Complicated confusions...

Well after a lot of thinking I came up with this title for my blog. What to do, haven't written for quite sometime and now things are royally complicated as well as confusing. So what better than Complicated Confusions. It only goes on to show how royally screwed I am and my life can be.

To begin with these morning shifts I am doing. It actually feels like I am in a Government Job or something but I am slogging my ass like a crazy corporate fanatic. I can't go for movies, weekends the prices are horrible. I can't go out before or after shift. Even parents are facing problems. I don't know how people prefer morning shifts. I am so very much missing my night shifts and most importantly my night shift allowance. Moreover these shitty morning shifts are so damn expensive. I end up spending more than I have ever done in my entire career. But I can see my crush because of these morning shifts. Damn Man... you are a great inspiration for me to work. Thank you man for being there, even though I do not exist for you, you are very much a part of my smiles in office.

And because of this stupid shift, I cannot meet most of my friends who are either in night shifts or are as busy as I am. The only thing good about this is the week offs, I get to spend with my family. And imagine me cooking for everyone. Isn't that the biggest achievement of all. But it again adds to my complication, now I have the added responsibility of ensuring no one sleeps with an empty stomach. So I have to prepare food and serve it at the right time for everyone. Wow increases my responsibility and hence more confusions.

Then since I am kind of away from my friends I have to make new ones and that is where the whole plot of complicated confusion thickens. This whole pretending to be friends and bitching behind my back really gets onto my nerves. But the fact is when people speak bad things about you behind your back,it doesn't reflect your character as much as it speaks about their true nature. But who am I to judge? I myself am no angel with wings. But atleast I don't pretend to like someone just for the sake of it. And I would really appreciate if people do the same. As if that is ever going to happen.

I miss my friends a hell lot. Guys, I just wish this shift ends soon. I am done trying to sit quietly and do my work.

The worst part, yesterday I realized that I still haven't expressed myself completely on losing Chaiji. Oh! How much I miss you each day. I remember you always being there when I am in pain, trying to calm me and making me fall asleep. I remember how you would always encourage me to be myself and not to change for others. For the first time yesterday I cried for you Chaiji. I still have so much to say to you but I can't. I just hope Daddyji is not angry on me. Let him know that I miss him too. You both have been the best part of my life and I wish and pray that I get you both as my parents in my next life, only if I am not born as an animal slaughtered in the meat shop.

I want to start dating again. But I seriously cannot trust anyone anymore. I have lost that essential quality of trusting others. And Justin says that is for my very own good. According to him the more easily I trust people the more people will take me for granted. Well he definitely has a point. Non- arguable. Because of my past horrendous experiences I fail to debate with him. But it really is becoming a challenge for me now to trust anyone at all. Maybe for my very own good.

I am still confused and it is getting complicated by the day. Please let the day come soon. I so don't want to breathe anymore. I so want to end it all here. I so want to give up. I am done being the strong one. I want to be the weakest of all, the sickest of all, dead of all.......

Change....

Change is the only thing constant. Well a true saying indeed and who so ever has failed to realize the importance of this very statement is the biggest fool alive. Change is something which happens every second of life and it is inevitable. We cannot predict it but we know it is there, waiting for us to relax and then bring about the change.

I too have changed a hell lot over the past few months. I have stopped trusting people for once. Thank God for that because I am done with people hurting me every now and then and taking me for granted. Frankly speaking everyone is selfish and it is not wrong to think of yourself before you can think of others. Nonetheless this change is for my very own good. Another drastic change has come in the fact that I am cooking these days. And not just chapatis or paranthas, but proper edible food.

I have prepared dal, a simple yet tasty dish. At least I found it to be tasty. Then ALOO BHAJA, my very own favorite, was a little spicy for my taste yet it was tasty for someone who has not cooked in her entire life. Bhindi, not a personal favorite, yet I tried making it and believe me it actually worked. I am so taken aback by my own abilities to cook. That I know I can do it too now. Though I do not want to cook on a regular basis because the very nature of cooking abhors me. And see how the tables have turn that now I myself have to indulge in this very act of cooking. Also I made Kaale Channe, the typical Punjabi style. I was impressed by the very outcome of the dish. It was not just true to its Punjabi nature but was spicy and damn tasty. A little too spicy for my personal taste, but luckily my Dad could afford to have it. I can't wait to flaunt my cooking skills in front of Mom too. Let her come back and she will get the most pleasant surprise of her life. Had Chaiji been here, she would have been so very proud of me. I wish I could have made something for you as well. Nonetheless I know you are watching over me and you will ensure that I do not serve raw and uncooked meal in front of your son.

Now I know how difficult it is being a working woman, looking after both house and work. Let us see what life has in store for me. Till then I shall continue with my experiments in cooking and hopefully no one will fall sick after tasting it.

Life and its death...

For the past few weeks all I could think of was Death. Well I failed to voice my thoughts to anyone but today somehow I decided that I would update my blog with this very idea of Death. And look what Life had in surprise for me. Just when I was about to sit and start updating my blog, we receive the news that my uncle (Chote Mamaji) has passed away. Even though I may not have been close to him but it surely came as a shock. My mom's brother is no more and I just knew how mom would be feeling at this point of time. Well Life makes us struggle so much and see where we all end. I wish and pray that Mamaji wherever you are please be happy and do not take unnecessary tensions. Your kids have all grown up and are well settled in life. Leave with a happy heart and do not be sad. I know you will be duly missed, your numerous talks, your quirky jokes, those uncountable moments spent with you will always be cherish and remembered. Just ensure that you are safe and happy.

I do not have many memories with my Mamaji because whenever we used to be in Delhi, he would be out touring for his work. But occasionally I do remember getting the scolding from him when we kids would run around the house and create chaos every now and then. And he was the only son who took care of my Granny, Mataji. But Mamaji no matter how absent you may have been for us, for the family you were always there, standing through thick and thin. You kept the family together and I respect you for that. Please have a safe journey and give my regards to everyone you meet.

Lately I was thinking how easy life would be for many if I was dead. Be it family or friends, I have been an unnecessary cause of trouble for many and it would be for the best I believe. It is weird to see how friends change just because you perform well and you are appreciated for it. Since those stupid old school days I have seen this very weird trait in human beings and yet I have ignored them time and again. It actually hurts to see that your friends are jealous of you. I remember when I got through SXC, how badly I prayed to Bhagwanji so that one of my friends too could join me. Then it was CU, and I cried when I saw that none of my friends were selected. And the funny bit about it is that I am tagged as selfish. When people have only been using me for credit, merits or money, I believe that there exists something greater called friendship. Well it is all a sham and I am done trying to be friends with such people. I am done being judged every now and then, being questioned about unnecessary events, being hated by all. I just want to be myself, away from everyone, just I me and myself. I just want to die. And I seriously donot care about my ending, all I care about is how fast I can reach there.

Well I will be digressing a hell lot in this blog of mine. Yesterday night I dreamt of my crush Chashmish (from office) and we were married and a lot of things which I don’t remember. But strangely enough I remember him hugging me tightly, remember the hug I so passionately talk about. I remember him smiling at me and taking care of me. I remember his specs and those beautiful eyes staring down at me. It all felt so real, his voice, his touch, he himself. And I wonder if he even knows that I exist. Chashmish, you have been a muse for me for quite sometime now and now I dare to write about you as well. You have inspired hope in me in so many ways you are not even aware about. But hopefully someday when you look at me, you will see that you are admired.

Another revelation I heard was that after my break-up people consider me to be bi-sexual. OMG!!! That is such a stupid and rubbish rumor. I know I am straight and no matter how much I may joke around with my girl-friends, they will always be friends and nothing more than that. As for guys, well I do love athletic tall smart and caring guys. Anyone out there reading this post and interested, please do let me know. Till then Taylor Lautner you shall always be in my heart my love.

So delicious....

Well most of the people around me know by now that I am absolutely not a foodie. I eat due to the dire need of eating for energy and to keep my body working. If only I had that kind of money to afford those pills which can make me go on without food for a day, I would love to have them instead of anything else. But when it comes to pizza, there are no compromises. I absolutely love eating pizza, something I alone can live on for years. Nonetheless without diverting much from the original topic, I just want to make my point that food and me are not very friendly, nor do we hate each other. It’s a ok kind of a relationship we share.

But it was only recently in one of the many conversations we have now and then, that mom and dad reminded me of such a sweet and simple meal which I am madly craving to have now and I only wish if I could get that taste back in my mouth. The moment I remembered about this special dish, I could see myself like a kid curiously gulping on my plate, loving every morsel of what was in there and that amazing taste, beyond any words I don’t know why I have tears in my eyes thinking and remembering this. Is it because I have hardly ever given any thought to that or is it because it’s almost been fourteen years that I have not tasted it? I do not know that, but what I do know is that my heart craves for it and I know I can never have it again and that taste shall always haunt me.

Well before I can elaborate about the dish or about the chef who managed to get my taste buds to salivate, I would like to warn my very dear readers that I am going to digress a lot from the original topic only because it holds the closest to my heart and it has open a Pandora of memories I cannot afford to miss out on. So here I begin.

To begin with, as I mentioned earlier and established the very fact that I am no foodie, I have never taken a liking of the Afghani or Muslim dishes. It was just the thought that the people who cook them have always been against us and a lot of more things which deserve little mention. So a dish like biryani has never quite been on the list of my likings. But only recently I realized that I have had a craving for this special kind of biryani and its taste cannot be matched and compared with even the world’s best cooks as it was made by my best-est chef. Well I am sure you know how much you are missed.

As for this special chef of mine, well there is a hell lot to speak about him. But most importantly, I would like to share the fact that he was the head of my family. And he was loved and respected by all. My dearest Daddyji, well that is how we used to address our dearest grandfather, the handsomest man ever known by me. Believe me Hrithik doesn’t even stand a chance in front of him. And as Chaiji always used to say, she was lucky to have had such a husband. Well I know how lucky I am to be a part of him. Daddyji you are still the best. Love you and miss you a lot.

Well it wasn’t such an exquisite preparation of the so called special biryani. But its taste, how can anything match it. Daddy would usually prepare chicken, and believe me it was delicious the way he would ensure the chicken is cooked to perfection with the exact amount of everything. And it was the last day’s left over chicken which he would mix with rice and cook it for us. Oh! How I remember fighting over the pieces of chicken with everyone else. It wasn’t something extravagant, yet for me it was the best of what I have had till date. Since the day mom and dad have mentioned about it and I have remembered about Daddy’s cooking days and those yummy dishes I have had, I feel like my appetite died the day he left us. With him my craze for food also went away. But here I am, once again thinking and remembering those amazing dishes which I know I will never ever be able to cook.

By the way, Daddy and Chaiji, I know you both will be proud of me, but I have managed to cook an entire day’s meal when momma was not here. I know Papa had to live through those days, but I cooked for the first time, on my own and yes I am proud of myself. I knew I could always cook just the very thought of cooking never appealed to me. But I did.

Miss you both a lot and thank you for those wonderful memories. You both will always be loved and missed. Take Care and give my regards to Bhagwanji who has been amazingly kind to all of us.

Another day without You...

So for the first time in our lives, it was Holi and you were not here with us. Dad's birthday too, well hasn't he always managed to celebrate his birthday with us except for this year and so many more years to come. Well we do miss, cannot deny the fact. But then I know wherever you are, you are happy and you are in a much better place now. I just wish that had you been here, you could have helped me pick my gown, or even chide me for selecting the wrong jewelry. I just wish you wouldn't have left so early. Somehow I was sure this time, I was confident that now everyone has come for you, you will come back to us. O! my stupid notion. I miss you and I will always miss you. You have been the best grandmother anyone could ever ask for. The coolest Chaiji, I could share anything with you and I regret not having you here beside me. But you stood by me, you kept me strong, you made me held my head up high and you made me realize that no matter what you will always be there for me. And even though you are physically not present here with me, I know you are watching, you are not far away from me. I know you miss us, and we miss you a lot. Please ensure that Mom and Dad get the best of life. They have suffered enough because of me. Please give me the strength to make them feel proud of me again.

This year for obvious reasons, none of us celebrated Holi. Remember one year we celebrated Holi with only water, no colors, nothing else, just simple water. That was fun. It was fun having you around, having you notice how I am looking. O! I do miss you and I miss you some more. Give my love to Daddy, let him know that I miss him too, his visits, his blessings, his naughty smiles, his cooking, his game of cards. I miss being the child around you all. If only you guys were here. But then I am happy for both of you. Now you are together and I know all these years, Chaiji has missed you very much. She has been without you for long. 

Anyways the reason I write today is because I realize that now there isn't much left, besides those million memories you have left behind for us to think of, to smile and to cry just thinking of you. Miss you Chaiji...!!! Love you always.

ARTEMISIA ...

Films and novels have been a major part of my life. The many characters, the many emotions and expressions have always appealed to me some way or the other. Time and again such characters have been able to provide me with the solace normal human beings have failed at miserably. Today I write to tell you all about one such character ARTEMISIA from the movie 300: Rise of an Empire, played by Eva Green. And believe me when I say this, she has done a superb job. I have felt the rise and the fall of the character. Such was the nature of her acting that it felt like the character was standing in front of me and not just the actor.

The movie was all about her. And she has done absolute justice to the character. The looks, the gaze, the smirks, perfect timing it was. This shows how well Eva was able to relate with the character and not only that was also able to express the exact emotions as demanded by the situation. Respect, my dear lady… absolute respect for you.

I do not have many words but yes you have inspired me a lot. Thank you for the amazing experience. I am absolutely looking forward to such epic movies in future as well.