life, I am looking for a Life Partner and not just a person to hang out with. I have also accepted the fact that it is time for me to get married. The message has been conveyed to the entire family as well. And its time to settle, to adjust, to find a person I can be home with.
Also to accept the truth, there is someone who inevitably brings a smile on my face. Enka, he is little stupid, crazy, but a decent person. With him around, I have managed to smile, I have managed to share myself and I have felt comfortable. But then I am glad he knows nothing about this. And somehow I want to keep it that way. Remember in SXC - Nature Boy, HSBC - Chashmish and now Enka. They have only provided sweet distractions in my life and have helped me get my mind off so many things.
But I still miss having Eddie around me.
I feel now at peace with myself. I feel like I have grown up and matured now. And now its time for me to give my parents what they truly deserve. Mumma, Papa - Soon...!!!!
Thank you Bhagwanji for making me the way I am, for keeping me alive and most importantly for being by my side. Help me be a stronger and a happier person.
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