21st April’12
Another train journey all alone, but this time I seriously
am not much sure about the destination. Quite frankly I won’t remember much
about this journey…
The last time I was traveling alone like this was when I was
returning back from Pune. That was quite a difficult time I had, having to say
goodbye. I knew not what to do. Anyways what’s past is gone forever; all I have
left is those wonderful memories which always seem to bring tears in my eyes. Sometimes
I wish I had someone who could look right through me and sometimes I wish I was
always this alone. Well to contemplate, actually I am all alone with myself, traveling
to a place where I have never been to. And frankly this isolation and this
desolation is not bothering me much because for a change I get to be quiet, all
with my own self, not pretending to smile, to crack stupid jokes, to make
others feel happy. I am what and where I am supposed to be. If this is where I should
be, I am glad and happy about it. Life is freaking unpredictable and when it is
throwing lemons at me; I try my best to make lemonade, no matter how bitter or
sweet, out of it. What a cliché? Anyways it has been quite sometime since I wrote
anything down (I am just typing out the words I had written during my visit to Nasik and Mumbai). And
frankly I do not like my handwriting much because of being out of practice. I remember
back in school and college days how obsessed I was with my handwriting. Now I am
losing it. I guess I should be writing more than just typing. Even though my
typing speed is good, my handwriting is losing its charm. Yesterday I was
thinking what it would be like to be back at home and especially to be back to
office. But I shouldn’t use this time thinking about all what irritates me and
makes me all the more weird. What I need right now is a distraction. Perhaps a
book should serve the purpose. So I guess I should be back to my old love for Jeffrey
Archer and start reading the book I had bought such a long time ago. By the way
the train journey has been fairly well as of yet, let’s see what the rest of
the journey has in store for me. Till then adieus amigos!
Later that evening…
Just got off the phone with Anu. Another survey, another one
in the bottom. As it is life is punishing me badly, I don’t really know what is
expected of me. I know Mom and Dad have so many expectations from me and I am
trying my best to fulfill those, but with all these set backs I really don’t
know for how long I will be able to carry on. And the worst bit I can’t really
share what I have in mind. My friends say give others a chance, who knows I might
actually find someone who is all worth it. But then every time I give someone a
chance, it seems like I open up a new avenue to disappoint myself. It is tough
moving on when you realize you are all alone in this. No doubts I am trying my
best to put up my brave face in front of everyone. No doubts I try to smile and
joke with everyone every now and then. But it turns out that actually I am not
worth anything. What is the use of all this love, truth, understanding,
friendship, being nice to others, never being wicked to others, because at the
end of the day I am the one who is hurt bad. Battered and bruised, somehow I still
manage to smile, and even I don’t know how I manage to do that. I seriously don’t
know what will be the end of this journey, but I do know one thing for sure, by
the time I reach the end, nothing would matter anymore. Somehow I wish I am met
with an accident or better yet if I could die. That would be such an easy
escape from such a miserable life. But then I don’t really have many
complaints, because life has awarded me with so many good things every now and
then. So what if it had stopped doing that now? Does that mean I too should
stop living? But then I have no reason to live and enjoy my life. For a change I
want to live for myself. And frankly I don’t think it will ever be possible.
23rd April’12
Had a good and peaceful time in Shirdi. Well, frankly
speaking I don’t remember much of it. So many of my questions have gone
unanswered and so many things need a change. Was just contemplating about what
has gone by in the past few months and seems like I have not retained much in
my memory. Some of the things which we had planned together did happen in my
life, just that he was not there and seriously I did miss him. Somehow I miss
him in every breath I take. It is really difficult living a life which seems
like impossible. Others might think I am happy and all, but only I and only I know
what is inside my mind. So many friends around, so many family members to take
care of me, but somehow it seems like I am the loneliest of all. I guess it was
always meant to happen like this. No matter how much I pray to God each day, at
the end of it, I will get what I truly deserve. Life is crazy at present,
screwed up in office, friends not bothered and I desperately try to hang on to
someone, anyone somehow. I know I have never been like this, but life has never
been this crazy before. Just waiting for an end to all this. I don’t know how
all of it is going to come to an end; I just want it to be over and done with.
25th April’12
Yes, I have wasted 9,000 bucks on a flight back home. When will
I learn from my mistakes? When I should be supporting Mom and Dad, I am the one
who is contributing to the lavish expenditures each month. Anyways stay at
Mumbai was bearable. I have realized that no matter which state one is in, as
long as one is happy, it doesn’t really matters. By the way the purpose of
writing today is the fact that I seriously am feeling left out and alone. I need
a person in life who can love me and care for me. I too wish there was someone
to look after me, to click my pictures for a change, to look at me and to love
me the way I am. But I guess I am not destined for all these things. I am
looking for a positive change in life, but whatever is happening seems to pull
me down two steps backwards. I know I am not a beauty queen, and I obviously
don’t want such a treatment in life, but what I want is something positive,
motivating to keep me going on with a smile on my face. And somehow the
possibility of it seems to be going down the ditches by the day. Ever since we
were planning for this trip, I had no clue as to what I was looking for. I had
so many questions in my mind which mostly went unanswered. But as of now I have
realized what exactly I am looking for, it is true companionship, someone I can
be myself with, someone I can trust inside out and sadly enough I know that
there never was such a someone meant for me. No matter how much I miss his
presence in my life, no matter how much I crib or cry; at the end of the day I know
I will have to face the world all alone. Seriously I wish I could run away from
life and be all alone, on my own, but that too is never meant to happen to me. I
wish, pray and cry, that this phase of life comes to an end as soon as
possible. I believe I too should be getting married but then I myself don’t know
if there also is a better half meant to be for me, someone who can take care of
me and to love me inside out. Bhagwanji if at all you are listening to me,
please send a Super Man or a Super Hero for me. For a change I guess I do
deserve someone who can take care of me and love me. Bhagwanji please grant
this small wish of mine. Life actually will become a lot easier to live if a
life partner is caring, understanding and loving.
Lastly, Bhagwanji, Thank You for giving me the opportunity
to express myself. Love You always.
And that is all from the memoirs of a not-so-adventurous
traveler.
