And I still can Dream!!!

Weird dreams have I encountered lately. Not just has the sleeping time increased for me but these weird dreams keep me wondering what is in store of me in the future. Well for a change future seems to me scary but in these dreams of mine it was kind of exciting and adventurous. So let me try and get into the tit bits about my dreams.

This dream I had earlier was about a cruise ride or something of that sort. I was with my family, and it felt as if I was back in Andaman and Nicobar Islands but then somehow it was much different this time. The ocean was huge and dangerous; the ship I was in was humongous, and it seemed to be dancing on the ocean bed where very interestingly there was tall column of pillars and it had these images sculpted on them and it felt as if the columns belonged to the Greek. I even heard the name of Zeus being uttered by someone and there was a male figure with flowing hair which occurred to me. I climbed down what seemed like a bridge but actually was the ship, leaving my family behind me and felt closer to the water and could feel it on my body as well. As soon as we got down from the ship I saw this huge gate close behind us and I was walking across a garden and met a family whom I had not met before and introduced them to my family and we kind of planned a day out together.

This dream was very weird and I just couldn’t get the head and tail of it. Yet I was there and sometimes I was scared, especially walking down the ship, and at times I was happy and excited and while sitting almost near the bottom of the ship I remember feeling sad. And the image of the male figure is still so clear to me that I cannot explain.

This second dream I had was all the more weird. I am supposedly in Delhi with 3 of my other friends. Only one friend can I recognize among the 3 and the rest 2 still remain a mystery to me. However I remember clearly that we were a group of 2 guys and 2 girls. So I see that we are standing in this weird office which is supposed to go through our closet to determine whether or not we will get an id of being a Delhite. Since none of us were Delhite, we pretended that we were and got our closets out and there was a huge truck and my closet had all my belongings and two suitcases and stuff like that. There was a female officer who was questioning us about many things and even after we filled the forms and got our pictures clicked for the ID, my other friends got scared and decided to leave their belongings and leave. I kept asking them not to do so or else we would not get this card, but they left. I even asked the authorities to hurry up and make the card because if my friends leave I will have to carry my closet myself and it will really be difficult while I have such a long way to go and even the metro would not accommodate me. I don’t know exactly how that argument was settled but the next thing I know is I am on a plane going somewhere, seemed like Dubai but it was more of Europe I believe. So anyways we go to this university where we are to stay. And also by ‘we’, I don’t mean the 3 friends about whom I mentioned earlier, now it was a huge group of people who had traveled so far with their ids. I got to see three of my old school and college mates in this university and was surprised to see how much they had changed over the years. Especially the girl from my school who was supposed to be so shy, was now daringly wearing a short dress and kept her hair lose and looked quite good. Not only I but another of my school mate, who also was in this trip and yet didn’t talk to me much, she also was surprised. Next I ran up to meet a nurse or was she a doctor exactly I don’t remember to ask whether or not we were to get vaccinations since we were tourists and their might be certain amount of precautions which need to be taken. But she replied in negative and asked me how I know of the procedure; I proudly claimed that I had seen it in lots of movies, well for real I can’t remember any such movie. Nonetheless she was impressed by my knowledge and said she would ask the authorities and would let me know if any such thing was meant to be done. By the time I returned back in the lobby area everyone was scattered since rooms were allotted to each one of us. However in the list my name and that id number were missing. So I contacted the reception and they said I have a special room only for me. It was like a trailer kind of room, very small though very spacious. I remember the cool cabinet which had drawers and had place to hang my clothes and also had space to keep my 2 suitcases in an orderly manner. It was really interesting. Later we all got ready, though I only saw myself leave the university to go out and take a look around the campus and get a hang of things.

At this point I was made to forcefully wake up since it was almost near the end of the day and start of the afternoon and it was time to wake up. In this dream all I felt was confused, happy, excited, surprised and feelings like that.

Both the dreams were very confusing and weird for me even today. Lately so many things are going on in my mind, I wonder if they are manifestations of my own sub conscious mind. Yet I don’t get logic in any of the dreams. Am I supposed to go on a foreign holiday or am I supposed to look out for certain interesting happenings in the near future? There are so many things I can and yet I cannot make out of my dreams. Yet I seriously wish to go on a trip and have the time of my life. Till then cheers to me, my crazy life and my weird dreams!!!

A mistake I will try not to repeat again.

Yes I admit it was entirely my mistake to have anticipated so much and expected so much that all I got was disappointment. Well to be frank, it was quite sometime now and I was actually looking forward to a change. I thought it would be good for me but little had I known then that it would all be a nightmare I rather could have avoided, if only I had never been so excited about the trip. Well so here I am narrating my trip… it is entirely my account of the trip and this here only n only refers to my perception of things. No harm meant to anyone purposely, so buckle up and read about my bumpy ride.

It was on Saturday that we had to board the plan. As anticipated the last few days weren’t very exciting because of reasons which are best hidden, yet luckily I had a great time with my old school friends who were a blessing in disguise. Seriously I never ever had imagined that I would be so comfortable with those friends whom I had ceased to know after class VII. Anyways there were reasons both to rejoice and be disappointed before I had boarded the flight to Delhi.

Well the flight was fine, not comfortable, however I do recommend the sandwich which indeed was tasty. So finally the flight landed and we were here in Delhi. Well I don’t know why but somehow my spirits weren’t very high yet I pretended to be excited. But after waiting for almost half an hour for someone to come and receive us in the airport I was very much irritated. The problem is I hate waiting, waiting for anyone. And they not just kept me waiting; they also kept my mother waiting, which was all the more irritating. Anyways, hiding my disappointment I embarked to a journey which seemed to be never ending. Finally we reached our destination, well I would like to call it Hell Hole, but keeping in mind the sentiments and emotions attached of my very dear ones, I will prefer it being addressed as a Black Hole or BH.

The first night was fine, but hardly had 5 minutes gone that all I could hear was complaints, so unnecessary and uncalled for, especially to those who come from so far. But what else can you expect in a BH. Anyways the next day I was supposed to meet my friend, I will not say friends, because the others involved are, were or will never be my friends. I woke up that morning to this urgent call which wanted me to reach this place early and didn’t wanted me to be late. So I got dressed, got ready, had a distasteful breakfast and embarked on this supposed fun ride to meet my friend. But it seemed like luck was never ever on my side. Nonetheless I reached the place in time and rather had to wait for my friend to arrive. And I was seriously irritated because frankly I just can’t wait. My mood was so off that I really wanted to hit him so very hard. Yet Rohan was there with me to support me and help me out. I seriously love him and admire him for all what he is to me. Anyways the day was okay, nothing great or grand, yet I had to travel half way to the city and had to come back alone as well. Kolkata me aisa nai hota. Anyways thankfully my brother-in-law was there to receive me in the station and I was rescued for the time being to be struck with another blow. I came back to BH and I don’t remember what passed through that day. The next day I was also supposed to go out once again yet nothing worked out rather no one wanted to make it work out. So I gave up and submitted to my fate and accepted whatever came my way. By the end of the day, was DJ night and even though I laughed like crazy that day I wish I could discuss about it in great details. But once again can’t do so as some sentiments and emotions are involved which I cannot hurt.

The wedding was a !!@##$%&*&*. I have no words to describe it. Anyways the day after the wedding was the day I could breathe normally. Oh I almost forgot my friend lost the gifts I had got him and his sister. Another set back for me. I wanted to some other friends as well, but somehow each one of them was responsible for a thing or two that I decided not to face anyone else.

Well a lot more it to be said, but I choose not to, because the moment I speak up, I will be hurting a lot of people and I don’t want that. No matter how much hurt and pain I have to suffer, I rather not want anyone else to suffer because of me. The only reason why I type all this out is the fact that I too wanted to let out my feelings and a lot of my feelings are yet to be expressed I am happy with whatever space my feelings have taken up. One thing is for sure, I am not taking any more supposed holidays again. I rather watch movies and indulge in shopping in the city I live in. someday I want to be far away from this city but then will other cities treat me the way Kolkata has.

No matter how things might turn out to be, at the end of the day my friends and family matter a lot to me. Even though the count of friends has reduced drastically, well not in my FB friend list of course, but in my real life, yet I try and cherish everything I have and I had. BH… hopefully will never ever get to see you again and be there again because I cannot take any more of you. Thanks for all the memories, good or bad, or whatever. So let it be…

A mistake I will try not to repeat again.

Rejoice... it is the Selfish Me!!!

My habit of writing and reading is slowly going away. I don’t know why but it has. Hopefully one of these days I get back the energy to hit the novels and read them up. I was so much into them but don’t really know what happened to me.

Perhaps because I saw my friend hiding these super costly novels from me in her house so that I don’t borrow them from her. Well it definitely did hurt, but it hurt the most because I clearly remember her destroying the one novel I hold dear to my heart when I had lend it to her. Well the world is full of selfish people and I am no less.

How to define my selfishness?!?!

It is kind of difficult. But yes I am a human being and I am entitled to try and to things to the best of my capability.

This goes back to the days when I was in C.A.E.H.S and I was really getting horrible grades and was unable to keep up my grades, especially in maths  [K.S.Nag (author of the maths book) I still hate you]. So my parents got to know of this tutor who would come and teach me all the subjects. Not only this, the tutor was well known all over the colony. So my parents hire him to teach me and you know what I do? I go up to my friends and tell them I got hold of this very famous tutor and not only this I invite them to take tuitions from the same guy with me at my house. Well you will be thinking this isn’t a selfish act at all. But you will be surprised to know that one of my friends was already taking tuitions from this guy but never really bothered to tell us and when I shared the news, I got a scolding from this esteemed friend of mine for making it public.

It was after I gave my Class-VII exams, that my parents shifted me to this another school, N.P.S.S.B.S, a C.B.S.E board. By the way I forgot to mention, my previous school was of state board where English was not at all given any priority and also they were following the syllabus of my grand mom’s days. And now I was thrown to this entirely new and advanced set up, where we had facilities like the computers, library and many more. For the entire first week in the new school I had no friends. I don’t recall how exactly I passed my days there, but by the second week I did had friends and I am so grateful to each one of them. Well so in this new school, I always used to speak in English, even though my English was pathetic, but English has been my favorite subject since time immemorial. And the other students were not at all comfortable at it. So they usually avoided my company. Anyways by the end of the year we had to attend this NCC camp for which we were asked to sit for your exams before the others and then leave for the camp. I gave the exams and didn’t know what happened once I left school. When I returned I got to know that I did really well in English and that was the time when the other students opened up to me and started talking to me. It was like now I too am worthy of their company. Nonetheless there were a hell lot of things the school taught me, and I am really happy that my parents decided to change my school.

After my boards I wanted to go to ACS, ISC board. For which I sat for an entrance exam and gave an interview as well. To be honest I don’t remember how all of it went, but after a week when the results were announced I was taken in and this was the moment of joy for all. Mom and Dad had been trying their best to get me into this school for a long time now. But due to a thing or two I would never get the admission. But finally I did and it was great. Being a total girl’s school, I saw so many things and learnt so much about girls.

I was always among the top three in class and I seriously don’t know how I managed to do that. Then my name came in the merit list of SXC, and I was the only one to get through the college. And you know what I did; I came out of the college and on our way back home cried for my friends as I knew they had all applied and none got through. And in the evening I get call from these very friends of mine accusing me of the fact that I never said I was applying in the college or else they wouldn’t have wasted money of filling the form for the college.

After SXC, some of us had a real tough time getting into a college for our masters degree. CU reserved only 2 damn seats for students from SXC and then also deducted our total percentage at the very last moment. Because of this many couldn’t get through and the day I got to know of this, I was returning home with dad in the scooter and I cried. And seriously I did. I was so irritated at all of this and you know what one of my friends asked me, whether or not I bribed the people there.

This is the price I paid for my selfishness over the years. The times I have been mean and selfish I got a punch directly on my face, and no one had to do that. Life itself has punished me so very many ways. And still the punches hurt. But why do friends forget all the good things or life and remember the bitter things. Only perhaps it wasn’t expected out of those people you trust the most. And often you trust someone else so much that their fiction seems more real than reality and the truth becomes one of the many lies which you rather do away with than face.

Cheers to Selfishness and to selfish me!!!

Run-Away!!!

My friends always ask me why I seem to run away from them whenever I have problems or whenever something negative happens around me. Most of the times I seriously am out of words to tell them the reasons for doing so, and seriously I myself am so freaking confused all the time about sharing my personal stuff with them.

Well frankly speaking half the friends are not at all bothered at all, and the few of those who are little bit bothered, have no time or interest as such. I mean it gets so difficult to choose one thing over the other. It’s like to choose between getting ignored or going away from those who ignore you? It is a difficult choice I must say, but one has to choose.

To look at the bigger picture, somehow or the other the equation between me and my friends has never really worked out. Well for one among the many reasons, we are two completely different individuals with different approaches towards life. Over time I have come across so many people with different needs and wants and each special and unique, at times irritating and stupid in their very own ways. But I have loved and still love each one of them. It is just the simple fact that at times I like to be left alone, before I can figure out something about my life. Frankly I had such great dreams and elaborate plans about myself that it hurts to see them crumble. Moreover everyone has seen me strong and believe me when I say this. I have always been like this superwoman for whom everything has been possible, who is tough and strong and solid. Well to be frank at times I do feel like a rock, been thrown over from this side of the lane to the other now and then. Anyways the basic thing is unless and until I prove myself to myself; I rather keep things to myself.

Well also to add to my situation there are a host of things going so very against me. It’s like my mind is divided in so many bits and pieces that I have these stupid fits of losing my conscious and being what can only be described as mad. Some of my friends think it is one of those very phases where lovers have a fight, but how should I tell them that there are so very many things my boyfriend himself is unaware of. Luckily I have someone in my life who is so supportive and I burst out to him now and then. But that is so very unfair on my part. So I am trying my best to refrain myself from saying anything which might hurt anyone.

There have been times when I have been let down by my friends and especially those days when I needed someone the most. Somehow the feeling of being left out and loneliness has left a bitter taste on my tongue. And lately has turned so sour that I just don’t want to go on with it anymore. I so wish for my childhood days to return but I don’t have a lamp to rub on it and order a genie to make things better. Rather as my destiny states, I will work hard, toil day and night to set things right, right for all my loved ones. Oh! How I wish some things would work out like in a snap of a finger. But then they will never and I know it very well.

Even thought my elaborate plans are going to the ditches very effectively, I still try and hold my ground, with frankly speaking only my God and no one else. It is difficult to see my loved ones suffer each day and I feel so helpless most of the times.

Friends, family members and my dear ones, if ever you get to read this, remember no matter what each one of you make me what I am today. I love you all no matter what. Just want to apologize for all the days I couldn’t make the sun shine on you and made you sad. If I could have my way I would take back all those days. But I am only a mortal and be rest assured I won‘t live long.

Thanks for everything you guys have done for me. I can never in a million years repay it back to any one of you. Thank You!!!

I believe its over... I hope not!!!

I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I don’t know why and how I was just missing you so much yesterday. I know Ron will completely understand me but then for a change I wanted a friend to be by my side and unfortunately for me, you were that friend for a long time and now there is no one else like you. You might just take it as a compliment, only if you ever get to read it or you might not even bother, but this is fine.

Just wanted to know how you are doing and what is going on these days and just wanted to listen to you, talk to you a bit, but we both now that now it is not possible. Anyways it was stupid on my part to dial your number like that and it was all the scarier when I heard it ringing. I am sorry to have bothered you, even though somehow I feel you are not bothered.

Just wanted to let you know that I miss you my dear friend, and I hope we never ever cross each others path and stay happy in our own lives. This will be the last of you ever again in my blog [at least I hope so].

Baby, love you soooooo much! Thanks for all your love and support, for understanding me and my stupid needs all the time. Sorry for never letting you go off to sleep on time and always calling you up, fighting over silliest of reasons possible on earth. Most of all thank you for being yourself with me and let me be myself with you.

God bless us all!!!

Khatam hai mera Desh!!!

KhaTaM Hai WOh SwAtanTrtA K BhaWAnA

Ab TOh JosH JaGa hAi HuMMnE

gAyE WOh PurANe RaJ pAath K BaATeIn

AB TOH BiGaDnA sEEKhA hAI HuMMnE

TODd k EK DuJe kA SIr

HuM EK NaYa JaHAn BaNaYenGe

BhuL K saaRi SAbhyAtAOn Ko

HuMm EK NaYa JaHAN SAJaYeNGE

haATh MiLakR chaLo TuM BHi Ab

BhRaSTh hAi HuM, TuM BHi BaNo bHrAStH

EK RaJ, EK Hi MuLK mE KaiSe rAhE ShaANti

Ab TOH MauKa MiLa hAi sAb Ko MiTayenGe!!!