Well after a lot of thinking I came up with this title for my blog. What to do, haven't written for quite sometime and now things are royally complicated as well as confusing. So what better than Complicated Confusions. It only goes on to show how royally screwed I am and my life can be.
To begin with these morning shifts I am doing. It actually feels like I am in a Government Job or something but I am slogging my ass like a crazy corporate fanatic. I can't go for movies, weekends the prices are horrible. I can't go out before or after shift. Even parents are facing problems. I don't know how people prefer morning shifts. I am so very much missing my night shifts and most importantly my night shift allowance. Moreover these shitty morning shifts are so damn expensive. I end up spending more than I have ever done in my entire career. But I can see my crush because of these morning shifts. Damn Man... you are a great inspiration for me to work. Thank you man for being there, even though I do not exist for you, you are very much a part of my smiles in office.
And because of this stupid shift, I cannot meet most of my friends who are either in night shifts or are as busy as I am. The only thing good about this is the week offs, I get to spend with my family. And imagine me cooking for everyone. Isn't that the biggest achievement of all. But it again adds to my complication, now I have the added responsibility of ensuring no one sleeps with an empty stomach. So I have to prepare food and serve it at the right time for everyone. Wow increases my responsibility and hence more confusions.
Then since I am kind of away from my friends I have to make new ones and that is where the whole plot of complicated confusion thickens. This whole pretending to be friends and bitching behind my back really gets onto my nerves. But the fact is when people speak bad things about you behind your back,it doesn't reflect your character as much as it speaks about their true nature. But who am I to judge? I myself am no angel with wings. But atleast I don't pretend to like someone just for the sake of it. And I would really appreciate if people do the same. As if that is ever going to happen.
I miss my friends a hell lot. Guys, I just wish this shift ends soon. I am done trying to sit quietly and do my work.
The worst part, yesterday I realized that I still haven't expressed myself completely on losing Chaiji. Oh! How much I miss you each day. I remember you always being there when I am in pain, trying to calm me and making me fall asleep. I remember how you would always encourage me to be myself and not to change for others. For the first time yesterday I cried for you Chaiji. I still have so much to say to you but I can't. I just hope Daddyji is not angry on me. Let him know that I miss him too. You both have been the best part of my life and I wish and pray that I get you both as my parents in my next life, only if I am not born as an animal slaughtered in the meat shop.
I want to start dating again. But I seriously cannot trust anyone anymore. I have lost that essential quality of trusting others. And Justin says that is for my very own good. According to him the more easily I trust people the more people will take me for granted. Well he definitely has a point. Non- arguable. Because of my past horrendous experiences I fail to debate with him. But it really is becoming a challenge for me now to trust anyone at all. Maybe for my very own good.
I am still confused and it is getting complicated by the day. Please let the day come soon. I so don't want to breathe anymore. I so want to end it all here. I so want to give up. I am done being the strong one. I want to be the weakest of all, the sickest of all, dead of all.......
To begin with these morning shifts I am doing. It actually feels like I am in a Government Job or something but I am slogging my ass like a crazy corporate fanatic. I can't go for movies, weekends the prices are horrible. I can't go out before or after shift. Even parents are facing problems. I don't know how people prefer morning shifts. I am so very much missing my night shifts and most importantly my night shift allowance. Moreover these shitty morning shifts are so damn expensive. I end up spending more than I have ever done in my entire career. But I can see my crush because of these morning shifts. Damn Man... you are a great inspiration for me to work. Thank you man for being there, even though I do not exist for you, you are very much a part of my smiles in office.
And because of this stupid shift, I cannot meet most of my friends who are either in night shifts or are as busy as I am. The only thing good about this is the week offs, I get to spend with my family. And imagine me cooking for everyone. Isn't that the biggest achievement of all. But it again adds to my complication, now I have the added responsibility of ensuring no one sleeps with an empty stomach. So I have to prepare food and serve it at the right time for everyone. Wow increases my responsibility and hence more confusions.
Then since I am kind of away from my friends I have to make new ones and that is where the whole plot of complicated confusion thickens. This whole pretending to be friends and bitching behind my back really gets onto my nerves. But the fact is when people speak bad things about you behind your back,it doesn't reflect your character as much as it speaks about their true nature. But who am I to judge? I myself am no angel with wings. But atleast I don't pretend to like someone just for the sake of it. And I would really appreciate if people do the same. As if that is ever going to happen.
I miss my friends a hell lot. Guys, I just wish this shift ends soon. I am done trying to sit quietly and do my work.
The worst part, yesterday I realized that I still haven't expressed myself completely on losing Chaiji. Oh! How much I miss you each day. I remember you always being there when I am in pain, trying to calm me and making me fall asleep. I remember how you would always encourage me to be myself and not to change for others. For the first time yesterday I cried for you Chaiji. I still have so much to say to you but I can't. I just hope Daddyji is not angry on me. Let him know that I miss him too. You both have been the best part of my life and I wish and pray that I get you both as my parents in my next life, only if I am not born as an animal slaughtered in the meat shop.
I want to start dating again. But I seriously cannot trust anyone anymore. I have lost that essential quality of trusting others. And Justin says that is for my very own good. According to him the more easily I trust people the more people will take me for granted. Well he definitely has a point. Non- arguable. Because of my past horrendous experiences I fail to debate with him. But it really is becoming a challenge for me now to trust anyone at all. Maybe for my very own good.
I am still confused and it is getting complicated by the day. Please let the day come soon. I so don't want to breathe anymore. I so want to end it all here. I so want to give up. I am done being the strong one. I want to be the weakest of all, the sickest of all, dead of all.......
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