Deserve or not!!!

Life is a paradoxical game which is at play every second. There are times when I feel like I am on the top of the world and the very next moment I wonder why the hell I am even here. This is what life makes me feel everyday.

Seriously when I sit alone these days I think about a hell lot of things, mind you none of them are illogical yet they seem to eat me and my thoughts away. Most of my day is gone thinking about these things, which are in no way silly or absurd. It’s just a logical way of thinking and worrying about certain things, and these days I tend to worry about the things more than I should.

All others can see is I am smiling and that I am brave and strong, and that I can manage everything. But only to keep up to others expectations and not only this, to keep others happy and also not to cause trouble to others, it seems I die a little every day. And this everyday funeral is witnessed by all with celebrations and music and dance and food and it’s a party everyday. And yet yes I do manage to smile somehow. But who has the courage to witness the tears of the mightiest, the strongest? No one!!! I know I don’t have the luxury and liberty to do certain things. I know I am not free to laugh and cry and to voice my insecurities in front of others. I know I will have to act as the pillar of support for everyone, when the pillar itself is rotting from the inside and doesn’t knows how long it can hold all this weight and pressure.

Family, love and friends are all there around me. But I have realized that when the time will come, it is only me who will sleep in the deep slumber of death and there shall be no one beside me. Emotions and feelings are the strength of the mortals. But when the end comes, none of it will matter. The strongest and the mightiest is always the loneliest and this I know very well. No matter how many people are around, how many claim to possess the absolute knowledge regarding the person, it is only at the very end that one realizes how lonely life has been. And this is what I am experiencing now. They all think I am selfish, and that I am inconsiderate. But how can I tell them and show them that I am just different. If I don’t speak doesn’t means I don’t have anything to say, I am just looking for someone who is willing to listen to me and be by my side. I know it isn’t too much to ask for, but then as I strongly believe in the saying- “we get what we deserve”, I know this is my rightful place and this is where everything shall end forever.

No matter how loneliest I have been and am and will always be, it even doesn’t matters how many friends I have in my facebook account, at the end of the day what matters is that I will be gone too soon and too few memories will be left behind me to even think about me. I don’t want to make memories; I don’t want to be loved or even to be hated. All I want is a neutral life where I hurt no one, I influence no one’s life and that one when I am gone there shall be no one to even think about me.

Be brave, head held above high, chin straight, be bold, tall and smart, all qualities of the strongest but what about the weak and lonely heart. Are there no instructions for it not to feel any emotions, not to feel hurt when someone leaves? Where shall this stupid heart stand? Where shall I stand now? My ground is shaky and even my shaking legs can’t help me stand anymore. I want to rest not for a while but for a lifetime. I wish that was possible. But there are a lot of things left to be done, a lot of roads left for me to walk all alone on, a lot of darkness still left to cover me up, a lot of oxygen still to be wasted on this mortal. Till then I wait, and yes I will smile, no matter what, I will not let them know what I am and where I have been.

The loneliest of all and yet the strongest of the lot.

I hate to maintain this smile and believe

Someday everything will be alright because

I know what I truly deserve or what I not...