Rowdy ME...!!!

It has indeed been a long time since I have written down anything. Frankly I do have so much to share yet somehow was restraining myself from speaking my mind. That is just so typical of me. Anyways now it is time to reveal details of stuff I haven’t even discussed with so many people. I have fallen in love, taken a chance once again and failing in it badly too.

It has not even been a month and already he is having second thoughts about me. That is just so typical of my life. All the time the guy keeps on saying that it will be me who will break up but in reality the guy breaks my heart ruthlessly and leaves. Nonetheless somehow I am trying to find peace with my destiny. There are so many couples who have so many more problems and yet they have the strength to endure the tough times together. But I guess that strength in me is going away. I am losing myself in order to be with someone. All my life I have done this and all my life, I have lost myself little by little. I have been broken everyday and yet all I am supposed to do is smile.

When I try to voice my opinion it is always my ego which speaks because somehow I lack a heart. I am not a human being anymore. I seriously don’t know what to do with myself. All I wish to do is run away and hide from everyone. Be on my own for a while. It feels strange indeed. Seriously do I deserve all this? All I ever want my life is to be loved and I guess everyone has a right to be loved. But somehow I am not. All I am meant to do is compromise, adjust and smile. I am the mannequin with no desires, no emotions, a plastic smile is all I am supposed to wear. And fine, let me go ahead and do that as well. Let me for a change listen to what others have to say. Stay quiet, don’t voice opinions, smile all the time and never ever complain, because I get all the basic necessities of life and that is enough for my survival. I never thought I would surrender but I am tired of fighting everyone and everything around me. For a change I wanted someone to take care of me, to understand me. But I guess that was never meant to happen and so I duly resign to my fate and accept all what is coming my way. No matter how sad and broken I may be from the inside, the outside should always have a smile. Forget about my own needs and concentrate on what others expect of me. Prove to others that I too can be good. And hate myself each passing day.

Nonetheless I am over exaggerating things as always. It is time to resign and refrain myself from doing anything stupid. 

A new beginning...

Lonely, lost and hurt,

Bruised and battered,

Looking back at the days

When all my dreams were shattered.

The shadows of the past

Haunting my dreams,

Even breathing had become difficult

And not so easy at it seemed.

Running from the truth,

Hiding from all that hurts,

Trying my very best

To control the tears and not to burst.

All hopes lost and gone

All I am was left alone

What mattered now did not exist,

What existed was all forlorn,

What had become of me?

What did I ever do to see?

All this in my life with

The dejected feelings.

The long lost feelings were now back

The rejection was all I had.

And then one fine day

A smile came my way,

Lift up my spirits

And swept me away.

The sun was suddenly so bright

The clouds parted their ways

There was a shadow haunting my past

But the present had a better promise today.

At times a smile is all you need

A hug is all you can feel

A pat on the back to motivate

A friend to never let you leave.

I remember not when I felt like this,

Your smile, the hug and your kiss,

Your touch, the warmth and I remember

Those soft and steady heart beats.

All this remind me of how I had forgotten,

To live my life and to believe.

You give me a reason to feel

Your love and your care

And makes life a lot more simpler

Just to be myself and to live.

I know not how to thank

Confused about the logical trend

Yet I believe in what has begun

And I hope it never sees an end.

Memoirs of a not-so-adventurous traveler…

21^st April’12

Another train journey all alone, but this time I seriously am not much sure about the destination. Quite frankly I won’t remember much about this journey…

The last time I was traveling alone like this was when I was returning back from Pune. That was quite a difficult time I had, having to say goodbye. I knew not what to do. Anyways what’s past is gone forever; all I have left is those wonderful memories which always seem to bring tears in my eyes. Sometimes I wish I had someone who could look right through me and sometimes I wish I was always this alone. Well to contemplate, actually I am all alone with myself, traveling to a place where I have never been to. And frankly this isolation and this desolation is not bothering me much because for a change I get to be quiet, all with my own self, not pretending to smile, to crack stupid jokes, to make others feel happy. I am what and where I am supposed to be. If this is where I should be, I am glad and happy about it. Life is freaking unpredictable and when it is throwing lemons at me; I try my best to make lemonade, no matter how bitter or sweet, out of it. What a cliché? Anyways it has been quite sometime since I wrote anything down (I am just typing out the words I had written during my visit to Nasik and Mumbai). And frankly I do not like my handwriting much because of being out of practice. I remember back in school and college days how obsessed I was with my handwriting. Now I am losing it. I guess I should be writing more than just typing. Even though my typing speed is good, my handwriting is losing its charm. Yesterday I was thinking what it would be like to be back at home and especially to be back to office. But I shouldn’t use this time thinking about all what irritates me and makes me all the more weird. What I need right now is a distraction. Perhaps a book should serve the purpose. So I guess I should be back to my old love for Jeffrey Archer and start reading the book I had bought such a long time ago. By the way the train journey has been fairly well as of yet, let’s see what the rest of the journey has in store for me. Till then adieus amigos!

Later that evening…

Just got off the phone with Anu. Another survey, another one in the bottom. As it is life is punishing me badly, I don’t really know what is expected of me. I know Mom and Dad have so many expectations from me and I am trying my best to fulfill those, but with all these set backs I really don’t know for how long I will be able to carry on. And the worst bit I can’t really share what I have in mind. My friends say give others a chance, who knows I might actually find someone who is all worth it. But then every time I give someone a chance, it seems like I open up a new avenue to disappoint myself. It is tough moving on when you realize you are all alone in this. No doubts I am trying my best to put up my brave face in front of everyone. No doubts I try to smile and joke with everyone every now and then. But it turns out that actually I am not worth anything. What is the use of all this love, truth, understanding, friendship, being nice to others, never being wicked to others, because at the end of the day I am the one who is hurt bad. Battered and bruised, somehow I still manage to smile, and even I don’t know how I manage to do that. I seriously don’t know what will be the end of this journey, but I do know one thing for sure, by the time I reach the end, nothing would matter anymore. Somehow I wish I am met with an accident or better yet if I could die. That would be such an easy escape from such a miserable life. But then I don’t really have many complaints, because life has awarded me with so many good things every now and then. So what if it had stopped doing that now? Does that mean I too should stop living? But then I have no reason to live and enjoy my life. For a change I want to live for myself. And frankly I don’t think it will ever be possible.

23^rd April’12

Had a good and peaceful time in Shirdi. Well, frankly speaking I don’t remember much of it. So many of my questions have gone unanswered and so many things need a change. Was just contemplating about what has gone by in the past few months and seems like I have not retained much in my memory. Some of the things which we had planned together did happen in my life, just that he was not there and seriously I did miss him. Somehow I miss him in every breath I take. It is really difficult living a life which seems like impossible. Others might think I am happy and all, but only I and only I know what is inside my mind. So many friends around, so many family members to take care of me, but somehow it seems like I am the loneliest of all. I guess it was always meant to happen like this. No matter how much I pray to God each day, at the end of it, I will get what I truly deserve. Life is crazy at present, screwed up in office, friends not bothered and I desperately try to hang on to someone, anyone somehow. I know I have never been like this, but life has never been this crazy before. Just waiting for an end to all this. I don’t know how all of it is going to come to an end; I just want it to be over and done with.

25^th April’12

Yes, I have wasted 9,000 bucks on a flight back home. When will I learn from my mistakes? When I should be supporting Mom and Dad, I am the one who is contributing to the lavish expenditures each month. Anyways stay at Mumbai was bearable. I have realized that no matter which state one is in, as long as one is happy, it doesn’t really matters. By the way the purpose of writing today is the fact that I seriously am feeling left out and alone. I need a person in life who can love me and care for me. I too wish there was someone to look after me, to click my pictures for a change, to look at me and to love me the way I am. But I guess I am not destined for all these things. I am looking for a positive change in life, but whatever is happening seems to pull me down two steps backwards. I know I am not a beauty queen, and I obviously don’t want such a treatment in life, but what I want is something positive, motivating to keep me going on with a smile on my face. And somehow the possibility of it seems to be going down the ditches by the day. Ever since we were planning for this trip, I had no clue as to what I was looking for. I had so many questions in my mind which mostly went unanswered. But as of now I have realized what exactly I am looking for, it is true companionship, someone I can be myself with, someone I can trust inside out and sadly enough I know that there never was such a someone meant for me. No matter how much I miss his presence in my life, no matter how much I crib or cry; at the end of the day I know I will have to face the world all alone. Seriously I wish I could run away from life and be all alone, on my own, but that too is never meant to happen to me. I wish, pray and cry, that this phase of life comes to an end as soon as possible. I believe I too should be getting married but then I myself don’t know if there also is a better half meant to be for me, someone who can take care of me and to love me inside out. Bhagwanji if at all you are listening to me, please send a Super Man or a Super Hero for me. For a change I guess I do deserve someone who can take care of me and love me. Bhagwanji please grant this small wish of mine. Life actually will become a lot easier to live if a life partner is caring, understanding and loving.

Lastly, Bhagwanji, Thank You for giving me the opportunity to express myself. Love You always.

And that is all from the memoirs of a not-so-adventurous traveler.

Somebody that I used to know...

Stupid and weird dreams I am having lately. I don’t really know what to do about them, or what exactly to make out of them, but nonetheless they are a part of my sub conscious mind, so I try to enjoy the dream as much as I can in the dream and yeah most importantly move on. Yesterday had this silly little dream where I saw so many known faces, faces I have liked, faces I admire, and all the faces were somewhat happy to see me. But only one face caught my attention, and how very filmy it was to watch the face while background score of “Pehli Mazar Mein” from RACE was playing. Like how stupid can my dreams actually be? It’s really funny to wake up and try to remember what I had dreamt about. But it is totally worth it. To realize that my stupid heart still cherishes certain memories and still hopes against hope that yes someday love will take over me and make all my stupid hopes come true.

At times I seriously wish I was in a movie. But then the drama which goes on in my life, that is no less than a typical bollywood movie.

Recently I have come across these people whom I think can actually understand me. And that is the best part of life. No matter what happens, how stupidly insane one might feel, you will always find the right kind of friends who will stand by you. And that is exactly my case. I have found friends I never thought would exist. Thank You Bhagwanji, You know You are the best.!!!

I am listening to so many songs these days, trying to seriously move on in life. Cannot always be the stupid old fool in love. I need to find my own way. Even though my cheese is moved from life, I am now ready to find some new cheese and make the most out of my life. Lets hope this time the cheese is worth it.

Till then some other time, needed to share a few bits and pieces of life here and there. Next will update when another stupid dream of mine shall bug me out of my sleep. 

Bound to Forget...!!!

It has been such a long time that I don’t feel his hug anymore; I seem to have forgotten his touch and the feel that he is around me. And I am shit scared to forget him. How can I when I know I still love him with all my heart and soul? How can I forget him when he was the only one who was so close? Why am I still so stupid to wait for someone I know will never ever even show me his face again?

I am behaving like a love lost puppy, but I know no better way to behave myself. Whoever tries to come close to me, I scare them away. But the fact is I am scared of hurting myself once again. But who is to understand what I am going through? Who is there to stand by my side when I feel weak and want to quit? He and only he has seen the real me, the real me who too can be scared of the dark, who too can be the perfectly smiling girl. I wish the days would be back but then I don’t wish to see him hurt once again. I wish a hell lot of things to come true but then at the end of the day I realize that wishes are all those things one misses in life. So it is fine. I am trying my best to fight against all odds and to come out strong once again.

Oh! How much I hate the word “strong”? I want to meet the person who thought of such a word and made a hell out of my life. It’s like everyone who meets me has to say the same shitty thing--- “be strong”. Bloody hell, it’s easier to say than to do. Had they been in my position I doubt they could have managed even one day out of their precious life. The worst part of life is that no one understands what I am going through. Everyone is ready to give their own opinions and advices, but what about me? What about that which still survives inside me? What about the stupid little hopeless hope that things will be alright? What about my voice, my thoughts and my opinions? Don’t they get a say in my life. This is the only reason why I hate talking too much with anyone, because I know very well no one will look the way I am looking. At best they will confuse me all the more with my life which I don’t want.

The worst part of all this is I have somehow forgotten myself. The crazy girl with crazy dreams, high ambitions in life, so many desires, somewhere she is lost and forgotten. And what I fear the most is losing her, I mean losing myself in this chaos. As long as I will breathe I will ensure that I don’t die. I will stay alive with all the best possible reasons in life. I don’t know what is in future, but no matter what I won’t give up on myself. No matter what others think about me, whether beautiful or not, slim or not, sweet or not, at the end of the day, I AM WHAT I AM AND WHAT I WAS MEANT TO BE… and nothing or no one can change that. All might be forgotten but not me… never ME…!!!

I dream never to dream again...

It was around 2 days ago that I had a weird dream. Not that I don’t have weird dreams every now and then, but the weird part was I was happy in my dream. Oh! How much I wish my dream would come true, at least the part where I have someone who can take care of me, hug me and make me feel come alive once again.

I don’t know how but I do remember the details of this dream real well and that is what surprises me. Hardly has such dreams left a big impression in my memory but seems like it doesn’t wants to leave my mind. Or should I say I just can’t part with the very idea of it being a dream. It was so freaking real that I still can feel the hug and the smile spread over my face. Oh! What will I give up to get myself back, if ever.

So after all the hype about my weird dream, let me go ahead and narrate it, as simply as possible. Because after a point it becomes scandalous and even in that scandal I remember each breathe, every move and every step I took. Strange, really strange!

First of all, I dreamt about me and this guy we are together as a happy couple. As for this guy let’s call him Illusion, because at one point of time I could have sworn my life and love for him but he hurt me bad, hurt me a lot and I just can’t forget the pain he caused me. I try my best not to be so rude to him but I just can’t help it. I end up being so irritated towards him that we mostly end a conversation with silence. So now the narration of my weird dream continues… details shall be revealed later on.

It was a casual evening. I was lying on the bed watching TV and flipping between channels trying to find something sensible as well as watch able. And as I try my best to flip between channels, this hand comes from behind me and hugs me tightly and I can hear someone say in my ears, “You know I would never let you go”.

Well yes, mostly in my dreams I see people conversing in English; even I tend to think in English these days. So don’t mind the dialogues thinking that it will sound so cheesy in Hindi, but actually whatever was in Hindi will be duly translated in Hindi and will be credited as well.

I am surprised to hear the voice, because somehow I don’t recognize it, yet it sounds familiar. I can feel the touch and the warmth of the arms around me, I feel secure and protected, yet I don’t know who is hugging me. So finally I turn around and I find Illusion there. To my utter surprise he is smiling and looking so happy and moreover he is saying that he loves me. Well, yes of course I did imagine a time that he would confess his love to me, but that never ever happened and this shouldn’t have been happening either. But I can see him clearly, listen to what he is saying, and feel his emotions and that bright smile which even I seem to share with him. And in a very filmy way he says, “aisi hi hasti raha kar, tujhe haste dekh bahut sukun milta hai”. English translation; keep smiling like this always, seeing you smile gives me peace of mind. As in coming from him seems so surprising and so shocking that in the dream I think that I am dreaming and that he must be joking, when he kisses me slightly on my forehead. And I felt that he has kissed me a million times. It didn’t feel weird or something new to me. And that is what was more dangerous for me.

Later mom called us out of the room, then he gave a sweet smile and let go off me so that I could go out and help mom with something. The next I see is that my niece is not going off to sleep and I have been given the responsibility to make her fall asleep. I try to make her fall asleep when someone comes and hugs me tightly from behind. And you won’t believe it was Illusion again. And to this hug I reply, “tumhe pata hai naa abhi tak tumhare weight k addat nahi hui hai mujhe, thoda aaram se hug kia karo”. English translation: You know that I am still not used to your weight (not that he was fat or anything, just that suddenly when weight falls on you, you feel weird), so please hug me a little slowly and not so tightly. And he sweetly smiled and said, “bahut jald aadat padd jayegi…” English translation: Soon you will get used to it. And guess what I do next, I hug him back more tightly and this time I say, “You know, I will never ever let you go”. And I am editing the scandalous bit, stating only that we ended up kissing very very passionately.

This dream of hardly 5-6 minutes made me scream out of my bed. Yes, you read it right, I did scream. It is all I can think of for the past couple of days. And why the scream? Well as it is evident, emotionally at this point I am not in a very good state, and this dream reminded me of everything I ever dreamt of with Ron (somehow I just call him my ex because he is very much a part of me). I shared my dream with a friend and she said this is only because right now I am looking for someone who can look after me and since no one is able to fill the void in me; my subconscious is treating me to such fantasies.

Well I feel so too now. But somehow I was happy and smiling in my dream. And it was the genuine smile which is missing in me for such a long time. Oh! How much I want myself to be back to me. I want to be the real me, the happy me. But there is nothing good happening around me to make me happy. I am faking every smile, and now it seems even my breathing has become fake. Every night and day I cry. I fail to share my insecurities. I have never done that ever in my life and the one person I shared my life with; we just can’t share our future together. I am having such weird thoughts lately. Feel like running away from everything and everyone. Today itself I thought why not register on a matrimony website, and get married and get away from everything in life. I don’t want to stay in India anymore. I don’t want to be around my friends and family anymore. I want to be invisible in the crowd, don’t want to be recognized for a change. Don’t want to be loved or missed for a change. I just want to run away. And it’s been enough; I seriously can’t take it anymore. Soon I will give in and I will go away forever. I don’t have the strength in me to take this loneliness, to be practical and to move on. No one will realize what Ron meant to me and still means to me. I pray and wish he gets the best of the best and is happy forever. But for myself I want a deep sleep, yes a sleep without any stupid or weird dreams, a sleep where my whole body goes numb, I close my eyes and the only time I open them is to find myself in my own paradise, away from everything and everyone.

I have become so negative and yet I can’t help myself anymore. I just want to run away. And there is no one who can help me out. I want to sleep now; hopefully I can rest my head. And hopefully I never ever come back…