Life... through me...!!!

Life is becoming complicated by the day. I wonder what exactly I am still doing here. Yet somehow I drag on and I try my best to keep my head held high. But these days I feel so restless and irritated with myself that I can give no logical explanation for it. Seems like logic has lost its importance in my life. I remember being the confident girl who had every eye on her, criticizing her, taunting her, embarrassing her, yet she was strong enough to bear it all. But now I think that girl is lost somewhere. No matter how much I try to put the mask up, someway or the other I keep on losing out on it.

Some days back we had actually had a conversation while fighting. A lot of things which were unsaid finally came out of their wraps. And I was, for a change relieved because those things had eaten up my mind for such a long time. Seems like mom and dad too had forgotten about them, but no one knew how badly I was shaken and affected when actually I had to go through all of it. But as some poet had said, I can’t remember who, our best songs are of our saddest emotions. And I so clearly remember one of my compositions, I AM UGLY. Well it might not be a very fantastic piece of work, but for me it says the best of my emotions. And I love myself inside out and every part of me is vital to me. Only I am aware of things which I have experienced and no words can actually express it. But I try hard to express myself because I know keeping things inside me is not the best way to live through life. And the position I am right now in, it feels so frustrating to see how well I could have dealt with it, and how helpless I feel right now.

I remember always being the friendly one, the chirpy one, as many would describe, happy go lucky girl. But then there has always been a part of me which was hidden from the rest. No matter how much my expressions give away my feelings, what truly lies beneath me, stays underneath forever. And yes I did made a mistake of sharing my deepest thoughts with this someone special, with whom I thought things would turn out to be the best. But look at my over confidence and my ego, I never ever can accept that the fault lies in me. I never tried to stop it from happening. No matter how much I was scared about the future, I now know that I should expect nothing of it. From where I stand today it seems like there is no hope at all. My sleepless nights are driving me crazy. My crazy dreams are making me irritated and scared all the more. The smile I wear on my face everyday is starting to wear off. I seriously have no idea how I will deal with things anymore.

Yesterday while returning from my bro’s place, I was as always cribbing about my life. Well frankly I have no idea what I am really up to and what I am trying to do with my life. As clueless as ever, I feel like walking towards something I have neither idea about nor even the intention to walk any further. But something keeps me from giving up and yet I keep on walking. It is actually senseless of me to expect anything out of my life at all. The days I have gone through, only I know how I have survived through them. The pains stabs like a death wound. Anyways so as I was saying, dad told me that my life has only begun and that I need not worry about things because somehow or the other they will work out for the best. But how should I tell him or make him understand that things are quite different that what he perceives it to be. I know he has seen life in a much better way than I have, yet I have lost hope. And the positive me is just lost somewhere these days.

None the less I am here writing out everything. Well for a change I decided to keep my blog updated. It’s been such a long time that I have been writing for and I want to continue to do so. Writing is something which makes me feel happy and satisfied about myself and my life. It’s an absolute pleasure to see and perceive things and then to decorate them with the few words I have in my vocabulary. I know I am no award winning writer or something, but someday I hope that I will be known for my writings. After all they are an eternal part of me and who I am.

I need a distraction badly. And I know not where I will find such a distraction. Well things are very much different now. You know what I had this weird dream about this guy, one amongst the many; I have a stupid crush on. Actually it is not a crush; it’s just a liking from the far. Well anyways as I was saying, in this weird dream of mine, he came up to me and hugged me so tightly. In fact I want a hug pretty badly these days and there is absolutely no one to understand that need of mine nor am I able to make anyone understand about it. And also weirdly enough I was crying and the moment I felt the hugged, I was enveloped in these warm arms which seemed to protect me from the outside world. I felt safe and secure in those arms. I don’t really know what my dream was trying to tell me, but one thing is for sure, my dream made it pretty clear to me that am virtually depressed from the inside. The people around me fail to see it nor have I the intentions of making it clear to anyone of them.

Hey in office, I have met a few very good people and I have really happy to interact with them each day. The stupid jokes we crack and when we pull each other’s leg. It is all too much funny. I wish each of them great lives to come.

More on my stupid little useless and hopeless life later. Take care till then…

Random ramblings....!!!

Somehow life is getting a little more difficult for me to live. I am so absolutely clueless about things around me. And the worst part I absolutely have no control over anything at all. Trying my best to keep my good spirits up, I fail to understand that there are powers much greater than me at work. Not only metaphorically but it’s a reality. And frankly I am out of words today and am even more confused about my feelings right at this moment, or how I should be feeling right now.

By the way have stopped reading for some weird reason. But I am sure to resume my small adventure back real soon, because I badly need the distraction again soon. Taylor has been a blessing for me indeed. That guy has no clue, but he has been such a big help and support for me all this while. Bless you Taylor Lautner. And also I think I must confess, that keeping up the pretense of liking Lautner, has made me actually like him now. So after the super duper roller coaster crush and love and loss of Hugh Jackman, my hopes have revived in the form of Taylor Lautner. How ironical it is indeed. In both the scenarios, I am well aware that I am an over-reacher and yet I have so very many hopes of these rendezvous’ of mine. Nonetheless I must admit that both Hugh and Taylor have been a great source of support, inspiration, admiration and most of all distraction for me. And no matter what I shall always remember you guys for this.

Well something happened lately of which I don’t know much of comment or say about. But I absolutely hate it when people have to suffer because of me. I am not aware of how things will be in the future, nor have I the desire to hopelessly predict it, I just want everyone to be happy around me and also I don’t want to cause trouble for everyone. And believe me when I say everyone, I mean everyone.

I did my advance birthday shopping, and I haven’t ever spent so very much on shopping. :P and now me thinking why did I had to spend so much. I will have to keep a track of my spending. I don’t want to end up spending more than what I earn.

Also I met a lot of good people indeed. And believe me when I say this, we go crazy together… and it is like actual crazy, talking about everything crappy possible on earth and yet each one of us has the ability to laugh with others as well as to laugh at ourselves. Well I hope both of these creatures I am talking about have a great future and a super awesome life to look forward to.

As already known I am in a very weird phase of a break-up where I and Ron still are unable to keep away from each other and end up talking over the phone and sharing stuff. I am also going through this weird crush phase, where I am having random crushes on these guys around me. Well to be exact the count now is… 7. And stupid I am thinking now it is not enough. Back in college days we used to have such random crushes which would crash every other minute or two. Anyways this reminds me about those crazy days when I had a Nature Boy in my life… :P Those days were fun. Wow! How much I wish I was back in school or college, not university of course. :D

I heard Prof.CG lef t CU. Well I wish the man best of everything and I will miss him for his absolutely outstanding classes for Christabel. I remember being apprehensive at the beginning of the year, when I came to know that one of my favorite poets, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, was to be taught by anyone else except Prof.BD. Oh! How can I forget those classes of Kubla Khan, when I would literally hang on the words spoken by my very own Greek God? He was flawless and just perfect. Prof. BD had created such a high level of expectations within me that I found it hard to believe that anyone has the capability to reach that level. But it was Prof. CG who proved me so very wrong. Those days of Christabel shall always be in my mind. Thanks to both of my professors. I am seriously going to miss some great days and moments of my life.

I just realized that I have written quite a lot. Hopefully will be able to update certain cool things or maybe a poem or two soon. Just waiting for the right kind of inspiration. By the way my last poem about the Angel Face was written when I went to visit the Doctor for Mom. :P Anyways more updates later… got to go now.!!!

An Angel Face...

It was one of those many days,

When I felt like going all away

And yet I was here, waiting for my turn,

Looking around faces unknown, just for some fun.

It was then that something bright caught me by surprise

Right around the room, at one corner he stood and smiled.

A face so sweet and so innocent

I could feel his happiness and it was so pleasant.

His perfect smile so subtle and angelic,

His eyes sparkled when he looked towards me.

It was surprising to see how he kept on smiling

Disappointed, just to realize that it wasn’t for me.

The smile so special and so very precious

Went across me to someone he truly treasured.

It was his life which he had smiled upon

It was his wife who was standing around.

His child slept peacefully in her arms

I am sure he too will have his father’s smile so warm.

So this is how an angel face came alive

Just to add to my sweet memory of a sweet smile.

Yours forever... ME!!!

I am seriously angry on my own self. No matter how many times I will try to make myself understand, I will inevitably make the same mistakes over and over again and then regret about it. Lately the only thing going on in my mind is that no matter what I am not supposed to repeat my mistakes ever again and hurt myself like this.

It’s surprisingly to actually be able to understand the true feelings behind the lines. I had heard or perhaps read somewhere, looks like a very raunchy romantic line, but I don’t know why it sounds so true to me today.

“Loving you is as easy as breathing. And how can you ask me suddenly to stop breathing?”

Wow! I didn’t realize that it could actually hurt so much. I so much can relate to these lines that I seriously am short of words and expressions to go ahead and share or even express my feelings, even to myself for that matter. But today I feel I should finally speak a little about it because I am going crazy and I seriously cannot take it anymore.

I still remember how I had made him confess his love to me. And I know he had so much loved confessing it to me that each month he would make it a point to go ahead and propose to me. Gosh… now that I look back to it, it seems like I will never ever be able to feel so very special with anyone. And in so very many ways that is actually true, and I won’t deny the fact that he will always be a part of me and my life, no matter if we are together or not. Feels like a sharp knife is being stabbed inside my heart. That is how all those poets came up with such great lines and feelings of love, that somehow today I can understand the true meaning of each one of them and can feel their loneliness too. In so many ways I can relate to the love lost lovers, their depressions, yet their hopefulness about the future. I only wish I could have been able to compose such great poetry in my despair as well. But somehow I am so scared to even dwell into the thoughts of a wonderful two and a half year long journey that I feel I will only hurt myself more. I still have this stupid pride and ego in me which keeps saying that I always did right and that somehow things will work out for me for the best. But my brain knows there is nothing left to be done except to quit. And look at my super duper bad luck I can’t even quit. I can’t even run away from my family and my parents, or my friends. Well in a way I have been able to successfully hide from most of my friends, as I believe only 1% of my friends know about this break-up and I didn’t feel like sharing such grand news with any of my other friends. Well this isn’t grand news that it can actually be shared with everyone. Someday maybe when I will actually have good news in my life, I will go ahead and make sure to involve all of my friends in it. But as of now I don’t feel like making my friends a part of my sad and depressing life.

And my super duper sad super sad life, I am listening to all kinds of stupid romantic songs and I wish he could have heard me saying all this to him. But what was bound to happen, did happen. And well I don’t regret falling in love, and having perhaps the best time of my adult life, but what I regret it, that I just couldn’t sustain it. And whenever I look or hear about other couples, all I can be is just be jealous of them. Mostly because of the sole reason that I too had something like them, but had to give it all up.

I know many will ask why I gave up so easily. Well, to say the truth, it has by far been the toughest decision I had to take. But I know how family is and how important family is for someone like me. And I respect the fact and I can say that I am strong enough to give up on love because of my family. From my early childhood I have always said this and will say it time and again, that family comes first for me. And I will do anything and everything to honor my relationship with my family. They deserve every bit of what I am today and I cannot deny them that.

But then it’s actually difficult to give up on breathing but definitely I am trying my best and practicing somehow to keep myself within myself and not letting others know that oxygen is not the sole reason of my survival.

I just don’t know how well to explain what I felt whenever he was around me, even if it was over the phone or a message. From early childhood, everyone knows and it is no secret that I have been a tough girl, some call such a girl a tomboy, in a world full of boys. I have fought and fought hard every step of my life and in this endless battle to try and prove myself strong and tough, somewhere I just forgot who I was. At times I purposely would act messed up so that Mom would look at me and scold me and try to make me look pretty. But slowly it became a habit and I was never ever bothered about how I looked. If I looked at my mirror more than once in a day, I wonder the mirror would also think whether or not I have gone mad. But somehow with him, it was a completely different feeling. I no longer had to pretend to be the super strong female I was known to be. I could be stupid and childish, the one I really was from the inside and I still am from the inside. Only I know how important that feeling was and still is for me. And frankly I don’t have enough words to express the feeling I have with him. He made me come close to myself and made me realize so very many things I never ever thought existed in me. I could be vulnerable in front of him and cry my heart out to him. I could even blush, well a thing I had not known existed in me before. Gosh! If I go on describing the feelings I had and still have, then it will take ages out of me.

Also I am getting older by the day. And I seriously don’t see a point in looking out and preparing myself for another heart break. Because a part of me still belongs to me and somehow I cannot give up on this stupid thought that someday soon everything will be alright, even though I am very confident that nothing is ever supposed to happen between us after our break-up. I just cannot imagine myself with anyone else. And I even shudder to think that he can be married off to someone else. I am trying every way possible to distract myself so that I won’t have to see him again and think about him again. But as you can see how miserably I am failing in my futile attempts. But one good news, now I am head over heels for Taylor Lautner. Well actually I am not, but pretending to be so, I am sure I am soon to only think about him and no one else in the process. So the futile effort is on, let’s hope it works for the best. Thank you Taylor for being there for me, you would never know, but you are helping a lot these days. I sincerely wish I could meet you someday. Well for Hugh Jackman, I used to call him my Hugh, but now that he is gone, I believe he is actually Hugh Jackman for me, someone I can never meet in my life, nor can ever speak to, but all I could ever do is wish that we were together. Isn’t that such a pathetic state of affairs for someone like me?

I so wish I could be a child again. But unfortunately I am in such a stage of my life where I am supposed to behave myself once again, in fact as always. All my life all I have done is behaving myself and act mature. Well it is time to be back to what I was always. I never had the liberty to act childish and appear cute to others. Well I guess God never intended it to be that way. You know it doesn’t actually matters how you are from your heart, as long as you look beautiful and charming, and can flatter people, you are the best. Unfortunately I suck at each one of these aspects, so no scope for me. Yet somehow I manage to carry on and do my work in the best way I can.

Also I am having these random crush on people I don’t even know. But I do have these crushes. Frankly I don’t want any thing else to do with love, but I don’t know why this stupid heart still beats. Wasn’t it stabbed by a knife sometime back? Yet it manages to beat. Damn!

Anyways too much is said by now. Need to go away and rest my head in peace for sometime.

Take care guys and especially take care my stupid heart. I don’t want to be hurt ever again. Please be a lot considerate about this fact and kindly keep me away from distractions which can be injurious to my health.

Yours forever

ME!!!

Pleasantries...

So many afternoons have gone

So many days I was left alone.

Little did I realize it until now,

Things aren’t the same somehow.

My initial wish was to avoid him completely

But the desire to see him once again arose so urgently

That there was no other way left out

For me to consider over it or about.

My Greek God, majestic on his throne

Looked so perfect yet so forlorn.

His perfect smile and his greeting of a simple Hi!

I wished that very moment I could have died.

But I felt at ease around him this moment,

At times mesmerized by his sweet innocence.

Oh! Now I remember how I had smiled and blushed

Every time he looked my way or passed by me in a rush.

I felt like being that stupid once again

But somehow I waited for my confidence to regain.

And surprisingly we shared a joke or two

And the sarcasm couldn’t hide his self so true.

Alas! I turned towards the prettiest damsel in town

Surprised and pleasantly shocked, she looked around.

Her cold nature appeared so cool today

I just couldn’t picture her any other way

She looked a little pale and somehow so young

Just a sweet thing and pretensions were none.

We had a great chat and she seemed so concerned

Lastly all she did was invite me for her concert.

A pleasant day it was for me

To be back in the once magical land

And to be amongst those who had cared

And today somehow I bother to share

The most expensive feelings I have

For those who would no longer be there.

Dead Love

As I look back at those fun days of school

I remember how everything appeared so refreshingly cool

I thought back then that love was costly and never for sale

And my life would be no less than a Cinderella’s tale.

Little did I realize then that my fate was tied

To all those stories, where all the lovely women died

Of love. They smiled like me even in their pain,

Now I know that love cannot happen again.

The lonely Lady of Shalott had only once left her tower

To see the courageous Sir Lancelot near the river.

And on her fell the brunt of a curse so grave

She escaped her lonely existence and came out so brave.

Floating down the river smooth, she sang

Of her only boon. She died near that very river bank

And only the Knight in the shining armor praised out lot

For the lovely corpse of the beautiful Lady of Shalott.

Her hair was damp, on her last cold rainy night.

She had come out in the darkness, to fulfill her only delight.

Her trust, her faith lay all in his bare arms

But he strangled her thrice and kept her warm.

Her perfectly pure and good self did he try to preserve

And he felt perfect when he realized what he truly deserved.

It was no guilt, but guilt was all he might have tamed

Even then Porphyria’s Lover never got himself a name.

I too wanted to have a story so intense and yet so pure

Even if it might end in death, but not too tough to endure.

Today the passion is spent, and now I wish it was not.

I hope someday to find a place from where some love can be bought.

But now the heart is broken and I am looking for my last sleep

I know that I only got what my deeds have truly reaped.

I look forward to see myself in the morning light

As each day goes by and I too am bound to die.