It was a Monday…and I always look forward to it. Obviously two days without the God is just too much. So as always the ambience is very important. Let me try and build it up a bit.
The bright morning star was shinning. And still the cold wind seemed to interrupt my thoughts and churn me out of my day dreaming. I so wanted to close the other window but don’t know how it just wouldn’t shut on its own and so I had to do the honors. And I came too too sat on my seat and there again, why cant for a change others not shout my name out loud in the middle of all this crapping? At times I wish I was deaf and dumb but even that wouldn’t have helped because I definitely would have been much better than everyone else in the room as always. :-) So anyways I turn back to see why my name was shouted out so loud and then God appeared. The divine apparition…the sweetest memory…the sweetest sin on Earth :D That was my God there…my muse…my magic. And I was sitting right there where I always sit to worship. And today the white had a natural glow of its own. He speaks really well and he spoke well that day even. But suddenly I saw the window was closed. Who had closed it? How come suddenly out of the black it was closed? And there sitting He gave a look none of us had seen before. He was getting old indeed and soon it will be time for a new member to join in and I was shattered thinking how life would be without any of it. But that is how things are. Some things come and some things go. Some stay back forever even we might not know why? But I was sure things will change soon. I didn’t wanted reality to creep in so fast. And the God was lost in the brightness that day. And I saw the face perhaps the first time. The dull old face was losing its vigor and patience. There was never a glow there. There was never the inspiration here. I was not even alive for him. I, who worshipped…who loved to see him here and there, now and nowhere. It was painful but it was cool so as to say. I still love to love my God thinking that He actually existed…and now even though I know I was in an illusion I don’t mind going back to my world now and then.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
LOVE AT FIRST NIGHT
Preface to “Love at first night”
Inspired by one of my greatest nightmares, I sit to write this out. I have changed the names of the real-life characters I saw in my incomplete nightmare and have tried to give it some kind of an end. And being a part of my subconscious mind and my conscious mind this piece of fiction bears no resemblance to anyone living or dead. Any resemblance is purely co-incidental and unintentional. But nonetheless today I sit after almost one and a half months to share it with everyone.
It was a lazy day for me and so I decided to switch on the television set and let myself loose in the cheap entertainment we so rely upon these days. Nothing good was being aired on the TV as always. It was a hot day for all of us and sitting indoors under the fan was a far better option than being out. The hall was not invaded by any one except me until now. But then I heard footsteps. I turned back to see him standing there. Somehow I had completely forgotten about him. It had been a day of him, living with us, for the 5-days long vacation.
Cody’s mom and my mom were real close friends though I was completely unaware of the fact that he was Kitty Aunt’s son. Born and brought up with his grandparents, Cody had little resemblance with any of his own immediate parents. And now he was studying in my college. This was his first year at college and I was on the verge of leaving the college.
Anyways back to where I was. I had totally forgotten about Cody and now he was definitely looking for some company. Alice, my elder sis, was on the computer, “time-passing” away to glory. So I couldn’t really ask Cody to sit on the computer. The only other option was to hand over the TV remote to him and I was not ready to part with such a precious possession to someone I hardly knew. So I asked him which room he wants to settle for the coming days. And to my utter misery he chose my room. I was completely devastated to realize that I have to get my possessions out of my own precious little room. Though it was a deal between me, di and mom, to let the guy chose his room and stay out of our lives; I had decorated the guest room so nicely. :-( This was so unfair and hard on me. I felt warm tears touching my cheeks. But then he didn’t seem to notice. Thank God for that.
With a mournful and pensive mood I went to my room to take my precious things when the telephone rang. I wished and prayed for Kitty Aunty to call us up and say that she needs Cody to go back to her for the vacation. But adding to my miseries it was my Granny who announced her visit to our place for the next whole week. Gosh now that was a bigger pain… And Oh No! I don’t even get the guest room to myself.
I went back to my room and saw Cody sitting on my bed. I casually asked him what he was up to and all he said was: “You know you are so lucky. You have such a beautiful and cozy room. I wish I could stay here like forever”.
“Huh? Are you serious? Do you even know that because of you I now have no place to sleep in the house?” My anger puked out on his face. And shit, I went red. But he didn’t say a word to me. Good for him or else I was planning to bash him up and throw him away to some garbage yard. :D
Later in the evening when Alice left the computer I politely asked Cody to go and enjoy the pleasures offered by the virtual world. I was sure he never had a girl friend in his life, for he was definitely not the mixing type. Rather I expected him to have a virtual love relationship. Gosh, some still believe in that crap. None of my business though. So he sat on the computer and my Granny arrived with her seven big brown bags, (I guess she needs one bag per day to make herself going. :P )
We had our dinner and Cody said that he wasn’t hungry. Who is concerned? Well for sure mom is. After eating the delicious meal prepared especially for the monkey (Cody) on the computer I was happy that at least I was getting a wholesome meal for a change at our home. “Mom, that surely was a great meal”. After this I seriously wanted to lie down for a while and go into the darker and deeper aspects of life…not death but sleep when one can forget all the stupid events of the day and rest for a while only to wake up in a world full of realities which hurt. I still was angry about my room. :-(
Unable to find a place to rest I went inside Alice’s room to sleep for a while. I noticed that Cody was still on the computer. Now all my doubts are cleared. The loser lives practically in the virtual world and definitely lacks a real life. Anyways that is none of my concern.
“Hey Cody, I am sleeping here for a while. When Alice comes, just wake me up and yeah, do carry on with whatever you doing”. Eh! He turns red whenever I say anything to him. Strange creature!!! After saying so I turned my back to the computer and closed my eyes.
Oh!! What peace. My shoulders were a little tensed and I was thinking of getting myself a massage the very next day. Oh no! I don’t want another day with the creep moving around in the house and my room. Why God why???
Suddenly something happened to me…all I could feel was warm inside me. What was wrong? Hey what was that on my lips? Why did it feel so warm and so sweet? So true, pure and absolutely blissful…what was it? I haven’t felt like this ever and my lips were getting wet as well. There was something sweet about it. Sweeter than all the chocolates I run after. Hey, IT WAS MY FIRST KISS.
Who the fuck is it? I have kissed people [as in guys also] earlier but never on the lips. Who dared do that to me suddenly? I got out of the bed to find that Cody wasn’t on the computer and rather there was different wallpaper on my desktop. It stated: “No matter whether you get to know or not…no matter if you see or not…You must always know that I know you, I see you and would do so till my senses and eyes and my life give up on me”.
What sweet lines were they… While reading them I sat on the computer to find a folder named after me “Tara”. And I am Tara. :-)
I was so excited now. I opened the contents of the folder and to my utter surprise I found my pictures which I didn’t even know existed. And was that me? So pretty…How was that even possible?
I changed the wallpaper and moved the folder to a safe place where no one could see. But he was two years younger to me. Can all this be possible or am I just imagining things? Is this a prank of some kind? God, what is it all about? All kinds of stupid things were now coming to my mind and I had to go up to my room.
Granny, “Tara dear, come here for a while. Can you help me out? I can’t find my slippers and I am dead tired now”.
“Not now Granny”, I wanted to shout so badly but instead I ran here and there frantically searching for her slippers. Why the hell does all this have to happen now? And there it was. I gave her the slippers and send her off to sleep in the guest room. And I was climbing the stairs when mom called me.
“Tara, I guess you have to share the room tonight with Cody. Dear, I know how much you love your privacy but don’t worry I have set another bed there as well and I am sure you will be alright”.
“Okay mom, as if I have options”. I hid my excitement there. :D
I remember when I would go out with the whole gang, we guys and girls would be in the same room and we managed pretty well because we were best of friends. Anyways, finally I climbed the stairs to my room. He was sitting on the bed mom had made beside the window. He was looking out of the window, his back, towards me as I entered the room,
“Tara, you might be surprised but I have loved you since the day your mom mailed some of your family pictures to us. I kept on looking at those pictures for hours and hours and I couldn’t understand how someone could be so happy? Though I saw, there was something missing in your eyes. Some pictures had a lovely glow in them and the recent ones missed them. I wondered what was wrong. Then I clicked some of my own pictures and noticed I never had that glow in me. I googled your name and got to know as much as I could. Somehow I even got hold of your own personal blog and it made me wonder how I will ever reach for the stars. I wanted to reach to you, to touch you, to tell you that even I am here with you, to love you even though you might not know me. I was in the 12th standard, when I decided to join your college. I wanted to see you, and what I saw was more beautiful than I had pictured. I wanted to reach out to you when you were waiting alone in the canteen the other day for your union meeting. I waited in the canteen till you had not left for the meeting. When Saki introduced me to you, I purposely didn’t say anything about my mom. I noticed you ever since I came to college. I am sorry to interrupt in your life but I couldn’t help but see how good you were to others, even to me when you offered the chloromint and stupidly enough, I refused. I could have taken it and kept it with me for like, forever, but I refused. How could I ever say no to you? And today when you were sleeping peacefully, I couldn’t control myself. I am sorry to have offended you like this and I never thought that we would have to sleep in the same room. All I ever want you to know is that you have kept me going for long. When I didn’t have someone to talk to, I would talk to you. It is more than a year now that I have loved you day in and out, without you knowing. And even if you say no to me I would not mind because what matters to me the most is that you are happy and safe.”
I was speechless; I didn’t know what to do? I closed the door behind me, locking the two lost creatures inside the room and went up to him and hugged him. He didn’t touch me that night after the kiss saying that it was a big mistake. I don’t know why but I felt it was my first kiss that made me fall in love with Cody…
And today when I look back it was just like yesterday. But the fact is we are married now for ten long years and when I look at our 7 year old Zack, I feel I am the luckiest person alive. Mom and Dad had initially protested to both of us but gradually they understood what mattered was not age but understanding between the two. Cody is still so loving and caring and I still feel the warmth in his kiss, it still is so sweet and yes I found the word…heavenly. And it still feels like the first day, like the first kiss. We have been each others first and last love and as I am getting ready to close my eyes into the darker and deeper world of the dead I want everyone to know how very special Cody is to me. How the magic happened between us…and how cruel can God’s plans be. He never cries in front of me despite knowing that I am leaving him forever… And I don’t know what will happen next but I am sure he will do great without me. He is my best buddy, my first and last love, my life, my husband and I couldn’t be anything without him. He knows how much I love him and he knows I cry myself to sleep these days and yet he greets me with a smile every morning. Oh! How badly I want it to be like our first night together… in my room… when we sat… and saw the starry night turn into day…how the rays of the sun warmed us both together and how we promised to be stand by each other forever. I am not going to be with him any longer... I am leaving sooner than anticipated… but… IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST NIGHT… it was MAGICAL… and how I wish this magic could last a little long. :-)
Inspired by one of my greatest nightmares, I sit to write this out. I have changed the names of the real-life characters I saw in my incomplete nightmare and have tried to give it some kind of an end. And being a part of my subconscious mind and my conscious mind this piece of fiction bears no resemblance to anyone living or dead. Any resemblance is purely co-incidental and unintentional. But nonetheless today I sit after almost one and a half months to share it with everyone.
LOVE AT FIRST NIGHT
It was a lazy day for me and so I decided to switch on the television set and let myself loose in the cheap entertainment we so rely upon these days. Nothing good was being aired on the TV as always. It was a hot day for all of us and sitting indoors under the fan was a far better option than being out. The hall was not invaded by any one except me until now. But then I heard footsteps. I turned back to see him standing there. Somehow I had completely forgotten about him. It had been a day of him, living with us, for the 5-days long vacation.
Cody’s mom and my mom were real close friends though I was completely unaware of the fact that he was Kitty Aunt’s son. Born and brought up with his grandparents, Cody had little resemblance with any of his own immediate parents. And now he was studying in my college. This was his first year at college and I was on the verge of leaving the college.
Anyways back to where I was. I had totally forgotten about Cody and now he was definitely looking for some company. Alice, my elder sis, was on the computer, “time-passing” away to glory. So I couldn’t really ask Cody to sit on the computer. The only other option was to hand over the TV remote to him and I was not ready to part with such a precious possession to someone I hardly knew. So I asked him which room he wants to settle for the coming days. And to my utter misery he chose my room. I was completely devastated to realize that I have to get my possessions out of my own precious little room. Though it was a deal between me, di and mom, to let the guy chose his room and stay out of our lives; I had decorated the guest room so nicely. :-( This was so unfair and hard on me. I felt warm tears touching my cheeks. But then he didn’t seem to notice. Thank God for that.
With a mournful and pensive mood I went to my room to take my precious things when the telephone rang. I wished and prayed for Kitty Aunty to call us up and say that she needs Cody to go back to her for the vacation. But adding to my miseries it was my Granny who announced her visit to our place for the next whole week. Gosh now that was a bigger pain… And Oh No! I don’t even get the guest room to myself.
I went back to my room and saw Cody sitting on my bed. I casually asked him what he was up to and all he said was: “You know you are so lucky. You have such a beautiful and cozy room. I wish I could stay here like forever”.
“Huh? Are you serious? Do you even know that because of you I now have no place to sleep in the house?” My anger puked out on his face. And shit, I went red. But he didn’t say a word to me. Good for him or else I was planning to bash him up and throw him away to some garbage yard. :D
Later in the evening when Alice left the computer I politely asked Cody to go and enjoy the pleasures offered by the virtual world. I was sure he never had a girl friend in his life, for he was definitely not the mixing type. Rather I expected him to have a virtual love relationship. Gosh, some still believe in that crap. None of my business though. So he sat on the computer and my Granny arrived with her seven big brown bags, (I guess she needs one bag per day to make herself going. :P )
We had our dinner and Cody said that he wasn’t hungry. Who is concerned? Well for sure mom is. After eating the delicious meal prepared especially for the monkey (Cody) on the computer I was happy that at least I was getting a wholesome meal for a change at our home. “Mom, that surely was a great meal”. After this I seriously wanted to lie down for a while and go into the darker and deeper aspects of life…not death but sleep when one can forget all the stupid events of the day and rest for a while only to wake up in a world full of realities which hurt. I still was angry about my room. :-(
Unable to find a place to rest I went inside Alice’s room to sleep for a while. I noticed that Cody was still on the computer. Now all my doubts are cleared. The loser lives practically in the virtual world and definitely lacks a real life. Anyways that is none of my concern.
“Hey Cody, I am sleeping here for a while. When Alice comes, just wake me up and yeah, do carry on with whatever you doing”. Eh! He turns red whenever I say anything to him. Strange creature!!! After saying so I turned my back to the computer and closed my eyes.
Oh!! What peace. My shoulders were a little tensed and I was thinking of getting myself a massage the very next day. Oh no! I don’t want another day with the creep moving around in the house and my room. Why God why???
Suddenly something happened to me…all I could feel was warm inside me. What was wrong? Hey what was that on my lips? Why did it feel so warm and so sweet? So true, pure and absolutely blissful…what was it? I haven’t felt like this ever and my lips were getting wet as well. There was something sweet about it. Sweeter than all the chocolates I run after. Hey, IT WAS MY FIRST KISS.
Who the fuck is it? I have kissed people [as in guys also] earlier but never on the lips. Who dared do that to me suddenly? I got out of the bed to find that Cody wasn’t on the computer and rather there was different wallpaper on my desktop. It stated: “No matter whether you get to know or not…no matter if you see or not…You must always know that I know you, I see you and would do so till my senses and eyes and my life give up on me”.
What sweet lines were they… While reading them I sat on the computer to find a folder named after me “Tara”. And I am Tara. :-)
I was so excited now. I opened the contents of the folder and to my utter surprise I found my pictures which I didn’t even know existed. And was that me? So pretty…How was that even possible?
I changed the wallpaper and moved the folder to a safe place where no one could see. But he was two years younger to me. Can all this be possible or am I just imagining things? Is this a prank of some kind? God, what is it all about? All kinds of stupid things were now coming to my mind and I had to go up to my room.
Granny, “Tara dear, come here for a while. Can you help me out? I can’t find my slippers and I am dead tired now”.
“Not now Granny”, I wanted to shout so badly but instead I ran here and there frantically searching for her slippers. Why the hell does all this have to happen now? And there it was. I gave her the slippers and send her off to sleep in the guest room. And I was climbing the stairs when mom called me.
“Tara, I guess you have to share the room tonight with Cody. Dear, I know how much you love your privacy but don’t worry I have set another bed there as well and I am sure you will be alright”.
“Okay mom, as if I have options”. I hid my excitement there. :D
I remember when I would go out with the whole gang, we guys and girls would be in the same room and we managed pretty well because we were best of friends. Anyways, finally I climbed the stairs to my room. He was sitting on the bed mom had made beside the window. He was looking out of the window, his back, towards me as I entered the room,
“Tara, you might be surprised but I have loved you since the day your mom mailed some of your family pictures to us. I kept on looking at those pictures for hours and hours and I couldn’t understand how someone could be so happy? Though I saw, there was something missing in your eyes. Some pictures had a lovely glow in them and the recent ones missed them. I wondered what was wrong. Then I clicked some of my own pictures and noticed I never had that glow in me. I googled your name and got to know as much as I could. Somehow I even got hold of your own personal blog and it made me wonder how I will ever reach for the stars. I wanted to reach to you, to touch you, to tell you that even I am here with you, to love you even though you might not know me. I was in the 12th standard, when I decided to join your college. I wanted to see you, and what I saw was more beautiful than I had pictured. I wanted to reach out to you when you were waiting alone in the canteen the other day for your union meeting. I waited in the canteen till you had not left for the meeting. When Saki introduced me to you, I purposely didn’t say anything about my mom. I noticed you ever since I came to college. I am sorry to interrupt in your life but I couldn’t help but see how good you were to others, even to me when you offered the chloromint and stupidly enough, I refused. I could have taken it and kept it with me for like, forever, but I refused. How could I ever say no to you? And today when you were sleeping peacefully, I couldn’t control myself. I am sorry to have offended you like this and I never thought that we would have to sleep in the same room. All I ever want you to know is that you have kept me going for long. When I didn’t have someone to talk to, I would talk to you. It is more than a year now that I have loved you day in and out, without you knowing. And even if you say no to me I would not mind because what matters to me the most is that you are happy and safe.”
I was speechless; I didn’t know what to do? I closed the door behind me, locking the two lost creatures inside the room and went up to him and hugged him. He didn’t touch me that night after the kiss saying that it was a big mistake. I don’t know why but I felt it was my first kiss that made me fall in love with Cody…
And today when I look back it was just like yesterday. But the fact is we are married now for ten long years and when I look at our 7 year old Zack, I feel I am the luckiest person alive. Mom and Dad had initially protested to both of us but gradually they understood what mattered was not age but understanding between the two. Cody is still so loving and caring and I still feel the warmth in his kiss, it still is so sweet and yes I found the word…heavenly. And it still feels like the first day, like the first kiss. We have been each others first and last love and as I am getting ready to close my eyes into the darker and deeper world of the dead I want everyone to know how very special Cody is to me. How the magic happened between us…and how cruel can God’s plans be. He never cries in front of me despite knowing that I am leaving him forever… And I don’t know what will happen next but I am sure he will do great without me. He is my best buddy, my first and last love, my life, my husband and I couldn’t be anything without him. He knows how much I love him and he knows I cry myself to sleep these days and yet he greets me with a smile every morning. Oh! How badly I want it to be like our first night together… in my room… when we sat… and saw the starry night turn into day…how the rays of the sun warmed us both together and how we promised to be stand by each other forever. I am not going to be with him any longer... I am leaving sooner than anticipated… but… IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST NIGHT… it was MAGICAL… and how I wish this magic could last a little long. :-)
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