Will there ever be an end???

I find it strange that nothing has an end. There is no end to anything. Even death doesn't stop anything. Well Daddyji passed away, nothing stopped. He was not there with us but did that stop us from living our lives? Yes, there was pain, there was hurt and regrets, but for how long? Nothing has an end to it. For him perhaps everything came to an end, but if we look at the bigger picture, did anything stop? Same goes for Chaiji, it is almost 6 months, damn 6 whole months without her when she couldn't even stay 6 hours away from us. But has this made any difference in our lives? Aren't we still breathing, still slogging to stay above the water?

Basically there is no end. The sun will rise, the rain will fall, the stars will shine, the flowers will bloom. As for people they will be back to their mundane lives, the many routines they so rigorously follow. So will it make any difference if I am not here? I guess for a few days it will but after that everything will be normal.

After whatever happened I guess it is time for me to bid my farewell. I have tortured everyone enough and I guess in this whole process I myself have become more bitter and I cannot control my anger anymore. Ignorance is bliss and I so wish for ignorance. But unfortunately I am the only one who seems to know everything and yet cannot ignore it. I am the one who suffers in silence the brunt of this undeniable truth. I am the one who should die with a million secrets in my heart. And oh! how much I wish to end all of this. How much I wish life would show me the end I want to. But if only I had strength enough, I lack the essential courage for it. Even though I had planned a couple of things in my mind, seems like nothing works in my favor ever. This time it has to happen. I need to be away from everyone. I must have the courage to leave and live the life I truly deserve for a change. I need to runaway. I have no idea as to where and how, but the day is coming soon.

I never expected the door to open right on my face that is still hurts. I didn't want to bruises to show. I didn't want to flaunt my wounds to anyone and so it shall be. I will be the closed book I have been for ages. No more friends, no more sharing of myself with others and no more trusting people. It is time for me to learn my lessons and to move on in life. I want to leave everything behind me and I want to move on. But why is it so difficult, why it seems impossible? I ain't the one to be scared of others, but somehow I am. I am scared of the very thought that people will hurt me again, they will use me and throw me away, they will call me names and not bother about it. It is time for me to move on, but how I do not know.

I have to find my end. I have to find a way to be away from everything and everyone. Bhagwanji help me. I have no strength in me anymore to live like this. I have endured a lot of changes and have taken up a lot of things I never thought I would ever have to. But I need this all to end. Please give me strength enough so that I can leave everything behind me. Give me the courage to leave with a smile and let others be in peace. I know death is not an option for me, but help me find a way to leave without having to make others feel sad. Help me move on.... Help me find an end...

Wrong Notions...

I am really shocked and appalled at this. Just because I am single and currently dating no one doesn't mean that I am available for stupid pointless flings. How can people even think like that? Do I look like someone who will sleep around with people for fun? Or do I look like someone who is easy to be taken and conquered in the bed? Seriously I feel violated. I wish to slap these people right across their faces. But then why should I dirty my hands for such creeps. I know anyways they will talk about me behind my back and contribute to the million rumors which are already doing their rounds about me. I seriously am doubting myself now. How else should I carry on with my life and these rubbish things in my life?

I am done explaining myself to such shit heads. They will anyways presume and assume what they want to, what is easier for them to digest. It would definitely will be hard for them to know the innermost secrets of my life and myself. They want to see me in the arms of other men, any men just for the sake of their stupid amusement. For them I am only a source of entertainment and not a human being who breathes and unfortunately has feelings. I seriously am feeling so depressed I don't know what I should expect next. I wanted life to surprise me, I hoped it would be pleasant surprises now and then. But I guess my life loves the excitement and only surprises me for the worst. If only things weren't this crazy, I guess I would have been the sanest person around.

And the worst part, the people who spread these rubbish rumors are those for whom I truly cared. And I don't want to question anyone. What should I ask them? They own me nothing, no explanation no friendship. But yes they do own themselves entertainment, be it on the expense of others. It feels like I am a part of others amusement and entertainment and they think not that I too may have feelings, that I too am capable of getting hurt. But then this is what I deserve. I have caused troubles for a number of people, so this perhaps is my turn to face the consequences of it.

Expecting love and friendship from others is something I should have done away with a long time ago. But this stupid heart still hopes, still beats, still feels. Oh! but how I want this heart just to stop. I would rather be dead than to face such wrong notions about people. I am done trying to be strong, trying to face these rubbish accusations, trying to pretend that everything is fine. I want all this to end. Please Bhagwanji, if only you are listening, and I know you are, make it the end of all wrong notions, not just of others but of me too. Please end all of this, end me... Let peace be with all with this end.

Just tired of all the wrong notions. 

The one who reigns...

The confusion reigns

The thoughts remain

The sorrows and that pain

The worries and this strain

The lost trust

The lies which rust

The love which dies

The troubles in vain

Oh! and this confusion reigns

Those smiles which hide

A million sorrows inside

Those tears which fail

To shed beside

The hands which move

Looking out for you

The eyes which see

An empty space beneath

Oh! and this confusion reigns

The miss and touch

That nod and hush

Those whispers and winks

And then brightness sinks

The darkness around

The fear of the sound

The last good bye

And I still manage to smile

Oh! and this confusion reigns.

Should I miss you or not?

Should I laugh out loud?

Should I scream and shout?

Or should I just howl?

I miss you

I always do

Hope you are safe

Heaven is for you

Oh! the love begins…

And it is to reign…

Dedicated to my Chaiji and Daddyji...!!!

<3 p="">

Complicated confusions...

Well after a lot of thinking I came up with this title for my blog. What to do, haven't written for quite sometime and now things are royally complicated as well as confusing. So what better than Complicated Confusions. It only goes on to show how royally screwed I am and my life can be.

To begin with these morning shifts I am doing. It actually feels like I am in a Government Job or something but I am slogging my ass like a crazy corporate fanatic. I can't go for movies, weekends the prices are horrible. I can't go out before or after shift. Even parents are facing problems. I don't know how people prefer morning shifts. I am so very much missing my night shifts and most importantly my night shift allowance. Moreover these shitty morning shifts are so damn expensive. I end up spending more than I have ever done in my entire career. But I can see my crush because of these morning shifts. Damn Man... you are a great inspiration for me to work. Thank you man for being there, even though I do not exist for you, you are very much a part of my smiles in office.

And because of this stupid shift, I cannot meet most of my friends who are either in night shifts or are as busy as I am. The only thing good about this is the week offs, I get to spend with my family. And imagine me cooking for everyone. Isn't that the biggest achievement of all. But it again adds to my complication, now I have the added responsibility of ensuring no one sleeps with an empty stomach. So I have to prepare food and serve it at the right time for everyone. Wow increases my responsibility and hence more confusions.

Then since I am kind of away from my friends I have to make new ones and that is where the whole plot of complicated confusion thickens. This whole pretending to be friends and bitching behind my back really gets onto my nerves. But the fact is when people speak bad things about you behind your back,it doesn't reflect your character as much as it speaks about their true nature. But who am I to judge? I myself am no angel with wings. But atleast I don't pretend to like someone just for the sake of it. And I would really appreciate if people do the same. As if that is ever going to happen.

I miss my friends a hell lot. Guys, I just wish this shift ends soon. I am done trying to sit quietly and do my work.

The worst part, yesterday I realized that I still haven't expressed myself completely on losing Chaiji. Oh! How much I miss you each day. I remember you always being there when I am in pain, trying to calm me and making me fall asleep. I remember how you would always encourage me to be myself and not to change for others. For the first time yesterday I cried for you Chaiji. I still have so much to say to you but I can't. I just hope Daddyji is not angry on me. Let him know that I miss him too. You both have been the best part of my life and I wish and pray that I get you both as my parents in my next life, only if I am not born as an animal slaughtered in the meat shop.

I want to start dating again. But I seriously cannot trust anyone anymore. I have lost that essential quality of trusting others. And Justin says that is for my very own good. According to him the more easily I trust people the more people will take me for granted. Well he definitely has a point. Non- arguable. Because of my past horrendous experiences I fail to debate with him. But it really is becoming a challenge for me now to trust anyone at all. Maybe for my very own good.

I am still confused and it is getting complicated by the day. Please let the day come soon. I so don't want to breathe anymore. I so want to end it all here. I so want to give up. I am done being the strong one. I want to be the weakest of all, the sickest of all, dead of all.......

Change....

Change is the only thing constant. Well a true saying indeed and who so ever has failed to realize the importance of this very statement is the biggest fool alive. Change is something which happens every second of life and it is inevitable. We cannot predict it but we know it is there, waiting for us to relax and then bring about the change.

I too have changed a hell lot over the past few months. I have stopped trusting people for once. Thank God for that because I am done with people hurting me every now and then and taking me for granted. Frankly speaking everyone is selfish and it is not wrong to think of yourself before you can think of others. Nonetheless this change is for my very own good. Another drastic change has come in the fact that I am cooking these days. And not just chapatis or paranthas, but proper edible food.

I have prepared dal, a simple yet tasty dish. At least I found it to be tasty. Then ALOO BHAJA, my very own favorite, was a little spicy for my taste yet it was tasty for someone who has not cooked in her entire life. Bhindi, not a personal favorite, yet I tried making it and believe me it actually worked. I am so taken aback by my own abilities to cook. That I know I can do it too now. Though I do not want to cook on a regular basis because the very nature of cooking abhors me. And see how the tables have turn that now I myself have to indulge in this very act of cooking. Also I made Kaale Channe, the typical Punjabi style. I was impressed by the very outcome of the dish. It was not just true to its Punjabi nature but was spicy and damn tasty. A little too spicy for my personal taste, but luckily my Dad could afford to have it. I can't wait to flaunt my cooking skills in front of Mom too. Let her come back and she will get the most pleasant surprise of her life. Had Chaiji been here, she would have been so very proud of me. I wish I could have made something for you as well. Nonetheless I know you are watching over me and you will ensure that I do not serve raw and uncooked meal in front of your son.

Now I know how difficult it is being a working woman, looking after both house and work. Let us see what life has in store for me. Till then I shall continue with my experiments in cooking and hopefully no one will fall sick after tasting it.

Life and its death...

For the past few weeks all I could think of was Death. Well I failed to voice my thoughts to anyone but today somehow I decided that I would update my blog with this very idea of Death. And look what Life had in surprise for me. Just when I was about to sit and start updating my blog, we receive the news that my uncle (Chote Mamaji) has passed away. Even though I may not have been close to him but it surely came as a shock. My mom's brother is no more and I just knew how mom would be feeling at this point of time. Well Life makes us struggle so much and see where we all end. I wish and pray that Mamaji wherever you are please be happy and do not take unnecessary tensions. Your kids have all grown up and are well settled in life. Leave with a happy heart and do not be sad. I know you will be duly missed, your numerous talks, your quirky jokes, those uncountable moments spent with you will always be cherish and remembered. Just ensure that you are safe and happy.

I do not have many memories with my Mamaji because whenever we used to be in Delhi, he would be out touring for his work. But occasionally I do remember getting the scolding from him when we kids would run around the house and create chaos every now and then. And he was the only son who took care of my Granny, Mataji. But Mamaji no matter how absent you may have been for us, for the family you were always there, standing through thick and thin. You kept the family together and I respect you for that. Please have a safe journey and give my regards to everyone you meet.

Lately I was thinking how easy life would be for many if I was dead. Be it family or friends, I have been an unnecessary cause of trouble for many and it would be for the best I believe. It is weird to see how friends change just because you perform well and you are appreciated for it. Since those stupid old school days I have seen this very weird trait in human beings and yet I have ignored them time and again. It actually hurts to see that your friends are jealous of you. I remember when I got through SXC, how badly I prayed to Bhagwanji so that one of my friends too could join me. Then it was CU, and I cried when I saw that none of my friends were selected. And the funny bit about it is that I am tagged as selfish. When people have only been using me for credit, merits or money, I believe that there exists something greater called friendship. Well it is all a sham and I am done trying to be friends with such people. I am done being judged every now and then, being questioned about unnecessary events, being hated by all. I just want to be myself, away from everyone, just I me and myself. I just want to die. And I seriously donot care about my ending, all I care about is how fast I can reach there.

Well I will be digressing a hell lot in this blog of mine. Yesterday night I dreamt of my crush Chashmish (from office) and we were married and a lot of things which I don’t remember. But strangely enough I remember him hugging me tightly, remember the hug I so passionately talk about. I remember him smiling at me and taking care of me. I remember his specs and those beautiful eyes staring down at me. It all felt so real, his voice, his touch, he himself. And I wonder if he even knows that I exist. Chashmish, you have been a muse for me for quite sometime now and now I dare to write about you as well. You have inspired hope in me in so many ways you are not even aware about. But hopefully someday when you look at me, you will see that you are admired.

Another revelation I heard was that after my break-up people consider me to be bi-sexual. OMG!!! That is such a stupid and rubbish rumor. I know I am straight and no matter how much I may joke around with my girl-friends, they will always be friends and nothing more than that. As for guys, well I do love athletic tall smart and caring guys. Anyone out there reading this post and interested, please do let me know. Till then Taylor Lautner you shall always be in my heart my love.