IDIOT

Life... through me...!!!

2012-01-21T23:15:00.001-08:00

Life is becoming complicated by the day. I wonder what exactly I am still doing here. Yet somehow I drag on and I try my best to keep my head held high. But these days I feel so restless and irritated with myself that I can give no logical explanation for it. Seems like logic has lost its importance in my life. I remember being the confident girl who had every eye on her, criticizing her, taunting her, embarrassing her, yet she was strong enough to bear it all. But now I think that girl is lost somewhere. No matter how much I try to put the mask up, someway or the other I keep on losing out on it.

Some days back we had actually had a conversation while fighting. A lot of things which were unsaid finally came out of their wraps. And I was, for a change relieved because those things had eaten up my mind for such a long time. Seems like mom and dad too had forgotten about them, but no one knew how badly I was shaken and affected when actually I had to go through all of it. But as some poet had said, I can’t remember who, our best songs are of our saddest emotions. And I so clearly remember one of my compositions, I AM UGLY. Well it might not be a very fantastic piece of work, but for me it says the best of my emotions. And I love myself inside out and every part of me is vital to me. Only I am aware of things which I have experienced and no words can actually express it. But I try hard to express myself because I know keeping things inside me is not the best way to live through life. And the position I am right now in, it feels so frustrating to see how well I could have dealt with it, and how helpless I feel right now.

I remember always being the friendly one, the chirpy one, as many would describe, happy go lucky girl. But then there has always been a part of me which was hidden from the rest. No matter how much my expressions give away my feelings, what truly lies beneath me, stays underneath forever. And yes I did made a mistake of sharing my deepest thoughts with this someone special, with whom I thought things would turn out to be the best. But look at my over confidence and my ego, I never ever can accept that the fault lies in me. I never tried to stop it from happening. No matter how much I was scared about the future, I now know that I should expect nothing of it. From where I stand today it seems like there is no hope at all. My sleepless nights are driving me crazy. My crazy dreams are making me irritated and scared all the more. The smile I wear on my face everyday is starting to wear off. I seriously have no idea how I will deal with things anymore.

Yesterday while returning from my bro’s place, I was as always cribbing about my life. Well frankly I have no idea what I am really up to and what I am trying to do with my life. As clueless as ever, I feel like walking towards something I have neither idea about nor even the intention to walk any further. But something keeps me from giving up and yet I keep on walking. It is actually senseless of me to expect anything out of my life at all. The days I have gone through, only I know how I have survived through them. The pains stabs like a death wound. Anyways so as I was saying, dad told me that my life has only begun and that I need not worry about things because somehow or the other they will work out for the best. But how should I tell him or make him understand that things are quite different that what he perceives it to be. I know he has seen life in a much better way than I have, yet I have lost hope. And the positive me is just lost somewhere these days.

None the less I am here writing out everything. Well for a change I decided to keep my blog updated. It’s been such a long time that I have been writing for and I want to continue to do so. Writing is something which makes me feel happy and satisfied about myself and my life. It’s an absolute pleasure to see and perceive things and then to decorate them with the few words I have in my vocabulary. I know I am no award winning writer or something, but someday I hope that I will be known for my writings. After all they are an eternal part of me and who I am.

I need a distraction badly. And I know not where I will find such a distraction. Well things are very much different now. You know what I had this weird dream about this guy, one amongst the many; I have a stupid crush on. Actually it is not a crush; it’s just a liking from the far. Well anyways as I was saying, in this weird dream of mine, he came up to me and hugged me so tightly. In fact I want a hug pretty badly these days and there is absolutely no one to understand that need of mine nor am I able to make anyone understand about it. And also weirdly enough I was crying and the moment I felt the hugged, I was enveloped in these warm arms which seemed to protect me from the outside world. I felt safe and secure in those arms. I don’t really know what my dream was trying to tell me, but one thing is for sure, my dream made it pretty clear to me that am virtually depressed from the inside. The people around me fail to see it nor have I the intentions of making it clear to anyone of them.

Hey in office, I have met a few very good people and I have really happy to interact with them each day. The stupid jokes we crack and when we pull each other’s leg. It is all too much funny. I wish each of them great lives to come.

More on my stupid little useless and hopeless life later. Take care till then…

Random ramblings....!!!

2012-01-19T01:01:00.000-08:00

Somehow life is getting a little more difficult for me to live. I am so absolutely clueless about things around me. And the worst part I absolutely have no control over anything at all. Trying my best to keep my good spirits up, I fail to understand that there are powers much greater than me at work. Not only metaphorically but it’s a reality. And frankly I am out of words today and am even more confused about my feelings right at this moment, or how I should be feeling right now.

By the way have stopped reading for some weird reason. But I am sure to resume my small adventure back real soon, because I badly need the distraction again soon. Taylor has been a blessing for me indeed. That guy has no clue, but he has been such a big help and support for me all this while. Bless you Taylor Lautner. And also I think I must confess, that keeping up the pretense of liking Lautner, has made me actually like him now. So after the super duper roller coaster crush and love and loss of Hugh Jackman, my hopes have revived in the form of Taylor Lautner. How ironical it is indeed. In both the scenarios, I am well aware that I am an over-reacher and yet I have so very many hopes of these rendezvous’ of mine. Nonetheless I must admit that both Hugh and Taylor have been a great source of support, inspiration, admiration and most of all distraction for me. And no matter what I shall always remember you guys for this.

Well something happened lately of which I don’t know much of comment or say about. But I absolutely hate it when people have to suffer because of me. I am not aware of how things will be in the future, nor have I the desire to hopelessly predict it, I just want everyone to be happy around me and also I don’t want to cause trouble for everyone. And believe me when I say everyone, I mean everyone.

I did my advance birthday shopping, and I haven’t ever spent so very much on shopping. :P and now me thinking why did I had to spend so much. I will have to keep a track of my spending. I don’t want to end up spending more than what I earn.

Also I met a lot of good people indeed. And believe me when I say this, we go crazy together… and it is like actual crazy, talking about everything crappy possible on earth and yet each one of us has the ability to laugh with others as well as to laugh at ourselves. Well I hope both of these creatures I am talking about have a great future and a super awesome life to look forward to.

As already known I am in a very weird phase of a break-up where I and Ron still are unable to keep away from each other and end up talking over the phone and sharing stuff. I am also going through this weird crush phase, where I am having random crushes on these guys around me. Well to be exact the count now is… 7. And stupid I am thinking now it is not enough. Back in college days we used to have such random crushes which would crash every other minute or two. Anyways this reminds me about those crazy days when I had a Nature Boy in my life… :P Those days were fun. Wow! How much I wish I was back in school or college, not university of course. :D

I heard Prof.CG lef t CU. Well I wish the man best of everything and I will miss him for his absolutely outstanding classes for Christabel. I remember being apprehensive at the beginning of the year, when I came to know that one of my favorite poets, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, was to be taught by anyone else except Prof.BD. Oh! How can I forget those classes of Kubla Khan, when I would literally hang on the words spoken by my very own Greek God? He was flawless and just perfect. Prof. BD had created such a high level of expectations within me that I found it hard to believe that anyone has the capability to reach that level. But it was Prof. CG who proved me so very wrong. Those days of Christabel shall always be in my mind. Thanks to both of my professors. I am seriously going to miss some great days and moments of my life.

I just realized that I have written quite a lot. Hopefully will be able to update certain cool things or maybe a poem or two soon. Just waiting for the right kind of inspiration. By the way my last poem about the Angel Face was written when I went to visit the Doctor for Mom. :P Anyways more updates later… got to go now.!!!

An Angel Face...

2012-01-01T09:15:00.000-08:00

It was one of those many days,

When I felt like going all away

And yet I was here, waiting for my turn,

Looking around faces unknown, just for some fun.

It was then that something bright caught me by surprise

Right around the room, at one corner he stood and smiled.

A face so sweet and so innocent

I could feel his happiness and it was so pleasant.

His perfect smile so subtle and angelic,

His eyes sparkled when he looked towards me.

It was surprising to see how he kept on smiling

Disappointed, just to realize that it wasn’t for me.

The smile so special and so very precious

Went across me to someone he truly treasured.

It was his life which he had smiled upon

It was his wife who was standing around.

His child slept peacefully in her arms

I am sure he too will have his father’s smile so warm.

So this is how an angel face came alive

Just to add to my sweet memory of a sweet smile.

Yours forever... ME!!!

2011-12-22T22:29:00.000-08:00

I am seriously angry on my own self. No matter how many times I will try to make myself understand, I will inevitably make the same mistakes over and over again and then regret about it. Lately the only thing going on in my mind is that no matter what I am not supposed to repeat my mistakes ever again and hurt myself like this.

It’s surprisingly to actually be able to understand the true feelings behind the lines. I had heard or perhaps read somewhere, looks like a very raunchy romantic line, but I don’t know why it sounds so true to me today.

“Loving you is as easy as breathing. And how can you ask me suddenly to stop breathing?”

Wow! I didn’t realize that it could actually hurt so much. I so much can relate to these lines that I seriously am short of words and expressions to go ahead and share or even express my feelings, even to myself for that matter. But today I feel I should finally speak a little about it because I am going crazy and I seriously cannot take it anymore.

I still remember how I had made him confess his love to me. And I know he had so much loved confessing it to me that each month he would make it a point to go ahead and propose to me. Gosh… now that I look back to it, it seems like I will never ever be able to feel so very special with anyone. And in so very many ways that is actually true, and I won’t deny the fact that he will always be a part of me and my life, no matter if we are together or not. Feels like a sharp knife is being stabbed inside my heart. That is how all those poets came up with such great lines and feelings of love, that somehow today I can understand the true meaning of each one of them and can feel their loneliness too. In so many ways I can relate to the love lost lovers, their depressions, yet their hopefulness about the future. I only wish I could have been able to compose such great poetry in my despair as well. But somehow I am so scared to even dwell into the thoughts of a wonderful two and a half year long journey that I feel I will only hurt myself more. I still have this stupid pride and ego in me which keeps saying that I always did right and that somehow things will work out for me for the best. But my brain knows there is nothing left to be done except to quit. And look at my super duper bad luck I can’t even quit. I can’t even run away from my family and my parents, or my friends. Well in a way I have been able to successfully hide from most of my friends, as I believe only 1% of my friends know about this break-up and I didn’t feel like sharing such grand news with any of my other friends. Well this isn’t grand news that it can actually be shared with everyone. Someday maybe when I will actually have good news in my life, I will go ahead and make sure to involve all of my friends in it. But as of now I don’t feel like making my friends a part of my sad and depressing life.

And my super duper sad super sad life, I am listening to all kinds of stupid romantic songs and I wish he could have heard me saying all this to him. But what was bound to happen, did happen. And well I don’t regret falling in love, and having perhaps the best time of my adult life, but what I regret it, that I just couldn’t sustain it. And whenever I look or hear about other couples, all I can be is just be jealous of them. Mostly because of the sole reason that I too had something like them, but had to give it all up.

I know many will ask why I gave up so easily. Well, to say the truth, it has by far been the toughest decision I had to take. But I know how family is and how important family is for someone like me. And I respect the fact and I can say that I am strong enough to give up on love because of my family. From my early childhood I have always said this and will say it time and again, that family comes first for me. And I will do anything and everything to honor my relationship with my family. They deserve every bit of what I am today and I cannot deny them that.

But then it’s actually difficult to give up on breathing but definitely I am trying my best and practicing somehow to keep myself within myself and not letting others know that oxygen is not the sole reason of my survival.

I just don’t know how well to explain what I felt whenever he was around me, even if it was over the phone or a message. From early childhood, everyone knows and it is no secret that I have been a tough girl, some call such a girl a tomboy, in a world full of boys. I have fought and fought hard every step of my life and in this endless battle to try and prove myself strong and tough, somewhere I just forgot who I was. At times I purposely would act messed up so that Mom would look at me and scold me and try to make me look pretty. But slowly it became a habit and I was never ever bothered about how I looked. If I looked at my mirror more than once in a day, I wonder the mirror would also think whether or not I have gone mad. But somehow with him, it was a completely different feeling. I no longer had to pretend to be the super strong female I was known to be. I could be stupid and childish, the one I really was from the inside and I still am from the inside. Only I know how important that feeling was and still is for me. And frankly I don’t have enough words to express the feeling I have with him. He made me come close to myself and made me realize so very many things I never ever thought existed in me. I could be vulnerable in front of him and cry my heart out to him. I could even blush, well a thing I had not known existed in me before. Gosh! If I go on describing the feelings I had and still have, then it will take ages out of me.

Also I am getting older by the day. And I seriously don’t see a point in looking out and preparing myself for another heart break. Because a part of me still belongs to me and somehow I cannot give up on this stupid thought that someday soon everything will be alright, even though I am very confident that nothing is ever supposed to happen between us after our break-up. I just cannot imagine myself with anyone else. And I even shudder to think that he can be married off to someone else. I am trying every way possible to distract myself so that I won’t have to see him again and think about him again. But as you can see how miserably I am failing in my futile attempts. But one good news, now I am head over heels for Taylor Lautner. Well actually I am not, but pretending to be so, I am sure I am soon to only think about him and no one else in the process. So the futile effort is on, let’s hope it works for the best. Thank you Taylor for being there for me, you would never know, but you are helping a lot these days. I sincerely wish I could meet you someday. Well for Hugh Jackman, I used to call him my Hugh, but now that he is gone, I believe he is actually Hugh Jackman for me, someone I can never meet in my life, nor can ever speak to, but all I could ever do is wish that we were together. Isn’t that such a pathetic state of affairs for someone like me?

I so wish I could be a child again. But unfortunately I am in such a stage of my life where I am supposed to behave myself once again, in fact as always. All my life all I have done is behaving myself and act mature. Well it is time to be back to what I was always. I never had the liberty to act childish and appear cute to others. Well I guess God never intended it to be that way. You know it doesn’t actually matters how you are from your heart, as long as you look beautiful and charming, and can flatter people, you are the best. Unfortunately I suck at each one of these aspects, so no scope for me. Yet somehow I manage to carry on and do my work in the best way I can.

Also I am having these random crush on people I don’t even know. But I do have these crushes. Frankly I don’t want any thing else to do with love, but I don’t know why this stupid heart still beats. Wasn’t it stabbed by a knife sometime back? Yet it manages to beat. Damn!

Anyways too much is said by now. Need to go away and rest my head in peace for sometime.

Take care guys and especially take care my stupid heart. I don’t want to be hurt ever again. Please be a lot considerate about this fact and kindly keep me away from distractions which can be injurious to my health.

Yours forever

ME!!!

Pleasantries...

2011-12-21T22:48:00.000-08:00

So many afternoons have gone

So many days I was left alone.

Little did I realize it until now,

Things aren’t the same somehow.

My initial wish was to avoid him completely

But the desire to see him once again arose so urgently

That there was no other way left out

For me to consider over it or about.

My Greek God, majestic on his throne

Looked so perfect yet so forlorn.

His perfect smile and his greeting of a simple Hi!

I wished that very moment I could have died.

But I felt at ease around him this moment,

At times mesmerized by his sweet innocence.

Oh! Now I remember how I had smiled and blushed

Every time he looked my way or passed by me in a rush.

I felt like being that stupid once again

But somehow I waited for my confidence to regain.

And surprisingly we shared a joke or two

And the sarcasm couldn’t hide his self so true.

Alas! I turned towards the prettiest damsel in town

Surprised and pleasantly shocked, she looked around.

Her cold nature appeared so cool today

I just couldn’t picture her any other way

She looked a little pale and somehow so young

Just a sweet thing and pretensions were none.

We had a great chat and she seemed so concerned

Lastly all she did was invite me for her concert.

A pleasant day it was for me

To be back in the once magical land

And to be amongst those who had cared

And today somehow I bother to share

The most expensive feelings I have

For those who would no longer be there.

Dead Love

2011-11-27T13:06:00.000-08:00

As I look back at those fun days of school

I remember how everything appeared so refreshingly cool

I thought back then that love was costly and never for sale

And my life would be no less than a Cinderella’s tale.

Little did I realize then that my fate was tied

To all those stories, where all the lovely women died

Of love. They smiled like me even in their pain,

Now I know that love cannot happen again.

The lonely Lady of Shalott had only once left her tower

To see the courageous Sir Lancelot near the river.

And on her fell the brunt of a curse so grave

She escaped her lonely existence and came out so brave.

Floating down the river smooth, she sang

Of her only boon. She died near that very river bank

And only the Knight in the shining armor praised out lot

For the lovely corpse of the beautiful Lady of Shalott.

Her hair was damp, on her last cold rainy night.

She had come out in the darkness, to fulfill her only delight.

Her trust, her faith lay all in his bare arms

But he strangled her thrice and kept her warm.

Her perfectly pure and good self did he try to preserve

And he felt perfect when he realized what he truly deserved.

It was no guilt, but guilt was all he might have tamed

Even then Porphyria’s Lover never got himself a name.

I too wanted to have a story so intense and yet so pure

Even if it might end in death, but not too tough to endure.

Today the passion is spent, and now I wish it was not.

I hope someday to find a place from where some love can be bought.

But now the heart is broken and I am looking for my last sleep

I know that I only got what my deeds have truly reaped.

I look forward to see myself in the morning light

As each day goes by and I too am bound to die.

The story of a Hopeless Romantic

2011-11-24T21:02:00.000-08:00

This story is only and only about me. So I believe others should not feel offended by the things I have perceived over the years. Well on second thoughts, how many of them will read this to even go ahead and analyze my thoughts. Even though my story begins the moment I was born but I will skip quite a number of years of my life and go ahead only with those years of my life which will show how hopelessly romantic I am and can be.

I was never an avid reader. I was not introduced to books for quite a considerable period of my life. Even though I had read hindi comics and a few English children books here and there, I truly cannot recall any such book which might have triggered my being such a romantic. However TV was an important part of my life. I remember watching TV from the very early days of my life. Cartoons, hindi movies, serials have always been like a daily dose of entertainment for me. Watching the wonderful world of fiction had always attracted me and kept me wondering if life too could be so beautiful and magical.

The innocence of Pingo, the adventurous nature of Mogwli, the naughty nephews of Uncle Scrooge, the cute gummy bears, the courageous yet stupid LaunchPad, the pretty Daisy Duck in love with Donald Duck and the happy couple of Mickey and Minnie Mouse with their pet dog Pluto. Wow!!! Those were some days to reckon with. I wish I too was a comic character running around with them in all the adventures and laughing with them. Disney was an important part of my life back then. The magical carpet, Genie and Aladin’s friendship and the beautiful princess Jasmine, each one of them made me feel like a part of their lives. Then came the era of Cartoon Network with Scooby Doo, Noddy, Dexter, Johnny Bravo, Popeye, and more and more characters.

Life was so beautiful and colorful indeed. The stupid hindi films also added to it where love stories came to a happy ending and with all the singing and dancing around the trees made me wonder if real life romance too would be this good.

As I became a teenager this new rage of being in love, roaming around with a boyfriend became like this thing everyone was craving for. English songs were a privilege now. I changed schools but it was only in class 11 that I was introduced properly to books and to English movies, being the true force behind making me an actively hopeless romantic. Books brought another world in front of my eyes when cartoons didn’t hold any more importance in my life. Life was so unreal back then. Looking back at those days make me wonder whether I actually was like that. But I enjoyed every moment of my life back then. There were good and bad days yet I held this feeling very close to my heart that soon everything will be alright. There will be a miracle and things would take a turn for the best of my interests. Well even though I had dreamt a lot about me being in love and had by now prepared a long list of things I want in my partner, I always wished (and I still do) that I get to be in love with only one person for the rest of my life and he would be the only one in my life in whose arms maybe someday I will die. I was so naïve back then and maybe I am so still now because I firmly believe love happens only once and well my chance with love is over and done with. No more do I desire to be hugged tightly and to walk beside someone hand in hand, to blush every time when that special someone would look into my eyes. Well to tell you the truth, that special someone is lost forever now. I seriously never thought this day would come in my life when I would have to give up on my dream which I had held onto for such a long time. But reality bites as well as slaps hard across the face.

I remember watching Kate and Leopold and wondering how a man can be. This was the first time I fell half in love with Hugh Jackman. One must watch the movie; he is such a sweet heart. Then came the stupid phase where I was running after these bollywood actors who no longer attract me. However Hrithik has managed to be still there somehow. I remember watching him in Jodha Akhbar. Well I remember the day as well when I and Chaiji (my grandmother) went out for the movie only because it was getting too stuffy in the house. Hrithik was simply wow!!! I remember later that night chatting with my friend and how we both were conspiring to rape Hrithik… Hehehe… that was fun indeed.

College life was fun. I got to read more books and even poems and watched a lot more movies now. Poems made me go madder than ever. Now I had company of these wonderful poets who too like me where hopeless romantic and in a way encouraged me to be so all through my college life. I met a lot of people here and well I had my share of crushes and crashes too. But all was in good faith and even though the days are long gone I remember the time I have spent with each one of my friend and it still gives me the feeling of being so very special. Especially the second year of my life, it was rocking and I was a Raw-Queen then!!! Organizing the fests, running here and there, officially bunking classes, always smiling, and a host of other stuff too. Well in this phase of my life, I remember hugging my juniors a lot and I must mention this that Aubhi was my first tight hug ever. It was the day he had returned from his NCC camp and one other time when he had won the CR elections when I was in 3^rd year. It was only in 3^rd year that I came to know who my true friends were. Pallavi was sick for most part of the 3^rd year and I was also into politics and fortunately or unfortunately was a part of the School Students’ Union. Even though I turned out to be a shrewd politician (which I thought I was not capable of) I had lot of fun with that as well. I remember this late evening meeting we members had to attend and how Jonathan and Aubhi stayed back with me. Especially Jon, both of us talked non stop that day and I still am so grateful to both of them for being around there for me like this.

The birthday parties at my house where rocking and seriously I love my parents for agreeing to my demands every now and then. I used to tell dad almost everything about my everyday conquests of finding new places to shop at and bunk classes to watch movie and stuff. Then came Bhavans and Cu. During this phase I was not much in touch with my guy friends nor did I make any new guy friends. However this was the time when these special people in my life came to meet me. My true best friend whom I have lately hurt so much that he perhaps, or I am absolutely sure of, hates my guts and this true and first love of mine, who seems to have given up on me and seems to refuse to fight for me. In the past few days I have truly realized that whatever goes around comes around. I have caused so many heart breaks over the years, my heart too was bound to be shattered this badly. I seriously cannot complain about any of this to anyone. Because I know everything happens for a reason and I did deserve being used and misused over time and so it shall be. Today I don’t have a friend left with to share my feelings. Well its not that my friends have abandoned me or something. It is just that I have abandoned each one of them and I have consciously decided not to discuss my feelings and emotions with any one of them.

Hopeless romantic in love expects a hell lot of things from life. I imagined so many things which were never bound to happen and never thought of those things which were bound to happen. And so I am suffering right now. I should have been a better judge of the people around me. But as the saying goes, only God can judge me, who the hell am I to go around and judge people and pass my judgment unto them. Even after so many things have happened I am still expecting that somehow a miracle would happen and everything will be the way it was supposed to be in my dreams. But the truth is there is no prince charming, nor am I a damsel in distress waiting to be rescued. Well in a way I am the modern damsel in distress who desperately wants to be rescued but then as of now there are more important things in life which needs to be taken care of. And I frankly have no time in thinking about the stupid hopeless romantic stuff which might have happened in the past or which I have always dreamt of.

Well I know it’s cruel and being cold blooded, but now I think I have a chance to meet someone taller than me. Even though I doubt how much of love I would be able to give anyone but I guess I am once again ready to fall in love. But on second thoughts I won’t because I am done with the quota of being in love and trust is a word I cannot trust anymore. So I guess whatever has happened has happened for the best and its time I face the reality and be practical for a chance. Romance is a crucial part of life and I shall not give up on it. But yes, from now on I will do things for myself. Well even though I have always done things for myself, but now I will make sure not to regret any decisions I have taken. And most importantly will not cause embarrassment or hurt my parents in any ways. I know they trust and respect each one of my decision a lot, but its time I give them back what they truly deserve. I know in this new mission of my life (well this has been a mission of my life for quite sometime now) my Bhagwanji will always stay by my side.

The tale of a Hopeless Romantic shall continue. There is no end to it. Well I think now I will start reading the Twilight series and revive the romantic in me. And at the same time be the practical girl who will never regret decisions in her life. I know there might be a Gerry (P.S. I Love You) there for me, who would love me the moment he would see me, I know I will find my Jacob (Twilight series) who would love me and be by my side no matter what. But till then let me enjoy my rendezvous with these fictional characters and let me have the time of my life.

P.S. I want to watch cartoons again. Anyone reading this knows the torrent links of the cartoons I have just mentioned, please post them in the comments. Thank You!

Never Again!!!

2011-11-24T11:02:00.001-08:00

I don’t know where to start today from and what exactly to type out. So many things have happened recently that I seriously don’t know what to do about them except to perhaps forget them but then how?

I always thought that I am this perfect girl with little imperfections which I can choose not to think about. But today I still can see how everyone is still biased about certain things which only make it all the more worse for my living around them. Happiness is just a state of mind, and it is absolutely true. We can choose to be happy even in a very difficult or even a very sad situation. And that is why I can say yes I am happy. Being positive, hoping for the best of everything is what I have left with and seriously I just can’t stand it anymore. I need to get out of here and get away from everyone for ever. But as always my dream trips remain a stupid dream of mine and I have no other way except to crib and cry about it or to write about it.

Anyways so I have always thought of myself to be perfect. This being absolutely normal as everyone considers themselves to be so. Being a perfect girl I aspire to be the best at everything. And most importantly being perfect for me means that I am able to give my mom and dad that happiness which they have always deserved. I seriously I can’t stand to see them upset or down about anything and so I make it a point to love and help my parents everyway possible. And what is best is the fact that my parents love and support me equally. They always have shown faith and trust in me and all of my decisions. But somehow today I feel like a total let down to them. Things better left unsaid have lately been the reason for all the worries and concern of my parents. I know they won’t say anything but deep inside they know that I will never purposely hurt them. They suffer because at present I am suffering and there is no one to share all this suffering with.

From the outside I have always been a happy-go-lucky person but what is inside me stays inside and it hurts badly. I seriously don’t know how to express myself and how exactly to explain what I am going through right now. What hurts the most is the thought that I have let my parents down and have somehow abused the trust and faith they had in me. If only I could turn back time and make things right. Then this wouldn’t have happened ever.

An important lesson learnt and now I will be more cautious and more attentive not to do anything silly like this ever in my life. Certain things should always be at a shoulder’s distance and should never be entertained in life. I knew life was no cake walk, had it been so, life would have been so uninteresting, monotonous and boring. But I never thought my life would turn out to be like this. I was so freaking sure of it and look at me where I am standing right now. A loser!!!

Never again!!!

I promise to myself Never Again!!!

The irony of my life… :-)

2011-11-11T10:31:00.001-08:00

It is really ironical to realize how things work out to be. I seriously have a hell lot to talk about and yet lack the slightest inclination to discuss it at all. At best I can do is keep quite about it and be happy with what ever I am left me.

From hereon things will be a lot different and hopefully a lot better.

Cheers to my evil living LIFE!!!

OuR LoVE SToRy!!!

2011-10-30T12:17:00.000-07:00

Being a strong-headed girl, I always liked sticking up to the real people in the real world. But this net addiction was really like getting onto me these days. It was like I had to sit and chat with strangers sitting thousands of miles away, chatting about some random stuff, without actual sense or meaning. It was like the real people and this new virtual world were coming together for me. I would talk about my real life with these unknown creatures I met online. Some I met were good, some were okay and some didn't really make an impression in my mind even to think about them at present.

Computers were the new "in" thing in all of our lives. It started like this weird craze for all the children and the adults. Even our schools started giving computer lessons. There was a time when no one had even heard of a computer but now people had started getting access to it. If you had a computer at your place, damn, you were supposed to be rich. And then there were other factors too. Since it was becoming the new in thing, its importance in future was realized and foreseen. So one had to know about the computers.

I had initial computer classes in my school and moreover by now, thanks to Mom and Dad, we already had a computer at our place. I even joined a computer course and was doing really great in it. It was all fun. After computers came the internet. An absolute substitute for telephones telegraphs and letters. There were so many things you could have access to with the net. Sitting at home, one could talk and chat with people far away from you. Share pictures, watch TV and videos, get information instantly, and then e-mailing. With the rise of craze for internet, rose a craze to be a member of the social networking sites where people from different states, countries and religions could come together, interact and talk, discuss, do whatever was possible by the internet. It was great fun.

Initially I was a little apprehensive about this whole internet thing, but then I started enjoying it. I had never expected people online to be their real self whenever we chatted and interacted. I soon became a registered member of some of the social networking sites and started with my life online. It was cool to get to see real people actually chatting with; each of them had their own different thoughts and personalities. It was fun to meet new people without actually meeting them.

But my love story isn't all about the fun and frolic one can get out of the net. It is even more than that.

By now I was a part of this virtual world for almost three years. And in real life, I was having a great time. Even though I had met a lot of guys, both in the real and in the virtual world, I was still looking for my prince-charming. I too wanted to fall in love and to have someone real special in my life. I too was after all a normal girl at heart. Even to others I was this tough nut who wouldn't crack and could scare the huge creatures. But I definitely had met someone special. In fact there were quite a number of specials in my life by now.

In my real world I had found this tall guy, decent looking, a little dumb but caring. In the virtual world too I had found a bunch of tall guys who were so caring and special. But as they say you get what you deserve. And since I knew I deserve the best, so I had to be a little patient as well.

Well, it was true that I met my sweet-heart online. Thanks to this specific social networking site where we interacted for the very first time. And soon we were out of the online scenario and were calling each other (mostly he would call me up, because I was and I still am a big miser), exchanging messages and laughing at silly jokes, sharing our thoughts, feelings and our selves. Initially I definitely was a bit apprehensive about this virtual relation turning out to be real, but then the happiness I gained from all of this, the smile which automatically grew on my face whenever I saw his name flash on my cell phone was definitely making me feel real special. I have no clear recollections of our very first phone conversation, but as he says, and yes I do believe him, I appeared to be this arrogant snob who was really difficult to handle. But then also we both were talking over the phone almost all through the day. One fine day I was sitting all by myself and thinking is this something special. And to my surprise I did feel special. I purposely made him propose to me because I wanted to see how this would work out. There was this eagerness to know how a virtual relation can become real and also I for a change wanted to feel special. After he proposed, I wasn’t exactly serious for the initial months where he grew possessive about me. But within a couple of months I realized how very special and precious he was to me and everything else didn’t matter. That was the moment I started giving my 110% to our love relationship. We were officially dating for about a year, when my birthday came and I so wanted him to be here with me, but unfortunately he had to go out for some work. However he kept promising me a surprise gift, I so wanted him to be here with me.

My birthday came and left, but the package hadn't arrived yet and Ronie, my cuchie-poo, kept on saying that because of some postal problems the package wasn't coming. It was over a week now, when on a Sunday afternoon, on the call of the doorbell I got up and opened my door. To my utter surprise, it was Ronie standing in front of me. I felt as if I was dreaming but then could it be real? Oh my God! What am I supposed to do? How should I welcome him? Should I kiss him or should I hug him? What should I do? There were a thousand questions running through my mind and seriously I was absolutely clueless about what I should be doing. As I unlocked the collapsible doors of my house, I just couldn’t help staring at him. I wanted to scream and shout and say so much to him and yet I was speechless. All I could do was stare at his eyes and see him and make sure that it wasn’t a dream. That is when he pinched me hard on my hand and I realized it was real. God! It was all real and it was actually happening to me. He was here and yes he was mine. I was smiling and yet I realized that tears were there too when he brushed off the tears from my cheeks and that was the first time he touched me.

I can feel the warmth of his hands on my cheek even today. Well we are getting engaged today and yes virtual love stories do come true. Who said there has to be love at first sight? Love can grow naturally, take its turns and twists and then come to you. I was so much in love and whoever met me, said the same. Initially both of our parents were a little apprehensive about the marriage, as he is a Gujrati and I am a Punjabi. But our love passed the tests of our families and it was the day for us.

I saw Ronie entering the hall, smiling at me and looking so damn handsome in his blue sherwani. I too was in blue; we both had coordinated the dress for our engagement day. Even though marriage was due two more years, both the families had decided that a small engagement ceremony should be performed so that even when both of us go out together, the society will have no qualms about it. And both of us were more than happy to perform this ceremony as well.

When Ronie stood beside me for the ceremony, all I could do was stare at him. I even forgot about the ceremony and it felt as if there were only two of us there in that hall. But my sister tapped me gently on my shoulders when I came back to my senses. After the ceremony was over and everyone went back home, Ronie called me and asked me to join him for a long drive. Even though I was tired I went out with him, moreover I had no other option left, and he was already standing near my house, waiting for me. I tiptoed out of my room and left the house all in silence.

Ronie came out of the car and hugged me so tightly I felt I would crumble in his arms. I saw there were tears in his eyes and it made me feel so special. The entire drive, I kept staring at him while all he could do was smile back and even perhaps blush a little. Ronie is not a man of speech, but his gestures are enough for me to understand that yes I am special for him. At the almost end of the road, he parked his car and asked me to come out. I did so and to my utter surprise Ronie held me closer to him and kissed me so passionately I felt like a candle melting with the heat. He hugged me tighter and held me close to him. It was the first time I could feel his sexuality coming out so strong to me. Ronie had always liked hugging me but today there was something different about him.

“Today, you have made me the luckiest guy alive. I never knew what the actual meaning of love was until I met you. I had a past with girls where in my mind I had held them close to me and uttered the praises of love, but today when I am with you I don’t feel like speaking at all but only holding you tight close to me. This has been a special day for me and you don’t know how very special I feel today. I have never felt so much love in my entire life which I feel from you. You are my strength, my support, my love, my life and everything. I shall promise to always stand by your side and never to leave you again. But today I must ask something from you.”

This last statement made me wonder what he possible could want now. Was he going to propose marriage? But then isn’t the date already been set after 2 years? Was something wrong? Did anything happen at the home? I was full of questions, when Ronie broke his hug and looked straight into my eyes. I knew whatever he was about to say was something really serious. And so he continued,

“I know I shouldn’t be doing this to you but then I have got this offer from my office. They want to send me to France for three years on a contractual basis. I know this is a big decision and with the marriage and everything else lined up, I really don’t know what to do. But I also realize this is an offer of a lifetime and if I succeed in this project, there is nothing in the world which could stop me. We could live a life of luxury together and even have a better and brighter future. But I am confused; I want you to make this decision for me. I just can’t think of anything I just want you to decide for me.”

I looked into his eyes and saw the love and trust he has for me. I so wanted to say no to the trip. After all we were supposed to get married but then I shouldn’t also be stopping him from following his dream and be the successful person he wants to be. I knew what I had to do and so I asked, “When do you have to leave?”

Ronie, “By tomorrow night, if I do not want to be late”.

I had no words at all to say to him. He had made up his mind and I could see he wanted to leave, not because of the success but for us. So I asked him to pack his bags and leave and I would take care of my parents and my relatives.

The day he entered the check-in counter of the airport was the last of what I saw of him. Initially there were a lot of problems managing the time for talking and stuff. But soon we gave in to talking once in a week as it was expensive too. Slowly a lot more things changed and things came and went away but thankfully we both were still together. At least that is what I thought.

As he walks out of the arrivals alley, I see him smiling back at me. He has changed so much over these three years. Grown a lot more mature and manly I guess. He hugged me tightly and got down on his knees. He proposed to me in front of everyone right in the middle of the busy airport and all I could do was nod a yes and blush a little.

After four years of our engagement, Ronie and I were finally getting married. The preparations were made, the flowers arranged properly, the hall decorated, the food ready and everyone eagerly waiting for the moment. But more than them, I was eager to be married to Ronie and be with him forever. The time had finally come and we have had our share of fights, distance, love and everything else. But now was the moment of utter truth, the moment of our love when everything else ceased to matter and all what mattered was that we are going to be together forever.

Ronie over the years we both have been together and have witnessed the best and worst of life. All I can say to this day is that you are the one for me and no matter what… life and love both are incomplete without you. Love you so much my baby.

..................................................................................................................................

I know this story has some changes and some assumptions of the future but you know what baby, with you around me everything else doesn’t matters. I just wanted to write something inspired by us and even though I had started writing this story long back, it was only today that I found an ending to it. An ending which shall be remembered by everyone. You are the special one for me and no matter what, I know God has great plans for both of us together. Every time you look into my eyes and cause me to blush, every time you hug me a little tight and kiss me on my forehead and my nose, tells me that we are made for each other and as many believe, “Our love story has been written by God Himself”. Love you now and forever and it is not just for the sake of saying, you know it too that all of it is true. I know we both have to a little more patient but with someone like you by my side I know life can be so easy going and filled with happiness. Love you…

The unsaid emotions...

2011-10-30T05:39:00.001-07:00

Well yesterday I met two of my friends, one of them is getting married in December and we got discussing about zodiac signs and stuff. So here I was back at home, after a day full of weird events and a lot of irritation due to a number of reasons and started to google on zodiac signs and their compatibility. Isn’t it funny how superstitious we behave once we hear something negative from someone…

I went through our zodiac signs compatibility and as expected everything was negative about the so called us. I was highly irritated when I came across this website which was my savior. I loved the way things had been explained and how positive its outlook was.

The main purpose of writing this post here isn’t about zodiac signs and astrology it was for some other reason which is better left unsaid. At times I feel so tired of everything around me. The last escape of mine was horrible. That is the only reason why FB doesn’t have a new album of this super bad escape of mine. I just wish somehow to undo those days and be back here. Nonetheless what has happened is best gone and forgotten. So I would not talk about it anymore.

Then comes the time when life becomes so difficult when two people are not ready to accept each others presence. I am to be blamed as much as the other person involved, yet there are things which my morals or my values do not permit me to do and so I rather not get involved in things which mean nothing to me. Lately it has become so difficult to talk to someone. Typing is better way of venting out my feelings I believe. Even though I don’t write half the things but still someway or the other my emotions and feelings meet a way to be expressed. Having said and done enough… I just feel like going away and shutting my brain, locking it up.

Take care!!!

And I still can Dream!!!

2011-10-24T12:48:00.000-07:00

Weird dreams have I encountered lately. Not just has the sleeping time increased for me but these weird dreams keep me wondering what is in store of me in the future. Well for a change future seems to me scary but in these dreams of mine it was kind of exciting and adventurous. So let me try and get into the tit bits about my dreams.

This dream I had earlier was about a cruise ride or something of that sort. I was with my family, and it felt as if I was back in Andaman and Nicobar Islands but then somehow it was much different this time. The ocean was huge and dangerous; the ship I was in was humongous, and it seemed to be dancing on the ocean bed where very interestingly there was tall column of pillars and it had these images sculpted on them and it felt as if the columns belonged to the Greek. I even heard the name of Zeus being uttered by someone and there was a male figure with flowing hair which occurred to me. I climbed down what seemed like a bridge but actually was the ship, leaving my family behind me and felt closer to the water and could feel it on my body as well. As soon as we got down from the ship I saw this huge gate close behind us and I was walking across a garden and met a family whom I had not met before and introduced them to my family and we kind of planned a day out together.

This dream was very weird and I just couldn’t get the head and tail of it. Yet I was there and sometimes I was scared, especially walking down the ship, and at times I was happy and excited and while sitting almost near the bottom of the ship I remember feeling sad. And the image of the male figure is still so clear to me that I cannot explain.

This second dream I had was all the more weird. I am supposedly in Delhi with 3 of my other friends. Only one friend can I recognize among the 3 and the rest 2 still remain a mystery to me. However I remember clearly that we were a group of 2 guys and 2 girls. So I see that we are standing in this weird office which is supposed to go through our closet to determine whether or not we will get an id of being a Delhite. Since none of us were Delhite, we pretended that we were and got our closets out and there was a huge truck and my closet had all my belongings and two suitcases and stuff like that. There was a female officer who was questioning us about many things and even after we filled the forms and got our pictures clicked for the ID, my other friends got scared and decided to leave their belongings and leave. I kept asking them not to do so or else we would not get this card, but they left. I even asked the authorities to hurry up and make the card because if my friends leave I will have to carry my closet myself and it will really be difficult while I have such a long way to go and even the metro would not accommodate me. I don’t know exactly how that argument was settled but the next thing I know is I am on a plane going somewhere, seemed like Dubai but it was more of Europe I believe. So anyways we go to this university where we are to stay. And also by ‘we’, I don’t mean the 3 friends about whom I mentioned earlier, now it was a huge group of people who had traveled so far with their ids. I got to see three of my old school and college mates in this university and was surprised to see how much they had changed over the years. Especially the girl from my school who was supposed to be so shy, was now daringly wearing a short dress and kept her hair lose and looked quite good. Not only I but another of my school mate, who also was in this trip and yet didn’t talk to me much, she also was surprised. Next I ran up to meet a nurse or was she a doctor exactly I don’t remember to ask whether or not we were to get vaccinations since we were tourists and their might be certain amount of precautions which need to be taken. But she replied in negative and asked me how I know of the procedure; I proudly claimed that I had seen it in lots of movies, well for real I can’t remember any such movie. Nonetheless she was impressed by my knowledge and said she would ask the authorities and would let me know if any such thing was meant to be done. By the time I returned back in the lobby area everyone was scattered since rooms were allotted to each one of us. However in the list my name and that id number were missing. So I contacted the reception and they said I have a special room only for me. It was like a trailer kind of room, very small though very spacious. I remember the cool cabinet which had drawers and had place to hang my clothes and also had space to keep my 2 suitcases in an orderly manner. It was really interesting. Later we all got ready, though I only saw myself leave the university to go out and take a look around the campus and get a hang of things.

At this point I was made to forcefully wake up since it was almost near the end of the day and start of the afternoon and it was time to wake up. In this dream all I felt was confused, happy, excited, surprised and feelings like that.

Both the dreams were very confusing and weird for me even today. Lately so many things are going on in my mind, I wonder if they are manifestations of my own sub conscious mind. Yet I don’t get logic in any of the dreams. Am I supposed to go on a foreign holiday or am I supposed to look out for certain interesting happenings in the near future? There are so many things I can and yet I cannot make out of my dreams. Yet I seriously wish to go on a trip and have the time of my life. Till then cheers to me, my crazy life and my weird dreams!!!

A mistake I will try not to repeat again.

2011-10-18T00:14:00.001-07:00

Yes I admit it was entirely my mistake to have anticipated so much and expected so much that all I got was disappointment. Well to be frank, it was quite sometime now and I was actually looking forward to a change. I thought it would be good for me but little had I known then that it would all be a nightmare I rather could have avoided, if only I had never been so excited about the trip. Well so here I am narrating my trip… it is entirely my account of the trip and this here only n only refers to my perception of things. No harm meant to anyone purposely, so buckle up and read about my bumpy ride.

It was on Saturday that we had to board the plan. As anticipated the last few days weren’t very exciting because of reasons which are best hidden, yet luckily I had a great time with my old school friends who were a blessing in disguise. Seriously I never ever had imagined that I would be so comfortable with those friends whom I had ceased to know after class VII. Anyways there were reasons both to rejoice and be disappointed before I had boarded the flight to Delhi.

Well the flight was fine, not comfortable, however I do recommend the sandwich which indeed was tasty. So finally the flight landed and we were here in Delhi. Well I don’t know why but somehow my spirits weren’t very high yet I pretended to be excited. But after waiting for almost half an hour for someone to come and receive us in the airport I was very much irritated. The problem is I hate waiting, waiting for anyone. And they not just kept me waiting; they also kept my mother waiting, which was all the more irritating. Anyways, hiding my disappointment I embarked to a journey which seemed to be never ending. Finally we reached our destination, well I would like to call it Hell Hole, but keeping in mind the sentiments and emotions attached of my very dear ones, I will prefer it being addressed as a Black Hole or BH.

The first night was fine, but hardly had 5 minutes gone that all I could hear was complaints, so unnecessary and uncalled for, especially to those who come from so far. But what else can you expect in a BH. Anyways the next day I was supposed to meet my friend, I will not say friends, because the others involved are, were or will never be my friends. I woke up that morning to this urgent call which wanted me to reach this place early and didn’t wanted me to be late. So I got dressed, got ready, had a distasteful breakfast and embarked on this supposed fun ride to meet my friend. But it seemed like luck was never ever on my side. Nonetheless I reached the place in time and rather had to wait for my friend to arrive. And I was seriously irritated because frankly I just can’t wait. My mood was so off that I really wanted to hit him so very hard. Yet Rohan was there with me to support me and help me out. I seriously love him and admire him for all what he is to me. Anyways the day was okay, nothing great or grand, yet I had to travel half way to the city and had to come back alone as well. Kolkata me aisa nai hota. Anyways thankfully my brother-in-law was there to receive me in the station and I was rescued for the time being to be struck with another blow. I came back to BH and I don’t remember what passed through that day. The next day I was also supposed to go out once again yet nothing worked out rather no one wanted to make it work out. So I gave up and submitted to my fate and accepted whatever came my way. By the end of the day, was DJ night and even though I laughed like crazy that day I wish I could discuss about it in great details. But once again can’t do so as some sentiments and emotions are involved which I cannot hurt.

The wedding was a !!@##$%&*&*. I have no words to describe it. Anyways the day after the wedding was the day I could breathe normally. Oh I almost forgot my friend lost the gifts I had got him and his sister. Another set back for me. I wanted to some other friends as well, but somehow each one of them was responsible for a thing or two that I decided not to face anyone else.

Well a lot more it to be said, but I choose not to, because the moment I speak up, I will be hurting a lot of people and I don’t want that. No matter how much hurt and pain I have to suffer, I rather not want anyone else to suffer because of me. The only reason why I type all this out is the fact that I too wanted to let out my feelings and a lot of my feelings are yet to be expressed I am happy with whatever space my feelings have taken up. One thing is for sure, I am not taking any more supposed holidays again. I rather watch movies and indulge in shopping in the city I live in. someday I want to be far away from this city but then will other cities treat me the way Kolkata has.

No matter how things might turn out to be, at the end of the day my friends and family matter a lot to me. Even though the count of friends has reduced drastically, well not in my FB friend list of course, but in my real life, yet I try and cherish everything I have and I had. BH… hopefully will never ever get to see you again and be there again because I cannot take any more of you. Thanks for all the memories, good or bad, or whatever. So let it be…

A mistake I will try not to repeat again.

Rejoice... it is the Selfish Me!!!

2011-09-21T12:21:00.001-07:00

My habit of writing and reading is slowly going away. I don’t know why but it has. Hopefully one of these days I get back the energy to hit the novels and read them up. I was so much into them but don’t really know what happened to me.

Perhaps because I saw my friend hiding these super costly novels from me in her house so that I don’t borrow them from her. Well it definitely did hurt, but it hurt the most because I clearly remember her destroying the one novel I hold dear to my heart when I had lend it to her. Well the world is full of selfish people and I am no less.

How to define my selfishness?!?!

It is kind of difficult. But yes I am a human being and I am entitled to try and to things to the best of my capability.

This goes back to the days when I was in C.A.E.H.S and I was really getting horrible grades and was unable to keep up my grades, especially in maths [K.S.Nag (author of the maths book) I still hate you]. So my parents got to know of this tutor who would come and teach me all the subjects. Not only this, the tutor was well known all over the colony. So my parents hire him to teach me and you know what I do? I go up to my friends and tell them I got hold of this very famous tutor and not only this I invite them to take tuitions from the same guy with me at my house. Well you will be thinking this isn’t a selfish act at all. But you will be surprised to know that one of my friends was already taking tuitions from this guy but never really bothered to tell us and when I shared the news, I got a scolding from this esteemed friend of mine for making it public.

It was after I gave my Class-VII exams, that my parents shifted me to this another school, N.P.S.S.B.S, a C.B.S.E board. By the way I forgot to mention, my previous school was of state board where English was not at all given any priority and also they were following the syllabus of my grand mom’s days. And now I was thrown to this entirely new and advanced set up, where we had facilities like the computers, library and many more. For the entire first week in the new school I had no friends. I don’t recall how exactly I passed my days there, but by the second week I did had friends and I am so grateful to each one of them. Well so in this new school, I always used to speak in English, even though my English was pathetic, but English has been my favorite subject since time immemorial. And the other students were not at all comfortable at it. So they usually avoided my company. Anyways by the end of the year we had to attend this NCC camp for which we were asked to sit for your exams before the others and then leave for the camp. I gave the exams and didn’t know what happened once I left school. When I returned I got to know that I did really well in English and that was the time when the other students opened up to me and started talking to me. It was like now I too am worthy of their company. Nonetheless there were a hell lot of things the school taught me, and I am really happy that my parents decided to change my school.

After my boards I wanted to go to ACS, ISC board. For which I sat for an entrance exam and gave an interview as well. To be honest I don’t remember how all of it went, but after a week when the results were announced I was taken in and this was the moment of joy for all. Mom and Dad had been trying their best to get me into this school for a long time now. But due to a thing or two I would never get the admission. But finally I did and it was great. Being a total girl’s school, I saw so many things and learnt so much about girls.

I was always among the top three in class and I seriously don’t know how I managed to do that. Then my name came in the merit list of SXC, and I was the only one to get through the college. And you know what I did; I came out of the college and on our way back home cried for my friends as I knew they had all applied and none got through. And in the evening I get call from these very friends of mine accusing me of the fact that I never said I was applying in the college or else they wouldn’t have wasted money of filling the form for the college.

After SXC, some of us had a real tough time getting into a college for our masters degree. CU reserved only 2 damn seats for students from SXC and then also deducted our total percentage at the very last moment. Because of this many couldn’t get through and the day I got to know of this, I was returning home with dad in the scooter and I cried. And seriously I did. I was so irritated at all of this and you know what one of my friends asked me, whether or not I bribed the people there.

This is the price I paid for my selfishness over the years. The times I have been mean and selfish I got a punch directly on my face, and no one had to do that. Life itself has punished me so very many ways. And still the punches hurt. But why do friends forget all the good things or life and remember the bitter things. Only perhaps it wasn’t expected out of those people you trust the most. And often you trust someone else so much that their fiction seems more real than reality and the truth becomes one of the many lies which you rather do away with than face.

Cheers to Selfishness and to selfish me!!!

Run-Away!!!

2011-09-21T11:56:00.000-07:00

My friends always ask me why I seem to run away from them whenever I have problems or whenever something negative happens around me. Most of the times I seriously am out of words to tell them the reasons for doing so, and seriously I myself am so freaking confused all the time about sharing my personal stuff with them.

Well frankly speaking half the friends are not at all bothered at all, and the few of those who are little bit bothered, have no time or interest as such. I mean it gets so difficult to choose one thing over the other. It’s like to choose between getting ignored or going away from those who ignore you? It is a difficult choice I must say, but one has to choose.

To look at the bigger picture, somehow or the other the equation between me and my friends has never really worked out. Well for one among the many reasons, we are two completely different individuals with different approaches towards life. Over time I have come across so many people with different needs and wants and each special and unique, at times irritating and stupid in their very own ways. But I have loved and still love each one of them. It is just the simple fact that at times I like to be left alone, before I can figure out something about my life. Frankly I had such great dreams and elaborate plans about myself that it hurts to see them crumble. Moreover everyone has seen me strong and believe me when I say this. I have always been like this superwoman for whom everything has been possible, who is tough and strong and solid. Well to be frank at times I do feel like a rock, been thrown over from this side of the lane to the other now and then. Anyways the basic thing is unless and until I prove myself to myself; I rather keep things to myself.

Well also to add to my situation there are a host of things going so very against me. It’s like my mind is divided in so many bits and pieces that I have these stupid fits of losing my conscious and being what can only be described as mad. Some of my friends think it is one of those very phases where lovers have a fight, but how should I tell them that there are so very many things my boyfriend himself is unaware of. Luckily I have someone in my life who is so supportive and I burst out to him now and then. But that is so very unfair on my part. So I am trying my best to refrain myself from saying anything which might hurt anyone.

There have been times when I have been let down by my friends and especially those days when I needed someone the most. Somehow the feeling of being left out and loneliness has left a bitter taste on my tongue. And lately has turned so sour that I just don’t want to go on with it anymore. I so wish for my childhood days to return but I don’t have a lamp to rub on it and order a genie to make things better. Rather as my destiny states, I will work hard, toil day and night to set things right, right for all my loved ones. Oh! How I wish some things would work out like in a snap of a finger. But then they will never and I know it very well.

Even thought my elaborate plans are going to the ditches very effectively, I still try and hold my ground, with frankly speaking only my God and no one else. It is difficult to see my loved ones suffer each day and I feel so helpless most of the times.

Friends, family members and my dear ones, if ever you get to read this, remember no matter what each one of you make me what I am today. I love you all no matter what. Just want to apologize for all the days I couldn’t make the sun shine on you and made you sad. If I could have my way I would take back all those days. But I am only a mortal and be rest assured I won‘t live long.

Thanks for everything you guys have done for me. I can never in a million years repay it back to any one of you. Thank You!!!

I believe its over... I hope not!!!

2011-08-31T05:28:00.001-07:00

I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I don’t know why and how I was just missing you so much yesterday. I know Ron will completely understand me but then for a change I wanted a friend to be by my side and unfortunately for me, you were that friend for a long time and now there is no one else like you. You might just take it as a compliment, only if you ever get to read it or you might not even bother, but this is fine.

Just wanted to know how you are doing and what is going on these days and just wanted to listen to you, talk to you a bit, but we both now that now it is not possible. Anyways it was stupid on my part to dial your number like that and it was all the scarier when I heard it ringing. I am sorry to have bothered you, even though somehow I feel you are not bothered.

Just wanted to let you know that I miss you my dear friend, and I hope we never ever cross each others path and stay happy in our own lives. This will be the last of you ever again in my blog [at least I hope so].

Baby, love you soooooo much! Thanks for all your love and support, for understanding me and my stupid needs all the time. Sorry for never letting you go off to sleep on time and always calling you up, fighting over silliest of reasons possible on earth. Most of all thank you for being yourself with me and let me be myself with you.

God bless us all!!!

Khatam hai mera Desh!!!

2011-08-15T11:27:00.001-07:00

KhaTaM Hai WOh SwAtanTrtA K BhaWAnA

Ab TOh JosH JaGa hAi HuMMnE

gAyE WOh PurANe RaJ pAath K BaATeIn

AB TOH BiGaDnA sEEKhA hAI HuMMnE

TODd k EK DuJe kA SIr

HuM EK NaYa JaHAn BaNaYenGe

BhuL K saaRi SAbhyAtAOn Ko

HuMm EK NaYa JaHAN SAJaYeNGE

haATh MiLakR chaLo TuM BHi Ab

BhRaSTh hAi HuM, TuM BHi BaNo bHrAStH

EK RaJ, EK Hi MuLK mE KaiSe rAhE ShaANti

Ab TOH MauKa MiLa hAi sAb Ko MiTayenGe!!!

If only...

2011-07-31T11:31:00.000-07:00

It is really pathetic to see people go away so easily. I seriously can’t believe it is actually happening to people. First he and now she, two of my friends, we may not have been very good friends or that close to each other, but yes we were friends, committed suicide. It is really shocking and I don’t know why I am typing this down. Maybe since there is no one to talk to actually. And I can understand a bit of what they must have gone through.

The pressure of so many expectations, the pressure of your very own dreams, and the pressure of trying hard to achieve something, can drive the sanest of creatures insane. Can make people do things unthinkable of. Can make lives and can easily break them too. That is what has lead me thinking about things I never dared to even think about. It’s strange to see how strong my friends must have been to commit suicide, the purpose and the reason behind such an act must have been strong, very strong for the to take such a drastic step. And all I can do now is pray for them. But oh! How jealous I am of them now. Ufff!! And irritated too. I seriously have no words to describe the feeling I am having right now.

I wish I could talk to someone but then I can’t, even if I can, I know no one will be bothered to understand me. I know people can laugh at others easily and frankly speaking until now I have met only 5% of people who are genuine and who are true. And somehow I have left all of them behind me and somehow I don’t know whether I can talk to them or not. There was a very good friend of mine whose girlfriend thinks I will steal him away from her. But the fact was that he and I were best of friends and could have never been anything more than that. Well I don’t want to come between boyfriend and girlfriend. And you won’t believe my stupid luck; another of my good friend was lost the same way. When he had to make a choice, I never asked him to choose me over her, but when that coward asked me to make the choice for him since he was too confused; I lost the trust I had in him. Had he made his own choice, perhaps I would have respected him still. Even they he has broken up with her, but I shall never forget the moment he backed out on me and rather was trying to put the blame on me. Then again there are my very good friends who are with me only when they need me, only when their other friends don’t have time for them, is the time they are reminded of me. Even I have done things like this in the past, but as I look ahead now, I don’t see any friends whom I can openly share things with. There has been such a time lapse between our lives, that somehow the familiarity is dead and gone. And even when I speak my mind, I don’t know how but they think of it as bizarre and weird.

Yes, I have changed a lot. Times have changed me and I too have changed myself. But then remains the same quotient of loneliness. I had received a message from a friend, which fits my situation well. It goes something like this: “The worst disadvantage of being strong is that… Nobody cares even when you are hurt.”

You know, from my very early days, I have tried to prove that I am the strongest, the mature one. But lately it has become such an inevitable part of my system that I cannot even dare to share my problems and worries with others, because I am supposed to handle everything well and be strong and tough. How sick I am of these two words, strong and tough!!!

I feel like stitching my mouth up. It’s so difficult to have a proper conversation with anyone these days. And with the social networking sites, it’s more like you are typing rather than speaking. My vocal chords are hardly made proper use of. At times I feel I am going crazy and mad. But then it is a feeling which has been coming in my mind from the day I was born. So it doesn’t matters anymore. What matters is I am still alive and as Zindagi naa miLegi dobara… I am trying my best to make use of the life I have now.

Hope, faith, trust, loyalty, love, friendship… I want to be over all these feelings. Somehow I want to feel like what Sylvia Plath had written in the poem “Tulips”

“I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted

To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.

How free it is, you have no idea how free -

The peacefulness is so big it dazes you,

And it asks nothing, a name tag, a few trinkets.

It is what the dead close on, finally; I imagine them

Shutting their mouths on it, like a Communion tablet.”

If only…

My Prince Charming

2011-07-20T13:56:00.000-07:00

It was really fun to go through my personal diary which I used to maintain few years back. To read my thoughts, to read about the days which are gone yet have somehow managed to stay in my memory, has made me smile, laugh and even cry a bit. However these few lines caught my attention. Written in the eve of 11^th of April, 2009, I didn’t quite knew about the elaborate plans God had for me. And today looking back at the pages made me realize how well God has listened to each of my prayers and not just that He has send the answers as well. Love You Bhagwanji for everything You have done for me. It has been so great to realize that You are there with me no matter what happens. These lines here are a dedication to my love, Ron. I hope you enjoy the stupid lines I had written two years back.

I want someone who can look after me

Who will ask me to stay when it is time to leave.

I dream of a Prince Charming by my side

Who will see the sadness behind my smiles,

Who will patiently listen to me when I want to cry,

Who will be absolutely and purely divine.

Someone for whom my heart can shine.

Someone for whom I can create stupid rhymes.

Someone who doesn’t have to be a silly hero

Someone for whom my eyes can glow.

I want someone special in my life

Someone for whom I can also die.

Love you my dear. You are special indeed and I know that there can be no one like you ever in my life. I cherish each day, each moment spent with you. I cherish the smiles and the eyes which seem to make me blush every now and then. You are the one. I love you now and forever. :)

MuShKiL Ho ChuKa hAi...

2011-07-20T13:28:00.000-07:00

DooRiyAn kO MiTanA MuShKiL Ho ChuKa hAi

Ab iNn AddATTon Ko MiTANa MusHKiL ho ChuKa hAi

TaNhA Tum Bhi Ho, TANhA KuCh HuM Bhi hAiN

PaR iSs gAm Ko ChuPanA MushKiL Ho ChuKa Hai.

KehteiN ToH BahUt KuCH hAi FIr Bhi

BiN kAhE SaMjh jAna MushKiL Ho ChuKa hAi.

uNN aanSuOn Ko ChuPANa AuR FiR MuKaD JaNa,

YuNHi haStE HaSTe GuM Ko BhuLANa MuSHKiL Ho ChuKa hAi...

RaAhEin EK NAi, Par EK Hi maAnZiL Ko paANa

YuN BiN HuMSaFAr Ke MusHKiL Ho ChuKa hAi.

Ab TOh tArAS GayE uSS EK sAAth K LiyE

JiS bIn MaRJaNa Bhi MushKiL Ho ChuKa hAi...

Missing you my dear... Love u my dear...

Love u Ron!!!

My Last Letter

2011-07-05T04:43:00.000-07:00

My dear Best Friend,
(handsome, re, fg)

This is the last letter I ever address to you. Well, I hope you are happy sailing around and will be busy with your work as usual. I also know this that as soon as you return your gf will tell you a hell lot of things. I just wish and pray everything is fine. Well the reason I write this letter is that your sweet gf, well actually she is sweet and loving and caring towards you, she had deleted me from your profile. It doesn't matters if I am no longer in her friend list, what actually bothers me is the fact that she deleted me from yours. I know I have already caused lot of troubles in your love life, but believe me I had no such intentions. And definitely she is your gf now and you must stick up to her. :)

Well I clearly remember you had said that she must never know what had passed between us, our past was gone and it should never be mentioned. And believe me my dear, I did exactly what you said. But unfortunately she had your password and she checked out all your chats. :) And she questioned me, things I denied and made her understand and believe me I had no intentions of coming between you guys. The day you had said that there is a girl who likes you a lot in your life, was the day actually when I had made my decision. I know the feeling of being loved and taken care for. But whatever maybe, it is long gone now and holds no importance in our lives.

I wanted to send this mail out to you today itself but I know she has the password and will do her best to remove me from your life. I too am someone's gf and I can understand her actions well. I'm here not to blame you or your gf or anyone. The fact remains that I am glad we crossed our paths and that we met. I cherish all our memories together, I even cherish the fact that Ron still feels a little jealous of you, but I am sure once he hears about this whole thing, he will be very happy. :)

That is what life is all about after all. It is all about keeping your loved ones happy. And I know you will do this well. Your brother, your sister-in-law, mother and father all love you a lot and so does she. So cherish and respect their love for you. As for our friendship, I had told you, it won't be the same once we both have our commitments towards our partners. :) But always remember, whenever you need a friend I am here for you, always.

I know you won't read this and on second thoughts, perhaps I will also not mail you. :) Just be happy in your life and I hope someday we may cross each others' path and that we may meet someday, a little more older and a lot more maturer. Best of luck with your career, love and life. My best wishes shall always be with you two, no matter what. :) By the way, a little secret I had initially planned to take a revenge on her, but then I thought it will only hurt you more, and I can't hurt my friend purposely. After all you were the reason of my smiles and happiness at one point of my life, and I love you and respect you for that.

Just be yourself, be the same sweet buddy I remember and shall always remember you as. I guess my letter is getting a bit longer, so I should end it here. Still a lot remains to be said and heard, but what can we do, our journey together ends here. Wish you the best of everything.

Your stupid, silly, crazy friend...
(beautiful)

Changed am I?

2011-06-20T07:39:00.000-07:00

It iSN'T LiKe iT usEd To bE
ThE ThiNgS haVeChaNgED oR iS iT mE?
ThE Sky SuddEnLy APpEaRs SO SmaLL
AnD I haRdLy Can sEe ThrOuGh ThE CLouDs
It WAsn't So haRd To LOoK ABove.

ThE grEen TrEes haVe LosT ThEir chArm
I KiLL inSeCts aRound mE WhiCh mEAn No haRM
ThE roAdS SOmEhoW haVe beCOMe naRRoWeR
ThE DiRt stAyS FOr Long I can sEE
ANd I Try haRdEr To geT iT ofF oF Me.

My haiR GRoWs LoNgEr aNd I fEEL TALL
i fEEL WeirD BeiNg LeFT aLOnE at aLL
The SPaCe QuOtiENt Bugs mE aLL ThE TiMe
It is ThEy WHo SeEK SoMe sPaCE, EVen MiNe
I SeEM To sTand AnD yEt I AM SuPPOsed To fALL...

ThE ThiNgs haVe ChAngEd Or ChaNgEd Am I
ThE RooTs ArE TheRe BuT inVisibLe To ThE eYe
ThE TruTh I kNow, Yet I LiE
I SmiLe ThROuGh ThE dAy, At niGHt I CRy
EvEn dEAth sEEms a PriViLege, So Let mE DiE...

My Nature

2011-06-08T11:29:00.000-07:00

daRKneSs oF ThE suN

BriGhtneSs oF ThE MoOn....

The weT RainS RiSiNg Up

AnD coMiNg DowN WitH cLouDs oF teARS

ThE LoW MouNtAiNs ANd

ThE GrouNd so neAR...

ThE EMpTy SKY

aNd thE dRiEd Up RivER...

eVeRthiNg iS GoNe WiTh a SwoON

AnD ThE enD is heRe TOo SOon!!!

YoU, mE AnD ThE sTrEET...

2011-05-25T12:06:00.000-07:00

One FiNE MorniNg, WALkiNg DoWn tHe StrEEt,

I sAW YoU AcRoSS AnD SKiPpEd a beAt.

YoU LoOked At mE aNd YoU SmiLEd,

I LoOked At yoU anD feLt So ShY.

YoUr BriGhT smiLe Was aLL i cOuLd FeeL,

It MaDe mE fALL FoR YoU heAd ovEr heELs.

I haD seaRched FoR YoU LoNG and HiGh,

i haVe wAitEd foR YoU a miLLioN LiVEs.

CRoSSing ThE Road seEMeD LiKe an EteRnitY,

WhEn YoU JuMpeD in froNt oF ThE StrEEt, Just FoR mE.

That VeRy MoMenT I fELt i CouLd FLy,

AnD yoU FeAREd I CouLd HaVe DiEd.

YoUr EyeS, YoUr FaCE aNd YoUR StRoNg ARMs,

aLL i CouLd FeEL wAs TheiR WaRmTh.

YoU huRRiedLy ASkEd- 'Are YoU aLRiGht?'

I AnsWeREd-'Yes, WiTH YoU BY My SidE'.

I heSiTaTingLy SmiLed at YoU anD sTaREd,

WaS CauGhT and tANgLed in YoUr gLaRE.

We ExChANged no StuPiD voWs oF LovE,

JuSt haD kNoWn iT wOuLd aLL bE EaSiLy ToUGh.

AnD heRe WE stAnD toGethEr AnEW

WiTh So mANy New WayS aNd neW AvEnues.

YoU KnOw I LovE yoU morE ThAn MySeLF,

anD ouR heArTS aRe WheRe WE ForEvER DweLL!!!

SaDuJ!!!

2011-05-13T11:35:00.000-07:00

I'm NoThiNg buT a GoNe shaDoW NoW

LiViNg iN thE paST oF YouR LifE

A ParT oF YoUr MeMoRies, YoU DoN'T caRE FoR

A pArt oF aLL thE timeS YoU haD LieD

ThE OLd TrEE WhoSe LEaVes haVe FaLLEn ApaRt

A drEam WhiCH ShOuLd NeVeR coMe ALiVe

ThE sweETnEss iS GoNe, And So Is thE LovE

AnD YoU WoNdEr WHy Am I StiLL so aLiVe?!?!?!

OnCe a FRieNd, NoW WorSe THAn An EnEMy

ONce a HeLpIng haND, noW ThE CuRSiNg EYe

OnCe YoUR veRy oWn, noW NoT eVen A kNoWN

So HoW Do yOu Wish I ShOuLd DiE?!?!?!

LoST iN ThE newER shaDoWs of YoUr Life

SoMehOw YoU StiLL haNg ONto Me

YoU FeEL I ShouLd bE Gone ForeVER

AnD YEt YoU Can nEvEr Give Up oN Me

LosT, hurT, PaiN, AngEr AnD tEaRs

SuFFeriNg in The FaCe oF YoUr Own LosS

AnD YoU PretenD To SMiLE, HoPiNg SomEDay

YoU wiLL rEaLizE ThE TruE naTurE oF LifE...

Deserve or not!!!

2011-04-23T10:47:00.000-07:00

Life is a paradoxical game which is at play every second. There are times when I feel like I am on the top of the world and the very next moment I wonder why the hell I am even here. This is what life makes me feel everyday.

Seriously when I sit alone these days I think about a hell lot of things, mind you none of them are illogical yet they seem to eat me and my thoughts away. Most of my day is gone thinking about these things, which are in no way silly or absurd. It’s just a logical way of thinking and worrying about certain things, and these days I tend to worry about the things more than I should.

All others can see is I am smiling and that I am brave and strong, and that I can manage everything. But only to keep up to others expectations and not only this, to keep others happy and also not to cause trouble to others, it seems I die a little every day. And this everyday funeral is witnessed by all with celebrations and music and dance and food and it’s a party everyday. And yet yes I do manage to smile somehow. But who has the courage to witness the tears of the mightiest, the strongest? No one!!! I know I don’t have the luxury and liberty to do certain things. I know I am not free to laugh and cry and to voice my insecurities in front of others. I know I will have to act as the pillar of support for everyone, when the pillar itself is rotting from the inside and doesn’t knows how long it can hold all this weight and pressure.

Family, love and friends are all there around me. But I have realized that when the time will come, it is only me who will sleep in the deep slumber of death and there shall be no one beside me. Emotions and feelings are the strength of the mortals. But when the end comes, none of it will matter. The strongest and the mightiest is always the loneliest and this I know very well. No matter how many people are around, how many claim to possess the absolute knowledge regarding the person, it is only at the very end that one realizes how lonely life has been. And this is what I am experiencing now. They all think I am selfish, and that I am inconsiderate. But how can I tell them and show them that I am just different. If I don’t speak doesn’t means I don’t have anything to say, I am just looking for someone who is willing to listen to me and be by my side. I know it isn’t too much to ask for, but then as I strongly believe in the saying- “we get what we deserve”, I know this is my rightful place and this is where everything shall end forever.

No matter how loneliest I have been and am and will always be, it even doesn’t matters how many friends I have in my facebook account, at the end of the day what matters is that I will be gone too soon and too few memories will be left behind me to even think about me. I don’t want to make memories; I don’t want to be loved or even to be hated. All I want is a neutral life where I hurt no one, I influence no one’s life and that one when I am gone there shall be no one to even think about me.

Be brave, head held above high, chin straight, be bold, tall and smart, all qualities of the strongest but what about the weak and lonely heart. Are there no instructions for it not to feel any emotions, not to feel hurt when someone leaves? Where shall this stupid heart stand? Where shall I stand now? My ground is shaky and even my shaking legs can’t help me stand anymore. I want to rest not for a while but for a lifetime. I wish that was possible. But there are a lot of things left to be done, a lot of roads left for me to walk all alone on, a lot of darkness still left to cover me up, a lot of oxygen still to be wasted on this mortal. Till then I wait, and yes I will smile, no matter what, I will not let them know what I am and where I have been.

The loneliest of all and yet the strongest of the lot.

I hate to maintain this smile and believe

Someday everything will be alright because

I know what I truly deserve or what I not...

AnD thEy cALL iT FuN...

2011-04-21T11:43:00.000-07:00

SoMeoNe
AnyONe.

SoMeWhERE
AnyWhEre.

SoMEThinG
ANyTHiNg.

SoMedAy
ANydAy.

SoMeWAy
ANyWaY.

NoWAy.

NoNe oF ThE dAys.

NoThiNg.

NoWhERE.

NoOnE!!!

And I just can't get enough...

2011-04-19T10:23:00.001-07:00

Why is there a compulsion of thinking about him 24*7? Why can’t I really think about my own self and not think about him? Why has he become so special for me? What has he done so differently that it’s hard to get him out of my mind?

So very many questions in my mind and yet I can never seem to find a proper answer as to why I love him so much? There are so many things about him which irritate me and have even hurt me, let me down, yet I know he is the only one for me. I know no one can love me the way he loves and I also know I am the only one in his life. Yet there are things which never seem to make any sense. There are times which leave me so shaken and lonely that I fail to understand what exactly should I feel or do.

They say it is the heart of the strongest ones which are amongst the loneliest places on earth. And I have come to believe this because I have experienced it myself. And there is no denying the fact that no matter how many people I have around me, who love me and care for me, I feel the loneliest even with them. It is strange how it had never mattered to me when I had no one beside me and I was all alone, had no one to share my thoughts with. And now when I do, I hate the very fact that I have so much to share and there isn’t time at all. When I want to speak somehow there is so much noise all around that my voice hardly gets across. This doesn’t just happen with him, it happens with everyone around me. I know half of the things I am typing here will make no sense yet I also know that no matter what these are the feelings I will have to live with and face everyday of my life.

I fear perhaps I will never get my chance to leave this city. I fear I will be struck here and that I am indeed. So many dreams to fulfill and so little time. Don’t really know if I will ever be able to do those things which I have thought of. But nonetheless I will have to try and try my best to make sure I don’t lag behind the others. I want to earn so much money that my parents never ever have to think about spending it on the silliest thing possible. I just wish this would happen with me as soon as possible, because I don’t really have time. I will have to do things. And if nothing else works out, I will have to do the thing I think I lack the courage to do so. But I guess I have no other option.

How much I have deviated in this post, only I know. I don’t have the strength or the courage for anything else. But somehow life is going on, I am still alive and still awake and I still don’t know what I should be doing. All I can hope for is to do the best of what I can and to wait for my future to happen to me. Till then God bless all my dear ones and Love you my dear <3. Thank You For everything, your love, care, generosity and hospitality. :P :D

Thank You!!!

Changed a lot...

2011-04-18T12:12:00.001-07:00

I remember the happy face, the smile which I didn’t realize back then was so big and wide. I remember leaving the porch of my house and running on the roads with my friends, I remember trying to arrange catwalks and to play all kinds of stupid games possible. I remember the birthday parties in my lawn, and even those birthdays when dad and mom couldn’t afford to arrange a grand party for me.

These memories are so very special that I know not how well to write about them and share it with others. I don’t think anyone deserves knowing about the real TRipti who used to laugh and enjoy her life, was not bothered about what others thought of her. She knew her family and friends would always be beside her. A happy girl. But sadly everyone else grew around her and she didn’t. She still wants to play and to run around, not thinking about what the others would say. All she wants is to be her. All she wants is life which she can enjoy without having to worry about things, without having to act mature every time.

Oh how I wish those days were back. As it known to many, I am the youngest member of our family. And hell yes, I was pampered a lot, especially by my dad and my grandfather. I miss those scooter rides with dad; I used to join him for almost all the rides possible, always tagging along with him, talking to him nonstop about a hundred stupid things. It was fun and perhaps the best time I spent with my dad. Most of the times we used to talk while riding on the scooter and guess what, we still do it. And Daddyji, my grandfather, he was an angel in disguise. I am a real unlucky person to have missed being more with him. But I remember the cream biscuits he would get me every time he would come to visit us. I would run around, jump and talk silly things. And yes I was a little scared of him as well.

Over the years a lot of things have changed. For starters, Daddyji left us. And for the first time I saw my dad cry. And also my elder sister and brother both are married now. Aishu has come into our lives and I am sure Daddyji would be upset not to have been able to see Aishu and met Jijz. How I wish Daddyji could have met him as well. Nonetheless things have changed.

I have grown up now. Well everyone else has and even I have. But now things aren’t the same. How can they ever be the same? Yet I thought I would be given my fair share of things. But now that I have grown up, everyone else has grown old. And being the mature and stronger one I have to give up. Well for once I hate being mature and strong. I too wish I was the carefree one, who could enjoy life and get her own sweet time to reach to things. I know it isn’t right to ask for things which I definitely don’t deserve but it seems like I am struck here forever and I can see no escape. My breathe chokes every time I think about it. Even if I don’t I know how I have still managed to breathe in this thick air. When will my sweet time come when I can leave in peace? When shall I see darkness and nothing further? When shall my weird dreams become a reality for me? And here I wait as always. I have changed a lot. A lot…

Quote of the Day - E. M. Forster - "Unless we remember we cannot understand."

Poison...

2011-04-17T01:19:00.001-07:00

It isn’t like I hate them or something. It just feels that it is a little unfair at times. But then no one ever told me that life was fair and that I would have a blast every time I make a move. Anyways I had this dream in the morning. Its weird how I still remember the details of it, but I do.

Here it goes…

I am coughing pretty badly. As always my throat is choked and I want to puke out the cough which is wriggling inside of me. I know it isn’t a pretty picture to begin with. But then I remember what exactly I saw and how I felt about it. It was as if everything was real. Nonetheless here I was trying to get the dirty cough out of me, when my brother walks in the bathroom. To my utter surprise I don’t see my own house, I see myself standing in my brother’s house, in his bathroom, with the new blue tiles and marbles all around me. I remember how much that bathroom would give me creeps. But after the renovation done, it looks amazing. I believe if one can’t keep the place of shit clean, they would never know how to clean the mess of their lives. Enough of the philosophy, back to where I was.

So I was coughing and trying to puke, when my brother enters the bathroom, obviously the door was open. As soon as my brother walked in the bathroom, I started puking. First there was the cough, I shouldn’t go to the graphical details of it, but soon it was all red. I was puking blood. And the amount of blood which came out of me wasn’t anything normal. I was coughing badly and puking blood like it was water. So obviously my brother and I were worried about this. But surprisingly we both kept calm and were thinking how to say about this to my parents. It was impossible to talk about this with my mother. So my brother broke the great news to my father. My dad also kept his calm and now all three of us were worried because there wasn’t any doctor and my coughing wasn’t ready to stop. So whenever I would cough severely there was blood which would come out.

I took a medium sized towel handkerchief, so as to leave no stains behind of blood. Anyways the main concern was to keep this all away from my mother. Then suddenly a doctor appeared in the house. Dad gave a very silly reason so that he and mom could go out of the house. While brother and I stayed back as the doctor attended to me. Looking at my condition he said I have lung cancer. As soon as he said so, I started choking and more blood came out of my mouth.

I don’t remember the exact end, but I messaged him, saying I love him and will miss him badly. There was no one else in the room, only me and me. I send out a few more messages and then I could feel a mild pain in my throat as I closed my eyes.

Don’t know what this means. Don’t know whether I was falling asleep or something else. All I know is the feeling of puking blood still lingers in my mouth. Its like I can taste blood still. A weird dream but I guess it has some meaning inside of it. Lately I am having lots of weird dreams. With so many things going on in my mind, don’t really know what exactly I should do...

No matter what I am smiling still. That is one thing which life has taught me never to give up on. Hoping for the best, expecting the worst… ;)

KuCh iSs KaDAr

2011-04-17T00:19:00.000-07:00

UnKo WoH EhsAAs naA DiLa SaKe

uNKo LaFzoN ME BHi KcH btA NaA SAKE

HaAL-e-DiL BaYAN Kr DiA uNn nAzARON Se

PaR uNhE ToH HuM naZaREiN Bhi nAA DiKhA sAKe

KehTe ToH hAi K raAh EK oR MaNZiL Ek HuMaRi

KucH PaALoN kA hAI fAsLa Or JeET HuMARi

FiR KYun aAJ WoH ChaL DiYe AkELi RAhOn pe

JaB KaDam SaAth ChaLnE k Thi BAaRi

KehTe ToH KyA kEhTe Aaj unSe HuM

KhaFa HoNe kA BhI MauKa NAa DiyA JisNe

Hum ToH kEh BhI nAA sAKE bEWaFA UnhE

Jo HuMaRi TanHaIYon k Ho LiyE

KuCh Bhi NaHi

2011-03-29T10:58:00.000-07:00

It was nothing so special nor was I missing anyone. These lines just happened to me when I and My Love were chatting and we both kind of started pulling each others legs. He knows how much I hate it when he talks about any other girl. So I acted a bit emotional and wrote these lines, which somehow everyone is liking. So I thought of registering them right here in my blog, so that I can look back to it and remember about it. Love u Baby!!!

SaRi DuNiYa BhuL GayE JiNKi yAAdoN MeiN
UnHE HuMaRe JeEnA kA EhsaAs BhI NahI

HuM TOh uNkE PyAAr Me YUN MuShHuR HuyE
FiR BhI HuMaRe JeENe kA UnhE EhSaAs Nai
:'(

GoNe ARe thE Days..

2011-03-19T11:59:00.000-07:00

I miSs The hapPY DayS of ChiLdHoOd

WhEn oThers WOn'T JuDge mY LoOks

WhEn feELiNgs WeRe SPeCiAL AnD so TruE

Oh yeS I MisS thE dAyS tOo.

WhEn i COuLd Run, JuMp, SKiP aNd hiDE

MaRvELLiNg AT thE staRs SO BrighT

NeVer hAd To ThINk ThInGs ThROuGh

LauGhed aT LiEs aNd CriEd FOr ThE TRuTH.

OH! I MiSS thE sPeCIAL DayS oF mY LifE

WhEn tRuth wAs TruE, aNd LiEs WeRe Lie

WhEn DanCiNG wAs ALL aBouT the HeaRt

AnD noT AbOuT PLeAsiNG thE eye.

HoW MuCh I MiSS thOSe DaYs

eVen WhEn I wAs tALL, ThEy wOuLd Not stAre

My LoUd VoiCe WAs NoOnE's CoNcErn

OH! ThOse DayS wEre SO MuCH FuN.

I CouLd StAnd WiTh My FriEnds

I cOuLd SiT DOwn tOo

thEre Was no Code of SociEtY

I haD to FoLLow ThrOugH

i COuLd LauGH OuT LouD

i COuLd cRy mY HeaRt ouT

ThEy WOuLd StiLL Be With Me

My FRieNDs ThrOuGhouT

my BiG SMiLe WouLd NoT BoThEr ThEM

My shoRt haiR WaS A crAZE baCK thEn

I COuLd SmiLe aNd LauGh WitHout a reASOn

And sTiLL bE thEiR besT oF fRiEnd evEry seASOn.

GoNe ARe ThE DayS aNd thE FEELiNgs TOo

goNe ArE thE LauGhS anD thE CrAZy sTufF

GoNe aRe thE dAyS whEN i COuLd sMiLe

GoNe aRe The dayS whEn I nEEd NOT HiDe.

NOw EyEs JudGe My evERy MovE

They stArE At mE, As aN aniMal IN ThE ZOo

my SMiLe iRRitaTes tHem And ThEy are sCaRed

BuT whEn wILL thEy knOw, ThEy ScaRe mE Too?

One of my days...

2011-03-06T10:10:00.001-08:00

IrriTaTinG dAy I hAd

ChiLLed WinDS wAvinG mE GoOdbYe,

I CouLd HeAr ThE LoSt Sun's Cry.

WhAt a Day I hAd...

WaiTiNg FoR hOuRs

AnD thE TiMe jUsT PaSsEd mE bY.

WhAt a FuCkinG Day I hAd...

LamE LosErs CrawLiNg ArouNd mE

LeAvinG The LaSt of mE Dry.

WhAt an AWEsomElY AwEsoMe Day I hAd...

ReaLiZEd tHe meAniNg oF ThiNgS

And I hAVe nO MoRe ReaSonS to cRy...

:) ♥ :*

If OnLy....

2011-03-06T10:09:00.001-08:00

iF onLy he LoOKed At Me AnD cOuLd HaVe SaId thE TruTh...
I WouLdn'T haVe bEeN thIs CLose tO You...

ThAnKfuLLY hE waS An A$$HoLe AnD desErVed ALL ResT
BecAuSe I KnEw I ALwayS deSeRveD ThE beST...

He'S GoNe aNd CaN REtuRN NoMoRE
AnD We aRe hERE, LovINg EaCh OtheR eVeRyDaY A LittLe MoRE...
♥ ♥ ♥
LoVe u My bAby!!!

The Champu

2011-01-16T10:46:00.001-08:00

He is short

And wears spectacles

His cheeks are always red

And his life is only about the text.

He is sincere

And he is fine

That is why I find him

Always standing in the library line.

He never misses classes

He writes word by word

His notebooks are filled

Even his pens seem to hurt.

He never stares at girls

Is too shy to look at them.

Attends even Pinter’s classes

Even though he has opted for Eliot.

But whatever he is

No matter how much he might blush

He seems like a genuinely cute guy

In our stupid old ragged class.

Em Fo TuO

2011-01-06T12:48:00.000-08:00

If LIGhT Was ThE DArkNeSs oF LiFe
If bRighTnESs Was The Dim LiGhT
The FloWeRs WouLD DRy OfF AnD ThEn BLoOm
ThE SuN WOuLd HaVe SEt inSteAd oF RiSinG
We WouLdn't hAVe BEen AliVe anD RAthEr bE DyInG

IF It wAs The SuN WhIch ReVolVEd ArounD ThE eArTh
IF thERe Was nO WatEr anD onLy DiRth
WhAT CouLd HaVe yOu DonE?!?!?!
WithOuT DayLiGhT oR ThE Sun?!?!
Or WoUld DeATh bE mOre Fun?!?!

2010

2011-01-03T12:59:00.001-08:00

Gosh, I can’t believe 2010 has come to an end and 2011 has already started. It seems like yesterday when I was happy and excited just to see that 2010 has arrived. But fortunately I had the opportunity of enjoying the good, some bad and some really bad days of my life in the bygone year.

It’s also a little weird to see that for whole 2 months I haven’t even bothered to update my blog. Not that I wasn’t inspired to write or type out stuff, but just that my mind wasn’t ready to write down all my thoughts. It seems like it is getting difficult by the day for me to express myself. It seems like I have the thought but no words which can properly express it. And moreover my thoughts are so revolting in nature that I am sure if anyone gets to read it will only think of me as a selfish mean bitch or even can tag me as a psycho. But nonetheless those are a part of me and I just cannot seem to do away with them.

Some of the great memories of 2010 as I look back to the year are my experience and friends in Bhavans. It was an awesome time I had with each one of them and as we were heading towards the end of the course, at least I came closer to a few people. Fortunately or unfortunately I am not so anymore, at least with the whole lot, yet I managed to sustain some really good, in fact great friends from my mass communication department and I wish them all lots and lots of love and luck not just this year but all the years to come.

I don’t have a great memory of my birthday though. But I clearly remember how excited I was when I came back home from university. It was the first package I was to get from someone. And that someone, needless to mention, is a very special person in my life and will always be. I remember shedding tears, sitting on my bed, talking to him over the phone and being so very happy. Well for sure he was the only reason of my happiness that day. Not to mention 2 of my friends as well, who were there by my side, even though one still bothers to stand by my side. I love you guys a lot. And I love YOU the most my baby. <3

AIR internship was another good experience for me. Got a chance to get to know one of my very good friends really closely and I wish her the best in love and life always. She is an awesome friend for sure. :-) The stupid bus rides back home and missing out on the same bus while going towards AIR. I will remember and cherish all of it forever. Then our outdoor shoot @ Uttarayan. That was the best day of my stay in Bhavans. We interacted with the children, had so much fun and we came a lot closer to what I now know is true beauty of Nature. Thank You Bhagwanji for all the opportunities you gave me here and always. Love YOU!!! After the exams of Bhavans, it was fun to see how people got busy with their own lives and how everyone drifted apart. But as I said earlier I managed to sustain friendship with a handful of them and they will always remain very close to my heart. Love you guys.

Then was the time for university examinations. I was so irritated when our exams were postponed by a week. And this was the time when I realized that some of my friends from SXC had moved on. I won’t like to say anything about it but would definitely like to wish all of them [because they all are my friends and will always be] the best of what they truly deserve and I am sure each one will do great in their lives. Also if they are happy without me then I would be happier to leave them to their own selves. :-)

Then two of my friends, even though they are my juniors, but I count them more as my friends left town for higher studies. Both of them are doing great in their own fields and I am sure that they will be big names soon. Then two of my friends also landed with a job. I am proud for them as well.

His results had come out and he had scored much more than what he had expected. I was so ecstatic just to hear about it and moreover he got through the college placements which he feared he wouldn’t. I am sure he will do greatly in his work, he already is. He has even been tagged as the best fresher in their company. Wish you lot of love and luck and good things in life my baby. You truly deserve them all.

Had a few situations in the home front for which I escaped from the house. And looking back to my escapes, I had managed to escape at least 4 times. For the first time it was for a week, another time for 4 days, then again for 2 days and the last time for a few hours. It was fun to see that even I had the courage and strength to walk away from something I feared would hurt others. But interestingly enough no one even understood that I had escaped. Someday maybe such an escape will help me get out of everything else and I am sure even then it wouldn’t matter to anyone. It wouldn’t I am sure, especially to that one person whom I thought would understand me the most, but I guess I cant always be right. :P

Also my brother got engaged finally in the last year and this year he is getting married. I am so happy for him. Wish him a happy and prosperous and an awesome married life. I am sure he will get the best of all the good things. I know that he truly deserves them all.

Then also I started earning on my own. I am so happy and thankfully busy as well. :D It has been a great experience till yet and I hope I get to enjoy my work more and more as the time moves on.

He had come and that is enough to describe how my year must have ended. I also got 59.75% in my Part I examinations. I came second in my Mass Communication degree. I got a laptop. I bought a cell phone from my own money for the very first time.

So all in all 2010 had been a great roller coaster ride for me. With all the music and movies and sounds and sights, I must admit that I had a great time. And I will cherish each of these moments forever in my life.

I don’t expect anything out of 2011. I am sure I will be surprised and shocked and all I can say is- ‘Bring it on…’. Thank YOU Bhagwanji for everything. Love You.

He...

2011-01-03T12:58:00.001-08:00

Rubbishness everywhere
Fakeness becomes a reality
Darkness is the new light
And he still manages to smile

Turning the back
Hiding from the crowd
Avoiding the mirrors
And yet he manages to shout

The pale sun
The dark sky
The lonely moon
And yet he won’t cry

Is it what he expected of life?
Tears and joy
Strength and denial
Windows and the doors
Will someone step in?
Or will he step out of it forever?

Giving love and joy to others
Smiling and yet being sad
Enjoying the curse called life
Is there anything else to be had?

The Ancient hunger of Post Modernity

2010-10-11T10:28:00.001-07:00

I am eagerly waiting for the bloody bell to ring

Can’t take another minute of her post modernity.

The room is full yet the class is so boring.

I want a break; would it be sane to scream?

I want to run with no chances of an escape

And there she goes again about those useless things.

One is copying the last day’s notes

She had bunked, typical of her.

Today she is present with me

But all this torture, isn’t affecting.

The other one sits and pays attention

She seems to have already exam tension

Now and then her pen moves over the page

How can she be so damn attentive?

One is missing, enjoying a holiday

Bloody lucky she is to have escaped

While I sit here in dismay.

The shitty clock seems to have stopped

From US now we are running wild in the Greek Collage

And a bride sitting in front of me

Damn her red sari is so funny.

But then these girls aren’t the cause of my problem

The only one on the dais needs now to step down

When will this class come to its end?

When will I be set free?

When will the vacations start?

And most importantly, when will I get to eat?

Robot n Rajni as Chitti Rules [DOT]

2010-10-10T10:24:00.000-07:00

I and my friends were planning a day out for a long time now. We were just waiting for the right film to release so that we can have a great girl’s day out. So finally the one movie which we were waiting for was here. But after listening to the super bad reviews we decided to try something different.

We had thought of going for a Rajnikant movie. Well obviously we were expecting complete nonsense and entertainment, typical Rajni style. We entered the theatre and saw not many people were there. Anyways nothing was going to affect a bunch of girls who just wanted to have a great time.

We all were in our seats, when the lights went out and the trailers started. It wasn’t the ones we would have liked to see, yet we were eagerly waiting for the movie to begin. The credits were now up on the screen when it flashed, presenting Superstar Rajnikant and with that went a loud shriek from our gang. We totally support the man yaar. Just look at him, acting with such a young girl and he is such a craze in South India. This guy must be doing something right for he deserves all the praise and respect from his fans.

I had recently heard that people were actually paying to just see the trailers of Robot. Yes the Robot, which took about three years of time and now, had finally hit the screens.

The storyline of the movie was very simple with a scientist devoting most of his time trying to create a human android robot which he wants to give to the Indian Army to save them from all sorts of trouble. Even after having a girlfriend like Aishwarya, who by the way is looking much better than what she usually does. This Robot, Chitti is an absolute genius. Can sing, dance, cook, fight with the crooks, save the girl, operate [by the way the child-birth scene reminded me of Three Idiots] and what not. He helps Sana [Ash] in her exams, bloody hell she cheats. :P Makes a mosquito to apologize to her. And the best part is when he fights a bunch of crooks and uses his magnetic power and almost looks like a God, when the local villagers start to worship him, it is so funny and cute at the same time.

Like any other movie, here too there was a villain, Danny Denzopa, who had a small yet important role to play. It is only because of Danny that Rajni, the scientist, tries to evoke emotions in Chitti. And successfully because of lightening, Chitti gains emotions and the predictable happens. He falls in love with Sana. After a typical triangle the scientist destroys Chitti. But because of Danny the Robot once again comes back to life, but this time with more power and evil.

It is only after this that the real action of the movie starts. The scenes and graphics used are way better than what we have seen until now in Bollywood. In fact a whole song has used beautiful computer graphics. The action scenes are marvelous, a little stretched out at the end, yet bearable. What makes it more interesting is that even though it is the typical Rajni who is performing yet this touch is missing. It is more robotic than Rajni-sh.

The songs, some good, some bad, some unnecessary will keep you going. But A R Rahman could have done a better job with it. Ash’s stylist worked wonders with her. Girl, you should stick with whoever it was who gave you that look in the movie. As for Rajni sir, you were way too good dear absolutely enjoyed the movie. Great work done by everyone of the unit members.

My first movie of Rajnikant was damn fun for me. Sana, my friend was there with us too, so all of us an advantage of teasing her all through the scenes, then cracking the worst of jokes. Shouting and howling whenever Rajni comes in the screen, looking all handsome. I absolutely had a great time there.

Guys I don’t know how many of you will like it, but for me and my friends it was an absolute entertainer and fultoo paisa vasool. :P

Maybe it was the company or the Sana factor, or even the Superstar Rajni factor, it has been a memorable day for all of us. And I have to say this Rajni Rules!!!

\m/

Wisdom lost and found...

2010-09-19T10:24:00.001-07:00

I had heard about wisdom and wisdom tooth. Chaiji, my grandmother, would always say that once when we get old and wise, we gain not just wisdom but also wisdom tooth. So it was time for to gain some wisdom and my tooth as well. :-)
I believed that as my tooth was coming out, I was becoming more serious and mature about myself and my life. I thought I would finally have control of my life. But how very wrong I was. "Life is twisted", that is what Akon singing in my ears. And he is so right about it. Anyways back to my wisdom and its tooth.
I know I had a very silly notion about my wisdom tooth, and I believed that I was yet to have my tooth when suddenly one day my jaw started paining and I realized it was actually time for me to gain my wisdom teeth. The Dentist said that there is always a reflex pain, it feels like the tooth is coming out in the lower jaw but actually the tooth is coming out in the upper jaw. And that is what had happened with me. I thought that my lower jaw was paining because of the wisdom tooth, but it was my upper jaw which was actually in pain. So I had to go to the dentist because the pain was driving me nuts and I just couldn't bear it any longer and had to give in.
I visited the Dentist, not my regular doc, but a new one who stays very near to our place and supposedly Dad had heard that he was a good and young doc. [I doubt what youth is supposed to do with a good doc] Anyways that isn't the matter of concern. The Doc gave me a long list of tablets which I hate so much. Never in my entire life, uptil now, have I been forced to take tablets and that too 4 tablets per meal. It is yucky and I, a person who can't swallow the meds, has the worst of times trying to swallow those tablets. Still somehow I have managed it quite well [touch wood] uptil now.
Sunday which is supposed to be a fun day, wasn't a bit of it. It was the day, the doc was supposed to extract my wisdom tooth and even my wisdom. I was scared and a little disappointed a little. I so want to keep my wisdom tooth with me and didn't want to part ways with it. But according to the doc, it would have been wise if I go with the extraction procedure or otherwise I would have a problem for the rest of my life. Even though completely against it, I finally gave in to the wishes of my dad and the doc.
In the morning I was calm and quite, trying my best not to think about the extraction procedure. So I started watching "Kate and Leopold" and realized that I love the movie and can watch it over and over again. Hugh Jackman is just perfect in that movie and more on the movie some other time. After the movie I got ready to go to the doctor, it was time. Mom was to accompawny me, usually dad has always been there with me whenever I need to go to a doc, but today was different. Dad had to take care of some work so I was with mom.
Waiting outside the chamber, I kept messaging my bff and my bf, keeping them both updated with the procedures I was to face in some time. Soon the doc called me in and asked me to open my mouth [when Dentists say so, you are not supposed to take it in any other sense]. He sprayed something funny inside my mouth and gave me two injections. I am never scared of injections but the thought of the needle inside my mouth scared me for a moment. Still I had to go through all of it. After giving the injection, he asked me to wait outside. Sitting outside, watching Krish on Star Gold, I realized that no matter what we want or desire, we get only that which we deserve or which is supposedly good for us.
The doc's call interrupted my thoughts and I was in the scary room again and this time for the actual procedure. I still was against the idea of my wisdom to be extracted away from me. But it had to be done. So the doc, with a very weird looking apparatus started pulling out my tooth and in seconds he asked me to get up from the chair and inserted a cotton inside my mouth. The tooth was actually extracted and I felt a little pain, I wouldn't say that I didn't feel anything but it wasn't the hard-hitting pain I was expecting and dreading and what is best, it was over so soon.
The doc asked me to take a few precautions, as in eat anything cold and soft for two days and not to speak too much over the phone for the day. :P I was back home with my wisdom tooth with me and three cups of chocolate ice-cream. :D Oh, its been ages since I have had an ice-cream, on second thoughts, my last ice-cream was in Bhubaneshwar. Even my parents would be happy for the day as they wouldn't have to listen to my nonsense for the day. Lucky parents. :D :P
So now I am one wisdom tooth short. But thankfully I didn't lose my wisdom, atleast whatever I had. And infact learnt a few lessons as well. First, when you go to a dentist, don't look at his instruments, they will only scare you. No matter how many people are there around you to support you, you are the only one who has to face the pain, that too all alone. And everyone has a time and space, just that not everything and everyone have their own sweet time and space in this earth. Also, no matter how hard you try not to speak and open your mouth, you will have to whenever you are hungry. :D :P
So even though I have lost one of my wisdom teeth, thankfully I gained some wisdom for a change. ;) I know I am just underestimating myself but its all in good humour. Will miss you my dear wisdom tooth. Thank you for being a part of me and for bearing me and chewing all the junk I have had all this time. You have been a great support for me. Now that you are gone, I am sure the other teeth will miss you too. :) My dearest first wisdom tooth day out. :)

Cause it is all about Love...

2010-09-16T07:48:00.000-07:00

What is LOVE???!!!

When can one fall in LOVE???!!!

When is the right time for one to fall in LOVE????

Why one always has to fall in LOVE and not rise in it???

Why we always associate LOVE with a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a random crush???

Why do these feelings of LOVE arise in us???

Why do we feel the need to LOVE someone or something???

Well there is a host of questions we can ask ourselves about LOVE, and each of us will
have our own set of questions about it with our own set of answers which obviously will relate to our perception of this phenomenon known as LOVE.

I don't want to look into the dictionary to get an exact definition of Love. Well I am sure dictionaries too will have their own set of answers. But rather I will speak of what I think of Love and what Love means to me exactly and how I feel in and out of Love over time and how Love has rescued me back all the time. There are so many things about Love which I absolutely Love, but first of them is its definition. I believe Love is the ability to understand magic happen in front of our eyes, its that ability which can make us believe in things we never thought could exist. Love is the like, the ability to appreciate even the things which might appear ugliest to a pair of eyes, but for you, you absolutely love and adore them. Love is the ability to look beyond the things and to look through. "I SEE YOU" [Avatar, 2010] It appears to be simple but its the most complex of things one can ever look for. Love is for one and for all, no caste, sex, religion, age, society or community can stop it. It happens without a notice and it can happen anytime. Cheers to LOVE!!!! <3

I don't exactly remember the time I was born or was crying in the lap of my mother. I don't remember being welcomed at home for the first time. I can't recall how I was given a name or when for the first time I learnt to speak and walk. Nor can I remember how many baby-walkers I have broken or how many times I ran about my house. I can't remember staring at the ceiling fan or shivering in the cold with nothing on me except a blanket which too used to hurt me like hell. I don't remember the worried faces of my parents when they thought I would not survive, nor do I remember how my dad used to run about from doctor to doctor just to make sure he didn't miss out on a chance to keep me alive and breathing. I don't remember my mother sitting beside me, watching me sleep and silently praying to God so that everything will be alright. I just don't remember any of it. I don't remember when my first photograph was taken nor do I remember my first dress or shoes, or my first ride on the scooter or the car, for that matter even the train. I don't remember what made it all happen, but even before I could realize the wonders of the world, I was in LOVE. Yes, indeed I was in Love with the kind faces around me, making sure I never went hungry or thirsty, or ever felt the cold, or the heat. I was in Love with my parents- Mom and Dad. I don't remember when or how and why, but I was in LOVE with them. My first LOVE!!!

I remember being angry on my parents when I had seen this photo of me in a garden. I used to be so angry on them for keeping me there all alone, what if something would have gone wrong with me... I know that was very silly of me to think like that, but I felt that they can't leave me alone, but in this supposed photo they had. Silly me had little realized back then that obviously they were beside me and that I was never alone. It was just that I Love them so much that what I saw in the photo was just me and not them beside me which made me all the more angrier, after all I Loved them and they can't be so bad to me. It was for the first time perhaps I realized that I was in LOVE. :-)

Memories have been a great source of strength for me. Whenever I feel lonely or I am sad, I look back to those glorious days, to the days when I was carefree and having the best time of my life. It is all a memory now, but I remember smiling at the pigeon which had come to our house, the dog which dad had bought home. I remember loving the tree at the corner of our house which would be like my second home, and its strong branches would be my thorne. Those sweet guavavas which would as if melt inside my mouth, those flowers in and around our garden, those stray dogs which were more like a family to us. I was in LOVE with everything around me. Those streets, those small roofs which I and Dad would climb once a while to set the antennae right. Those long evening walks, the early morning park walks. Those games with friends, those sleepless afternoons, those picnics, those rainy days when I could get wet. I was in LOVE, and as I look back at these days I realize that I still Love them, maybe time has stopped me from doing all these things but it surely hasn't stopped me from loving the best days of my life. I Love it and will always LOVE it... My LOVE

Class-III and I remember having a dream about this certain guy. This was the first time I realized that Love is meant to happen with a person from the oopsite sex as well. This dream made me believe that I was in LOVE with him. It was nice to have a good time with him, play with him, invite him in my birthday parties and just have a good time. Somewhere around Class-IV or V, my seat was changed and I was to sit beside a guy now. He was a really cool friend of mine and once again I thought I was in LOVE with him, hardly giving a thought about the previous guy. But most of all I believed I was in Love with my childhood friend, my first friend. His mom and my mom were best of friends but over time, due to a number of reasons and bad luck we parted our ways. But only after I came to know about his girlfriend in Class-XII, I, for the first time felt my heart break because I believe a part of me always wanted him to be by my side, a part of me, I think, Loves him. And even though I am sorry for not being even a good friend, I am sorry for losing my first Love. This was the chapter of guys for me in my life when this guy enters in the scenario and claims a hell lot of things. But somehow I knew it was all vague and shallow, even though my own sister wanted me to hook up with him, I knew something just wasn't right and so I broke all my contacts with him. This new guy made me realize that LOVE means a hell lot of things to different people and that not everyone thinks like me, so I better be careful.

Tuffy, my hero is my sweetheart and my true Love. Even though I have lost him six years ago, I remember loving him from the very first day. Even though Goldie and Karvy have always been nice to me, but I somehow feel Tuffy was my best friend and my true Love. I will always miss you, but I know someday, somehow we will meet, and the day I will meet you, I will know it is you. LOVE YOU!!!,always. >:D<

I was really scared to enroll myself in a college, I thought I would lose myself there and whatever I have learnt in school will be gone when I am in college, I will pick up habits and attitude which would only lead to my fall. Though when for the first time I entered my college building, I fell in LOVE with it. SXC, I Love you and I miss you a lot.
Here I met a number of guys on whom I had crushes. Amongst them was the Foreigner, Nature Boy, Red shirt, a few other guys whose names I don't know or remember or even want to mention. Nonetheless, they were all crushes and nothing serious ever happened. Thank God for that.

In my second year, my Class-III crush was back in my life. We were watching movies together, hanging out togther, but never talking so much. But I felt I was in Love. Things were going good until I made them worse. I thought I was in Love, but I was only a problem for him. So my supposed Love ended right there.

It was time for me to move out of college and find a new life for myself. I felt I was all alone when I found someone I could rely on and someone I could love. It was my best buddy, Rohil. He was the most amazing thing that had happened to me after a really long time. He was there in and out, he wouldn't laugh at my stupidities but would always encourage me, would support me and most of all have faith in me. Yes, I was in Love once again. I admired and loved him like small children love those huge teddy bears which we want to have but can't. We would share everything and anything possible on this earth. I would call him my step-mom when he would chide me like a child. And even though we are now so far away from each other, I Loved him, I Love him and will always LOVE him. Miss you so much buddy. Love you.

Love has so many faces and so many meanings. I have loved so many people and so many things over time. For me each form of Love is precious and memorable. And here I am once again in Love. My LOVE for that one guy who has been so patient with me all this while. Its been more than two years now and we are still together[touch wood], this itself tells about the greatness of the guy who has so much patience and courage to still stick around with me. I am a normal human being and my wants and desires I much more simple than me, I just want everything to be perfect, to me my way, the best way. And the sweetest part of this relationship is that even though things are never perfect [according to what I think of perfection], its better than perfection itself. I am so much in Love, and I never ever had thought that I too can be like this. Blushing, smiling, laughing at the silliest jokes possible, sharing, caring, trusting, hoping each day would be something special for each one of us, wishing and praying for the other. Dancing in the room, thinking he is here with me, not singing loudly cause he gets irritated, smiling all the time, thinking that someone is watching me all the time. It is just a great feeling to be with. And this new Love, completely different from what I have felt uptil now. It makes me wonder, hurts me, makes me laugh, makes me go crazy and do things I would have never thought I could have done. In front of him, I am this stupidest, silliest creature imaginable, the child I miss being the most. I laugh and I cry like a Child, I am most pampered by him, I am most loved by him. He knows even the worst part of me and still loves me. And he knows I Love him too. My Loveliest of Loves!!! My dearest Love, it is because of you that the Love I had always looked upto and looked forward to has come so true and alive. I had never thought I could be Loved this way, the way you Love me and the way we shall always Love each other.
And then I Love my friends too, my dear dumb buddies. That doesn't mean that they are not smart, they are the smartest creatures I have known and I feel I am the dumbest around me [in front of some of them atleast]. There is my dear Pallavi, Payal, Ritu, Sharmi, Ajanta, Sonam, Ritika, Amrita, Deep, GG, Pritha, Kunal, Ammu, Samster, Shiby, Jon, Aubhi, Neha and so many more... Love you all guys...

IT IS ALL ABOUT LOVE...

F'day

2010-09-13T10:03:00.000-07:00

First day of August was a Sunday, and so it was Friendship Day!!!
One of my friends was planning to give her birthday treat for a long long time. So it was finally decided, obviously with the permission of the others concerned as well, that we would meet up on 1st of August,2010, in CC @ Salt Lake for the treat.
I was pretty excited about this whole thing. It was like we all would not just be celebrating the birthday [belated] of one of our friends, but also that we would be celebrating the first year of our friendship. I was really feeling special about this day and was looking forward to it.
I woke up and saw that it was raining. Wow!!! It was going to be fun. So I was all ready for this day. I called up one of my friends to ask if she is coming or not, to my utter surprise she said her mom wouldn't allow her to go out on a rainy day and moroever she had plans with her other friends for the afternooon. I was like Wow!!! After which I added, "That means I will get to see you only after October". She asked why, so I very sweetly replied, "Cause rains will continue till October, you see".
I was not irritated on the fact that she was going out with her other dearer friends, but with the fact that she didn't tell that one person who had invited her about this stupid excuse of hers. And then putting the blame on her mother. I wish I could say F*ck Off, but I was like, what is the use?
Anyways for the birthday treat only 2 people turned up and the birthday girl herself was very upset. But we tried to cheer her up a lot. And after sometime she was fine again. Thank God for that. What was worst was the fact that even her best friend had ditched her to be with her boyfriend and couldn't even inform. Though we were not much concerned about it and enjoyed the treat thoroughly. After which we went to see The Twilight Saga: New Moon.

Taylor, a.k.a, Jason was awesome and "hotter than Robert, a.k.a., Edward". The movie was good and we were stuffed with food. I was sitting beside a very cute couple, I wouldn't say they were old but they were young as well. Though leaving the age factor behind, since I was wowing and hooting for Taylor, whenever he would take his shirt off or appear on the screen, the uncle sitting beside me tapped on my hand. I thought they might ask about the series or something when he politely asked me, "No boyfriend?" Thank God there was no light on my face or else they would have seen I blushed. I didn't answer them back but nodded my head sideways to say a no, when aunty added, "Can understand."
I was like, ooooooooooo...
I wish I could have told them about my love life, but then I wasn't going to. They were really cute people and had made my day so sweet and memorable. Even though I was irritated and angry at the start of the day, but now I was enjoying it.
Also as it was Friendship Day, I was expecting a few of my good friends to atleast wish me through a message or something. But fortunately none of them had time, so I got to know how much I was valued in my friend circle.
I remember 6 years back, a night before Friendship's Day I had lost my best friend and I couldn't do anything to save him. I missed him the most that day and I couldn't even tell others about him cause I know people will call me childish or stupid and immature, but to be honest, He was and will always be my BEST FRIEND. Love you, Miss you My Hero. :-) Wish you were here with me. Will always love you and miss you, no matter how far you have gone away from me, you will always be right here with me, in my mind, my thoughts and in my heart. <3

:-)
At the end of the day... it wasn't a "F"ucked up day, as I had chosen to call it at the very start... But it was a beautiful "F" Day, "F"ull of "F"un, "F"riends, "F"amily and "F"ab memories...

Wednesday!!!

2010-09-11T10:22:00.000-07:00

It was a not so good day in university for me. A Wednesday, the day I was born wasn't going good at all. First it was the shitty overly crowded bus I had to ride in. Then I got a cabin seat, which I don't prefer while travelling in the bus because the women crowd there like anything and don't leave enough space for the others to even breathe in. And then as an icing, they never use a deodrant or wear a perfume. Its so disgusting and you can't do anything about it. So here I was in this horrendous condition where women were pushing each other and stomping on my feet... I had no choice but to sit there and wait for the time I was to get down from the bus. But as my not so good luck was favoring me so very much, the idiotic bus driver was driving at his own leisure, stopping for every damn person on the road, even for those who were least interested to be a part of the crowd inside the bus. It was just irritating, and not just me, there were other passengers in the bus as well who were making good use of their vocal cords by shouting at the conductor and the driver, though it had no effect on either of them.
My one and an half hour journey was becoming a nightmare now cause I was unable to even keep my feet properly over the foot rest as this stupid school girl, on her way for Puja Shopping had occupied that space and no matter how much I was hinting her to shift a little, she didn't even bother to move even an inch. And to add to my miseries, this really sweet looking, though overly healthy aunty got a seat right beside me. I know I shouldn't be cribbing about anything infact but her healthy body was making my sitting more and more uncomfortable, and I was on the verge of falling off my seat. Whenever there was a jerk, this sweet aunty would push me a little harder and then smile. I know it wasn't her fault, but I really couldn't question as to whose fault it really was. So here I was waiting for my joy-ride to come to an end.

But my not so good luck was damn persistent on turning my day into a day full of rubbish and idiotic occurences, when the rains started. Even though I was inside the bus and not getting a free wash out in the rains, the traffic in the roads miraculously increased and there we all were inside a highly slow-driven bus which was badly caught up in traffic jam and it seemed like ages that we had made a progress inside the bus. Finally the bus moved and I reached my stop. I was relieved and in a way happy to be out of the bus and its crowd finally. But as soon as I stepped out of the bus, heavy rains became a new obstacle for me. Thankfully I had my umbrella in my bag so I wasn't going to get wet. Late and a little wet in the rains, I entered the historical institution, Calcutta University.
I was well aware of the fact that I was late for my class. Though I managed running up the stairs and reaching the class when I saw that my friends had failed to keep a seat for me and so I had to sit in the last bench all alone. I was seriously irritated. First the seat in the bus and then here in class. What exactly was God trying to tell me? Or was I over-thinking things? Or it was all just a stupid coincidence? Who knew?
So here I was in the class, at the last bench, sitting with people I have never interacted with. The second class started and this time, just look at the irony of the situation, I was sitting in the first bench, though still without my friends. This time I was sitting with my classmates, atleast I had the privilege of sitting next to those with whom I can interact. Second class ended and we had to hunt down to another classroom for another seat. And this time, I was sitting all alone. No other choice, but had to face it. The fourth class was cancelled off, so decided to go back home. What a relief I felt just thinking about the word Home.
All thanks to my not so good luck, I didn't get any bus and it was pointless waiting there cause all I would have done was to waste time. So I decided to walk down, a walk of fifteen minutes, and from this other stop I would get a direct bus home. So I was walking down and thankfully there was no showers but only a bright sun to accompany me, making me sweat like a pig. I was about to cross the road when I realized that I had missed my bus. "Not again!", I said to myself. But it was of no use. I had to wait and thankfully the next bus came just after five minutes. The bus was crowded so I had given up on the hopes of finding myself a seat there, when the conductor said that in the cabin seat I can get a place. Again the Cabin Seat. I was like, "It is better than nothing". So I took the seat and was minding my own business when I turned to pay for my ticket and noticed this girl sitting beside me.
I was quite sure that she was a Marwadi, as if that mattered cause we already had so much in common. We both were girls, travelling in the same bus and there is something else which I would rather not mention :P . So this thing [let it create an atmosphere of mystery] got me thinking if I should approach her or not, or should I just skip it. But I just couldn't help myself and asked her directly about it. I was sure of one thing, if she wouldn't like my asking, her very first reply would say so. But to my surprise, she replied very sweetly and nicely and wasn't at all offended by it. So here we were two strangers , sitting side by side, talking about a thing which we both could relate ourselves with. But unlike the typical Bollywood masala flicks, we were two girls, both straight [atleast I'm sure of myself], talking, sharing information.
She was younger to me, after all she was just in her first year of college life and I am on the verge of finishing my study life [Gosh, I don't even want to think of studies anymore]. So one thing led to another, and I must say she was a real talker. Even at times I would stop, but she would go on and on about things. In a span of about 40-50 minutes, we had dealt with a host of topics in our conversation. And frankly, we had so much in common. The best being a dislike for the typicals. We had a good laugh about it and irrespective of the fact of who was listening to us or not, we both were enjoying our time together. We were so deeply in conversation with each other that she almost forgot that her stop had come. And so when she rushed towards the gate, quickly adding, "It was nice meeting you", all I could reply was "Same here". And she almost jumped out of the bus, when a lady standing in front of us asked me, "Aren't you going to leave as well". She must have assumed that we were good friends and judging by the way we were speaking, mind you in Hindi, she had expected me to get down there as well. But when I told this lady that I would get down near the last stop of the bus, she got a little disappointed [maybe with her assumption] and went towards the end of the bus, in the hope of finding herself a seat.

So this was my Wednesday, 8th of September,2010. A superbly eventful day for me. Not so rewarding but not so bad at the same time. I do remember you sweet girl and our conversation as well. Hoping to catch you soon in more of bus rides of our lives. Till then I hope you have a great time ahead and also Best of Good Luck for your exams dear. Even though I know your first name, I would not metion about it. Its good that you remain this anonymous person whom I met in the bus and had a great time with. It was only after I had met you that I had actually started to enjoy my day, well the rest of the day. Thank you sweet girl. Wish you lots of love and luck in life. And also hoping that sometime soon we cross each others path, the way we had this Wednesday. Take Care and God Bless!!!
:)

Do you see, what I see??!!!

2010-09-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

Looking back in time, I can still see myself entering through the green gate of my college building. It was my first day in Kolkata's top college, whose name is enough to make others wonder what special quality one has to have made through the cut. And this year it was going to be special. The college was deemed Autonomous status, a very vital step in the history of the colleges in Kolkata.
I was standing in front of the St.Xavier's College (Autonomous), under Calcutta University, and I was among those lucky few whose names where to be included in the list of being the first ever autonomous batch in the state.

It was indeed a privilege to have been able to be a part of such a great institute. Noone from my family had been able to get through any such good college. I was lucky enough to have been selected in the very first system of merit list and didn't had to face any written examinations or go through the interviews. Xavier's was one of the first colleges to have come up with the merit list system and morover was the first college to announce the name of the students it was ready to accomodate. Since my luck was favouring me I got through even before any of my other friends had. I was so excited and happy, not just for myself but for my family who had done so much for me and all I could do was give them the best I had in me.
I had fallen sick the day the merit-list was supposed to come out. I thought that any of my friends can find it out for me. Even though most of my friends where not in touch with me, things had happened and we had parted our ways even before life had made us stand apart from each other. But Dad was so good to me, he decided to take the car so that I can see the result for myself. I was so glad to have my Dad by my side. He is my lucky charm and I truly believe that. And going through the list, there I was. It was so surprising to see my name on the list and then instead of being happy that very instant I was worried about my friends. I didn't want to be the only one in this new world. But unfortunately none of my other friends had made through the list and I was all alone. I was happy and at the same time a little upset. But I could see Dad was so proud of me. I couldn't find my friends inside the premises of the college that day but saw other people whom I was in no mood to greet. I came back home and told everyone at home. They were all happy and I know proud of me as well. Even though some of my school friends were envious and had spread a lot of rumours, it was the least of my concerns.
As for the first day in college. It was fun and okay. Though I was hoping that here I might find a good-looking guy to pataofy... I was badly disappointed. Though I wasn't disappointed in finding myself Friends. Among the early ones was Arunima Jha and Pallavi Sinha, both from other departments. And I'm glad that I'm still friends with both of them but Pallavi has become a very important part of my life ever since then. But more on this friendship later. :-)
The second day we were given a brief introduction to the rules and regulations followed in the college by Father Eton (the then Vice-Principal of Arts n Sc. Dept.) and Father Mathew (the then Principal of SXC). Everyone was in awe of the college and was eagerly waiting for the next step. We were assembled in a class, which unfortunately for us was in fourth floor. It was a hell of a climb for us finding the room. As soon as we entered the room we found ourselves and here I remember calling out a girl's name, and she was Betsy Racheal Vergese, my first friend in the English Dept. We were all sitting staring at each other and looking at the others who were going to be a part of our lives in SXC for the next three years when our Professors entered the room.
I clearly remember the Professors. There was Prof. Betrum da Silva, better known as BD or Bertie Sir, he was our head of the department and a really good-looking professor though he appeared to be really strict and uptight. Then there was Prof. Dr.Chandrani Biswas or CB, she was so sweet and kind and enthusiastic in welcoming us to the college, trying her best to make us understand the pressures involved in being associated with the first time introduced semester system. But it was all fun until she passed us a copy of our syllabus and daily time table. That seriously went above each of our heads. Then came in Prof. Partho Mukherjee or Pm, Prof. Suchandana Banerjee or SB, Prof. Christina Mirza or CM and Prof. Arjun Sengupta or ASG. They were all going to be a part of our three years long journey in SXC. It was all so fresh and exciting and fun.
We all had dreams in our eyes and we all were looking forward to an awesome three years in this institute. There was smiles in all the faces. People were fighting to take up the first benches for themselves, choosing between professors, whom they liked the best and who wasn't so interesting and so on. There were green benches in the back gate which attracted our attention a lot. There were trees in the playground. We got to play as well whenever there was no class or no substitutes for the professors absent.
As I look back to the initial days in SXC, I remember how happy each one of us was and how great it was to be associated with something so great. But secrectly everyone was trying to find their place in the college. Everyone was trying to form their own groups and circles of friends, breaking the ice between the seniors and the professors. Those were the initial good days of SXC.

...more to come
:)

I am so ugly... :)

2010-06-07T10:39:00.000-07:00

Yes you are beautiful
And I am not
There are certain things
Which I shouldn't have forgot

When it comes from a person
Who claims to know you the best
You wish, you pray, you hope
One day you will get all the rest.

Thanks for the reminder
And also for making me realize
Also for showing the real world
When I was living in lies

Its like a pinch which makes me cry
Its the disease which creeps inside
Its like the plague which kills me slowly
Its all that which I didn't like.

Yes, you are more beautiful
And yes I am ugly as a lie.
But spitting the facts on my face
Won't make sure that I will die.

But I will wish that it comes true
And when there will be no me...
Will there be a You?

Ha Ta Sa

2010-06-03T10:45:00.000-07:00

For once I thought he would look up and say to me something. But I guess I wasn’t as important as the pile of paper which earned us bread and butter. It was that time of the year when he was very busy and me having holidays in the university had nothing much to look forward to. So I was going out, I was going to do something which would have been a taboo back in India but here in States, no one really cared. Even though I expected Sam would suspect a thing or two but it seemed he hardly cared.

I was wearing my favorite red top which not just made me look good but as Sam used to say before, even sexy :-) I was going to meet Henry once again. It was the third time in a week. I knew not what I wanted more, getting away from Sam or getting closer to Harry. But whatever it was I had made up my mind to enjoy myself completely.

She was going out again today and she was looking very pretty. But I knew not what to say to her. It had been more than a week since we had made love and now it seemed so awkward just to be standing in the same room with her. I was sure Tanu would understand me and my needs at the present hour. It was the busiest month of the year. I had to give a presentation and on this depends my next promotion. I hadn’t told Tanu anything about it yet but I was sure she would understand. This was third year in a row that I couldn’t take her out for vacations. Even though it’s known the amount of hard work and dedication I have to put into to live in such a costly flat and to afford the lifestyle we were now so used to. She was ready to leave and I didn’t even have the time to look up and say anything to her. I knew she was going to meet Kathy, her colleague and now her best friend from the university. Perhaps this was the fourth or fifth time she was going to meet her. I knew I owe her an apology for never being able to accompany her but I know she is a good wife and that she would understand my needs of the hour.

I was getting close to her each day. We were exchanging late night messages and were meeting now for the third time in a week. I knew she had a husband but I wasn’t really bothered about that. What I wanted was to have her below me, to push myself hard to her and to make her scream and moan in pain. I still remember when I had seen her in the campus of our university and the first thing that crossed my mind was who would she be in bed? Now my plans were finally working. It was not that I didn’t care about Kathy but her best friend seemed a better catch to me. I am sure to hit the jackpot the next time we meet for dinner. Let’s see what exactly happens this time. But I will have to make sure that my charm works on her and stays that long that I can feel her and make the wild and passionate love I had always dreamt of.

I didn’t know what I was going to do was right or wrong but I had known that my heart craved for more and that I wanted something more than just to be sitting around and waiting for Sameer to arrive from work and to warm his food. I had thought it was going to be the last time I meet Harry but he was just so nice and sweet to me. He was a true gentleman and I really liked the way he would make me smile trying to crack those silly jokes about random stuff. Kathy had not known anything about this and even I wasn’t really ready to tell her that I was kind of dating her fiancé. But I swore to myself that this is going to be the last time I met Harry this way. As soon as I reached home, as expected Sam wasn’t there and I was in no mood to cook. So I went to my room and closed the door behind me. I wasn’t quite aware of the fact that someone was already in the room.

“Ready or not?” that’s all I could hear and there were a pair of arms holding me so tightly that I could feel myself choke as if. I had never ever seen Sam so excited about anything. He took me in his arms and kissed me so passionately that all my thoughts melted that very instant. He had finally got himself the promotion which was due for three years. I could feel his happiness and I could see after all the hard work and the dedication did pay him well. I was happy for him but I didn’t know why I wasn’t happy about us?

It was the best day of the year I guess. I had my promotion in my hand and the one thing I wanted to do with it was to tell Tanu about it. I was sure she would have understood me and my happiness the best. So I rushed home but she wasn’t there. I guess she and Kathy must be having a good time. But now I was back and I could take care of her. I was patiently waiting for her to return home when I heard the door knob turn and open. She was back and I was so ecstatic that I hugged her badly and I kissed her so passionately that I could feel myself drowning away in that feeling which I thought was lost for sometime now. I was there with my wife celebrating the best day of my life and in her eyes I could see my happiness reflect. I had always known that she would understand me. She was my angel and I suddenly noticed that she was looking so beautiful and was in my favorite red dress.

She was not picking my call or replying to my messages. It got me thinking but I was sure she can’t really be serious when she said that we should end everything here. I was yet to creep under her skin. This cannot be happening with me. I must try and get her back and I will do it tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow seems promising and this time I won’t spare her. I will get all what I want it and no one can stop me now.

I couldn’t understand what had happened then but when he told me that he loves me I was once again in his arms and I knew nothing else. I had my Sameer back and I was happy. That was the best of night we had shared together. We kept on talking till late at night and for the first time I knew he was listening to me. I couldn’t stop myself from telling him everything. The random shopping with Kathy to even my recent fling with Harry. I told him everything and he didn’t seem to mind anything. And I was so happy to finally have him all to myself. It was the best of nights.

Harry, that bugger was after her. I had known it the day I met him and saw those mischievous eyes. But I should have been with her. It was my fault. How could I have missed that I needed to understand too that she might need me?

I cannot forgive that son of a b***h. how dare he come like this and charge me? Kathy, that stupid girl, believed her best friend over me. I wish they all go to hell. Now I need a drink badly and I guess I must call up Martha for a meet.

My dreaming phase!!!

2010-05-17T11:49:00.000-07:00

I had a dream so real...it made me smile, and it made me feel, those things which I have always dreamt of and when I close my eyes they still are here... ♥ :)

I had such a sweet dream this evening and I seriously wanted someone to ask about it. Well the first thing I obviously did was to call him up and tell him about it. He listened to it patiently but you know how you still want to talk about something. :D That is exactly how I was feeling and so I came online and found no friend of mine who would ask me about the dream. Even my status [as stated above] was clearly stating the fact that I absolutely loved it but none asked. :(

But I have to share it somehow and what better way than to blog about it so it stays with me forever. :-)

It was around 5’o clock in the evening when while playing with Dodo [my dog] I fell off to sleep and that too on the floor. And then I saw him so clearly in my dream for the first time. It was so shitty real that even when I am thinking about it, it doesn’t feels like all this must have happened to me in a dream. It all still feels so real to me.

So as I was fast asleep I saw he was sitting in our house and smiling so shyly. It was so cute. And then Phoolmani di came up to him and offered him something to drink which he politely accepted and asked for me. I don’t remember where exactly I was standing, because the place from where I entered didn’t seem anything like my house. But since I was eyeing on his moves and was listening intently to whatever he was saying, I smiled as soon as I heard my name and perhaps even blushed a little. I am telling you this was all very real to me and it still is. Then I entered the room and our eyes met and in instant things changed as if. I was all smiling smiling and he was doing the same thing when we both looked up to the door and saw mom enter the room. He was politely answering to all the queries mom had and was smiling shyly as well. I could see it so very clearly and as I recall it now it appears to be so real.

I asked him to come up with me so that I could show him the house and when we got up, I am very sure that it wasn’t my house anymore. Anyways as we were passing from one room to another there came a moment when we were all alone. And it was a chance for me to hug him so tight and it felt as if my whole world can crumble that very instant and it wouldn’t matter at all. I felt that everything I had asked for was with me finally. The hug is still so much on my mind that I can’t believe that it was in my dream. After that I obviously wanted to kiss him and like a perfect angel he denied saying we shouldn’t do things behind the back of our parents. And I made a silly joke that I hope he wasn’t considering on kissing me in front of my parents. :D To this he said that I should stop joking and be serious and understand what exactly he means by that. This not just made me happy but I could also see why I loved him so much and to tell you the truth, my love towards him increased a little bit more. ♥

That is where my dream ended but it was no dream for me. It all stands so very real that I can still feel it. Love u dear. I don’t really know what is there for us in the future but I seriously love my present with you. :-)

Who know's me the best???!!!

2010-05-16T06:02:00.000-07:00

Who knows me the best???

A very stupid question to ask but I try and look out for some answers…

Well to begin with, my parents. Do they know me the best? I think not because for the past few years they are busy toiling hard day and night to make my life such a heaven. And I in return am disappointing them with every damn thing possible on earth. I have realized lately that after all I am not a good daughter and that I have hardly ever cared for them. And in return of this I can’t expect them to always keep a track of whatever shit is going on inside my mind. But I wouldn’t say that they don’t try… they do but the problem lies in the fact that I don’t allow them to gain entry into my most inner thought processes. Even though they know me the best amongst all, still they don’t know me yet.

Then it is my elder sister. But I doubt how much she would know about me? Lately we have been so busy with our own personal lives that we hardly share anything with each other. Moreover both have a different set of friends’ circle and don’t perhaps feel the need anymore to share anything with one another. Nonetheless we love each other a lot but just that things have now drifted us apart from each other… :P

Them comes my friends. Well so as to speak I have lots and lots of friends who obviously don’t know much about me. It’s just that people think I am friendly and that I speak a lot so they know me the best. But if they give it a thought what they believe to know of me is only just a bit of what they think I am. :) It is tough to know someone who appears to be so friendly and talkative and so energetic because what lies beneath it might not be the same. Anyways I am not saying anything about myself. What I want to say that even though I have a hell lot of friends, they don’t know me.

Then there are my close pals. I do love them and care for them dearly. Some amongst them even don’t know how much they mean to me, maybe because I don’t want them to know :D Nonetheless these pals of mine are the best gifts on earth. They are all very sweet and caring but even they seem to lack an insight into me. I am definitely not over judging myself and presenting myself as some mysterious being. It’s just that no have has made the efforts lately to know what exactly I want or what I may like for a change. :-)

Rohil, my best buddy… even he has missed out a lot on me lately. After all he is busy with his own career and I can’t blame him for that. And I seriously want him to get the best of what life has to offer, for which the guy is working hard enough and I wish him lots and lots of love and luck. Even though he might not need it from me but buddy you have been a sweet heart. You have stood by me when there was no one around and even though I miss you so very much these days, I really can’t express much. All you need to know is that buddy I miss talking to you.

Then comes the love of my life. Even though he has the link of my blog I doubt how many times he has actually gone through it. Anyways he knows me well enough, and that is for sure. He knows exactly when I have a mood swing and knows how best to deal with it but somehow he has forgotten to know how I am doing or why these days my mood is swinging so much. :-) Well he too has a life which he too has every right to live it to the fullest so how can I expect him to give all the damn attention to me?

So the conclusion from all this is so plain and simple… I have wasted so much of my time typing this out and thinking who knows me the best but never really gave a thought on getting to know others. Strange but it’s the fact that I have been so over indulged with myself that I have completely forgotten about the rest. And now I know not what is best for me, which course of action should I take. And then others come into my life and blame me and laugh at me [which is like so needed…] yet my brains stop to function. This is clearly a sign of a confused soul. But who cares, confusions are part of our own superstitions. We just have to deal with them. Don’t know what exactly should I write more just want to be alone for a while. Just want to be away from everyone and maybe then I will be back to being my own self, not known by others and yet so known… :-)

If...

2010-04-22T10:52:00.000-07:00

If there were words greater than my feelings...

If there were actions greater than my thoughts.

I'm sure you would have known how I feel for you

And you would have seen that my love is true...

All I have to say is that I love you :)

Love me when I'm gone

2010-04-15T10:12:00.000-07:00

It is indeed difficult to be in a long-distance relationship. And it can get really frustrating and irritating at times that you may not even realize why all of this is happening to you. Maybe all this happens because at times when you feel like hugging that one person who is so special and precious to you, you can't. And at times when you want to talk to him so badly, and you know he is busy somewhere else and you know not of his mood, you can't do anything about it. It isn't easy to be close to someone who is physically so far away from you and you can't even reach out to him anytime and every time you want to. At times you so want him to see those tears in your eyes which others have not and you so want him to listen to your heart beat faster each time you are feeling lonely and you are sad and depressed. But then even he is not around you to realize that you are silently crying inside and the smile you wear on your face is just a mask. And then there is the fear that since he is so far away from you and home, he is all alone and you can't dump all your worries and insecurities on him. Even he has a life to live and you can't always make him listen to you when there are so many things which are still left to be done for him too and he too has every right to live his life his own way.

All this makes you think why did you ever go for a long-distance relationship. Maybe because there was no one worth you, around you, who would have understood you and stood by you, and that when you needed someone there was no one to make you feel so special as he had always done for you.

Its the magic when you look at your inbox and see his messages, even just saying a simple 'Hie' or that he is busy and will talk a little later. There's a big smile on your face just when you see his name flash on your cell phone and whenever you think of the late night conversations you had with him. All this makes you realize that he is indeed special and that he is yours. It feels great when he calls just to say that he is busy and won't be able to talk for a while or will not be able to attend your calls... they just show that somewhere back in his mind he was thinking of you even though was in the midst of all the chaos and all the engagements couldn't keep him away from thinking about you.

That is when you feel that even though there are those tough phases in your relationship you can't afford to overlook those phases when you can just laugh your heart out with him and feel special and precious whenever he is around you even though he is miles away. You feel that for a change there is someone out there who cares for you and no matter how far away he is, you know somehow that he is the one for you and you are totally committed to him. That is when you look forward to a bright future where you hope and dream and wish and pray for things far better than how they are currently going on...

No sweet escapes...

2010-04-14T10:24:00.000-07:00

Without this and that I was mighty happy
There was no latent desire and no pain, you see.
Since I had learnt the strategy for my survival
Had learnt to keep shut when there was no need.

But when there are those killer headaches

And those pain killers make no efforts or any delays,

I feel like running away from everything

And it gets worse when I realize I have no say.

And then it happens, it was so uncalled for
That I burst out and displayed those feelings inside of me.
This wasn't the way it was supposed to be
This wasn't exactly what I wanted to see in me.

And then all this happened
Making me realize how big a mistake I had committed
All the things I hate revolving around me
And yet I am so quite and so under-rated.

Perhaps that is how my life was meant to be,
To scream and shout and yet be so quite.
The new tasks that I face each day
Remind me that there are no sweet escapes...

Love or curse???

2010-03-05T08:33:00.000-08:00

I wish to say a thousand words,

I wish someday the curse would work...

I wish I didn't had to face the love

And yet I wish I was always loved

If you ask me...

2010-02-26T09:40:00.000-08:00

If only the world would have known

If only I would have shown

There wouldn't have been any If's anymore

There wouldn't have been a me so alone...

I can still feel it...

2010-02-21T09:53:00.000-08:00

As the day passes by
And the night crawls in
I hear us in the corner together
I can feel it in my skin.

When the darkness hides us within
I hear screams, I hear them more
I can see you coming upto me
And hear your name over and over.

I can feel the touch, I do feel it
We are togther as one, I can see it
Nothing can stop me from feeling this feeling with you
The smell of your skin still lingering on me.

I want you irrespective of day or night
I can feel you around me, over and aside
I feel your flesh, I can even feel its pain
I can feel it all, want to feel it again?

Missing you

2010-02-13T08:53:00.000-08:00

If only you had known my thoughts

You would have known all that I've got

If only you stood right in front of me

You would have been able to see

Just how much I miss your hands in mine

And that sweet smile so divine

Miss you more than mere words could ever express

Miss you more and more, I don't care about the rest!!!

Full of me!!!

2010-02-07T06:35:00.000-08:00

I simply hate it when I don’t have good pictures of mine. It seems as if I’m not meant to have good pictures at all. And by the way photography is one of my many hobbies these past few days. I like clicking human figures but somehow my interest isn’t in their faces but the actions they indulge in. Nature is good subject for photography but it seems I have lately lost interest in it. Don’t know why but things aren’t the same anymore. Even I am not the same I guess…

Listening to non-stop music is another of my many hobbies. I can listen to music all day long. Even though my ear drums pain with human voice when strained, it seems so sweet when it strains in a melody. At times I prefer listening out to songs than to others. Somehow the need to listen and to be heard is gone from me. But still at least I listen to someone… strange yet I can understand all of it so very well.

Writing has become another of my hobbies. I agree I’m not a great writer for sure, but it gives me a lot of pleasure these days. I can pen down or even type down my feelings. And what’s best about it is the fact I don’t have to strain my voice anymore to anyone. And I don’t have to worry about the fact that anyone’s listening to what I am saying or not. Cause I don’t want anyone to hear me out anymore. And another benefit about writing, I can listen to music and write things down as and when I feel like and about things I wish. So writing and listening goes side by side for me.

Dancing has been my long time hobby. But these days I don’t dance anymore. The need to dance and express myself is gone somehow. But yes I do miss dancing a lot. It was great back in the good old days when I used to dance every now and then and wouldn’t give a damn to others. I want those days to be back. I want to dance again and this time with someone special, with someone who can move a leg with me and sway into the music. It might sound erotic but it’s my wish to dance with someone very special. I am waiting for that day to happen to me. Hopefully it comes real soon.

Reading was my hobby a few days back. But I have lost interest in reading. Maybe because it gives false hope to my sweet little heart. Realism is required for survival. Romance has to be kept away for a while… there is romance and those special moments too but …. Oh well, let all that be with me ;-)

At present I can’t recall any of my other hobbies. :P :D But for sure it’s great fun to be me… with all the confusions and worthless tensions and crap thoughts… it’s all fun… great fun

~~Cheers to me!!!!~~

Only a wish to Love u the best!!!

2010-01-31T03:08:00.000-08:00

Song : Three Words
Artiste: Cheryl Cole ft. Will.i.am

I met a guy at the club 
I let him know I'm in love

I met a girl at the bar
I let her know who you are
I told her you are a love of my life and
One day you gonna be my wife and
We are gonna have some babie together

I told him you are a man of my dreams
You saved me from drowning in the streams
I know we're really gonna last forever and ever

It was those, 3 words that saved my life
It wasn't complicated
Wasn't pre-meditated
It wasn't under-rated

Boy I'm so glad you stayed and
It was those 3 words saved my life
It wasn't complicated
Wasn't pre-meditated
To you I'm dedicated 
Let's go ahead and say it

I love you  I love you
 You are the love of my life my life
I love you  I love you
 You are the love of my life my life

You know you're holdin my heart
Can't nothin' tear us apart
You know I'm so in love with you 
Can't nothin tear us apart no

I said I L-O-V-E Y-O-U
I'm so into you girl
She said M-E T-O-O

It's obvious I'm so into you boy
So why don't we ( we ) hold ( hold ) on ( on ) for ( to ) love
Through the ups and downs never let go 
Holdin' on forever never let go 

It all started with 3 words, saved my life
It wasn't complicated
It wasn't complicated
It wasn't complicated
It wasn't complicated
Baby those 3 words saved my life

I love you  I love you
You are the love of my life my life
I love you  I love you
You are the love of my life my life

I wish only if these words reach the right person and he understands it...
Everytime I listen to this song I don't know why I feel so lonely and yet I feel something complete inside of me...

I see you

2010-01-23T05:37:00.000-08:00

"And she will be loved..."

These lines make me think about so many things which every stupid girl thinks will happen in real life. I know life is no fairy tale and yet I believe every moment is more than just magic. Its something more than that. And I am loving each day and each moment here. Its more than a fairy tale for me coming true in front of me. And as my stupid fairy tale progresses I am sure my Prince Charming is going to come real soon. Till then let the Damsel who is not in distress wait and watch and listen to some great songs... :D :P

We belong together

2010-01-17T22:21:00.000-08:00

I know its hard to trust someone you have not met
But life is so strange and thats what you had said
We trusted each other, and we trust some more
We love each other, and see it happen like a folklore
There ws anger, there was pain, there ws struggle
There ws distance. Yet today we don't juggle
Out our emotions to those who don't know us
Its between us, these lovely emotions
I knw you love me, you know I love you too
It doesn't matter how far it succeeds, but it is all true
I see people around me, I see them in disguise
But you are the one who saw me inside my mask
And I hope we all love until the end of time
Whether we are miles apart, some part of you will always be mine

Free bird!!!

2009-12-27T07:36:00.001-08:00

Its so good to see that noone is bothered about your existence
It feels nice to know that the day you are gone,you will be a no one

That is how it should always be, that is how it is meant to be
The day I die, I don't want a single tear, that is the day you will be free...

Dear ones!!!

2009-12-27T07:31:00.000-08:00

doи't kиow ιƒ you wєяє thє oиє ι should hαvє мιssєd
doи't kиow ιƒ lιƒє would hαvє ьєєи shoяtєи wιthout thє lιst?
ьut whαt ιs thє ρoιиt oƒ thιиgs whιсh go uиwяιttєи
Why to wєιgh αиd мєαsuяє soмє thιиgs whιсh αяє wιthιи?

You kиow ι мιss you мoяє thαи thє lιsts сαи сlαιм
You kиow ιt ιs ƒαя ьєttєя thαи lιsts whιсh αsk us to ьє tαмє
Hαd мιssєd you yєstєяdαy, wαs мιssιиg you todαy αиd
ιt would αlso ьє thє sαмє єvєи toмoяяow, сαusє you я мy oиly ƒяιєиd.

While surfing through the net, I came up with these lines... Was missing my dear friends- Rohan and Rohil... both mean a lot to me and its because of you my dear ones that life has become so beautiful and so lovely. Thanks for being there with me always. In your own ways, you both have made me realize the importance of being happy in any situation and be the best of what I am supposed to be. Thanks my dear ones... Thanks once again :)

My homage to Sorrow.

2009-11-10T06:57:00.001-08:00

Life is funny. Everyday you get to see something new happening around you. Every time you feel you have full control of it, you fail to realize that you don’t. One may not know what lies ahead of this moment. No one knows what a new day may bring for him/her. It is funny to see how each day progresses and how we feel that we are achieving something, but how little do we realize that this progress is towards our very own end. Hardly do we realize that things can end too. We have stupid fights over stupid immaterial things. We hurt each other, we hate this and we hate that, we hate ourselves, and we follow rules just to break a few, everyday we look at the mirror just to ensure that everything is alright. But is everything ever going to be alright once when you have the gift called “Life”.

Strange as it may sound, a positive girl like me speaking about death in such a way. But yesterday itself I had an encounter with death, a peaceful death, in a moment which I don't really know how well to describe. But what seemed funny to me was the fact that after this encounter with death I had to attend a birthday party, celebrations of someone who is happy to be alive[no offence meant]. Such a contradiction in a day itself made me wonder what really I am supposed to do with all of it. I still don’t have an answer to this question and so I sit here and type this all out. Type the supposed story of a “living dead”.

A normal day it was. I was sitting idly on the bench, hardly paying attention to what the person on the dice was speaking about. Perhaps the class was on how Gulliver tried to communicate with the lilliputs, on whose island he had accidentally landed. And that person on the dice was trying to show how Gulliver kept on contradicting himself, saying something and doing completely the opposite of it. Contradictions are an inevitable part of human life. That is what I have learnt after so many days of my survival here. So there I was sitting and staring at my copy, little realizing what exactly might happen in the next moment. I was eagerly waiting for the evening celebrations with my friends, it was one of my friend’s birthday and I was to go there and join her and indulge in the festivity. After this class, I was to leave for the party. I was giving blank looks to my copy and waiting for the class to end soon. But then there was a sound which distracted all of us, including the man on the pedestal. And then a scream was heard. Sitting on the third bench I hardly had a proper view of what exactly had gone wrong which made the girl scream so badly. And then my friend told me that a sparrow had hit itself in the fan which was moving and was supposedly hurt. But the scream I had heard seconds ago had told me a different story. Something wasn’t right and it made my stomach turn inside. There were small feathers flying in the air of that room, a spacious and yet so congested room, over crowded with people who hardly have a purpose of being there.
We had to find out what had happened. That is when this guy stood up to inspect what had happened, we call him “Carpenter” [cause he looks like one and is always ready to mend things even when they don’t need mending]. So he stood up and went forward smiling as always [and I hate that irritating smile of his, its so very God knows what]. He turned to tell his friends that the sparrow was dead and as he said “broken into two”. Did the sparrow had a life or was it a non-living entity? I was confused. But what he did further was more irritating. He took the body of the sparrow [mind you all, without the head] and threw it out of the big window [I wish I could have pushed him from there as well, but I didn’t cause I do have some feelings left] and then he was like- “What should I do now?” I so badly wanted to scream- “go join the dead”. And then he walked a little further and he took the head and threw it out of the window and smilingly [a little annoyingly now] he asked for permission to leave so that he can “wash it off”, “it”…
“Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this blood clean from my hand?”

“All the perfumes in Arabia will not sweeten this little hand. …cleansing blood to wash away that damned spot” [Macbeth]

Irritating and disgusting his act was. This doesn’t means that I expected people to give a proper burial to the small bird but a little respect would have harmed none. Do you expect people to throw you away once you are dead? Well inevitably they will do so, throw you away from their life and your memories, but would you still want it to happen?

The bird must have been a great creature, of that I am sure. Flying high in the air, feeling the breeze in the wings surely would have given the bird [let’s call the bird- Sorrow], a great sense of freedom. Away from all the trivialities of life, not bothering about how it looks or how to best impress others and lie a little more, Sorrow surely must have had a life better than all of ours. And the moment before Sorrow left us all with our own sorrows to look after, I know it was on its peak of success, enjoying its flight when the stupid blades of the very old, dingy and dirty fan hit it, just a small sound and the plight ended in a peaceful death, without any hassles, no pain, no crying, no nothing. There was no voice heard except that of the girl sitting on the first bench who must have screamed because of the brutality of the death, but I am sure she must have not known the peaceful pain of Sorrow, who is by now flying high in the sky, and we can’t see anymore the beautiful flight of the dead bird. It is gone now, with no proper flowers to offer, with no burial, with not a single tear shed on its departure, but only with harsh reality that once you are gone, you are gone forever, even from the lives of the others. Forever…

As a privileged section of animals we enjoy so many things in our lives. From the moment we are born till the moment we die and at times even after our death, we are a lucky lot of beings. We need flowers, and proper burials, people come to pay their last respects [no matter how bad one must have been, the dead are always forgiven and we cry in their loss]. All rubbish, everything is so unreal. Life is so dead...

Well on the same day, I attended a birthday party. A celebration of life, smiling youthful faces made me forget about the little, not so significant incident of the day, and I too was having a good time.

Life is so unpredictable. Live it while we still can, once gone it won’t come back.

By the way the bird supposedly [according to me] died a peaceful death. It happened in a fraction of seconds, no pain, without any troubles. I want to die like that. Reminds me of “Ode to a Nightingale”

“I have been half in love with easeful Death,
…
Now more than ever seems it rich to die,
To cease upon the midnight with no pain,…” [John Keats]

I bid thee adieu oh dear Sorrow. I too was unaware of your presence amongst us until yesterday. You taught me an important lesson, the hard lesson called “Life”. I shall respect it more and shall live it everyday.
Thanks Sorrow for all you stood for and shall always stand for. You have been my inspiration to die, an inspiration to live and love my life until I die.
I shall miss you.

**May your soul rests in peace**

The girl who came here to stay...

2009-11-08T01:14:00.001-08:00

The empty streets call her today.
The missing beggar at the corner of the street,
The street lights dim in the month of May.
Will she ever walk again this day?
Will they see her face in dismay?

Those sign boards on those closed doors,
Those voiceless hawkers screaming some more.
Far across this deserted street, she stands,
All alone, not ready yet to cross over
But something calls her out once again.

In a trance shed walks past the empty bar.
She forgets to stay and pay her regards
And walks straight, across the yard.
She walks with little hopes in her heart,
Then why does she stop? Stop so far?

Can she go any further with such a pace?
Can she tell the time with a tickless clock?
She knows what she does, or can she not?
There she goes again, without tears now
But why does the voice still call out to her so loud?

What a lovely moment...

2009-10-11T09:29:00.000-07:00

I thought of buying something for you
But what to buy, I had no clue.
I thought of getting some flowers with petals
But my thoughts just won't settle,
And I couldn't find anything admiringly special
Which could show how much you mean to me
So this is what I can afford to give from my heart
A simple promise that I would never let you fall...

Can't get enough

2009-10-08T07:57:00.000-07:00

I don’t remember exactly how cultivated the habit of walking. I guess it is in human nature to start walking on their two feet as soon as they learn to know how their body can slide and glide and move with a certain rhythm in it. My mother tells me as a child I had broken three baby-walkers, this itself must tell you all how eager I was about walking and moving here and there. From the very early days of my life I was known as an avid walker. I couldn’t sit for long, I had to walk here and there, to eager not to stop or rest. Walking, running, hopping, jumping comprised the main activities of my life. It was fun and it still is fun.

I remember once during puja holidays in school I went to stay at my uncle’s place with my elder sister. It used to be fun back then when my grandfather was alive and grandmother and us. It was so cool just to be with them. Anyways, so uncle, aunty, us and my cousins decided to go pandal hopping. Known for his misery attitude everyone knew that uncle would make everyone walk. :-P Everyone was soon tired off because of the walk and moreover the stamping crowd. But I remember being able to walk so comfortably. This is one of my long walks which I remember. It was fun to watch others walk past you, you walking past a few. And looking at others, being looked at, it was so different. Then I remember the long evening walks we used to have in our first house. It was the best place on earth, if given a choice I would love to go back there and live the rest of my life. In the evenings after dad and mom would return from their work and we would finish off our homework and early dinner, we all would lock the front doors and leave for our evening walks together. I don’t remember Goldie [our first dog] much in the walks but when I look back at those memories I can see myself running around with Tuffy [our second dog].It was so fun, both of us, me and Tuffy would run here and there, race with each other and as soon as some stupid street dog would come to attack him he would run towards me and I, hardly in class 2 or 3 would run for his protection. And I still remember beating up these pair of dogs who were successful in attacking my dear hero. I still miss him, he was my best friend. I don’t remember ever being alone back then. Tuffy was always there with me. And I remember how we would play hide and seek and whenever there was waterlog in front of our house, both of us would go crazy. He would run here and there and I would run after him, even my elder sister would join us in. it was so much fun. And then when in class 3 I guess I started going to school on my own, it wasn’t far, and would come back home, he would jump over me and our celebrations wouldn’t end ever. It was fun back then.
And then there was those early morning walks when dad would wake us all up and take us to the park before sunrise. And all four of us along with Tuffy would watch the sun rise and I would go crazy in the small rides, and especially the slide where I and Tuffy would jump in together and he would actually slide down. Then at times there were lonely walks as well. I would go out on my own and walk about here and there. I would even go out in the market all alone. It was all so much fun for me. The place we used to live in was blessed with nature’s bounty and it was so green and pure and quiet and serene. I remember the inner peace we all had there and how much we all used to walk.

Then there were those days when I would walk to follow. Those were also fun. My grandfather walking in front of me and me running behind him trying to keep up with his pace. He would go to a thousand places in a single day and he was the only person who could tire me off of walking. I still remember whenever he used to come to our place on weekends, he would get those chocolate cookies for me and I would go crazy after them. Then he would get me stationary stuff as well and those scented pens and smart note books and all. Gosh, I miss him.

Then there was a time when I was again walking alone. Those walk where from the bus-stop to my school. Three years of lonesome walks made me a lot stronger than what I was earlier. A lot of things changed in me since my first walk. The hazy pictures were clearing now and there were different and new avenues to be explored within my own self. The next two years I didn’t walk much, didn’t had to because there was always someone beside me walking or holding my hand. Great years they were.

Then college life. Was really scared of walking all alone once again. I knew things are never going to be the same. Oh by the way, I had lost Tuffy by now and there was no hero in my life. In fact I believe that there cannot be another hero for me. He was the best and he is an inspiration for me. A dog and an inspiration is a little weird but he is always with me. Anyways in my first year, I did most of my walking all alone. I was scared but strong enough never to give in. these days were nice also, cause even in my loneliness my thoughts always gave me company. Then the second year and came in people who never left my side. Even in third year there were people around me walking with me always. Miss you all dear. By the first year came Dodo[our 3rd dog], my birthday gift, and we never got get along. Guess I was scared if he would take Tuffy's place in my life. In 2nd year DJ [our 4th dog] came into our lives. He is awesome, my baby and my sweetheart, I just love to pamper him. :D

For my birthday treat we all had gone to Forum that was one of the most happening days of my life. My parents were supposed to pick me up in the evening from outside of the college gate so we had to return from Forum back to the car. The walk from Forum till the college in the evening was awesome. I got such great friends. My first walk in college with friends who are still there with me. Since then I had a lot of walks with A, G and P. it was fun, it felt like I too have people with me who care. :-) thanks guys. Love you all. I remember the day I had to stay back in college for this union meeting and it was really getting late. Jon and Aubhi were there with me. And the walk back with Jon where both of us were literally running was awesome. That was the day when I and Jon connected and I came to know some great things about the guy and actually me we both realized how well we understand each other. Miss you too mate. Then came new friends in third year with whom I went for lots of shopping. There was always Pallavi with me from the first year and then came more friends. Pallavi and I used to have a blast together. We were just together walking, talking, and having a great time. Miss you too dear >:D<
Walk with Neel is also memorable. Walks with Arpita was fun and interesting, got to learn a lot of abuses from her. :D

I miss my walks these days… but I haven’t given up still…

There are more walks still left to be undertaken. There are still streets left for me to cover. There are lots of people I still haven’t had a chance to walk with. I am ready for the walks. I am ready for the new changes. I am ready to walk some more.

Jaane tu mera kya hai???

2009-10-06T02:28:00.000-07:00

It is so strange that at times I wonder how life turns out to be, how we meet people and how special they become suddenly and in a flash of a moment you realize how wonderful life is with them. And by God’s grace I too have found such special people in my life. And they are all wonderful… believe me; life is wonderful with them around me.

This blog out here is a special dedication to all such people in my life. I thoughtI would not take any names,still I mention a few. But must also tell everyone how lucky I feel with such awesome and superb people around me. They not just are there with me, but understand me, my needs, my likes and my dislikes so well. They not just give a hand to me when I am sad or alone but they never leave my hand even when I am on the top of the world. I am simply lucky to have so many people who care so much for me…

Each one of you are so very special to me… its wonderful to have you all.
And what’s best is that I don’t have to be something I am not in front of them. I am the small child I always want to be, laughing, crying, going crazy, doing what I do best- be myself. :-)

And seriously each one of you is special to me and I shall treasure you guys forever in my heart.

Handsome [Fishy Guy]
Superkool [ Nahor]

Ruja[Teddy]
Nurav [Nura]
H MMMMM.......

You guys have always been there with me… its awesome to have people like you in my life. We might not have met but someday I seriously hope that we do. Till then the hope is always there that someday our paths might cross.

Samster
Amit
Pallu
Aunty
GG
Auchi
Jon
Neel
Poulo
Sharmi
Ajju
Kartikeya
Torsa
Soumana
Moinak
Kunal
Shibz
Aatreyee
[sorry if I miss out on names and the names are in no serial order]

I have so many names to mention… but I don’t know how well to thank you guys for what you all have done for me at one point of time. Its great, seriously to be with you all.

There were times when I cried, there were times when I was hurt and I am sure it was the same with you guys, but I can never forget and thank you all enough for whatever you all have done for me. You have been a pillar for support, a hand to guide me, the light in my darkness. I just don't have enough words to describe any of it. And no matter where we stand today, each one of you is special to me for so many reasons. I seriously have been blessed with some of the best people in the world.

And your memories shall always be cherished, those moments shall always be remembered.

Take care my friends.
Love you all

:*
:*
:*
>:D<

I'm dreaming...

2009-09-29T00:05:00.000-07:00

The heart of gold,
With those sparkling eyes.
A dimple which makes up for my smile,
He is my frn...
Not for a day but for a lifetime.

:|

2009-09-13T07:46:00.000-07:00

Bruised, battered and tired almost
All alone in the crowd.
I wish someone would call out to me
Call out a little loud...

2009-08-18T01:09:00.001-07:00

TWO SONGS FOR HEDLI ANDERSONin
Selected Poems of W.H. Auden
by W. H. Auden
Vintage

I
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public
doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

II
O the valley in the summer where I and my John
Beside the deep river would walk on and on
While the flowers at our feet and the birds up above
Argued so sweetly on reciprocal love,
And I leaned on his shoulder; 'O Johnny, let's play':
But he frowned like thunder and he went away.

O that Friday near Christmas as I well recall
When we went to the Charity Matinee Ball,
The floor was so smooth and the band was so loud
And Johnny so handsome I felt so proud;
'Squeeze me tighter, dear Johnny, let's dance till it's day':
But he frowned like thunder and he went away.

Shall I ever forget at the Grand Opera
When music poured out of each wonderful star?
Diamonds and pearls they hung dazzling down
Over each silver and golden silk gown;
'O John I'm in heaven,' I whispered to say:
But he frowned like thunder and he went away.

O but he was fair as a garden in flower,
As slender and tall as the great Eiffel Tower,
When the waltz throbbed out on the long promenade
O his eyes and his smile they went straight to my heart;
'O marry me, Johnny, I'll love and obey':
But he frowned like thunder and he went away.

O last night I dreamed of you, Johnny, my lover,
You'd the sun on one arm and the moon on the other,
The sea it was blue and the grass it was green,
Every star rattled a round tambourine;
Ten thousand miles deep in a pit there I lay:
But you frowned like thunder and you went away.

Such beautiful lines...made me cry when I first heard them in the movie-- "Four Weddings and a Funeral". Lovely...so simple, so true, so lovely... so peaceful

MISSING MY FRIEND...

2009-08-16T11:34:00.000-07:00

Some one recently questioned about this person in my life, I didn’t know how best to give him a reply, I wasn’t sure if the other person would understand the relationship I share. But anyways I loved the reply I came up with…and it all happened near about five minutes ago. And here is my reply… these lines are meant for a dear friend, who is busy with his life, his career, earning money, working hard and still he is the reason why I smile now and then… , even though he is a million miles away… these lines are meant only for you my friend….

“A friend, philosopher, a guide.
I don’t want any feelings to hide.
He is a ray of hope
The other end of this friendship’s rope.
A beam of light
When nothing seems right.
Someone who never said too much.
But is a friend as such,
Who will walk with me till the end of time,
All I know HE is a friend of mine.”

Because of my shitty server, I have to post it now :(
But this friend of mine, well he is back, a little tired and exhausted and a little worried. But he is back and I am sure everything will be alright once he is back. Take care buddy… I missed you a lot and I am sure everything is going to be alright. :-)

I'm the new change...

2009-08-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

They told me to start over again
They always have.
I remember the first step I took
Those new steps with the new look.
Change has always been constant
And so I was changing too.
Changed my school, changed my friends,
Changed the uniform I used to wear.
Changed the way I used to think
Challenged new thoughts, doubts and feelings.
Made all the efforts to move ahead
Made the efforts to become the “bestest of the best”.

I made another effort for a new beginning
They said… was it possible?
I made sure it was never impossible
For I achieved this thing.
They all said they loved
And so we became friends
But at the end of the day
Only three of us stood together.
So special were those days
When I learnt something new.
They all were so encouraging and supportive
I respect them more every way.

Then came the best change of all
I grew so proud and tall.
‘Tis the best bargain of all.
And yet it made us all … fall.
Made three years worth living
All the love worth giving
I got my share of love too
Along with came the dear hate.
But I felt it was not too late
for a better turn from the worst
those feelings seize to exist
they have finally turned to dust.

Today, I stand here all cold and lonely
Even though things are working somehow
I am no more happy.
I am disgusted, the way system works.
And now I want to change it all the more.
Seems I’m losing energy though
And want to give up with time,
And give up this fight of mine.

BUT …
It’s time to change again …
Let me see what happens this time,
I am ready for all the rains.
Let me be prepared to be slaughtered,
I will enjoy the killing and the new bloodshed.
Let me be prepared to be the new excavation,
I am prepared to be the new … ME …

The day that never comes...

2009-08-12T10:14:00.001-07:00

What two great days I had? I still can’t believe that all this happened with me. So many emotions in such little amount of time seems really strange to me. I am moody indeed, but my emotions changing with my mood in fraction of seconds were like wow!!! I seriously don’t know what to do, how well to write down my feelings today. Is it a blessing or a boon in disguise? Is this a warning? I don’t know what to expect of things anymore… I know none of this was expected three years back when I was super excited and felt super lucky with the way things were going on.

So many good things have happened over the three years but the past 3 days have made them all seem so small. So many times have I cried and for whom? Not for myself, for sure but I have and it hurts each time I realize how I am to continue living leaving behind old things and old friends and believe me none of it is worth leaving behind. I feel that somewhere down I have been unable to do things properly. I wish I had the power to set things right, to make things happen, to make people smile and for once see deserving people wining. Why did it have to happen? Why things are going the other way? I fucking cried when I heard about it.
They had said that Adam has to work till he sweats his brows, but here Eves are sweating badly each day for their works to be done. What rubbish is going on? And what’s worse, the blame is shared by one and all, even me, but none is ready to accept the fact. And so I accept my faults and I am sorry that I caused so much trouble to my own self.

I had thought I would write this and I would write that, but don’t know why I am not writing anything out. Tomorrow I am at home, hopefully when I feel it right, I am able to type more and give vent to my feelings. Till then see you all soon. :-)

The saddest part of my day
When you have to leave, and you walk away.
:|

My Friend....

2009-07-04T11:58:00.000-07:00

It’s come to this now
I want to say so much for once.
But words won’t come out
Though its time to voice my thoughts.

Those days of endless fights,
When both of us wouldn’t stop.
Those nautankis we both did,
Making the other one sulk.

But today things are not the same
And now I want to say
I will make my words speak
I will speak out for a change.

A smile you brought onto my face
A pat on the back, without a trace.
I knew I found a true friend
Whose friendship shall never efface.

I love fighting with you all the while
The arguments without any rhyme
The stupidity we couldn’t guard ourselves from
I must say that was our best time.

But who said that we have to part?
We are yet to meet each other
And we are miles apart
But you are here, in my heart. <3

Today I apologize for my silly mistakes
And acknowledge your patience being always so considerate.
You are someone who inspires me always
Teaches me to be myself on any given date.

I love you for who you are
I love you for who you are to me
I love you for not just being such a great friend
But also for being the best of my R**i.

Faith by Faith

2009-06-18T01:29:00.000-07:00

With those heavy eyes and the dizzy feeling I looked around myself. Everything was a blur. I thought that I had lost my sight. Immediately my instinct was to rub my eyes and try and look around myself once again, just to make sure that my eyes were alright. As soon as I did so, everything was clear in front of my eyes, I could see, my sight wasn’t lost and that was a big relief. But then where was I? This wasn’t my room, the surroundings were different and yet not unfamiliar. It took some time for me to realize that I was in my parent’s room. But as the time was passing by my head grew heavier. It must hardly have been a few minutes and yet again I was feeling dizzy. My head, it felt as if someone was constantly banging a stick on it, and I couldn’t do anything about it. So I cried out,

“Mother… mother, where are you mother?”

My cry seemed spontaneous to me but I waited for a while for an answer. She must reply to me. I have called out for her.

“No one is here dear, but you are alright. Doctor says you are alright.”

I soon recognized the voice; it was that of Nora, my sister. But then why was she answering today? My instincts told me that something wasn’t right after all. I wanted my mother to be my side and she was nowhere to be found. But these bangs on my head kept me from moving even an inch from the bed and go look for her. Once again I was falling asleep, my eyes were closing and I was lost in my sleep.

These memories date back to those days when I was too small to even realize what exactly was going on around me. But the memories of that accident are not clear yet. I try hard to recall, but fail miserably each time. Well it surely was a long time ago. But nothing much has changed since then. I still crave and I still cry and these days the headaches kill me. My questions are not even answered these days. I love being a part of the crowd and yet I have become a kind of a loner. I hardly speak anymore about what I actually want to say. I wear a smile on my face as I see no other way of hiding myself from others.

Hey you know what they say about me? Promise me you won’t laugh. Nevertheless, they say Faith is a lucky girl, so confident, so full of energy; she doesn’t need to hide anything. She is always smiling, always so cheerful. They say Faith has everything in her to be a winner, they say they love her, and all their prayers are with her. But what they don’t know is that Faith has her existence in faith itself. She isn’t the person people think she is. Nonetheless undoubtedly Faith is faith. :-)

But Faith is a scared creature. She hates voicing her opinions, her feelings, and her emotions. She hides her pains and sorrows, even from her loved ones. She is afraid and scared. Is this the Faith people had known all this while? No one knows and she is afraid to tell them even.

It was Sports day and Annual Meet in my school, my final year in school. I had worked hard, really hard for it. My teachers were all happy and appreciated my efforts. But I felt incomplete, I felt something was missing. It was her presence; she was missing from the scene. She wasn’t here to witness what I had achieved in school all this while and how much I was loved and appreciated by all. I remember missing my cousin’s engagement for a competition. But I returned for the wedding and you know what, they didn’t even know me anymore. I wasn’t a part of the family as if. But I thought she would stand by me, make me a part of the family who had somehow forgotten about me. I wanted her to be by my side… she wasn’t there. I still wait for her. I want her to look at me and see, but she doesn’t and I still live by faith.

I am a big girl now in fact a lady… elegant, graceful, charming, just as a lady is supposed to be. But why do I wear my hair so clumsily? Why do I dress up so badly? Only for her to notice me once and correct my ways and manners, to make me into that girl again who is missing for a long time now. But I still am waiting for her look. She hasn’t turned around yet. I still wait for her. I still live by faith.

But now it is time, my hour of departure. I am once again all alone, sitting and staring at those vacant walls of my room. Diagnosed with last stage of cancer, they say I will leave soon. They have lost faith now, and even Faith has lost faith which was her only cause for survival. Though I still wait for her and she is nowhere to be seen. I will close my eyes soon, so they tell me, forever. But for once I want my cries to be answered by no one else, only her. Will she reply if I cry out loud this one time? Will she come back to me? Will you mother?

“Mother… mother, where are you mother?”

“I am here my child, right beside you dear, I am here.”

It was her voice, I know it was hers. She finally did reply to me. She is here, is she? I can’t wait any longer and so I turn around and yes she is here. Draped in white, the angelic face, I thought I wouldn’t recognize her. But here she was, right beside me, her hands stretched out towards me. I ran, ran a little closer and there was a slight pain in my heart but now I am with her. We are together, Faith and her mother. My holy hour has come, my faith has been answered. She is calling for me, and maybe she had always done so. But I in my blindness, in my ignorance must have mistaken it to be something else. I know she could not have forgotten about me. I finally get to see her, to feel her touch, she is my mother. The only person I lived for. Maybe she was not here all this while, to make me feel how much others too care about me, maybe to love me a little more when things weren’t all that right, to show that even though she was gone, I was not alone. I want to cry out today, cry a little louder but my tears won’t just fall from my eyes. I clear my blurred vision only to realize we both have transcended our homely abodes and now we are together… forever. Faith’s faith has survived the test of times, the test of life and death. Her faith is reawakened, by her being dead. She lives by it, it is her only existence. I love you mother, Faith loves you mother. I loved you all this while and shall love you till the end of our new lives. Faith is alive being dead…once again… Faith lives by faith. :)

Nostalgia....

2009-06-16T10:30:00.000-07:00

Another day and yet another hurdle I face all on my own. At times I wish I just wasn't this strong but now I know God choose me to be so. I love the wait, the challenges, the uncertainity called LIFE. I am ready now, ready for more.

By the way, being blessed with some of the greatest people as friends, I know my luck is changing for the best. :)

Dead n Gone

2009-06-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

When I took a step further...I realized I took two steps backwards...I progressed in pace I didn't know how to cope with. But they tell me this is life and this is how life progresses. I guess I am ready for it now :) ALL READY!!!!

The world is not a perfect place to be free...

2009-05-20T11:51:00.000-07:00

When the lights go off,
When Life goes on,
When I sit here alone
And you came along.

With you came the breeze,
Which touched you and me.
With you came the smile,
The smile I waited for all this while.

With you came that love
Came that look, came the touch.
I waited for you all this time
And now I know,you are all mine.

When the lights go off
And when life goes on
And I sit here with you,
I am no more alone. :-)

I still have a desire

2009-05-14T09:47:00.000-07:00

ιt dιsgusts мє to sєє thαt
ι αм stιll αlιvє.
ιt dιsgusts мє to sєє thαt
ι αм yєt to dιє.
мy hαиds, мy lєgs, мy ƒαсє, мy αямs,
мy ьlood, мy ьoиєs, мy hєαяt, ιts сhαям
αll sєєм to shout ιи vαιи, αs
Thєy αll wαиt to ƒєєl soмє ραιи
αиd so
ι hαvє α dєsιяє
To sєє мy owи ьody
ьuяи oи thє ƒuиєяαl ρyяє.

єvєяy ιисh ιиsιdє oƒ мє
Sєємs to sсяєαм αиd shout.
єvєяy ιисh ιиsιdє oƒ мє
Shouts out α lιttlє loud.
Thєy αll kиow thαt
ι wιll gιvє uρ too sooи.
Thєy αll gяow ιмραtιєиt
To мєєt thιs dooм.
αиd so
ι hαvє α dєsιяє
To sєє мy owи sєlƒ
ьuяи oи thє ƒuиєяαl ρyяє.

It disgusts me to see that
I am still alive.
It disgusts me to see that
I am yet to die.
My hands, my legs, my face, my arms,
My blood, my bones, my heart, its charm
All seem to shout in vain, as
They all want to feel some pain
And so
I have a desire
To see my own body
Burn on the funeral pyre.

Every inch inside of me
Seems to scream and shout.
Every inch inside of me
Shouts out a little loud.
They all know that
I will give up too soon.
They all grow impatient
To meet this doom.
And so
I have a desire
To see my own self
Burn on the funeral pyre.

Your song...

2009-05-06T11:22:00.000-07:00

เ รเ† ђэяэ †๏иเφђ†
ลร เ ωลเ† ƒ๏я †ђэ รµиℓเφђ†
เ รเ† ђэяэ †ђเикเиφ
ωเℓℓ เ э√эя ¢ล†¢ђ ý๏µ รเφђ†?
ωเℓℓ ý๏µ э√эя ¢๏мэ вล¢к †๏ мэ
๏я ωเℓℓ เ נµร† вэ ลℓяเφђ†?

I sit here tonight
As I wait for the sunlight
I sit here thinking
Will I ever catch your sight?
Will you ever come back to me
Or will I just be alright?

I've just seen a face

2009-05-06T08:51:00.001-07:00

I always want to write so much but then I fear the fact that others might just get to know about me a little too much. But then I guess its time I write some things. Well I recently this wonderful novel- I TOO HAD A LOVE STORY, which somehow made me feel good and also made me feel bad. There were things which reminded me a lot about myself and there were things which have not happened to me personally and yet I could feel them. Nonetheless it was worth all the effort, even though I completed reading it within a night. :-P
Then there are a hell lot of things going on in my life as well. Some are coming in and some are going away. Some will just stare and some will stay. I like the laziness I am surrounded with. I like the people around me (even though not many people are there) but it is good.
By the way I am a little upset as well and waiting for him. He was supposed to come this week but he hasn’t yet arrived. :-( That is so not accepted. But I will wait, wait for him.

And I don’t have much to say. So let’s hope the next time I sit to write I actually have something worth sharing with others. ;-) Till then let LIFE be the stupid tale which the idiot narrates and yet it signifies nothing. :-)

Baby just say yes

2009-05-06T02:13:00.000-07:00

Ðøи't kиøw whË®Ë tø §tÅ®t ƒ®øм ÅиÐ whË®Ë tø ËиÐ ît tøÐÅy?
Ðøи't kиøw høw ƒÅ® ø® høw løиg Å®Ë yøµ hË®Ë tø §tÅy?
î §ît hË®Ë wîth ©lø§ËÐ ËyË§ ÅиÐ î §ît hË®Ë tø ρ®Åy
ρ®Åy tø ©hË®î§h Åll thË мøмËиt§ wË §hÅ®ËÐ hË®Ë tøgthË®
î Åм hÅρρy thÅt yøµ Å®Ë hË®Ë tø §tÅy, иøw ÅиÐ ƒø®ËvË®
ÅиÐ î Åм §µ®Ë wË wîll мÅkË ît hÅρρËи...hÅρρËи §øмËÐÅy

Don't know where to start from and where to end today?
Don't know how far or how long are you here to stay?
I sit here with closed eyes and I sit here to pray
Pray to cherish all the moments we shared here togther
I am happy that you are here to stay,now and forever
And I am sure we will make it happen...happen someday

Right round....

2009-04-03T09:29:00.000-07:00

God knows what is wrong in here? It’s kind of difficult to see myself like this. Haven’t felt much since the day things changed from bad to worse. But then somehow I carried on, without stopping or stooping ever. Some smiled, and some laughed. Some helped and some loved, so many things happened all together and it seems like a lifetime but I realize it has only been three years. Three long years and now when I go back to the first day of college I can clearly remember the energy and vitality we all possessed. The small traces of innocence still in our smiles and that gleam of love in our eyes. A lot has been lost since then and a lot has been gained as well. What is lost is long gone and should not be taken into account. What matters now are the things we gained during these wonderful three years? Those special moments, those days when things would somehow turn out to be right and even those days when nothing seemed right. Those walk back from college, those early morning waiting for each other, the greeting and the sharing, the meals we had together, those lovely rooms where we sat together and enjoyed each of the lectures in our own ways, those pens which stopped working in the middle of some note, those pages which were filled by them, those books we all strived to read and finish as soon as possible, those assignments, those observations we were always asked to put forward, those bunking of classes either for a movie or even just for chilling with friends. Everything holds a really special position today. Today when I look back and see those thousand images flashing in front of my eyes I feel like am lost once again. Lost in the crowd where I don’t see those same smiles and there isn’t any safe hands to catch hold of me if I fall. How can I forget all these? How can I forget what this place has given to me? how can I forget that now I am stronger than before, I feel more now, I see through things more clearly now. I have gained a lot from this place and I hope I have been able to give a lot back as well in my own small efforts towards the institution.
Friends have been an integral part in this lovely journey and I respect each one of my friends and feel whether for good or for bad we all came together, saw the best and worst of each other and accepted only those who we felt were right for us. No problems with anyone and yes if we ever meet…I promise to be the same. the same crazy girl! Lets hope that we all do well in our respective fields and frankly speaking I guess, in fact I am sure I AM GONNA MISS YOU ALL!!!!!!!
Leaving might be a compulsion for each one of us but I guess we won’t leave each other so soon…stay in touch and most importantly STAY AHEAD AND STAY AWARE!!!

LOVE YOU ALL

Mwaaaaaaaaaaahhhhzzzzzz!!!!!!

~~~~~~Tripti

I will never forget...

2009-04-01T10:59:00.000-07:00

Did I ever expect that this can happen to me? I had denied this for so long but now I must admit that I will miss college a lot. Others will be surprised to listen to this as all they ever got to know from my college is that I HATE IT and today I agree that I will miss it bad. My friends, those benches, those classes, the blackboard, the chalk. Shit I don’t want to leave it all behind me. how can I forget those rooms where we had all those great moments? How can I forget that I met some of my very dear friends in this institution? How can I forget the best of days I spent here? How can I forget it? How can you even think that I will forget it?
Stupidly enough I have tears in my eyes while I type this all out but then I will miss college a lot. The early morning greetings, those gossips, those canteen addas, those meeting of friends, waiting for them till there class gets over…I will miss college a lot.

Love you all…seriously whether for good or for bad I am glad that I came here and got to know myself. May these moments stay with us forever and may each one of us do well in life.

Amen

When will I be able to sleep again???

2009-03-21T10:59:00.000-07:00

So many times I want to cry, but I just can’t. At times I wish tears would just roll out of my eyes and nothing could stop them. But then there it stands my image, me as the super strong female who can never be shaken. And by now even I feel that I emerge rock solid in most of the crisis situations I find myself in. And that helps me a lot getting to know something new and special about myself everyday.
Life is surely funny and lovely at the same time. At times I laugh and the very next moment… I love everything about my life. Every step as if is like a hurdle I seem to cross over and stand victorious on this mortal ground.

“PERCHANCE he for whom this bell tolls may be so ill, as that he
knows not it tolls for him; and perchance I may think myself so
much better than I am, as that they who are about me, and see my
state, may have caused it to toll for me, and I know not that.”
[John Donne]

Great things have I encountered lately. Great desire have cropped up in my heart about those days which are still to come. But somehow life is going on, somehow everything is just about fine and I am still alive. :-)

Holy Sonnet III: O Might Those Sighs And Tears Return Again

O might those sighs and tears return again
Into my breast and eyes, which I have spent,
That I might in this holy discontent
Mourn with some fruit, as I have mourned in vain;
In mine Idolatry what showers of rain
Mine eyes did waste! what griefs my heart did rent!
That sufferance was my sin; now I repent;
'Cause I did suffer I must suffer pain.
Th' hydropic drunkard, and night-scouting thief,
The itchy lecher, and self-tickling proud
Have the remembrance of past joys for relief
Of comming ills. To (poor) me is allowed
No ease; for long, yet vehement grief hath been
Th' effect and cause, the punishment and sin. >
[John Donne ]

Time has come for me to say my goodbyes. Soon my route will change, soon the turn will compel me to walk alone once again and yet I am supposed to pretend as if nothing ever happened and that life has been fun living out here with all of you. Though it has made me cry and laugh, I cherish all those moments which made me smile. :-)

IDIOT

Life... through me...!!!

Random ramblings....!!!

An Angel Face...

Yours forever... ME!!!

Pleasantries...

Dead Love

The story of a Hopeless Romantic

Never Again!!!

The irony of my life… :-)

OuR LoVE SToRy!!!

The unsaid emotions...

And I still can Dream!!!

A mistake I will try not to repeat again.

Rejoice... it is the Selfish Me!!!

Run-Away!!!

I believe its over... I hope not!!!

Khatam hai mera Desh!!!

If only...

My Prince Charming

MuShKiL Ho ChuKa hAi...

My Last Letter

Changed am I?

My Nature

YoU, mE AnD ThE sTrEET...

SaDuJ!!!

Deserve or not!!!

AnD thEy cALL iT FuN...

And I just can't get enough...

Changed a lot...

Poison...

KuCh iSs KaDAr

KuCh Bhi NaHi

GoNe ARe thE Days..

One of my days...

If OnLy....

The Champu

Em Fo TuO

2010

He...

The Ancient hunger of Post Modernity

Robot n Rajni as Chitti Rules [DOT]

Wisdom lost and found...

Cause it is all about Love...

F'day

Wednesday!!!

Do you see, what I see??!!!

I am so ugly... :)

Ha Ta Sa

My dreaming phase!!!

Who know's me the best???!!!

If...

Love me when I'm gone

No sweet escapes...

Love or curse???

If you ask me...

I can still feel it...

**Missing you**

Full of me!!!

Only a wish to Love u the best!!!

***I see you***

We belong together

Free bird!!!

Dear ones!!!

My homage to Sorrow.

The girl who came here to stay...

What a lovely moment...

Can't get enough

Jaane tu mera kya hai???

I'm dreaming...

:|

MISSING MY FRIEND...

I'm the new change...

The day that never comes...

My Friend....

Faith by Faith

Nostalgia....

Dead n Gone

The world is not a perfect place to be free...

I still have a desire

Missing you

I see you