Rejoice... it is the Selfish Me!!!

My habit of writing and reading is slowly going away. I don’t know why but it has. Hopefully one of these days I get back the energy to hit the novels and read them up. I was so much into them but don’t really know what happened to me.

Perhaps because I saw my friend hiding these super costly novels from me in her house so that I don’t borrow them from her. Well it definitely did hurt, but it hurt the most because I clearly remember her destroying the one novel I hold dear to my heart when I had lend it to her. Well the world is full of selfish people and I am no less.

How to define my selfishness?!?!

It is kind of difficult. But yes I am a human being and I am entitled to try and to things to the best of my capability.

This goes back to the days when I was in C.A.E.H.S and I was really getting horrible grades and was unable to keep up my grades, especially in maths  [K.S.Nag (author of the maths book) I still hate you]. So my parents got to know of this tutor who would come and teach me all the subjects. Not only this, the tutor was well known all over the colony. So my parents hire him to teach me and you know what I do? I go up to my friends and tell them I got hold of this very famous tutor and not only this I invite them to take tuitions from the same guy with me at my house. Well you will be thinking this isn’t a selfish act at all. But you will be surprised to know that one of my friends was already taking tuitions from this guy but never really bothered to tell us and when I shared the news, I got a scolding from this esteemed friend of mine for making it public.

It was after I gave my Class-VII exams, that my parents shifted me to this another school, N.P.S.S.B.S, a C.B.S.E board. By the way I forgot to mention, my previous school was of state board where English was not at all given any priority and also they were following the syllabus of my grand mom’s days. And now I was thrown to this entirely new and advanced set up, where we had facilities like the computers, library and many more. For the entire first week in the new school I had no friends. I don’t recall how exactly I passed my days there, but by the second week I did had friends and I am so grateful to each one of them. Well so in this new school, I always used to speak in English, even though my English was pathetic, but English has been my favorite subject since time immemorial. And the other students were not at all comfortable at it. So they usually avoided my company. Anyways by the end of the year we had to attend this NCC camp for which we were asked to sit for your exams before the others and then leave for the camp. I gave the exams and didn’t know what happened once I left school. When I returned I got to know that I did really well in English and that was the time when the other students opened up to me and started talking to me. It was like now I too am worthy of their company. Nonetheless there were a hell lot of things the school taught me, and I am really happy that my parents decided to change my school.

After my boards I wanted to go to ACS, ISC board. For which I sat for an entrance exam and gave an interview as well. To be honest I don’t remember how all of it went, but after a week when the results were announced I was taken in and this was the moment of joy for all. Mom and Dad had been trying their best to get me into this school for a long time now. But due to a thing or two I would never get the admission. But finally I did and it was great. Being a total girl’s school, I saw so many things and learnt so much about girls.

I was always among the top three in class and I seriously don’t know how I managed to do that. Then my name came in the merit list of SXC, and I was the only one to get through the college. And you know what I did; I came out of the college and on our way back home cried for my friends as I knew they had all applied and none got through. And in the evening I get call from these very friends of mine accusing me of the fact that I never said I was applying in the college or else they wouldn’t have wasted money of filling the form for the college.

After SXC, some of us had a real tough time getting into a college for our masters degree. CU reserved only 2 damn seats for students from SXC and then also deducted our total percentage at the very last moment. Because of this many couldn’t get through and the day I got to know of this, I was returning home with dad in the scooter and I cried. And seriously I did. I was so irritated at all of this and you know what one of my friends asked me, whether or not I bribed the people there.

This is the price I paid for my selfishness over the years. The times I have been mean and selfish I got a punch directly on my face, and no one had to do that. Life itself has punished me so very many ways. And still the punches hurt. But why do friends forget all the good things or life and remember the bitter things. Only perhaps it wasn’t expected out of those people you trust the most. And often you trust someone else so much that their fiction seems more real than reality and the truth becomes one of the many lies which you rather do away with than face.

Cheers to Selfishness and to selfish me!!!

Run-Away!!!

My friends always ask me why I seem to run away from them whenever I have problems or whenever something negative happens around me. Most of the times I seriously am out of words to tell them the reasons for doing so, and seriously I myself am so freaking confused all the time about sharing my personal stuff with them.

Well frankly speaking half the friends are not at all bothered at all, and the few of those who are little bit bothered, have no time or interest as such. I mean it gets so difficult to choose one thing over the other. It’s like to choose between getting ignored or going away from those who ignore you? It is a difficult choice I must say, but one has to choose.

To look at the bigger picture, somehow or the other the equation between me and my friends has never really worked out. Well for one among the many reasons, we are two completely different individuals with different approaches towards life. Over time I have come across so many people with different needs and wants and each special and unique, at times irritating and stupid in their very own ways. But I have loved and still love each one of them. It is just the simple fact that at times I like to be left alone, before I can figure out something about my life. Frankly I had such great dreams and elaborate plans about myself that it hurts to see them crumble. Moreover everyone has seen me strong and believe me when I say this. I have always been like this superwoman for whom everything has been possible, who is tough and strong and solid. Well to be frank at times I do feel like a rock, been thrown over from this side of the lane to the other now and then. Anyways the basic thing is unless and until I prove myself to myself; I rather keep things to myself.

Well also to add to my situation there are a host of things going so very against me. It’s like my mind is divided in so many bits and pieces that I have these stupid fits of losing my conscious and being what can only be described as mad. Some of my friends think it is one of those very phases where lovers have a fight, but how should I tell them that there are so very many things my boyfriend himself is unaware of. Luckily I have someone in my life who is so supportive and I burst out to him now and then. But that is so very unfair on my part. So I am trying my best to refrain myself from saying anything which might hurt anyone.

There have been times when I have been let down by my friends and especially those days when I needed someone the most. Somehow the feeling of being left out and loneliness has left a bitter taste on my tongue. And lately has turned so sour that I just don’t want to go on with it anymore. I so wish for my childhood days to return but I don’t have a lamp to rub on it and order a genie to make things better. Rather as my destiny states, I will work hard, toil day and night to set things right, right for all my loved ones. Oh! How I wish some things would work out like in a snap of a finger. But then they will never and I know it very well.

Even thought my elaborate plans are going to the ditches very effectively, I still try and hold my ground, with frankly speaking only my God and no one else. It is difficult to see my loved ones suffer each day and I feel so helpless most of the times.

Friends, family members and my dear ones, if ever you get to read this, remember no matter what each one of you make me what I am today. I love you all no matter what. Just want to apologize for all the days I couldn’t make the sun shine on you and made you sad. If I could have my way I would take back all those days. But I am only a mortal and be rest assured I won‘t live long.

Thanks for everything you guys have done for me. I can never in a million years repay it back to any one of you. Thank You!!!

I believe its over... I hope not!!!

I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I don’t know why and how I was just missing you so much yesterday. I know Ron will completely understand me but then for a change I wanted a friend to be by my side and unfortunately for me, you were that friend for a long time and now there is no one else like you. You might just take it as a compliment, only if you ever get to read it or you might not even bother, but this is fine.

Just wanted to know how you are doing and what is going on these days and just wanted to listen to you, talk to you a bit, but we both now that now it is not possible. Anyways it was stupid on my part to dial your number like that and it was all the scarier when I heard it ringing. I am sorry to have bothered you, even though somehow I feel you are not bothered.

Just wanted to let you know that I miss you my dear friend, and I hope we never ever cross each others path and stay happy in our own lives. This will be the last of you ever again in my blog [at least I hope so].

Baby, love you soooooo much! Thanks for all your love and support, for understanding me and my stupid needs all the time. Sorry for never letting you go off to sleep on time and always calling you up, fighting over silliest of reasons possible on earth. Most of all thank you for being yourself with me and let me be myself with you.

God bless us all!!!

Khatam hai mera Desh!!!

KhaTaM Hai WOh SwAtanTrtA K BhaWAnA

Ab TOh JosH JaGa hAi HuMMnE

gAyE WOh PurANe RaJ pAath K BaATeIn

AB TOH BiGaDnA sEEKhA hAI HuMMnE

TODd k EK DuJe kA SIr

HuM EK NaYa JaHAn BaNaYenGe

BhuL K saaRi SAbhyAtAOn Ko

HuMm EK NaYa JaHAN SAJaYeNGE

haATh MiLakR chaLo TuM BHi Ab

BhRaSTh hAi HuM, TuM BHi BaNo bHrAStH

EK RaJ, EK Hi MuLK mE KaiSe rAhE ShaANti

Ab TOH MauKa MiLa hAi sAb Ko MiTayenGe!!!

If only...

It is really pathetic to see people go away so easily. I seriously can’t believe it is actually happening to people. First he and now she, two of my friends, we may not have been very good friends or that close to each other, but yes we were friends, committed suicide. It is really shocking and I don’t know why I am typing this down. Maybe since there is no one to talk to actually. And I can understand a bit of what they must have gone through.

The pressure of so many expectations, the pressure of your very own dreams, and the pressure of trying hard to achieve something, can drive the sanest of creatures insane. Can make people do things unthinkable of. Can make lives and can easily break them too. That is what has lead me thinking about things I never dared to even think about. It’s strange to see how strong my friends must have been to commit suicide, the purpose and the reason behind such an act must have been strong, very strong for the to take such a drastic step. And all I can do now is pray for them. But oh! How jealous I am of them now. Ufff!! And irritated too. I seriously have no words to describe the feeling I am having right now.

I wish I could talk to someone but then I can’t, even if I can, I know no one will be bothered to understand me. I know people can laugh at others easily and frankly speaking until now I have met only 5% of people who are genuine and who are true. And somehow I have left all of them behind me and somehow I don’t know whether I can talk to them or not. There was a very good friend of mine whose girlfriend thinks I will steal him away from her. But the fact was that he and I were best of friends and could have never been anything more than that. Well I don’t want to come between boyfriend and girlfriend. And you won’t believe my stupid luck; another of my good friend was lost the same way. When he had to make a choice, I never asked him to choose me over her, but when that coward asked me to make the choice for him since he was too confused; I lost the trust I had in him. Had he made his own choice, perhaps I would have respected him still. Even they he has broken up with her, but I shall never forget the moment he backed out on me and rather was trying to put the blame on me. Then again there are my very good friends who are with me only when they need me, only when their other friends don’t have time for them, is the time they are reminded of me. Even I have done things like this in the past, but as I look ahead now, I don’t see any friends whom I can openly share things with. There has been such a time lapse between our lives, that somehow the familiarity is dead and gone. And even when I speak my mind, I don’t know how but they think of it as bizarre and weird.

Yes, I have changed a lot. Times have changed me and I too have changed myself. But then remains the same quotient of loneliness. I had received a message from a friend, which fits my situation well. It goes something like this: “The worst disadvantage of being strong is that… Nobody cares even when you are hurt.”

You know, from my very early days, I have tried to prove that I am the strongest, the mature one. But lately it has become such an inevitable part of my system that I cannot even dare to share my problems and worries with others, because I am supposed to handle everything well and be strong and tough. How sick I am of these two words, strong and tough!!!

I feel like stitching my mouth up. It’s so difficult to have a proper conversation with anyone these days. And with the social networking sites, it’s more like you are typing rather than speaking. My vocal chords are hardly made proper use of. At times I feel I am going crazy and mad. But then it is a feeling which has been coming in my mind from the day I was born. So it doesn’t matters anymore. What matters is I am still alive and as Zindagi naa miLegi dobara… I am trying my best to make use of the life I have now.

:)

Hope, faith, trust, loyalty, love, friendship… I want to be over all these feelings. Somehow I want to feel like what Sylvia Plath had written in the poem “Tulips”

“I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted

To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.

How free it is, you have no idea how free -

The peacefulness is so big it dazes you,

And it asks nothing, a name tag, a few trinkets.

It is what the dead close on, finally; I imagine them

Shutting their mouths on it, like a Communion tablet.”

If only…

My Prince Charming

It was really fun to go through my personal diary which I used to maintain few years back. To read my thoughts, to read about the days which are gone yet have somehow managed to stay in my memory, has made me smile, laugh and even cry a bit. However these few lines caught my attention. Written in the eve of 11^th of April, 2009, I didn’t quite knew about the elaborate plans God had for me. And today looking back at the pages made me realize how well God has listened to each of my prayers and not just that He has send the answers as well. Love You Bhagwanji for everything You have done for me. It has been so great to realize that You are there with me no matter what happens. These lines here are a dedication to my love, Ron. I hope you enjoy the stupid lines I had written two years back.

I want someone who can look after me

Who will ask me to stay when it is time to leave.

I dream of a Prince Charming by my side

Who will see the sadness behind my smiles,

Who will patiently listen to me when I want to cry,

Who will be absolutely and purely divine.

Someone for whom my heart can shine.

Someone for whom I can create stupid rhymes.

Someone who doesn’t have to be a silly hero

Someone for whom my eyes can glow.

I want someone special in my life

Someone for whom I can also die.

Love you my dear. You are special indeed and I know that there can be no one like you ever in my life. I cherish each day, each moment spent with you. I cherish the smiles and the eyes which seem to make me blush every now and then. You are the one. I love you now and forever. :)