Deserve or not!!!

Life is a paradoxical game which is at play every second. There are times when I feel like I am on the top of the world and the very next moment I wonder why the hell I am even here. This is what life makes me feel everyday.

Seriously when I sit alone these days I think about a hell lot of things, mind you none of them are illogical yet they seem to eat me and my thoughts away. Most of my day is gone thinking about these things, which are in no way silly or absurd. It’s just a logical way of thinking and worrying about certain things, and these days I tend to worry about the things more than I should.

All others can see is I am smiling and that I am brave and strong, and that I can manage everything. But only to keep up to others expectations and not only this, to keep others happy and also not to cause trouble to others, it seems I die a little every day. And this everyday funeral is witnessed by all with celebrations and music and dance and food and it’s a party everyday. And yet yes I do manage to smile somehow. But who has the courage to witness the tears of the mightiest, the strongest? No one!!! I know I don’t have the luxury and liberty to do certain things. I know I am not free to laugh and cry and to voice my insecurities in front of others. I know I will have to act as the pillar of support for everyone, when the pillar itself is rotting from the inside and doesn’t knows how long it can hold all this weight and pressure.

Family, love and friends are all there around me. But I have realized that when the time will come, it is only me who will sleep in the deep slumber of death and there shall be no one beside me. Emotions and feelings are the strength of the mortals. But when the end comes, none of it will matter. The strongest and the mightiest is always the loneliest and this I know very well. No matter how many people are around, how many claim to possess the absolute knowledge regarding the person, it is only at the very end that one realizes how lonely life has been. And this is what I am experiencing now. They all think I am selfish, and that I am inconsiderate. But how can I tell them and show them that I am just different. If I don’t speak doesn’t means I don’t have anything to say, I am just looking for someone who is willing to listen to me and be by my side. I know it isn’t too much to ask for, but then as I strongly believe in the saying- “we get what we deserve”, I know this is my rightful place and this is where everything shall end forever.

No matter how loneliest I have been and am and will always be, it even doesn’t matters how many friends I have in my facebook account, at the end of the day what matters is that I will be gone too soon and too few memories will be left behind me to even think about me. I don’t want to make memories; I don’t want to be loved or even to be hated. All I want is a neutral life where I hurt no one, I influence no one’s life and that one when I am gone there shall be no one to even think about me.

Be brave, head held above high, chin straight, be bold, tall and smart, all qualities of the strongest but what about the weak and lonely heart. Are there no instructions for it not to feel any emotions, not to feel hurt when someone leaves? Where shall this stupid heart stand? Where shall I stand now? My ground is shaky and even my shaking legs can’t help me stand anymore. I want to rest not for a while but for a lifetime. I wish that was possible. But there are a lot of things left to be done, a lot of roads left for me to walk all alone on, a lot of darkness still left to cover me up, a lot of oxygen still to be wasted on this mortal. Till then I wait, and yes I will smile, no matter what, I will not let them know what I am and where I have been.

The loneliest of all and yet the strongest of the lot.

I hate to maintain this smile and believe

Someday everything will be alright because

I know what I truly deserve or what I not...

AnD thEy cALL iT FuN...

SoMeoNe
AnyONe.

SoMeWhERE
AnyWhEre.

SoMEThinG
ANyTHiNg.


SoMedAy
ANydAy.


SoMeWAy
ANyWaY.


NoWAy.


NoNe oF ThE dAys.

NoThiNg.

NoWhERE.

NoOnE!!!

And I just can't get enough...

Why is there a compulsion of thinking about him 24*7? Why can’t I really think about my own self and not think about him? Why has he become so special for me? What has he done so differently that it’s hard to get him out of my mind?

So very many questions in my mind and yet I can never seem to find a proper answer as to why I love him so much? There are so many things about him which irritate me and have even hurt me, let me down, yet I know he is the only one for me. I know no one can love me the way he loves and I also know I am the only one in his life. Yet there are things which never seem to make any sense. There are times which leave me so shaken and lonely that I fail to understand what exactly should I feel or do.

They say it is the heart of the strongest ones which are amongst the loneliest places on earth. And I have come to believe this because I have experienced it myself. And there is no denying the fact that no matter how many people I have around me, who love me and care for me, I feel the loneliest even with them. It is strange how it had never mattered to me when I had no one beside me and I was all alone, had no one to share my thoughts with. And now when I do, I hate the very fact that I have so much to share and there isn’t time at all. When I want to speak somehow there is so much noise all around that my voice hardly gets across. This doesn’t just happen with him, it happens with everyone around me. I know half of the things I am typing here will make no sense yet I also know that no matter what these are the feelings I will have to live with and face everyday of my life.

I fear perhaps I will never get my chance to leave this city. I fear I will be struck here and that I am indeed. So many dreams to fulfill and so little time. Don’t really know if I will ever be able to do those things which I have thought of. But nonetheless I will have to try and try my best to make sure I don’t lag behind the others. I want to earn so much money that my parents never ever have to think about spending it on the silliest thing possible. I just wish this would happen with me as soon as possible, because I don’t really have time. I will have to do things. And if nothing else works out, I will have to do the thing I think I lack the courage to do so. But I guess I have no other option.

How much I have deviated in this post, only I know. I don’t have the strength or the courage for anything else. But somehow life is going on, I am still alive and still awake and I still don’t know what I should be doing. All I can hope for is to do the best of what I can and to wait for my future to happen to me. Till then God bless all my dear ones and Love you my dear <3. Thank You For everything, your love, care, generosity and hospitality. :P :D

Thank You!!!

Changed a lot...

I remember the happy face, the smile which I didn’t realize back then was so big and wide. I remember leaving the porch of my house and running on the roads with my friends, I remember trying to arrange catwalks and to play all kinds of stupid games possible. I remember the birthday parties in my lawn, and even those birthdays when dad and mom couldn’t afford to arrange a grand party for me.

These memories are so very special that I know not how well to write about them and share it with others. I don’t think anyone deserves knowing about the real TRipti who used to laugh and enjoy her life, was not bothered about what others thought of her. She knew her family and friends would always be beside her. A happy girl. But sadly everyone else grew around her and she didn’t. She still wants to play and to run around, not thinking about what the others would say. All she wants is to be her. All she wants is life which she can enjoy without having to worry about things, without having to act mature every time.

Oh how I wish those days were back. As it known to many, I am the youngest member of our family. And hell yes, I was pampered a lot, especially by my dad and my grandfather. I miss those scooter rides with dad; I used to join him for almost all the rides possible, always tagging along with him, talking to him nonstop about a hundred stupid things. It was fun and perhaps the best time I spent with my dad. Most of the times we used to talk while riding on the scooter and guess what, we still do it. And Daddyji, my grandfather, he was an angel in disguise. I am a real unlucky person to have missed being more with him. But I remember the cream biscuits he would get me every time he would come to visit us. I would run around, jump and talk silly things. And yes I was a little scared of him as well.

Over the years a lot of things have changed. For starters, Daddyji left us. And for the first time I saw my dad cry. And also my elder sister and brother both are married now. Aishu has come into our lives and I am sure Daddyji would be upset not to have been able to see Aishu and met Jijz. How I wish Daddyji could have met him as well. Nonetheless things have changed.

I have grown up now. Well everyone else has and even I have. But now things aren’t the same. How can they ever be the same? Yet I thought I would be given my fair share of things. But now that I have grown up, everyone else has grown old. And being the mature and stronger one I have to give up. Well for once I hate being mature and strong. I too wish I was the carefree one, who could enjoy life and get her own sweet time to reach to things. I know it isn’t right to ask for things which I definitely don’t deserve but it seems like I am struck here forever and I can see no escape. My breathe chokes every time I think about it. Even if I don’t I know how I have still managed to breathe in this thick air. When will my sweet time come when I can leave in peace? When shall I see darkness and nothing further? When shall my weird dreams become a reality for me? And here I wait as always. I have changed a lot. A lot…

Quote of the Day - E. M. Forster - "Unless we remember we cannot understand."

Poison...

It isn’t like I hate them or something. It just feels that it is a little unfair at times. But then no one ever told me that life was fair and that I would have a blast every time I make a move. Anyways I had this dream in the morning. Its weird how I still remember the details of it, but I do.

Here it goes…

I am coughing pretty badly. As always my throat is choked and I want to puke out the cough which is wriggling inside of me. I know it isn’t a pretty picture to begin with. But then I remember what exactly I saw and how I felt about it. It was as if everything was real. Nonetheless here I was trying to get the dirty cough out of me, when my brother walks in the bathroom. To my utter surprise I don’t see my own house, I see myself standing in my brother’s house, in his bathroom, with the new blue tiles and marbles all around me. I remember how much that bathroom would give me creeps. But after the renovation done, it looks amazing. I believe if one can’t keep the place of shit clean, they would never know how to clean the mess of their lives. Enough of the philosophy, back to where I was.

So I was coughing and trying to puke, when my brother enters the bathroom, obviously the door was open. As soon as my brother walked in the bathroom, I started puking. First there was the cough, I shouldn’t go to the graphical details of it, but soon it was all red. I was puking blood. And the amount of blood which came out of me wasn’t anything normal. I was coughing badly and puking blood like it was water. So obviously my brother and I were worried about this. But surprisingly we both kept calm and were thinking how to say about this to my parents. It was impossible to talk about this with my mother. So my brother broke the great news to my father. My dad also kept his calm and now all three of us were worried because there wasn’t any doctor and my coughing wasn’t ready to stop. So whenever I would cough severely there was blood which would come out.

I took a medium sized towel handkerchief, so as to leave no stains behind of blood. Anyways the main concern was to keep this all away from my mother. Then suddenly a doctor appeared in the house. Dad gave a very silly reason so that he and mom could go out of the house. While brother and I stayed back as the doctor attended to me. Looking at my condition he said I have lung cancer. As soon as he said so, I started choking and more blood came out of my mouth.

I don’t remember the exact end, but I messaged him, saying I love him and will miss him badly. There was no one else in the room, only me and me. I send out a few more messages and then I could feel a mild pain in my throat as I closed my eyes.

Don’t know what this means. Don’t know whether I was falling asleep or something else. All I know is the feeling of puking blood still lingers in my mouth. Its like I can taste blood still. A weird dream but I guess it has some meaning inside of it. Lately I am having lots of weird dreams. With so many things going on in my mind, don’t really know what exactly I should do...

No matter what I am smiling still. That is one thing which life has taught me never to give up on. Hoping for the best, expecting the worst… ;)

KuCh iSs KaDAr

UnKo WoH EhsAAs naA DiLa SaKe

uNKo LaFzoN ME BHi KcH btA NaA SAKE

HaAL-e-DiL BaYAN Kr DiA uNn nAzARON Se

PaR uNhE ToH HuM naZaREiN Bhi nAA DiKhA sAKe

KehTe ToH hAi K raAh EK oR MaNZiL Ek HuMaRi

KucH PaALoN kA hAI fAsLa Or JeET HuMARi

FiR KYun aAJ WoH ChaL DiYe AkELi RAhOn pe

JaB KaDam SaAth ChaLnE k Thi BAaRi

KehTe ToH KyA kEhTe Aaj unSe HuM

KhaFa HoNe kA BhI MauKa NAa DiyA JisNe

Hum ToH kEh BhI nAA sAKE bEWaFA UnhE

Jo HuMaRi TanHaIYon k Ho LiyE