Thursday, December 22, 2011

Yours forever... ME!!!


I am seriously angry on my own self. No matter how many times I will try to make myself understand, I will inevitably make the same mistakes over and over again and then regret about it. Lately the only thing going on in my mind is that no matter what I am not supposed to repeat my mistakes ever again and hurt myself like this.

It’s surprisingly to actually be able to understand the true feelings behind the lines. I had heard or perhaps read somewhere, looks like a very raunchy romantic line, but I don’t know why it sounds so true to me today.

“Loving you is as easy as breathing. And how can you ask me suddenly to stop breathing?”

Wow! I didn’t realize that it could actually hurt so much. I so much can relate to these lines that I seriously am short of words and expressions to go ahead and share or even express my feelings, even to myself for that matter. But today I feel I should finally speak a little about it because I am going crazy and I seriously cannot take it anymore.

I still remember how I had made him confess his love to me. And I know he had so much loved confessing it to me that each month he would make it a point to go ahead and propose to me. Gosh… now that I look back to it, it seems like I will never ever be able to feel so very special with anyone. And in so very many ways that is actually true, and I won’t deny the fact that he will always be a part of me and my life, no matter if we are together or not. Feels like a sharp knife is being stabbed inside my heart. That is how all those poets came up with such great lines and feelings of love, that somehow today I can understand the true meaning of each one of them and can feel their loneliness too. In so many ways I can relate to the love lost lovers, their depressions, yet their hopefulness about the future. I only wish I could have been able to compose such great poetry in my despair as well. But somehow I am so scared to even dwell into the thoughts of a wonderful two and a half year long journey that I feel I will only hurt myself more. I still have this stupid pride and ego in me which keeps saying that I always did right and that somehow things will work out for me for the best. But my brain knows there is nothing left to be done except to quit. And look at my super duper bad luck I can’t even quit. I can’t even run away from my family and my parents, or my friends. Well in a way I have been able to successfully hide from most of my friends, as I believe only 1% of my friends know about this break-up and I didn’t feel like sharing such grand news with any of my other friends. Well this isn’t grand news that it can actually be shared with everyone. Someday maybe when I will actually have good news in my life, I will go ahead and make sure to involve all of my friends in it. But as of now I don’t feel like making my friends a part of my sad and depressing life.

And my super duper sad super sad life, I am listening to all kinds of stupid romantic songs and I wish he could have heard me saying all this to him. But what was bound to happen, did happen. And well I don’t regret falling in love, and having perhaps the best time of my adult life, but what I regret it, that I just couldn’t sustain it. And whenever I look or hear about other couples, all I can be is just be jealous of them. Mostly because of the sole reason that I too had something like them, but had to give it all up.

I know many will ask why I gave up so easily. Well, to say the truth, it has by far been the toughest decision I had to take. But I know how family is and how important family is for someone like me. And I respect the fact and I can say that I am strong enough to give up on love because of my family. From my early childhood I have always said this and will say it time and again, that family comes first for me. And I will do anything and everything to honor my relationship with my family. They deserve every bit of what I am today and I cannot deny them that.

But then it’s actually difficult to give up on breathing but definitely I am trying my best and practicing somehow to keep myself within myself and not letting others know that oxygen is not the sole reason of my survival.

I just don’t know how well to explain what I felt whenever he was around me, even if it was over the phone or a message. From early childhood, everyone knows and it is no secret that I have been a tough girl, some call such a girl a tomboy, in a world full of boys. I have fought and fought hard every step of my life and in this endless battle to try and prove myself strong and tough, somewhere I just forgot who I was. At times I purposely would act messed up so that Mom would look at me and scold me and try to make me look pretty. But slowly it became a habit and I was never ever bothered about how I looked. If I looked at my mirror more than once in a day, I wonder the mirror would also think whether or not I have gone mad. But somehow with him, it was a completely different feeling. I no longer had to pretend to be the super strong female I was known to be. I could be stupid and childish, the one I really was from the inside and I still am from the inside. Only I know how important that feeling was and still is for me. And frankly I don’t have enough words to express the feeling I have with him. He made me come close to myself and made me realize so very many things I never ever thought existed in me. I could be vulnerable in front of him and cry my heart out to him. I could even blush, well a thing I had not known existed in me before. Gosh! If I go on describing the feelings I had and still have, then it will take ages out of me.

Also I am getting older by the day. And I seriously don’t see a point in looking out and preparing myself for another heart break. Because a part of me still belongs to me and somehow I cannot give up on this stupid thought that someday soon everything will be alright, even though I am very confident that nothing is ever supposed to happen between us after our break-up. I just cannot imagine myself with anyone else. And I even shudder to think that he can be married off to someone else. I am trying every way possible to distract myself so that I won’t have to see him again and think about him again. But as you can see how miserably I am failing in my futile attempts. But one good news, now I am head over heels for Taylor Lautner. Well actually I am not, but pretending to be so, I am sure I am soon to only think about him and no one else in the process. So the futile effort is on, let’s hope it works for the best. Thank you Taylor for being there for me, you would never know, but you are helping a lot these days. I sincerely wish I could meet you someday. Well for Hugh Jackman, I used to call him my Hugh, but now that he is gone, I believe he is actually Hugh Jackman for me, someone I can never meet in my life, nor can ever speak to, but all I could ever do is wish that we were together. Isn’t that such a pathetic state of affairs for someone like me?

I so wish I could be a child again. But unfortunately I am in such a stage of my life where I am supposed to behave myself once again, in fact as always. All my life all I have done is behaving myself and act mature. Well it is time to be back to what I was always. I never had the liberty to act childish and appear cute to others. Well I guess God never intended it to be that way. You know it doesn’t actually matters how you are from your heart, as long as you look beautiful and charming, and can flatter people, you are the best. Unfortunately I suck at each one of these aspects, so no scope for me. Yet somehow I manage to carry on and do my work in the best way I can.

Also I am having these random crush on people I don’t even know. But I do have these crushes. Frankly I don’t want any thing else to do with love, but I don’t know why this stupid heart still beats. Wasn’t it stabbed by a knife sometime back? Yet it manages to beat. Damn!

Anyways too much is said by now. Need to go away and rest my head in peace for sometime.

Take care guys and especially take care my stupid heart. I don’t want to be hurt ever again. Please be a lot considerate about this fact and kindly keep me away from distractions which can be injurious to my health.

Yours forever
ME!!!


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Pleasantries...


So many afternoons have gone
So many days I was left alone.
Little did I realize it until now,
Things aren’t the same somehow.

My initial wish was to avoid him completely
But the desire to see him once again arose so urgently
That there was no other way left out
For me to consider over it or about.
My Greek God, majestic on his throne
Looked so perfect yet so forlorn.
His perfect smile and his greeting of a simple Hi!
I wished that very moment I could have died.
But I felt at ease around him this moment,
At times mesmerized by his sweet innocence.
Oh! Now I remember how I had smiled and blushed
Every time he looked my way or passed by me in a rush.
I felt like being that stupid once again
But somehow I waited for my confidence to regain.
And surprisingly we shared a joke or two
And the sarcasm couldn’t hide his self so true.

Alas! I turned towards the prettiest damsel in town
Surprised and pleasantly shocked, she looked around.
Her cold nature appeared so cool today
I just couldn’t picture her any other way
She looked a little pale and somehow so young
Just a sweet thing and pretensions were none.
We had a great chat and she seemed so concerned
Lastly all she did was invite me for her concert.

A pleasant day it was for me
To be back in the once magical land
And to be amongst those who had cared
And today somehow I bother to share
The most expensive feelings I have
For those who would no longer be there.