My homage to Sorrow.

Life is funny. Everyday you get to see something new happening around you. Every time you feel you have full control of it, you fail to realize that you don’t. One may not know what lies ahead of this moment. No one knows what a new day may bring for him/her. It is funny to see how each day progresses and how we feel that we are achieving something, but how little do we realize that this progress is towards our very own end. Hardly do we realize that things can end too. We have stupid fights over stupid immaterial things. We hurt each other, we hate this and we hate that, we hate ourselves, and we follow rules just to break a few, everyday we look at the mirror just to ensure that everything is alright. But is everything ever going to be alright once when you have the gift called “Life”.

Strange as it may sound, a positive girl like me speaking about death in such a way. But yesterday itself I had an encounter with death, a peaceful death, in a moment which I don't really know how well to describe. But what seemed funny to me was the fact that after this encounter with death I had to attend a birthday party, celebrations of someone who is happy to be alive[no offence meant]. Such a contradiction in a day itself made me wonder what really I am supposed to do with all of it. I still don’t have an answer to this question and so I sit here and type this all out. Type the supposed story of a “living dead”.

A normal day it was. I was sitting idly on the bench, hardly paying attention to what the person on the dice was speaking about. Perhaps the class was on how Gulliver tried to communicate with the lilliputs, on whose island he had accidentally landed. And that person on the dice was trying to show how Gulliver kept on contradicting himself, saying something and doing completely the opposite of it. Contradictions are an inevitable part of human life. That is what I have learnt after so many days of my survival here. So there I was sitting and staring at my copy, little realizing what exactly might happen in the next moment. I was eagerly waiting for the evening celebrations with my friends, it was one of my friend’s birthday and I was to go there and join her and indulge in the festivity. After this class, I was to leave for the party. I was giving blank looks to my copy and waiting for the class to end soon. But then there was a sound which distracted all of us, including the man on the pedestal. And then a scream was heard. Sitting on the third bench I hardly had a proper view of what exactly had gone wrong which made the girl scream so badly. And then my friend told me that a sparrow had hit itself in the fan which was moving and was supposedly hurt. But the scream I had heard seconds ago had told me a different story. Something wasn’t right and it made my stomach turn inside. There were small feathers flying in the air of that room, a spacious and yet so congested room, over crowded with people who hardly have a purpose of being there.
We had to find out what had happened. That is when this guy stood up to inspect what had happened, we call him “Carpenter” [cause he looks like one and is always ready to mend things even when they don’t need mending]. So he stood up and went forward smiling as always [and I hate that irritating smile of his, its so very God knows what]. He turned to tell his friends that the sparrow was dead and as he said “broken into two”. Did the sparrow had a life or was it a non-living entity? I was confused. But what he did further was more irritating. He took the body of the sparrow [mind you all, without the head] and threw it out of the big window [I wish I could have pushed him from there as well, but I didn’t cause I do have some feelings left] and then he was like- “What should I do now?” I so badly wanted to scream- “go join the dead”. And then he walked a little further and he took the head and threw it out of the window and smilingly [a little annoyingly now] he asked for permission to leave so that he can “wash it off”, “it”…
“Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this blood clean from my hand?”

“All the perfumes in Arabia will not sweeten this little hand. …cleansing blood to wash away that damned spot” [Macbeth]


Irritating and disgusting his act was. This doesn’t means that I expected people to give a proper burial to the small bird but a little respect would have harmed none. Do you expect people to throw you away once you are dead? Well inevitably they will do so, throw you away from their life and your memories, but would you still want it to happen?

The bird must have been a great creature, of that I am sure. Flying high in the air, feeling the breeze in the wings surely would have given the bird [let’s call the bird- Sorrow], a great sense of freedom. Away from all the trivialities of life, not bothering about how it looks or how to best impress others and lie a little more, Sorrow surely must have had a life better than all of ours. And the moment before Sorrow left us all with our own sorrows to look after, I know it was on its peak of success, enjoying its flight when the stupid blades of the very old, dingy and dirty fan hit it, just a small sound and the plight ended in a peaceful death, without any hassles, no pain, no crying, no nothing. There was no voice heard except that of the girl sitting on the first bench who must have screamed because of the brutality of the death, but I am sure she must have not known the peaceful pain of Sorrow, who is by now flying high in the sky, and we can’t see anymore the beautiful flight of the dead bird. It is gone now, with no proper flowers to offer, with no burial, with not a single tear shed on its departure, but only with harsh reality that once you are gone, you are gone forever, even from the lives of the others. Forever…

As a privileged section of animals we enjoy so many things in our lives. From the moment we are born till the moment we die and at times even after our death, we are a lucky lot of beings. We need flowers, and proper burials, people come to pay their last respects [no matter how bad one must have been, the dead are always forgiven and we cry in their loss]. All rubbish, everything is so unreal. Life is so dead...

Well on the same day, I attended a birthday party. A celebration of life, smiling youthful faces made me forget about the little, not so significant incident of the day, and I too was having a good time.


Life is so unpredictable. Live it while we still can, once gone it won’t come back.


By the way the bird supposedly [according to me] died a peaceful death. It happened in a fraction of seconds, no pain, without any troubles. I want to die like that. Reminds me of “Ode to a Nightingale”

“I have been half in love with easeful Death,
…
Now more than ever seems it rich to die,
To cease upon the midnight with no pain,…” [John Keats]

I bid thee adieu oh dear Sorrow. I too was unaware of your presence amongst us until yesterday. You taught me an important lesson, the hard lesson called “Life”. I shall respect it more and shall live it everyday.
Thanks Sorrow for all you stood for and shall always stand for. You have been my inspiration to die, an inspiration to live and love my life until I die.
I shall miss you.

**May your soul rests in peace**

The girl who came here to stay...

The empty streets call her today.
The missing beggar at the corner of the street,
The street lights dim in the month of May.
Will she ever walk again this day?
Will they see her face in dismay?

Those sign boards on those closed doors,
Those voiceless hawkers screaming some more.
Far across this deserted street, she stands,
All alone, not ready yet to cross over
But something calls her out once again.

In a trance shed walks past the empty bar.
She forgets to stay and pay her regards
And walks straight, across the yard.
She walks with little hopes in her heart,
Then why does she stop? Stop so far?

Can she go any further with such a pace?
Can she tell the time with a tickless clock?
She knows what she does, or can she not?
There she goes again, without tears now
But why does the voice still call out to her so loud?

What a lovely moment...

I thought of buying something for you
But what to buy, I had no clue.
I thought of getting some flowers with petals
But my thoughts just won't settle,
And I couldn't find anything admiringly special
Which could show how much you mean to me
So this is what I can afford to give from my heart
A simple promise that I would never let you fall...

Can't get enough

I don’t remember exactly how cultivated the habit of walking. I guess it is in human nature to start walking on their two feet as soon as they learn to know how their body can slide and glide and move with a certain rhythm in it. My mother tells me as a child I had broken three baby-walkers, this itself must tell you all how eager I was about walking and moving here and there. From the very early days of my life I was known as an avid walker. I couldn’t sit for long, I had to walk here and there, to eager not to stop or rest. Walking, running, hopping, jumping comprised the main activities of my life. It was fun and it still is fun.


I remember once during puja holidays in school I went to stay at my uncle’s place with my elder sister. It used to be fun back then when my grandfather was alive and grandmother and us. It was so cool just to be with them. Anyways, so uncle, aunty, us and my cousins decided to go pandal hopping. Known for his misery attitude everyone knew that uncle would make everyone walk. :-P Everyone was soon tired off because of the walk and moreover the stamping crowd. But I remember being able to walk so comfortably. This is one of my long walks which I remember. It was fun to watch others walk past you, you walking past a few. And looking at others, being looked at, it was so different. Then I remember the long evening walks we used to have in our first house. It was the best place on earth, if given a choice I would love to go back there and live the rest of my life. In the evenings after dad and mom would return from their work and we would finish off our homework and early dinner, we all would lock the front doors and leave for our evening walks together. I don’t remember Goldie [our first dog] much in the walks but when I look back at those memories I can see myself running around with Tuffy [our second dog].It was so fun, both of us, me and Tuffy would run here and there, race with each other and as soon as some stupid street dog would come to attack him he would run towards me and I, hardly in class 2 or 3 would run for his protection. And I still remember beating up these pair of dogs who were successful in attacking my dear hero. I still miss him, he was my best friend. I don’t remember ever being alone back then. Tuffy was always there with me. And I remember how we would play hide and seek and whenever there was waterlog in front of our house, both of us would go crazy. He would run here and there and I would run after him, even my elder sister would join us in. it was so much fun. And then when in class 3 I guess I started going to school on my own, it wasn’t far, and would come back home, he would jump over me and our celebrations wouldn’t end ever. It was fun back then.
And then there was those early morning walks when dad would wake us all up and take us to the park before sunrise. And all four of us along with Tuffy would watch the sun rise and I would go crazy in the small rides, and especially the slide where I and Tuffy would jump in together and he would actually slide down. Then at times there were lonely walks as well. I would go out on my own and walk about here and there. I would even go out in the market all alone. It was all so much fun for me. The place we used to live in was blessed with nature’s bounty and it was so green and pure and quiet and serene. I remember the inner peace we all had there and how much we all used to walk.

Then there were those days when I would walk to follow. Those were also fun. My grandfather walking in front of me and me running behind him trying to keep up with his pace. He would go to a thousand places in a single day and he was the only person who could tire me off of walking. I still remember whenever he used to come to our place on weekends, he would get those chocolate cookies for me and I would go crazy after them. Then he would get me stationary stuff as well and those scented pens and smart note books and all. Gosh, I miss him.

Then there was a time when I was again walking alone. Those walk where from the bus-stop to my school. Three years of lonesome walks made me a lot stronger than what I was earlier. A lot of things changed in me since my first walk. The hazy pictures were clearing now and there were different and new avenues to be explored within my own self. The next two years I didn’t walk much, didn’t had to because there was always someone beside me walking or holding my hand. Great years they were.

Then college life. Was really scared of walking all alone once again. I knew things are never going to be the same. Oh by the way, I had lost Tuffy by now and there was no hero in my life. In fact I believe that there cannot be another hero for me. He was the best and he is an inspiration for me. A dog and an inspiration is a little weird but he is always with me. Anyways in my first year, I did most of my walking all alone. I was scared but strong enough never to give in. these days were nice also, cause even in my loneliness my thoughts always gave me company. Then the second year and came in people who never left my side. Even in third year there were people around me walking with me always. Miss you all dear. By the first year came Dodo[our 3rd dog], my birthday gift, and we never got get along. Guess I was scared if he would take Tuffy's place in my life. In 2nd year DJ [our 4th dog] came into our lives. He is awesome, my baby and my sweetheart, I just love to pamper him. :D

For my birthday treat we all had gone to Forum that was one of the most happening days of my life. My parents were supposed to pick me up in the evening from outside of the college gate so we had to return from Forum back to the car. The walk from Forum till the college in the evening was awesome. I got such great friends. My first walk in college with friends who are still there with me. Since then I had a lot of walks with A, G and P. it was fun, it felt like I too have people with me who care. :-) thanks guys. Love you all. I remember the day I had to stay back in college for this union meeting and it was really getting late. Jon and Aubhi were there with me. And the walk back with Jon where both of us were literally running was awesome. That was the day when I and Jon connected and I came to know some great things about the guy and actually me we both realized how well we understand each other. Miss you too mate. Then came new friends in third year with whom I went for lots of shopping. There was always Pallavi with me from the first year and then came more friends. Pallavi and I used to have a blast together. We were just together walking, talking, and having a great time. Miss you too dear >:D<
Walk with Neel is also memorable. Walks with Arpita was fun and interesting, got to learn a lot of abuses from her. :D

I miss my walks these days… but I haven’t given up still…



There are more walks still left to be undertaken. There are still streets left for me to cover. There are lots of people I still haven’t had a chance to walk with. I am ready for the walks. I am ready for the new changes. I am ready to walk some more.

Jaane tu mera kya hai???

It is so strange that at times I wonder how life turns out to be, how we meet people and how special they become suddenly and in a flash of a moment you realize how wonderful life is with them. And by God’s grace I too have found such special people in my life. And they are all wonderful… believe me; life is wonderful with them around me.

This blog out here is a special dedication to all such people in my life. I thoughtI would not take any names,still I mention a few. But must also tell everyone how lucky I feel with such awesome and superb people around me. They not just are there with me, but understand me, my needs, my likes and my dislikes so well. They not just give a hand to me when I am sad or alone but they never leave my hand even when I am on the top of the world. I am simply lucky to have so many people who care so much for me…

Each one of you are so very special to me… its wonderful to have you all.
And what’s best is that I don’t have to be something I am not in front of them. I am the small child I always want to be, laughing, crying, going crazy, doing what I do best- be myself. :-)

And seriously each one of you is special to me and I shall treasure you guys forever in my heart.


Handsome [Fishy Guy]
Superkool [ Nahor]


Ruja[Teddy]
Nurav [Nura]
H MMMMM.......



You guys have always been there with me… its awesome to have people like you in my life. We might not have met but someday I seriously hope that we do. Till then the hope is always there that someday our paths might cross.



Samster
Amit
Pallu
Aunty
GG
Auchi
Jon
Neel
Poulo
Sharmi
Ajju
Kartikeya
Torsa
Soumana
Moinak
Kunal
Shibz
Aatreyee
[sorry if I miss out on names and the names are in no serial order]

I have so many names to mention… but I don’t know how well to thank you guys for what you all have done for me at one point of time. Its great, seriously to be with you all.

There were times when I cried, there were times when I was hurt and I am sure it was the same with you guys, but I can never forget and thank you all enough for whatever you all have done for me. You have been a pillar for support, a hand to guide me, the light in my darkness. I just don't have enough words to describe any of it. And no matter where we stand today, each one of you is special to me for so many reasons. I seriously have been blessed with some of the best people in the world.


And your memories shall always be cherished, those moments shall always be remembered.


Take care my friends.
Love you all

:*
:*
:*
>:D<

I'm dreaming...

The heart of gold,
With those sparkling eyes.
A dimple which makes up for my smile,
He is my frn...
Not for a day but for a lifetime.