Some more thoughts

I don’t exactly know how well to face all this? I just can’t seem to face the reality and accept the fucking facts which life offers every time like a slap on my face. Wish life wouldn’t have allowed me to perceive so much. Strange but so true and I can’t seem to face all of it right now and I haven’t felt like this ever and now more than ever seem the right time to enjoy the coldness which life’s enemy has to offer. And what’s worse, life was so easy before and now everything seems to conspire against me and I still have the guts to face life though inwardly I know I will give up pretty soon. Shit.
Today Nature Boy was present and so got to see him but now he isn’t that attractive anymore. And Shilly-Shally looks better than what I had supposed him to be. Today he did turn back but because of my stupid cold I couldn’t talk with him and all through the day I didn’t get to see him at all. Though Nature Boy did make up for all of it. ;-) And then there was a D n J dude whose eyes were not at all visible and we had a good laugh at him and suddenly I was reminded that maybe others laugh at us too. But then moving on…
Had a bad sneezing spell and today the witch was talking to me, which I didn’t enjoy at all. The classes got on to my nerves today and I felt actually like “jumping out of the window.” But the best part was the morning when Rats and Meow were together and others were staring at them when both of them were having a good time together. ;-)
Some thoughts do obviously scare me a lot and I try to avoid them but can never do so. You say you love me but how do I know that love for you is no game when you are so very good at lying and playing games with hearts and I have seen that a hell lot of times? Why should I trust you when you say you will make me a princess when I know that the others won’t allow you to and you would abide by what they have to say and not me? So what should I do and where do I go?
The papers say blogging is a good stress-buster but hell it reminds me of all the things I would not have thought of. I can’t type any more of it and end with a small poem which I was looking for Hugh Jackman, but since I don’t exactly know the guy in person nor does he knows about me so the lines go out for all those people out there for whom I can die and live my life a thousand times.
“If I go away
What would still remain of me?
The ghost within your eyes?
The whisper in your sighs?
You see...Believe
And I'm always there.”
~ by Jon Oliva ~

A DAY

So after all the stupid things a day comes when you think everything will go well. But how is that supposed to happen when you couldn’t sleep through the night and those nightmares kept you awake. And those pains I took to just look my usual self did pay off well. Anyways, as usual I was in two-minds but decided to get my lazy bum up and join in and it was a great day for me. Princess and prince did surround me but I tried not to think much about any of it so I was my usual self, hopefully. Anyways, it was a great day and the break was welcome though now I fear that I missed out on a lot of things.
Went to meet my old school buddy and had a great time with her as well. Then an accidental meeting with someone changed my mood from good to better. Not much to say so let all this be like a sweet memory forever in the heart of hearts.

Just a Thought

So as always I am back to being my stupid self and that is something I hate the most about me. Can’t for once things be as I want them to be? Can’t I ever be selfish and shout at others when I don’t get my way? Why the hell do I have to think so much before I do anything, anything as in I think a lot even before I buy a toothpick or I say something to someone? Had I been an animal, like a cat or a dog I could have been dead by now, some truck would have smashed me and the municipality would have dumped me in the garbage. I guess that would have been far better than what I am going through right now. And the biggest problem of all, I can’t say anything to anyone and still I am writing all of this in the blog?
Whatever. Let’s talk about something better. Better as in what, I don’t even know that. I don’t know what else to actually talk about. Though the song I am listening to right now-"Join me in Death" by H.I.M is pretty good and I am going mad. But even madness is so powerful and gives one so much of energy to do things which otherwise I wouldn’t have dared to do. Akon’s song, "The Sweetest Girl", is also nice though have not heard much of the lyrics but is nice. But Sean Kingston’s “I will take you there” is a perfect song man. Great lyrics and makes me wish that I was there with Sean and the song is like a sweet escape except that as soon as it ends one is hurled back to reality. Songs can very well cheer me up and music is something I really appreciate a lot and the people who give up their life just to leave us all with sweet sounds is just to wonderful and believe me those were some lives worth living for. I myself am a super bad singer nor am I a musician but I guess that I can understand music well and that is what helps me in appreciating the efforts of all.
What the hell did I just type out? I have no idea. Whatever it was, all is said and done and let it be as I delight in wasting other people’s time and people actually have time in reading my crap. People seem to be so nice to me to go through the pain of reading actually nothing. What a great writer, opps… Typist I am.
So once again I am back to my nonsense. Haven’t seen the Nature Boy and that idiot left early and tomorrow is my holiday so would hopefully get to see him on Monday though it hardly matters that much cause after all it is nothing and sooner or later things would change. Ohho the pessimist in me takes a leap again. But who exactly cares? So it is proven I have multiple personalities. Who doesn’t? But I am not at all concerned about anyone except ME. My gosh! I have so many chain of thoughts going on in my mind. As I type all of it out I am thinking whether I should have my dinner or should I skip it a usual? Should I start reading "Lord Jim" or keep it for tomorrow? Then I am chatting with three of my friends and one among them has already gone for dinner, another one is busy talking to his girl friend and the third one thankfully replying to my queries but at the same time obstructing my chain of wonderful thoughts as I try to recollect and type them out. But then everything is fair.
And by the way the witch seems to have cast a spell on all and even the Master of the House seems to have allowed her to pass through the doors of happiness, beauty and absolute bliss which the little girl seems to have banged for ages now. But she isn’t ready to give up as she believes that some fine day luck will be on her side and she will get what she has long deserved from life. But somehow all the effort seems futile since the girl is tired and worn out and needs someone to encourage her. She hopes that for once when she turns around she will be escorted to a new world where there will be happiness which lasts forever and ever. Though she realizes the fact life isn’t all about happiness, it needs barriers too to help us move forward.


Strange thoughts came up and the longest crap I have ever written. Don’t blame me for anything at all…it is just my thoughts.

Life: full of twists and turns...

So again a big bigger biggest embarrassing situation I created for my own self. But its fun you know, and moreover college life is all about passes, misses and chances and one should not miss out on any of it.
Anyways I, along with my friends was meeting the juniors for some work when a very good friend and buddy of mine message me. Being inside the class where one isn’t supposed to be using a cell I tried reading the message in a hurry and guess what happened? What else, apna pappu bana liya maine! :-)
What I got of the message in a hurry was that some tall looking guy is standing in the corridor and I must check the guy out. So I run out of the class to look for the supposed tall guy in the corridor. And interestingly enough I was so excited without any apparent reason that I run about and jump around in the first floor. Maybe because there aren’t enough tall guys in our college and height is a very important criterion for me [should not get into this discussion at all], so I was really really excited to somehow see the guy. Unfortunately the corridor was empty and there wasn’t a single soul lingering about in there. So I furiously turn around, abusing my friend definitely, and I see Nature Boy standing right in front of her class and staring at me. Obviously the way I acted anyone would have stared back at me like that. Little embarrassed me ran to my friend’s class to know what exactly she meant by that stupid sms and then she shouts out, pretty loud in class, that your Nature Boy is standing outside. And to add to my embarrassment my junis too were staring at me maybe thinking this girl is mad. ;-) As for my friends, they were wondering where she vanished in the thin air. I was definitely embarrassed cause that stupid Nature Boy would think all blah blah blah about me when there isn’t anything at all except that he has a great height and man, he is mighty tall. For the other stupid friends of mine they think I have surely fallen for the guy when I haven’t and had it not been for the message I wouldn’t have ran about in the corridors like that. Whatever it was fun and on the advice of my dearest friend I am posting this out though there isn’t much to be said and done about it. But as she rightly said that I will have something more to think about the Nature Boy except his height. ;-)

And what a stupid and sadly depressing day it was for me. Shit yaar. Never ever have I struggled so much with my feelings and now seems more than a right time to give everything up and go to Himalayas and maybe become some kind of a hermit. Maybe only that can bring salvation for me because nothing else seems to work in my favor. And I am mighty strong so till the tide is over I have to hang on to this thin rope of hope that someday somehow everything will be the way I want it to be. Thanks to Mom and Dad for being so supportive when I knew they deserve a hell lot out of me and I just can’t seem to do anything right. Thanks to everyone for I don’t feel miserable now, even though it sucks. Anyways…whether I give a damn or not is none of others concern. :-)

jaane tu ya jaane naa.....

Yet not realize me...

Why the hell do I end up like this? Why can’t I just accept the damn fact and move on? Why the hell am I like this?

Whatever, No matter if I am a doll or sweetie or dum dum or cuchie poo or bubalaboo or princess I am still the old crazy freak whatever. At times I end up with such strange thoughts and that too because of a bunch of self-obsessed hypocritical, stupid narcissists? But still, if there is a thought in my mind I must express it.
So as I saying I end up with such weirdest thoughts that people can very well call me a jerk but who cares? Not me. Why can’t for once people ask are you doing fine? Why can’t they look up to you and just smile? Why cant life be so sweet and yet so beautiful? Am I supposed to play the role of the agony aunt always? Why cant for once people [as in my friends definitely] ask me about myself and my life? But let them think whatever they want to. I am happy as always to be something I never was before. I can never really be like them I guess and in the process stand as rejected and lonely and maybe overlooked and as most of the times taken for granted. But stupid me would never ever learn from my mistakes and repeat them time and again. Strange that such a sensible girl like me ends up being so very full of nonsense that anyone can say anything on her face and all she can do is accept it as reality. Bloody shit. I so badly wish to… can never ever express myself. So why bother. Even the attempt is so useless and worthless. But what the hell finally I am writing all the crap that was stored up in my mind.
At times your friends don’t mean to hurt you but they end up saying things which prick you so badly that you can do nothing about it nor can you tell the person about it. Even when one starts to think too much about others, complications in life begin to creep in and start to kill you from the inside even though you look so damn strong and smart. So many things happen simultaneously inside your stupid head that you can’t really decide what to do and what not to do? You can’t deny the importance and presence of your friends and then you can’t hurt yourself as well. Strange situation but so very complicated at the same time. You think they know you the best and won’t pass their judgments onto you but they do it cause its human nature to do so. And maybe even some time you too had tried to do the same with them. But who knows who’s wrong or right since everyone has feelings and everyone has to live their lives.
What the hell? What did I just type out? I am absolutely clueless. But its fun to write crap and enjoy it at the same time.

So here I stand to entertain you all
And you witness my rise and fall
I smile and I laugh out loud
And you call for me in the crowd
Just to stand by you to tell you
That you are the best thing of all.

The lights that shine bright above me
The eyes which always stay behind me
The cheer and smiles which I cause
The people who never choose to doze off
All and everything seem to embrace
My life and yet not realize me.