Thursday, December 22, 2011

Yours forever... ME!!!


I am seriously angry on my own self. No matter how many times I will try to make myself understand, I will inevitably make the same mistakes over and over again and then regret about it. Lately the only thing going on in my mind is that no matter what I am not supposed to repeat my mistakes ever again and hurt myself like this.

It’s surprisingly to actually be able to understand the true feelings behind the lines. I had heard or perhaps read somewhere, looks like a very raunchy romantic line, but I don’t know why it sounds so true to me today.

“Loving you is as easy as breathing. And how can you ask me suddenly to stop breathing?”

Wow! I didn’t realize that it could actually hurt so much. I so much can relate to these lines that I seriously am short of words and expressions to go ahead and share or even express my feelings, even to myself for that matter. But today I feel I should finally speak a little about it because I am going crazy and I seriously cannot take it anymore.

I still remember how I had made him confess his love to me. And I know he had so much loved confessing it to me that each month he would make it a point to go ahead and propose to me. Gosh… now that I look back to it, it seems like I will never ever be able to feel so very special with anyone. And in so very many ways that is actually true, and I won’t deny the fact that he will always be a part of me and my life, no matter if we are together or not. Feels like a sharp knife is being stabbed inside my heart. That is how all those poets came up with such great lines and feelings of love, that somehow today I can understand the true meaning of each one of them and can feel their loneliness too. In so many ways I can relate to the love lost lovers, their depressions, yet their hopefulness about the future. I only wish I could have been able to compose such great poetry in my despair as well. But somehow I am so scared to even dwell into the thoughts of a wonderful two and a half year long journey that I feel I will only hurt myself more. I still have this stupid pride and ego in me which keeps saying that I always did right and that somehow things will work out for me for the best. But my brain knows there is nothing left to be done except to quit. And look at my super duper bad luck I can’t even quit. I can’t even run away from my family and my parents, or my friends. Well in a way I have been able to successfully hide from most of my friends, as I believe only 1% of my friends know about this break-up and I didn’t feel like sharing such grand news with any of my other friends. Well this isn’t grand news that it can actually be shared with everyone. Someday maybe when I will actually have good news in my life, I will go ahead and make sure to involve all of my friends in it. But as of now I don’t feel like making my friends a part of my sad and depressing life.

And my super duper sad super sad life, I am listening to all kinds of stupid romantic songs and I wish he could have heard me saying all this to him. But what was bound to happen, did happen. And well I don’t regret falling in love, and having perhaps the best time of my adult life, but what I regret it, that I just couldn’t sustain it. And whenever I look or hear about other couples, all I can be is just be jealous of them. Mostly because of the sole reason that I too had something like them, but had to give it all up.

I know many will ask why I gave up so easily. Well, to say the truth, it has by far been the toughest decision I had to take. But I know how family is and how important family is for someone like me. And I respect the fact and I can say that I am strong enough to give up on love because of my family. From my early childhood I have always said this and will say it time and again, that family comes first for me. And I will do anything and everything to honor my relationship with my family. They deserve every bit of what I am today and I cannot deny them that.

But then it’s actually difficult to give up on breathing but definitely I am trying my best and practicing somehow to keep myself within myself and not letting others know that oxygen is not the sole reason of my survival.

I just don’t know how well to explain what I felt whenever he was around me, even if it was over the phone or a message. From early childhood, everyone knows and it is no secret that I have been a tough girl, some call such a girl a tomboy, in a world full of boys. I have fought and fought hard every step of my life and in this endless battle to try and prove myself strong and tough, somewhere I just forgot who I was. At times I purposely would act messed up so that Mom would look at me and scold me and try to make me look pretty. But slowly it became a habit and I was never ever bothered about how I looked. If I looked at my mirror more than once in a day, I wonder the mirror would also think whether or not I have gone mad. But somehow with him, it was a completely different feeling. I no longer had to pretend to be the super strong female I was known to be. I could be stupid and childish, the one I really was from the inside and I still am from the inside. Only I know how important that feeling was and still is for me. And frankly I don’t have enough words to express the feeling I have with him. He made me come close to myself and made me realize so very many things I never ever thought existed in me. I could be vulnerable in front of him and cry my heart out to him. I could even blush, well a thing I had not known existed in me before. Gosh! If I go on describing the feelings I had and still have, then it will take ages out of me.

Also I am getting older by the day. And I seriously don’t see a point in looking out and preparing myself for another heart break. Because a part of me still belongs to me and somehow I cannot give up on this stupid thought that someday soon everything will be alright, even though I am very confident that nothing is ever supposed to happen between us after our break-up. I just cannot imagine myself with anyone else. And I even shudder to think that he can be married off to someone else. I am trying every way possible to distract myself so that I won’t have to see him again and think about him again. But as you can see how miserably I am failing in my futile attempts. But one good news, now I am head over heels for Taylor Lautner. Well actually I am not, but pretending to be so, I am sure I am soon to only think about him and no one else in the process. So the futile effort is on, let’s hope it works for the best. Thank you Taylor for being there for me, you would never know, but you are helping a lot these days. I sincerely wish I could meet you someday. Well for Hugh Jackman, I used to call him my Hugh, but now that he is gone, I believe he is actually Hugh Jackman for me, someone I can never meet in my life, nor can ever speak to, but all I could ever do is wish that we were together. Isn’t that such a pathetic state of affairs for someone like me?

I so wish I could be a child again. But unfortunately I am in such a stage of my life where I am supposed to behave myself once again, in fact as always. All my life all I have done is behaving myself and act mature. Well it is time to be back to what I was always. I never had the liberty to act childish and appear cute to others. Well I guess God never intended it to be that way. You know it doesn’t actually matters how you are from your heart, as long as you look beautiful and charming, and can flatter people, you are the best. Unfortunately I suck at each one of these aspects, so no scope for me. Yet somehow I manage to carry on and do my work in the best way I can.

Also I am having these random crush on people I don’t even know. But I do have these crushes. Frankly I don’t want any thing else to do with love, but I don’t know why this stupid heart still beats. Wasn’t it stabbed by a knife sometime back? Yet it manages to beat. Damn!

Anyways too much is said by now. Need to go away and rest my head in peace for sometime.

Take care guys and especially take care my stupid heart. I don’t want to be hurt ever again. Please be a lot considerate about this fact and kindly keep me away from distractions which can be injurious to my health.

Yours forever
ME!!!


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Pleasantries...


So many afternoons have gone
So many days I was left alone.
Little did I realize it until now,
Things aren’t the same somehow.

My initial wish was to avoid him completely
But the desire to see him once again arose so urgently
That there was no other way left out
For me to consider over it or about.
My Greek God, majestic on his throne
Looked so perfect yet so forlorn.
His perfect smile and his greeting of a simple Hi!
I wished that very moment I could have died.
But I felt at ease around him this moment,
At times mesmerized by his sweet innocence.
Oh! Now I remember how I had smiled and blushed
Every time he looked my way or passed by me in a rush.
I felt like being that stupid once again
But somehow I waited for my confidence to regain.
And surprisingly we shared a joke or two
And the sarcasm couldn’t hide his self so true.

Alas! I turned towards the prettiest damsel in town
Surprised and pleasantly shocked, she looked around.
Her cold nature appeared so cool today
I just couldn’t picture her any other way
She looked a little pale and somehow so young
Just a sweet thing and pretensions were none.
We had a great chat and she seemed so concerned
Lastly all she did was invite me for her concert.

A pleasant day it was for me
To be back in the once magical land
And to be amongst those who had cared
And today somehow I bother to share
The most expensive feelings I have
For those who would no longer be there.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Dead Love


As I look back at those fun days of school
I remember how everything appeared so refreshingly cool
I thought back then that love was costly and never for sale
And my life would be no less than a Cinderella’s tale.
Little did I realize then that my fate was tied
To all those stories, where all the lovely women died
Of love. They smiled like me even in their pain,
Now I know that love cannot happen again.

The lonely Lady of Shalott had only once left her tower
To see the courageous Sir Lancelot near the river.
And on her fell the brunt of a curse so grave
She escaped her lonely existence and came out so brave.
Floating down the river smooth, she sang
Of her only boon. She died near that very river bank
And only the Knight in the shining armor praised out lot
For the lovely corpse of the beautiful Lady of Shalott.

Her hair was damp, on her last cold rainy night.
She had come out in the darkness, to fulfill her only delight.
Her trust, her faith lay all in his bare arms
But he strangled her thrice and kept her warm.
Her perfectly pure and good self did he try to preserve
And he felt perfect when he realized what he truly deserved.
It was no guilt, but guilt was all he might have tamed
Even then Porphyria’s Lover never got himself a name.

I too wanted to have a story so intense and yet so pure
Even if it might end in death, but not too tough to endure.
Today the passion is spent, and now I wish it was not.
I hope someday to find a place from where some love can be bought.
But now the heart is broken and I am looking for my last sleep
I know that I only got what my deeds have truly reaped.
I look forward to see myself in the morning light
As each day goes by and I too am bound to die.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

The story of a Hopeless Romantic


This story is only and only about me. So I believe others should not feel offended by the things I have perceived over the years. Well on second thoughts, how many of them will read this to even go ahead and analyze my thoughts. Even though my story begins the moment I was born but I will skip quite a number of years of my life and go ahead only with those years of my life which will show how hopelessly romantic I am and can be.

I was never an avid reader. I was not introduced to books for quite a considerable period of my life. Even though I had read hindi comics and a few English children books here and there, I truly cannot recall any such book which might have triggered my being such a romantic. However TV was an important part of my life. I remember watching TV from the very early days of my life. Cartoons, hindi movies, serials have always been like a daily dose of entertainment for me. Watching the wonderful world of fiction had always attracted me and kept me wondering if life too could be so beautiful and magical.

The innocence of Pingo, the adventurous nature of Mogwli, the naughty nephews of Uncle Scrooge, the cute gummy bears, the courageous yet stupid LaunchPad, the pretty Daisy Duck in love with Donald Duck and the happy couple of Mickey and Minnie Mouse with their pet dog Pluto. Wow!!! Those were some days to reckon with. I wish I too was a comic character running around with them in all the adventures and laughing with them. Disney was an important part of my life back then. The magical carpet, Genie and Aladin’s friendship and the beautiful princess Jasmine, each one of them made me feel like a part of their lives. Then came the era of Cartoon Network with Scooby Doo, Noddy, Dexter, Johnny Bravo, Popeye, and more and more characters.

Life was so beautiful and colorful indeed. The stupid hindi films also added to it where love stories came to a happy ending and with all the singing and dancing around the trees made me wonder if real life romance too would be this good.

As I became a teenager this new rage of being in love, roaming around with a boyfriend became like this thing everyone was craving for. English songs were a privilege now. I changed schools but it was only in class 11 that I was introduced properly to books and to English movies, being the true force behind making me an actively hopeless romantic. Books brought another world in front of my eyes when cartoons didn’t hold any more importance in my life. Life was so unreal back then. Looking back at those days make me wonder whether I actually was like that. But I enjoyed every moment of my life back then. There were good and bad days yet I held this feeling very close to my heart that soon everything will be alright. There will be a miracle and things would take a turn for the best of my interests. Well even though I had dreamt a lot about me being in love and had by now prepared a long list of things I want in my partner, I always wished (and I still do) that I get to be in love with only one person for the rest of my life and he would be the only one in my life in whose arms maybe someday I will die. I was so naïve back then and maybe I am so still now because I firmly believe love happens only once and well my chance with love is over and done with. No more do I desire to be hugged tightly and to walk beside someone hand in hand, to blush every time when that special someone would look into my eyes. Well to tell you the truth, that special someone is lost forever now. I seriously never thought this day would come in my life when I would have to give up on my dream which I had held onto for such a long time. But reality bites as well as slaps hard across the face.

I remember watching Kate and Leopold and wondering how a man can be. This was the first time I fell half in love with Hugh Jackman. One must watch the movie; he is such a sweet heart. Then came the stupid phase where I was running after these bollywood actors who no longer attract me. However Hrithik has managed to be still there somehow. I remember watching him in Jodha Akhbar. Well I remember the day as well when I and Chaiji (my grandmother) went out for the movie only because it was getting too stuffy in the house. Hrithik was simply wow!!! I remember later that night chatting with my friend and how we both were conspiring to rape Hrithik… Hehehe… that was fun indeed.

College life was fun. I got to read more books and even poems and watched a lot more movies now. Poems made me go madder than ever. Now I had company of these wonderful poets who too like me where hopeless romantic and in a way encouraged me to be so all through my college life. I met a lot of people here and well I had my share of crushes and crashes too. But all was in good faith and even though the days are long gone I remember the time I have spent with each one of my friend and it still gives me the feeling of being so very special. Especially the second year of my life, it was rocking and I was a Raw-Queen then!!! Organizing the fests, running here and there, officially bunking classes, always smiling, and a host of other stuff too. Well in this phase of my life, I remember hugging my juniors a lot and I must mention this that Aubhi was my first tight hug ever. It was the day he had returned from his NCC camp and one other time when he had won the CR elections when I was in 3rd year. It was only in 3rd year that I came to know who my true friends were. Pallavi was sick for most part of the 3rd year and I was also into politics and fortunately or unfortunately was a part of the School Students’ Union. Even though I turned out to be a shrewd politician (which I thought I was not capable of) I had lot of fun with that as well. I remember this late evening meeting we members had to attend and how Jonathan and Aubhi stayed back with me. Especially Jon, both of us talked non stop that day and I still am so grateful to both of them for being around there for me like this.

The birthday parties at my house where rocking and seriously I love my parents for agreeing to my demands every now and then. I used to tell dad almost everything about my everyday conquests of finding new places to shop at and bunk classes to watch movie and stuff.  Then came Bhavans and Cu. During this phase I was not much in touch with my guy friends nor did I make any new guy friends. However this was the time when these special people in my life came to meet me. My true best friend whom I have lately hurt so much that he perhaps, or I am absolutely sure of, hates my guts and this true and first love of mine, who seems to have given up on me and seems to refuse to fight for me. In the past few days I have truly realized that whatever goes around comes around. I have caused so many heart breaks over the years, my heart too was bound to be shattered this badly. I seriously cannot complain about any of this to anyone. Because I know everything happens for a reason and I did deserve being used and misused over time and so it shall be. Today I don’t have a friend left with to share my feelings. Well its not that my friends have abandoned me or something. It is just that I have abandoned each one of them and I have consciously decided not to discuss my feelings and emotions with any one of them.

Hopeless romantic in love expects a hell lot of things from life. I imagined so many things which were never bound to happen and never thought of those things which were bound to happen. And so I am suffering right now. I should have been a better judge of the people around me. But as the saying goes, only God can judge me, who the hell am I to go around and judge people and pass my judgment unto them. Even after so many things have happened I am still expecting that somehow a miracle would happen and everything will be the way it was supposed to be in my dreams. But the truth is there is no prince charming, nor am I a damsel in distress waiting to be rescued. Well in a way I am the modern damsel in distress who desperately wants to be rescued but then as of now there are more important things in life which needs to be taken care of. And I frankly have no time in thinking about the stupid hopeless romantic stuff which might have happened in the past or which I have always dreamt of.

Well I know it’s cruel and being cold blooded, but now I think I have a chance to meet someone taller than me. Even though I doubt how much of love I would be able to give anyone but I guess I am once again ready to fall in love. But on second thoughts I won’t because I am done with the quota of being in love and trust is a word I cannot trust anymore. So I guess whatever has happened has happened for the best and its time I face the reality and be practical for a chance. Romance is a crucial part of life and I shall not give up on it. But yes, from now on I will do things for myself. Well even though I have always done things for myself, but now I will make sure not to regret any decisions I have taken. And most importantly will not cause embarrassment or hurt my parents in any ways. I know they trust and respect each one of my decision a lot, but its time I give them back what they truly deserve. I know in this new mission of my life (well this has been a mission of my life for quite sometime now) my Bhagwanji will always stay by my side.

The tale of a Hopeless Romantic shall continue. There is no end to it. Well I think now I will start reading the Twilight series and revive the romantic in me. And at the same time be the practical girl who will never regret decisions in her life. I know there might be a Gerry (P.S. I Love You) there for me, who would love me the moment he would see me, I know I will find my Jacob (Twilight series) who would love me and be by my side no matter what. But till then let me enjoy my rendezvous with these fictional characters and let me have the time of my life.



P.S. I want to watch cartoons again. Anyone reading this knows the torrent links of the cartoons I have just mentioned, please post them in the comments. Thank You!

Never Again!!!


I don’t know where to start today from and what exactly to type out. So many things have happened recently that I seriously don’t know what to do about them except to perhaps forget them but then how?

I always thought that I am this perfect girl with little imperfections which I can choose not to think about. But today I still can see how everyone is still biased about certain things which only make it all the more worse for my living around them. Happiness is just a state of mind, and it is absolutely true. We can choose to be happy even in a very difficult or even a very sad situation. And that is why I can say yes I am happy. Being positive, hoping for the best of everything is what I have left with and seriously I just can’t stand it anymore. I need to get out of here and get away from everyone for ever. But as always my dream trips remain a stupid dream of mine and I have no other way except to crib and cry about it or to write about it.

Anyways so I have always thought of myself to be perfect. This being absolutely normal as everyone considers themselves to be so. Being a perfect girl I aspire to be the best at everything. And most importantly being perfect for me means that I am able to give my mom and dad that happiness which they have always deserved. I seriously I can’t stand to see them upset or down about anything and so I make it a point to love and help my parents everyway possible. And what is best is the fact that my parents love and support me equally. They always have shown faith and trust in me and all of my decisions. But somehow today I feel like a total let down to them. Things better left unsaid have lately been the reason for all the worries and concern of my parents. I know they won’t say anything but deep inside they know that I will never purposely hurt them. They suffer because at present I am suffering and there is no one to share all this suffering with.

From the outside I have always been a happy-go-lucky person but what is inside me stays inside and it hurts badly. I seriously don’t know how to express myself and how exactly to explain what I am going through right now. What hurts the most is the thought that I have let my parents down and have somehow abused the trust and faith they had in me. If only I could turn back time and make things right. Then this wouldn’t have happened ever.

An important lesson learnt and now I will be more cautious and more attentive not to do anything silly like this ever in my life. Certain things should always be at a shoulder’s distance and should never be entertained in life. I knew life was no cake walk, had it been so, life would have been so uninteresting, monotonous and boring. But I never thought my life would turn out to be like this. I was so freaking sure of it and look at me where I am standing right now. A loser!!!

Never again!!!
I promise to myself Never Again!!!

Friday, November 11, 2011

The irony of my life… :-)


It is really ironical to realize how things work out to be. I seriously have a hell lot to talk about and yet lack the slightest inclination to discuss it at all. At best I can do is keep quite about it and be happy with what ever I am left me.

From hereon things will be a lot different and hopefully a lot better.

Cheers to my evil living LIFE!!!

<3

Sunday, October 30, 2011

OuR LoVE SToRy!!!


Being a strong-headed girl, I always liked sticking up to the real people in the real world. But this net addiction was really like getting onto me these days. It was like I had to sit and chat with strangers sitting thousands of miles away, chatting about some random stuff, without actual sense or meaning. It was like the real people and this new virtual world were coming together for me. I would talk about my real life with these unknown creatures I met online. Some I met were good, some were okay and some didn't really make an impression in my mind even to think about them at present.
Computers were the new "in" thing in all of our lives. It started like this weird craze for all the children and the adults. Even our schools started giving computer lessons. There was a time when no one had even heard of a computer but now people had started getting access to it. If you had a computer at your place, damn, you were supposed to be rich. And then there were other factors too. Since it was becoming the new in thing, its importance in future was realized and foreseen. So one had to know about the computers.
I had initial computer classes in my school and moreover by now, thanks to Mom and Dad, we already had a computer at our place. I even joined a computer course and was doing really great in it. It was all fun. After computers came the internet. An absolute substitute for telephones telegraphs and letters. There were so many things you could have access to with the net. Sitting at home, one could talk and chat with people far away from you. Share pictures, watch TV and videos, get information instantly, and then e-mailing. With the rise of craze for internet, rose a craze to be a member of the social networking sites where people from different states, countries and religions could come together, interact and talk, discuss, do whatever was possible by the internet. It was great fun.
Initially I was a little apprehensive about this whole internet thing, but then I started enjoying it. I had never expected people online to be their real self whenever we chatted and interacted. I soon became a registered member of some of the social networking sites and started with my life online. It was cool to get to see real people actually chatting with; each of them had their own different thoughts and personalities. It was fun to meet new people without actually meeting them.
But my love story isn't all about the fun and frolic one can get out of the net. It is even more than that.
By now I was a part of this virtual world for almost three years. And in real life, I was having a great time. Even though I had met a lot of guys, both in the real and in the virtual world, I was still looking for my prince-charming. I too wanted to fall in love and to have someone real special in my life. I too was after all a normal girl at heart. Even to others I was this tough nut who wouldn't crack and could scare the huge creatures. But I definitely had met someone special. In fact there were quite a number of specials in my life by now.
In my real world I had found this tall guy, decent looking, a little dumb but caring. In the virtual world too I had found a bunch of tall guys who were so caring and special. But as they say you get what you deserve. And since I knew I deserve the best, so I had to be a little patient as well.
Well, it was true that I met my sweet-heart online. Thanks to this specific social networking site where we interacted for the very first time. And soon we were out of the online scenario and were calling each other (mostly he would call me up, because I was and I still am a big miser), exchanging messages and laughing at silly jokes, sharing our thoughts, feelings and our selves. Initially I definitely was a bit apprehensive about this virtual relation turning out to be real, but then the happiness I gained from all of this, the smile which automatically grew on my face whenever I saw his name flash on my cell phone was definitely making me feel real special. I have no clear recollections of our very first phone conversation, but as he says, and yes I do believe him, I appeared to be this arrogant snob who was really difficult to handle. But then also we both were talking over the phone almost all through the day. One fine day I was sitting all by myself and thinking is this something special. And to my surprise I did feel special. I purposely made him propose to me because I wanted to see how this would work out. There was this eagerness to know how a virtual relation can become real and also I for a change wanted to feel special. After he proposed, I wasn’t exactly serious for the initial months where he grew possessive about me. But within a couple of months I realized how very special and precious he was to me and everything else didn’t matter. That was the moment I started giving my 110% to our love relationship. We were officially dating for about a year, when my birthday came and I so wanted him to be here with me, but unfortunately he had to go out for some work. However he kept promising me a surprise gift, I so wanted him to be here with me.
My birthday came and left, but the package hadn't arrived yet and Ronie, my cuchie-poo, kept on saying that because of some postal problems the package wasn't coming. It was over a week now, when on a Sunday afternoon, on the call of the doorbell I got up and opened my door. To my utter surprise, it was Ronie standing in front of me. I felt as if I was dreaming but then could it be real? Oh my God! What am I supposed to do? How should I welcome him? Should I kiss him or should I hug him? What should I do? There were a thousand questions running through my mind and seriously I was absolutely clueless about what I should be doing. As I unlocked the collapsible doors of my house, I just couldn’t help staring at him. I wanted to scream and shout and say so much to him and yet I was speechless. All I could do was stare at his eyes and see him and make sure that it wasn’t a dream. That is when he pinched me hard on my hand and I realized it was real. God! It was all real and it was actually happening to me. He was here and yes he was mine. I was smiling and yet I realized that tears were there too when he brushed off the tears from my cheeks and that was the first time he touched me.
I can feel the warmth of his hands on my cheek even today. Well we are getting engaged today and yes virtual love stories do come true. Who said there has to be love at first sight? Love can grow naturally, take its turns and twists and then come to you. I was so much in love and whoever met me, said the same. Initially both of our parents were a little apprehensive about the marriage, as he is a Gujrati and I am a Punjabi. But our love passed the tests of our families and it was the day for us.
I saw Ronie entering the hall, smiling at me and looking so damn handsome in his blue sherwani. I too was in blue; we both had coordinated the dress for our engagement day. Even though marriage was due two more years, both the families had decided that a small engagement ceremony should be performed so that even when both of us go out together, the society will have no qualms about it. And both of us were more than happy to perform this ceremony as well.
When Ronie stood beside me for the ceremony, all I could do was stare at him. I even forgot about the ceremony and it felt as if there were only two of us there in that hall. But my sister tapped me gently on my shoulders when I came back to my senses. After the ceremony was over and everyone went back home, Ronie called me and asked me to join him for a long drive. Even though I was tired I went out with him, moreover I had no other option left, and he was already standing near my house, waiting for me. I tiptoed out of my room and left the house all in silence.
Ronie came out of the car and hugged me so tightly I felt I would crumble in his arms. I saw there were tears in his eyes and it made me feel so special. The entire drive, I kept staring at him while all he could do was smile back and even perhaps blush a little. Ronie is not a man of speech, but his gestures are enough for me to understand that yes I am special for him. At the almost end of the road, he parked his car and asked me to come out. I did so and to my utter surprise Ronie held me closer to him and kissed me so passionately I felt like a candle melting with the heat. He hugged me tighter and held me close to him. It was the first time I could feel his sexuality coming out so strong to me. Ronie had always liked hugging me but today there was something different about him.
“Today, you have made me the luckiest guy alive. I never knew what the actual meaning of love was until I met you. I had a past with girls where in my mind I had held them close to me and uttered the praises of love, but today when I am with you I don’t feel like speaking at all but only holding you tight close to me. This has been a special day for me and you don’t know how very special I feel today. I have never felt so much love in my entire life which I feel from you. You are my strength, my support, my love, my life and everything. I shall promise to always stand by your side and never to leave you again. But today I must ask something from you.”
This last statement made me wonder what he possible could want now. Was he going to propose marriage? But then isn’t the date already been set after 2 years? Was something wrong? Did anything happen at the home? I was full of questions, when Ronie broke his hug and looked straight into my eyes. I knew whatever he was about to say was something really serious. And so he continued,
“I know I shouldn’t be doing this to you but then I have got this offer from my office. They want to send me to France for three years on a contractual basis. I know this is a big decision and with the marriage and everything else lined up, I really don’t know what to do. But I also realize this is an offer of a lifetime and if I succeed in this project, there is nothing in the world which could stop me. We could live a life of luxury together and even have a better and brighter future. But I am confused; I want you to make this decision for me. I just can’t think of anything I just want you to decide for me.”
I looked into his eyes and saw the love and trust he has for me. I so wanted to say no to the trip. After all we were supposed to get married but then I shouldn’t also be stopping him from following his dream and be the successful person he wants to be. I knew what I had to do and so I asked, “When do you have to leave?”
Ronie, “By tomorrow night, if I do not want to be late”.
I had no words at all to say to him. He had made up his mind and I could see he wanted to leave, not because of the success but for us. So I asked him to pack his bags and leave and I would take care of my parents and my relatives.
The day he entered the check-in counter of the airport was the last of what I saw of him. Initially there were a lot of problems managing the time for talking and stuff. But soon we gave in to talking once in a week as it was expensive too. Slowly a lot more things changed and things came and went away but thankfully we both were still together. At least that is what I thought.
As he walks out of the arrivals alley, I see him smiling back at me. He has changed so much over these three years. Grown a lot more mature and manly I guess. He hugged me tightly and got down on his knees. He proposed to me in front of everyone right in the middle of the busy airport and all I could do was nod a yes and blush a little.
After four years of our engagement, Ronie and I were finally getting married. The preparations were made, the flowers arranged properly, the hall decorated, the food ready and everyone eagerly waiting for the moment. But more than them, I was eager to be married to Ronie and be with him forever. The time had finally come and we have had our share of fights, distance, love and everything else. But now was the moment of utter truth, the moment of our love when everything else ceased to matter and all what mattered was that we are going to be together forever.
Ronie over the years we both have been together and have witnessed the best and worst of life. All I can say to this day is that you are the one for me and no matter what… life and love both are incomplete without you. Love you so much my baby.
..................................................................................................................................
I know this story has some changes and some assumptions of the future but you know what baby, with you around me everything else doesn’t matters. I just wanted to write something inspired by us and even though I had started writing this story long back, it was only today that I found an ending to it. An ending which shall be remembered by everyone. You are the special one for me and no matter what, I know God has great plans for both of us together. Every time you look into my eyes and cause me to blush, every time you hug me a little tight and kiss me on my forehead and my nose, tells me that we are made for each other and as many believe, “Our love story has been written by God Himself”. Love you now and forever and it is not just for the sake of saying, you know it too that all of it is true. I know we both have to a little more patient but with someone like you by my side I know life can be so easy going and filled with happiness. Love you…

The unsaid emotions...


Well yesterday I met two of my friends, one of them is getting married in December and we got discussing about zodiac signs and stuff. So here I was back at home, after a day full of weird events and a lot of irritation due to a number of reasons and started to google on zodiac signs and their compatibility. Isn’t it funny how superstitious we behave once we hear something negative from someone…

I went through our zodiac signs compatibility and as expected everything was negative about the so called us. I was highly irritated when I came across this website which was my savior. I loved the way things had been explained and how positive its outlook was.

The main purpose of writing this post here isn’t about zodiac signs and astrology it was for some other reason which is better left unsaid. At times I feel so tired of everything around me. The last escape of mine was horrible. That is the only reason why FB doesn’t have a new album of this super bad escape of mine. I just wish somehow to undo those days and be back here. Nonetheless what has happened is best gone and forgotten. So I would not talk about it anymore.

Then comes the time when life becomes so difficult when two people are not ready to accept each others presence. I am to be blamed as much as the other person involved, yet there are things which my morals or my values do not permit me to do and so I rather not get involved in things which mean nothing to me. Lately it has become so difficult to talk to someone. Typing is better way of venting out my feelings I believe. Even though I don’t write half the things but still someway or the other my emotions and feelings meet a way to be expressed. Having said and done enough… I just feel like going away and shutting my brain, locking it up.

Take care!!!

Monday, October 24, 2011

And I still can Dream!!!


Weird dreams have I encountered lately. Not just has the sleeping time increased for me but these weird dreams keep me wondering what is in store of me in the future. Well for a change future seems to me scary but in these dreams of mine it was kind of exciting and adventurous. So let me try and get into the tit bits about my dreams.

This dream I had earlier was about a cruise ride or something of that sort. I was with my family, and it felt as if I was back in Andaman and Nicobar Islands but then somehow it was much different this time. The ocean was huge and dangerous; the ship I was in was humongous, and it seemed to be dancing on the ocean bed where very interestingly there was tall column of pillars and it had these images sculpted on them and it felt as if the columns belonged to the Greek. I even heard the name of Zeus being uttered by someone and there was a male figure with flowing hair which occurred to me. I climbed down what seemed like a bridge but actually was the ship, leaving my family behind me and felt closer to the water and could feel it on my body as well. As soon as we got down from the ship I saw this huge gate close behind us and I was walking across a garden and met a family whom I had not met before and introduced them to my family and we kind of planned a day out together.

This dream was very weird and I just couldn’t get the head and tail of it. Yet I was there and sometimes I was scared, especially walking down the ship, and at times I was happy and excited and while sitting almost near the bottom of the ship I remember feeling sad. And the image of the male figure is still so clear to me that I cannot explain.

This second dream I had was all the more weird. I am supposedly in Delhi with 3 of my other friends. Only one friend can I recognize among the 3 and the rest 2 still remain a mystery to me. However I remember clearly that we were a group of 2 guys and 2 girls. So I see that we are standing in this weird office which is supposed to go through our closet to determine whether or not we will get an id of being a Delhite. Since none of us were Delhite, we pretended that we were and got our closets out and there was a huge truck and my closet had all my belongings and two suitcases and stuff like that. There was a female officer who was questioning us about many things and even after we filled the forms and got our pictures clicked for the ID, my other friends got scared and decided to leave their belongings and leave. I kept asking them not to do so or else we would not get this card, but they left. I even asked the authorities to hurry up and make the card because if my friends leave I will have to carry my closet myself and it will really be difficult while I have such a long way to go and even the metro would not accommodate me. I don’t know exactly how that argument was settled but the next thing I know is I am on a plane going somewhere, seemed like Dubai but it was more of Europe I believe. So anyways we go to this university where we are to stay. And also by ‘we’, I don’t mean the 3 friends about whom I mentioned earlier, now it was a huge group of people who had traveled so far with their ids. I got to see three of my old school and college mates in this university and was surprised to see how much they had changed over the years. Especially the girl from my school who was supposed to be so shy, was now daringly wearing a short dress and kept her hair lose and looked quite good. Not only I but another of my school mate, who also was in this trip and yet didn’t talk to me much, she also was surprised. Next I ran up to meet a nurse or was she a doctor exactly I don’t remember to ask whether or not we were to get vaccinations since we were tourists and their might be certain amount of precautions which need to be taken. But she replied in negative and asked me how I know of the procedure; I proudly claimed that I had seen it in lots of movies, well for real I can’t remember any such movie. Nonetheless she was impressed by my knowledge and said she would ask the authorities and would let me know if any such thing was meant to be done. By the time I returned back in the lobby area everyone was scattered since rooms were allotted to each one of us. However in the list my name and that id number were missing. So I contacted the reception and they said I have a special room only for me. It was like a trailer kind of room, very small though very spacious. I remember the cool cabinet which had drawers and had place to hang my clothes and also had space to keep my 2 suitcases in an orderly manner. It was really interesting. Later we all got ready, though I only saw myself leave the university to go out and take a look around the campus and get a hang of things.

At this point I was made to forcefully wake up since it was almost near the end of the day and start of the afternoon and it was time to wake up. In this dream all I felt was confused, happy, excited, surprised and feelings like that.

Both the dreams were very confusing and weird for me even today. Lately so many things are going on in my mind, I wonder if they are manifestations of my own sub conscious mind. Yet I don’t get logic in any of the dreams. Am I supposed to go on a foreign holiday or am I supposed to look out for certain interesting happenings in the near future? There are so many things I can and yet I cannot make out of my dreams. Yet I seriously wish to go on a trip and have the time of my life. Till then cheers to me, my crazy life and my weird dreams!!!


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A mistake I will try not to repeat again.


Yes I admit it was entirely my mistake to have anticipated so much and expected so much that all I got was disappointment. Well to be frank, it was quite sometime now and I was actually looking forward to a change. I thought it would be good for me but little had I known then that it would all be a nightmare I rather could have avoided, if only I had never been so excited about the trip. Well so here I am narrating my trip… it is entirely my account of the trip and this here only n only refers to my perception of things. No harm meant to anyone purposely, so buckle up and read about my bumpy ride.

It was on Saturday that we had to board the plan. As anticipated the last few days weren’t very exciting because of reasons which are best hidden, yet luckily I had a great time with my old school friends who were a blessing in disguise. Seriously I never ever had imagined that I would be so comfortable with those friends whom I had ceased to know after class VII. Anyways there were reasons both to rejoice and be disappointed before I had boarded the flight to Delhi.

Well the flight was fine, not comfortable, however I do recommend the sandwich which indeed was tasty. So finally the flight landed and we were here in Delhi. Well I don’t know why but somehow my spirits weren’t very high yet I pretended to be excited. But after waiting for almost half an hour for someone to come and receive us in the airport I was very much irritated. The problem is I hate waiting, waiting for anyone. And they not just kept me waiting; they also kept my mother waiting, which was all the more irritating. Anyways, hiding my disappointment I embarked to a journey which seemed to be never ending. Finally we reached our destination, well I would like to call it Hell Hole, but keeping in mind the sentiments and emotions attached of my very dear ones, I will prefer it being addressed as a Black Hole or BH.

The first night was fine, but hardly had 5 minutes gone that all I could hear was complaints, so unnecessary and uncalled for, especially to those who come from so far. But what else can you expect in a BH. Anyways the next day I was supposed to meet my friend, I will not say friends, because the others involved are, were or will never be my friends. I woke up that morning to this urgent call which wanted me to reach this place early and didn’t wanted me to be late. So I got dressed, got ready, had a distasteful breakfast and embarked on this supposed fun ride to meet my friend. But it seemed like luck was never ever on my side. Nonetheless I reached the place in time and rather had to wait for my friend to arrive. And I was seriously irritated because frankly I just can’t wait. My mood was so off that I really wanted to hit him so very hard. Yet Rohan was there with me to support me and help me out. I seriously love him and admire him for all what he is to me. Anyways the day was okay, nothing great or grand, yet I had to travel half way to the city and had to come back alone as well. Kolkata me aisa nai hota. Anyways thankfully my brother-in-law was there to receive me in the station and I was rescued for the time being to be struck with another blow. I came back to BH and I don’t remember what passed through that day. The next day I was also supposed to go out once again yet nothing worked out rather no one wanted to make it work out. So I gave up and submitted to my fate and accepted whatever came my way. By the end of the day, was DJ night and even though I laughed like crazy that day I wish I could discuss about it in great details. But once again can’t do so as some sentiments and emotions are involved which I cannot hurt.

The wedding was a !!@##$%&*&*. I have no words to describe it. Anyways the day after the wedding was the day I could breathe normally. Oh I almost forgot my friend lost the gifts I had got him and his sister. Another set back for me. I wanted to some other friends as well, but somehow each one of them was responsible for a thing or two that I decided not to face anyone else.

Well a lot more it to be said, but I choose not to, because the moment I speak up, I will be hurting a lot of people and I don’t want that. No matter how much hurt and pain I have to suffer, I rather not want anyone else to suffer because of me. The only reason why I type all this out is the fact that I too wanted to let out my feelings and a lot of my feelings are yet to be expressed I am happy with whatever space my feelings have taken up. One thing is for sure, I am not taking any more supposed holidays again. I rather watch movies and indulge in shopping in the city I live in. someday I want to be far away from this city but then will other cities treat me the way Kolkata has.

No matter how things might turn out to be, at the end of the day my friends and family matter a lot to me. Even though the count of friends has reduced drastically, well not in my FB friend list of course, but in my real life, yet I try and cherish everything I have and I had. BH… hopefully will never ever get to see you again and be there again because I cannot take any more of you. Thanks for all the memories, good or bad, or whatever. So let it be…

A mistake I will try not to repeat again.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Rejoice... it is the Selfish Me!!!


My habit of writing and reading is slowly going away. I don’t know why but it has. Hopefully one of these days I get back the energy to hit the novels and read them up. I was so much into them but don’t really know what happened to me.

Perhaps because I saw my friend hiding these super costly novels from me in her house so that I don’t borrow them from her. Well it definitely did hurt, but it hurt the most because I clearly remember her destroying the one novel I hold dear to my heart when I had lend it to her. Well the world is full of selfish people and I am no less.

How to define my selfishness?!?!

It is kind of difficult. But yes I am a human being and I am entitled to try and to things to the best of my capability.

This goes back to the days when I was in C.A.E.H.S and I was really getting horrible grades and was unable to keep up my grades, especially in maths  [K.S.Nag (author of the maths book) I still hate you]. So my parents got to know of this tutor who would come and teach me all the subjects. Not only this, the tutor was well known all over the colony. So my parents hire him to teach me and you know what I do? I go up to my friends and tell them I got hold of this very famous tutor and not only this I invite them to take tuitions from the same guy with me at my house. Well you will be thinking this isn’t a selfish act at all. But you will be surprised to know that one of my friends was already taking tuitions from this guy but never really bothered to tell us and when I shared the news, I got a scolding from this esteemed friend of mine for making it public.

It was after I gave my Class-VII exams, that my parents shifted me to this another school, N.P.S.S.B.S, a C.B.S.E board. By the way I forgot to mention, my previous school was of state board where English was not at all given any priority and also they were following the syllabus of my grand mom’s days. And now I was thrown to this entirely new and advanced set up, where we had facilities like the computers, library and many more. For the entire first week in the new school I had no friends. I don’t recall how exactly I passed my days there, but by the second week I did had friends and I am so grateful to each one of them. Well so in this new school, I always used to speak in English, even though my English was pathetic, but English has been my favorite subject since time immemorial. And the other students were not at all comfortable at it. So they usually avoided my company. Anyways by the end of the year we had to attend this NCC camp for which we were asked to sit for your exams before the others and then leave for the camp. I gave the exams and didn’t know what happened once I left school. When I returned I got to know that I did really well in English and that was the time when the other students opened up to me and started talking to me. It was like now I too am worthy of their company. Nonetheless there were a hell lot of things the school taught me, and I am really happy that my parents decided to change my school.

After my boards I wanted to go to ACS, ISC board. For which I sat for an entrance exam and gave an interview as well. To be honest I don’t remember how all of it went, but after a week when the results were announced I was taken in and this was the moment of joy for all. Mom and Dad had been trying their best to get me into this school for a long time now. But due to a thing or two I would never get the admission. But finally I did and it was great. Being a total girl’s school, I saw so many things and learnt so much about girls.

I was always among the top three in class and I seriously don’t know how I managed to do that. Then my name came in the merit list of SXC, and I was the only one to get through the college. And you know what I did; I came out of the college and on our way back home cried for my friends as I knew they had all applied and none got through. And in the evening I get call from these very friends of mine accusing me of the fact that I never said I was applying in the college or else they wouldn’t have wasted money of filling the form for the college.

After SXC, some of us had a real tough time getting into a college for our masters degree. CU reserved only 2 damn seats for students from SXC and then also deducted our total percentage at the very last moment. Because of this many couldn’t get through and the day I got to know of this, I was returning home with dad in the scooter and I cried. And seriously I did. I was so irritated at all of this and you know what one of my friends asked me, whether or not I bribed the people there.

This is the price I paid for my selfishness over the years. The times I have been mean and selfish I got a punch directly on my face, and no one had to do that. Life itself has punished me so very many ways. And still the punches hurt. But why do friends forget all the good things or life and remember the bitter things. Only perhaps it wasn’t expected out of those people you trust the most. And often you trust someone else so much that their fiction seems more real than reality and the truth becomes one of the many lies which you rather do away with than face.

Cheers to Selfishness and to selfish me!!!

Run-Away!!!


My friends always ask me why I seem to run away from them whenever I have problems or whenever something negative happens around me. Most of the times I seriously am out of words to tell them the reasons for doing so, and seriously I myself am so freaking confused all the time about sharing my personal stuff with them.

Well frankly speaking half the friends are not at all bothered at all, and the few of those who are little bit bothered, have no time or interest as such. I mean it gets so difficult to choose one thing over the other. It’s like to choose between getting ignored or going away from those who ignore you? It is a difficult choice I must say, but one has to choose.

To look at the bigger picture, somehow or the other the equation between me and my friends has never really worked out. Well for one among the many reasons, we are two completely different individuals with different approaches towards life. Over time I have come across so many people with different needs and wants and each special and unique, at times irritating and stupid in their very own ways. But I have loved and still love each one of them. It is just the simple fact that at times I like to be left alone, before I can figure out something about my life. Frankly I had such great dreams and elaborate plans about myself that it hurts to see them crumble. Moreover everyone has seen me strong and believe me when I say this. I have always been like this superwoman for whom everything has been possible, who is tough and strong and solid. Well to be frank at times I do feel like a rock, been thrown over from this side of the lane to the other now and then. Anyways the basic thing is unless and until I prove myself to myself; I rather keep things to myself.

Well also to add to my situation there are a host of things going so very against me. It’s like my mind is divided in so many bits and pieces that I have these stupid fits of losing my conscious and being what can only be described as mad. Some of my friends think it is one of those very phases where lovers have a fight, but how should I tell them that there are so very many things my boyfriend himself is unaware of. Luckily I have someone in my life who is so supportive and I burst out to him now and then. But that is so very unfair on my part. So I am trying my best to refrain myself from saying anything which might hurt anyone.

There have been times when I have been let down by my friends and especially those days when I needed someone the most. Somehow the feeling of being left out and loneliness has left a bitter taste on my tongue. And lately has turned so sour that I just don’t want to go on with it anymore. I so wish for my childhood days to return but I don’t have a lamp to rub on it and order a genie to make things better. Rather as my destiny states, I will work hard, toil day and night to set things right, right for all my loved ones. Oh! How I wish some things would work out like in a snap of a finger. But then they will never and I know it very well.

Even thought my elaborate plans are going to the ditches very effectively, I still try and hold my ground, with frankly speaking only my God and no one else. It is difficult to see my loved ones suffer each day and I feel so helpless most of the times.

Friends, family members and my dear ones, if ever you get to read this, remember no matter what each one of you make me what I am today. I love you all no matter what. Just want to apologize for all the days I couldn’t make the sun shine on you and made you sad. If I could have my way I would take back all those days. But I am only a mortal and be rest assured I won‘t live long.

Thanks for everything you guys have done for me. I can never in a million years repay it back to any one of you. Thank You!!!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I believe its over... I hope not!!!


I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I don’t know why and how I was just missing you so much yesterday. I know Ron will completely understand me but then for a change I wanted a friend to be by my side and unfortunately for me, you were that friend for a long time and now there is no one else like you. You might just take it as a compliment, only if you ever get to read it or you might not even bother, but this is fine.

Just wanted to know how you are doing and what is going on these days and just wanted to listen to you, talk to you a bit, but we both now that now it is not possible. Anyways it was stupid on my part to dial your number like that and it was all the scarier when I heard it ringing. I am sorry to have bothered you, even though somehow I feel you are not bothered.

Just wanted to let you know that I miss you my dear friend, and I hope we never ever cross each others path and stay happy in our own lives. This will be the last of you ever again in my blog [at least I hope so].

Baby, love you soooooo much! Thanks for all your love and support, for understanding me and my stupid needs all the time. Sorry for never letting you go off to sleep on time and always calling you up, fighting over silliest of reasons possible on earth. Most of all thank you for being yourself with me and let me be myself with you.

God bless us all!!!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Khatam hai mera Desh!!!


KhaTaM Hai WOh SwAtanTrtA K BhaWAnA
Ab TOh JosH JaGa hAi HuMMnE
gAyE WOh PurANe RaJ pAath K BaATeIn
AB TOH BiGaDnA sEEKhA hAI HuMMnE

TODd k EK DuJe kA SIr
HuM EK NaYa JaHAn BaNaYenGe
BhuL K saaRi SAbhyAtAOn Ko
HuMm EK NaYa JaHAN SAJaYeNGE

haATh MiLakR chaLo TuM BHi Ab
BhRaSTh hAi HuM, TuM BHi BaNo bHrAStH
EK RaJ, EK Hi MuLK mE KaiSe rAhE ShaANti
Ab TOH MauKa MiLa hAi sAb Ko MiTayenGe!!!

Sunday, July 31, 2011

If only...


It is really pathetic to see people go away so easily. I seriously can’t believe it is actually happening to people. First he and now she, two of my friends, we may not have been very good friends or that close to each other, but yes we were friends, committed suicide. It is really shocking and I don’t know why I am typing this down. Maybe since there is no one to talk to actually. And I can understand a bit of what they must have gone through.

The pressure of so many expectations, the pressure of your very own dreams, and the pressure of trying hard to achieve something, can drive the sanest of creatures insane. Can make people do things unthinkable of. Can make lives and can easily break them too. That is what has lead me thinking about things I never dared to even think about. It’s strange to see how strong my friends must have been to commit suicide, the purpose and the reason behind such an act must have been strong, very strong for the to take such a drastic step. And all I can do now is pray for them. But oh! How jealous I am of them now. Ufff!! And irritated too. I seriously have no words to describe the feeling I am having right now.

I wish I could talk to someone but then I can’t, even if I can, I know no one will be bothered to understand me. I know people can laugh at others easily and frankly speaking until now I have met only 5% of people who are genuine and who are true. And somehow I have left all of them behind me and somehow I don’t know whether I can talk to them or not. There was a very good friend of mine whose girlfriend thinks I will steal him away from her. But the fact was that he and I were best of friends and could have never been anything more than that. Well I don’t want to come between boyfriend and girlfriend. And you won’t believe my stupid luck; another of my good friend was lost the same way. When he had to make a choice, I never asked him to choose me over her, but when that coward asked me to make the choice for him since he was too confused; I lost the trust I had in him. Had he made his own choice, perhaps I would have respected him still. Even they he has broken up with her, but I shall never forget the moment he backed out on me and rather was trying to put the blame on me. Then again there are my very good friends who are with me only when they need me, only when their other friends don’t have time for them, is the time they are reminded of me. Even I have done things like this in the past, but as I look ahead now, I don’t see any friends whom I can openly share things with. There has been such a time lapse between our lives, that somehow the familiarity is dead and gone. And even when I speak my mind, I don’t know how but they think of it as bizarre and weird.

Yes, I have changed a lot. Times have changed me and I too have changed myself. But then remains the same quotient of loneliness. I had received a message from a friend, which fits my situation well. It goes something like this: “The worst disadvantage of being strong is that… Nobody cares even when you are hurt.”

You know, from my very early days, I have tried to prove that I am the strongest, the mature one. But lately it has become such an inevitable part of my system that I cannot even dare to share my problems and worries with others, because I am supposed to handle everything well and be strong and tough. How sick I am of these two words, strong and tough!!!

I feel like stitching my mouth up. It’s so difficult to have a proper conversation with anyone these days. And with the social networking sites, it’s more like you are typing rather than speaking. My vocal chords are hardly made proper use of. At times I feel I am going crazy and mad. But then it is a feeling which has been coming in my mind from the day I was born. So it doesn’t matters anymore. What matters is I am still alive and as Zindagi naa miLegi dobara… I am trying my best to make use of the life I have now.

:)

Hope, faith, trust, loyalty, love, friendship… I want to be over all these feelings. Somehow I want to feel like what Sylvia Plath had written in the poem “Tulips”

“I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted
To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.
How free it is, you have no idea how free -
The peacefulness is so big it dazes you,
And it asks nothing, a name tag, a few trinkets.
It is what the dead close on, finally; I imagine them
Shutting their mouths on it, like a Communion tablet.”

If only…


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

My Prince Charming


It was really fun to go through my personal diary which I used to maintain few years back. To read my thoughts, to read about the days which are gone yet have somehow managed to stay in my memory, has made me smile, laugh and even cry a bit. However these few lines caught my attention. Written in the eve of 11th of April, 2009, I didn’t quite knew about the elaborate plans God had for me. And today looking back at the pages made me realize how well God has listened to each of my prayers and not just that He has send the answers as well. Love You Bhagwanji for everything You have done for me. It has been so great to realize that You are there with me no matter what happens. These lines here are a dedication to my love, Ron. I hope you enjoy the stupid lines I had written two years back.

I want someone who can look after me
Who will ask me to stay when it is time to leave.

I dream of a Prince Charming by my side
Who will see the sadness behind my smiles,
Who will patiently listen to me when I want to cry,
Who will be absolutely and purely divine.

Someone for whom my heart can shine.
Someone for whom I can create stupid rhymes.
Someone who doesn’t have to be a silly hero
Someone for whom my eyes can glow.

I want someone special in my life
Someone for whom I can also die.


Love you my dear. You are special indeed and I know that there can be no one like you ever in my life. I cherish each day, each moment spent with you. I cherish the smiles and the eyes which seem to make me blush every now and then. You are the one. I love you now and forever. :)


MuShKiL Ho ChuKa hAi...


DooRiyAn kO MiTanA MuShKiL Ho ChuKa hAi
Ab iNn AddATTon Ko MiTANa MusHKiL ho ChuKa hAi
TaNhA Tum Bhi Ho, TANhA KuCh HuM Bhi hAiN
PaR iSs gAm Ko ChuPanA MushKiL Ho ChuKa Hai.

KehteiN ToH BahUt KuCH hAi FIr Bhi
BiN kAhE SaMjh jAna MushKiL Ho ChuKa hAi.
uNN aanSuOn Ko ChuPANa AuR FiR MuKaD JaNa,
YuNHi haStE HaSTe GuM Ko BhuLANa MuSHKiL Ho ChuKa hAi...

RaAhEin EK NAi, Par EK Hi maAnZiL Ko paANa
YuN BiN HuMSaFAr Ke MusHKiL Ho ChuKa hAi.
Ab TOh tArAS GayE uSS EK sAAth K LiyE
JiS bIn MaRJaNa Bhi MushKiL Ho ChuKa hAi...


Missing you my dear... Love u my dear...
Love u Ron!!!
<3

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

My Last Letter

My dear Best Friend,
(handsome, re, fg)

This is the last letter I ever address to you. Well, I hope you are happy sailing around and will be busy with your work as usual. I also know this that as soon as you return your gf will tell you a hell lot of things. I just wish and pray everything is fine. Well the reason I write this letter is that your sweet gf, well actually she is sweet and loving and caring towards you, she had deleted me from your profile. It doesn't matters if I am no longer in her friend list, what actually bothers me is the fact that she deleted me from yours. I know I have already caused lot of troubles in your love life, but believe me I had no such intentions. And definitely she is your gf now and you must stick up to her. :)

Well I clearly remember you had said that she must never know what had passed between us, our past was gone and it should never be mentioned. And believe me my dear, I did exactly what you said. But unfortunately she had your password and she checked out all your chats. :) And she questioned me, things I denied and made her understand and believe me I had no intentions of coming between you guys. The day you had said that there is a girl who likes you a lot in your life, was the day actually when I had made my decision. I know the feeling of being loved and taken care for. But whatever maybe, it is long gone now and holds no importance in our lives.

I wanted to send this mail out to you today itself but I know she has the password and will do her best to remove me from your life. I too am someone's gf and I can understand her actions well. I'm here not to blame you or your gf or anyone. The fact remains that I am glad we crossed our paths and that we met. I cherish all our memories together, I even cherish the fact that Ron still feels a little jealous of you, but I am sure once he hears about this whole thing, he will be very happy. :)

That is what life is all about after all. It is all about keeping your loved ones happy. And I know you will do this well. Your brother, your sister-in-law, mother and father all love you a lot and so does she. So cherish and respect their love for you. As for our friendship, I had told you, it won't be the same once we both have our commitments towards our partners. :) But always remember, whenever you need a friend I am here for you, always.

I know you won't read this and on second thoughts, perhaps I will also not mail you. :) Just be happy in your life and I hope someday we may cross each others' path and that we may meet someday, a little more older and a lot more maturer. Best of luck with your career, love and life. My best wishes shall always be with you two, no matter what. :) By the way, a little secret I had initially planned to take a revenge on her, but then I thought it will only hurt you more, and I can't hurt my friend purposely. After all you were the reason of my smiles and happiness at one point of my life, and I love you and respect you for that.

Just be yourself, be the same sweet buddy I remember and shall always remember you as. I guess my letter is getting a bit longer, so I should end it here. Still a lot remains to be said and heard, but what can we do, our journey together ends here. Wish you the best of everything.

Your stupid, silly, crazy friend...
(beautiful)


Monday, June 20, 2011

Changed am I?

It iSN'T LiKe iT usEd To bE
ThE ThiNgS haVeChaNgED oR iS iT mE?
ThE Sky SuddEnLy APpEaRs SO SmaLL
AnD I haRdLy Can sEe ThrOuGh ThE CLouDs
It WAsn't So haRd To LOoK ABove.

ThE grEen TrEes haVe LosT ThEir chArm
I KiLL inSeCts aRound mE WhiCh mEAn No haRM
ThE roAdS SOmEhoW haVe beCOMe naRRoWeR
ThE DiRt stAyS FOr Long I can sEE
ANd I Try haRdEr To geT iT ofF oF Me.

My haiR GRoWs LoNgEr aNd I fEEL TALL
i fEEL WeirD BeiNg LeFT aLOnE at aLL
The SPaCe QuOtiENt Bugs mE aLL ThE TiMe
It is ThEy WHo SeEK SoMe sPaCE, EVen MiNe
I SeEM To sTand AnD yEt I AM SuPPOsed To fALL...

ThE ThiNgs haVe ChAngEd Or ChaNgEd Am I
ThE RooTs ArE TheRe BuT inVisibLe To ThE eYe
ThE TruTh I kNow, Yet I LiE
I SmiLe ThROuGh ThE dAy, At niGHt I CRy
EvEn dEAth sEEms a PriViLege, So Let mE DiE...


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

My Nature


daRKneSs oF ThE suN
BriGhtneSs oF ThE MoOn....

The weT RainS RiSiNg Up
AnD coMiNg DowN WitH cLouDs oF teARS

ThE LoW MouNtAiNs ANd 
ThE GrouNd so neAR...

ThE EMpTy SKY
aNd thE dRiEd Up RivER...

eVeRthiNg iS GoNe WiTh a SwoON
AnD ThE enD is heRe TOo SOon!!!


Wednesday, May 25, 2011

YoU, mE AnD ThE sTrEET...


One FiNE MorniNg, WALkiNg DoWn tHe StrEEt,
I sAW YoU AcRoSS AnD SKiPpEd a beAt.

YoU LoOked At mE aNd YoU SmiLEd,
I LoOked At yoU anD feLt So ShY.

YoUr BriGhT smiLe Was aLL i cOuLd FeeL,
It MaDe mE fALL FoR YoU heAd ovEr heELs.

I haD seaRched FoR YoU LoNG and HiGh,
i haVe wAitEd foR YoU a miLLioN LiVEs.

CRoSSing ThE Road seEMeD LiKe an EteRnitY,
WhEn YoU JuMpeD in froNt oF ThE StrEEt, Just FoR mE.

That VeRy MoMenT I fELt i CouLd FLy,
AnD yoU FeAREd I CouLd HaVe DiEd.

YoUr EyeS, YoUr FaCE aNd YoUR StRoNg ARMs,
aLL i CouLd FeEL wAs TheiR WaRmTh.

YoU huRRiedLy ASkEd- 'Are YoU aLRiGht?'
I AnsWeREd-'Yes, WiTH YoU BY My SidE'.

I heSiTaTingLy SmiLed at YoU anD sTaREd,
WaS CauGhT and tANgLed in YoUr gLaRE.

We ExChANged no StuPiD voWs oF LovE,
JuSt haD kNoWn iT wOuLd aLL bE EaSiLy ToUGh.

AnD heRe WE stAnD toGethEr AnEW
WiTh So mANy New WayS aNd neW AvEnues.

YoU KnOw I LovE yoU morE ThAn MySeLF,
anD ouR heArTS aRe WheRe WE ForEvER DweLL!!!
<3