The life of illusion and the romantic notions which are fed to our minds right from the very beginning of our lives, it just makes us all the more hopeless and stupid. Based on my own personal experiences have I decided to finally reveal the revelations, some of which I realized myself and some of which was made to dawn on me. Here I am today accepting all what I have done and the only regret I will have for the rest of my life is that I was stupid enough to believe the notions others had created to distract us and to keep us away from the painful truth of reality.
As a happy-go-lucky child, I was really never bothered about how others perceived of me. Changing schools and being alone in a crowd was something I was already getting used to. Everyone knew I was friendly but no one knew that even I needed friends to be myself. As I grew up, watching hopelessly stupid and romantic movies, I thought I too will have a prince charming in my life. Perhaps not as perfect as the ones who are shown in the movies, but someone who would know me inside out and love me all the same. When I joined this school, all such notions came to an end, because I hated boys by now. They always thought of me as a guy amongst them, even when I would never talk with them, and would be always intimidated by my strength. It also gave me pleasure in so many ways to see that none of the guys could ever stand up to me.
When I entered college I realized that love was an eternal part of many living beings. I too wished to be loved by now but as expected I was never the right person for love. But somewhere deep inside my heart and my mind I truly believed that someday I too will find love because after all I am made of love, and I too will be loved and cared for. It was in college that one of my very good guy friends told me that I am a marriage material and not exactly a girlfriend type. Back then I really didn’t understand whether to take it as a compliment or to be irritated by it. But whatever it was, I was fine. I always thought that the guy who will have the guts to propose me will actually make me not just his girlfriend but also his wife. My pride was too big to see anything else otherwise. So many people told me on my face that I was ugly, but my ego kept on believing that someday I will be the prettiest of all girls for someone special. No matter how many times people teased me about being so tom boyish, I always knew and truly believed that with my prince charming I will be the epitome of womanhood and not just this, I will be his perfect girlfriend, his best friend and his lover. Little had I realized back then how hollow my thought process and my opinions were for my own self? I should have listened to all what others had to say about me. I was a girl everyone can be scared of, a girl who is strong enough to be by herself and is never meant to be loved or taken care of.
Most of the times guys don’t realize that even girls need to be taken care after. It is not always the girl whose responsibility is to look after everyone at home, but the guy’s responsibility as well. But then back to where I was. After college, life was very dull and boring and actually depressing for me. I was disconnected with everything around me, trying to find a place for myself, figuring out what I should be doing.
During this phase I met him, he became my best friend. The first person I opened up to and discussed the most secret of my fears. I am frankly not the kind of person who would love to talk about her own self all day and night long. But yes at times I too need someone who could hear me out. And my pride made me believe that yes there too will be someone who will be able to fulfill this desire of mine. After becoming friends, we got to know each other so very well that by now I had told almost everything about my life. I also tried to probe into his life, but he didn’t open up instantly, he took his own sweet time to discuss matters with me, and I respected that. I was in love and you know what, I still am hopelessly in love with him.
Technically we have spent only 6 days together. And I seriously can live 6 lifetimes for those 6 days. But then I got to know of some things I had never ever realized before. Up till a few days ago I considered myself to be a good girl friend. In fact he always agreed to it, that he could never find someone like me ever in my life. And now I know that it was never out of love that he used to say so, but rather it was the truth which he felt, only I was stupid enough to believe all that.
Today I realize that actually I am not worth being someone’s girlfriend, let alone someone’s life partner. There have been guys who have told me time and again that I am scary and you know what when you hear something spoken to you again and again, you actually start believing it. Well fine, I accept today that I am scary. And I also accept it is far better to be alone and lonely than to have someone who lies to your face. When I was in a relationship, I hardly had any friends left around me. Even on my birthday, there hardly was anyone who was interested in wishing me. But then you blamed me that I pushed you away from your friends. I guess you are right; I never gave you, your personal space. I forced you into meeting my friends, my family; I forced you in committing with me. I am such a bitch. I feel so cheated right now. But don’t worry; I won’t blame you or anyone else for that matter. I solely am responsible for this current situation. Had I not forced my life upon you, this would have never happened. I am sure you too are glad that it has come to an end. Frankly I never had to intention to interfere in your or anyone else’s life. All I ever tried to do was love you the way I knew you should be loved. And today I feel that all my endeavors were a waste, because you never really understood me and were looking for every stupid reason to break up with me.
Oh how much I wish I could speak my mind out completely. But my stupid pride and ego still stands in the way. I am no longer a girlfriend but yes I am still stupid, proud and full of ego.
These lines from Katy Perry’s song :
“In another life
I would be your girl
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world
In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away.”
Well I thought of these lines again and again, and all I could think of was you and me. But from today onwards I will pray that we are never together again. I don’t want to come between you and your friends. And no matter how much your friends embaras me and make me feel uncomfortable, I shall never be a reason for your embarrassment in front of your friends. You are free to live your life your way. Your family, your friends, your thoughts, your opinions, is all you should be bothered about. Rest is none of your concern. And also from today I have decided that I will not even call you. I don’t need even a friend in my life. I have done great being alone and I will do great being alone always. I don’t need anyone anymore in my life. Thanks for all you have ever done for me. I don’t regret a single second spent with you, but yes I do regret the fact that even though you told me I was your best friend, you were never honest with me. You never ever gave me the chance to be your best friend. And I like a stupid told you everything about me and my life. I thought finally I had found someone who could listen to me. But I never thought that while listening to me, you yourself will stop speaking your mind. Today I am glad it is over, or else I would have been responsible for ruining your life and taking you away from your friends and family.
Once again I don’t regret the time we spent together, I just regret the fact that I was never worth being your best friend. Thanks for your time, your love, your patient hearing, your patience and everything else. But yes thanks for making me realize that I actually am a stupidly proud and egotistical girlfriend, someone who can never ever be anyone’s love or even a friend for that matter.
Thanks…!!!
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