An encounter with myself...

While sipping through the cup of life
I look up to the mirror only to fid
A shadow of something which used to be mine
The dark eyes stare back at me
The cold hands catch me shivering
And Oh! I have forgotten what used to be mine.

The clock tickles, I can see it
Time doesn't move, I can feel it
Still I stumble over only to find
I just cannot see anymore what used to be mine
I can only make out the outline of a smile
My legs are tired, did they just run a mile?
Heartbeats echo throughout the room
It's fun to see how much it can beat just before it is bout to die
I stare back at the mirror, this body is still mine.


I had written this on 17th Nov 2012, my Chaiji's birthday. I donot remember the exact reason as to why I had suddenly written such a weird poem, yet I found it in my old cell phone so thought of posting. No changes have been made to the original piece. Miss you Chaiji always.

Thank You Bhagwanji for everything.

Chasmish...!!!!!

I am sure a few have come across this name Chasmish in many of my blogs. Well nothing great, Chasmish is this really smart looking guy in office I used to have a crush on and no more. But for me to elaborate more on it you have to read on.

From the very first day I entered this office of mine, I have seen Chasmish and believe me he has always brought a smile on my face even though he is least aware of that. I have always admired tall guys who are good looking, but Chasmish has managed to sustain my interest until only recently when tragedy befell on me. But before that I would like to talk about him a bit. He is like the sweet nothings we smile at sometimes. It was only after I completed my 2 years in the office that I came to know of his name and unfortunately his religion too. Even though it shouldn't matter as he is just an innocent crush of mine but then if ever I thought I could have a future with him, all my dreams ended right there. But still I really like whenever I get to see him in office. He has, unknowingly been a great source of strength and happiness for me. Well what more to say, I have seen him picking his nose and believe it or not, I found him cute doing that even. Strange isn't it? Yet I have a sweet liking towards him.

Once he opened the door for me, once I screamed Chasmish across the corridor, no matter how many times my eyes followed him and we have crossed each others path. I know he would have hardly noticed me, first because I guess I am not that great looking, also because I always suspect he has a girlfriend. Yet I have this insanely huge crush on him. And I have already seen him in my dreams for in total 3 times, counting the most recent one I woke up to today.

I saw him approaching me and we had a sweet little conversation and then he kind of asked me out. And obviously I said a yes. We even went on a date and I remember staring at his beautiful eyes through his specs and I remember feeling shy in front of him and his such an adorable smile which belonged all to me. I wish the dream would have gone on for like forever. But rather it woke me up and I smiled to myself just imagining Chashmish near me.

So determined I look for him and all my suspicions were true. He is into a relationship and I pray that it is a happy and a healthy one. I want him to find the true love he deserves. But I am sad. Maybe he will never know I exist. He will never know how much he is admired but I guess that is for my own good. Any ways with the weird reputation I have these days, it is best that he stays in the dark. But I know he knows that I kinda like him. But I am disappointed. I seriously don't know what I want. But yes I want Chashmish to be happy with his love. And also I guess I want to know him and be friends with him if possible. Lets see if that ever happens. Chashmish, you bugger, why?!?!?!?!

Still buddy thanks for everything. You are always admired and adored. Take Care my dear and be good to your loved ones.

And Then...

I have so much to do

But so less of strength

I want to move ahead

But I know it now and then

The many hurdles I need to cross

The many lives I need to touch

Much to do

And time haunts me

They laugh and make me a joke

They point fingers at me

And I wish if only

And then I have this life

Or the life has me?

Lots is left to be covered

Lots need to be finished

And then I realize

It is not only me

Nothing to trust

Nothing to believe

And yet I still say

If only...

In an alternate universe...

Well for a change I was suddenly thinking of an alternate universe. Had I been a part of such an universe, what would be different? It got me thinking and I came up with some real weird ideas. Frankly I would not like to disclose such ideas because I do not know who will react to them as to how. But yes I would like to be loved for a change. I would like to be taken care of for a change. Maybe in an alternate universe I wouldn't have been so strong and so alone. In an alternate universe I wouldn't have to fake smiles and others would have been genuine to. I would not have been called such bad names and my parents would have always been happy.

Oh! I wish I was in that alternate universe. I would have been so happy. If only we had the brains and things wouldn't have been so messed up. If only I wouldn't have cause so much pain and trouble to all. If only...

But it is a very good thing to think of. Well frankly speaking it helped me a lot. I can always escape to this alternate universe of mine and see and feel what I want to. If only it had been real. But then it is for me.

Thank You for creating such a beautiful alternate universe for me...

Thank You!

The Dream Catcher...

I am a dreamer and the whole world knows it by now. But the weird part about my dreams is that they do not have the ability to ever be turned into reality. Well in so many ways it is good but then it is irritating as well. For the past couple of days however I have been seeing these weird dreams which I remember in bits and pieces but somehow they make no sense to me. Yet somehow they are a part of me and no matter how strange they may sound I am very much a part of them. So I will be narrating a couple of weird incomplete dreams of mine, let's see if at all I can recall them.

The very first dream I would like to narrate is that of a friend of mine, well he used to be a friend and he saw me in one of his dreams. This dream was a couple of months back when we were in speaking terms and we used to share a couple of things but no more. As always good things come to an end but without further delays I would narrate the dream. So he saw me in his school campus and we were walking down this road. He remembers me clearly because it was only both of us who were walking down that specific road, a road my friend holds close to his heart and it was the first time I was there with him. Obviously he was showing me around and even in the dream he was quite confused as to why I was even there with him.Anyways as we walk down this road we meet an old person. According to my friend the old man had completely grey hair and was very fair and it seemed as if I had known that person for a long time. So ignoring my friend I start talking with the old man and I start walking down the road with the old man, completely forgetting about my friend who stands dazed as he is not able to understand our conversation or even realize the fact that I am leaving with the old man.
According to me, the old man he saw in the dream could have been my grandfather, Daddyji. Rest I would not like to say anymore.

This dream I had was also some months back. I was entering the gates of my very old school along with Chaiji by my side. I ask Chaiji to wait outside so that I can log onto my system and accompany her back to the car where Dad will drive her home. I clearly remember rushing to my desk in the school where I see a couple of familiar faces from my office, I inform them that I have to rush so as to accompany my Chaiji out till the car. As soon as I rush out, I see Chaiji walking back the steps all alone. I call out to her, asking her to stop but she just turns back and smiles at me and I start running after her. I see myself running in the old school field towards the exist, but Chaiji is already gone and I cannot see her anymore.
I miss you Chaiji. It has been exactly six months today that you are no longer with us, but I miss you. But you know I will not cry, I am a strong girl, your strong girl. Just take good care of yourself and please do not worry about us. And also if possible tell Bhagwanji it is time for him to send my Knight in shining armor. I need him this time to be by my side.

Now in this dream I see no one specific besides myself. And I clearly do not remember the intricate details of this weird dream of mine. But what I do clearly remember is the fact that I am about to die in this dream and the people around me are also aware of the fact that I am about to die. The cause of death is something I seriously cannot recall, but then I saw myself lying on my bed and someone tapping me on my shoulders asking me to follow as it is time for me to go. Rest I do not remember much but yes I do remember waking up that moment and praying to Bhagwanji. Lets see what happens next.

This very next dream of mine happened the day just after I saw myself dying. Well I can clearly remember this dream of mine with some really specific details. To begin with it was another school of mine where I saw one of my bestest buddies from college with whom once again I am not much in talking terms. However I am working even though it is my school building and while I climb the stairs I know this friend of mine is following me and I am so trying to avoid him because of this fight which we actually had in real life. But then he comes from behind, taps me on my shoulder hugs me and apologizes. I could see that he was genuine in his apology. So anyways I go back to my work and I come out of the washroom just to remember that I have forgotten my wallet inside. So as I go inside the washroom I see my wallet but I realize that there was a bundle of Rs.250 (100+100+50) and Rs.600(500+100) missing. I do not surprisingly panic but my friend does who runs around here and there asking people about the money.Then while I check my wallet again I find Rs.250 stacked nicely but the Rs.600 is still missing. While my friend is still involved in the search I tell him not to worry as I am about to die any ways (reference to my previous dream) and I walk down and take the cab back home.

So many dreams and such a harsh reality. I seriously do not know what to make of my dreams. But I do know that I love my dreams no matter what. Not all of them but yes some of them. By the way I just realized it is time for me to sleep. So good night, sweet dreams, sleep well and God bless everyone.

Thank you Bhagwanji for everything.

Will there ever be an end???

I find it strange that nothing has an end. There is no end to anything. Even death doesn't stop anything. Well Daddyji passed away, nothing stopped. He was not there with us but did that stop us from living our lives? Yes, there was pain, there was hurt and regrets, but for how long? Nothing has an end to it. For him perhaps everything came to an end, but if we look at the bigger picture, did anything stop? Same goes for Chaiji, it is almost 6 months, damn 6 whole months without her when she couldn't even stay 6 hours away from us. But has this made any difference in our lives? Aren't we still breathing, still slogging to stay above the water?

Basically there is no end. The sun will rise, the rain will fall, the stars will shine, the flowers will bloom. As for people they will be back to their mundane lives, the many routines they so rigorously follow. So will it make any difference if I am not here? I guess for a few days it will but after that everything will be normal.

After whatever happened I guess it is time for me to bid my farewell. I have tortured everyone enough and I guess in this whole process I myself have become more bitter and I cannot control my anger anymore. Ignorance is bliss and I so wish for ignorance. But unfortunately I am the only one who seems to know everything and yet cannot ignore it. I am the one who suffers in silence the brunt of this undeniable truth. I am the one who should die with a million secrets in my heart. And oh! how much I wish to end all of this. How much I wish life would show me the end I want to. But if only I had strength enough, I lack the essential courage for it. Even though I had planned a couple of things in my mind, seems like nothing works in my favor ever. This time it has to happen. I need to be away from everyone. I must have the courage to leave and live the life I truly deserve for a change. I need to runaway. I have no idea as to where and how, but the day is coming soon.

I never expected the door to open right on my face that is still hurts. I didn't want to bruises to show. I didn't want to flaunt my wounds to anyone and so it shall be. I will be the closed book I have been for ages. No more friends, no more sharing of myself with others and no more trusting people. It is time for me to learn my lessons and to move on in life. I want to leave everything behind me and I want to move on. But why is it so difficult, why it seems impossible? I ain't the one to be scared of others, but somehow I am. I am scared of the very thought that people will hurt me again, they will use me and throw me away, they will call me names and not bother about it. It is time for me to move on, but how I do not know.

I have to find my end. I have to find a way to be away from everything and everyone. Bhagwanji help me. I have no strength in me anymore to live like this. I have endured a lot of changes and have taken up a lot of things I never thought I would ever have to. But I need this all to end. Please give me strength enough so that I can leave everything behind me. Give me the courage to leave with a smile and let others be in peace. I know death is not an option for me, but help me find a way to leave without having to make others feel sad. Help me move on.... Help me find an end...

Wrong Notions...

I am really shocked and appalled at this. Just because I am single and currently dating no one doesn't mean that I am available for stupid pointless flings. How can people even think like that? Do I look like someone who will sleep around with people for fun? Or do I look like someone who is easy to be taken and conquered in the bed? Seriously I feel violated. I wish to slap these people right across their faces. But then why should I dirty my hands for such creeps. I know anyways they will talk about me behind my back and contribute to the million rumors which are already doing their rounds about me. I seriously am doubting myself now. How else should I carry on with my life and these rubbish things in my life?

I am done explaining myself to such shit heads. They will anyways presume and assume what they want to, what is easier for them to digest. It would definitely will be hard for them to know the innermost secrets of my life and myself. They want to see me in the arms of other men, any men just for the sake of their stupid amusement. For them I am only a source of entertainment and not a human being who breathes and unfortunately has feelings. I seriously am feeling so depressed I don't know what I should expect next. I wanted life to surprise me, I hoped it would be pleasant surprises now and then. But I guess my life loves the excitement and only surprises me for the worst. If only things weren't this crazy, I guess I would have been the sanest person around.

And the worst part, the people who spread these rubbish rumors are those for whom I truly cared. And I don't want to question anyone. What should I ask them? They own me nothing, no explanation no friendship. But yes they do own themselves entertainment, be it on the expense of others. It feels like I am a part of others amusement and entertainment and they think not that I too may have feelings, that I too am capable of getting hurt. But then this is what I deserve. I have caused troubles for a number of people, so this perhaps is my turn to face the consequences of it.

Expecting love and friendship from others is something I should have done away with a long time ago. But this stupid heart still hopes, still beats, still feels. Oh! but how I want this heart just to stop. I would rather be dead than to face such wrong notions about people. I am done trying to be strong, trying to face these rubbish accusations, trying to pretend that everything is fine. I want all this to end. Please Bhagwanji, if only you are listening, and I know you are, make it the end of all wrong notions, not just of others but of me too. Please end all of this, end me... Let peace be with all with this end.

Just tired of all the wrong notions. 

The one who reigns...

The confusion reigns

The thoughts remain

The sorrows and that pain

The worries and this strain

The lost trust

The lies which rust

The love which dies

The troubles in vain

Oh! and this confusion reigns

Those smiles which hide

A million sorrows inside

Those tears which fail

To shed beside

The hands which move

Looking out for you

The eyes which see

An empty space beneath

Oh! and this confusion reigns

The miss and touch

That nod and hush

Those whispers and winks

And then brightness sinks

The darkness around

The fear of the sound

The last good bye

And I still manage to smile

Oh! and this confusion reigns.

Should I miss you or not?

Should I laugh out loud?

Should I scream and shout?

Or should I just howl?

I miss you

I always do

Hope you are safe

Heaven is for you

Oh! the love begins…

And it is to reign…

Dedicated to my Chaiji and Daddyji...!!!

<3 p="">

Complicated confusions...

Well after a lot of thinking I came up with this title for my blog. What to do, haven't written for quite sometime and now things are royally complicated as well as confusing. So what better than Complicated Confusions. It only goes on to show how royally screwed I am and my life can be.

To begin with these morning shifts I am doing. It actually feels like I am in a Government Job or something but I am slogging my ass like a crazy corporate fanatic. I can't go for movies, weekends the prices are horrible. I can't go out before or after shift. Even parents are facing problems. I don't know how people prefer morning shifts. I am so very much missing my night shifts and most importantly my night shift allowance. Moreover these shitty morning shifts are so damn expensive. I end up spending more than I have ever done in my entire career. But I can see my crush because of these morning shifts. Damn Man... you are a great inspiration for me to work. Thank you man for being there, even though I do not exist for you, you are very much a part of my smiles in office.

And because of this stupid shift, I cannot meet most of my friends who are either in night shifts or are as busy as I am. The only thing good about this is the week offs, I get to spend with my family. And imagine me cooking for everyone. Isn't that the biggest achievement of all. But it again adds to my complication, now I have the added responsibility of ensuring no one sleeps with an empty stomach. So I have to prepare food and serve it at the right time for everyone. Wow increases my responsibility and hence more confusions.

Then since I am kind of away from my friends I have to make new ones and that is where the whole plot of complicated confusion thickens. This whole pretending to be friends and bitching behind my back really gets onto my nerves. But the fact is when people speak bad things about you behind your back,it doesn't reflect your character as much as it speaks about their true nature. But who am I to judge? I myself am no angel with wings. But atleast I don't pretend to like someone just for the sake of it. And I would really appreciate if people do the same. As if that is ever going to happen.

I miss my friends a hell lot. Guys, I just wish this shift ends soon. I am done trying to sit quietly and do my work.

The worst part, yesterday I realized that I still haven't expressed myself completely on losing Chaiji. Oh! How much I miss you each day. I remember you always being there when I am in pain, trying to calm me and making me fall asleep. I remember how you would always encourage me to be myself and not to change for others. For the first time yesterday I cried for you Chaiji. I still have so much to say to you but I can't. I just hope Daddyji is not angry on me. Let him know that I miss him too. You both have been the best part of my life and I wish and pray that I get you both as my parents in my next life, only if I am not born as an animal slaughtered in the meat shop.

I want to start dating again. But I seriously cannot trust anyone anymore. I have lost that essential quality of trusting others. And Justin says that is for my very own good. According to him the more easily I trust people the more people will take me for granted. Well he definitely has a point. Non- arguable. Because of my past horrendous experiences I fail to debate with him. But it really is becoming a challenge for me now to trust anyone at all. Maybe for my very own good.

I am still confused and it is getting complicated by the day. Please let the day come soon. I so don't want to breathe anymore. I so want to end it all here. I so want to give up. I am done being the strong one. I want to be the weakest of all, the sickest of all, dead of all.......

Change....

Change is the only thing constant. Well a true saying indeed and who so ever has failed to realize the importance of this very statement is the biggest fool alive. Change is something which happens every second of life and it is inevitable. We cannot predict it but we know it is there, waiting for us to relax and then bring about the change.

I too have changed a hell lot over the past few months. I have stopped trusting people for once. Thank God for that because I am done with people hurting me every now and then and taking me for granted. Frankly speaking everyone is selfish and it is not wrong to think of yourself before you can think of others. Nonetheless this change is for my very own good. Another drastic change has come in the fact that I am cooking these days. And not just chapatis or paranthas, but proper edible food.

I have prepared dal, a simple yet tasty dish. At least I found it to be tasty. Then ALOO BHAJA, my very own favorite, was a little spicy for my taste yet it was tasty for someone who has not cooked in her entire life. Bhindi, not a personal favorite, yet I tried making it and believe me it actually worked. I am so taken aback by my own abilities to cook. That I know I can do it too now. Though I do not want to cook on a regular basis because the very nature of cooking abhors me. And see how the tables have turn that now I myself have to indulge in this very act of cooking. Also I made Kaale Channe, the typical Punjabi style. I was impressed by the very outcome of the dish. It was not just true to its Punjabi nature but was spicy and damn tasty. A little too spicy for my personal taste, but luckily my Dad could afford to have it. I can't wait to flaunt my cooking skills in front of Mom too. Let her come back and she will get the most pleasant surprise of her life. Had Chaiji been here, she would have been so very proud of me. I wish I could have made something for you as well. Nonetheless I know you are watching over me and you will ensure that I do not serve raw and uncooked meal in front of your son.

Now I know how difficult it is being a working woman, looking after both house and work. Let us see what life has in store for me. Till then I shall continue with my experiments in cooking and hopefully no one will fall sick after tasting it.

Life and its death...

For the past few weeks all I could think of was Death. Well I failed to voice my thoughts to anyone but today somehow I decided that I would update my blog with this very idea of Death. And look what Life had in surprise for me. Just when I was about to sit and start updating my blog, we receive the news that my uncle (Chote Mamaji) has passed away. Even though I may not have been close to him but it surely came as a shock. My mom's brother is no more and I just knew how mom would be feeling at this point of time. Well Life makes us struggle so much and see where we all end. I wish and pray that Mamaji wherever you are please be happy and do not take unnecessary tensions. Your kids have all grown up and are well settled in life. Leave with a happy heart and do not be sad. I know you will be duly missed, your numerous talks, your quirky jokes, those uncountable moments spent with you will always be cherish and remembered. Just ensure that you are safe and happy.

I do not have many memories with my Mamaji because whenever we used to be in Delhi, he would be out touring for his work. But occasionally I do remember getting the scolding from him when we kids would run around the house and create chaos every now and then. And he was the only son who took care of my Granny, Mataji. But Mamaji no matter how absent you may have been for us, for the family you were always there, standing through thick and thin. You kept the family together and I respect you for that. Please have a safe journey and give my regards to everyone you meet.

Lately I was thinking how easy life would be for many if I was dead. Be it family or friends, I have been an unnecessary cause of trouble for many and it would be for the best I believe. It is weird to see how friends change just because you perform well and you are appreciated for it. Since those stupid old school days I have seen this very weird trait in human beings and yet I have ignored them time and again. It actually hurts to see that your friends are jealous of you. I remember when I got through SXC, how badly I prayed to Bhagwanji so that one of my friends too could join me. Then it was CU, and I cried when I saw that none of my friends were selected. And the funny bit about it is that I am tagged as selfish. When people have only been using me for credit, merits or money, I believe that there exists something greater called friendship. Well it is all a sham and I am done trying to be friends with such people. I am done being judged every now and then, being questioned about unnecessary events, being hated by all. I just want to be myself, away from everyone, just I me and myself. I just want to die. And I seriously donot care about my ending, all I care about is how fast I can reach there.

Well I will be digressing a hell lot in this blog of mine. Yesterday night I dreamt of my crush Chashmish (from office) and we were married and a lot of things which I don’t remember. But strangely enough I remember him hugging me tightly, remember the hug I so passionately talk about. I remember him smiling at me and taking care of me. I remember his specs and those beautiful eyes staring down at me. It all felt so real, his voice, his touch, he himself. And I wonder if he even knows that I exist. Chashmish, you have been a muse for me for quite sometime now and now I dare to write about you as well. You have inspired hope in me in so many ways you are not even aware about. But hopefully someday when you look at me, you will see that you are admired.

Another revelation I heard was that after my break-up people consider me to be bi-sexual. OMG!!! That is such a stupid and rubbish rumor. I know I am straight and no matter how much I may joke around with my girl-friends, they will always be friends and nothing more than that. As for guys, well I do love athletic tall smart and caring guys. Anyone out there reading this post and interested, please do let me know. Till then Taylor Lautner you shall always be in my heart my love.