Life is becoming complicated by the day. I wonder what exactly I am still doing here. Yet somehow I drag on and I try my best to keep my head held high. But these days I feel so restless and irritated with myself that I can give no logical explanation for it. Seems like logic has lost its importance in my life. I remember being the confident girl who had every eye on her, criticizing her, taunting her, embarrassing her, yet she was strong enough to bear it all. But now I think that girl is lost somewhere. No matter how much I try to put the mask up, someway or the other I keep on losing out on it.
Some days back we had actually had a conversation while fighting. A lot of things which were unsaid finally came out of their wraps. And I was, for a change relieved because those things had eaten up my mind for such a long time. Seems like mom and dad too had forgotten about them, but no one knew how badly I was shaken and affected when actually I had to go through all of it. But as some poet had said, I can’t remember who, our best songs are of our saddest emotions. And I so clearly remember one of my compositions, I AM UGLY. Well it might not be a very fantastic piece of work, but for me it says the best of my emotions. And I love myself inside out and every part of me is vital to me. Only I am aware of things which I have experienced and no words can actually express it. But I try hard to express myself because I know keeping things inside me is not the best way to live through life. And the position I am right now in, it feels so frustrating to see how well I could have dealt with it, and how helpless I feel right now.
I remember always being the friendly one, the chirpy one, as many would describe, happy go lucky girl. But then there has always been a part of me which was hidden from the rest. No matter how much my expressions give away my feelings, what truly lies beneath me, stays underneath forever. And yes I did made a mistake of sharing my deepest thoughts with this someone special, with whom I thought things would turn out to be the best. But look at my over confidence and my ego, I never ever can accept that the fault lies in me. I never tried to stop it from happening. No matter how much I was scared about the future, I now know that I should expect nothing of it. From where I stand today it seems like there is no hope at all. My sleepless nights are driving me crazy. My crazy dreams are making me irritated and scared all the more. The smile I wear on my face everyday is starting to wear off. I seriously have no idea how I will deal with things anymore.
Yesterday while returning from my bro’s place, I was as always cribbing about my life. Well frankly I have no idea what I am really up to and what I am trying to do with my life. As clueless as ever, I feel like walking towards something I have neither idea about nor even the intention to walk any further. But something keeps me from giving up and yet I keep on walking. It is actually senseless of me to expect anything out of my life at all. The days I have gone through, only I know how I have survived through them. The pains stabs like a death wound. Anyways so as I was saying, dad told me that my life has only begun and that I need not worry about things because somehow or the other they will work out for the best. But how should I tell him or make him understand that things are quite different that what he perceives it to be. I know he has seen life in a much better way than I have, yet I have lost hope. And the positive me is just lost somewhere these days.
None the less I am here writing out everything. Well for a change I decided to keep my blog updated. It’s been such a long time that I have been writing for and I want to continue to do so. Writing is something which makes me feel happy and satisfied about myself and my life. It’s an absolute pleasure to see and perceive things and then to decorate them with the few words I have in my vocabulary. I know I am no award winning writer or something, but someday I hope that I will be known for my writings. After all they are an eternal part of me and who I am.
I need a distraction badly. And I know not where I will find such a distraction. Well things are very much different now. You know what I had this weird dream about this guy, one amongst the many; I have a stupid crush on. Actually it is not a crush; it’s just a liking from the far. Well anyways as I was saying, in this weird dream of mine, he came up to me and hugged me so tightly. In fact I want a hug pretty badly these days and there is absolutely no one to understand that need of mine nor am I able to make anyone understand about it. And also weirdly enough I was crying and the moment I felt the hugged, I was enveloped in these warm arms which seemed to protect me from the outside world. I felt safe and secure in those arms. I don’t really know what my dream was trying to tell me, but one thing is for sure, my dream made it pretty clear to me that am virtually depressed from the inside. The people around me fail to see it nor have I the intentions of making it clear to anyone of them.
Hey in office, I have met a few very good people and I have really happy to interact with them each day. The stupid jokes we crack and when we pull each other’s leg. It is all too much funny. I wish each of them great lives to come.
More on my stupid little useless and hopeless life later. Take care till then…
No comments:
Post a Comment