Have so much to write and so much to share. Feels so weird that someone like me ends up writing so much. Anyways. My Guardian Angel is smiling these days and I smile along with him. Love him for everything. The roads can never ever be clean and with people adding to it all the more it seems like a pool of dirt and mud. Was somehow in a very good mood today and kept on dancing all the way to college. ;-)
Classes were good. God was awesome and didn’t quite kept us waiting but then there were those seconds and minutes which passed away just like that and my stupid watch and others’ watches as well just couldn’t stop. I hate that bit a lot. Then had nothing much to do except that I made people bunk their classes and then was in college for a long time. Then these people, my friends, my junis join me in and we freak out a lot and have a hell lot of fun together when the entire college stares at us and we all give a damn. Had a proper photo session except that everything else was improper. The rains, or rather the drizzle was so soothing and we all loved it. I freaked out after a long time and got to be myself again. Maybe I am coming back and back for good.
I was telling the others today about the day when God and I were about to collide with each other but my luck prevented all of it and how I regret not colliding with God. If only…
I wanted to type so much and had thought this would have been the longest post ever but no more.
!@#%$%^%^#@!^(&()()*$%@#!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Kahin toh...
So finally I am trying my best to get myself back in action. Jim says I shouldn’t waste my time looking pale and gloomy and I guess he is right. So I am trying my best to smile as much as I can. The Guardian Angel is coming back and may he lives forever and ever. And may he get well as soon as possible. And the first She is really tensed and I know she is going through a real bad phase but I really can’t do anything about it and most of the times I seem to make contributions towards making her go insane. I too have messed up everything around me but I don’t know what else to do.
Hey the beads work and now I have self-control and I don’t need to talk a lot with people and I can control everything so well and somehow no matter how things are going I am happy and content. Whatever that was it is weird that I have somehow stopped myself from doing a hell lot of things.
For the past two days I stare at the Nature Boy and I don’t know why or what but man his height is too good. And as for the TP he keeps on saying things which I know not whether to listen to or to forget about? Confusing he is and he confuses me all the more. Keeps on telling about his self but never asks me anything and then complains that I don’t share anything with him. For that one needs to spent time together, and I cannot just share anything and everything with anyone and moreover the beads work and I am now avoiding talking to anyone at all. Great isn’t it? Whatever is going on I don’t know how things will ever work out. And Shilly-Shally seems so busy that can never even says hi instead his friends are far better who at least look and bother to smile or wave a hand. Attitude matters a lot to him perhaps but it’s a big turn off at times. Anyways Nature Boy and TP and Rats and Meow are all entertaining me a lot so I don’t care that much.
There are threats of blasts in the city and who knows what will happen next? But it is irritating just to sit and wait for death. I can’t do that, rather let my loved ones be safe and secure while I go out and hunt for more. What say?
Listening to music and have to go now as life is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing……Shakespeare. Great man.
Hey the beads work and now I have self-control and I don’t need to talk a lot with people and I can control everything so well and somehow no matter how things are going I am happy and content. Whatever that was it is weird that I have somehow stopped myself from doing a hell lot of things.
For the past two days I stare at the Nature Boy and I don’t know why or what but man his height is too good. And as for the TP he keeps on saying things which I know not whether to listen to or to forget about? Confusing he is and he confuses me all the more. Keeps on telling about his self but never asks me anything and then complains that I don’t share anything with him. For that one needs to spent time together, and I cannot just share anything and everything with anyone and moreover the beads work and I am now avoiding talking to anyone at all. Great isn’t it? Whatever is going on I don’t know how things will ever work out. And Shilly-Shally seems so busy that can never even says hi instead his friends are far better who at least look and bother to smile or wave a hand. Attitude matters a lot to him perhaps but it’s a big turn off at times. Anyways Nature Boy and TP and Rats and Meow are all entertaining me a lot so I don’t care that much.
There are threats of blasts in the city and who knows what will happen next? But it is irritating just to sit and wait for death. I can’t do that, rather let my loved ones be safe and secure while I go out and hunt for more. What say?
Listening to music and have to go now as life is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing……Shakespeare. Great man.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
@#$$#@@#$$#@
Silence seems so impractical at times. But then one must get used to it since words seem so futile and hold no importance for the mortals anymore. I love to dance around but these days life seems too difficult and pretentious at the same time that without my Guardian Angel I seem so weak. The bees around me do buzz but only when there is an absolute necessity and mostly for their own purposes. Even I am so selfish that I cannot stand my bees not buzzing onto me and switching off entirely when I need them the most. I know that not all the bees are the same neither would I like to pass my judgments onto them as I love them all and this is for true. But their silence kills me inside and I know not how to make them all buzz to me, to look at me and maybe smile, if not them at least flip their wings for once so that I know that they are there with me. But then maybe I expect a lot out of them all. I should not forget the fact that the bees have a life of their own and if they are inactive towards me then they might just be active for some one else. So I should be content to know the fact that they will at least be responding to some one and be happy with that very someone. I know I am no chief of theirs to be always responded back to everyday but it would have just been nice. There again go my selfish motives when I want the bees just to satisfy my need of someone. But there have been numerous numbers of times when I have entirely given up on myself just to be with the bees for which I have been shouted and yelled at but then I love my bees a lot. I realize the fact that life definitely would have been far better had I had my own ways but that would not had been real. Though things are a lot different now and the only thing which is static these days is change. Indeed Jimmy Porter was surrounded by his bees that did love him and use him but then just to kill him with their silences.
Stupidest lines I might have ever written but then I mean what I mostly write. By the way the promise to crown me the Princess continues and the claim that soon I might just be the Queen seems endless. I don’t really know whether any of it will ever come true but then life has not stopped for anyone of us and everyone has a role to play in the big game where there cannot be any blame for anyone. Some things in life need no justification and so we try and move on with whatever less or more we have. The rhythms of life continue to play whether it is the songs by Hemmish or by Kishore Da it will never stop playing its tunes.
And what more I, out of all, was thinking of writing a story. Had the God listened to my secret wish He would have been, “whoa man”. Hehehe. it’s not an easy job to write a story and interweave emotions into it but then it was just a thought and maybe some day I will write such stories which I would be able to share with the people in general (most of my stories are way to personal). As for the Attractive Young Woman, I guess I should stop interfering with her life and give her space enough to grow stronger by the day. My intentions might always be good but how can I not look at my actions which preceded my intentions and which could have actually hurt the Young Woman. So I try and stay aloof from too many people at the same time. I know Jim says that I have badly complicated my own life and now I realize it that one shouldn’t be so good to everyone as others start to take me for granted and I hate being treated like a piece of nothing.
Everyone pretends to be good and nice when I know nothing is at all going right. She won’t say anything about her dance school nor would he ever say that he’s high on fire. The other she will continue to be the old frustrated herself which actually she is not but then other she is definitely frustrated. As for the last of the she’s, she cannot say a word to anyone as people misinterpret her but then she herself is stupid enough not to realize her age-old mistakes and continues to carry on with them.
College is full of fun and masti these days. It is the old election time and the same old politics stuff which is back in action. But who am I to blame others to play politics just to come to power. Some how it is all justified. And as for the other things in college, soon our early offs will no more be on and I don’t want to even think about it but then it is all inevitable. Boo hoo. :-(
Too much said and done now my fingers pain as I cannot type any of the nonsense anymore.
Stupidest lines I might have ever written but then I mean what I mostly write. By the way the promise to crown me the Princess continues and the claim that soon I might just be the Queen seems endless. I don’t really know whether any of it will ever come true but then life has not stopped for anyone of us and everyone has a role to play in the big game where there cannot be any blame for anyone. Some things in life need no justification and so we try and move on with whatever less or more we have. The rhythms of life continue to play whether it is the songs by Hemmish or by Kishore Da it will never stop playing its tunes.
And what more I, out of all, was thinking of writing a story. Had the God listened to my secret wish He would have been, “whoa man”. Hehehe. it’s not an easy job to write a story and interweave emotions into it but then it was just a thought and maybe some day I will write such stories which I would be able to share with the people in general (most of my stories are way to personal). As for the Attractive Young Woman, I guess I should stop interfering with her life and give her space enough to grow stronger by the day. My intentions might always be good but how can I not look at my actions which preceded my intentions and which could have actually hurt the Young Woman. So I try and stay aloof from too many people at the same time. I know Jim says that I have badly complicated my own life and now I realize it that one shouldn’t be so good to everyone as others start to take me for granted and I hate being treated like a piece of nothing.
Everyone pretends to be good and nice when I know nothing is at all going right. She won’t say anything about her dance school nor would he ever say that he’s high on fire. The other she will continue to be the old frustrated herself which actually she is not but then other she is definitely frustrated. As for the last of the she’s, she cannot say a word to anyone as people misinterpret her but then she herself is stupid enough not to realize her age-old mistakes and continues to carry on with them.
College is full of fun and masti these days. It is the old election time and the same old politics stuff which is back in action. But who am I to blame others to play politics just to come to power. Some how it is all justified. And as for the other things in college, soon our early offs will no more be on and I don’t want to even think about it but then it is all inevitable. Boo hoo. :-(
Too much said and done now my fingers pain as I cannot type any of the nonsense anymore.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Dated: 22nd July’o8
The silence between people can kill at times. One thinks the other would appreciate the silence more than what words could ever express but little realizing the fact that the other is talkative and appreciates words more than what silence could have conveyed. And that is where the problem arises where one thinks that the latter would be fine while the other sulks unaware of the fact that silence too can convey one’s feelings. Life is stranger than fiction but more lovely and precious.
And stupid hopes keep on coming back when you so want to do away with them. Because of some drug you get so addicted to saying rubbish that you don’t realize what exactly is wrong with you. These days I am excessively depressed and I cannot simply take it anymore. Life has so many things to show and so many things still go unexplored but still I hope to enjoy it all to the best and till the end.
My message inbox is full…a miracle it seems but at times I too get lucky you see. But people can change color so easily and my thoughts are too random I guess and slowly my eyes close as I haven’t exactly slept for a long time now and these stupid nightmares which some time back people used to have because of me, now I am haunted by them it seems. But then someday everything will just be fine but don’t ask me how.
And stupid hopes keep on coming back when you so want to do away with them. Because of some drug you get so addicted to saying rubbish that you don’t realize what exactly is wrong with you. These days I am excessively depressed and I cannot simply take it anymore. Life has so many things to show and so many things still go unexplored but still I hope to enjoy it all to the best and till the end.
My message inbox is full…a miracle it seems but at times I too get lucky you see. But people can change color so easily and my thoughts are too random I guess and slowly my eyes close as I haven’t exactly slept for a long time now and these stupid nightmares which some time back people used to have because of me, now I am haunted by them it seems. But then someday everything will just be fine but don’t ask me how.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Some more thoughts
I don’t exactly know how well to face all this? I just can’t seem to face the reality and accept the fucking facts which life offers every time like a slap on my face. Wish life wouldn’t have allowed me to perceive so much. Strange but so true and I can’t seem to face all of it right now and I haven’t felt like this ever and now more than ever seem the right time to enjoy the coldness which life’s enemy has to offer. And what’s worse, life was so easy before and now everything seems to conspire against me and I still have the guts to face life though inwardly I know I will give up pretty soon. Shit.
Today Nature Boy was present and so got to see him but now he isn’t that attractive anymore. And Shilly-Shally looks better than what I had supposed him to be. Today he did turn back but because of my stupid cold I couldn’t talk with him and all through the day I didn’t get to see him at all. Though Nature Boy did make up for all of it. ;-) And then there was a D n J dude whose eyes were not at all visible and we had a good laugh at him and suddenly I was reminded that maybe others laugh at us too. But then moving on…
Had a bad sneezing spell and today the witch was talking to me, which I didn’t enjoy at all. The classes got on to my nerves today and I felt actually like “jumping out of the window.” But the best part was the morning when Rats and Meow were together and others were staring at them when both of them were having a good time together. ;-)
Some thoughts do obviously scare me a lot and I try to avoid them but can never do so. You say you love me but how do I know that love for you is no game when you are so very good at lying and playing games with hearts and I have seen that a hell lot of times? Why should I trust you when you say you will make me a princess when I know that the others won’t allow you to and you would abide by what they have to say and not me? So what should I do and where do I go?
The papers say blogging is a good stress-buster but hell it reminds me of all the things I would not have thought of. I can’t type any more of it and end with a small poem which I was looking for Hugh Jackman, but since I don’t exactly know the guy in person nor does he knows about me so the lines go out for all those people out there for whom I can die and live my life a thousand times.
“If I go away
What would still remain of me?
The ghost within your eyes?
The whisper in your sighs?
You see...Believe
And I'm always there.”
~ by Jon Oliva ~
Today Nature Boy was present and so got to see him but now he isn’t that attractive anymore. And Shilly-Shally looks better than what I had supposed him to be. Today he did turn back but because of my stupid cold I couldn’t talk with him and all through the day I didn’t get to see him at all. Though Nature Boy did make up for all of it. ;-) And then there was a D n J dude whose eyes were not at all visible and we had a good laugh at him and suddenly I was reminded that maybe others laugh at us too. But then moving on…
Had a bad sneezing spell and today the witch was talking to me, which I didn’t enjoy at all. The classes got on to my nerves today and I felt actually like “jumping out of the window.” But the best part was the morning when Rats and Meow were together and others were staring at them when both of them were having a good time together. ;-)
Some thoughts do obviously scare me a lot and I try to avoid them but can never do so. You say you love me but how do I know that love for you is no game when you are so very good at lying and playing games with hearts and I have seen that a hell lot of times? Why should I trust you when you say you will make me a princess when I know that the others won’t allow you to and you would abide by what they have to say and not me? So what should I do and where do I go?
The papers say blogging is a good stress-buster but hell it reminds me of all the things I would not have thought of. I can’t type any more of it and end with a small poem which I was looking for Hugh Jackman, but since I don’t exactly know the guy in person nor does he knows about me so the lines go out for all those people out there for whom I can die and live my life a thousand times.
“If I go away
What would still remain of me?
The ghost within your eyes?
The whisper in your sighs?
You see...Believe
And I'm always there.”
~ by Jon Oliva ~
Sunday, July 20, 2008
A DAY
So after all the stupid things a day comes when you think everything will go well. But how is that supposed to happen when you couldn’t sleep through the night and those nightmares kept you awake. And those pains I took to just look my usual self did pay off well. Anyways, as usual I was in two-minds but decided to get my lazy bum up and join in and it was a great day for me. Princess and prince did surround me but I tried not to think much about any of it so I was my usual self, hopefully. Anyways, it was a great day and the break was welcome though now I fear that I missed out on a lot of things.
Went to meet my old school buddy and had a great time with her as well. Then an accidental meeting with someone changed my mood from good to better. Not much to say so let all this be like a sweet memory forever in the heart of hearts.
Went to meet my old school buddy and had a great time with her as well. Then an accidental meeting with someone changed my mood from good to better. Not much to say so let all this be like a sweet memory forever in the heart of hearts.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Just a Thought
So as always I am back to being my stupid self and that is something I hate the most about me. Can’t for once things be as I want them to be? Can’t I ever be selfish and shout at others when I don’t get my way? Why the hell do I have to think so much before I do anything, anything as in I think a lot even before I buy a toothpick or I say something to someone? Had I been an animal, like a cat or a dog I could have been dead by now, some truck would have smashed me and the municipality would have dumped me in the garbage. I guess that would have been far better than what I am going through right now. And the biggest problem of all, I can’t say anything to anyone and still I am writing all of this in the blog?
Whatever. Let’s talk about something better. Better as in what, I don’t even know that. I don’t know what else to actually talk about. Though the song I am listening to right now-"Join me in Death" by H.I.M is pretty good and I am going mad. But even madness is so powerful and gives one so much of energy to do things which otherwise I wouldn’t have dared to do. Akon’s song, "The Sweetest Girl", is also nice though have not heard much of the lyrics but is nice. But Sean Kingston’s “I will take you there” is a perfect song man. Great lyrics and makes me wish that I was there with Sean and the song is like a sweet escape except that as soon as it ends one is hurled back to reality. Songs can very well cheer me up and music is something I really appreciate a lot and the people who give up their life just to leave us all with sweet sounds is just to wonderful and believe me those were some lives worth living for. I myself am a super bad singer nor am I a musician but I guess that I can understand music well and that is what helps me in appreciating the efforts of all.
What the hell did I just type out? I have no idea. Whatever it was, all is said and done and let it be as I delight in wasting other people’s time and people actually have time in reading my crap. People seem to be so nice to me to go through the pain of reading actually nothing. What a great writer, opps… Typist I am.
So once again I am back to my nonsense. Haven’t seen the Nature Boy and that idiot left early and tomorrow is my holiday so would hopefully get to see him on Monday though it hardly matters that much cause after all it is nothing and sooner or later things would change. Ohho the pessimist in me takes a leap again. But who exactly cares? So it is proven I have multiple personalities. Who doesn’t? But I am not at all concerned about anyone except ME. My gosh! I have so many chain of thoughts going on in my mind. As I type all of it out I am thinking whether I should have my dinner or should I skip it a usual? Should I start reading "Lord Jim" or keep it for tomorrow? Then I am chatting with three of my friends and one among them has already gone for dinner, another one is busy talking to his girl friend and the third one thankfully replying to my queries but at the same time obstructing my chain of wonderful thoughts as I try to recollect and type them out. But then everything is fair.
And by the way the witch seems to have cast a spell on all and even the Master of the House seems to have allowed her to pass through the doors of happiness, beauty and absolute bliss which the little girl seems to have banged for ages now. But she isn’t ready to give up as she believes that some fine day luck will be on her side and she will get what she has long deserved from life. But somehow all the effort seems futile since the girl is tired and worn out and needs someone to encourage her. She hopes that for once when she turns around she will be escorted to a new world where there will be happiness which lasts forever and ever. Though she realizes the fact life isn’t all about happiness, it needs barriers too to help us move forward.
Strange thoughts came up and the longest crap I have ever written. Don’t blame me for anything at all…it is just my thoughts.
Whatever. Let’s talk about something better. Better as in what, I don’t even know that. I don’t know what else to actually talk about. Though the song I am listening to right now-"Join me in Death" by H.I.M is pretty good and I am going mad. But even madness is so powerful and gives one so much of energy to do things which otherwise I wouldn’t have dared to do. Akon’s song, "The Sweetest Girl", is also nice though have not heard much of the lyrics but is nice. But Sean Kingston’s “I will take you there” is a perfect song man. Great lyrics and makes me wish that I was there with Sean and the song is like a sweet escape except that as soon as it ends one is hurled back to reality. Songs can very well cheer me up and music is something I really appreciate a lot and the people who give up their life just to leave us all with sweet sounds is just to wonderful and believe me those were some lives worth living for. I myself am a super bad singer nor am I a musician but I guess that I can understand music well and that is what helps me in appreciating the efforts of all.
What the hell did I just type out? I have no idea. Whatever it was, all is said and done and let it be as I delight in wasting other people’s time and people actually have time in reading my crap. People seem to be so nice to me to go through the pain of reading actually nothing. What a great writer, opps… Typist I am.
So once again I am back to my nonsense. Haven’t seen the Nature Boy and that idiot left early and tomorrow is my holiday so would hopefully get to see him on Monday though it hardly matters that much cause after all it is nothing and sooner or later things would change. Ohho the pessimist in me takes a leap again. But who exactly cares? So it is proven I have multiple personalities. Who doesn’t? But I am not at all concerned about anyone except ME. My gosh! I have so many chain of thoughts going on in my mind. As I type all of it out I am thinking whether I should have my dinner or should I skip it a usual? Should I start reading "Lord Jim" or keep it for tomorrow? Then I am chatting with three of my friends and one among them has already gone for dinner, another one is busy talking to his girl friend and the third one thankfully replying to my queries but at the same time obstructing my chain of wonderful thoughts as I try to recollect and type them out. But then everything is fair.
And by the way the witch seems to have cast a spell on all and even the Master of the House seems to have allowed her to pass through the doors of happiness, beauty and absolute bliss which the little girl seems to have banged for ages now. But she isn’t ready to give up as she believes that some fine day luck will be on her side and she will get what she has long deserved from life. But somehow all the effort seems futile since the girl is tired and worn out and needs someone to encourage her. She hopes that for once when she turns around she will be escorted to a new world where there will be happiness which lasts forever and ever. Though she realizes the fact life isn’t all about happiness, it needs barriers too to help us move forward.
Strange thoughts came up and the longest crap I have ever written. Don’t blame me for anything at all…it is just my thoughts.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Life: full of twists and turns...
So again a big bigger biggest embarrassing situation I created for my own self. But its fun you know, and moreover college life is all about passes, misses and chances and one should not miss out on any of it.
Anyways I, along with my friends was meeting the juniors for some work when a very good friend and buddy of mine message me. Being inside the class where one isn’t supposed to be using a cell I tried reading the message in a hurry and guess what happened? What else, apna pappu bana liya maine! :-)
What I got of the message in a hurry was that some tall looking guy is standing in the corridor and I must check the guy out. So I run out of the class to look for the supposed tall guy in the corridor. And interestingly enough I was so excited without any apparent reason that I run about and jump around in the first floor. Maybe because there aren’t enough tall guys in our college and height is a very important criterion for me [should not get into this discussion at all], so I was really really excited to somehow see the guy. Unfortunately the corridor was empty and there wasn’t a single soul lingering about in there. So I furiously turn around, abusing my friend definitely, and I see Nature Boy standing right in front of her class and staring at me. Obviously the way I acted anyone would have stared back at me like that. Little embarrassed me ran to my friend’s class to know what exactly she meant by that stupid sms and then she shouts out, pretty loud in class, that your Nature Boy is standing outside. And to add to my embarrassment my junis too were staring at me maybe thinking this girl is mad. ;-) As for my friends, they were wondering where she vanished in the thin air. I was definitely embarrassed cause that stupid Nature Boy would think all blah blah blah about me when there isn’t anything at all except that he has a great height and man, he is mighty tall. For the other stupid friends of mine they think I have surely fallen for the guy when I haven’t and had it not been for the message I wouldn’t have ran about in the corridors like that. Whatever it was fun and on the advice of my dearest friend I am posting this out though there isn’t much to be said and done about it. But as she rightly said that I will have something more to think about the Nature Boy except his height. ;-)
And what a stupid and sadly depressing day it was for me. Shit yaar. Never ever have I struggled so much with my feelings and now seems more than a right time to give everything up and go to Himalayas and maybe become some kind of a hermit. Maybe only that can bring salvation for me because nothing else seems to work in my favor. And I am mighty strong so till the tide is over I have to hang on to this thin rope of hope that someday somehow everything will be the way I want it to be. Thanks to Mom and Dad for being so supportive when I knew they deserve a hell lot out of me and I just can’t seem to do anything right. Thanks to everyone for I don’t feel miserable now, even though it sucks. Anyways…whether I give a damn or not is none of others concern. :-)
Anyways I, along with my friends was meeting the juniors for some work when a very good friend and buddy of mine message me. Being inside the class where one isn’t supposed to be using a cell I tried reading the message in a hurry and guess what happened? What else, apna pappu bana liya maine! :-)
What I got of the message in a hurry was that some tall looking guy is standing in the corridor and I must check the guy out. So I run out of the class to look for the supposed tall guy in the corridor. And interestingly enough I was so excited without any apparent reason that I run about and jump around in the first floor. Maybe because there aren’t enough tall guys in our college and height is a very important criterion for me [should not get into this discussion at all], so I was really really excited to somehow see the guy. Unfortunately the corridor was empty and there wasn’t a single soul lingering about in there. So I furiously turn around, abusing my friend definitely, and I see Nature Boy standing right in front of her class and staring at me. Obviously the way I acted anyone would have stared back at me like that. Little embarrassed me ran to my friend’s class to know what exactly she meant by that stupid sms and then she shouts out, pretty loud in class, that your Nature Boy is standing outside. And to add to my embarrassment my junis too were staring at me maybe thinking this girl is mad. ;-) As for my friends, they were wondering where she vanished in the thin air. I was definitely embarrassed cause that stupid Nature Boy would think all blah blah blah about me when there isn’t anything at all except that he has a great height and man, he is mighty tall. For the other stupid friends of mine they think I have surely fallen for the guy when I haven’t and had it not been for the message I wouldn’t have ran about in the corridors like that. Whatever it was fun and on the advice of my dearest friend I am posting this out though there isn’t much to be said and done about it. But as she rightly said that I will have something more to think about the Nature Boy except his height. ;-)
And what a stupid and sadly depressing day it was for me. Shit yaar. Never ever have I struggled so much with my feelings and now seems more than a right time to give everything up and go to Himalayas and maybe become some kind of a hermit. Maybe only that can bring salvation for me because nothing else seems to work in my favor. And I am mighty strong so till the tide is over I have to hang on to this thin rope of hope that someday somehow everything will be the way I want it to be. Thanks to Mom and Dad for being so supportive when I knew they deserve a hell lot out of me and I just can’t seem to do anything right. Thanks to everyone for I don’t feel miserable now, even though it sucks. Anyways…whether I give a damn or not is none of others concern. :-)
Monday, July 14, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Yet not realize me...
Why the hell do I end up like this? Why can’t I just accept the damn fact and move on? Why the hell am I like this?
Whatever, No matter if I am a doll or sweetie or dum dum or cuchie poo or bubalaboo or princess I am still the old crazy freak whatever. At times I end up with such strange thoughts and that too because of a bunch of self-obsessed hypocritical, stupid narcissists? But still, if there is a thought in my mind I must express it.
So as I saying I end up with such weirdest thoughts that people can very well call me a jerk but who cares? Not me. Why can’t for once people ask are you doing fine? Why can’t they look up to you and just smile? Why cant life be so sweet and yet so beautiful? Am I supposed to play the role of the agony aunt always? Why cant for once people [as in my friends definitely] ask me about myself and my life? But let them think whatever they want to. I am happy as always to be something I never was before. I can never really be like them I guess and in the process stand as rejected and lonely and maybe overlooked and as most of the times taken for granted. But stupid me would never ever learn from my mistakes and repeat them time and again. Strange that such a sensible girl like me ends up being so very full of nonsense that anyone can say anything on her face and all she can do is accept it as reality. Bloody shit. I so badly wish to… can never ever express myself. So why bother. Even the attempt is so useless and worthless. But what the hell finally I am writing all the crap that was stored up in my mind.
At times your friends don’t mean to hurt you but they end up saying things which prick you so badly that you can do nothing about it nor can you tell the person about it. Even when one starts to think too much about others, complications in life begin to creep in and start to kill you from the inside even though you look so damn strong and smart. So many things happen simultaneously inside your stupid head that you can’t really decide what to do and what not to do? You can’t deny the importance and presence of your friends and then you can’t hurt yourself as well. Strange situation but so very complicated at the same time. You think they know you the best and won’t pass their judgments onto you but they do it cause its human nature to do so. And maybe even some time you too had tried to do the same with them. But who knows who’s wrong or right since everyone has feelings and everyone has to live their lives.
What the hell? What did I just type out? I am absolutely clueless. But its fun to write crap and enjoy it at the same time.
So here I stand to entertain you all
And you witness my rise and fall
I smile and I laugh out loud
And you call for me in the crowd
Just to stand by you to tell you
That you are the best thing of all.
The lights that shine bright above me
The eyes which always stay behind me
The cheer and smiles which I cause
The people who never choose to doze off
All and everything seem to embrace
My life and yet not realize me.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Rock on!!!!
So finally something good happens to me when I absolutely decide to give every damn thing up and live a simple and booooooooooooring life. When I have no clue about where I will go and with whom I will hang on, he comes back with a bang to go away sooner than the cold breeze was blowing today. Whatever, the moment matters a lot and that is what should be counted for rather than the frowns I had all the evening long. Totally unexpected but so damn pleasant.
So all changed since we last met, has to be. After all it seems ages ago but the memories seemed so fresh as if everything had happened just yesterday. The songs, the steps, the sweetness, the food, the trip, the chats, the tears, the dance floor, everything was just perfect. But then the inevitable end to all good memories comes in the inevitable separation of all. Well nothing much we all will get busy with our respective lives and then who has time for anyone else except our own fucking self? Yes or no? Should I stop wishing him for his birthday or should I keep on doing that? Should I remind him that I made useless efforts to keep on reminding him of my existence? But then that wouldn’t be fair cause I know he doesn’t even realizes a bit of the situation and let him enjoy his life, why create complications for anyone at all? Moreover there are the sweet memories I can always look back to and remember how well we both mixed and how people said crap about us and how we both shed those tears. I guess no one knew about it even though there were so very many people around us. even today somehow things were not the same as were earlier but we didn’t had to start anything over again and that is what makes this relationship all the more special for me. Even though soon you will be gone, you will remain right here in my memories forever and ever as long as I live and as long as I can feel. It was a hell of a joy ride with you my buddy and even though nothing of it remains to look forward to in the future I guess I still will cherish all those sweetest moments. And guess what we never ever fought… awesome record, I say.
Whatever. Maybe it’s finally time for me to stop day-dreaming and go off to sleep and back to my awfully stupid dreams.
Caught you! Again reading the crap I just typed out? If you don’t like it and feel irritated why bother????????
So all changed since we last met, has to be. After all it seems ages ago but the memories seemed so fresh as if everything had happened just yesterday. The songs, the steps, the sweetness, the food, the trip, the chats, the tears, the dance floor, everything was just perfect. But then the inevitable end to all good memories comes in the inevitable separation of all. Well nothing much we all will get busy with our respective lives and then who has time for anyone else except our own fucking self? Yes or no? Should I stop wishing him for his birthday or should I keep on doing that? Should I remind him that I made useless efforts to keep on reminding him of my existence? But then that wouldn’t be fair cause I know he doesn’t even realizes a bit of the situation and let him enjoy his life, why create complications for anyone at all? Moreover there are the sweet memories I can always look back to and remember how well we both mixed and how people said crap about us and how we both shed those tears. I guess no one knew about it even though there were so very many people around us. even today somehow things were not the same as were earlier but we didn’t had to start anything over again and that is what makes this relationship all the more special for me. Even though soon you will be gone, you will remain right here in my memories forever and ever as long as I live and as long as I can feel. It was a hell of a joy ride with you my buddy and even though nothing of it remains to look forward to in the future I guess I still will cherish all those sweetest moments. And guess what we never ever fought… awesome record, I say.
Whatever. Maybe it’s finally time for me to stop day-dreaming and go off to sleep and back to my awfully stupid dreams.
Caught you! Again reading the crap I just typed out? If you don’t like it and feel irritated why bother????????
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Moody Me :P
Stupid mood swings I have now and then. By the way, each semester I decide to be serious and the non-talkative types who will just observe whatever is going around her but why the hell cant I ever change? It’s so fucking irritating. @~!THTI&*&)$... all rubbish seems to surround me at times. Well as for the happy-go-lucky types, I just love being myself but most of the times people around me someway or the other try to prevent the best in me, but know what who cares? I love myself a lot to harm it at all. Self-obsessed perhaps. Whatever.
What I wanted to talk about was my weirdest mood swings. One moment m so happy that suddenly I go in the silent mode and even at times in the vibration mode. Man, m great, genius and absolutely awesome. Had a great time in college. You wont believe in AB’s class am an absolute child doing all nautankis possible and he never says a thing to me [he’s good at heart]. And as for the new seat I have acquired [first bench...have never ever in my life have I choose to be on the first bench and last year and am in the first bench]. And because of this new seating arrangement of ours the dear Profs every time have to turn towards us while teaching. Even by now my neck hurts but the bench is absolutely mast and free from so very many inconveniences. Shit man, why can’t I ever stop talking? In fact I can stop whenever I want to but don’t know why it never ever works with me. Whatever who the hell cares? “It’s my blog and I can write [type] if I want to.”
Well so as I was saying…..I keep on digressing from the main issue here. That is my mood swings. So, had a great time in college. Came back home and felt so tired that couldn’t just keep my eyes awake and slept for 3 hours [too less I know]. After that was a hell lot of work for me. Something got onto me and as usual got back into the silent mode and here am typing all the rubbish out. Superb.
So some lines have to be written naa:
God was busy with some work but sessions were on for us.
The rain was pouring as if down on us.
The drizzle, the mud, the water did surround us.
And the shop-keeper led down on us.
Then came the food to look forward to
The frown was gone now and there were ice-creams too.
So I ate fast and moved towards my destination
And saw that there was lots of occupation
But then the black clouds darkened us all
I couldn’t express when or how
But did understood and so I sit
All by myself and so I do wait
For life to show me the best of it
And to love all of it.
When you don’t understand why bother man? So I have spoken more than I was supposed to. Yippesssssss. Would carry on with more of such rubbish.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
What's this???
Whatever that was for, I already got to see a damn good movie and believe me it was worth a watch and that too with special people around you. Had a great great time and I am now so very happy for no specific reason as such. And this was the first Saturday I got off in college in 3rd year and it feels awesome to finally get the weekends to myself and my friends and family. And as I always say I am loving it!!!!!!!!
The weather was awesome but as usual because of the drizzle the roads were messy. But I got to do all the masti under the sky and even Di with the plaster couldn’t stop me. Isn’t it fun at times to just being able to do whatever you feel like and there’s no one to stop you or question you? I love being naughty and mischievous, it helps me use all the preserved energy in the world. I do sound excited at times when I am just allowed to do all the nautankis and I am never blamed for them. ;)
So as for the Saturday, it turned out to be more like a Sunday and I couldn’t believe that I don’t have to go back home and start thinking about college tomorrow. Great, isn’t it? Definitely it is. Maybe you out there wont realize how much I missed getting my weekends off. It was hardly for two years that the college has taken over my lovely holidays but it seemed like ages now. That isn’t weird now.
Finally I have even started updating my diary and don’t really know for how long I would be able to keep it because you never know when I might just end up tearing off the pages or burning them off. I am like that, most unpredictable. But I love it. And maybe by now people should crown me the Nautanki Queen, I so rock in it. :-P
Well time for some useless words from my side:
It wasn’t exactly what I was looking for in you but then it was something I liked. The ride of a lifetime and the flash in front of us was all so very perfect. The sky, the clouds and everything around us. The background music was continuously interrupted by the noisy lot and the cowboy shoes looked so very out of the town. The rain drops were so warm and the chicken was stripped off. And the ulta-pulta was seedha-seedha for me. ;-) Had a great ride of a time and now I feel so tired and stressed out but then there is the hope of having a great time once again. And that too pretty soon, I hope to. “What’s this?”
Nothing of sense here so stop staring at our computer screen and don’t strain your eyes guys.
The weather was awesome but as usual because of the drizzle the roads were messy. But I got to do all the masti under the sky and even Di with the plaster couldn’t stop me. Isn’t it fun at times to just being able to do whatever you feel like and there’s no one to stop you or question you? I love being naughty and mischievous, it helps me use all the preserved energy in the world. I do sound excited at times when I am just allowed to do all the nautankis and I am never blamed for them. ;)
So as for the Saturday, it turned out to be more like a Sunday and I couldn’t believe that I don’t have to go back home and start thinking about college tomorrow. Great, isn’t it? Definitely it is. Maybe you out there wont realize how much I missed getting my weekends off. It was hardly for two years that the college has taken over my lovely holidays but it seemed like ages now. That isn’t weird now.
Finally I have even started updating my diary and don’t really know for how long I would be able to keep it because you never know when I might just end up tearing off the pages or burning them off. I am like that, most unpredictable. But I love it. And maybe by now people should crown me the Nautanki Queen, I so rock in it. :-P
Well time for some useless words from my side:
It wasn’t exactly what I was looking for in you but then it was something I liked. The ride of a lifetime and the flash in front of us was all so very perfect. The sky, the clouds and everything around us. The background music was continuously interrupted by the noisy lot and the cowboy shoes looked so very out of the town. The rain drops were so warm and the chicken was stripped off. And the ulta-pulta was seedha-seedha for me. ;-) Had a great ride of a time and now I feel so tired and stressed out but then there is the hope of having a great time once again. And that too pretty soon, I hope to. “What’s this?”
Nothing of sense here so stop staring at our computer screen and don’t strain your eyes guys.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Don't bother to read more
The closer you get to someone you tend to feel more secured and warm and somehow much better. But then there are the stupid feelings of insecurity, jealousy and possessiveness, and this added responsibility of trying to hold on to. I have absolutely no idea why I just typed it all out, maybe just for time pass or just because I allowed my fingers to wander off for a while… :-) I always do that and delight in doing so. Whatever now let me write whatever I feel like and please don’t even bother to read any further cause obviously it wouldn’t make any sense to you.
Well, these are college ka last year and I don’t know about studies but I will surely miss my college days, the masti, fun and everything possible I had done during this splendid 3 years. I had most of the fun, with everyone around me. Did a lot, heard a lot, by now have even seen a lot. But whatever all that was I had a great time. It was one hell of a joy ride and as this third year dawns on me I am reminded that I am getting old and I want to be a kid forever. Why can’t that happen??? :-(
Well some SWEET moments which shall stay with me forever…….
Just a “sweet” word says it all and now I am surely flying high above in the sky. The cold breeze preventing me from all the dirty heat outside and the humidity level which might have reached like a 100%, I surely was in much much safer hands. I was sitting just on the other end and those white gleaming light which circled us both was like Heaven. And the Busiest Bee of the town was not allowing him to rest for a while. Help was just too short a term to be used; I could have sat there to do all of it. “What” is not the question. It was magical and then the killing smile. A God for sure and I felt so cold and yet so warm. I looked about and there standing flaring at the smoke, awesome was it for sure. Dreams for sure can be true when one expects the least out of them. May God shine on us all and may I get such unexpected moments forever in my life.
Confused as always? But who cares? I don’t that’s why I keep on updating stupidly written careless blogs every now or then. Maybe because there are many things in life which I won’t ever be able to express it to others nor will others be so very patient with me to hear me out and then stop them for saying that “Girl, you sound so stupid”.
Well, these are college ka last year and I don’t know about studies but I will surely miss my college days, the masti, fun and everything possible I had done during this splendid 3 years. I had most of the fun, with everyone around me. Did a lot, heard a lot, by now have even seen a lot. But whatever all that was I had a great time. It was one hell of a joy ride and as this third year dawns on me I am reminded that I am getting old and I want to be a kid forever. Why can’t that happen??? :-(
Well some SWEET moments which shall stay with me forever…….
Just a “sweet” word says it all and now I am surely flying high above in the sky. The cold breeze preventing me from all the dirty heat outside and the humidity level which might have reached like a 100%, I surely was in much much safer hands. I was sitting just on the other end and those white gleaming light which circled us both was like Heaven. And the Busiest Bee of the town was not allowing him to rest for a while. Help was just too short a term to be used; I could have sat there to do all of it. “What” is not the question. It was magical and then the killing smile. A God for sure and I felt so cold and yet so warm. I looked about and there standing flaring at the smoke, awesome was it for sure. Dreams for sure can be true when one expects the least out of them. May God shine on us all and may I get such unexpected moments forever in my life.
Confused as always? But who cares? I don’t that’s why I keep on updating stupidly written careless blogs every now or then. Maybe because there are many things in life which I won’t ever be able to express it to others nor will others be so very patient with me to hear me out and then stop them for saying that “Girl, you sound so stupid”.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
LA LA LALALALALALAAAAAAAAA
So I am back to writing crap again.... Oh how much I love doing that..........making no sense at all and making people read it ;-).......sorry dear friends if I make you go through all of my nonsense, but you know me, I cannot be without nonsense for you guys to make sense out of it... Here I go again and confuse all of you out there.......
Well this time it's nothing more than the simple lyrics of a song which I seem to like a lot and I hope you guys would listen to it too, as I already am \m/
Tu Bole Mein Boloon - Jaane Tu…Ya Jaane Na(2008)
Movie : Jaane Tu…Ya Jaane Na
Movie : Jaane Tu…Ya Jaane Na
Music Director: A R Rahman
Director: Abbas Tyrewala
Producer: Mansoor Khan, Aamir Khan
Starring: Imraan Khan, Genelia Dsouza
Lyrics: Javed Akhtar
Tu Bole Mein Boloon Song Lyrics - Jaane Tu…Ya Jaane Na
Tu bole glass aadha khali,
Tu Bole Mein Boloon Song Lyrics - Jaane Tu…Ya Jaane Na
Tu bole glass aadha khali,
mein bolu aadha bhara,
Mein bolu kitna saara,
tu bole zara zara..
Mein bolu din hai to,tu bole raat nahi..
Baat to wahi hai naa,Bass wahi baat nahi..
Baat to hai bass yahi ki,Meri baat bass..
(Jaane tu..jaane tu ya jaane naa,Maane tu..maane tu ya maane naa)
Tu soche yeh zindagi hai,
Baat to wahi hai naa,Bass wahi baat nahi..
Baat to hai bass yahi ki,Meri baat bass..
(Jaane tu..jaane tu ya jaane naa,Maane tu..maane tu ya maane naa)
Tu soche yeh zindagi hai,
yeh naa badlegi kabhi,
Mein sochu sab badalta hai,
Kyu naa badlegi kabhi..
Mein sochu tu hi tu,
Mein sochu tu hi tu,
Mera koi aur nahi,
Tu soche mein hu tera,
Bass tera koi aur nahi..
Koi aur ho ya naa ho,Tu hai, mein hu, bass..
(Jaane tu..jaane tu ya jaane naa,Maane tu..maane tu ya maane naa)
(Jaane tu..jaane tu ya jaane naa,Maane tu..maane tu ya maane naa)
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Ridiculously happy
I realize the fact that life isn’t all what we want it to be. There will be times when I would sit to think why it ever happened to me on the first place, there may even be times when I will blame myself for everything that has gone wrong in life. Today something absurd and out of the ordinary seem to have possessed me, and so maybe I make no sense. It feels so strange and so hard to see things around me not like as I wanted them to be. There have been times when my expectations exceeded limits and then came in regret, anger and pain. Even today something seems so not right while I type all this out.
Some stupid lines:
I was walking through the woods and I looked back for you to walk beside me, to hold my hand too. It was then that I came across this memory, preserved long back ago, which seemed to stir my emotions badly and somewhere I wanted to cry. I never was ready to think like this, I never wanted to be without you, but still I am absurdly happy that your memories shall always be with me to look forward to. The dark shadow seemed to have taken over the rays of the bright sun but can it hide the rays forever? I walk and try to jump but then how can I reach there? Was it for me to decide to walk towards you or was it you who decided to step back too? I still seem to be waiting and the paths have now frozen to walk on without your hands in mine. I do not deny the fact that I wanted you to fulfill my selfish desires. And how can I forget the look in your eyes which never had anything for me? It still is my decision to wait here for you while you are long gone in the darker shadows of happy life.It still will be my decision to want to walk beside you even though we are not meant to be. Just a look of your eyes did the magic for me which maybe a thousand eyes could not have done. You hardly smiled, but when you did it made me feel special. I still want you back for my needs, but then I too want to make you feel special and to let you know how you have been a part of my life even without intending to be so. All I can do now is to wait for the bright sun to shine again and make me feel warm. All I want now is to know you all the more and let the days pass with not you and I but “us”.
Again a small piece of my thoughts which will not make sense but somehow being ridiculous in such an attempt I am happy to finally being able to write things without letting others know what’s on my mind and at the same time I speak my mind too… so once again I am successful in confusing others and as I say be happy even when you are confused in life or confused because of me. ;-)
Some stupid lines:
I was walking through the woods and I looked back for you to walk beside me, to hold my hand too. It was then that I came across this memory, preserved long back ago, which seemed to stir my emotions badly and somewhere I wanted to cry. I never was ready to think like this, I never wanted to be without you, but still I am absurdly happy that your memories shall always be with me to look forward to. The dark shadow seemed to have taken over the rays of the bright sun but can it hide the rays forever? I walk and try to jump but then how can I reach there? Was it for me to decide to walk towards you or was it you who decided to step back too? I still seem to be waiting and the paths have now frozen to walk on without your hands in mine. I do not deny the fact that I wanted you to fulfill my selfish desires. And how can I forget the look in your eyes which never had anything for me? It still is my decision to wait here for you while you are long gone in the darker shadows of happy life.It still will be my decision to want to walk beside you even though we are not meant to be. Just a look of your eyes did the magic for me which maybe a thousand eyes could not have done. You hardly smiled, but when you did it made me feel special. I still want you back for my needs, but then I too want to make you feel special and to let you know how you have been a part of my life even without intending to be so. All I can do now is to wait for the bright sun to shine again and make me feel warm. All I want now is to know you all the more and let the days pass with not you and I but “us”.
Again a small piece of my thoughts which will not make sense but somehow being ridiculous in such an attempt I am happy to finally being able to write things without letting others know what’s on my mind and at the same time I speak my mind too… so once again I am successful in confusing others and as I say be happy even when you are confused in life or confused because of me. ;-)
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