The Search

It all started in the month of May
Lilacs, roses and me, all in dismay.
The search was peaceful in the month of June
No affections to display and everything in tune.
And then came the colorful month of July
With colors and fragrance all alike.
The magic in the voice was all I felt,
A warmth, sincerity and all the care.
We connected all over, felt the closest
And yet physically we were to tend.
Those endless chats, calls, and promises anew
It was the month of August, our sweet rendezvous.
And then came a marvelous September
A random walk on a cozy Sunday.
Those stolen kisses, and the hug so tight
The hands together, and the naughty little smile.
And here I sit and go through the thread
Of precious moments intertwined.
That is how long I took to find
To trust you and to walk beside.

Search ends,
A lifetime begins...


[September 5: On route to Bangalore from Mumbai, a comparatively empty flight, with no good company, I end up writing this. To be frank, the original version was not that good, a rough sketch of what I had in mind. So this is the edited version, much pleasant to the eyes and the ears and somehow I managed to get the words right. Well all thanks to my Muse. Ya, finally my Muse has been replaced and has inspired me to write after really a long time. I look forward to being inspired, to being loved, to being cared for, so that I can write more. Too much pressure on my Muse. But little does he know that I feel inspired around him, that I feel alive once again. A dedication to my SuperMan, my Muse.]

New Feelings

And to always think of one's own self is what we humans tend to do. But being with someone, understanding someone, respecting that someone at times may prove different and at times difficult. From the very childhood we are bought up with our parents, our siblings, cousins. And so over time we respect, understand each other. Suddenly one day someone comes across and becomes even more important than all those who have been by your side all this while. And how do we react then? How do we cope with this sudden change, with the affections and loyalties changing.

Well I am obviously talking about a Life Partner we chose (most of the times) for ourselves. Suddenly he/she becomes the most important of them all, but it takes a little time to understand and to share a part of yourself with them.

I always screw up big time when it comes to this. I become protective of my family, of myself, of everything I have and I hate sharing it. I know it is difficult, but somehow my feelings and emotions stay within myself. And I just can't share myself with anyone. I somehow have these trust issues lately which I am slowly and steadily realizing and somehow I just can't stand anyone standing up for me. I have seen so many standing up and throwing me down, that now I find it difficult to even acknowledge anyone can ever be good to me without having any purpose to fulfill.

This made me realize why I have not had too many friends in Bangalore also. But somehow life is peaceful that way. We humans (including myself very much) are selfish and this essential nature leads to the Darwin's theory of Survival of the Fittest. So many of it is interlinked with each other that I wonder where I stand. A small speck in the world full of nothing.

But I have to open up. Its time to acknowledge other's feelings also, take into consideration that 2 people can share their lives together and be good to each other. Hurt is a part of the process, but it is not the process as a whole. I am learning each day, and believe me no matter how weird or strange I may feel, I am trying my best. A lot is to be achieved. I am way far than what I thought I had reached. But I am trying my best to reach there. Fingers crossed.

At times it is necessary also, to be upset with each other, to have mood swings, It only helps to grow and makes you stronger in the process. Let's see how all of this turns out for me. All the very best to me. This new phase of life...

The Tulips...

I didn’t want any flowers, I only wanted 

To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty. 

How free it is, you have no idea how free—— 

The peacefulness is so big it dazes you, 

And it asks nothing ...

These amazing lines from Sylvia Plath's famous poem - TULIPS have been haunting me for quite sometime now and I thought it is time for me to write about them. 

As a school kid, I would always be fascinated with any names beginning with the alphabet T. Well in all honesty, I love myself, my name and what I am. And since my name begins with the alphabet T, it was only but natural for me to look for names beginning with the same alphabet. And amongst the many names I heard, one name appealed to me the most. I know it is a mere coincidence, but somehow the name Tulip stayed with me. And I love the sound of it. The mere word being associated with a flower, made it all the more special. And here I was in High School, reading a poem about the same name I loved so much. But this is no happy poem. Let me not go any deeper to the mood and current situation of the writer. But the above mentioned lines, they somehow stir something inside of me and make me feel so at peace and yet so uncomfortable at the same time. And here I am trying to understand what these lines mean to me in particular.

Living in an eternal state of nothingness would be such an boon. I wish I personified in this very nothingness. Away from all the shams and falseness of the people and the world around me. Maybe an invisible beam, who sees all, perceives all but feels nothing. Slowly but steadily I am moving towards this very state. Let's hope and pray I achieve this state as soon as possible. I am done with everything and everyone around me. I feel like exploring a new city, exploring myself a little more and not having to make anymore friends. I want to give up on the very social norm of having to meet people and having to greet them, put on this fake smile and pretend everything is fine when nothing ever is. I hate people with no depth, no backbone and no common sense. I am so irritated with everyone around me, that lately I have not been able to think straight. But it is time, I change that and I come back to being myself. Definitely not in office, but away and out from that cursed place, I know I enjoy my company and I love spending time with myself. Why waste time and money on those who don't even care. I know for sure I love myself.

I guess I said a lot more than I was supposed to. Some of it would have made sense, most of it would have been just words with no meaning at all.

To the time we meet again.

A Few Good Humans...

Well I do realize I have changed the title as per the need of the hour. It is better to generalize than to take sides of either of the sexes. All I want now is to find a few good Human Beings who can understand and not just fake it.

To begin with, I used to think only Punjabis are shallow minded when it comes to the skin tone or complexion of their daughter-in-laws. But the more I travel, the more I learn. It is a human mentality to think that the complexion of the daughter-in-law will inevitably be bestowed upon the future generations. Hence the reason for a fairer looking Daughter-in-law, even though the son may look like a Chimpanzee. Well I should not be generalizing, but over these past few years, I have come across such shallow and pointless notions. But I did not understand the gravity of it, till the time I had to face the ordeal for myself. And damn, that did hurt.

I wonder how shallow our society has become, running after color, caste, creed and religion. Even in such modern times, we are still stuck with the stupid notions of the Cave Days. But somehow I believe life in a Cave would have been much more simpler than living in this modern day reality, the concrete jungle.

I know I am discussing something very personal to me, but I thought if I am facing this, I am sure there will be many more women who must be going through the same everyday and maybe my experience may help them in someway. I know I am just an ordinary person, but there have been people in my life who made this ordinary person feel so very extra ordinary. And even though some may not be here with me right now, I know their prayers and good wishes will always be with me.

Well from a very young age, my distant relatives have had this question mark in their mind. Not because of anything serious or political or economical, but because of my skin tone, or my complexion. There is a major chunk of my family who is not aware of the polio drops incident and I would rather leave it there. So from the day I gained consciousness, there has been this sense of unease and discomfort around those relatives. As time passed, I have even come across people who have not hesitated in telling me on my face that I am ugly looking. Every time they end up comparing me with my sister, little realizing that we are 2 very different people. Nonetheless as a kid, believe me I gave a damn to such comments. And I so wish I could have been that carefree kid again. But once when I got to see the real world around me, when I got to understand how this pitiful society works, I realized that no matter how good, or considerate I may be, even if I am a Topper, as long as my complexion is dark, I cannot be associated with anything good.

And here comes the most important person of my life, my friend, my mentor, my guide, my motivator, my inspiration, my everything, my sweet dear Grandmother, my Chaiji. Oh, how I miss her each day. I know no one is perfect in this world, and I am sure Chaiji may have had her shares of  ups and downs. But for me, she is and she will always be PERFECTION. How well has she managed the entire clan and her own kids. Among-st the first convent educated females in India, and a First Class holder, she was so down to earth and such a genuine human being. Mere words cannot describe how and what I feel for her even today that she is no longer with us. Chaiji was married to this handsome, fair looking man, my Grandfather, my Daddyji. And how Chaiji used to say, color doesn't matter. Her father-in-law saw the simplicity in her and choose her for his first born (the handsomest of his sons). And Daddyji never once let Chaiji think she is not as good looking as he is. And that is the kind of relationship I wanted (tough luck). And so every time I would be down and worried about my complexion, well I obviously discussed everything with her, all she would say is, that I have a beautiful heart and a pure soul. I used to get angry saying, no one can see that so how can they judge me. And she would just smile and say, someday someone will. How much I miss that woman in my life. She used to lift my spirit up just with her smile. I remember when I got my tattoo done, everyone in the house were angry but Chaiji supported me and smiling said even she has one. But yes if I was wrong, she would always be the first person to scold me and she ensured that I make amends. With her around life was so peaceful and smooth and just so happy and positive. I miss you Chaiji and I miss you Daddyji. ALWAYS!

But somehow I ended up with the same age old controversy of having a dark complexion and hence a dark soul and hence dark kids in the future. I wonder if all these people have some special powers to visual what will happen in the future. And yet they will always speculate.

I have given up on humanity and I have given up on people. They will be nice to you as long as you serve their purpose and the moment you are useless to them, you are dead. I do miss the friend circle I had back in Kolkata. I miss the friendly hugs and the friendly gestures from people around me. I miss feeling good about myself. Here in Bangalore, if I smile everyone will try and find ways and means to ensure my smile doesn't spread and rather I sit back and cry. But this too is a phase of life, which will pass eventually. Even though I desperately want this phase to get over with, but I know gradually it will be gone.

I guess for this lifetime, I have met my quota of good humans. Cheers to another life. Hopefully I would not be such a disappointment to all and I would not get disappointed by all.

Dedicated to a Few Good Humans...

A Few Good Men...

What a beginning I had in mind and what a beginning I am going to give it.

No Good Men at all or should I say very few good men left.

I had never thought that I would use the title of this movie, but here I am writing about the few men I have in my life currently and how my life seems to revolve around them.

To begin with Kumar, the sweet boy from a small town, struggling in a metro city to make a name for himself. No doubts he is a great dancer and I absolutely respect and admire him for all the efforts he puts day in and day out. But lately life has been tough to him, all I can hope for is a good and peaceful life and lots of success.

Rahul, I call him the crazy one because he is indeed crazy. We are related in no way and yet we shared so much. I feel like I am the elder sister and I do feel responsible for him. Give him the health he deserves, let him live his life as well.

I did initially think, I would speak about a couple more, but then I don't want to jinx it again. Whosoever I have spoken about in this blog has eventually left and gone. Let's see how long it takes for these to leave.

But few good men are left on earth it seems. Rest all want to just be there, make a move, irritate, irate and stare. Who stops at stares, reports of rape, molestation is only common happening these days. So will it be wrong to say that a girl needs to protect herself all alone. Even when I was in a relationship, it was strange how I never felt secured when others stared at me. Others would push me by and yet there was no reaction. Makes me realize how right Papa were and Papa still is. I miss him and I miss home.

I miss the feeling of being around people I can be myself with. Well to be frank and honest, I always wanted to be in a city where no one knows me and where I can have an identity of my own. I do not regret being here but I miss the warmth of people around me. Everyone is selfish and everyone seems to be friends for a purpose. Purpose solved, friendship dissolved. Very convenient it sounds. Men or women, all alike and I am in the middle of all this confusion. The worst part, they don't even realize, they hurt and move on.

A few good men are lost in this world and I find no other way to find them. 

Frankly speaking I was working on this piece for a long time in my mind and I never thought it would come out so negative. But that is exactly how I am feeling right now. This was going to be a positive note. But everything happens for a reason and now I know the reason - there should be no HOPE. Hope is DEAD! and Dead she is.

NPSSBS

So here are the 3 years of my Junior High (8,9 and 10). I changed schools, obviously I had to. I was forced to. I remember hating the very thought of having the leave the known classes, the known teachers, the known faces and having to adapt to a new environment, but I realize now it was for my very own good.

On the recommendation of my Mom's friend, Mom made me join this school in Class 8 itself. Oh, how much I hated being a part of the new place.The uniform color was weird. It was a Co-Ed School, I have always been Co-ed School, so boys was no big deal. The problem here was that no one knew me. I had to make friends on my own. And the very first week, I had no one talking to besides the Teachers and my Classmate - Ritu. Later came Payel and Moumita. But I remember clearly it being Ritu.

However the reason for me remembering the school is nothing much, then the freedom I had to travel up and down in Public Bus while I was in Class 9 and 10. According to Dad, it was one direct bus and it was time for me to become street smart. So me, along with one of my friend, Priyanka, each day after school, we used to walk back to the bus stop and wait for the bus. Some days she would get a bus before me and other days I would get a bus before her. It was right here in the bus stop another school bus would also come and there was this guy, I am quite sure he was my Senior, who used to stare at us. For obvious reasons, I knew he was staring at Priyanka. She was not only fair and tall, but was beautiful and had these amazingly big and appealing eyes. And me on the other hand, tall, with short hair, an absolute tomboy. So the first couple of times, I thought he was obviously eyeing Priyanka, I hardly ever paid attention. Until the day I saw him board the same public bus as me. I don't know when or how he got to know, but he would always board the same bus as me.

Well travelling back home for me was exciting task as I would end up meeting one of my neighbors and they would inevitably pay for my bus tickets and I would end up saving my pocket money. But I started looking out for this guy too. He was taller than me, he was fair and had an athletic built. However I reckon he ever played sports, he looked more of a nerd than of a sportsperson. And above all, his smile was so very cute and he got dimples every time he would smile at me. I know had it been any other girl, I am sure she would have proposed to him. But as it was me, poor guy must have suffered a lot.

During those days, I hated boys. I just could not stand the boys in my class and I was in general of the opinion that all guys are stupid and hence should be avoided. But I would look forward to the time when I would board the bus for my specs guy. See, there I begin the unprecedented attraction I have for guys in specs (later it was obviously Chasmish from HSBC).

I clearly remember this one time, when 2 buses were trying to overtake each other and I out of my laziness avoided boarding either of the buses. I waited almost 10-15 minutes to board another bus. And to my surprise, he too waited and he boarded the same exact bus as me. I was shocked, but he just smiled. Oh! how stupid of me never ever to speak to him. And coincidentally we sat together. But all I could do was look outside the window and he kept staring at me. Now I realize how very stupid I had been as a child. Not exactly stupid, but innocent. At that point, I was very virtuous and also naive, and for me I believed in love, but it should be love till the end, no time pass for me. He could have been my first boyfriend, but I had to wait till University to get my heart broken. By then I would have been a pro or who knows, if he was the one guy I would have got married to.

Nonetheless, I seem to have deviated to the wonderland again. Back to reality. Our bus rides went on for almost a year. I told you he was a senior and I am sure once he finished his High School, he moved on. And I never got to see him again. But I did miss him. I would never admit it to my friend, Priyanka, my only friend who knew about him. But I did miss him. And I miss him still. Somehow I miss a person looking out for me. I miss the person who ensures I am safe. I miss the smile which lightens up my mood and brightens up my day. A face of a stranger who appears to be like my very own. Who knows, he may have been my soulmate. The one year, us travelling together, not so many coincidences could have been possible. But I missed my chance.

I know I am all strong and so very independent, that I intimidate people and especially the guys around me. But I am yet to find a guy who can look me in the eye and know who I really am. The people I relied on, the people I thought would be a friend for life, those were the ones to show their back and run off at the first instance. So my search continues, soulmate or no soulmate, a life partner awaits for me. And I hope the poor guy has enough warning before he gets to be by my side.

Thank You Bhagwanji for showing such amazing days. And I am Sorry for not being able to realize about them earlier. I am grateful to You for everything. Keep Smiling and Keep Loving Me (I know You always do). Love You!