Between me and Her

And in those eyes
I saw the rage
She had against me
Her anger sparkled
Those eyes spoke as if
She wanted me to break down
Wanted me to let go
In those eyes
She reflected my strength
I never knew I had.
In those eyes
She had the anger
and the warmth
They warned me
and yet they promised me of love.
In Her eyes
I saw it all
And then I saw Her smile
The calm, peaceful smile
The purity in Her smile
The innocence in Her
As if were all mine.
In those eyes
I felt inspired
I felt alive
I felt I could breathe again.
In those eyes
I saw myself
I saw Her
And no one knew that She
Only looked at me.

Is this it?

For quite some time now I had wanted to write something but I don’t exactly know why but I stopped myself every time. Maybe because I didn’t want to hurt myself anymore. But today I want to speak; I want myself to hear me out. I don’t want to avoid this feeling; I just want to speak up.

When we love someone or when we assume that we love someone, what can be our limits of that love or likeness? Well this is no distance and time question that we can measure it but I am sure there must be some boundaries, some limits where we should know that it is time for us to stop. I don’t seriously know what I am made of because I seem to love and like a hell lot of things and people around me and believe it or not I end up doing so much that I don’t even realize that I should have stopped. I give people the opportunity to take me for granted because by then they know that no matter what this stupid silly girl will be with them.  

I don’t know but why I always get hurt. Am I supposed to be selfish when it comes to loving someone or liking a person? Strangely enough I never followed any such rules in life and I got hit, bad and that too every time. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I just go to office work, think of my stats, come back home and worry about my family and that is all I have left for me.

I don’t exactly know whether there will be an end to this trend I follow since the day I gained consciousness. But I got to be stronger and smarter now. It shouldn’t be the mantra of my entire life. Because then I would absolutely go bonkers. Wow… The word “bonkers” used it after a long time and believe it bought a smile, it sounds silly yet so me. I am bonkers most of the times but I want a happy ending for a change. I cannot always hide from what I feel inside. I feel like that character in ‘(by Danielle Steele) who dies, she is a writer, not the protagonist, but the late wife of the male lead whom he knows and yet he accepts that there was a part of her he could never reach out to, a part she kept to herself no matter how much she loved him, she hid that part away from him. Was it her dark side or was it a part of her who believed in loving others and did mistakes one after the other? Was it a part of her she was ashamed of because she was vulnerable or was she too proud to show that part which once fell?

Well frankly speaking I have to read the book again but somehow I feel that there can be no one person who will know and understand the complete me. This doesn’t mean I am some alien, I just am different. Hopefully someone someday will realize it and maybe things will be a lot different then.

#Hopeful #Thank #You #Bhagwanji #for #everything

And I wish...

I wish I was a story

A simple beginning

A little twisted middle

But with a happy ending.

A story told by many

Heard by so many more

And yet a story

Lived only by one, me.

A beautiful tale of love and sacrifice

Or a tale of long lost love

But love it would be

The theme of my story

If only I was a love story.

But then I also wish

If I was just a pet dog

Loved by many

Feed by my master

No worries of money

No tensions no stress to take

Sit on the lap of my loved ones

Play with the ones who care

Get treats every now and then

Howling and barking every now and then

And die a healthy death

Or be alone to feed for myself.

O how I wish I was not a human

With these feelings and emotions

The pain the hurt

The troubles to take care of

And to smile no matter what

To hide the sadness

To be happy every now and then

To get hurt and bleed

To fall in love and fall some more

To chase things unnecessary

To forget the reason of existence

If only I was not a human

But a thing used by them?

I would have been valued more….

An encounter with myself...

While sipping through the cup of life
I look up to the mirror only to fid
A shadow of something which used to be mine
The dark eyes stare back at me
The cold hands catch me shivering
And Oh! I have forgotten what used to be mine.

The clock tickles, I can see it
Time doesn't move, I can feel it
Still I stumble over only to find
I just cannot see anymore what used to be mine
I can only make out the outline of a smile
My legs are tired, did they just run a mile?
Heartbeats echo throughout the room
It's fun to see how much it can beat just before it is bout to die
I stare back at the mirror, this body is still mine.


I had written this on 17th Nov 2012, my Chaiji's birthday. I donot remember the exact reason as to why I had suddenly written such a weird poem, yet I found it in my old cell phone so thought of posting. No changes have been made to the original piece. Miss you Chaiji always.

Thank You Bhagwanji for everything.

Chasmish...!!!!!

I am sure a few have come across this name Chasmish in many of my blogs. Well nothing great, Chasmish is this really smart looking guy in office I used to have a crush on and no more. But for me to elaborate more on it you have to read on.

From the very first day I entered this office of mine, I have seen Chasmish and believe me he has always brought a smile on my face even though he is least aware of that. I have always admired tall guys who are good looking, but Chasmish has managed to sustain my interest until only recently when tragedy befell on me. But before that I would like to talk about him a bit. He is like the sweet nothings we smile at sometimes. It was only after I completed my 2 years in the office that I came to know of his name and unfortunately his religion too. Even though it shouldn't matter as he is just an innocent crush of mine but then if ever I thought I could have a future with him, all my dreams ended right there. But still I really like whenever I get to see him in office. He has, unknowingly been a great source of strength and happiness for me. Well what more to say, I have seen him picking his nose and believe it or not, I found him cute doing that even. Strange isn't it? Yet I have a sweet liking towards him.

Once he opened the door for me, once I screamed Chasmish across the corridor, no matter how many times my eyes followed him and we have crossed each others path. I know he would have hardly noticed me, first because I guess I am not that great looking, also because I always suspect he has a girlfriend. Yet I have this insanely huge crush on him. And I have already seen him in my dreams for in total 3 times, counting the most recent one I woke up to today.

I saw him approaching me and we had a sweet little conversation and then he kind of asked me out. And obviously I said a yes. We even went on a date and I remember staring at his beautiful eyes through his specs and I remember feeling shy in front of him and his such an adorable smile which belonged all to me. I wish the dream would have gone on for like forever. But rather it woke me up and I smiled to myself just imagining Chashmish near me.

So determined I look for him and all my suspicions were true. He is into a relationship and I pray that it is a happy and a healthy one. I want him to find the true love he deserves. But I am sad. Maybe he will never know I exist. He will never know how much he is admired but I guess that is for my own good. Any ways with the weird reputation I have these days, it is best that he stays in the dark. But I know he knows that I kinda like him. But I am disappointed. I seriously don't know what I want. But yes I want Chashmish to be happy with his love. And also I guess I want to know him and be friends with him if possible. Lets see if that ever happens. Chashmish, you bugger, why?!?!?!?!

Still buddy thanks for everything. You are always admired and adored. Take Care my dear and be good to your loved ones.

And Then...

I have so much to do

But so less of strength

I want to move ahead

But I know it now and then

The many hurdles I need to cross

The many lives I need to touch

Much to do

And time haunts me

They laugh and make me a joke

They point fingers at me

And I wish if only

And then I have this life

Or the life has me?

Lots is left to be covered

Lots need to be finished

And then I realize

It is not only me

Nothing to trust

Nothing to believe

And yet I still say

If only...

In an alternate universe...

Well for a change I was suddenly thinking of an alternate universe. Had I been a part of such an universe, what would be different? It got me thinking and I came up with some real weird ideas. Frankly I would not like to disclose such ideas because I do not know who will react to them as to how. But yes I would like to be loved for a change. I would like to be taken care of for a change. Maybe in an alternate universe I wouldn't have been so strong and so alone. In an alternate universe I wouldn't have to fake smiles and others would have been genuine to. I would not have been called such bad names and my parents would have always been happy.

Oh! I wish I was in that alternate universe. I would have been so happy. If only we had the brains and things wouldn't have been so messed up. If only I wouldn't have cause so much pain and trouble to all. If only...

But it is a very good thing to think of. Well frankly speaking it helped me a lot. I can always escape to this alternate universe of mine and see and feel what I want to. If only it had been real. But then it is for me.

Thank You for creating such a beautiful alternate universe for me...

Thank You!

The Dream Catcher...

I am a dreamer and the whole world knows it by now. But the weird part about my dreams is that they do not have the ability to ever be turned into reality. Well in so many ways it is good but then it is irritating as well. For the past couple of days however I have been seeing these weird dreams which I remember in bits and pieces but somehow they make no sense to me. Yet somehow they are a part of me and no matter how strange they may sound I am very much a part of them. So I will be narrating a couple of weird incomplete dreams of mine, let's see if at all I can recall them.

The very first dream I would like to narrate is that of a friend of mine, well he used to be a friend and he saw me in one of his dreams. This dream was a couple of months back when we were in speaking terms and we used to share a couple of things but no more. As always good things come to an end but without further delays I would narrate the dream. So he saw me in his school campus and we were walking down this road. He remembers me clearly because it was only both of us who were walking down that specific road, a road my friend holds close to his heart and it was the first time I was there with him. Obviously he was showing me around and even in the dream he was quite confused as to why I was even there with him.Anyways as we walk down this road we meet an old person. According to my friend the old man had completely grey hair and was very fair and it seemed as if I had known that person for a long time. So ignoring my friend I start talking with the old man and I start walking down the road with the old man, completely forgetting about my friend who stands dazed as he is not able to understand our conversation or even realize the fact that I am leaving with the old man.
According to me, the old man he saw in the dream could have been my grandfather, Daddyji. Rest I would not like to say anymore.

This dream I had was also some months back. I was entering the gates of my very old school along with Chaiji by my side. I ask Chaiji to wait outside so that I can log onto my system and accompany her back to the car where Dad will drive her home. I clearly remember rushing to my desk in the school where I see a couple of familiar faces from my office, I inform them that I have to rush so as to accompany my Chaiji out till the car. As soon as I rush out, I see Chaiji walking back the steps all alone. I call out to her, asking her to stop but she just turns back and smiles at me and I start running after her. I see myself running in the old school field towards the exist, but Chaiji is already gone and I cannot see her anymore.
I miss you Chaiji. It has been exactly six months today that you are no longer with us, but I miss you. But you know I will not cry, I am a strong girl, your strong girl. Just take good care of yourself and please do not worry about us. And also if possible tell Bhagwanji it is time for him to send my Knight in shining armor. I need him this time to be by my side.

Now in this dream I see no one specific besides myself. And I clearly do not remember the intricate details of this weird dream of mine. But what I do clearly remember is the fact that I am about to die in this dream and the people around me are also aware of the fact that I am about to die. The cause of death is something I seriously cannot recall, but then I saw myself lying on my bed and someone tapping me on my shoulders asking me to follow as it is time for me to go. Rest I do not remember much but yes I do remember waking up that moment and praying to Bhagwanji. Lets see what happens next.

This very next dream of mine happened the day just after I saw myself dying. Well I can clearly remember this dream of mine with some really specific details. To begin with it was another school of mine where I saw one of my bestest buddies from college with whom once again I am not much in talking terms. However I am working even though it is my school building and while I climb the stairs I know this friend of mine is following me and I am so trying to avoid him because of this fight which we actually had in real life. But then he comes from behind, taps me on my shoulder hugs me and apologizes. I could see that he was genuine in his apology. So anyways I go back to my work and I come out of the washroom just to remember that I have forgotten my wallet inside. So as I go inside the washroom I see my wallet but I realize that there was a bundle of Rs.250 (100+100+50) and Rs.600(500+100) missing. I do not surprisingly panic but my friend does who runs around here and there asking people about the money.Then while I check my wallet again I find Rs.250 stacked nicely but the Rs.600 is still missing. While my friend is still involved in the search I tell him not to worry as I am about to die any ways (reference to my previous dream) and I walk down and take the cab back home.

So many dreams and such a harsh reality. I seriously do not know what to make of my dreams. But I do know that I love my dreams no matter what. Not all of them but yes some of them. By the way I just realized it is time for me to sleep. So good night, sweet dreams, sleep well and God bless everyone.

Thank you Bhagwanji for everything.

Will there ever be an end???

I find it strange that nothing has an end. There is no end to anything. Even death doesn't stop anything. Well Daddyji passed away, nothing stopped. He was not there with us but did that stop us from living our lives? Yes, there was pain, there was hurt and regrets, but for how long? Nothing has an end to it. For him perhaps everything came to an end, but if we look at the bigger picture, did anything stop? Same goes for Chaiji, it is almost 6 months, damn 6 whole months without her when she couldn't even stay 6 hours away from us. But has this made any difference in our lives? Aren't we still breathing, still slogging to stay above the water?

Basically there is no end. The sun will rise, the rain will fall, the stars will shine, the flowers will bloom. As for people they will be back to their mundane lives, the many routines they so rigorously follow. So will it make any difference if I am not here? I guess for a few days it will but after that everything will be normal.

After whatever happened I guess it is time for me to bid my farewell. I have tortured everyone enough and I guess in this whole process I myself have become more bitter and I cannot control my anger anymore. Ignorance is bliss and I so wish for ignorance. But unfortunately I am the only one who seems to know everything and yet cannot ignore it. I am the one who suffers in silence the brunt of this undeniable truth. I am the one who should die with a million secrets in my heart. And oh! how much I wish to end all of this. How much I wish life would show me the end I want to. But if only I had strength enough, I lack the essential courage for it. Even though I had planned a couple of things in my mind, seems like nothing works in my favor ever. This time it has to happen. I need to be away from everyone. I must have the courage to leave and live the life I truly deserve for a change. I need to runaway. I have no idea as to where and how, but the day is coming soon.

I never expected the door to open right on my face that is still hurts. I didn't want to bruises to show. I didn't want to flaunt my wounds to anyone and so it shall be. I will be the closed book I have been for ages. No more friends, no more sharing of myself with others and no more trusting people. It is time for me to learn my lessons and to move on in life. I want to leave everything behind me and I want to move on. But why is it so difficult, why it seems impossible? I ain't the one to be scared of others, but somehow I am. I am scared of the very thought that people will hurt me again, they will use me and throw me away, they will call me names and not bother about it. It is time for me to move on, but how I do not know.

I have to find my end. I have to find a way to be away from everything and everyone. Bhagwanji help me. I have no strength in me anymore to live like this. I have endured a lot of changes and have taken up a lot of things I never thought I would ever have to. But I need this all to end. Please give me strength enough so that I can leave everything behind me. Give me the courage to leave with a smile and let others be in peace. I know death is not an option for me, but help me find a way to leave without having to make others feel sad. Help me move on.... Help me find an end...

Wrong Notions...

I am really shocked and appalled at this. Just because I am single and currently dating no one doesn't mean that I am available for stupid pointless flings. How can people even think like that? Do I look like someone who will sleep around with people for fun? Or do I look like someone who is easy to be taken and conquered in the bed? Seriously I feel violated. I wish to slap these people right across their faces. But then why should I dirty my hands for such creeps. I know anyways they will talk about me behind my back and contribute to the million rumors which are already doing their rounds about me. I seriously am doubting myself now. How else should I carry on with my life and these rubbish things in my life?

I am done explaining myself to such shit heads. They will anyways presume and assume what they want to, what is easier for them to digest. It would definitely will be hard for them to know the innermost secrets of my life and myself. They want to see me in the arms of other men, any men just for the sake of their stupid amusement. For them I am only a source of entertainment and not a human being who breathes and unfortunately has feelings. I seriously am feeling so depressed I don't know what I should expect next. I wanted life to surprise me, I hoped it would be pleasant surprises now and then. But I guess my life loves the excitement and only surprises me for the worst. If only things weren't this crazy, I guess I would have been the sanest person around.

And the worst part, the people who spread these rubbish rumors are those for whom I truly cared. And I don't want to question anyone. What should I ask them? They own me nothing, no explanation no friendship. But yes they do own themselves entertainment, be it on the expense of others. It feels like I am a part of others amusement and entertainment and they think not that I too may have feelings, that I too am capable of getting hurt. But then this is what I deserve. I have caused troubles for a number of people, so this perhaps is my turn to face the consequences of it.

Expecting love and friendship from others is something I should have done away with a long time ago. But this stupid heart still hopes, still beats, still feels. Oh! but how I want this heart just to stop. I would rather be dead than to face such wrong notions about people. I am done trying to be strong, trying to face these rubbish accusations, trying to pretend that everything is fine. I want all this to end. Please Bhagwanji, if only you are listening, and I know you are, make it the end of all wrong notions, not just of others but of me too. Please end all of this, end me... Let peace be with all with this end.

Just tired of all the wrong notions. 

The one who reigns...

The confusion reigns

The thoughts remain

The sorrows and that pain

The worries and this strain

The lost trust

The lies which rust

The love which dies

The troubles in vain

Oh! and this confusion reigns

Those smiles which hide

A million sorrows inside

Those tears which fail

To shed beside

The hands which move

Looking out for you

The eyes which see

An empty space beneath

Oh! and this confusion reigns

The miss and touch

That nod and hush

Those whispers and winks

And then brightness sinks

The darkness around

The fear of the sound

The last good bye

And I still manage to smile

Oh! and this confusion reigns.

Should I miss you or not?

Should I laugh out loud?

Should I scream and shout?

Or should I just howl?

I miss you

I always do

Hope you are safe

Heaven is for you

Oh! the love begins…

And it is to reign…

Dedicated to my Chaiji and Daddyji...!!!

<3 p="">

Complicated confusions...

Well after a lot of thinking I came up with this title for my blog. What to do, haven't written for quite sometime and now things are royally complicated as well as confusing. So what better than Complicated Confusions. It only goes on to show how royally screwed I am and my life can be.

To begin with these morning shifts I am doing. It actually feels like I am in a Government Job or something but I am slogging my ass like a crazy corporate fanatic. I can't go for movies, weekends the prices are horrible. I can't go out before or after shift. Even parents are facing problems. I don't know how people prefer morning shifts. I am so very much missing my night shifts and most importantly my night shift allowance. Moreover these shitty morning shifts are so damn expensive. I end up spending more than I have ever done in my entire career. But I can see my crush because of these morning shifts. Damn Man... you are a great inspiration for me to work. Thank you man for being there, even though I do not exist for you, you are very much a part of my smiles in office.

And because of this stupid shift, I cannot meet most of my friends who are either in night shifts or are as busy as I am. The only thing good about this is the week offs, I get to spend with my family. And imagine me cooking for everyone. Isn't that the biggest achievement of all. But it again adds to my complication, now I have the added responsibility of ensuring no one sleeps with an empty stomach. So I have to prepare food and serve it at the right time for everyone. Wow increases my responsibility and hence more confusions.

Then since I am kind of away from my friends I have to make new ones and that is where the whole plot of complicated confusion thickens. This whole pretending to be friends and bitching behind my back really gets onto my nerves. But the fact is when people speak bad things about you behind your back,it doesn't reflect your character as much as it speaks about their true nature. But who am I to judge? I myself am no angel with wings. But atleast I don't pretend to like someone just for the sake of it. And I would really appreciate if people do the same. As if that is ever going to happen.

I miss my friends a hell lot. Guys, I just wish this shift ends soon. I am done trying to sit quietly and do my work.

The worst part, yesterday I realized that I still haven't expressed myself completely on losing Chaiji. Oh! How much I miss you each day. I remember you always being there when I am in pain, trying to calm me and making me fall asleep. I remember how you would always encourage me to be myself and not to change for others. For the first time yesterday I cried for you Chaiji. I still have so much to say to you but I can't. I just hope Daddyji is not angry on me. Let him know that I miss him too. You both have been the best part of my life and I wish and pray that I get you both as my parents in my next life, only if I am not born as an animal slaughtered in the meat shop.

I want to start dating again. But I seriously cannot trust anyone anymore. I have lost that essential quality of trusting others. And Justin says that is for my very own good. According to him the more easily I trust people the more people will take me for granted. Well he definitely has a point. Non- arguable. Because of my past horrendous experiences I fail to debate with him. But it really is becoming a challenge for me now to trust anyone at all. Maybe for my very own good.

I am still confused and it is getting complicated by the day. Please let the day come soon. I so don't want to breathe anymore. I so want to end it all here. I so want to give up. I am done being the strong one. I want to be the weakest of all, the sickest of all, dead of all.......

Change....

Change is the only thing constant. Well a true saying indeed and who so ever has failed to realize the importance of this very statement is the biggest fool alive. Change is something which happens every second of life and it is inevitable. We cannot predict it but we know it is there, waiting for us to relax and then bring about the change.

I too have changed a hell lot over the past few months. I have stopped trusting people for once. Thank God for that because I am done with people hurting me every now and then and taking me for granted. Frankly speaking everyone is selfish and it is not wrong to think of yourself before you can think of others. Nonetheless this change is for my very own good. Another drastic change has come in the fact that I am cooking these days. And not just chapatis or paranthas, but proper edible food.

I have prepared dal, a simple yet tasty dish. At least I found it to be tasty. Then ALOO BHAJA, my very own favorite, was a little spicy for my taste yet it was tasty for someone who has not cooked in her entire life. Bhindi, not a personal favorite, yet I tried making it and believe me it actually worked. I am so taken aback by my own abilities to cook. That I know I can do it too now. Though I do not want to cook on a regular basis because the very nature of cooking abhors me. And see how the tables have turn that now I myself have to indulge in this very act of cooking. Also I made Kaale Channe, the typical Punjabi style. I was impressed by the very outcome of the dish. It was not just true to its Punjabi nature but was spicy and damn tasty. A little too spicy for my personal taste, but luckily my Dad could afford to have it. I can't wait to flaunt my cooking skills in front of Mom too. Let her come back and she will get the most pleasant surprise of her life. Had Chaiji been here, she would have been so very proud of me. I wish I could have made something for you as well. Nonetheless I know you are watching over me and you will ensure that I do not serve raw and uncooked meal in front of your son.

Now I know how difficult it is being a working woman, looking after both house and work. Let us see what life has in store for me. Till then I shall continue with my experiments in cooking and hopefully no one will fall sick after tasting it.

Life and its death...

For the past few weeks all I could think of was Death. Well I failed to voice my thoughts to anyone but today somehow I decided that I would update my blog with this very idea of Death. And look what Life had in surprise for me. Just when I was about to sit and start updating my blog, we receive the news that my uncle (Chote Mamaji) has passed away. Even though I may not have been close to him but it surely came as a shock. My mom's brother is no more and I just knew how mom would be feeling at this point of time. Well Life makes us struggle so much and see where we all end. I wish and pray that Mamaji wherever you are please be happy and do not take unnecessary tensions. Your kids have all grown up and are well settled in life. Leave with a happy heart and do not be sad. I know you will be duly missed, your numerous talks, your quirky jokes, those uncountable moments spent with you will always be cherish and remembered. Just ensure that you are safe and happy.

I do not have many memories with my Mamaji because whenever we used to be in Delhi, he would be out touring for his work. But occasionally I do remember getting the scolding from him when we kids would run around the house and create chaos every now and then. And he was the only son who took care of my Granny, Mataji. But Mamaji no matter how absent you may have been for us, for the family you were always there, standing through thick and thin. You kept the family together and I respect you for that. Please have a safe journey and give my regards to everyone you meet.

Lately I was thinking how easy life would be for many if I was dead. Be it family or friends, I have been an unnecessary cause of trouble for many and it would be for the best I believe. It is weird to see how friends change just because you perform well and you are appreciated for it. Since those stupid old school days I have seen this very weird trait in human beings and yet I have ignored them time and again. It actually hurts to see that your friends are jealous of you. I remember when I got through SXC, how badly I prayed to Bhagwanji so that one of my friends too could join me. Then it was CU, and I cried when I saw that none of my friends were selected. And the funny bit about it is that I am tagged as selfish. When people have only been using me for credit, merits or money, I believe that there exists something greater called friendship. Well it is all a sham and I am done trying to be friends with such people. I am done being judged every now and then, being questioned about unnecessary events, being hated by all. I just want to be myself, away from everyone, just I me and myself. I just want to die. And I seriously donot care about my ending, all I care about is how fast I can reach there.

Well I will be digressing a hell lot in this blog of mine. Yesterday night I dreamt of my crush Chashmish (from office) and we were married and a lot of things which I don’t remember. But strangely enough I remember him hugging me tightly, remember the hug I so passionately talk about. I remember him smiling at me and taking care of me. I remember his specs and those beautiful eyes staring down at me. It all felt so real, his voice, his touch, he himself. And I wonder if he even knows that I exist. Chashmish, you have been a muse for me for quite sometime now and now I dare to write about you as well. You have inspired hope in me in so many ways you are not even aware about. But hopefully someday when you look at me, you will see that you are admired.

Another revelation I heard was that after my break-up people consider me to be bi-sexual. OMG!!! That is such a stupid and rubbish rumor. I know I am straight and no matter how much I may joke around with my girl-friends, they will always be friends and nothing more than that. As for guys, well I do love athletic tall smart and caring guys. Anyone out there reading this post and interested, please do let me know. Till then Taylor Lautner you shall always be in my heart my love.

So delicious....

Well most of the people around me know by now that I am absolutely not a foodie. I eat due to the dire need of eating for energy and to keep my body working. If only I had that kind of money to afford those pills which can make me go on without food for a day, I would love to have them instead of anything else. But when it comes to pizza, there are no compromises. I absolutely love eating pizza, something I alone can live on for years. Nonetheless without diverting much from the original topic, I just want to make my point that food and me are not very friendly, nor do we hate each other. It’s a ok kind of a relationship we share.

But it was only recently in one of the many conversations we have now and then, that mom and dad reminded me of such a sweet and simple meal which I am madly craving to have now and I only wish if I could get that taste back in my mouth. The moment I remembered about this special dish, I could see myself like a kid curiously gulping on my plate, loving every morsel of what was in there and that amazing taste, beyond any words I don’t know why I have tears in my eyes thinking and remembering this. Is it because I have hardly ever given any thought to that or is it because it’s almost been fourteen years that I have not tasted it? I do not know that, but what I do know is that my heart craves for it and I know I can never have it again and that taste shall always haunt me.

Well before I can elaborate about the dish or about the chef who managed to get my taste buds to salivate, I would like to warn my very dear readers that I am going to digress a lot from the original topic only because it holds the closest to my heart and it has open a Pandora of memories I cannot afford to miss out on. So here I begin.

To begin with, as I mentioned earlier and established the very fact that I am no foodie, I have never taken a liking of the Afghani or Muslim dishes. It was just the thought that the people who cook them have always been against us and a lot of more things which deserve little mention. So a dish like biryani has never quite been on the list of my likings. But only recently I realized that I have had a craving for this special kind of biryani and its taste cannot be matched and compared with even the world’s best cooks as it was made by my best-est chef. Well I am sure you know how much you are missed.

As for this special chef of mine, well there is a hell lot to speak about him. But most importantly, I would like to share the fact that he was the head of my family. And he was loved and respected by all. My dearest Daddyji, well that is how we used to address our dearest grandfather, the handsomest man ever known by me. Believe me Hrithik doesn’t even stand a chance in front of him. And as Chaiji always used to say, she was lucky to have had such a husband. Well I know how lucky I am to be a part of him. Daddyji you are still the best. Love you and miss you a lot.

Well it wasn’t such an exquisite preparation of the so called special biryani. But its taste, how can anything match it. Daddy would usually prepare chicken, and believe me it was delicious the way he would ensure the chicken is cooked to perfection with the exact amount of everything. And it was the last day’s left over chicken which he would mix with rice and cook it for us. Oh! How I remember fighting over the pieces of chicken with everyone else. It wasn’t something extravagant, yet for me it was the best of what I have had till date. Since the day mom and dad have mentioned about it and I have remembered about Daddy’s cooking days and those yummy dishes I have had, I feel like my appetite died the day he left us. With him my craze for food also went away. But here I am, once again thinking and remembering those amazing dishes which I know I will never ever be able to cook.

By the way, Daddy and Chaiji, I know you both will be proud of me, but I have managed to cook an entire day’s meal when momma was not here. I know Papa had to live through those days, but I cooked for the first time, on my own and yes I am proud of myself. I knew I could always cook just the very thought of cooking never appealed to me. But I did.

Miss you both a lot and thank you for those wonderful memories. You both will always be loved and missed. Take Care and give my regards to Bhagwanji who has been amazingly kind to all of us.

Another day without You...

So for the first time in our lives, it was Holi and you were not here with us. Dad's birthday too, well hasn't he always managed to celebrate his birthday with us except for this year and so many more years to come. Well we do miss, cannot deny the fact. But then I know wherever you are, you are happy and you are in a much better place now. I just wish that had you been here, you could have helped me pick my gown, or even chide me for selecting the wrong jewelry. I just wish you wouldn't have left so early. Somehow I was sure this time, I was confident that now everyone has come for you, you will come back to us. O! my stupid notion. I miss you and I will always miss you. You have been the best grandmother anyone could ever ask for. The coolest Chaiji, I could share anything with you and I regret not having you here beside me. But you stood by me, you kept me strong, you made me held my head up high and you made me realize that no matter what you will always be there for me. And even though you are physically not present here with me, I know you are watching, you are not far away from me. I know you miss us, and we miss you a lot. Please ensure that Mom and Dad get the best of life. They have suffered enough because of me. Please give me the strength to make them feel proud of me again.

This year for obvious reasons, none of us celebrated Holi. Remember one year we celebrated Holi with only water, no colors, nothing else, just simple water. That was fun. It was fun having you around, having you notice how I am looking. O! I do miss you and I miss you some more. Give my love to Daddy, let him know that I miss him too, his visits, his blessings, his naughty smiles, his cooking, his game of cards. I miss being the child around you all. If only you guys were here. But then I am happy for both of you. Now you are together and I know all these years, Chaiji has missed you very much. She has been without you for long. 

Anyways the reason I write today is because I realize that now there isn't much left, besides those million memories you have left behind for us to think of, to smile and to cry just thinking of you. Miss you Chaiji...!!! Love you always.

ARTEMISIA ...

Films and novels have been a major part of my life. The many characters, the many emotions and expressions have always appealed to me some way or the other. Time and again such characters have been able to provide me with the solace normal human beings have failed at miserably. Today I write to tell you all about one such character ARTEMISIA from the movie 300: Rise of an Empire, played by Eva Green. And believe me when I say this, she has done a superb job. I have felt the rise and the fall of the character. Such was the nature of her acting that it felt like the character was standing in front of me and not just the actor.

The movie was all about her. And she has done absolute justice to the character. The looks, the gaze, the smirks, perfect timing it was. This shows how well Eva was able to relate with the character and not only that was also able to express the exact emotions as demanded by the situation. Respect, my dear lady… absolute respect for you.

I do not have many words but yes you have inspired me a lot. Thank you for the amazing experience. I am absolutely looking forward to such epic movies in future as well.

Dua...!!!

Isn't it a strange title for a new blog? Well frankly speaking I was trying to think of a great title and that it when this song from the movie 'Shanghai' started playing. So I thought why not this as a title. I remember my college days, writing about mundane things would often lead me with no option for a good title for my blog and then the song which I am listening to would give an identity to my blog entry.

Anyways enough about the title, the reason I write now at this blessed hour is because I want to. I do not need a reason to write and express what I feel like. But today I write to give a logical explanation as to why I have been avoiding writing for so very long. I know it is only mere lame excuses which I will indulge into, but then I need to evaluate myself as to why I have been avoiding for so long writing anything.

To begin with after SXC, I have rarely had much to talk about and to share. SXC has been the best three years of my life. No matter the ups and downs, it has been the highest point in my life, after which things have rarely been able to excite me. As for the people I generally met where quite a bore. CU was one of the lowest point of my life. It had nothing to make me feel alive and to keep me awake with living. Thanks to some of my dear friends, had it not been for their lovely company that I would have been drifted away to the shadows of invisibility. While Bhavans was a major reason of my liveliness in the first year of my University life, but after Bhavans, I was once again down in life.

After CU came my first ever break up. And God! How much I miss him. He has been a blessing in disguise. And no matter how much I may hate him for not being there with me, I respect him and love him in every way possible. May you have an amazing life and be happy always.

Office deserves little mention, because it only reminds me that I can no longer be a kid and enjoy my life. It reminds me of my duties and responsibilities, when I would give anything just to be a child again. Also I hardly mix office with my house. I keep my personal and my professional life away from each other.

Nonetheless, life has been good to me. I have little regrets in life and I know with time everything will only get a lot better for me. Lets hope and keep our fingers crossed to that.

I have a couple of future projects in mind, I hope they are successful. All the very best to me.

Also lastly I would like to thank my Muse (I know there are so very many of my Muses which inspire me regularly, but I am talking about my one special Muse only), for inspiring me each day and for letting me be myself. Love you so very much for everything. Hoping to write another of my master pieces soon. Thank you once again.

...

I Speak Again...

Lately have I realized that keeping feelings like regret, revenge, animosity, enmity, etc. etc, is all pointless. Having met quite a diverse group of people and after hearing what their trials and tribulations have been in life, I wonder if my troubles were that important enough or was it just that I was too engrossed in them to realize that there was something bigger happening to me... Life was happening to me and I was missing out on it. So here I speak again.

I accept the fact I am not perfect and I have no right to judge others. Likewise I have no right to hate anyone or anything. God has made everything beautiful, its beauty may not appeal me but it doesn't makes the thing any less desirable, maybe not for me, but for others it is. Likewise I may not be beautiful to many, but that doesn't make me any less special in the eyes of God. His plans and His ways of testing us is very different and very hard to perceive. I have heard so much about the trials of others that now I feel my trials would have been a blessing for them. How much one learns from meeting others, from hearing out others, from listening to what they have been through and not just stating your very own problems.

I am not the kind of person to voice my emotions and my troubles easily in front of others. It takes a lot for me to actually open up to others. But often I have seen, since school days to be precise, that people fail to understand you and tend to move away from you. Well I am sure I am no angel, I too have left people in my life, I too have given others a hard time. But then I am grateful to each and everyone of them who have cared and most importantly have jhelofyed (if ever there was a term like this) me even for a few days of their lives. Unfortunately for my parents, I am going to be there till the very end. But for others there is always an option to leave. I am grateful to all who have left me, no matter how battered or bruised I may have been, but I know God's design, He makes things happen without us realizing it. God gave us brains to understand and to choose for our own selves what emotions we want to feel and for whom. Life is short, it surely is short. And I cannot bear grudges on anyone. Dad says I am bad at keeping grudges on others. I may not forget the event which happened but that doesn't make me hate the person. I know that is the ultimate truth of my life. I can never hate anyone completely. No matter how things may have happened, I want to be at peace and I wish each and every person lots of love and happiness which they truly deserve. I am sorry for not being the apt source of happiness for you all, but I would like to thank you all for being there for me, for thinking of me. I will always cherish memories of you all. Those tiffin breaks, those hair braiding sessions, those stupid jokes, the smiles, the movies, the rides, the trips, the books, the excuses, the funny stories, everything holds a special place in my heart. And no matter what I know I have been an active part of each one of those million memories.

But today I would like to take this opportunity to forget all what has happened in the past. I want to make peace with my past. I want to give up on feelings like anger, revenge, hate. I want to live a life without regrets and grudges. I know many of my friends will be reading this. No matter how far you guys are I wish you all well. Be happy and make the most of life. I may not be with you guys, but my best wishes are always with you. And as for the good memories, they will always be a big part of me. Please do remember, I too am human who has made mistakes in life she is not proud of. I wish I was never a part of all those unhappy memories for anyone. I wish I was rather dead than alive. But then unfortunately, here I still am. I know my death would not matter to many, but I do not want to die with any regrets in life. I will stay out of your lives, not even as a spectator, but if ever you think of a friend, I will be there. There are no hand books on life, had their been I am sure I wouldn't have goofed up so badly.

Lastly I would like to thank my parents and my family for standing by me no matter what. My life is for you guys and no one else. Thank you for understanding and supporting me throughout. I will make you all proud once again. I am sorry for all the bad days you guys had to face because of me. But I know better days are yet to come. I hope, wish and pray that each one of you get the best of love and life.

As for those dear ones who have cared to share with me a part of their lives, their trials and tribulations, I know not whether I can help solve them. But yes I will stand by you and will be there with you guys. Wish you strength in life.

Life I love you and now I want to live you till the fullest.
Cheers to those who are lucky enough to escape me
Cheers to those who are yet to meet me...

Thank You all....

[Move on and be happy in life... be grateful, do not be hateful...it only makes life difficult. Learn to let go and be happy with yourself. I wish PEACE and LOVE for all]

The Page

The blank page
Stares back at me
Teasing with the very thoughts
I hate to admit.

Refreshes the memories
The pain attached.
Reminds the mind
Of the life I never had.

Point blank
And I submit
To the very thought that
I too will perish.

The futility, the fragility of life,
The nonsensical games,
The pathetic excuses,
The greetings aside.

And then I see
The white page,
The blankness
Becomes a part of me.

The twists, the turns,
The curves around,
The pen waiting
To let me...

Write and divulge
these very thoughts.
To those I know not
Or to let it all rot?

The pathetic attempt
To make the words work.
The illusion of being
Enlightened in this very dark.

That is what has become of me.
Trivial attempts of an escape
The rope, the latch, the collar attached
And this blank page I have.

Not Again....

It has indeed been long that I spoke up but then I have always maintained the fact that if I am right and if the people around me know me even a little, will know that I cannot always give explanations for every damn act of mine.

2013 was a mess of a year. Not just for me but for my parents and my family too. Losing Chaiji was the worst hit of all. Chaiji, you will always be missed...always.
Here I am writing this out not to explain anything to anyone, but to laugh at the stupidity of a select few. Just because I do not speak and scream and shout and advertise, doesn't make me WRONG. Just because I know I have people who will stand by me no matter what, I do not have to meet every damn person and explain my stand.

Over the years I have got to learn a lot. I have learnt the best of my lessons by trusting some of the worst of people around. And then look at the audacity of these people, having been responsible for a lot of things, they think they have always been right. By the way, reality check, had you been right, I would have never left from your lives. And I wouldn't have had the support and love of not just my family but a lot of my friends who hold the dearest to me. My parents have been so supportive through this uncalled for tough phase of my life. I stand up for them. People who think I do not know what I do, are so very wrong in their assumptions. I know what I am and I am not answerable to anyone besides my parents and my God. So if anyone out there, reading this blog thinks that I am a damsel in distress and need to be rescued, please think again. I stand for every damn thing I say and I will, till the very end of my life, I will stand for what I think is right, not what others perceive it to be.

Today I write. I have not bothered or tampered with the lives of people in my past. If they have left I am grateful for the valuable lessons they have taught me before leaving me for good. But every speculation and every stupid notion you live with, I want to shatter it. I will never return in the lives of those whom I have left in the past. I have no explanations to give besides the fact I AM HAPPIER PERSON NOW.

Friends a healthy reminder, if someone is in past and holds no more importance in my life, please do not be the messengers of Satan and pass on information about my every move and every act to them. There is a reason some people are no longer in my life and I would rather keep it that way.

As for LOVE, I love my family and my friends. Other than that I am yet to find a Love which can excite me and can make me fall head over heels. If I am over you, means I never loved you. Until last year I had perceived of Love in a different way, but now my idea of Love is more clearer. The spiritual aspect of it, the very essence of it. If ever I manage to find such a fulfilling Love, I surely will share it with all. Until then I keep my fingers crossed and hope Taylor Lautner, you watch out for me!!!! And FYI... I believe in YALA!!!

 No hard feelings, if we ever cross each others way, I will remember the good that you have done to me by leaving me and not for all those atrocities and the animosity which you had filled in my life.

Cheers to happy and healthy living...!!!!
Cheers to letting go of the past...!!!

Living and alive

All I see is old people around me

Walking with a hunched back

With a lonely walking stick.

Struggling with the very existence of life

Running here and here just to survive.

With shabby clothes, no teeth and shy

Losing hair and yet there I see a genuine smile.

But there very mystery intimidates me.

They seem to know more than me

They seem to know more about me, than I myself

Yet there I see a smile… a reassurance

That soon things will get better.

I too should be scared of old age.

But then can I just give up on life?

Can I just give up on the very

Basic human nature to fight?

Twisting ankles, hurting knees,

Grey hair or all the tease

The unstable walk or the watchful eye?

Baseless words, let the meaning aside

Lot of unhappiness but a million reasons

Just to maintain that very simple smile

Cheers to the very thought that I too may die

But then something better comes alive

Cheers to a lovely and a magical life.