For the past few weeks all I could think of was Death. Well I
failed to voice my thoughts to anyone but today somehow I decided that I would
update my blog with this very idea of Death. And look what Life had in surprise
for me. Just when I was about to sit and start updating my blog, we receive the
news that my uncle (Chote Mamaji) has passed away. Even though I may not have
been close to him but it surely came as a shock. My mom's brother is no more
and I just knew how mom would be feeling at this point of time. Well Life makes
us struggle so much and see where we all end. I wish and pray that Mamaji
wherever you are please be happy and do not take unnecessary tensions. Your
kids have all grown up and are well settled in life. Leave with a happy heart and
do not be sad. I know you will be duly missed, your numerous talks, your quirky
jokes, those uncountable moments spent with you will always be cherish and
remembered. Just ensure that you are safe and happy.
I do not have many memories with my Mamaji because whenever we
used to be in Delhi, he would be out touring for his work. But occasionally I
do remember getting the scolding from him when we kids would run around the
house and create chaos every now and then. And he was the only son who took
care of my Granny, Mataji. But Mamaji no matter how absent you may have been
for us, for the family you were always there, standing through thick and thin.
You kept the family together and I respect you for that. Please have a safe
journey and give my regards to everyone you meet.
Lately I was thinking how easy life would be for many if I was
dead. Be it family or friends, I have been an unnecessary cause of trouble for
many and it would be for the best I believe. It is weird to see how
friends change just because you perform well and you are appreciated for it.
Since those stupid old school days I have seen this very weird trait in human
beings and yet I have ignored them time and again. It actually hurts to see
that your friends are jealous of you. I remember when I got through SXC, how
badly I prayed to Bhagwanji so that one of my friends too could join me. Then
it was CU, and I cried when I saw that none of my friends were selected. And
the funny bit about it is that I am tagged as selfish. When people have only
been using me for credit, merits or money, I believe that there exists
something greater called friendship. Well it is all a sham and I am done trying
to be friends with such people. I am done being judged every now and then,
being questioned about unnecessary events, being hated by all. I just want to
be myself, away from everyone, just I me and myself. I just want to die. And I
seriously donot care about my ending, all I care about is how fast I can reach
there.
Well I will be digressing a hell lot in this blog of mine.
Yesterday night I dreamt of my crush Chashmish (from office) and we were
married and a lot of things which I don’t remember. But strangely enough I
remember him hugging me tightly, remember the hug I so passionately talk about.
I remember him smiling at me and taking care of me. I remember his specs and
those beautiful eyes staring down at me. It all felt so real, his voice, his
touch, he himself. And I wonder if he even knows that I exist. Chashmish, you
have been a muse for me for quite sometime now and now I dare to write about
you as well. You have inspired hope in me in so many ways you are not even
aware about. But hopefully someday when you look at me, you will see that you
are admired.
Another revelation I heard was that after my break-up people
consider me to be bi-sexual. OMG!!! That is such a stupid and rubbish rumor. I
know I am straight and no matter how much I may joke around with my
girl-friends, they will always be friends and nothing more than that. As for
guys, well I do love athletic tall smart and caring guys. Anyone out there
reading this post and interested, please do let me know. Till then Taylor
Lautner you shall always be in my heart my love.
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