I am so ugly... :)

Yes you are beautiful
And I am not
There are certain things
Which I shouldn't have forgot

When it comes from a person

Who claims to know you the best

You wish, you pray, you hope

One day you will get all the rest.

Thanks for the reminder
And also for making me realize
Also for showing the real world
When I was living in lies 


Its like a pinch which makes me cry
Its the disease which creeps inside
Its like the plague which kills me slowly
Its all that which I didn't like.


Yes, you are more beautiful
And yes I am ugly as a lie.
But spitting the facts on my face
Won't make sure that I will die.


But I will wish that it comes true
And when there will be no me...
Will there be a You?

Ha Ta Sa

For once I thought he would look up and say to me something. But I guess I wasn’t as important as the pile of paper which earned us bread and butter. It was that time of the year when he was very busy and me having holidays in the university had nothing much to look forward to. So I was going out, I was going to do something which would have been a taboo back in India but here in States, no one really cared. Even though I expected Sam would suspect a thing or two but it seemed he hardly cared.

I was wearing my favorite red top which not just made me look good but as Sam used to say before, even sexy :-) I was going to meet Henry once again. It was the third time in a week. I knew not what I wanted more, getting away from Sam or getting closer to Harry. But whatever it was I had made up my mind to enjoy myself completely.

She was going out again today and she was looking very pretty. But I knew not what to say to her. It had been more than a week since we had made love and now it seemed so awkward just to be standing in the same room with her. I was sure Tanu would understand me and my needs at the present hour. It was the busiest month of the year. I had to give a presentation and on this depends my next promotion. I hadn’t told Tanu anything about it yet but I was sure she would understand. This was third year in a row that I couldn’t take her out for vacations. Even though it’s known the amount of hard work and dedication I have to put into to live in such a costly flat and to afford the lifestyle we were now so used to. She was ready to leave and I didn’t even have the time to look up and say anything to her. I knew she was going to meet Kathy, her colleague and now her best friend from the university. Perhaps this was the fourth or fifth time she was going to meet her. I knew I owe her an apology for never being able to accompany her but I know she is a good wife and that she would understand my needs of the hour.

I was getting close to her each day. We were exchanging late night messages and were meeting now for the third time in a week. I knew she had a husband but I wasn’t really bothered about that. What I wanted was to have her below me, to push myself hard to her and to make her scream and moan in pain. I still remember when I had seen her in the campus of our university and the first thing that crossed my mind was who would she be in bed? Now my plans were finally working. It was not that I didn’t care about Kathy but her best friend seemed a better catch to me. I am sure to hit the jackpot the next time we meet for dinner. Let’s see what exactly happens this time. But I will have to make sure that my charm works on her and stays that long that I can feel her and make the wild and passionate love I had always dreamt of.

I didn’t know what I was going to do was right or wrong but I had known that my heart craved for more and that I wanted something more than just to be sitting around and waiting for Sameer to arrive from work and to warm his food. I had thought it was going to be the last time I meet Harry but he was just so nice and sweet to me. He was a true gentleman and I really liked the way he would make me smile trying to crack those silly jokes about random stuff. Kathy had not known anything about this and even I wasn’t really ready to tell her that I was kind of dating her fiancé. But I swore to myself that this is going to be the last time I met Harry this way. As soon as I reached home, as expected Sam wasn’t there and I was in no mood to cook. So I went to my room and closed the door behind me. I wasn’t quite aware of the fact that someone was already in the room.

“Ready or not?” that’s all I could hear and there were a pair of arms holding me so tightly that I could feel myself choke as if. I had never ever seen Sam so excited about anything. He took me in his arms and kissed me so passionately that all my thoughts melted that very instant. He had finally got himself the promotion which was due for three years. I could feel his happiness and I could see after all the hard work and the dedication did pay him well. I was happy for him but I didn’t know why I wasn’t happy about us?

It was the best day of the year I guess. I had my promotion in my hand and the one thing I wanted to do with it was to tell Tanu about it. I was sure she would have understood me and my happiness the best. So I rushed home but she wasn’t there. I guess she and Kathy must be having a good time. But now I was back and I could take care of her. I was patiently waiting for her to return home when I heard the door knob turn and open. She was back and I was so ecstatic that I hugged her badly and I kissed her so passionately that I could feel myself drowning away in that feeling which I thought was lost for sometime now. I was there with my wife celebrating the best day of my life and in her eyes I could see my happiness reflect. I had always known that she would understand me. She was my angel and I suddenly noticed that she was looking so beautiful and was in my favorite red dress.

She was not picking my call or replying to my messages. It got me thinking but I was sure she can’t really be serious when she said that we should end everything here. I was yet to creep under her skin. This cannot be happening with me. I must try and get her back and I will do it tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow seems promising and this time I won’t spare her. I will get all what I want it and no one can stop me now.

I couldn’t understand what had happened then but when he told me that he loves me I was once again in his arms and I knew nothing else. I had my Sameer back and I was happy. That was the best of night we had shared together. We kept on talking till late at night and for the first time I knew he was listening to me. I couldn’t stop myself from telling him everything. The random shopping with Kathy to even my recent fling with Harry. I told him everything and he didn’t seem to mind anything. And I was so happy to finally have him all to myself. It was the best of nights.

Harry, that bugger was after her. I had known it the day I met him and saw those mischievous eyes. But I should have been with her. It was my fault. How could I have missed that I needed to understand too that she might need me?

I cannot forgive that son of a b***h. how dare he come like this and charge me? Kathy, that stupid girl, believed her best friend over me. I wish they all go to hell. Now I need a drink badly and I guess I must call up Martha for a meet.

My dreaming phase!!!

I had a dream so real...it made me smile, and it made me feel, those things which I have always dreamt of and when I close my eyes they still are here... ♥ :)

I had such a sweet dream this evening and I seriously wanted someone to ask about it. Well the first thing I obviously did was to call him up and tell him about it. He listened to it patiently but you know how you still want to talk about something. :D That is exactly how I was feeling and so I came online and found no friend of mine who would ask me about the dream. Even my status [as stated above] was clearly stating the fact that I absolutely loved it but none asked. :(

But I have to share it somehow and what better way than to blog about it so it stays with me forever. :-)

It was around 5’o clock in the evening when while playing with Dodo [my dog] I fell off to sleep and that too on the floor. And then I saw him so clearly in my dream for the first time. It was so shitty real that even when I am thinking about it, it doesn’t feels like all this must have happened to me in a dream. It all still feels so real to me.

So as I was fast asleep I saw he was sitting in our house and smiling so shyly. It was so cute. And then Phoolmani di came up to him and offered him something to drink which he politely accepted and asked for me. I don’t remember where exactly I was standing, because the place from where I entered didn’t seem anything like my house. But since I was eyeing on his moves and was listening intently to whatever he was saying, I smiled as soon as I heard my name and perhaps even blushed a little. I am telling you this was all very real to me and it still is. Then I entered the room and our eyes met and in instant things changed as if. I was all smiling smiling and he was doing the same thing when we both looked up to the door and saw mom enter the room. He was politely answering to all the queries mom had and was smiling shyly as well. I could see it so very clearly and as I recall it now it appears to be so real.

I asked him to come up with me so that I could show him the house and when we got up, I am very sure that it wasn’t my house anymore. Anyways as we were passing from one room to another there came a moment when we were all alone. And it was a chance for me to hug him so tight and it felt as if my whole world can crumble that very instant and it wouldn’t matter at all. I felt that everything I had asked for was with me finally. The hug is still so much on my mind that I can’t believe that it was in my dream. After that I obviously wanted to kiss him and like a perfect angel he denied saying we shouldn’t do things behind the back of our parents. And I made a silly joke that I hope he wasn’t considering on kissing me in front of my parents. :D To this he said that I should stop joking and be serious and understand what exactly he means by that. This not just made me happy but I could also see why I loved him so much and to tell you the truth, my love towards him increased a little bit more. ♥

That is where my dream ended but it was no dream for me. It all stands so very real that I can still feel it. Love u dear. I don’t really know what is there for us in the future but I seriously love my present with you. :-)

Who know's me the best???!!!

Who knows me the best???

A very stupid question to ask but I try and look out for some answers…

Well to begin with, my parents. Do they know me the best? I think not because for the past few years they are busy toiling hard day and night to make my life such a heaven. And I in return am disappointing them with every damn thing possible on earth. I have realized lately that after all I am not a good daughter and that I have hardly ever cared for them. And in return of this I can’t expect them to always keep a track of whatever shit is going on inside my mind. But I wouldn’t say that they don’t try… they do but the problem lies in the fact that I don’t allow them to gain entry into my most inner thought processes. Even though they know me the best amongst all, still they don’t know me yet.

Then it is my elder sister. But I doubt how much she would know about me? Lately we have been so busy with our own personal lives that we hardly share anything with each other. Moreover both have a different set of friends’ circle and don’t perhaps feel the need anymore to share anything with one another. Nonetheless we love each other a lot but just that things have now drifted us apart from each other… :P

Them comes my friends. Well so as to speak I have lots and lots of friends who obviously don’t know much about me. It’s just that people think I am friendly and that I speak a lot so they know me the best. But if they give it a thought what they believe to know of me is only just a bit of what they think I am. :) It is tough to know someone who appears to be so friendly and talkative and so energetic because what lies beneath it might not be the same. Anyways I am not saying anything about myself. What I want to say that even though I have a hell lot of friends, they don’t know me.

Then there are my close pals. I do love them and care for them dearly. Some amongst them even don’t know how much they mean to me, maybe because I don’t want them to know :D Nonetheless these pals of mine are the best gifts on earth. They are all very sweet and caring but even they seem to lack an insight into me. I am definitely not over judging myself and presenting myself as some mysterious being. It’s just that no have has made the efforts lately to know what exactly I want or what I may like for a change. :-)

Rohil, my best buddy… even he has missed out a lot on me lately. After all he is busy with his own career and I can’t blame him for that. And I seriously want him to get the best of what life has to offer, for which the guy is working hard enough and I wish him lots and lots of love and luck. Even though he might not need it from me but buddy you have been a sweet heart. You have stood by me when there was no one around and even though I miss you so very much these days, I really can’t express much. All you need to know is that buddy I miss talking to you.

Then comes the love of my life. Even though he has the link of my blog I doubt how many times he has actually gone through it. Anyways he knows me well enough, and that is for sure. He knows exactly when I have a mood swing and knows how best to deal with it but somehow he has forgotten to know how I am doing or why these days my mood is swinging so much. :-) Well he too has a life which he too has every right to live it to the fullest so how can I expect him to give all the damn attention to me?

So the conclusion from all this is so plain and simple… I have wasted so much of my time typing this out and thinking who knows me the best but never really gave a thought on getting to know others. Strange but it’s the fact that I have been so over indulged with myself that I have completely forgotten about the rest. And now I know not what is best for me, which course of action should I take. And then others come into my life and blame me and laugh at me [which is like so needed…] yet my brains stop to function. This is clearly a sign of a confused soul. But who cares, confusions are part of our own superstitions. We just have to deal with them. Don’t know what exactly should I write more just want to be alone for a while. Just want to be away from everyone and maybe then I will be back to being my own self, not known by others and yet so known… :-)

If...

If there were words greater than my feelings...

If there were actions greater than my thoughts.

I'm sure you would have known how I feel for you

And you would have seen that my love is true...

All I have to say is that I love you :)

Love me when I'm gone

It is indeed difficult to be in a long-distance relationship. And it can get really frustrating and irritating at times that you may not even realize why all of this is happening to you. Maybe all this happens because at times when you feel like hugging that one person who is so special and precious to you, you can't. And at times when you want to talk to him so badly, and you know he is busy somewhere else and you know not of his mood, you can't do anything about it. It isn't easy to be close to someone who is physically so far away from you and you can't even reach out to him anytime and every time you want to. At times you so want him to see those tears in your eyes which others have not and you so want him to listen to your heart beat faster each time you are feeling lonely and you are sad and depressed. But then even he is not around you to realize that you are silently crying inside and the smile you wear on your face is just a mask. And then there is the fear that since he is so far away from you and home, he is all alone and you can't dump all your worries and insecurities on him. Even he has a life to live and you can't always make him listen to you when there are so many things which are still left to be done for him too and he too has every right to live his life his own way.


All this makes you think why did you ever go for a long-distance relationship. Maybe because there was no one worth you, around you, who would have understood you and stood by you, and that when you needed someone there was no one to make you feel so special as he had always done for you.


Its the magic when you look at your inbox and see his messages, even just saying a simple 'Hie' or that he is busy and will talk a little later. There's a big smile on your face just when you see his name flash on your cell phone and whenever you think of the late night conversations you had with him. All this makes you realize that he is indeed special and that he is yours. It feels great when he calls just to say that he is busy and won't be able to talk for a while or will not be able to attend your calls... they just show that somewhere back in his mind he was thinking of you even though was in the midst of all the chaos and all the engagements couldn't keep him away from thinking about you.


That is when you feel that even though there are those tough phases in your relationship you can't afford to overlook those phases when you can just laugh your heart out with him and feel special and precious whenever he is around you even though he is miles away. You feel that for a change there is someone out there who cares for you and no matter how far away he is, you know somehow that he is the one for you and you are totally committed to him. That is when you look forward to a bright future where you hope and dream and wish and pray for things far better than how they are currently going on...