It was around 2 days ago that I had a weird dream. Not that I don’t have weird dreams every now and then, but the weird part was I was happy in my dream. Oh! How much I wish my dream would come true, at least the part where I have someone who can take care of me, hug me and make me feel come alive once again.
I don’t know how but I do remember the details of this dream real well and that is what surprises me. Hardly has such dreams left a big impression in my memory but seems like it doesn’t wants to leave my mind. Or should I say I just can’t part with the very idea of it being a dream. It was so freaking real that I still can feel the hug and the smile spread over my face. Oh! What will I give up to get myself back, if ever.
So after all the hype about my weird dream, let me go ahead and narrate it, as simply as possible. Because after a point it becomes scandalous and even in that scandal I remember each breathe, every move and every step I took. Strange, really strange!
First of all, I dreamt about me and this guy we are together as a happy couple. As for this guy let’s call him Illusion, because at one point of time I could have sworn my life and love for him but he hurt me bad, hurt me a lot and I just can’t forget the pain he caused me. I try my best not to be so rude to him but I just can’t help it. I end up being so irritated towards him that we mostly end a conversation with silence. So now the narration of my weird dream continues… details shall be revealed later on.
It was a casual evening. I was lying on the bed watching TV and flipping between channels trying to find something sensible as well as watch able. And as I try my best to flip between channels, this hand comes from behind me and hugs me tightly and I can hear someone say in my ears, “You know I would never let you go”.
Well yes, mostly in my dreams I see people conversing in English; even I tend to think in English these days. So don’t mind the dialogues thinking that it will sound so cheesy in Hindi, but actually whatever was in Hindi will be duly translated in Hindi and will be credited as well.
I am surprised to hear the voice, because somehow I don’t recognize it, yet it sounds familiar. I can feel the touch and the warmth of the arms around me, I feel secure and protected, yet I don’t know who is hugging me. So finally I turn around and I find Illusion there. To my utter surprise he is smiling and looking so happy and moreover he is saying that he loves me. Well, yes of course I did imagine a time that he would confess his love to me, but that never ever happened and this shouldn’t have been happening either. But I can see him clearly, listen to what he is saying, and feel his emotions and that bright smile which even I seem to share with him. And in a very filmy way he says, “aisi hi hasti raha kar, tujhe haste dekh bahut sukun milta hai”. English translation; keep smiling like this always, seeing you smile gives me peace of mind. As in coming from him seems so surprising and so shocking that in the dream I think that I am dreaming and that he must be joking, when he kisses me slightly on my forehead. And I felt that he has kissed me a million times. It didn’t feel weird or something new to me. And that is what was more dangerous for me.
Later mom called us out of the room, then he gave a sweet smile and let go off me so that I could go out and help mom with something. The next I see is that my niece is not going off to sleep and I have been given the responsibility to make her fall asleep. I try to make her fall asleep when someone comes and hugs me tightly from behind. And you won’t believe it was Illusion again. And to this hug I reply, “tumhe pata hai naa abhi tak tumhare weight k addat nahi hui hai mujhe, thoda aaram se hug kia karo”. English translation: You know that I am still not used to your weight (not that he was fat or anything, just that suddenly when weight falls on you, you feel weird), so please hug me a little slowly and not so tightly. And he sweetly smiled and said, “bahut jald aadat padd jayegi…” English translation: Soon you will get used to it. And guess what I do next, I hug him back more tightly and this time I say, “You know, I will never ever let you go”. And I am editing the scandalous bit, stating only that we ended up kissing very very passionately.
This dream of hardly 5-6 minutes made me scream out of my bed. Yes, you read it right, I did scream. It is all I can think of for the past couple of days. And why the scream? Well as it is evident, emotionally at this point I am not in a very good state, and this dream reminded me of everything I ever dreamt of with Ron (somehow I just call him my ex because he is very much a part of me). I shared my dream with a friend and she said this is only because right now I am looking for someone who can look after me and since no one is able to fill the void in me; my subconscious is treating me to such fantasies.
Well I feel so too now. But somehow I was happy and smiling in my dream. And it was the genuine smile which is missing in me for such a long time. Oh! How much I want myself to be back to me. I want to be the real me, the happy me. But there is nothing good happening around me to make me happy. I am faking every smile, and now it seems even my breathing has become fake. Every night and day I cry. I fail to share my insecurities. I have never done that ever in my life and the one person I shared my life with; we just can’t share our future together. I am having such weird thoughts lately. Feel like running away from everything and everyone. Today itself I thought why not register on a matrimony website, and get married and get away from everything in life. I don’t want to stay in India
I have become so negative and yet I can’t help myself anymore. I just want to run away. And there is no one who can help me out. I want to sleep now; hopefully I can rest my head. And hopefully I never ever come back…
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