It has indeed been a long time since I have written down
anything. Frankly I do have so much to share yet somehow was restraining myself
from speaking my mind. That is just so typical of me. Anyways now it is time to
reveal details of stuff I haven’t even discussed with so many people. I have
fallen in love, taken a chance once again and failing in it badly too.
It has not even been a month and already he is having second
thoughts about me. That is just so typical of my life. All the time the guy
keeps on saying that it will be me who will break up but in reality the guy
breaks my heart ruthlessly and leaves. Nonetheless somehow I am trying to find
peace with my destiny. There are so many couples who have so many more problems
and yet they have the strength to endure the tough times together. But I guess that
strength in me is going away. I am losing myself in order to be with someone.
All my life I have done this and all my life, I have lost myself little by
little. I have been broken everyday and yet all I am supposed to do is smile.
When I try to voice my opinion it is always my ego which
speaks because somehow I lack a heart. I am not a human being anymore. I seriously
don’t know what to do with myself. All I wish to do is run away and hide from
everyone. Be on my own for a while. It feels strange indeed. Seriously do I deserve
all this? All I ever want my life is to be loved and I guess everyone has a
right to be loved. But somehow I am not. All I am meant to do is compromise,
adjust and smile. I am the mannequin with no desires, no emotions, a plastic smile
is all I am supposed to wear. And fine, let me go ahead and do that as well.
Let me for a change listen to what others have to say. Stay quiet, don’t voice
opinions, smile all the time and never ever complain, because I get all the
basic necessities of life and that is enough for my survival. I never thought I
would surrender but I am tired of fighting everyone and everything around me. For
a change I wanted someone to take care of me, to understand me. But I guess
that was never meant to happen and so I duly resign to my fate and accept all
what is coming my way. No matter how sad and broken I may be from the inside,
the outside should always have a smile. Forget about my own needs and
concentrate on what others expect of me. Prove to others that I too can be
good. And hate myself each passing day.
Nonetheless I am over exaggerating things as always. It is
time to resign and refrain myself from doing anything stupid.
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