Wednesday!!!

It was a not so good day in university for me.  A Wednesday, the day I was born wasn't going good at all. First it was the shitty overly crowded bus I had to ride in. Then I got a cabin seat, which I don't prefer while travelling in the bus because the women crowd there like anything and don't leave enough space for the others to even breathe in. And then as an icing, they never use a deodrant or wear a perfume. Its so disgusting and you can't do anything about it. So here I was in this horrendous condition where women were pushing each other and stomping on my feet... I had no choice but to sit there and wait for the time I was to get down from the bus. But as my not so good luck was favoring me so very much, the idiotic bus driver was driving at his own leisure, stopping for every damn person on the road, even for those who were least interested to be a part of the crowd inside the bus. It was just irritating, and not just me, there were other passengers in the bus as well who were making good use of their vocal cords by shouting at the conductor and the driver, though it had no effect on either of them.
My one and an half hour journey was becoming a nightmare now cause I was unable to even keep my feet properly over the foot rest as this stupid school girl, on her way for Puja Shopping had occupied that space and no matter how much I was hinting her to shift a little, she didn't even bother to move even an inch. And to add to my miseries, this really sweet looking, though overly healthy aunty got a seat right beside me. I know I shouldn't be cribbing about anything infact but her healthy body was making my sitting more and more uncomfortable, and I was on the verge of falling off my seat. Whenever there was a jerk, this sweet aunty would push me a little harder and then smile. I know it wasn't her fault, but I really couldn't question as to whose fault it really was. So here I was waiting for my joy-ride to come to an end.

But my not so good luck was damn persistent on turning my day into a day full of rubbish and idiotic occurences, when the rains started. Even though I was inside the bus and not getting a free wash out in the rains, the traffic in the roads miraculously increased and there we all were inside a highly slow-driven bus which was badly caught up in traffic jam and it seemed like ages that we had made a progress inside the bus. Finally the bus moved and I reached my stop. I was relieved and in a way happy to be out of the bus and its crowd finally. But as soon as I stepped out of the bus, heavy rains became a new obstacle for me. Thankfully I had my umbrella in my bag so I wasn't going to get wet. Late and a little wet in the rains, I entered the historical institution, Calcutta University.
I was well aware of the fact that I was late for my class. Though I managed running up the stairs and reaching the class when I saw that my friends had failed to keep a seat for me and so I had to sit in the last bench all alone. I was seriously irritated. First the seat in the bus and then here in class. What exactly was God trying to tell me? Or was I over-thinking things? Or it was all just a stupid coincidence? Who knew?
So here I was in the class, at the last bench, sitting with people I have never interacted with. The second class started and this time, just look at the irony of the situation, I was sitting in the first bench, though still without my friends. This time I was sitting with my classmates, atleast I had the privilege of sitting next to those with whom I can interact. Second class ended and we had to hunt down to another classroom for another seat. And this time, I was sitting all alone. No other choice, but had to face it. The fourth class was cancelled off, so decided to go back home. What a relief I felt just thinking about the word Home.
All thanks to my not so good luck, I didn't get any bus and it was pointless waiting there cause all I would have done was to waste time. So I decided to walk down, a walk of fifteen minutes, and from this other stop I would get a direct bus home. So I was walking down and thankfully there was no showers but only a bright sun to accompany me, making me sweat like a pig. I was about to cross the road when I realized that I had missed my bus. "Not again!", I said to myself. But it was of no use. I had to wait and thankfully the next bus came just after five minutes. The bus was crowded so I had given up on the hopes of finding myself a seat there, when the conductor said that in the cabin seat I can get a place. Again the Cabin Seat. I was like, "It is better than nothing".  So I took the seat and was minding my own business when I turned to pay for my ticket and noticed this girl sitting beside me.
I was quite sure that she was a Marwadi, as if that mattered cause we already had so much in common. We both were girls, travelling in the same bus and there is something else which I would rather not mention :P . So this thing [let it create an atmosphere of mystery] got me thinking if I should approach her or not, or should I just skip it. But I just couldn't help myself and asked her directly about it. I was sure of one thing, if she wouldn't like my asking, her very first reply would say so. But to my surprise, she replied very sweetly and nicely and wasn't at all offended by it. So here we were two strangers , sitting side by side, talking about a thing  which we both could relate ourselves with. But unlike the typical Bollywood masala flicks, we were two girls, both straight [atleast I'm sure of myself], talking, sharing information.
She was younger to me, after all she was just in her first year of college life and I am on the verge of finishing my study life [Gosh, I don't even want to think of studies anymore].  So one thing led to another, and I must say she was a real talker. Even at times I would stop, but she would go on and on about things. In a span of about 40-50 minutes, we had dealt with a host of topics in our conversation. And frankly, we had so much in common. The best being a dislike for the typicals. We had a good laugh about it and irrespective of the fact of who was listening to us or not, we both were enjoying our time together. We were so deeply in conversation with each other that she almost forgot that her stop had come. And so when she rushed towards the gate, quickly adding, "It was nice meeting you", all I could reply was "Same here". And she almost jumped out of the bus, when a lady standing in front of us asked me, "Aren't you going to leave as well". She must have assumed that we were good friends and judging by the way we were speaking, mind you in Hindi, she had expected me to get down there as well. But when I told this lady that I would get down near the last stop of the bus, she got a little disappointed [maybe with her assumption] and went towards the end of the bus, in the hope of finding herself a seat.

So this was my Wednesday, 8th of September,2010. A superbly eventful day for me. Not so rewarding but not so bad at the same time. I do remember you sweet girl and our conversation as well. Hoping to catch you soon in more of bus rides of our lives. Till then I hope you have a great time ahead and also Best of Good Luck for your exams dear. Even though I know your first name, I would not metion about it. Its good that you remain this anonymous person whom I met in the bus and had a great time with. It was only after I had met you that I had actually started to enjoy my day, well the rest of the day. Thank you sweet girl. Wish you lots of love and luck in life. And also hoping that sometime soon we cross each others path, the way we had this Wednesday. Take Care and God Bless!!!
:)

Do you see, what I see??!!!

Looking back in time, I can still see myself entering through the green gate of my college building. It was my first day in Kolkata's top college, whose name is enough to make others wonder what special quality one has to have made through the cut. And this year it was going to be special. The college was deemed Autonomous status, a very vital step in the history of the colleges in Kolkata.
I was standing in front of the St.Xavier's College (Autonomous), under Calcutta University, and I was among those lucky few whose names where to be included in the list of being the first ever autonomous batch in the state.

It was indeed a privilege to have been able to be a part of such a great institute. Noone from my family had been able to get through any such good college. I was lucky enough to have been selected in the very first system of merit list and didn't had to face any written examinations or go through the interviews. Xavier's was one of the first colleges to have come up with the merit list system and morover was the first college to announce the name of the students it was ready to accomodate. Since my luck was favouring me I got through even before any of my other friends had. I was so excited and happy, not just for myself but for my family who had done so much for me and all I could do was give them the best I had in me.
I had fallen sick the day the merit-list was supposed to come out. I thought that any of my friends can find it out for me. Even though most of my friends where not in touch with me, things had happened and we had parted our ways even before life had made us stand apart from each other. But Dad was so good to me, he decided to take the car so that I can see the result for myself. I was so glad to have my Dad by my side. He is my lucky charm and I truly believe that. And going through the list, there I was. It was so surprising to see my name on the list and then instead of being happy that very instant I was worried about my friends. I didn't want to be the only one in this new world. But unfortunately none of my other friends had made through the list and I was all alone. I was happy and at the same time a little upset. But I could see Dad was so proud of me. I couldn't find my friends inside the premises of the college that day but saw other people whom I was in no mood to greet. I came back home and told everyone at home. They were all happy and I know proud of me as well. Even though some of my school friends were envious and had spread a lot of rumours, it was the least of my concerns.
As for the first day in college. It was fun  and okay. Though I was hoping that here I might find a good-looking guy to pataofy... I was badly disappointed. Though I wasn't disappointed in finding myself Friends. Among the early ones was Arunima Jha and Pallavi Sinha, both from other departments. And I'm glad that I'm still friends with both of them but Pallavi has become a very important part of my life ever since then.  But more on this friendship later. :-)
The second day we were given a brief introduction to the rules and regulations followed in the college by Father Eton (the then Vice-Principal of Arts n Sc. Dept.) and Father Mathew (the then Principal of SXC). Everyone was in awe of the college and was eagerly waiting for the next step. We were assembled in a class, which unfortunately for us was in fourth floor. It was a hell of a climb for us finding the room. As soon as we entered the room we found ourselves and here I remember calling out a girl's name, and she was Betsy Racheal Vergese, my first friend in the English Dept. We were all sitting staring at each other and looking at the others who were going to be a part of our lives in SXC for the next three years when our Professors entered the room.
I clearly remember the Professors. There was Prof. Betrum da Silva, better known as BD or Bertie Sir, he was our head of the department and a really good-looking professor though he appeared to be really strict and uptight. Then there was Prof. Dr.Chandrani Biswas or CB, she was so sweet and kind and enthusiastic in welcoming us to the college, trying her best to make us understand the pressures involved in being associated with the first time introduced semester system. But it was all fun until she passed us a copy of our syllabus and daily time table. That seriously went above each of our heads. Then came in Prof. Partho Mukherjee or Pm, Prof. Suchandana Banerjee or SB, Prof. Christina Mirza or CM and Prof. Arjun Sengupta or ASG. They were all going to be a part of our three years long journey in SXC. It was all so fresh and exciting and fun.
We all had dreams in our eyes and we all were looking forward to an awesome three years in this institute. There was smiles in all the faces. People were fighting to take up the first benches for themselves, choosing between professors, whom they liked the best and who wasn't so interesting and so on. There were green benches in the back gate which attracted our attention a lot. There were trees in the playground. We got to play as well whenever there was no class or no substitutes for the professors absent.
As I look back to the initial days in SXC, I remember how happy each one of us was and how great it was to be associated with something so great. But secrectly everyone was trying to find their place in the college. Everyone was trying to form their own groups and circles of friends, breaking the ice between the seniors and the professors. Those were the initial good days of SXC.


...more to come
:)

I am so ugly... :)

Yes you are beautiful
And I am not
There are certain things
Which I shouldn't have forgot

When it comes from a person

Who claims to know you the best

You wish, you pray, you hope

One day you will get all the rest.

Thanks for the reminder
And also for making me realize
Also for showing the real world
When I was living in lies 


Its like a pinch which makes me cry
Its the disease which creeps inside
Its like the plague which kills me slowly
Its all that which I didn't like.


Yes, you are more beautiful
And yes I am ugly as a lie.
But spitting the facts on my face
Won't make sure that I will die.


But I will wish that it comes true
And when there will be no me...
Will there be a You?

Ha Ta Sa

For once I thought he would look up and say to me something. But I guess I wasn’t as important as the pile of paper which earned us bread and butter. It was that time of the year when he was very busy and me having holidays in the university had nothing much to look forward to. So I was going out, I was going to do something which would have been a taboo back in India but here in States, no one really cared. Even though I expected Sam would suspect a thing or two but it seemed he hardly cared.

I was wearing my favorite red top which not just made me look good but as Sam used to say before, even sexy :-) I was going to meet Henry once again. It was the third time in a week. I knew not what I wanted more, getting away from Sam or getting closer to Harry. But whatever it was I had made up my mind to enjoy myself completely.

She was going out again today and she was looking very pretty. But I knew not what to say to her. It had been more than a week since we had made love and now it seemed so awkward just to be standing in the same room with her. I was sure Tanu would understand me and my needs at the present hour. It was the busiest month of the year. I had to give a presentation and on this depends my next promotion. I hadn’t told Tanu anything about it yet but I was sure she would understand. This was third year in a row that I couldn’t take her out for vacations. Even though it’s known the amount of hard work and dedication I have to put into to live in such a costly flat and to afford the lifestyle we were now so used to. She was ready to leave and I didn’t even have the time to look up and say anything to her. I knew she was going to meet Kathy, her colleague and now her best friend from the university. Perhaps this was the fourth or fifth time she was going to meet her. I knew I owe her an apology for never being able to accompany her but I know she is a good wife and that she would understand my needs of the hour.

I was getting close to her each day. We were exchanging late night messages and were meeting now for the third time in a week. I knew she had a husband but I wasn’t really bothered about that. What I wanted was to have her below me, to push myself hard to her and to make her scream and moan in pain. I still remember when I had seen her in the campus of our university and the first thing that crossed my mind was who would she be in bed? Now my plans were finally working. It was not that I didn’t care about Kathy but her best friend seemed a better catch to me. I am sure to hit the jackpot the next time we meet for dinner. Let’s see what exactly happens this time. But I will have to make sure that my charm works on her and stays that long that I can feel her and make the wild and passionate love I had always dreamt of.

I didn’t know what I was going to do was right or wrong but I had known that my heart craved for more and that I wanted something more than just to be sitting around and waiting for Sameer to arrive from work and to warm his food. I had thought it was going to be the last time I meet Harry but he was just so nice and sweet to me. He was a true gentleman and I really liked the way he would make me smile trying to crack those silly jokes about random stuff. Kathy had not known anything about this and even I wasn’t really ready to tell her that I was kind of dating her fiancé. But I swore to myself that this is going to be the last time I met Harry this way. As soon as I reached home, as expected Sam wasn’t there and I was in no mood to cook. So I went to my room and closed the door behind me. I wasn’t quite aware of the fact that someone was already in the room.

“Ready or not?” that’s all I could hear and there were a pair of arms holding me so tightly that I could feel myself choke as if. I had never ever seen Sam so excited about anything. He took me in his arms and kissed me so passionately that all my thoughts melted that very instant. He had finally got himself the promotion which was due for three years. I could feel his happiness and I could see after all the hard work and the dedication did pay him well. I was happy for him but I didn’t know why I wasn’t happy about us?

It was the best day of the year I guess. I had my promotion in my hand and the one thing I wanted to do with it was to tell Tanu about it. I was sure she would have understood me and my happiness the best. So I rushed home but she wasn’t there. I guess she and Kathy must be having a good time. But now I was back and I could take care of her. I was patiently waiting for her to return home when I heard the door knob turn and open. She was back and I was so ecstatic that I hugged her badly and I kissed her so passionately that I could feel myself drowning away in that feeling which I thought was lost for sometime now. I was there with my wife celebrating the best day of my life and in her eyes I could see my happiness reflect. I had always known that she would understand me. She was my angel and I suddenly noticed that she was looking so beautiful and was in my favorite red dress.

She was not picking my call or replying to my messages. It got me thinking but I was sure she can’t really be serious when she said that we should end everything here. I was yet to creep under her skin. This cannot be happening with me. I must try and get her back and I will do it tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow seems promising and this time I won’t spare her. I will get all what I want it and no one can stop me now.

I couldn’t understand what had happened then but when he told me that he loves me I was once again in his arms and I knew nothing else. I had my Sameer back and I was happy. That was the best of night we had shared together. We kept on talking till late at night and for the first time I knew he was listening to me. I couldn’t stop myself from telling him everything. The random shopping with Kathy to even my recent fling with Harry. I told him everything and he didn’t seem to mind anything. And I was so happy to finally have him all to myself. It was the best of nights.

Harry, that bugger was after her. I had known it the day I met him and saw those mischievous eyes. But I should have been with her. It was my fault. How could I have missed that I needed to understand too that she might need me?

I cannot forgive that son of a b***h. how dare he come like this and charge me? Kathy, that stupid girl, believed her best friend over me. I wish they all go to hell. Now I need a drink badly and I guess I must call up Martha for a meet.

My dreaming phase!!!

I had a dream so real...it made me smile, and it made me feel, those things which I have always dreamt of and when I close my eyes they still are here... ♥ :)

I had such a sweet dream this evening and I seriously wanted someone to ask about it. Well the first thing I obviously did was to call him up and tell him about it. He listened to it patiently but you know how you still want to talk about something. :D That is exactly how I was feeling and so I came online and found no friend of mine who would ask me about the dream. Even my status [as stated above] was clearly stating the fact that I absolutely loved it but none asked. :(

But I have to share it somehow and what better way than to blog about it so it stays with me forever. :-)

It was around 5’o clock in the evening when while playing with Dodo [my dog] I fell off to sleep and that too on the floor. And then I saw him so clearly in my dream for the first time. It was so shitty real that even when I am thinking about it, it doesn’t feels like all this must have happened to me in a dream. It all still feels so real to me.

So as I was fast asleep I saw he was sitting in our house and smiling so shyly. It was so cute. And then Phoolmani di came up to him and offered him something to drink which he politely accepted and asked for me. I don’t remember where exactly I was standing, because the place from where I entered didn’t seem anything like my house. But since I was eyeing on his moves and was listening intently to whatever he was saying, I smiled as soon as I heard my name and perhaps even blushed a little. I am telling you this was all very real to me and it still is. Then I entered the room and our eyes met and in instant things changed as if. I was all smiling smiling and he was doing the same thing when we both looked up to the door and saw mom enter the room. He was politely answering to all the queries mom had and was smiling shyly as well. I could see it so very clearly and as I recall it now it appears to be so real.

I asked him to come up with me so that I could show him the house and when we got up, I am very sure that it wasn’t my house anymore. Anyways as we were passing from one room to another there came a moment when we were all alone. And it was a chance for me to hug him so tight and it felt as if my whole world can crumble that very instant and it wouldn’t matter at all. I felt that everything I had asked for was with me finally. The hug is still so much on my mind that I can’t believe that it was in my dream. After that I obviously wanted to kiss him and like a perfect angel he denied saying we shouldn’t do things behind the back of our parents. And I made a silly joke that I hope he wasn’t considering on kissing me in front of my parents. :D To this he said that I should stop joking and be serious and understand what exactly he means by that. This not just made me happy but I could also see why I loved him so much and to tell you the truth, my love towards him increased a little bit more. ♥

That is where my dream ended but it was no dream for me. It all stands so very real that I can still feel it. Love u dear. I don’t really know what is there for us in the future but I seriously love my present with you. :-)

Who know's me the best???!!!

Who knows me the best???

A very stupid question to ask but I try and look out for some answers…

Well to begin with, my parents. Do they know me the best? I think not because for the past few years they are busy toiling hard day and night to make my life such a heaven. And I in return am disappointing them with every damn thing possible on earth. I have realized lately that after all I am not a good daughter and that I have hardly ever cared for them. And in return of this I can’t expect them to always keep a track of whatever shit is going on inside my mind. But I wouldn’t say that they don’t try… they do but the problem lies in the fact that I don’t allow them to gain entry into my most inner thought processes. Even though they know me the best amongst all, still they don’t know me yet.

Then it is my elder sister. But I doubt how much she would know about me? Lately we have been so busy with our own personal lives that we hardly share anything with each other. Moreover both have a different set of friends’ circle and don’t perhaps feel the need anymore to share anything with one another. Nonetheless we love each other a lot but just that things have now drifted us apart from each other… :P

Them comes my friends. Well so as to speak I have lots and lots of friends who obviously don’t know much about me. It’s just that people think I am friendly and that I speak a lot so they know me the best. But if they give it a thought what they believe to know of me is only just a bit of what they think I am. :) It is tough to know someone who appears to be so friendly and talkative and so energetic because what lies beneath it might not be the same. Anyways I am not saying anything about myself. What I want to say that even though I have a hell lot of friends, they don’t know me.

Then there are my close pals. I do love them and care for them dearly. Some amongst them even don’t know how much they mean to me, maybe because I don’t want them to know :D Nonetheless these pals of mine are the best gifts on earth. They are all very sweet and caring but even they seem to lack an insight into me. I am definitely not over judging myself and presenting myself as some mysterious being. It’s just that no have has made the efforts lately to know what exactly I want or what I may like for a change. :-)

Rohil, my best buddy… even he has missed out a lot on me lately. After all he is busy with his own career and I can’t blame him for that. And I seriously want him to get the best of what life has to offer, for which the guy is working hard enough and I wish him lots and lots of love and luck. Even though he might not need it from me but buddy you have been a sweet heart. You have stood by me when there was no one around and even though I miss you so very much these days, I really can’t express much. All you need to know is that buddy I miss talking to you.

Then comes the love of my life. Even though he has the link of my blog I doubt how many times he has actually gone through it. Anyways he knows me well enough, and that is for sure. He knows exactly when I have a mood swing and knows how best to deal with it but somehow he has forgotten to know how I am doing or why these days my mood is swinging so much. :-) Well he too has a life which he too has every right to live it to the fullest so how can I expect him to give all the damn attention to me?

So the conclusion from all this is so plain and simple… I have wasted so much of my time typing this out and thinking who knows me the best but never really gave a thought on getting to know others. Strange but it’s the fact that I have been so over indulged with myself that I have completely forgotten about the rest. And now I know not what is best for me, which course of action should I take. And then others come into my life and blame me and laugh at me [which is like so needed…] yet my brains stop to function. This is clearly a sign of a confused soul. But who cares, confusions are part of our own superstitions. We just have to deal with them. Don’t know what exactly should I write more just want to be alone for a while. Just want to be away from everyone and maybe then I will be back to being my own self, not known by others and yet so known… :-)