Yours forever... ME!!!

I am seriously angry on my own self. No matter how many times I will try to make myself understand, I will inevitably make the same mistakes over and over again and then regret about it. Lately the only thing going on in my mind is that no matter what I am not supposed to repeat my mistakes ever again and hurt myself like this.

It’s surprisingly to actually be able to understand the true feelings behind the lines. I had heard or perhaps read somewhere, looks like a very raunchy romantic line, but I don’t know why it sounds so true to me today.

“Loving you is as easy as breathing. And how can you ask me suddenly to stop breathing?”

Wow! I didn’t realize that it could actually hurt so much. I so much can relate to these lines that I seriously am short of words and expressions to go ahead and share or even express my feelings, even to myself for that matter. But today I feel I should finally speak a little about it because I am going crazy and I seriously cannot take it anymore.

I still remember how I had made him confess his love to me. And I know he had so much loved confessing it to me that each month he would make it a point to go ahead and propose to me. Gosh… now that I look back to it, it seems like I will never ever be able to feel so very special with anyone. And in so very many ways that is actually true, and I won’t deny the fact that he will always be a part of me and my life, no matter if we are together or not. Feels like a sharp knife is being stabbed inside my heart. That is how all those poets came up with such great lines and feelings of love, that somehow today I can understand the true meaning of each one of them and can feel their loneliness too. In so many ways I can relate to the love lost lovers, their depressions, yet their hopefulness about the future. I only wish I could have been able to compose such great poetry in my despair as well. But somehow I am so scared to even dwell into the thoughts of a wonderful two and a half year long journey that I feel I will only hurt myself more. I still have this stupid pride and ego in me which keeps saying that I always did right and that somehow things will work out for me for the best. But my brain knows there is nothing left to be done except to quit. And look at my super duper bad luck I can’t even quit. I can’t even run away from my family and my parents, or my friends. Well in a way I have been able to successfully hide from most of my friends, as I believe only 1% of my friends know about this break-up and I didn’t feel like sharing such grand news with any of my other friends. Well this isn’t grand news that it can actually be shared with everyone. Someday maybe when I will actually have good news in my life, I will go ahead and make sure to involve all of my friends in it. But as of now I don’t feel like making my friends a part of my sad and depressing life.

And my super duper sad super sad life, I am listening to all kinds of stupid romantic songs and I wish he could have heard me saying all this to him. But what was bound to happen, did happen. And well I don’t regret falling in love, and having perhaps the best time of my adult life, but what I regret it, that I just couldn’t sustain it. And whenever I look or hear about other couples, all I can be is just be jealous of them. Mostly because of the sole reason that I too had something like them, but had to give it all up.

I know many will ask why I gave up so easily. Well, to say the truth, it has by far been the toughest decision I had to take. But I know how family is and how important family is for someone like me. And I respect the fact and I can say that I am strong enough to give up on love because of my family. From my early childhood I have always said this and will say it time and again, that family comes first for me. And I will do anything and everything to honor my relationship with my family. They deserve every bit of what I am today and I cannot deny them that.

But then it’s actually difficult to give up on breathing but definitely I am trying my best and practicing somehow to keep myself within myself and not letting others know that oxygen is not the sole reason of my survival.

I just don’t know how well to explain what I felt whenever he was around me, even if it was over the phone or a message. From early childhood, everyone knows and it is no secret that I have been a tough girl, some call such a girl a tomboy, in a world full of boys. I have fought and fought hard every step of my life and in this endless battle to try and prove myself strong and tough, somewhere I just forgot who I was. At times I purposely would act messed up so that Mom would look at me and scold me and try to make me look pretty. But slowly it became a habit and I was never ever bothered about how I looked. If I looked at my mirror more than once in a day, I wonder the mirror would also think whether or not I have gone mad. But somehow with him, it was a completely different feeling. I no longer had to pretend to be the super strong female I was known to be. I could be stupid and childish, the one I really was from the inside and I still am from the inside. Only I know how important that feeling was and still is for me. And frankly I don’t have enough words to express the feeling I have with him. He made me come close to myself and made me realize so very many things I never ever thought existed in me. I could be vulnerable in front of him and cry my heart out to him. I could even blush, well a thing I had not known existed in me before. Gosh! If I go on describing the feelings I had and still have, then it will take ages out of me.

Also I am getting older by the day. And I seriously don’t see a point in looking out and preparing myself for another heart break. Because a part of me still belongs to me and somehow I cannot give up on this stupid thought that someday soon everything will be alright, even though I am very confident that nothing is ever supposed to happen between us after our break-up. I just cannot imagine myself with anyone else. And I even shudder to think that he can be married off to someone else. I am trying every way possible to distract myself so that I won’t have to see him again and think about him again. But as you can see how miserably I am failing in my futile attempts. But one good news, now I am head over heels for Taylor Lautner. Well actually I am not, but pretending to be so, I am sure I am soon to only think about him and no one else in the process. So the futile effort is on, let’s hope it works for the best. Thank you Taylor for being there for me, you would never know, but you are helping a lot these days. I sincerely wish I could meet you someday. Well for Hugh Jackman, I used to call him my Hugh, but now that he is gone, I believe he is actually Hugh Jackman for me, someone I can never meet in my life, nor can ever speak to, but all I could ever do is wish that we were together. Isn’t that such a pathetic state of affairs for someone like me?

I so wish I could be a child again. But unfortunately I am in such a stage of my life where I am supposed to behave myself once again, in fact as always. All my life all I have done is behaving myself and act mature. Well it is time to be back to what I was always. I never had the liberty to act childish and appear cute to others. Well I guess God never intended it to be that way. You know it doesn’t actually matters how you are from your heart, as long as you look beautiful and charming, and can flatter people, you are the best. Unfortunately I suck at each one of these aspects, so no scope for me. Yet somehow I manage to carry on and do my work in the best way I can.

Also I am having these random crush on people I don’t even know. But I do have these crushes. Frankly I don’t want any thing else to do with love, but I don’t know why this stupid heart still beats. Wasn’t it stabbed by a knife sometime back? Yet it manages to beat. Damn!

Anyways too much is said by now. Need to go away and rest my head in peace for sometime.

Take care guys and especially take care my stupid heart. I don’t want to be hurt ever again. Please be a lot considerate about this fact and kindly keep me away from distractions which can be injurious to my health.

Yours forever

ME!!!

Pleasantries...

So many afternoons have gone

So many days I was left alone.

Little did I realize it until now,

Things aren’t the same somehow.

My initial wish was to avoid him completely

But the desire to see him once again arose so urgently

That there was no other way left out

For me to consider over it or about.

My Greek God, majestic on his throne

Looked so perfect yet so forlorn.

His perfect smile and his greeting of a simple Hi!

I wished that very moment I could have died.

But I felt at ease around him this moment,

At times mesmerized by his sweet innocence.

Oh! Now I remember how I had smiled and blushed

Every time he looked my way or passed by me in a rush.

I felt like being that stupid once again

But somehow I waited for my confidence to regain.

And surprisingly we shared a joke or two

And the sarcasm couldn’t hide his self so true.

Alas! I turned towards the prettiest damsel in town

Surprised and pleasantly shocked, she looked around.

Her cold nature appeared so cool today

I just couldn’t picture her any other way

She looked a little pale and somehow so young

Just a sweet thing and pretensions were none.

We had a great chat and she seemed so concerned

Lastly all she did was invite me for her concert.

A pleasant day it was for me

To be back in the once magical land

And to be amongst those who had cared

And today somehow I bother to share

The most expensive feelings I have

For those who would no longer be there.

Dead Love

As I look back at those fun days of school

I remember how everything appeared so refreshingly cool

I thought back then that love was costly and never for sale

And my life would be no less than a Cinderella’s tale.

Little did I realize then that my fate was tied

To all those stories, where all the lovely women died

Of love. They smiled like me even in their pain,

Now I know that love cannot happen again.

The lonely Lady of Shalott had only once left her tower

To see the courageous Sir Lancelot near the river.

And on her fell the brunt of a curse so grave

She escaped her lonely existence and came out so brave.

Floating down the river smooth, she sang

Of her only boon. She died near that very river bank

And only the Knight in the shining armor praised out lot

For the lovely corpse of the beautiful Lady of Shalott.

Her hair was damp, on her last cold rainy night.

She had come out in the darkness, to fulfill her only delight.

Her trust, her faith lay all in his bare arms

But he strangled her thrice and kept her warm.

Her perfectly pure and good self did he try to preserve

And he felt perfect when he realized what he truly deserved.

It was no guilt, but guilt was all he might have tamed

Even then Porphyria’s Lover never got himself a name.

I too wanted to have a story so intense and yet so pure

Even if it might end in death, but not too tough to endure.

Today the passion is spent, and now I wish it was not.

I hope someday to find a place from where some love can be bought.

But now the heart is broken and I am looking for my last sleep

I know that I only got what my deeds have truly reaped.

I look forward to see myself in the morning light

As each day goes by and I too am bound to die.

The story of a Hopeless Romantic

This story is only and only about me. So I believe others should not feel offended by the things I have perceived over the years. Well on second thoughts, how many of them will read this to even go ahead and analyze my thoughts. Even though my story begins the moment I was born but I will skip quite a number of years of my life and go ahead only with those years of my life which will show how hopelessly romantic I am and can be.

I was never an avid reader. I was not introduced to books for quite a considerable period of my life. Even though I had read hindi comics and a few English children books here and there, I truly cannot recall any such book which might have triggered my being such a romantic. However TV was an important part of my life. I remember watching TV from the very early days of my life. Cartoons, hindi movies, serials have always been like a daily dose of entertainment for me. Watching the wonderful world of fiction had always attracted me and kept me wondering if life too could be so beautiful and magical.

The innocence of Pingo, the adventurous nature of Mogwli, the naughty nephews of Uncle Scrooge, the cute gummy bears, the courageous yet stupid LaunchPad, the pretty Daisy Duck in love with Donald Duck and the happy couple of Mickey and Minnie Mouse with their pet dog Pluto. Wow!!! Those were some days to reckon with. I wish I too was a comic character running around with them in all the adventures and laughing with them. Disney was an important part of my life back then. The magical carpet, Genie and Aladin’s friendship and the beautiful princess Jasmine, each one of them made me feel like a part of their lives. Then came the era of Cartoon Network with Scooby Doo, Noddy, Dexter, Johnny Bravo, Popeye, and more and more characters.

Life was so beautiful and colorful indeed. The stupid hindi films also added to it where love stories came to a happy ending and with all the singing and dancing around the trees made me wonder if real life romance too would be this good.

As I became a teenager this new rage of being in love, roaming around with a boyfriend became like this thing everyone was craving for. English songs were a privilege now. I changed schools but it was only in class 11 that I was introduced properly to books and to English movies, being the true force behind making me an actively hopeless romantic. Books brought another world in front of my eyes when cartoons didn’t hold any more importance in my life. Life was so unreal back then. Looking back at those days make me wonder whether I actually was like that. But I enjoyed every moment of my life back then. There were good and bad days yet I held this feeling very close to my heart that soon everything will be alright. There will be a miracle and things would take a turn for the best of my interests. Well even though I had dreamt a lot about me being in love and had by now prepared a long list of things I want in my partner, I always wished (and I still do) that I get to be in love with only one person for the rest of my life and he would be the only one in my life in whose arms maybe someday I will die. I was so naïve back then and maybe I am so still now because I firmly believe love happens only once and well my chance with love is over and done with. No more do I desire to be hugged tightly and to walk beside someone hand in hand, to blush every time when that special someone would look into my eyes. Well to tell you the truth, that special someone is lost forever now. I seriously never thought this day would come in my life when I would have to give up on my dream which I had held onto for such a long time. But reality bites as well as slaps hard across the face.

I remember watching Kate and Leopold and wondering how a man can be. This was the first time I fell half in love with Hugh Jackman. One must watch the movie; he is such a sweet heart. Then came the stupid phase where I was running after these bollywood actors who no longer attract me. However Hrithik has managed to be still there somehow. I remember watching him in Jodha Akhbar. Well I remember the day as well when I and Chaiji (my grandmother) went out for the movie only because it was getting too stuffy in the house. Hrithik was simply wow!!! I remember later that night chatting with my friend and how we both were conspiring to rape Hrithik… Hehehe… that was fun indeed.

College life was fun. I got to read more books and even poems and watched a lot more movies now. Poems made me go madder than ever. Now I had company of these wonderful poets who too like me where hopeless romantic and in a way encouraged me to be so all through my college life. I met a lot of people here and well I had my share of crushes and crashes too. But all was in good faith and even though the days are long gone I remember the time I have spent with each one of my friend and it still gives me the feeling of being so very special. Especially the second year of my life, it was rocking and I was a Raw-Queen then!!! Organizing the fests, running here and there, officially bunking classes, always smiling, and a host of other stuff too. Well in this phase of my life, I remember hugging my juniors a lot and I must mention this that Aubhi was my first tight hug ever. It was the day he had returned from his NCC camp and one other time when he had won the CR elections when I was in 3^rd year. It was only in 3^rd year that I came to know who my true friends were. Pallavi was sick for most part of the 3^rd year and I was also into politics and fortunately or unfortunately was a part of the School Students’ Union. Even though I turned out to be a shrewd politician (which I thought I was not capable of) I had lot of fun with that as well. I remember this late evening meeting we members had to attend and how Jonathan and Aubhi stayed back with me. Especially Jon, both of us talked non stop that day and I still am so grateful to both of them for being around there for me like this.

The birthday parties at my house where rocking and seriously I love my parents for agreeing to my demands every now and then. I used to tell dad almost everything about my everyday conquests of finding new places to shop at and bunk classes to watch movie and stuff.  Then came Bhavans and Cu. During this phase I was not much in touch with my guy friends nor did I make any new guy friends. However this was the time when these special people in my life came to meet me. My true best friend whom I have lately hurt so much that he perhaps, or I am absolutely sure of, hates my guts and this true and first love of mine, who seems to have given up on me and seems to refuse to fight for me. In the past few days I have truly realized that whatever goes around comes around. I have caused so many heart breaks over the years, my heart too was bound to be shattered this badly. I seriously cannot complain about any of this to anyone. Because I know everything happens for a reason and I did deserve being used and misused over time and so it shall be. Today I don’t have a friend left with to share my feelings. Well its not that my friends have abandoned me or something. It is just that I have abandoned each one of them and I have consciously decided not to discuss my feelings and emotions with any one of them.

Hopeless romantic in love expects a hell lot of things from life. I imagined so many things which were never bound to happen and never thought of those things which were bound to happen. And so I am suffering right now. I should have been a better judge of the people around me. But as the saying goes, only God can judge me, who the hell am I to go around and judge people and pass my judgment unto them. Even after so many things have happened I am still expecting that somehow a miracle would happen and everything will be the way it was supposed to be in my dreams. But the truth is there is no prince charming, nor am I a damsel in distress waiting to be rescued. Well in a way I am the modern damsel in distress who desperately wants to be rescued but then as of now there are more important things in life which needs to be taken care of. And I frankly have no time in thinking about the stupid hopeless romantic stuff which might have happened in the past or which I have always dreamt of.

Well I know it’s cruel and being cold blooded, but now I think I have a chance to meet someone taller than me. Even though I doubt how much of love I would be able to give anyone but I guess I am once again ready to fall in love. But on second thoughts I won’t because I am done with the quota of being in love and trust is a word I cannot trust anymore. So I guess whatever has happened has happened for the best and its time I face the reality and be practical for a chance. Romance is a crucial part of life and I shall not give up on it. But yes, from now on I will do things for myself. Well even though I have always done things for myself, but now I will make sure not to regret any decisions I have taken. And most importantly will not cause embarrassment or hurt my parents in any ways. I know they trust and respect each one of my decision a lot, but its time I give them back what they truly deserve. I know in this new mission of my life (well this has been a mission of my life for quite sometime now) my Bhagwanji will always stay by my side.

The tale of a Hopeless Romantic shall continue. There is no end to it. Well I think now I will start reading the Twilight series and revive the romantic in me. And at the same time be the practical girl who will never regret decisions in her life. I know there might be a Gerry (P.S. I Love You) there for me, who would love me the moment he would see me, I know I will find my Jacob (Twilight series) who would love me and be by my side no matter what. But till then let me enjoy my rendezvous with these fictional characters and let me have the time of my life.

P.S. I want to watch cartoons again. Anyone reading this knows the torrent links of the cartoons I have just mentioned, please post them in the comments. Thank You!

Never Again!!!

I don’t know where to start today from and what exactly to type out. So many things have happened recently that I seriously don’t know what to do about them except to perhaps forget them but then how?

I always thought that I am this perfect girl with little imperfections which I can choose not to think about. But today I still can see how everyone is still biased about certain things which only make it all the more worse for my living around them. Happiness is just a state of mind, and it is absolutely true. We can choose to be happy even in a very difficult or even a very sad situation. And that is why I can say yes I am happy. Being positive, hoping for the best of everything is what I have left with and seriously I just can’t stand it anymore. I need to get out of here and get away from everyone for ever. But as always my dream trips remain a stupid dream of mine and I have no other way except to crib and cry about it or to write about it.

Anyways so I have always thought of myself to be perfect. This being absolutely normal as everyone considers themselves to be so. Being a perfect girl I aspire to be the best at everything. And most importantly being perfect for me means that I am able to give my mom and dad that happiness which they have always deserved. I seriously I can’t stand to see them upset or down about anything and so I make it a point to love and help my parents everyway possible. And what is best is the fact that my parents love and support me equally. They always have shown faith and trust in me and all of my decisions. But somehow today I feel like a total let down to them. Things better left unsaid have lately been the reason for all the worries and concern of my parents. I know they won’t say anything but deep inside they know that I will never purposely hurt them. They suffer because at present I am suffering and there is no one to share all this suffering with.

From the outside I have always been a happy-go-lucky person but what is inside me stays inside and it hurts badly. I seriously don’t know how to express myself and how exactly to explain what I am going through right now. What hurts the most is the thought that I have let my parents down and have somehow abused the trust and faith they had in me. If only I could turn back time and make things right. Then this wouldn’t have happened ever.

An important lesson learnt and now I will be more cautious and more attentive not to do anything silly like this ever in my life. Certain things should always be at a shoulder’s distance and should never be entertained in life. I knew life was no cake walk, had it been so, life would have been so uninteresting, monotonous and boring. But I never thought my life would turn out to be like this. I was so freaking sure of it and look at me where I am standing right now. A loser!!!

Never again!!!

I promise to myself Never Again!!!

The irony of my life… :-)

It is really ironical to realize how things work out to be. I seriously have a hell lot to talk about and yet lack the slightest inclination to discuss it at all. At best I can do is keep quite about it and be happy with what ever I am left me.

From hereon things will be a lot different and hopefully a lot better.

Cheers to my evil living LIFE!!!

<3